LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #80: Mutton Mania Part Four

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Oct 21 14:41:26 PDT 2018

In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the fourth section of Mutton Mania.

Mutton Mania #10 brings back Martin Phipps.  It's Deja Sheep and the
Sheepshagger -- sitting in a tree.. and okay let's just move on to the
next one.

And for #11 John (uplink) Scheibeler returns.  Is it time for this
cascade to feel the full totality of Opinionated Lad's opinion?

And now..

             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                     ADVENTURES #80

                         Mutton Mania Part Four


Martin Phipps (phippsmartin at hotmail.com)

Deja Sheep wondered freely around Sheepshagger's warehouse
headquarters.  After all, Deja Sheep was no threat to him.  Or was he?

.o(Now, let's see... we're the X-Men ever changed to sheep?  The Avengers?  
Hmm... Thor was changed into a frog once... but he
_remained_ a frog for three issues!  That won't do!  I've got classes to 
teach tomorrow!  My only hope to add to this story, advance the plot enough 
that it leads to a resolution!  Then I should change back.  I hope!)

Occultism Kid arrived at the top of the stairs above the lobby to find Fred, 
Tsar Chasm, two strangers and five of his teammates (Ultimate Ninja, 
Opinionated Lad, Curly, Easily Discovered Man and Easily
Discovered Man Lite) suffocating in a mass of sheep's wool.

"What the--?  Well, 'Ninj said this was an emergency!  No time to ask 
questions!"  He began to chant.  "Oh hairy hoards of haggis!  Have you any 
wool?  No, Sir!  No, Sir!  Three... bags... FULL!!!"  With that the sheep's 
wool seemed to disappear only to reappear in three large bags at the top of 
the staircase behind Occultism Kid.

"Baaa!!!" all the sheep said in unison, realising they were all bald and 

"What took you so long?" Ultimate Ninja asked.

"You're welcome!" Occultism Kid said, sarcastically.  "So what's going on?"

"Deja Dude's turned evil!" Easily Discovered Man said.

"Deja Dude?  But he's dead!"

"I guess he got better," Easily Discovered Man Lite quipped.

"He's responsible for all these sheep being in the lobby?!"

"Actually, no, that's the Sheepshagger's doing," Ultimate Ninja told him.  
"They're actually teenaged girls who were attending the Boppapalooza concert 
who the Sheepshagger transformed into sheep."

"The Sheepshagger?"

"Yeah, he wants to screw them," Opinionated Lad said, bluntly.

"Okaaay... so who are these guys?" Occultism Kid asked, refering to Indie 
and Gaffer.

"I'm Indie.  He's Gaffer.  Who are you?"

"Occultism Kid," he said proudly.  "Master of all things occult and owner of 
several items of power!"

"I want to know what these guys are smoking," Gaffer told Indie.

"Look," Indie said, getting annoyed, "your secretary said we were to get 
paid $100 an hour PLUS expenses.  Do we have a deal or are we just wasting 
our time here?"

"Wow!  So you guys are mercenaries?!" Lite asked.

"We're artists," Gaffer said, correcting him.

"How then do you plan to stop the Sheepshagger?" Occultism Kid asked.

"With this!" Gaffer said, holding up his 16mm camera.

"A camera?"

"A mystical camera!  We'll use it to get Sheepshagger to turn the sheep back 
into teenagers!"

"Uh huh.  And where is the Sheepshagger?"

"Good point!" Ultimate Ninja said.  "He told us to 'bring the sheep' but he 
didn't say where!"

"I'm afraid your villains aren't as smart as they used to be," Tsar Chasm 
said, "although you never did have that high a standard to begin with."

"Hey," Opinionated Lad opined, "Deep Throat!  Put a sock in it!"

"That means we'll have to track him down," Occultism Kid mused.  "Which 
means you're still going to need me!" he said, excitedly.  "I can go onto 
the astral plane and hunt him down!  Assuming, of course, his powers are 
mystical in nature."

"Any suitably advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic," Easily 
Discovered Man Lite said.  "Somebody said that."

"True," agreed Occultism Kid, "but it's worth a try.  If it doesn't work, 
you can go get Doctor Stomper.  Or Kid Kirby."

"It didn't look like Sheepshagger was using Kirby tech," Ultimate Ninja 

"Fine.  So let me concentrate!"

Meanwhile, back in his headquarters, Sheepshagger started to eye Deja Sheep 

"Stay back!" Deja Sheep warned.  "Remember: I'm Tick infested!"

"So y'are!" Sheepshagger said, not the least bit fazed by the fact that Deja 
Sheep could still talk.  "Well, maybe I'd better give you a bath then.  Or 
should I say, give _ewe_ a bath!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!"

"That doesn't make sense!" Deja Sheep complained.  "I'm a guy.  Or I was.  
That means I'm a _male_ sheep!"

"Do y'think I care?  You're a sheep!  You're warm'n'soft'n'purtie!"

Deja Sheep cringed and shiverred.  "Don't you like girls?"

"What do y'mean b'that?  Y'think I'm some kind of purvert, do ya?  Of course 
I like girls!  But what did they ever do for me, eh?  Talk behind my back 
saying 'Oh!  He's a cheap bastard, he is!'  Well, bugger that I say!  Now, 
sheep, they don't expect y'to feed and clothe them! No!  They just stay 
there eating grass and growing their own wool!

"And they don't put up might of a struggle, either!" Sheepshagger mused.

Deja Sheep started to panic.  .o(Come on, guys!  Hurry!  I promise I'll be 
nice from now on!  Just get me out of this!)


uplink <uplink989 at hotmail.com>

Back at LNHHQ, Opinionated Lad had had enough.

First there was the wisecracking Tsar Chasm, who kept stealing his lines. 
Then there was Ultimate Ninja, obviously too hung over to do anything 
effective.  THEN you had this Indy character (someone should have told him 
Lucas already had the idea) and his buddy Gaffer who kept stealing the show. 
And to top it all off, there was this overinflated moron called
Easily-Discovered Man who thought Opinionated Lad was going to be his new 
sidekick.  Enough was enough.  Up until now, he'd kept his Opinions to 

It was time to take a hand in this.

Stepping up to Ultimate Ninja and Occultism Kid, he cleared his throat 
noisily.  When all that earned him was a nasty look from the black-clad 
ninja, which he ignored, he said, "You guys are going about this all wrong, 
you know."

"Shh!"  Occultism Kid hushed.  "Quit talking and let me concentrate!"

"We're trying to track this pervo down, right?"  Opinionated Lad didn't 
think much of Occultism Kid's abilities.  But then, he didn't think much 
about anyone's abilities except his own.  "You guys ever consider that, 
since he's the stereotypical butt of all Scottish jokes, he might have been 
too cheap to consider a well-planned escape route?"

"Quiet!  We have a professional here," barked Ultimate Ninja.

THAT did it.  Opinionated Lad had had ENOUGH of this.  "You!"  He looked at 
Tsar Chasm.  "Your humor sucks, and you keep stealing my lines.  I'm the 
sarcasm master here.  Go away."  Suddenly Tsar Chasm disappeared.  "You!" He 
turned his gaze to Ultimate Ninja.  "Leadership of the LNH has turned your 
brains to mush.  You may as well be one of these sheep here."  And Ultimate 
Ninja-sheep looked up at Opinionated Lad with big brown eyes under his black 
wool coat and bleated pitifully, as if to agree.  "And you!"  He swiveled to 
face Occultism Kid.  "I actually do feel that this sort of villain _would_ 
in fact leave obvious clues with which we can find him!" The force of his 
Opinions were unmistakeable.

"Hey!" Easily-Discovered Man Lite called.  "I found something!"  He held up 
a half-penny stretched into fine copper wire, which led off out of the LNH 

"Obviously it took a PROFESSIONAL to deduce that."  Opinionated Lad folded 
his arms across his chest and sat down on the desk where Tsar Chasm had once 

"That was incredible," said The Indie.  "How'd you do all that?"

The Opinionated One thought for a moment.  No, it wasn't up to him to inform 
this kid the nature of the Fourth Wall.  Instead, he replied, "It's not only 
people like Kid Kirby and Continuity Champ who wield cosmic powers."  He 
shrugged, and took a pop-tart out from his coat.  "Oh well, until I find a 
good waffle, this will have to do."

"So we're down to the wire,"  said Easily-Discovered Man Lite, indicating 
the copper wire he held up for everyone to see.  "Do we follow it or not?"

"Might as well," remarked The Indie.  "It's not like we're getting paid for 
this or anything."

"Actually," said Gaffer, "We are getting paid for it."

"How much?"

"Um... Ultimate Sheep said a hundred bucks an hour."

"Then again," The Indie stated, "it might be a good thing to let Occultism 
Kid try his spell.  How long will that take, Occultism Kid?"

"If you guys will let me concentrate, it shouldn't take more than a few 
minutes."  Occultism Kid was perturbed by Opinionated Lad throwing cosmic 
Opinions around, though he was trying not to let it show.

"Sounds great," said The Indie.  "We'll just watch from over here."

Opinionated Lad watched all this, brushing crumbs off his coat from the 
pop-tart he'd just eaten.  "Um, guys, I hate to remind you, but we _have_ a 
way to track the bad guy to his hideout, he's got Deja Dude, and Deja Dude's 
a sheep right now."  He reached into his coat and brought out another 
pop-tart, meanwhile forming the Opinion that the Sheepshagger's gun would 
never work on him, just as a defensive measure.  Never hurt to make sure you 
were invulnerable to the opponent's power.  "And I'll also remind you that 
this guy calls himself the Sheepshagger for a reason."  He muched the 
pop-tart, cherry filling, excellent.  "I think we should follow the wire," 
he stated his Opinion for good measure.

"Yes!  We shall track the evil-doer to his lair!"  Apparently 
Easily-Discovered Man was tired of sitting around as well.  "There shall we 
do battle upon the foul miscreant, free our good friend and companion Deja 
Dude from durance vile, and venge ourselves upon the personage of our foe! 
Come,. good sidekick, we shall away on the instant!"

"What do we do about Ultimate Sheep here?"  Gaffer looked pained.  "After 
all, he's the guy who signs the checks."

"You're right," said Opinionated Lad.  He glanced at Ultimate Ninja, now 
looking bewilderedly about him.  "Ninjas don't wear wool anyways."

Next Week: Mutton Mania Part Five!!!!!

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer

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