LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #79: Mutton Mania Part Three

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Oct 14 14:32:49 PDT 2018

In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the third section of Mutton Mania.

Mutton Mania #8, Martin Phipps joins the cascade.  Will Deja Dude get all
meta about this cascade?

And for #9 Josh Hartung returns again.  Will Deja Sheep be eaten alive by
ticks for all his meta commentary?

And now..

             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                     ADVENTURES #79

                         Mutton Mania Part Three

Date: 14 Feb 2000 04:20:05 -0000
From: "Martin Phipps" <phippsmartin at hotmail.com>
Subject: [LNH] Mutton Mania Parts 8-14
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative

Martin Phipps (phippsmartin at hotmail.com)

Tsar Chasm and the assembled Legionaires, Ultimate Ninja, Opinionated Lad, 
Curly, Easily Discovered Man and Invisible Inaudible Intangible Lass gasped 
in disbelief as face of the man responsible for all this appeared at least 
on the monitor screen.

"Deja Dude?!  But you're dead!" Ultimate Ninja said, inadvertantly spilling 
some of his Paprika-Ade.

"Hey, watch it!" complained Opinionated Lad.  "Geez, what a clutz!"

Deja Dude shook his head.  "Yes and no: whereas my death did happen and is, 
therefore, still perfectly canon and has not been retconned away, the fact 
is that I'm still alive in the real world, for those of you who know what 
I'm talking about.  So the only way I can interact with you is indirectly, 
through this monitor screen."

"Are you then telling us that you are the one responsible for all of this?"

Deja Dude sighed.  "Again, yes and no.  I'm not responsible for this cascade 
story: that'd be like saying that Dr. Killfile created the LNH.  No, no, no. 
  But those flames going on outside they were all part of my devious plan.  
Yes, yes, yes.

"See, last time, I just took the flames.  I thought 'Oh, gee, I 
inadvertantly made Badger upset and now Tick and Ergh are flaming me!' but 
as time past and I became a 'dead' lurker, I started feeling bitter and 
hungered for... REVENGE!  I've achieved that now: Tick is, well, ticked and 
I'm very happy.  But these sheep?  Those poor teenaged girls?  No, I never 
intended things to go this far!"

"Treacherous villain!  You will pay for what you've done!" swore Easily 
Discovered Man.

"With what?  More flames?  A RACCie award for starting a flamewar? Welll... 
I didn't start the flamewar but I thought Tick might start one.  Hell, I 
could have posted 'Happy Chinese New Year' and Tick might have flamed me.  
But, no, I knew all along what sort of response Tick might have had in store 
for me and I was ready for him!  It all went according to plan.  

Deja Dude coughed.  "Excuse me.  But, as I was saying, I'm not responsible 
for what happened to those teenaged girls.  Really!  I like teenaged girls!  
Wait!  Scratch that!  That didn't sound good!  What I mean to say is that 
I'm here to warn you!"

"About what?" Ultimate Ninja asked.

"About the Sheepshagger!  He intends to do things to those girls/sheep that 
I could only describe in an Acraphobe post!  He must have been the one 
responsible for turning them into sheep in the first place!
Bringing them to LNH HQ has bought them time but he's bound to find out 
where they are and track them down!  You have to hurry!"

"What do you suggest we do?" Ultimate Ninja asked.

"I recommend you contact Occultism Kid!  I just checked the roster and it 
says he's not reserved.  If you can get him to change the sheep back into 
teenaged girls before the Sheepshagger gets there then they'd be out of 

"Right!" said Opinionated Lad, "Until Master Blaster finds out that the 
lobby's been overrun with docile teenaged girls at which point we'd be back 
to square one!"

Ultimate Ninja nodded.  "Alright then."  He tapped his com.link.  "Occultism 
Kid.  Come to the lobby!"

<<Alright!  It's been _so_ long!>>

"Right away!  It's urgent!"  Ultimate Ninja took another sip of his 
Paprika-Ade.  "Ahhh!  No _that's_ a man's sport drink!" 


By Josh Hartung (j.o.s.hartung at att.net)

"All right," Deja Dude said.  "Seeing as you have everything under 

Suddenly, a blinding flash was all that could be seen on the monitor.  The 
assembled Legion shielded their eyes from the screen.  Shortly, the glare 
subsided.  On the screen was a sheep.  Dressed as Deja Dude.  Standing 
behind the sheep was a kilted gentleman holding a strange-looking gun.

"Ef there's one theng ah hate," Sheepshagger said. "Et's an upstaging super 

"Baaaa!"  Deja Dude replied.

"So ye don't like ticks, do ye?"  Sheepshagger said to the frightened ovine. 
  "Well try THESE on fer size!"  With another blast from Sheepshagger's SHAG 
(SHeep Actualization Gun), the Deja Dude sheep was infested with hundreds of 
the little bloodsucking creatures.

"Baaaaaa!!!"  Deja Dude exclaimed.  Sheepshagger laughed loudly and heartily 
as Deja Dude ran about, attempting to nibble off the ticks through his 
fluffy wool coat.

"Och, et's GUID to be evil!"  Sheepshagger exclaimed.

"I'd really have to say that this is an improvement upon Deja Dude," Tsar 
Chasm commented.

With that, two figures walked into the lobby.  One had longish, greasy black 
hair.  He wore a "Metallica Speed Of Sound Tour" T-Shirt and Liefield (TM) 
brand jeans.  The other wore a Mets baseball cap, a white T-shirt and vest 
with Southwest American Indian patterns and a pair of regular blue jeans.  
He also carried a 16mm camera.  The one with the camera seemed decidedly 
more upbeat than the one with the Metallica T-shirt.

The gentleman with the camera took note of the situation and said perkily: 
"Okay, you guys called for some specialists?"

"Gaffer, I presume?"  Fred said.

"That's me."  The one in the Metallica T-Shirt croaked.  "The #@$&!% who 
never gets hangovers there is The Indie."

"Please Mr. Gaffer," Fred said.  "This is an LNH cascade.  Watch your 

"What'd I tell you," Gaffer whispered to The Indie.  "Their secretary's a 

"I believe the rest of the Legion is waiting for you by the monitor," Fred 
said.  With that, The Indie and Gaffer waded through the bewildered sheep 
and increasingly angry kiwis to the monitor screen.

"All righ', Legion," Sheepshagger said over the monitor screen.  "Delivair 
th' sheep to me or suffer the consequences!"

"What do you want with the sheep?"  Opinionated Lad asked.

"None of yuir BUSINESS!"  Sheepshagger barked, flushing red with anger.

"Probably the only way he can get a date."  The Indie cracked.

"Yew watch yuir tongue laddie!"  Sheepshagger said.

"Ah stuff it, ya haggis eating, kilt-wearing, blue body-painting 

"Och!  Yew'll get et now!"  Sheepshagger said, and began rubbing frantically 
on the barrel of his SHAG.

"Ewwww," Gaffer commented.

"Excuse me," Ultimate Ninja said.  "But I believe we called you for HELP."

"How you doing, Lenny!"  The Indie said.

"Ix-nay on the Enny-lay," Ultimate Ninja whispered to The Indie.  "Now, 
unless you have something constructive to contribute..."

"I _am_ contributing," The Indie insisted.

"Hey, don't I recognize you from somewhere?"  Easily Discovered Man asked.

"No you _don't._ " The Indie replied.  "You really _don't._"

[Actually, The Indie is regularly beaten up by Easily Discovered Man, who is 
constantly mistaking him for a villain's henchman.  The Indie does not want 
Easily-Discovered Man to realize he's been beating up a hero, as EDM would 
feel obligated to have a team-up with The Indie--an event The Indie would 
rather avoid.  All this was revealed in "THE INDIE #5, LNH Poetry Slamm Part 
Uno"--The Secret Society of the Shameless Plug]

"Look Ninj," The Indie said.  "I'm trying to goad Sheepshagger into coming 
over here and challenging me to a fight, at which point I can use my 
mystical camera to manipulate Sheepshagger into turning the sheep back into 

"So wait," Opinionted Lad said.  "You're entertainment-related heroes _with_ 
a mystical talisman?"


"So basically, the services of Occultism Kid are totally unnecessary." 
Ultimate Ninja said.

"I should say so," The Indie said.

"So here we've undone everything Martin tried to do in his chapter.  Boy, 
he's gonna be ticked."  Fred said.  "Oh wait--he is already.  HA!"

"HEY!"  Lite said, entering the lobby with his camcorder.  "Did someone 
besides me just say a pun?!"

"My apologies, Lite."  Fred said.

"Thass got et!"  Sheepshagger suddenly exclaimed.  The Legion could see that 
the barrel of Sheepshagger SHAG had become longer and wider, due to 
Sheepshagger's frantic rubbing.  "Now I've activated th' REMOTE FUNCTION!!!"

And with that, Sheepshagger fired.

Suddenly, all the sheep's wool began growing.

And growing.

And growing.

One minute later, the lobby was filled--floor to ceiling--with wool.

"And I'm just gettin' STARTED!"  Sheepshagger cackled.  "Brreng me th' 
SHEEP!  Ye have one hour!"

Sheepshagger logged off.  The Legion, meanwhile, found themselves 

"Okay then," Lite said.  "Am I the only one who _really_ itches right now?"

Next Week: Mutton Mania Part Four!!!!

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer

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