LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #84: Mutton Mania Part Eight

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Nov 18 13:19:05 PST 2018

In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the eighth section of Mutton Mania.

Mutton Mania #18, Josh Hartung returns.  Will the bathtub drain be
clogged with wool?  Is that a rhetorical question?

And for #19, Martin Phipps also returns.  And will he be a dick about
Matt Rossi's Swordmaster series?  Uhuh, yeah.

And now..

             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                     ADVENTURES #84

                        Mutton Mania Part Eight


By Josh Hartung (j.o.s.hartung at att.net)

"What do you mean, Deja Dude's gone?" Opinionated Lad said. "He's a sheep!"

"See for yourself," Onion Lad replied. "There's no sign of him."

Opinionated Lad ran up to the hotel room. Inside was, predictably, a regular 
hotel room-except that the Sheepshagger had replaced the hotel curtains with 
his family tartan.

"Really," Opinionated Lad commented. "Why not just put a sign out saying 
'Super-Villain Resides Within?'"

Opinionated Lad checked the bathroom. Other than all the towels and 
complimentary toiletries being removed, (and the bathtub drain being clogged 
with wool) nothing seemed amiss. He went back into the main room and looked 
under the bed.

Now here was something odd.  It seemed. dark under there. Too dark. And then 
there was a sound. It seemed to be a voice.

A muttonish voice.

"Deja Dude?" Opinionated Lad called. "That you?"

And suddenly, Opinionated Lad was gone.


Meanwhile, outside the Motel 6, Onion Lad and The Indie were attempting to 
keep Gaffer Sheep and Ultimate Sheep from wandering off into the highway.

"Tough day for the Ninja, eh?" The Indie commented.

"Yeah," Onion Lad said. "Listen, can't you use your camera to change them 

"Well," The Indie replied. "You know that showbiz axiom, 'Never work with 
animals or children?'"


"Guess what my camera doesn't work on."

"Oh, peachy," Onion Lad said.

"Well, there may be another way," The Indie said. "The SHAG was supposed to 
transform those who are easily manipulated, right?"

"Right," Onion Lad replied.

"So it stands to reason that a strong opinion divergent from mainstream 
thought may do something," The Indie said. With that, The Indie got down on 
his knees and looked into Gaffer-sheep's eyes.

"Baaa?" Gaffer said.

"So Gaffer," The Indie said. "What do you think of 'Who Wants To Be A 

Suddenly, the sparks of sentience came over Gaffer-sheep's eyes. The wool on 
his hide fell off in large clumps. And he began to stand upright.

"Baaaaa!" Gaffer-sheep said. "It's eeeevil! Whoever says that insidious 
piece of boob tube dreck is a faaaamily show is a haaaalfwit! If you already 
know the answers, watching Billy-Bob trailer paaark struggle through 'how 
many ounces are in a pound?' is torture! I don't care about the hot lights, 
the millions of viewers, and Regis's expectant stare. If you need help 
identifying the game _Duck Duck Blank_ you're a moron!"

And with that, Gaffer was human again.

"Welcome back, buddy." The Indie said.

"Didja have to remind me of _that show_?"  Gaffer asked

"You're freaking welcome," The Indie replied.

"Okay, how about him?" Onion Lad asked, pointing to Ultimate Sheep, who was 
grazing by the ice machine.

"I dunno," The Indie said. "Ultimate Ninja's entire nature is to put the 
team's desires before his own.  It may be harder to find something he feels 
so strongly about as an individual. And where the hell's Opinionated Lad?"

"I'll go check," Onion Lad said.

Onion Lad ran off to the motel room just as The Indie's comm.thingee went 

"Hey, is that the comm.thingee that Easily-Discovered Man Lite gave to you 
back when you two went into the Headquarters' armory?" Gaffer asked.

"Have I said lately how much your connect-the-plot power annoys me?" The 
Indie said.

"You're just jealous, sidekick-boy," Gaffer cracked.

"Remind me why I de-sheeped you," The Indie muttered, struggling to find the 
"answer" button n the comm.thingee. Finally, Lite's face appeared on the 
comm.thingee's display screen.

"Hey The Indie?" Lite said. "We have a new problem."

"Where's all the sheep?" The Indie asked, noticing the now empty lobby 
behind Lite.

"That's the new problem," Lite answered. "And what happened with the 

"Oh... crap." The Indie said.  He turned to see that the Sheepshagger had 
easily escaped while he was busy de-transforming Gaffer.

"Ohhh, Opinionated Lad's gonna be mad at me.." The Indie mused. Lite and 
Gaffer, meanwhile, grinned ear to ear while anticipating the many delightful 
hours of making fun of The Indie which were ahead.


It's amazing how quickly you can get bored in limbo.

At first you can think of it as a sort of sensory deprivation tank. Of 
course, it's not really like a sensory deprivation tank because when you're 
in a sensory deprivation tank, you know you can get out of it soon. You try 
singing all the songs you know, but limbo absorbs sound so readily that you 
really have to belt 'em out to get a good tone, so it doesn't take long 
before you lose your voice. You then try to see how many countries you can 
name-which only serves to make you appalled at your own ignorance.

So Substitute Lad had just reached the point where going insane seemed a 
valid option. After all, it was a way to pass the time. Just as Substitute 
Lad was trying to determine exactly _how_ a person goes about going insane, 
a sheep dressed up as Deja Dude appeared before him.

"Baaaa?" it said.

"Well," Substitute Lad mused. "That didn't take long."

Of course, Substitute Lad hadn't gone insane. But once he turned around and 
saw hundreds more sheep behind him, he certainly had no reason to think 


Martin Phipps (phippsmartin at hotmail.com)

"Baa...ba...bad luck, I'm afraid."

"It talks.  A talking sheep.  I suppose you all talk, right?  Where's Babe?"

"This is hard to explain.  Ask me what I think of 'Swordmaster'."


"Do it!"

"OK.  What do you think about Swordmaster?"

Deja Sheep gave a detailed critique of "Swordmaster".  He talked about how 
there was very little dialogue, with some recurring characters going a full 
issue without ever saying anything.  He talked about the odd seventies 
references.  Were they an in-joke or just the author's personal fascination? 
  He talked about the violence --

"Now, hold on!" Substitute Lad said.  "That sort of thing, done right, can 
be very funny.  Did you see Pulp Fiction?"

Deja Dude had almost fully transformed back to human.  "Yes.  But that was 
John Travolta and Samuel Jackson.  It wasn't a robot based on the one from 
Mystery Science Theatre and a BIG breasted woman based on Catwoman.  Not 
that I didn't like Mystery Science Theatre.  Or
Catwoman!  God, do I ever like Jim Balent's Catwoman!  It's just that 
Catwoman wasn't just some mindless babe.  And she didn't go around killing 
people like some female version of the Punisher."  That did it: Deja Dude 
was back to normal.  "Thanks."

"No problem.  I was getting really bored here on my own.  I'm happy to have 
someone to talk to.  So... what's going on?"

Deja Dude let out a big sigh.  "OK.  From what I've been able to gather, a 
villain known as Sheepshagger transformed hundreds of
teenaged girls attending the Boppapalooza concert into sheep."  He indicated 
the sheep around them.  "This is apparently all part of his mad scheme for 
world conquest."

"Huh?  How do you conquer the world using sheep?"

"Like I said, it's a mad scheme.  Anyway, I tried to warn the LNH about him 
but then he turned _me_ into a sheep."

"OK.  So how come you could talk and they can't?"

Deja Dude smiled.  "That's what I noticed as soon as I arrived here.  I had 
theorised that my mind was switched with that of a sheep and that's how I 
was able to carry on otherwise normally, but with a sheep's body... but when 
I saw these sheep I saw that they were just... well... sheep, I thought to 
myself 'What the hell?'.  And I had to completely rethink my theory."

"OK.  Go on."

"I figured that there was something different about me, that my mind was 
strong enough that the SHAG gun didn't turn me completely into a sheep.  I 
realised that it had to do with force of will, that I was able to keep my 
mind simply because I'm strongly opinionated."

"Hence the literary review session."

"Exactly!  I thought I could use my force of will to change back into human. 
  Thing is, it hadn't worked up until now.  I guess what I needed is the 
adrenaline surge that a person gets when he or she expresses a really strong 

"OK, fine.  But what about the other sheep?"

Deja Dude considered the problem for a moment.  "We need to think about 
something that they have a really strong opinion about.  Hmmm... I'm going 
to try something."

Deja Dude turned to face the sheep.  "Ladies?  Ladiiieees?  How about Ricky 
Martin.  Hmmm?  You like Ricky Martin?  You know, 'Living La Vida Loca'... 
'Go go go Allez Allez Allez'"

One by one, sheep started turning back into teenaged girls.

Naked teenaged girls.

Opinionated Lad, who had followed Deja Sheep into the vortex his mind had 
created when D-S had tried to contact his imaginery 'true form', began to 
form an opinion.  "I think I've died and gone to heaven!"

"Opinionated Lad!"

"Scratch that.  Deja Dude.  You're back."

Deja Dude nodded.  "Yes.  But these teenaged girls.  Most of them are still 
sheep.  Wasn't Occultism Kid able to transform them back?"

"Nahhh!  That guy's a loser.  He made up some excuse about them not really 
being teenaged girls."

"Or maybe Sheepshagger's SHAG gun didn't use any magic after all," Deja Dude 
mused.  "It doesn't matter now because we've found a way to change them 
back.  So, O-L, do you know the names of any of the guys
from 'Nsync or the Backstreet Boys?"

Opinionated Lad cringed.  He hated it when somebody called him 'O-L' simply 
because they we too lazy to give his full name, but he let it pass, for now. 
  "Do I _look_ like somebody who gives a @#$% about 'Nsick and the Backyard 

"OK, never mind."  Deja Dude thought for a moment.  "I know!  Leonardo 
Decaprio!  What do you girls think of Leonardo Decaprio?"

Nothing happened.

"Leonardo Decaprio.  He was 'Jack' in 'Titanic'.  You know Titanic, right?  
Who saw Titanic?"

"Try singing again," Substitute Lad suggested.

"Singing?  OK.  'You're HERE!  I've NOthing to fear!  And I know that my 
heart will go on!  Dede daDA da da da!  And I know..."

Dozens of sheep transformed back into teenaged girls as soon as Deja Dude 
started singing.  The process continued until more than half of them were 
back to normal.

"They really hate your singing," Substitute Lad said, laughing.

"Shut up," Deja Dude said, somewhat annoyed.

"What _are_ you doing?" Opinionated Lad asked.

"We're trying to invoke a strong reaction out of the sheep so that they'll 
change back to human," Substitute Lad explained.

"Really?" Opinionated Lad said, somewhat amused.  "Is that all?  Well then, 
why don't you try... THIS!"

He pulled down his pants and mooned all the sheep.  The remaining sheep 
changed back into teenaged girls, en masse.

Opinionated Lad smiled.  "I thought that would work so, of course, it did.  
I guess they really like my butt."

"Actually," Substitute Lad said, sheepishly.  "Some of them look really 

"Really?" Opinionated Lad asked.  "Well, everybody's entitled to their 
opinion.  So what do we do now?"

Deja Dude thought for a moment.  "Well, our first duty is to return these 
girls to Net.ropolis."

"You can do that?" Substitute Lad asked.

"I openned a portal to this dimension once.  I can do it again."

"So you're going to put a few hundred naked teenaged girls on the streets of 
Net.ropolis?" Opinionated Lad asked.

"No," Deja Dude said, flatly.  "I'm going to send them to strip clubs. Since 
the women are all naked there anyway, I really don't think anybody would 
notice them.  I happen to know the locations of various suitable strip clubs 
throughout Net.ropolis."

"Why am I not surprised?" Opinionated Lad opined.  "I think I'll form the 
opinion that there won't be any vice cops in any of those places. You 
wouldn't want your favorite place shut down, would you?  These girls are 
teenagers, remember."

Deja Dude blushed.  "Look, I'm only assuming these places still exist. I 
haven't been to any of these places, or any such place like that, for a 
long, long time."

"Sure.  Sure."

Deja Dude ignored Opinionated Lad's taunts and set about opening portals out 
of limbo to the suitable places in Net.ropolis that he had just described.

"What about Ultimate Ninja?" Opinionated Lad asked.  "Last I recall, he too 
was turned into a sheep."

Deja Dude grimaced.  "Look, we've got enough on our hands right now with all 
these teenaged girls.  I think Ultimate Ninja can take care of himself."

Opinionated Lad agreed.  "Right.  Screw 'em!"

Next Week: Mutton Mania Part Nine!!!!!!!!!

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer

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