LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #83: Mutton Mania Part Seven
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Nov 11 13:16:28 PST 2018
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the seventh section of Mutton Mania.
Mutton Mania #16, John (uplink) Scheibeler returns. It's time for the
heroes to storm -- The Motel 6?
And for #17 Jennifer 'Mistlock' Whitson joins the cascade. Steak-and-
Potatoes Man wrestles with the classic moral conundrum of whether it's okay to cook
teenage girls if they've been turned into sheep even if you have this really,
really great recipe for Mutton Surprise.
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
Mutton Mania Part Seven
uplink <uplink989 at hotmail.com>
Outside the hideout, the assembled heroes crept quietly, trying to remain
Ultimate Ninja, of course, did it the best. Personally, he marvelled that
his ninja abilities seemed to be at their peak, rather than having lost them
as his Sensei had told him would happen. Little did he know that after he'd
tripped over the wire, Opinionated Lad had formed the Opinion that Ultimate
Ninja should have been the stealthiest one of the whole crew. With the
power of an offhand Opinion, Ultimate Ninja's powers had been restored.
Opinionated Lad wasn't any slouch either. Usually bold and brassy, he'd
taken the time to reverse his dark coat into a black trenchcoat and fedora,
with a black scarf over his face -- rather like The Shadow, in fact.
(Opinionated Lad always felt that Lamont Cranston was a stylish dresser and
in stealth missions like these it was best to mimic the masters. Although
he had no power to make himself invisible to the eyes of mortal men.)
The Gaffer wasn't doing bad either. An unknown facet of his powers was,
when he was truly, desperately needed, if he didn't want to be found, then
no one could find him.
And of course, there was Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass, but that was
the whole of her existence. One of these days, the author wrote, I'm going
to have to write a story where she becomes Visible-Tangible-Audible Lass and
gains whole new powers. After all, the author further mused, it wouldn't do
to have yet another Netlurker wandering about the Looniverse.
The rest of the band of intrepid heroes sneaked quietly along. Well, that
was a misnomer. Easily-Discovered Man had been purposefully misled into
believing that the heroes were going to leave 10 minutes later, so the bold
hero didn't interrupt their stealthy approach. Steak-And-Potatoes Man, a
bit miffed that people kept forgetting the hyphens in his name, had
volunteered to stay behind at LNH HQ and keep watch over the flock of sheep
until Bo Peep arrived. Onion Lad, however, strayed behind with Curly, Fred,
and Captain Cleanup, a small bunch of heroes who thought they were the main
body. Actually, Opinionated Lad felt they were the decoys to distract the
Sheepshagger from realizing that UN, Gaffer, and himself were the real
attack. Occultism Kid also walked along with the main group, his mystic
powers keeping him from real notice, while he kept an eye on the rest of the
Trailing the crew was The Indie, who made sure he could see everybody in his
field of vision, except for the Gaffer, of course, who he couldn't find, and
Ultimate Ninja, who was just too darn good to be spotted. And of course,
I-I-I Lass. With him was Easily-Discovered Man Lite, still wondering if he
could talk The Indie into joining up with him to film Mr. Paprika
Foreshadowing suddenly occurred, and a future plot was spawned. Heh heh heh,
thought the author maniacally.
And following even these two, at a safe distance, was the previously
disappeared Tsar Chasm, who'd only gone to the bathroom when Opinionated Lad
had Opined him away. He was in fact curious to see how this would all end
Back at the front, the three scouts stopped at the entrance to the villain's
"Aha! A Motel 6!" Ultimate Ninja hissed. "This guy really IS cheap."
"Like I said before," remarked Opinionated Lad. "I really don't think this
guy would stay at the Berkshire. And renting an actual villain hideout
would be even more money to spend."
"So, do you think it's trapped?" Ultimate Ninja stepped onto the front
step, when the SHeep Actualization Grenade went off, causing energy to
cascade wildly around the heroes.
"Reet then, tha's got 'em!!" The Sheepshagger burst from the door of the
boarding house, gleeful that his little trap had captured some of the heroes
in its jaws. "Now, me pratties, yuir all goin' ta me room, an' weel hev'
erselvz' a pahrty reet Scottish stall!" It seemed that with each succeeding
part of the cascade story, the Shagger's accent got worse and worse. "Ez
suin ez this bleedin' smoke clerz, A'll gether yez oop and take yez to..."
he stopped, looking at the figures emerging from the smoke.
Opinionated Lad, thanks to his timely formed Opinion, had not turned into a
sheep, although Ultimate Sheep and Gaffer Sheep stood mutely by. "Looking
for someone?" asked Opinionated Lad.
"Ach! Ye shuid be a bleedin' beestie! Will, A'll git ye wit' me gun!"
Sheepshagger reached for his weapon, but Opinionated Lad reached for him
"You're not going anywhere," stated The Opinionated One, who slammed his
fist clean across the face of Sheepshagger in a picture-perfect right cross.
Sheepshagger stumbled blindly over Gaffer Sheep who'd moved right behind the
nefarious villain, waiting for Opinionated Lad's attack. He sprawled
helplessly on the ground while Ultimate Sheep dragged the SHeep
Actualization Gun away with his teeth.
"Yew... yew... yew hit me!" The Sheepshagger looked up at Opinionated Lad
with incredulity in his eyes. "Yuir a cosmic'ly puwr'd hero! Yuir
suppoosed ta use yer powers again' me!"
"What? And give you a chance to USE that thing? I work out for a reason,
jerk." Opinionated Lad saw the rest of the LNH'ers arrive. "You're
through, buddy. Now where's Deja Sheep?"
"Hahahaha! A'll nivir till yew," gloated the villain.
"I think you will," said Opinionated Lad. Catching Gaffer Sheep's eye, he
motioned for the former Lighting Technician to approach. "We have ways of
making you talk."
"Nivir! No bad moovie lines r' goin' ta make me talk!"
"Gaffer, crap on his face."
"HEY! HEY! WHOA!" Occultism Kid seemed to be morally upset. "This isn't
an Acraphobe, you know! We can't have stuff like that happening here!"
"You're right, Occultism Kid. Damn, I hate it when that happens."
Opinionated Lad thought, then brightened. "I know! Easily-Discovered Man
Lite! Go to LNH HQ and get Steak-And-Potatoes Man! We'll do something that
will make this guy cooperate."
"Do yuir worst," said the villain, who still couldn't get up because
Opinionated Lad had his foot on the villain's chest. "A'm a man, A can
stand inny amount o' payne."
"Tell him to bring the deep fryer. We'll force-feed this guy fish and chips
until he talks."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Sheepshagger started struggling, but the muscular
might of the Opinionated One kept the puny perpetrator pinned. "Not ENGLISH
FOOD! I'll talk! I'll talk!"
"Hi guys!" aLLiterative Lass said. "I just got here. What's going on?"
"Where is he, Shagger? Talk, or we give you... Steak and Kidney Pie!"
"Argh! He's upstairs!"
"Indie, go get him."
"That's _THE_ Indie!"
"I do NOT have the time, the energy or the inclination to follow your stupid
ideas on how you should be called!" Opinionated Lad burst out. "Having to
call you 'The Indie' when I am speaking in second-person tone is REALLY
dumb, and it's my Opinion that I, at least, shouldn't have to do it!!"
"Okay," said The Indie, "you can call me Indie, BUT NO ONE ELSE! Everybody
else, it's _THE_ Indie!"
"That's better. Now, go and get Deja Sheep."
"Never mind, guys." Onion Lad spoke up. "I already went upstairs while you
"I see you decided to be useful for a change," quipped Opinionated Lad.
"Where's the sheep?"
"That's just it. He's not there."
Jennifer Whitson <jawhitso at uci.edu>
Meanwhile, back at the LNHHQ, Steak-And-Potatoes Man was waging a battle of
willpower. He clung to the countertop in LNHHQ kitchen, staring heavily at
his own warped reflection in the polished surface of a large pot.
He had the wizardy of San. He had the perfect recipe for Mutton Surprise, so
tender that it would melt in your mouth. He ached to _cook_. But they were
teenaged girls, not sheep. Dazed teenaged girls.
Would the world miss just one?
No! He would not sacrifice his heroic mettle simply for a recipie. Not even
if it was one of the most perfect he had ever seen, not even if he had all
the ingredients on hand, not even -- there was a disturbance in the lobby.
Welcoming the distraction, Steak-And-Potatoes Man rushed out to find utter
chaos. Fred, like all receptionists that had been with the LNH for a while,
had known enough to turn tail and flee. Now the receptionists' desk was
occupied by a bevy of kiwis. At their center, a particularly large kiwi in a
striped tie had a thick book open, and appeared to be reading from it.
"Kiwi! Kiwi, kiwi kiwi kiwi. Kiwi! Kiwi! Kiwikiwikiwi. Kiwi!" screamed the
Steak-And-Potatoes Man had never interacted much with the LNHHQ kiwis. There
weren't any recipies for them in his books, and watching them in action had
given him the vaguest idea that trying to cook one of them would result in
some pretty violent activity. But whatever it was they were doing now, it
didn't seem very conducive to the continued peace of the HQ. He squinted at
the book, and a chill went through his spine as he realized what it was: a
"Hey, now," he said, and started forward. Six sets of kiwi eyes focused on
him, and narrowed. In a flash, every kiwi but the one reading out of the
book had tackled him. S-A-P Man fought heroically, but the tiny birds gave
no quarter, and didn't fight fair, either.
But he was too late. The kiwi in the lawyer's tie continued to chant, the
words, as far as S-A-P Man could tell, rising in tempo and emphasis.
Easily Discovered Man Lite opened the main doors to the HQ just in time to
hear the last "KIWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" echo through the building, as space
warped and fluxed around the sheep. With one panicked "Baaaaaaaa!" they were
gone, to parts unknown.
Lite stepped cautiously into the Lobby, doing his best not to meet the gaze
of the incredibly satisfied-looking kiwi wearing a striped lawyer tie. "Is
there anybody here who doesn't speak in animal noises?" he asked.
A hand rose up and waved around weakly. The pile of kiwis moved obligingly
out of the way, happy now that the LNHHQ was once again theirs alone. Not
counting all the heroes running about, of course, but they didn't matter so
much. Steak-And-Potatoes Man stood up and brushed himself off. Well, at
least he didn't have to worry about that mutton recipie anymore.
Next Week: Mutton Mania Part Eight!!!!!!!!
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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