LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #50: Flame Wars III Part Two

Drew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Fri Jun 29 22:19:25 PDT 2018

On 2/25/2018 3:53 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> Firstly, we have Jamas Enright with Fan.Boy #11.  Fan.Boy meets
> two blue cloaked beings named Pjack and Pjill.

Oh, god, yeah, this is a dark one.

> Next, we have Jessica "Jaelle" Ihimaera-Smiler with Writer's Block
> Woman #21 where we see if Mouse can outrun a large, hulking, armored
> guy who just wants to kill all time travelers.

Place your bets!

>         [The cover is focusing on a man with a glass skull. He is holding
>          Net.ropolis in one hand. In the other can be seen Barry Knewbee
>          and Contraption Man, standing zombie like. The man is saying in
>          a large speech bubble "ALL THAT I HOLD, IS MINE!"]

That's a good cover!

>          While getting ready, he considered his duties. He had spent the
> rest of the previous few days cleaning the hanger bay, as due penance for
> stealing a net.thingee. While he had got to know Captain Cleanup quite
> well by then, he knew he couldn't face another day of it.

>          Outside, he had barely enough time to get down the steps before
> he heard someone say "Ah, just the sort of person we've been searching
> for," and then something over took his mind.


>          Light filled the room, a bright luminescence, which slowly
> lessened from the outlying areas to concentrate in the centre of the
> apartment, taking on a shape as it did so. Soon, an outline hung in the
> air, a form of anti-silhouette, outlining a man's body.
>          The radiance died, revealing a man frozen in position with his
> eyes closed. His eyes snapped open, and he looked around the room.
>          "Bah," he muttered. "Alive again."

That's definitely a curiosity-plucking moment.

>          #GET ON WITH IT#
>          "Shan't" the man said, in a childish voice. Although there was
> no visible response he eventually stood up. "Oh, all right, but stop
> doing that. What do you want me to do?"
>          #YOU KNOW#
>          The man nodded moodily. That was the problem. He did.

Good mysterious setup.

>          The other figure lay at their feet, in a huddled mass. Although
> his body was that of a 19 year old, his attitude was one of a whipped
> dog. His clothes were dirty and torn, and his body was in a state of
> severe food deprivation.

;.; Must murder evil people.

> It was a room in the LNHQ that belonged to an LNHer. In the general
> sense. Of being an LNHer, that is. The room contained a bed, a chest of
> drawers, a few chairs, a goldfish bowl, with goldfish, a large stuffed
> panda holding a sign saying "Has anyone got a pot of hot water?", and was
> decorated with dried flowers.

Ah! Weirdness Girl's room! :D ...but what's Misfits doing in Fan.Boy, in a third 
unrelated crossover? X3

>          Oh well, better get started. First, however, the man carefully
> moved the goldfish bowl onto a chair, and put it out of the way. No
> sense in incurring more trouble than usual.


> In fact,
> she had recently tidied her room. It had been done by accident, she had
> really only been looking for a pencil, but, nevertheless, it hadn't
> looked like this.

Whoops I reversed entropy

>          "I don't know what you're talking about," said Brittany
> carefully. "Why don't we sit down over a cup of arsenic and discuss it."
>          "No, thank you. I'm trying to give it up."


>          Brittany quickly opened the closet fully and reached onto the
> top shelf. "Get back," she said, grabbing what was there, and pointing
> it at the man. "Or, I'll attack you with this... note?"
>          Brittany got a good look at what she was holding. It was indeed
> a note. She read it:
>          "Dear Brittany,
>          I was up here going through your underwear, and trying
>          on your clothes when I came across this great sword. I
>          have borrowed it for a while. Hope you don't mind.
>          Ta,
>                  Cheesecake Eater Lad."

*snerkcackles* Fascinating.

> The man looked upwards. "Was that really necessary?" Not receiving an
> answer, he went over to the closet, reaching upwards. He grasp a handle
> and drew out a sword named Dirmawr.
>          "You and me have a little business to discuss." The man entered
> the closet, pulling it closed behind him.

Dun dun dunnnn...

> Brittany reentered a few moments later, to yell at the man to get out,
> and... and noticed everything was back to normal. Her bed was back in
> position, and her clothes were back in their proper drawers, which lay
> in an unbroken frame.
>          She cast a look at Binky, now back on the chest of drawers, but
> he just burbled happily.

Huh. X3 Okay
>          Anyway, these information dumps were in vogue a while back as
> memory modules, a sort of electronic diary. The five prongs were a
> safety feature. Hook it up to a terminal in the wrong order, and kaboom!

Interesting. I can't tell if the five prongs prevent or cause the kaboom. X3

> The niteclub was indeed open. Now. Not many things remained the way
> Pjack and Pjill didn't want them to be.

Ah god. @-@ So I'm not gonna comment on most of this scene. I'm just gonna say: 
The open sadism here is absolutely intense. It wrecked me back in the day. 
Though man, it really kinda comes out of nowhere. The series had gotten darker 
but this was *way* worse than that basically out of the blue. I wouldn't really 
want to run into this without *some* kind of warning, TBH.

>          It was the Ultimate Ninja. "We've got more time travellers.
> These ones are very advanced mentalists, but that's not the problem."

I mean, I think they're a problem. o3o On the other hand, it's notable that we 
don't see them go up against any beings with really significant powers, until...

> Power. He could feel their power as he stepped into them. True, it
> wasn't magic, but it was still power. Power he could take, power he
> could use.
>          Dirmawr possessed Pjack and Pjill, and ravaged their souls.

Yep. Though man, I also don't want Evil Sword Dude to have that o3o

> ##################
>          Mmmm. Mmmmmm. Wha? What?
>                    #########################
>          What's happening? Is someone there?
>                                             ###############################
> #####
>          Is there someone there? Please... please answer me? Is there
> anybody there?

This is a fascinating scene that I also don't think has anything to do with the 
crossover. o3o

> Contraption Man kicked the wall in disgust. He had a perfect opportunity
> to take out Flashback, and he'd let it go.

Aw, sweetie.

>          Contraption Man turned his attention to memory module. The
> computer had decrypted the first file. He quickly brought it up. It read:
>          "This... this is my first recording. I'm not sure if this thing
> is working or not. I took it from Contrap.... Oh gods. <sounds of sobbing>
> I took this from Contraption Man's room. He won't miss it. He's.. he's
> dead. Oh gods, they're all dead..."


> Let's sing the anvil song!
>   ___      ___                                  ______
>   \  \    /  /__________________________   ___  | ___ \__   _____________  __
>    \  \/\/  /|___ \_____|_____| ___| __ \ / __| | | / /| |  | __  | ___| |/ /
>     \      / | |/ / | |   | | \ \  | |/ / \ \   | | \ \| |  | | | | |  |   /
>      \    /  | |\ \_| |_  | | / /__| |\ \__\ \  | |_/ /| |__| |_| | |__|   \
>       \/\/   |_| \_\____| |_| \____|_| \_\___/  |____/ |____|_____|____|_|\_\
>        ___      ___
>        \  \    /  /_________  ____________  __
>         \  \/\/  /| __  |   \/   | __  |  \ | |
>          \      / | | | | |\  /| | |_| |   \| |
>           \    /  | |_| | | \/ | | __  | |\   |
>            \/\/   |_____|_|    |_|_| |_|_| \__|                 (and Mouse)

Yaaaaaaay! <3 <3 <3

> Part Four of the Flame Wars III (a trilogy in six parts. We're ahead of
> Douglas Adams, we're ahead of Douglas Adams... ahem... :-)

Heeheehee but also awh ;.;

>          "Gods. If I start angsting who knows what could happen! The
> universe might end. And it would be my fault, mine! All my fault. I'd
> never intended to hurt anybody, I didn't mean it!" Mouse clutched
> melodramatically at her heart and placed her other hand against her
> forehead, "Rhett! Rhett! Whatever shall ah do? Where-ever shall ah go?"
> she proclaimed in an over-exagerated accent. Then she got the giggles.


> In a movie,
> this would have been called 'stupid', with half the audience yelling out
> "Look out behind you! Turn around you stupid bint!" or other phrases to
> this same effect. Here, it's called normality. Mostly because if you
> called Mouse a stupid bint she'd probably break your arm. She'd feel very
> sorry about it _afterwards_ of course. Well, maybe. Then again, maybe not.


> "Hey, Ultimate Ninja! Heeeeey!" Mouse zoomed down another corridor
> (there's a lot of them in this building) and ran to UN's door. She banged
> on it once, "Yo! Ninj! Open up okay? There's this big..." her voice
> trailed off. Nobody was in. There was a note on the door, it read: "Have
> gone in search of big hulking armoured killer of time travellers at large
> in Net.ropolis. Back in UN #16. Ultimate Ninja."


>          "Ta. Right now, the message?"
>          Mouse dictated; "Dear UN, found that armoured guy, or to be more
> precise, he found me. To be even more precise, he is currently chasing me
> around the HQ, wanting to know where the timetraveller I know is. DO
> SOMETHING! Love and kisses, Mouse. PS. NOW!"
>          "Okay, I got it. I'll pass it on as soon as he gets in." the
> voice cut out.
>          Mouse looked up as Flashback lumbered round the corridor. She
> sighed, and started running again.

*cackles* I love this comedy.

>          Writers Block Woman watched in confusion as Mouse sprinted past
> her. "Mouse honey, I'm over here." she called. She turned to watch her
> daughter run past. So she didn't see Flashback heading towards her at
> full tilt...
>          KLANG!
>          Writers Block Woman flew through the air, not of her own accord.


> About a mile up she managed to gain control of herself and considered her
> situation:
>          one) Mouse had been running away from something behind her.
>          two) Something behind Mouse had slammed into WBW, knocking her
> into the sky.
>          three) The hat she'd just bought had gotten squashed.
> Writers Block Woman got mad.

 >:D Writer's Block Woman is a great mom



>          "Er sorry." said Pity, getting out of the car and helping Mouse
> off, "Who's Flashback?"
>          "TIME TRAVELLER! YOU DIE!" Flashback charged out at them.
>          "Oh." Pity said

X3 <3

> landed in front of Flashback,
>          "You see this hat?" she demanded, flourishing it. Flashback
> looked a bit confusedly at the hat.
>          "This was a _brand_ _new_ hat. I just bought it. It cost me a lot
> of money. It was going to be a special lucky hat because I paid for it
> with money I won in my first game of pool ever. [See the latest issue of
> the Kiwi Kommandoes for brief details of the game.] But now it can't _be_
> that because _you_ squashed it. What have you got to say for yourself?"
>          "Ummmm... I'm sorry?" Flashback guessed.
>          "Not yet you aren't." retorted WBW, and punched him in the nose.


>          "A time traveller! You've got to get him out of here, there's a
> man roaming Net.ropolis killing time travellers!" the man interrupted.
>          "Big guy? Armoured?" asked Mouse.
>          "How many time traveller killers do you have in this city?" asked Pity.


>          I was told that my powers were inadequate to the task of being a
> Legionairre. I suppose I should explain... I have the ability to touch a
> person, and in doing so, recall some of their memories. But they turned
> me down because I was a minor without huge powers to compensate for that."
>          "They refused him entry on those grounds?" asked Mouse
> incredulously, "Are we talking about the same Legion that let
> Easily-Discovered Man Lite join?"

Just wait until we get to R.E.J.E.C.T.S. '95.

>          "Ahem," said Mouse, "This may not be the best time to mention it,
> but are you aware that your shoelaces are untied?"
>          Time slowed to a crawl as the two heros, one time traveller, and
> Flashback pondered the scenario set before them. The strands of
> probability twisted, acraphobe-flavoured strawberry fields and jam, green
> eggs and ham, the laws of science, sensibility and nature fought to
> maintain the precious laws of reality against the full power of weirdness
> and absurdity.
>          But this is Writers Block Woman and Mouse, so all probabilities,
> logicalities and bets are off. Flashback looked down at his shoes.

Heeheeheehee :3

>          Mouse and Pity headed for the end of a corridor, behind them they
> could hear Flashback staggering to his feet and beginning to come after
> them. At the end of the corridor was an elevator.
>          "You realise," gasped Pity, "That if we try to use the elevator
> the doors will close just as he arrives there and then he'll jump down on
> top of it and try to punch his way in from above."
>          "Uh huh." replied Mouse. They were clearly of one mind about
> this. Not even bothering to slow down they got to the end of the corridor
> and jumped through the window next to the elevator.


>          Flashback jumped through the window, knocked slightly off-balance
> by the parting shots fired by Contraption Man. Landing he looked around
> for the running duo. And was confronted by the running millions. Unable
> to believe what his senses were telling him, he looked at a passing
> banner. It read: "The Conspiracy Corporation Sponsors and Supports the 15th
> Annual Net.ropolis Marathon". If Flashback had been one iota less
> obsessed, he would have cried. As it was, he started running.

X3 I love it when the bad guy is the butt of the jokes.

>          "No, other stuff..." Pity gasped for air, and watched resentfully
> as he was overtaken by a jogging piece of cloth.

Oh, I get it

>          Flashback watched them go. Then he looked at where the time
> traveller had been. Then he considered the events of the past episode.
> Then he straightened, and loaded his gun with a menacing k-chlak...
>          "I will find _another_ time traveller to kill!" he declared, and
> stomped off in the direction of the Flame Wars III part Five. Proving
> once and for all, that he's _not_ as dumb as he looks.

X3 <3 <3 <3

Drew "crossovers are fun" Perron

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