LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #66: Birth Of A Villain Part Six

Drew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Wed Jun 27 22:02:49 PDT 2018

On 6/24/2018 4:39 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> Returning to the Birth of a Villain cascade with #16 (and where did
> #14 and 15 go.. who knows) is Rob Rogers.  And with all the characters
> already in this cascade is there anymore room for -- the undead corpse of
> William H Taft?


> And Saxon Brenton follows up with #17 -- with a 'Spotlight On:
> Chinese Guy With Squirrel'  Will we get some crazy Superguy/LNH
> action going or just the hint of some crazy Superguy/LNH action?

An especially good hint, I find.

>                  He lumbers on, his destiny to meet
>                  Though thousands cry in Belgrade's blood-paved streets
>                  And Baghdad's skies are darkened still with smoke
>                  'Twas not their cries unwound him from his sheets
>                  He hearkens not to screams of wretched folk
>                  The voice that finally called him from his grave
>                  Came from one powerful, rich constituent
>                  Its laws to be enforced, its hide to save --
>                  At its command a fallen president

haha this isn't. relevant and relatable x-x

> "Hey.  Look, brother.  I know we've
> fought over girls before...and I've always said, you can't let them control
> you like this.  I mean today, she's making you trash this restaurant and try
> to destroy the Legion of Net.Heroes.  Tomorrow she could be taking you
> shopping at Victoria's Secret.

Seriously, their stuff is overpriced and boring

>          "Your brother is beyond hearing, beyond reason," Vector said.  "This
> city's greatest warriors have already fallen to me; a handful of others
> have fled, as though flight would save them.

Yeah, I'm actually a little confused as to what happened there - didn't Vector 
disappear and they left and then she was back?

>          "What?" Vector snarled.  "Something is blocking my control!"
>          *It's me,* Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass realized.  *By
> standing between Vector and Authorial, I'm somehow canceling out her ability
> to control his mind.  At last, I...*
>          Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass gasped.  She fell to her knees,
> writhing in the grip of a pain her intangible body had not known existed.
>          *Surprise,* Vector said.

I love these innovative ways to use and interact with her powers.

>          "So," Mouse asked, smoothing back a long strand of hair that had
> fallen, like a chestnut waterfall, across her forehead, "does anyone know
> where to find Alice Springs?"
>          "No, but if you hum a few bars, I can play it," Lite said.
>          "No, but I know where Carmen Sandiego is, and it only took me one
> issue," Coward Lad said.
>          "Alice Springs is just another waypost on the road to find yourself,"
> said DeadHead Man.
>          "Chirrup!" offered the squirrel.

heeheeheehee :3 :3 :3

>          Mouse sighed, fingered the childproof cap to her bottle of Ludicrous
> Strength Pain-Relief Tablets and shook two chalky pills into her palm.


>          "But we will, you see," Writers Block Woman said.  "That nice Asian
> fellow is helping Insomnia Lad enter an hypnotic trance so that he can
> remember where Alice Springs is located.  Apparently, Insomnia Lad has
> caught glimpses of nearly every community in the world while watching late
> night infomercials.

Another thoughtful use of ridiculous powers!

>          "But why?  And why use sleep to defeat us?" Lite asked.  "My theory
> is that Vector is somehow stealing our dreams.  She thrives on dream energy,
> and she needed to capture the Legion's dreams in order to conquer the world."

I mean, I'd read that story too

>          "The Prof?" Lite asked.  "He'd probably say that super-heroes aren't
> supposed to be detectives, that being a super-hero has nothing to do with
> crime fighting.  He'd say that the whole point of being a super-hero isn't
> stopping bad guys, that the point is to inspire all of the good guys in the
> world to go out and do the things they didn't think they could do."

:D <3 <3 <3 I love him

>          "Who's your daddy now?" the Acolyte said, flashing a grin of triumph
> at his companion.  Father Brown merely raised one eyebrow in response.
>          "Sorry," the acolyte said.  "It's just that I've been waiting all
> afternoon for an excuse to say that."

*snerk* Neeeeerd

>          "Stomper Files, 11 November 1993," the figure said.  "Contraption
> Man passed on the following information to me today regarding the history
> of interdimensional teleportation.  I have recorded it here in the belief
> that it may become useful, should scientists of our time develop the
> required technology to actualize it."


>          "According to Contraption Man, the first controlled teleportation
> experiments took place in the spring of 1999, when a young woman in Net.
> Zealand noticed that one of a favorite pair of blue socks had materialized
> in a grove of trees less than a mile from her home," Dr. Stomper said.
>          "Had the young woman harnessed this newfound technology for
> interstellar exploration or instantaneous energy transference, the world of
> the future might have been a very different place, Contraption Man reported.
> Unfortunately, the woman rebuilt her dryer into a device for teleporting her
> friends from overseas back and forth into her home.  After about three weeks
> of unannounced visits, day and night, from everyone she had ever met or heard
> of, the woman destroyed the device in a fit of sleeplessness and rage,
> unfortunately trapping an acquaintance from the States in the lint filter
> for all eternity.  Interdimensional teleportation would be lost to science
> for another 150 years..."

I love this entire story. X3 I was going to call "too-soon-future shenanigans" 
before we got to this part.

> In their faces and in the
> walls of his spherical plastic prison

That's a nice visual detail.

> Grad saw the reflection of a dozen
> Vectors fleeing before the approach of what appeared to be the animated
> corpse of President William Howard Taft.
>          "Now this," the Acolyte said, "this is just plain silly."


>          "I still believe summoning the Cabbage Wielding Angel of Death will
> prove to be a mistake," Father Brown said.

I mean, Jesse grew out of that stage.

> And this sassy little Vector with the black
> beret is showing us what all the fashion-conscious super-villains will be
> wearing in '99.  It says, 'I could destroy the world and all its people,
> or I could put on a pair of black patent-leather boots and go dancing.' "

Oooh, kicky!

>          "Does he _ever_ shut up?" Twaeila Brock asked Mouse.
>          "Yes," Mouse said.  "But you have to kiss him."
>          Brock wrinkled her nose.  "Maybe I could just stuff a sweatsock in
> his mouth."

Heeheehee :3

>          "Time to deploy for battle!" Insomnia Lad said.  "Let's kick some
> world-conquering butt!"
>          Those aboard the flight.thingee remained immobile.
>          "Last one out of the shuttle has to sit next to Coward Lad and listen
> to his problems on the way home," Mouse yelled.  The bay cleared in seconds.
>          "People, I believe we have a battle cry!" Lite said, as Writers
> Block Woman placed him and Mouse on the ground before a crowd of Vectors.

<3 <3 <3 Rob always does *astoundingly* good banter.

>          "So," Vector said, "you've found me."

Wait, so did we run away from you at the restaurant, or...

>          "Whatever your plan, whatever your purpose, the Legion of Net.Heroes
> is here to stop you," Insomnia Lad said.  Behind him the squirrel shook its
> tiny fist for emphasis.


>          "I'll show you what the Legion of Net.Heroes is _supposed_ to look
> like," Vector said, as the clones beside her blurred and shifted into
> familiar shapes.
>          "It's can't be," Insomnia Lad said.  "She's turned them into evil
> duplicates of Rebel Yell, Kid Kirby, Lurking Girl, Organic Lass, Pocket Man,
> Marvel Zombie Lad, Comics Snob Boy, Lost Cause Boy and Continuity Champ!"

Ahhh, yes, the first instance of Vector shapeshifting. Also, the early '90s is 
now a vintage era that can be referenced freely!

> Birth Of A Villain
> a chaotic add-on cascade-type Legion of Net.Heroes story
> part 17 (I think)

Something like that.

> Continuity note: This bit is set sometime during Rob's part 16. I
> guess that makes this part 16-and-a-half, but to be honest I'm getting
> tired of that of that schtick.

But fractional issue numbers! ;-;

>       Gorilla Grad had vanished trying to defuse a bomb, while Vector had
> used her 'Legionnaire's Disease' to put most of Net.ropolis to sleep and
> then began replicating herself across the net. While the net.heroes Lad
> and Authorial had distracted her the remaining versions of Vector at
> Planet Kirby, the other heroes had piled into a van and headed off to the
> Legion of Net.Heroes headquarters, encountering the Writers Block Beast
> along the way.

Vector totally disappeared along with GG tho! X3 Ahhhh, trying to keep the 
continuity straight in a cascade, good times...

> He'd leant years ago to catch short bursts of sleep
> whenever the opportunity presented itself, so he leaned his head against
> cabin wall and nodded off.
>       Almost immediately, he was awake again, and not on the
> flight.thingee.

I love this kind of scene. :D Cosmic doings in a dreamworld.

>       "It is precisely your secret identity that is of concern to us,
> Jack, aka Crazy Guy of 973HONGKONGFILMS, and current resident of
> 000SUPERGUY," replied Kaylor.

Dun dun dunnnn! Yep, he's actually one of Dvandom's Superguy characters, and...

  He took out a sheath of papers and
> consulted them. "Pursuant of the postings of your Author, David Van
> Domelen, on 31st March, 6th April, and 3rd May 1999, you are contractually
> obliged to make only one cameo in the chaotic add-on cascade-type Legion
> of Net.Heroes story 'Birth Of A Villain', and are furthermore explicitly
> forbidden from making further appearances.


>       "Well, hey," said Jack, his lips slightly out-of-sync with the words
> he was saying. "I *tried* to leave, but the LNH Writers kept dragging me
> back into their story. They're almost as thick and unable to take a hint
> as the Authors are.

Heeheehee >#>

>       "Irrelevant," said Kaylor.
>       "I'm not so sure about that," interjected Wheezie. "This is a
> fictional universe. Narrative is everything, especially character
> development generated by heroes wrestling with moral imperatives."

Sure, but do the people with power over copyright law know anything about that? 
Or are they just interested in maintaining characters and stories as the 
continual property of immortal corporations? >:/ >:/ >:/

>       "Once I would have helped prosecute the case, render verdict, and
> then post bail. But for now I must remain..."
>       "An overly cryptic pain in the butt," observed Wheezie with a
> sardonic smile. "Hello, Stranger."

Cute. :3

> In his
> hand was held his Editorial Staff, capped with a tip of Ebon Unobtainium.

Oh a wizard's staff has a knob on the end...

>       The Stranger turned to Crazy Guy. "It has been arranged so that your
> presence in this storyline after issue #3 can be taken over by your direct
> Looniversal counterpart, Chinese Guy, and his sidekick Lenny the squirrel.

"Chinese Guy" was probably not the best name decision. X3 But that's how this 
spur-of-the-moment stuff goes.

>       "Whoa!" exclaimed Jack as he stared at his counterpart.
>       "That's amazing!" added Bruce, equally overcome.
>       Louie and Lenny waved paws at each other.


>       "Okay you two," came the no-nonsense voice of someone new. Up from
> behind the Dvandom Stranger flew a small form. It was a female figure some
> 15 centimetres tall - closer inspection showed that she was a red and
> green robot who flew on dragon wings. "It's time to get you back to
> 000SUPERGUY," said Kat. "We've got to get you back in time for the
> dream sequence in #30 of your SG title. No dawdling now; move it."

I love her.

>       Chinese Guy and Lenny vanished. Wheezie took out her clipboard and
> scribbled something on it. To no-one in particular she commented, "It
> occurs to me that the Legion had an opening for a martial artist
> character."


> After all the crap he had to put up with a couple of years ago
> during the Red Gauntlet Affair with Chris Ireland, I figure that if the
> poor fellow says that he doesn't want his Superguy character appearing in
> this thread, then we should respect his wishes.

Oh god, that whole thing. XD That's definitely never going to be a Classic LNH 

>       Of course, I *could* have done something that radically altered the
> premise behind Chinese Guy being so like Crazy Guy - making him an
> imposter or an amnesiac martial artist or an alien shapeshifter or
> somesuch. You know, something *innocuous*. But - without in any way
> wanting to be malicious - this way was much more fun.

Yes :3 Metafiction and silliness wins the day again!

Drew "fun was had by all" Perron

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