LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #68: Birth Of A Villain Part Eight
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Jul 8 13:13:25 PDT 2018
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the eighth section of a Birth Of A Villain.
Returning to the Birth of a Villain cascade with #23 (was there
a 18, 19, and 20 -- who knows) is Jessica "Jaelle" Ihimaera-Smiler.
Mouse and Lite and various other characters are trapped in 1984 --
can a 1984 Dr. Stomper help them?
And Saxon Brenton follows up with #24. Where we see if it is
wise to unleash the Space Dvandoms.
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
Birth Of A Villain Part Eight
From: Jessica <jaelle at ihug.co.nz>
Subject: LNH: Birth of a Villain #23
Date: 10 Aug 1999 11:11:41 -0000
Birth Of A Villain: Part 23
What Has Gone Before: (borrowed and adapted from Rob's
The Melissa computer virus, come to life as the
super-villain Vector, threatens to destroy the Internet
with the aid of her "Legionaires' Disease." While
super-heroes Lad, Authorial and Invisible Intangible
Inaudible Lass escape her overwhelming abilities,
another group of super-heroes (supposedly led by
Easily-Discovered Man Lite and Mouse) have been sidetracked
from their quest to find the mysterious Lotion of Emotion,
by the Vectorbot, and sent back to 1984 in really awful
period costumes. Of their team, only Writers Block Woman,
Chinese Guy and Insomnia Lad remain, hurtling towards
the ground and confronted by the victorious Vectorbot.
Gorilla Grad, rescued by a leftover failsafe computer
programme of Doctor Stomper's, has escaped and is trying
to warn the remaining LNH members of the Church of the
Fourth Walls plans for Doctor Stompers interdimensional
teleportational technology. He has also discovered
The evil Church of the Fourth Wall is currently being
besieged by the animated corpse of former President W.H.
Taft and is trying to call up the Cabbage Wielding Angel
of Death to defeat him.
Tsar Chasm has also entered the good fight, perturbed at
the recent activities around him.
In more worrying news, the plot summaries are starting to
rival the storylines for length.
When last we left our fleeing Gorilla, he was doing just
Gorilla Grad fled away from his former place of captivity,
evading the lookouts as he went. There seemed to be an awful
lot of them - many of them wearing combat gear. He wondered
why they were not helping fend off ex-President William Taft.
He cleared the immediate area and paused for breath, looking
around him. "What is... where am I?"
"Washing.net, just outside the headquarters of the Church of
the Fourth Wall." came a voice from just above him. He
looked up to see a man floating impressively in mid-air.
Even more impressively, he was managing to do this whilst
also wearing full battle armour.
Gorilla Grad gasped. "Tsar Chasm!"
The villain's villain smiled briefly at him. "The one and
only. Which is more than I can say about Vector. There _is_
such a thing as too many redheads you know."
"BLASPHEMY!" yelled a voice and a man in combat gear dropped
down from out of a nearby tree and began to fire at Tsar
Chasm, who with one casual wave of his arm put up a shield,
and with the other, grabbed Gorilla Grad and dragged him away
"So, what business did the Church have with you?" he inquired.
"They wanted to sacrifice me to call forth the Cabbage-
Wielding Angel of Death." Gorilla Grad replied. "Who was that
"Just a Summers fan, odd to find one of them in this group."
Tsar Chasm observed. "So they actually went ahead with their
foolish decision. Well, upon their own heads be it - I gave
them fair warning of the results."
"Warning?" Gorilla Grad frowned. "The note they received
from you said that you'd enjoyed having lunch with someone...
er.... Mouse. That was it. And that you wanted to do it
Tsar Chasm stared at him. "Ummm... are you quite sure it
"No warnings or anything?"
"They read it out in front of me," said Gorilla Grad. "I
remember exactly what it said: 'Had a great time. Maybe
we could share another meal again soon. TC'."
Tsar Chasm thought about this. "Oops."
"Wrong note?" guessed Gorilla Grad.
"You got it," Tsar Chasm put his head in his hands. "Great,
now they think I want to eat lunch with them and goodness
only knows what Mouse thought of me!"
"Mouse? The one that got blasted back into 1984?" asked
"Yes, I'm still not sure about how they... what do you mean
got blasted back into 1984?" demanded TC.
"Well, this failsafe of Doctor Stomper's told me that the
default setting on the teleportation device would have
sent them all back to 1984, to the beginning of his
Enlightenment dawned on TC's face. "Of course, they stole
some of Stomper's technology! That must be the key to
Vector's abilities. Quick! Back to the LNH HQ. The files
I need will be there."
"But what about the Church of the Fourth Wall?" asked
"They're about to have troubles of their own." grinned
"And Mouse and the others?"
Tsar Chasm paused. "Mouse is... resourceful. I'm sure she'll
make it back here at the required time."
Meanwhile, back in 1984 - when last we left our valiant heros
(or some of them at least) they were dressed in up to the
fashion chic (for 1984) and watching TV. Honestly, this
"People of this running-dog capitalist plot paper-tiger
Trotsky-ridden regime," the male began. "My name is Boris
'The Hammer' Ivanyoutovanmeyovich."
"And I," the woman said, "am Natasha 'The Sickle'
"And together," both said, "we will crush this symbol of
your decadent so-called democracy and bring glory to our
Leninist workers' paradise, for we are: THE RED SQUARES!"
"Somebody fetch me a cracker," Lite muttered, turning away
from the window. "I seem to have found the cheese."
"No," said Mouse. "No, no, absolutely NOT! We are NOT
getting sidetracked from our mission YET AGAIN to deal with
a couple of losers that even Lite could deal with. NO WAY,
NO HOW! We are going to get back to the 1990s... and then,
do all that other stuff."
"You mean find the Lotion of Emotion?" asked Twaeila.
"No no, she means work out how Alice Springs, whoever or
wherever that may be works into it." said DeadHeadMan,
once again possessing the body of Coward Lad.
"No, more likely she means getting to Sig.ago to thwart
whatever it is that Vector plans to do there." said
Lenny the Squirrel.
Mouse groaned. She was doomed! Trapped in the past,
confronted by two badly accented supervillains, and surrounded
by people who were willing to cut any corners, face any evil,
miss _any_ episode of MST3K to get to a one-liner. Doomed.
"Alright," she said, pulling herself together. "First things,
first. How are we going to get home. Anyone?"
"Ask for directions?" suggested Twaeila.
"Usually in situations like this we just have to find
someone in this time with enough knowledge to get us back
to where we came from." said Lite.
"Good! Now," said Mouse. "Who would be around in 1984 to
give us a hand? Someone who knows a lot about time travel.
Someone reasonably competent."
"Doctor Stomper?" said Lenny. "I hear he's pretty hot stuff."
"Thank you Lenny! I hereby revise my opinion of irritatingly
cute furry animal sidekicks."
Mouse chewed her lip as the squirrel glowered at her. "We
seem to be back in Net.ropolis (argh, after all the time we
spent trying to get out of here, oh well), so the Doc
should be here too, right?"
The group thought and tried to remember (and marvelled at
Mouse's newfound ability to speak in brackets). Behind her,
the TV continued to cover its fast-breaking news story.
"And a new development has taken place in front of the Net.
York MTV headquarters, where the two Russian supervillains,
Boris and Natasha have taken a hostage."
"Why," said Lite. "Do I have a suddenly sinking feeling?"
"And the hostage has been identified as a visiting science
teacher - Mr Stomper of Net.ropolis." A man was seen waving
from his position inside a headlock laid on by Boris.
"AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!" screamed Mouse. "So now we have
to go to NET.YORK!!! And dressed like THIS! Oh the shame!"
she fumed. "Someone PLEASE tell me that their new outfits
came complete with cash, cheques or credit cards."
Everyone felt through their pockets. Finally Coward Lad
pulled out a pile of plastic cards.
"Yes!" said Lite. He pointed. "To the airport!"
The group all ran off, save for Mouse, who waited patiently.
Within ten minutes they were all back, looking somewhat
sheepish. Mouse waited till they had all lined up, then
turned and faced the other direction. She pointed, "To the
Everyone took off at a fast run.
Mouse sighed, threw her heavily hairsprayed hair back and
followed them. She didn't even notice as the slip of paper
she'd mysteriously received earlier in the story fluttered
to the ground, displaying at last it's full mysterious
message, until this moment, discounted and misunderstood
"Beware the Nodakommandos!" 
When last we left our villains (some of them anyway):
"It worked!" yelled Father Brown in triumph. "Our
substitution of a few dozen dancing gorillas for Gorilla
Grad worked! The sacrifice has been accepted and the
Cabbage-Wielding Angel of Death is about to come forth!"
"And not above time!" yelled Acolyte. "Taft is almost
through the gates!"
"Really?" asked Father Brown. "So soon?"
"YES! Can't you hear his theme tune?"
Father Brown strained his ears and his eyes widened in
horror as he picked up a 'wocachika'.
"Come forth oh great Wielder!" sung two Vectors, their
white shifts whispering in the air as they trilled. "Come
"Come forth... come forth!!!!" yelled Acolyte. "There
isn't much time!"
A crack appeared in the fabric of space.
A helmeted man stood on the hill, watching the graphs on
his sensors. Suddenly, they spiked sharply. He grabbed his
"Heads up people! Now's the time to strike!"
Father Brown gaped as part of the wall exploded. "What in
The ceremony disrupted, the twin Vectors stumbled to a halt.
"Is it Taft?" asked Acolyte.
"No, it appears to be a military group."
"But everyone should be asleep! Struck down with Legionairres
disease!" Acolyte grabbed at Father Brown as automatic
weapon fire resounded through the Church of the Fourth Walls
up until now secret headquarters.
"Who are they?"
"Nodakommandos! Secure the building!" yelled a woman in red.
"Yessir!" said one man, charging forward and tripping over
his own feet.
The woman sighed and put her head in her hands, "Nice going
Slate. Now get up and act like a soldier!"
"YES SIR!!!!" Slate scrambled up and began to move things
"What's he doing?" demanded the Acolyte.
"He's... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Father Brown lunged forward.
"You're altering the doorway into the dimensions - you're
breaking the fourth wall!"
"Of course!" said the woman in red, jumping forward and
stopping him in his tracks. "We will achieve our goal -
to breach the fourth wall and drag David R. Henry into the
LNH universe - where he will at last WRITE FOR US! MUHAHA
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" howled Father
The zombified body of ex-president William Howard Taft paused
in its singleminded quest to find the major outputter of
energy and destroy it - the Cabbage Wielding Angel of Death!
Around him (it?) members of the Church of the Fourth Wall ran
around in circles as alarms of all sorts went off around
them and bad news flooded the building.
"The Nodakommondos have breached the main sanctum!"
screamed one follower.
"They've taken the armoury!" another cried.
"The ceremony to bring forth the angel has been interrupted
and they are attempting to breach the fourth wall!"
"Vector reports that Authorial, Lad, Narcoleptic Lad and
the lurker have escaped!"
"The Nodakommandos are pumping even MORE power into the
sacred ceremony! The engines canna take it anymore, they're
gonna blow captain!"
"Somebody shoot that man and give me some good news for
crying out loud!" cried a man in a monks robe.
"The Vectorbot is about to engage Writers Block Woman and
her remaining companions! They cannot possibly survive
its mighty attacks! Success is assured!"
"YOU FOOL! What have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???!!!"
When last we left our other heros, Chinese Guy was clinging
to Insomnia Lad and the remainder of a flight.thingee wing,
and talking to Writers Block Woman as they fell:
"Did anybody just feel something odd?" asked Writers Block
"Like what? A disturbance in the force, as though a single
voice had just asked an unbelievably stupid question which
was just begging fate to kick it in the face?" asked Chinese
"No, a kind of whistling sensation." said WBW with an
"Oh that," said Insomnia Lad. "That's just the wind friction
around us as we plunge helplessly to a distant and unforgiving
ground. Which, I note, is getting closer with every moment."
"_That_ was it!" said WBW. "Thanks, it was beginning to bother
"In a minute it's going to be doing a lot more than that!"
said Chinese Guy. "I suppose asking for a rescue is out of
"I can't carry both of you," WBW explained. "One _possibly_,
but I wouldn't like to chance it. It's a pity you're both
reasonably well muscled young men - if you were scrawny wimps
this wouldn't be a problem."
"I'm a bit scrawny!" volunteered Insomnia Lad.
Chinese Guy glumly stared downwards at the fast approaching
"Hmmmm... what would Brian Boitano do?" Writers Block Woman
"May I make a suggestion?" asked Chinese Guy.
"Go for it."
"Do you think you could get under the remains of this wing
and propell it like a hangglider?" he asked.
"Ooooooooh! A plan! It's been a long time since I saw one
of those," said Writers Block Woman. "Gotta be worth a
try!" So saying, she put words to action.
Chinese Guy gritted his teeth as the wing tilted and clung
on for dear life. The WBW-propelled makeshift hang-glider,
hereby christened the hang.thingee began to slow its descent
and gently curve down, down... then up... up!
"YES!" exulted Chinese Guy. "It worked! Argh!" his fingers
slipped and he scrabbled for a better grip. Insomnia Lad
also grabbed out and the two men held the wing tightly.
"Well, that seems to have solved this problem," said WBW.
"Now there's just that Vectorbot to worry about."
"Yeah, where is it anyway?" asked Insomnia Lad. He looked
around. Then he looked over his shoulder.
"Oh," he said calmly. "There it is, directly in front of
us. RIGHT!!! RIGHT! GO RIGHT!!!!!"
"PREPARE TO DIE!" the Vectorbot aimed its Weapon of
Destruction (tm) at them and pulled the trigger. There was
a click as it jammed. Chinese Guy saw their chance.
"Go right dammit!" he yelled.
Writers Block Woman concentrated all her strength and
*pushed* the hang.thingee. It coasted gently to the right
and was about to swing past the Vectorbot, when it was
caught in Vectorbot's hand.
"Guck..." gasped Insomnia Lad, as incredibly strong fingers
began to *squeeze*.
"IT'S ALL OVER!" said Vectorbot.
"Oh no it isn't," grunted Chinese Guy. He held up a short
staff. Bracing one end against Vectorbot's hand he yelled.
"Take a look at this!"
Vectorbot leaned forward and peered at the staff, just as
he triggered the extension. Vectorbot dropped them, but it
was too late. The staff, made of some incredibly hard
substance, slammed through its head and then shattered
into a thousand tiny pieces.
Ever heard of petrified wood shrapnel? No? Well it's not
_quite_ as bad as metal shrapnel.
Not by much.
As Chinese Guy, Insomnia Lad and Writers Block Woman
frantically tried to rebalance themselves on the hang.
thingee, the Vectorbot reeled backwards and fell towards
"Yeeeehaaaa!" yelled Chinese Guy. "Jack himself couldn't
do any better!"
"For goodness sake don't start that all up again!" said
Writers Block Woman.
"I meant Jack the Giant Killer."
"Oh, okay." WBW used her remaining strength to propell
the hang.thingee onto a building roof nearby and the
trio dropped onto it, then turned to observe the unmoving
"Do you think we destroyed it for good?" WBW asked.
"Doubt it," said Chinese Guy. "But we can hope."
"What are we going to do now?" Insomnia Lad asked.
Writers Block Woman turned to look at them, the grim light
of vengeance in her eyes. "We're going to finish what we
started. Though Mouse and the others may have perished in
the cause of justice, we can still fulfil their mission!
We're going to go find this Khe Saraq person, shake them
down, get to Alice Springs and get the Potion of Emotion.
This I swear, on my eternal heroic soul, Mouse and the
others... WILL BE AVENGED!!!!"
When last we left the first, supposedly dead, set of heros:
Mouse, Lite, Twaeila, Coward Lad and Lenny ran through the
streets of Net. York. They had made it there with only a few
bad moments ("What do you mean no animals on the plane?"
"But sir, it's not a REAL squirrel, it's my sisters soft
toy! ISN'T it Mouse..." "... Why, yes, sis. (whispered)
i'll get you for this", "you mean you'll try". :-)
"There it is!" Lite said as they dodged around some police
lines (and even a couple of police people!) to arrive at
the front of the MTV building. "And there they are! Larger
than life and three times as badly dressed. And coming
from our group that's a pretty harsh condemnation."
Boris looked up at the approaching group of eighties
"Let me talk to them," said Mouse. "Who knows, maybe we
can resolve this peacefully? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!"
Lenny still tucked under one arm, she headed for the two
"GO FOR IT MOUSE!" yelled Coward Lad. "Negotiation is the
key to victory!"
Boris started at yell and stared at the approaching pair.
He turned to his partner. "Natasha! Look! Is the enemy
headquarters warned us about - Mouse and Squirrel!"
Natasha arghed. "That was Moose and Squirrel, you
eeediot!" She slapped her compatriot around the head.
"Hi there," said Mouse. "My name is Mouse and I'm really
hoping to come to some sort of peaceable accord here. We
really need Mr Stomper over there for... a science project,
so can we have him back please?"
Natasha stared haughtily down at her. "We do not negotiate
with capitalist spoiled brat little girls!"
"Uh oh," said DeadHeadMan, who was floating beside Lite.
"This does not look good."
Mouse smiled sweetly at Natasha. "But honey, don't you
realise that we're living in a material world?" Her
grin widened. "And I am a material girl. Sic' em Lenny!"
Lenny the mighty attack squirrel lunged forward and sunk
his teeth into Natasha's arm. Mouse the foul-playing
currently-eighties-style-Madonna-lookalike did the same.
"YEAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!" screamed Natasha. "BORIS!"
"ATTACK!" yelled Twaeila, leading the charge.
Well, sort of. Coward Lad stayed firmly where he was,
DeadHeadMan was of no use in a physical encounter and
as for Lite, well....
"Oooh yeah baby, catfight!"
When last we left the final group of heros:
"*gasp* *wheeze* Wait... gotta get breath back." Authorial
panted. "Fate is so cruel! How could it bring my greatest
nightmare to life against me like this?"
"You mean having your body taken over to be used to try
and kill me?" asked Lad.
"No, being chased by hordes of beautiful leather clad
women - and not being able to do a damn thing about it."
"I think it only counts as one woman really," said
Narcoleptic Lad during one of his brief awake moments.
"Since they're all clones."
"Which way?" gasped Lad. "Hurry up, they're gaining."
Invisible-Inaudible-Intangible Lass was also having some
difficulty keeping up with the running men. *But I have
to stay with them,* she thought. *I'm the only one that
can protect them from Vector's mind control powers.*
The group pounded down the streets of Net.ropolis, following
directions from the occasionally conscious Narcoleptic Lad
until they lost the chasing Vectors and wound up at...
"LNH HQ," said Authorial. "At last, safety!"
"At last," agreed Lad. "We can catch our breath."
"No time for that!" a voice rang out. Tsar Chasm pounded
down the steps of the HQ towards them, Gorilla Grad in
hot pursuit. "I've discovered what Vector's ultimate
plot is! And I need _your_ help to thwart it."
"We're ready to help defeat those hot chicks!" said Lad,
puffing himself up.
"But mercifully defeat," said Authorial.
"Not you two," said Tsar Chasm, turning to look directly
at Invisible-Inaudible-Intangible Lass. "You!"
"We have to get to Sig.ago before Vector does." Tsar Chasm
continued. "The Church of the Fourth Wall made a grave error
when they created her, and we are the only ones who can
rectify their mistakes."
"I don't understand," said Narcoleptic Lad, who had woken
"They wanted her to slow down the LNH to prevent them
breaking the fourth wall," explained Gorilla Grad. "And so
she put them to sleep using her Legionairres disease, but
by putting most of them out of action, they have weakened
the First, Second and Third walls! If we don't get them
strengthened unimaginable horror could happen!"
"Like what?" asked Lad.
"We could all be sucked into... real life." said Gorilla
The group blanched. "You mean... be... _normal_?" said
"The horror," said Narcoleptic Lad.
Tsar Chasm nodded grimly. "Doctor Stomper predicted
something like this might happen if his fracturing
teleportation technology was utilised, but the fools didn't
"What do we have to do?" asked Authorial.
"We have to stop Vector! And then we have to stop the Church,
before they doom us all." said Tsar Chasm grimly. "Follow me,
I'll explain more while we prep a flight.thingee for
to be continued...
WILL TWAEILA, LENNY AND MOUSE BE ABLE TO DEFEAT BORIS AND
NATASHA, SAVE MR STOMPER AND GET HOME IN TIME TO HELP THE
WILL THE NODAKOMMANDOS TRIUMPH OVER THE CHURCH OF THE
OR WILL SOMETHING ELSE HAPPEN TO THEM?
WHO, WHAT OR WHERE _IS_ ALICE SPRINGS?
WILL TSAR CHASM AND THE OTHERS BE SUCCESSFUL IN SLOWING
 Mouse received the Nodakommandos note back aways from
Tsar Chasm, who accidentally sent it to her, and not the
Church of the Fourth Wall.
 People writing up the next part, David R. Henry and
friends of Dave please note that Father Brown is not angry
at the thought of bringing him through, it's that whole
"breaking the fourth wall" thing. It tends to make the
Church of the Fourth Wall unhappy. You'd think they'd
be used to it by now.
From: "saxon brenton" <saxon at ozemail.com.au>
Subject: [LNH] Birth Of A Villain #24
Date: 18 Aug 1999 00:57:17 -0000
Blue Light Productions presents:
Birth Of A Villain #24
A chaotic add-on cascade-type Legion of Net.Heroes title
"More Stuff Happens"
Written by Saxon Brenton
Fourth Wall Lass left the hospital where Retcon Lad and the young
man called Zacharias Durandal had been taken to after the fight with the
mutant angst-eating net.villain called Dinnerplate [in _Limp-Asparagus
Lad_ #42 - Footnote Girl]. It had been a long day. She wanted to get home
Her dorm at Dave Thomas Deluxe University was closer than the flat
where Limp-Asparagus Lad and Retcon Lad lived, so she headed that way.
Along the way she trudged past the site where the Legion of Net.Heroes
Headquarters would be, if it hadn't been stolen by the notorious
international thief Carmen SanFrancisco [in _Writers Block Woman (and
Mouse)_ #33-35 - Footnote Girl].
It was therefore to Fourth Wall Lass's considerable surprise that
the LNHQ was, in fact, back where it should be.
She looked at it. It refused to waver and evaporate away like some
errant mirage. She walked up and ran her fingers across the stonework of
the wall next to the front doors. It was hard and cold to the touch. She
craned her head back to stare at the front facade of the building which
only this morning hadn't been here and now only just slightly more than
ten hours later was back, and said, "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised."
These sort of things happened in the Legion of Net.Heroes.
Fourth Wall Lass pushed her way in through the front doors, intending
to report to Ultimate Ninja or whoever the current shift manager was, and
then perhaps crash in one of the spare rooms. This plan was put to pause
when she noticed the inordinate number of net.heroes who were lying
around on the floor of the foyer. There was even a kiwi lying on top of
a surfboard which was floating in the foyer's fountain.
An adrenalin rush perked the young woman up as she had a sudden
horrible flashback to _Legion of Occult Heroes_ #5, and she jumped forward
to check for pulses. They were alive, which caused her to heave a sigh of
relief, and only then did she realise that her hands had gone clammy with
Wiping her hands on her uniform, she headed for the computer rooms
to check the logs for what had happened. And if that didn't tell her
anything, then she just take a peek across the Threshold and see what had
happened so far with the plot.
Meanwhile, at the besieged headquarters of the maniacal cult know as
the Church of the Fourth Wall, Father Brown was horrified to learn that
another militant cult was planning on using the hard wrought scheming of
his Church to further their own ends:
"He's... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Father Brown lunged forward.
"You're altering the doorway into the dimensions - you're breaking the
"Of course!" said the woman in red, jumping forward and stopping him
in his tracks. "We will achieve our goal - to breach the fourth wall and
drag David R. Henry into the LNH universe - where he will at last WRITE
FOR US! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" howled Father Brown.
The woman sneered at him in disgust. "Get rid of him," she ordered.
Nodakommandos moved forward, guns at the ready.
Father Brown was beginning to get angry. "Get rid of them!" he
shouted in return. Whereupon a group of pot-bellied aliens dressed in
purple with huge staring eyes and spade beards popped up and began
shapeshifting into the forms of the nodakommados. As each alien changed
its shape to match a nodakommando, the nodakommando that had been thus
duplicated vanished, cast into Comic Book Limbo.
The Acolyte stared about him as the scene in the dishevelled but for
the moment under control central sanctum of the Church. "Was it wise to
unleash the Space Dvandoms?" he asked.
"I had no choice," Father Brown replied. He exhaled. "If only their
abilities could be used against Taft..."
"The zombie corpse of ex-president Taft doesn't count as a person
anymore," Acolyte reminded him. "They'd have no more effect on him than
Vector's Legionnaire's Disease does."
"Yes, yes," agreed Brown. "I'm not complaining about the resources
that you've been able to share with us. In the meantime, see what you can
do about fixing the settings on the dimensional aperture."
The Acolyte nodded and turned to the console, suppressing a smile.
The arrival of the nodakommandos had almost been a catastrophic setback,
but it had been handled - for the moment - and had even turned out to be
mildly beneficial in its own way. Each time Father Brown was forced to
use dimension breaching methods that the Acolyte and his group had
provided, it was a small victory for the Acolyte's plans to subvert the
Father Brown had turned to the Space Dvandoms. "While you're using
those shapes, secure this area, then expand your operations to retake the
rest of the building. Restrain the remaining nodakommandos you find, and
engage the zombie of W.H. Taft."
The Space Dvandoms saluted and moved off. Father Brown turned back
Acolyte, who was working at the controls by which the Church of the
Fourth Wall had planned to call forth the Cabbage-Wielding Angel of Death.
Alarms were still blaring. "Has Taft fully breached the building yet?" he
"Yes. He's inside the north gate, in section C3. Our forces are
moving to intercept. Then Acolyte's eyes widened. "Oh my... It's her!
"What are you talking about?"
"It's the GREAT SATAN! She's back! Our sensors weren't able to detect
her before. We were presuming that she was off-dimension, or something.
But she's back! Fourth Wall Lass is at the LNHQ."
On top of everything else that had happened today, this was getting
a bit too much for Father Brown. His face twisted in a paroxysm of both
loathing and exultation. His eyes bugged out. A fleck of foam appeared at
the corner of his mouth. Both hands came up in to his chest in clenched
fists as overwhelming emotions conflicted within him. With immense self-
control he managed to avoid dropping to the floor and chewing on the
carpet, and instead stage-whispered, "She must be destroyed."
"I'll re-assign some of the Vector's away from the defence of the
building and into an attack squad immediately."
Back at the LNHQ, Fourth Wall Lass was reading up on past events.
Contrary to her initial assumption it seemed that the LNHQ had not been
returned within ten hours. Although she had only experienced the first day
of it, the LNHQ had been in the possession of Carmen SanFrancisco for the
better part of a week. And that had been a while ago. And now that FWLAss
had returned she found that not only had she skipped over a large chunk
of continuity, but that she had also been dumped in the middle of a
completely different storyline altogether.
As ever, time in comic book universes was proving to be completely
screwy. The worst part was that in the Looniverse they knew about the
phenomenon and had to take it into account when they were trying to fill
out their tax forms.
(Have you any idea how hard it is to explain to the Tax Department
that you're claiming exemption from tax for a whole year because you were
in Limbo for the whole time and technically didn't exist to get paid?)
Worse still, she had been dumped in the middle of a chaotic add-on
cascade-type story. The last time she'd been in one of those had been
_Saviours of the Net_ #7, and the experience had... not been pleasant.
It wasn't something that she ever wanted to have to go through again if
she could at all help it.
"Rat bastard Writer." It was the only comment that came to mind that
adequately described it all.
She turned her thoughts back to the current storyline. The security
cameras had caught some of Vector's attack on the LNHQ, and the subsequent
plans of Mouse et al when they had first met up with Insomnia Lad, and
later of Gorilla Grad and Tsar Chasm (of all people!) as they had gone
through the computers looking for potential weaknesses of Vector. All of
this, however, had been only given a piecemeal overview of what was going
on - and typically for the LNH, nobody had bothered to give even the
briefest of updates to the logs.
So Fourth Wall Lass had simply broke the fourth wall and started
reading the story from scratch. Good thing she could speed read.
She got as far as the end of issue number 9 and the first mention of
involvement of the Church of the Fourth Wall. At their name, she started
in alarm, and hissed, "Those idiots!?"
"Watch who you're calling names, honey," said a voice from behind
her, accompanied by the hum of blasters warming up. This gave FWLass the
half instant she needed to leap out of the way as the weapons of some
more Vector clones did serious property damage to the computer labs.
.oO( Oh boy, wReamhack and Renegade Programmer are going to be sooo
ticked off, ) observed a part of Fourth Wall Lass's mind that wasn't
currently preoccupied with dodging blaster fire. .oO( Time to leave, I
She tried to open a small hole in the Threshold of the fourth wall,
and found she couldn't. "Aw, crap! Not AGAIN!"
One of the Vectors smirked. "Sounds like our little fishie's just
found out we're not going to let her get away."
"Ohhhh, my heart just bleeds for her," oozed the other Vector.
"Just what I need," grumped FWLass, "Being patronised while murdered
by a pair of leather clad bimbos who're physically incapable of falling
flat on their faces." She looked around for an escape route. One of the
ventilation ducts used by the kiwis for their paramilitary training would
do fine. Then:
"Would you happen to be Vector?" asked a new voice.
One Vector turned, and found a small figure standing behind them. It
was small and green, but nevertheless it was not a kiwi bird. At just over
a meter high it would have come up to about Fourth Wall Lass' stomach;
the Vectors towered over it. It was humanoid, covered in lime green fur,
and was wearing one of those 'Cat in the Hat' type floppy red-and-white
striped top hats. It grinned at them with unblinking eyes and a completely
insane smile on it face.
"Yes. What of it?" retorted the Vector, and blasted the figure.
The figure blinked. It was now a black-and-crinkly silhouette of
itself, but still standing upright. The figure calmly wet its fingers,
took off its hat, and snuffed out the small fire which was burning on the
crown of its head.
Then it reached into its hat, pulled out one of those rubber banding
devices used to castrate cattle, and with one fluid movement docked the
Vector's head off.
The other Vector began shooting the figure, but this didn't seem to
make much difference to its already charred state.
"That's not nice," observed the figure. "Do you know what happens to
ladies who aren't nice?"
"DIE you little green freak!" screamed the Vector, backing towards
"They get eaten by... TARANTULAS!" exclaimed the figure, pulling from
its hat a tarantula. It was a BIG tarantula. About a meter high, and that
was just the body. Add in the legs and it stood as tall as the ceiling. Oh
yeah, and it was hungry, which is why it leapt upon the Vector and ate
Cut to a shot of Fourth Wall Lass, who's going, "Eeeew." SFX: Screams,
the clattering of mandibles, and satisfied munching-type noises.
And then there was silence. Unconcerned, figure reached into its hat
again, took out a hair drier, and used it to blow off all of the char
that it was covered with. In seconds it was as though the Vectors had
never even shot at it at all. It looked around, and spied Fourth Wall
Lass. "Hullo," it said.
"Um, high there."
The figure raised a finger to its lips. "Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm
hunting Vectors." Then it handed her a business card. It read:
Green Eggs Hates Spham
Member of good standing of the Order of St. Doomas
Sphammers exterminated while you wait
Fourth Wall Lass looked at the card, then at the figure. .oO( It
figures, ) she had to admit to herself. ( If there's villainy about that
involves clogging up the internet, how could the Order *not* turn up in
Then an errant thought scampered across her mind. This story already
contained members of the Legion of Net.Heroes, a Net.Trenchcoat Brigader
in the form of DeadHeadMan, and now one of the Order of St. Doomas (not
to mention coming *this close* to a Superguy appearance). She wondered:
could this possibly be a herald of 'Cry Apathy' crossover that was
supposed to have died an apathetic death several years back? She shook
her head. No, that level of organisation was implausible in a chaotic
add-on cascade-type story.
She turned her attention back to the religious psychotic... or was it
psychopathic? Darn, she could never remember which word described the
people who enjoyed hurting others and which word was for the people who
just didn't care. Anyway...
"Well Green Eggs, thank you very much for the save. I'm Fourth Wall
Lass of the Legion of Net.Heroes. If you're hunting Vector, I suppose we
should run a security scan of the building to see if there are anymore
"And if there aren't any here?"
She shrugged. "There are supposed to be Vectors running around all
over the place, but the best choice would probably be the Church of the
Fourth Wall, who she's apparently working for," FWLAss said, leading Green
Eggs to an undamaged computer terminal and initiating a security sweep.
"Nothing in here. Give me a moment to skim through the story... Ah, right.
Twaelia did an external scan in issue 12 and came up with Rec.mon.d in
Washing.net as Vector's point of origin. That's probably one place you'd
want to go... Green Eggs?" She glanced around, but Green Eggs had gone.
Remember how the Church of the Fourth Wall hadn't quite got the hang
of the technology that they had stolen from the LNHQ? Guess what, it
doesn't just apply to the tech from the LNHQ. Would it really surprise you
if some of their other work also turned out to have some flaws in it?
In the skies above Net.ropolis, a squad of three Vectors with jet
packs was making their patrol. Suddenly, one of them went, "Aaierghh!"
and wobbled in her flight.
One of her compatriots began scanning for enemies who could have
attacked, while the other one radioed, "Raptor Green-2, what is your
The head of the squad indicted that they make their way to a secure
position on the ground. Upon landing Raptors Green-1 and -3 turned to
their team mate.
She already had her helmet off to get more air, and her eyes were all
funny. "Yes... I understand now... The power... The power is MINE! She
a maniacal grin at the other two, and wiped their minds. They collapsed
to the ground, braindead.
"I am no longer Melissa, self-replicating virus and space waster. I
am Explorer Z, non-self-replicating worm and DATA ERASER!"
"So then," asked Chinese Guy, "Now all we have to do is find Khe
"I can be of help there," said Fourth Wall Lass, opening a portal in
the Threshold and stepping through from the other side. She had a small
pile of computer printouts with her. "Hello everybody."
"Well, that's impressive timing," observed Insomnia Lad.
Fourth Wall Lass grinned mischievously and winked at him. "Yeah.
Anyway, I've just got back in continuity..."
"And boy are your arms tired," quipped Chinese Guy.
She rolled her eyes. "That too. Now, look..."
"DIE squishies!" boomed the Vectorbot, which in the meantime had
gotten up and was advancing on the four of them.
"Shut the F*CK UP!!!" screamed Fourth Wall Lass, and opened another
hole in the Threshold, this one flat on the ground beneath the Vectorbot's
feet. The Vectorbot fell in, and then was promptly sheared in half as
FWLass closed the portal.
"AAAARGH!" screamed the giant mecha.
"HA! Not so tough when you can't block a girl from using her powers,
are ya!? Huh!? LOSER!" FWLass continued to yell. And then to add insult to
injury, she opened up another hole in the fourth wall above the Vectorbot
and let the severed bottom half fall down onto the top half. There was a
very satisfying 'CLOOONG' sound effect as the two pieces collided. The
Vectorbot lay still.
Writers Block Woman watched with concern as Fourth Wall Lass
hyperventilated over the by now rather badly damaged remains of the
Vectorbot. "Dear, I think you may be a little stressed. Just take deep
breaths... Oh, you already are.
Fourth Wall Lass forced herself to calm down, and said, "Sorry, it's
been a long day. Okay then, I have news. First up, the most important
thing that you'll want to know is that Mouse, Twaelia, Lenny and the
others aren't dead. The Vectors are using technology that they stole from
Dr. Stomper and that they foolishly haven't bothered to totally master
yet. The others were just sent back in time to 1984. As soon as they
rescue the Dr. Stomper of that time period, they're going to try and get
his help in returning home."
"Oh, that's *wonderful* news," gushed WBW.
Fourth Wall Lass nodded, then continued. "The Vectors are acting as
troops of the Church of the Fourth Wall, who plan to re-establish the
fourth wall and seal off the Looniverse from the Writers. That's
supposedly what the Legionnaires Disease is all about: keeping the
net.heroes unconscious so that they can't interfere. I have no idea why
some of us are unaffected by it."
"It might be a plot device or some sort, or there might be a
plausible reason for it," Insomnia Lad speculated. "But cutting the
Looniverse off from the Writers - that'd be like 'Looniverse Adrift' all
over again," he said, aghast.
Again Fourth Wall Lass nodded. "Tsar Chasm has already figured out
some of the dangers of what the Church is doing, and has gathered up the
other active net.heroes he could find and taken the to Sig.ago to try and
stop the Church there. I suggest that we go after Khe Sheraq, then catch
up with the others once the Lotion of Emotion is recovered. I brought
some Net.erpol reports on Sheraq's last known location."
Chinese Guy looked confused. "If Tsar Chasm has such a firm handle
on what's going on, why do we need to go after the Lotion anyway? It was
a pretty desperate attempt to find a clue, as I recall."
"Because this is a chaotic add-on cascade story, and we have no idea
what will become significant, and what won't," pointed Insomnia Lad.
"That's right," agreed FWLass "Most of what I've just told you has
been stated as fact somewhere in the story. But any or all of it could be
amended or retconned away as the Writers add to the story. We have to be
careful; those Writers can be devious and downright demented.
"Anyway, that's the most salient of the 'firm' facts that I've got.
There's one other thing that I'm worried about. The head of the Church of
the Fourth Wall is a guy called Father Brown. He's being assisted by a guy
calling himself Acolyte, but he's not a member of the Church of the Fourth
Wall. In fact, they've been talking about the alliance between the two of
them. They've also been talking about closing off the fourth wall to
everybody except the 'One True Author', which pretty much goes against
everything I know about the Church of the Fourth Wall."
"You know a lot about them, then?" asked Writers Block Woman.
"I try to. Ultimately my origin and theirs stem from the same place.
You see, thousands of years ago alien comic book writers came to the
Looniearth and taught some of the ancient human cultures how to sneak
across the fourth wall. Those aliens set up organisations in each culture
they had contact with to teach loonihumanity about fourth wall techniques,
and after the aliens left many of those groups eventually died out or
degenerated into religious cults of the 'mystery religion' type. Later
still, there was a schism in one group, and one faction tried to wrest
control of the power base. They failed, and during the time that it took
them to regather their strength, their dogma underwent a radical shift to
hate and fear breaking the fourth wall. *That's* basically where the
Church of the Fourth Wall started.
"When they felt strong enough, they started trying to destroy the
other groups. Sometimes they succeeded, and sometimes it didn't, but the
shadow warfare pruned back the number of groups as they were either
destroyed or banded together against their common enemy. Then, a couple of
years ago I was visiting Machu Picchu at the time that the Church made an
assault on one of the other priesthoods. The fight spilt over to catch up
the tourists in the area, and in the confusion I received my powers more
or less by accident. That's the quick and short explanation, anyway."
"How von Daniken-eqsue," commented Writers Block Woman.
Fourth Wall Lass grinned. "I remember thinking much the same thing
at the time. Anyway, unless there's been another schism or shift in dogma,
the Church's current behaviour is suspicious. I think that may be because
they're compromising their beliefs to work with their allies. And there
are certain clues that point to who those allies are."
"Well, don't just keep us in suspense," demanded Chinese Guy.
"I think its the Church of Dvandom," she said. "Their plan centres
around sealing off all other Writers except their 'One True Author'; and
they've been making efforts to keep us away from Sig.ago and keeping
Dvandom Force from becoming involved. When the nodakommandos tried to
take over their base and summon David R. Henry into the Looniverse to
Write for them, there was a squad of Space Dvandoms on hand to use against
the nodakommandos. Finally, their leader Acolyte says he's fought the
Legion before and also boasted that chaos and entropy are his element."
"Hold up," said Insomnia Lad, who had been assembling all those
clues into one piece. "Wouldn't that mean..."
"Yeah. I think that the Church of the Fourth Wall is working with
the Acolyte of Dvandom... wReamicus Maximus."
HAS FATHER BROWN MADE AN ALLIANCE WTH wREAMICUS MAXIMUS?
WILL THE NET.HEROES FINALLY BE ABLE TO FIND KHE SHERAQ?
WILL THE CHURCH OF THE FOURTH WALL BE ABLE GO FORWARD WITH
THEIR PLANS WHILE THERE ARE STILL NODAKOMMANDOS IN THEIR
BASE, NOT TO MENTION EX-PRESIDENT W.H. TAFT?
WHAT HIDEOUS PERMUTATONS WILL THE MUTATING MELISSAS TURN INTO?
WHERE DID GREEN EGGS GET OFF TO?
The answer to these and other questions may or may not be
forthcoming in future episodes of: BIRTH OF A VILLAIN!
Saxon Brenton Uni of Technology city library, Sydney, Australia
saxon.brenton at uts.edu.au
This classic .sig from Lance Smith may be pertinent:
Did alien comic book writers really visit ancient cultures and teach them
how to sneak over the fourth wall? (see Captain Mayan #fish-eagle-dot-dot)
Next Week: It's Birth of a Villain Time!!! (Part Nine)!!!!
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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