LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #42: The Crimes of the Brotherhood Part Five

Drew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Sat Jan 27 23:44:59 PST 2018

On 12/31/2017 3:55 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> Firstly, we have Jessica "Jaelle" Ihimaera-Smiler with the number 18 of her
> Writer's Block Woman series.  Can Writer's Block Woman scrape pancake mix off
> her nose and how long can Browsing Boy play cards?

Yaaaaaaay Jaelle!

> Hiatus and Rumour Monger wandered along the street. They'd decided to get out
> of their stuffy office cubicles and get some fresh air, and also some
> beneficial exercise which could only but aid their limbic system and
> enhance their calms to ensure that they would be in tip top condition with
> adrenalin pumping and therefore come up with a brilliant plan to make lots
> of money and incidentally stop Mr Homage from cutting out their spleens
> with a spoon. There's nothing like providing some positive encouragement to
> your employees to give them incentive. :-)

Heeheehee. :>

> [Authorial Note: And I should know, Jeff was pretty explicit in his incentive
> to get me to hurry up with this issue. Let's just say he still hasn't gotten
> over his fixation with ropes.

Oh *my*

> "Relax, I hear that none of the others are doing so hot either." said Rumour
> Monger.

It turns out that there's a reason you all teamed up??

> "Yeah, Mom gave me some shares in this company Satellite 5 but it's not doing
> so good." Hiatus sighed and threw the paper into a bin, then realised what
> he'd done, fished it out and scattered it all over the road.


> Writers Block Woman scraped the last of the pancake mixture off her nose
> and deposited it in the rubbish bin. "There! I feel so much better now!"
> "Owowowowowowowowowowowow." replied Mouse


> They were, in fact, both recovering from their
> attempts to cook breakfast for the LNH [As written in LNHCP #29. Well, no
> it's not actually, since I haven't written it yet, and this may even precede
> it, but it helps me keep my chronology straight. -J].


> Like this toast pulling business, it had also not been very successful.
> Did you really expect it to be?

This is an extremely cute authorial voice.

> "Oh no I'm not! Overreacting implies that it wasn't as bad as I think it was
> when I know darn well it was."
> "Blonde was in!"
> "Blonde was not in!"
> "Yes it was!"
> "No it wasn't! And green certainly wasn't in!"


> In the tv room, Browsing Boy was playing a game of cards.
> ***
> "What the hell was that?" asked Writers Block Woman.
> "I think it was a not-so-subtle hint." said Mouse,


> "I'm going to detach this
> toast."
> "Fine. You do that then."
> "Good, I will."
> "Great."
> "Wonderful."
> "Perfect."
> "Excellent."

I enjoy this parent-child relationship. It's a lot healthier than the one I had 
with my mom! Ahahaha... ha... x-x

> "As soon as we've gotten tidyed up, why don't we go out and get something to
> eat?"
> "A very good idea," said WBW, who was very obviously reading this off the
> autocue, "Then we can check up on the news."


> "Happy?" Mouse asked the narrator.
> I don't know, that card game's starting to look reeeeeeal promising.


> "Look, there must be other characters around, go bother them for a while.
> Because I am not doing any crossover looking like this!" Mouse stormed off.

Such good metafiction.

> She scratched her nose. Suddenly she pointed, "Hey look! It's Oscar Wilde!"
> The narrator turned to look where she was pointing, but there was nothing
> there. Turning back the door to the bathroom closed as WBW made a fast
> getaway. The narrator cursed and looked around for somebody to narrate. Aha!

*insane giggling*

> "Uhhuh, maybe we should try something else."
> "Of course! We could go back to HQ and explain to Mister Homage that we've
> been busy all week coming up with a plan but we didn't think it would work
> and so we came home empty-handed." said RM.


> "Gentlemen," he greeted the lying, scum-sucking corporate ratbags, "I...
> gee, is this narrator biased or what?"

I mean. I can't argue.

> Rumour Monger gestured at him to get on with it as he read files over the
> shoulder of William Elliot, the leader of the pack (brrrrrrm, brrrrrrm).


> "Simple. We're going to lie, steal, and cheat." said Hiatus confidently.
> There were no outcries of shock or horror.
> "Am I missing something here?" Hiatus asked.
> "We're a corporation," pointed out the original speaker, "We've already done
> that.


> Writers Block Woman was listening to her walkman and dancing around the
> living room, "Dancing queen, feel the beat of the tambourine... oh yeah..."


> I'm sorry, we're not presenting that scene because I haven't sunk so low as
> to admit my characters like ABBA. Or that I do. D'oh!

Abba is perfect for her <3

> shrieked Rumour Monger.

...it's things like this that show the writer is a teenager. X3

> "Would you tone it down on the capitals please? You're acting like you're in
> a Rossi comic."


> "There's only one thing we
> can do now, and I am going to hate you for it, and this may indeed lead to
> me double-crossing you a bit earlier than I'd planned."


> "Have you been hanging around X-Intruder?"

*Nice* reference.

> "Grrrrr... we're going to have to go to that den of iniquity, where even
> villains fear to tread."
> "You don't mean..." *DRAMATIC PAUSE*
> "Yes... the stockmarket!"
> Hiatus fell to his knees, "No! Please, don't make me go!"

I enjoy the tenor of this issue!

> WBW looked at the photo. It was just a brief shot of the stockmarket going
> about it's business.
> "Nope." she said, shaking her head.
> "Aw c'mon. Check out the guy in the green business suit and the fading
> square insignia.

I'm just going to assume there are supervillains on the Net.ropolitan stock 
market every week, because that makes too much sense.

> Don't you recognise him from the LNH villain records?" asked
> Mouse, "The ones you were supposed to study."
> WBW looked a bit guilty.
> "You _did_ study them didn't you?" asked Mouse suspiciously.
> "It was a busy week..." said Writers Block Woman defensively.


> "Damn," he thought, "The LNH is on to me! I must do something
> quickly."
> He pointed towards the two and yelled out, "The LNH will never
> get me! I don't know how you found me, but I will prevail."
> Nit-Pick Lad glared back at him, "Found you? We weren't looking
> for anybody. Who might you be?"


> He looked at the Net.Villain carefully. He was definitely not
> from Lafay.net, that was for sure. He was wearing a large white
> spandex costume with the big letters PP on it in blue. It also
> had the words "A Brotherhood of Net.Villains company" below the
> large logo. It looked like a spanking new uniform.

Oh lovely!

> "Aha!" exclaimed Nit-Pick Lad, "A Net.Villain! I smelled trouble
> when I saw the thousands of Yungblud fans fleeing in terror."
> "Oh that," answered Polybag Person, "I just packed LeField in
> to a large mylar bag. He's worth millions!


> Nit-Pick Lad gasped, "Even if I do not agree with the way of the
> LeFields, I cannot allow you to harm an innocent human being. As
> an LNH member, I cannot watch this passively."
> Spite Grrrl walked up to Nit-Pick Lad and tapped him on the
> shoulder. She whispered in his ear, "I got us a room. Number
> 238."


> _He's got LeField in a bag,_ mentioned Trux, who just now thought
> he would inform Spite Grrrl.
> "Trux! Why didn't you tell me," she yelled.
> _No big loss to me. I mean, the guy can't even put a background
> in his panels,_ he replied.
> "Yeah, but where else am I gonna get my huge-ass guns? He's the
> only one the can make those unrealistic bastards."


> _Nah, I can let anybody hear me. I just never had a reason to._
> "What's the reason now?" asked Spite Grrrl, a little disappointed.
> _You were getting boring,_ Trux continued, _I needed to vent._
> Spite Grrrl gasped as though she had been betrayed.

That's great.

> "HELLO????"
> "HELLO????"
> "Anybody there?"

Mistew Obama?

> Polybag Person sighed and picked up the bag with LeField in it,
> and headed for the elevator. He looked back one more time, and
> they were still arguing. He sighed again and walked in to the
> elevator.


> "What?" questioned Nit-Pick Lad, "That sucked! My mom could do
> better than that. Besides, weren't you just arguing with him a
> second ago?"
> "Um well. That is... Yeah, but weren't you bitchin' about the
> Polybag guy getting away?"
> Suddenly, the three stopped arguing.


> _Oh darn. Our endless bickering almost did it again,_ added Trux.
> "What do you mean *our* endless bickering?" retorted Spite Grrrl.

Bwahaha. XD

> "Oh shut up, LeField," yelled PP, "You are the cause of the most
> dreaded and oversold comic in the world. I bought 2000 copies of
> Yungblud #1, thinking it would some day be a collectors item. But
> no! All of your stupid fan boys had to buy 10 copies each! Well,
> tonight, your tyranny ends."

Honestly, it's not really his fault. He just happened to be the Top Hot Artist 
when the speculator bubble started inflating.

> "Now, Mr. LeField," said PP, "You will become my bait. I am getting
> out of this place, and those two fools downstairs will be busy
> saving your miserable life. Goodbye."
> He hung the giant polybag to the hook, and flung it out the window.
> He made sure to see to it that LeField would be hard to get to.

This is honestly a good plan???

> PP
> then poured his long boxes in to a large cart he found in the motel
> laundry room.
> "I hope this doesn't harm or bend you, my little bundles of
> infinite cash flow."

PP, you *do* realize that *all* these Hot Comics had speculators who bought a 
bunch of copies, right?

> "Okay. Okay. I will admit Amanda is cooler than Allison."
> _No, Sydney rules!_
> Nit-Pick Lad sighed as he sat atop the luggage, "Will you two
> quit contemplating _META.rose Place_ for one second!

Wow, I haven't heard a Melrose Place reference in *well* over a decade.

> "Yeah, unless he is a total fool, or something."
> "Aha! I beat you at your own game!"
> "What do you mean?"
> Spite Grrrl pointed over Nit-Pick Lad's shoulder, gesturing
> towards the elevator where Polybag Person was now standing,
> "Enter: One fool. Ready to catch."


> Polybag Person laughed, "Like that? It's another one of my new
> toys. I had a talk with some of my fellow brothers. I'm the
> grittier grimmer all new and improved Polybag Person (TM)!"

I mean, he *does* move on to Teenfactor after this.

> PP smirked, "By this time, his lungs were *aching* for air!


> Then, suddenly Spite Grrrl had an idea. It was a very good idea.
> It was so good, that even the writer of this book could not think
> of it. In fact, the writer was almost overjoyed that Spite Grrrl
> actually thought of it first, so he could use this wonderful segue
> to lead to...
>          -*-

...okay, I'll allow it, *this* time. But only because it's basically the same 
resolution as Beige Midnight, and I *loved* that.

> "Why, Spite Grrrl," said LeField, shaking her hand, "How can I
> ever thank for you for that incredibly ingenious way of saving
> me from that untimely fate?"
> Spite Grrrl handed LeField a list that was scrawled on the hotel
> stationary:
>          1) Yungblud. Please stop! Now!
>          2) Backgrounds. Please draw! Now!
>          3) Proportion. Please do! Now!
>                                  Thanks for letting me save you,
>                                  Spite Grrrl.

Adorable. (Not gonna mention feet?)

> "Oh, I think not. You see, this is Spite Grrrl's book. You know
> the author wouldn't let the bad guy get away with the loot, would
> he? No. You see, I bet Polybag Person's van hits a pothole and he
> loses all his comics or something. Or maybe he ruined all his
> comics by pouring them haphazardly into that cart. Yes, I do not
> foresee a happy ending to Polybag Person's reign of terror on the
> town of Lafay.net. If there is one thing that Nit-Pick Lad can
> assuredly pick at correctly is the fact that the author never lets
> a plot as big a Polybag Person getting away to go unresolved."
>          -*-
> Polybag Person laughed as he sped away in his service van full of
> mint condition comics, assured his voyage back to Net.tropolis
> would be a safe one. After all, he did agree to give the author
> 35% of the profits.

...that's great. XD I'm honestly tickled pink by this ending - I love it.

Drew "sometimes metafiction is good" Perron

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