LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #38: The Crimes of the Brotherhood (not going to type up that whole title) Part One

[Drew Perron]

On 12/3/2017 2:46 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> Okay, let's see if I have now completely freed myself from the bonds
> of Super Apathy Lad to start this thing again.

God, this is exactly what I need to keep up my LNH-y feelings. <3

> 	Mr. Homage stood at a podium before the assembled Brotherhood of
> Net.Villains, his armor imposing as ever.  "I see you all know better
> than to be late...excepting Revamp Lass.  Haitus?!"
> 	The open-faced villain turned beet red.  "I, that is, she..."
> 	"Never mind.  I'll deal with her later.

I believe this is after she became Hell Catalyst, right around when that story 
was being told.

> As you know, profits have
> been slipping lately.  In an effort to turn things around, a high-priced
> consultant [actually Netlurker -- seen LNH Triple Play #6, Ed.] has
> reccommended some modernizations of our business practices.

You know, I have a lot of scattered thoughts about the concept of "profit" and 
how it is genuinely supervillainous. @-@ They're not coming together at the 
moment, but I'm sure there will be more opportunities to inject them.

(I mean. I doubt anyone's surprised. I did write Corporation-Smasher.)

> "You're going to learn some fantastic, fantastic things
> about your personal power today, and how to channel that power to remake
> your lives and your company literally overnight!

Also, it's amazing how genuine positivity and self-care can be twisted to the 
cause of Business.
> First off some ground rules.  This is a give and take seminar, for it to
> work you must speak your mind openly.  You see the white boards hung
> around the walls.  Anytime someone says something he or she will write
> it on the board.  Everything we say is valuable and we want to trap them
> all.  At the end of the class, we'll go around the white boards and
> insure all points have been discussed.  You also should know that Mr.
> Homage is not here -- this is just between us employees and everything
> that gets said stays here.
> 	"You see around you representations of your new offices -- you
> will all get 10x10 cubicles in the HQ -- everyone from Mr. Homage on
> down."  (Somewhere in the Brotherhood's Lair a roared "WHAT?!?!"
> echoed.)  "No doors, no windows, no big desks, everyone uniform and
> equal.  Ideas flow best between peers and after today, this is a company
> of peers.

Like, it really is fascinating that the people who run these companies can see 
the idea of "open communication and honestly make people more able" and respond 
"Okay, but we can do that and still keep our inequality of personal power, right?"

> The villains began adjusting levers and knobs
> slowly configuring their workspace.  "If anyone needs any help..."
> 	A hand shot up among a one-man tangle of oversized thighs, bulging
> pectorals and rock hard calves.
> 	"Sorry about that Robgoblin, we may have to get yours
> customized..."

Heeheehee

> 	"I mean, I'm not saying the place is old, but the roaches are
> drawing social security."
> 	"Very funny, yes, how about..."
> 	"And lets look at upgrading the cafeteria too.  I mean I'm not
> saying the food is bad but I saw a dog cleaning himself to get the
> chicken salad taste out of his mouth...am I going too fast for
> you?...How many out-of-towners here tonight?"

Snerk X3

> 	"Angst.  Definitely more angst.  (Was my answer good enough?  Will
> they think less of me?  OH MY GOD -- I'm using a YELLOW MARKER!)"

You know, this is less angst and more anxiety, but also, relatable.

> Color-Error Man?"
> 	C-E Man looked sickly at the video cameras in the room's corners
> he'd just noticed.  "Uh, I think Mr. Homage needs a larger salary."  The
> other Net.Villains followed his gaze.

Double snerk. X3 <3

> 	"As you can see, the 'Compass of Quality' is an ever-present
> reminder of Perfect Crimes' four 'P's -- Profit, Planning, Practice and,
> uh, the HMS Pinafore."
> 	"The what?" asked Romantic Innuendo.
> 	"Never underestimate the motivational nature of a good Gilbert and
> Sullivan."

What, never?
Well, hardly ever!

> 	Captain Coredump raised his hand.  "I'm not sure I get the
> analogy.  Does this mean we can only go towards one P at a time?"
> 	Rumor Monger leaned over.  "No, two.  You could go Profit-Practice
> for example."
> 	Gritty scratched her head.  "What if I wanted to go Planning by
> Planning-Pinafore?"
> 	"You'd sure be headed away from Profit-Practice, that's for sure."

Heeheeheehee

> "The three valves to beautiful Crime are Profit, Planning and
> Practice..."
> 	Amnesia interrupted, "You forgot HMS Pinafore."
> 	"Forget the Pinafore."
> 	"But I'm an E-e-e-e-e-e-englishman," quipped Demented Designer.
*cackles*

> 	"...so you see how the Japanese manufacturing technique of Kan Ban
> can be adapted to your own Crime Ban for better efficiency and
> labelling.

I am 100% sure there are multiple tokusatsu series that have used a similar pun.

> 	"For example, if you had a court date.  You wouldn't want to miss
> that right?  With flex time, you set your own hours...."
> 	"Hey, that'd be real helpful during baseball season," said Grim.
> 	"Well..."
> 	"Ooh, I'd never miss the soaps," clapped Romantic Innuendo.
> 	"That's not really how..."

I mean, honestly, if you're willing to work around your favorite TV shows, that 
seems entirely legit to me?

> 	"What about telecommuting?  Why go to work at all?"  Professor
> Perhap noted.

Similar for this. You're a supervillain, you may as well do what makes you 
happy, you dig?

> 	"Does this finally make sense to you?  The analogy clear?"
> interrupted the speaker.
> 	The Brotherhood of Net.Villains looked around the room to each
> other.  As one, they leveled the crossbows at Lethal Lawyer.
> 	>thwackthwackthwackthwackthwackthwackthwackthwackthwack<
> 	"Now _that's_ Quality work," declared Grim.

Heeheehee

> 	Mr. Homage strode back into the room as Lethal Lawyer was hustled
> off on a stretcher muttering something about the 'Cushions of Quality.'

*snerkle*

> 	"Each of you, alone or in pairs, may plan and execute your own
> crimes.  The moratorium on LNH-attention is over.  Plan it as you see
> fit.  You each have one month, one thousand dollars seed, and an
> unlimited supply of manpower from our Goon department.  The crime that
> garners the largest profit will get a near-equal share of the profits of
> all the crimes as me."

This is a really good setup for a crossover, TBH.

> 	"Let Net.ropolis beware the EMPLOYEE-EMPOWERED, PARADIGM-SHIFTED,
> INDIVIDUAL-OWNERSHIP, DOWNSIZED, STREAMLINED, REENVIGORATED CRIMES of
> the BROTHERHOOD of NET.VILLAINS!!"

WOO!!!!

>    "Let me get this straight," Bizarre Boy said with a sigh, "half the
> team is... 'reserved'."
>    Net.iquette Lad nodded.  "Bad-Timing Boy is currently is an LNH Comics
> Presents storyline, Squeaky Clean is currently appearing in Elsewheres
> and Continuity Champ Junior is scheduled for an upcoming appearance in
> Continuity Champ and the Drizzt Defenders," he explained.

The LNH after most of the '90s writers left.jpg

>    "We probably should start calling him 'Melvin'," Pizza Girl suggested,
> "now that his name has been established.  You know, the way Professor X
> always refers to Magneto as 'Erik' now that that's his name all of a
> sudden."

I love seeing when stuff that's been a part of the landscape for so long that a 
lot of fans just think of it as How It's Always Been got established.

>    Rumour Monger mused for a moment.  "If you don't mind me asking, why
> exactly do you hate the LNH so much?"
>    Professor Perhap looked incredulous.  "Do you not know what happened
> to me at the hands of the LNH at the end of the Cosmic Plot Device
> Caper?"
>    "Well, no, nobody does" was Rumour Monger's reply, which only served
> to confuse Professor Perhap that much more.

I'm gonna assume this was a "never-posted story" joke.

>    Rumour Monger shook his head.  "No, that's not a good idea."
>    "And why not?"
>    "Because last I heard Bad-Timing Boy had had some strange encounter
> with an extra-dimensional being known as 'Good-Timing Girl' (See LNHCP
> #27 --MFP), possibly affecting his powers."

Ooooh, simultaneous continuity references.

>    "Agreed."  The two figures, one male and one female, each decked out
> in leather, stepped out of the shadows.  "Hey, kid, didn't your mother
> ever warn you about staying out late in Net.ropolis?"

Yeah, didn't your mother ever talk about how dangerous the streets are in the 
city with the highest percentage of people dedicated to keeping others safe in 
the world? (Then again, I guess we *were* just past the Reagan "white flight" era.)

>    "Yeah: _you_."  They seemed to be enjoying their laugh at Bizarre
> Boy's expense.
>    "Biz, don't let them get to you."
>    "No, I think they need to be taught a lesson," he told her.

Toxic masculinity strikes again!

>    They smiled.  "We're Grim 'N Gritty of the Bortherhood of Net.Villains"
> Grim told him.
>    "Why are you attacking us?"
>    "'Cause that's what villains do, stupid!  Now get on your feet!"

Sigh. Nothing in particular here that differentiates them from the Generic 
Villain Siblings. @-@

Drew "toxic masculinityyyyyyy" Perron