LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #88: Mutton Mania Part Twelve

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Mon Dec 31 13:17:03 PST 2018

In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the twelfth section of Mutton Mania.

Mutton Mania #25.5, John (uplink) Scheibeler returns.  It's a battle
of the people who have way, way too much power.

And for #26-28, Martin Phipps also returns.  Will Martin reread #23?
And will it make sense to him?  Find out below!

And now..

             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                     ADVENTURES #88

                       Mutton Mania Part Twelve


by uplink <uplink989 at hotmail.com>

"Okay, you morons, that's enough changes."

The Lords of Retcon spun around, startled.  "Who dares invade our sacred
chambers--- oh, it's you."

"Oh, it's me?"  The voice was rather familiar to the people acquainted
with the series so far -- it belonged to a certain Opinionated One.
"That's all I get?"

"Well, what you have us say?"  Asked one Lord of Retcon.  "Would you have
us cringe in fear at your very presence, your mighty..." he peered to see
what Opinionated Lad was wearing on his feet.  "Mighty Reebok-clad feet
causing tremors in the very fabric of time and space with each step you
take?  We _ARE_ the Lords of Retcon, you know."

"Yes, I do know."  Opinionated Lad replied.  "I also know that you're been
retconning this story too much.  Stop it, and let it continue, or there'll
be..." he paused for dramatic effect, "trouble."

"Oh really?"  sneered another Lord of Retcon.  "And just what sort of
trouble can _you_ provoke?  Anything you do to us, we can just retcon

"Y'know, you guys are really getting annoying.  It's my Opinion that the
Knights of Continuity should show up and teach you guys a lesson."  And
suddenly the Knights were there.

"Foul miscreant Lords!" The lead Knight drew his lance, a mighty shaft of
wood tipped with the sharp piercing barb of Time, and pointed it at the
Lords.  "If thee do not halt thine foolish retconning at once, my brethren
and I shall smite thee verily, unto the pages of the next storyline."  The
rest of the Knights looked grim, and drew their various weapons.

"No, no!  You misunderstand!"  The Lords of Retcon seemed taken
aback. Turning to Opinionated Lad, the spokesman for the Lords said, "You
win.  We shall no longer interfere with the progress of this storyline.
But one day there shall be a reckoning."

"Yeah, like I care.  Okay guys," Opinionated Lad called out to the Knights
of Continuity, "y'all can go home now."  And with that, the Knights
departed through means unknown.

"And one more thing, guys," Opinionated Lad said to the Lords of Retcon
before going back to the story himself, "Don't try any funny business."

"Or what?"  The leader of the Lords of Retcon still seemed somewhat

Or I will retcon YOU out of having ever existed, which will cause a major
flamewar which could have the potential of destroying the entire
Looniverse, said the Author.  Do you want THAT on your hands, or are you
going to stop fiddling with this cascade and let it evolve naturally?

"But our work is directed by the Great and Powerful Editor," whined the
spokesman for the LoR, which was incredibly close to becoming known as the
Lords of Mud.  "Surely we cannot cross his will."

I'm telling you right now, retcon anything in this storyline again --
including my words at this very moment -- and I will make sure that you
never existed.  What's more, I'll stay around and retcon you back out of
existence every time someone else tries to retcon you into existence.
Leave well enough alone.  And with that, the Lords of Retcon were alone


Martin Phipps (phippsmartin at hotmail.com)

Occultism Kid, Ultimate Ninja, Opinionated Lad, _THE_ Indie, Gaffer and
Easily Discovered Man Lite arrived on Scarlet Prawn island.

"OK, where to next?" The Indie asked.

"Well, my opinion is that we'll find Easily Discovered Man in that big
castle other there," Opinionated Lad said, pointing to a rather large
castle about a mile away from them.

"That's a really big castle," Gaffer said.

"It's huge!" Ultimate Ninja said, in agreement.

"It's enormous!" Occultism Kid said.

"I've seen bigger," Easily Discovered Man Lite said.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile, back in the monitoring room of LNH HQ.

"So," Deja Dude said, "King Konqueror.  I thought you'd been arrested and
put in jail* (*See Writer's Block Woman and Mouse #36 --Footnote Girl)."

"True," King Konqueror admitted, "but my lawyer successfully argued that
being placed in the same cell as Appalling Tasteless Man was cruel and
unusual punishment and hence I got paroled."

"And yet isn't your involvement in all this a violation of your parole?"

King Konqueror shrugged his shoulders.  "Yeah.  But this isn't over yet."

Deja Dude dismissed King Konqueror's last comment.  "But then how did the
Scarlet Prawn get in touch with you?"

"I placed an ad in _KABOOMS, Entertainment for Super-Villains_."

Deja Dude grimmaced.  "Damn.  We should get a subscription for that here,
except Self-Righteous Preacher would never allow it."  He turned back to
the monitors.  "OK, good, they're almost at the castle!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ultimate Ninja turned to Occultism Kid.  "Use your cosmic senses*. Find
out if anybody's home.  (*That Occultism Kid has cosmic senses was
established in the Legion of Occult Heroes series --Footnote Girl)"

Occultism Kid used his cosmic senses to scan the building.  "It's hard to
say.  It's a very big castle."

"Let's not start on that again," Easily Discovered Man Lite said.
"Besides, you should be able to find Easily Discovered Man."

"Yes!" Occultism Kid said.  "He's in one of the rooms upstairs."

Ultimate Ninja nodded.  "Alright.  All of you go on ahead.  I'll watch
your backs in case of an ambush."

"Wouldn't it make more sense for YOU to go on ahead?" Opinionated Lad

"It might," Ultimate Ninja admitted.  "Except we're following Occultism
Kid's lead... and I want to be in a position where I know where everybody
is and I can only do that by following behind."

"Alright.  Fair enough."  As Opinionated Lad agreed with Ultimate Ninja's
plan, there was nothing else to discuss.

The six heroes made their way through, the door, up the stairs and into
the long hallway.

"Easily Discovered Man's in there," Occultism Kid said, pointing to one of
the doorways.  The six of them went in.  Sure enough, Easily Discovered
Man was in the room, gagged and tied to an antique chair with rope.  He
looked very embarrassed.

The net.heroes rushed to his side.  Easily Discovered Man Lite removed the

"Careful," Easily Discovered Man said, still tied to the chair, "it could
be a trap!"

Cackling laughter filled the room.

The various Legionaires were relieved to discover that the laughter was
coming from a tape recorder which had been placed in the room and,
presumably, set off by the heroes entrance.

<<I congratulate you, Net.Heroes, for having seen through my ploy to
divert you to Net.Zealand and, hence prevent me from taking the sheep from
your headquarters and bringing them here to my island.>> There was the
sound of a Scottish man cursing in the background.  <<Not that this will
prevent me from one day having my revenge.  You will still rue the day,
Ultimate Ninja, when you mooned the Scarlet Prawn!>>

"What's he talking about?" Ultimate Ninja asked.  The Indie and Gaffer
started snickering.

<<Obviously this is the last time I hire King Konqueror.>>

"Well, good help _is_ hard to find," Easily Discovered Man Lite pointed

<<Until we meet again, Legionaires!>>

"Alright, let's take the tape back to LNH HQ with us," Ultimate Ninja
suggested.  "We'll analyze it for clues as to where they've gone."

The assembled net.heroes were busy untying Easily Discovered Man, however.
By the time Occultism Kid had managed to walk over to where the tape
recorder was playing, he found that the tape had already been ruined with
wisps of smoke rising from it accompanied by a slight hissing sound.

"The tape has self-destructed!" Occultism Kid realised.

"You can tell Deja Dude's back," Opinionated Lad observed.

<<I heard that,>> came Deja Dude's voice from Opinionated Lad's comm.link.

Ultimate Ninja tapped his comm.link.  "Well then, get us out of here!" he

Deja Dude beamed the assembled heroes back to the monitoring room in LNH

"Well, this has all been pretty pointless," Opinionated Lad complained.
"Apart from rescuing Easily Discovered Man, we've accomplished nothing
except to allow the villains to escape again!"

"At least we have King Konqueror in custody," Easily Discovered Man Lite
pointed out.

"Exactly!" Opinionated Lad said.  "And if it weren't for _me_ you guys
would propably have gone off the Net.Zealand with him."

Deja Dude let out a deep sigh.  "Well there's still the matter of the

"What about them?" Opinionated Lad asked.

"I had Doctor Stomper look at them while you were on Scarlet Prawn island
but not even _he_ could figure out a way to change them back into teenaged
girls.  I don't suppose _you_ could do it."

"Sure I could," Opinionated Lad said confidently.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course!  But why should I?  They are, were and always will be sheep at
heart.  It's their natural state!  Why should I change them from what they
are naturally anyway?"

"Oh, well, if you can't do it --"

"Wait!"  Opinionated Lad was offended.  "You're saying I can't do it?"

"Well, you say you can but --"

"OK, fine, Mr. Smarty Pants, you want to see me do it?  I'll do it! OK?"

Deja Dude smiled.  He knew that if it was Opinionated Lad's opinion that
he could do something then he'd do it, whatever it might be.  He also knew
that Opinionated Lad would do whatever it took to prove his opinion right,
including changing the girls back.

"Just a minute!" Deja Dude said.  "We need the assistance of one more

"We do?  Who?"

Deja Dude pressed a button on the monitoring room console in an effort to
contact the required Legionaire.


"Hello, New Look Lass?"


"Could you please come down to the lobby with about two hundred loose
fitting dresses?"

<<OK.  Sure.>>


"I don't get it," Opinionated Lad admitted.

"Whatever clothing the girls were wearing got ruined," Deja Dude
explained, "either when they were turned into sheep or in the process of
being brought here, so if you were to change them back into girls now,
they'd be naked, which they might find a bit embarrassing."

"So you're going to dress them all?"

"That's right."

"And how long is that going to take?"

Deja Dude thought for a moment.  "With everybody helping out, it shouldn't
take that long."

"Fair enough," Opinionated Lad decided.  "I'll wait."

Meanwhile, in the lobby, the Indie and Gaffer were talking to Fred and
Ultimate Ninja about the question of payment.

"_How_ much did you promise them?" Ultimate Ninja asked.

"One hundred dollars an hour," Fred told him.

"Plus expenses," the Indie pointed out.

"And we're worth it too!" Gaffer insisted.

"It was your idea to hire them," Fred reminded him.

"So it was," Ultimate Ninja said, grumbling, "although I _was_ hung over
at the time.  Fine.  Fine.  Whatever.  You can take the money out of petty

"That's just it," Fred said, "there's not enough money in petty cash.
We're $200 short."

"Alright then," Ultimate Ninja said, turning around.  He took removed $200
from a secret pocket in his ninja uniform and turned around once more to
face the Indie and Gaffer.  "I hope this makes you happy."

"Sure thing, Lenny!" the Indie said.

Ultimate Ninja grimaced under his mask.  "Do you want the money or not?"
he asked in a threatening manner.

"Uh... I mean... thank you, Mr. Ninja, Sir!"

"That's better," Ultimate Ninja said, handing the Indie the money.

"I liked him better when he was drunk," Gaffer whispered to the Indie.

Easily Discovered Man Lite, Onion Lad and Occultism Kid went up to New
Look Lass' room to help her with the dresses.  Although New Look Lass'
room was no larger than the typical room in LNH HQ, her closet was huge.

"How is this possible?" Onion Lad asked.

New Look Lass laughed.  "I told Domestic Lad that I needed more closet
space and he spoke to Kid Kirby who told me to empty out my closet because
he was going to create a dimensional vortex or somesuch.  Anyway, now no
matter how much stuff I put into my closet there's always space left over.
It's amazing!"

"Will these be alright?" Occultism Kid asked, carrying a dozen or so

"I only keep the best designs," New Look Lass assured him.  "If they don't
like one of my outfits then they can change when they get home."  New Look
Lass looked concerned.  "Those poor girls!  And their mother's too!  They
must be so worried!  I hope we'll be able to change them back as you say!"

"We'll find out soon enough," Lite said under a pile of dresses.  "Deja
Dude's going around LNH HQ to see who's here and wants to help."

About an hour or so later, all the sheep were dressed.

"Alright," Deja Dude said, "fire away!"

"I don't have to fire anything," Opinionated Lad told him.  "I'm just
going to form the opinion that the sheep should become teenaged girls
again."  And, as easily as that, they did.

As soon as they realised what happened, teenaged girls started to mob
Opinionated Lad.  "Thank you!"  "My hero!"  "I'm Linda!  555-5678!"  Onion
Lad quickly wrote down the name and telephone number.

"This is all very well and good," Opinionated Lad said, "but I'm not
interested.  I think you should all leave now."  And so they did, much to
the disappointment of Opion Lad.

"Well, that's great!" Deja Dude said, quite satisfied.  "Everything's

"Not quite everything," Opinionated Lad told him.  "I seem to remember
somebody saying me you're supposed to be dead."

"Uh... I got better."

"Not good enough!" Opinionated Lad opined.  "There are too many characters
coming back from the dead nowadays!  In my opinion, if you can't think of
a good reason why you're no longer dead then you should stay dead!"  With
that said, Deja Dude disappeared.

"Um... did you just kill Deja Dude?" Onion Lad asked.

"No," Opinionated Lad said, "it's just my opinion that he needs to come up
with a better explanation for him being alive, that's all."

"So, does this mean this whole incident never actually happened?"
Occultism Kid asked.

"Oh, it happened all right!" Opinionated Lad insisted.  "There's going to
be no more retroactive continuity as long as I'm here!  I told the Lords
of Retcon that myself to their faces!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Lords of Retcon remained silent.  Finally one of them spoke.

"If you like, we could revamp the whole universe, starting with the Cosmic
Plot Device Caper!  I mean..."

The other Lords of Retcon gave him a nasty look and he shut up.  They then
collectively turned their attention back to the DC Universe.


PS: I just reread Part 23 and it _STILL_ doesn't make sense.  Where in LNH
HQ is the "Faculty Office"?  Who is the "physics student"?  Or was that
Dave Thomas Deluxe University?  And if so, what were they doing there?  Or
does it matter because the Lords of Retcon fixed everything so that parts
23-25 all took place at LNH HQ instead?  Let's just assume it's the latter
and not worry about it! :) --Martin

Next Week: Mutton Mania is not quite over with..

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer

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