LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #87: Mutton Mania Part Eleven

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Dec 16 13:04:53 PST 2018

In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the eleventh section of Mutton Mania.

Mutton Mania #24, John (uplink) Scheibeler returns.  Is it time for
Opinionated Lad to unleash -- the deus ex opinion?

And for #25, Martin Phipps also returns.  Is it time for the Lords of
Retcons to just start retconning everything?

And now..

             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                     ADVENTURES #87

                         Mutton Mania Part Eleven


by uplink <uplink989 at hotmail.com>

"That is a patently ridiculous theory, Occultism Kid."  Opinionated Lad
folded his arms across his chest and glared at the mystic LNH'er.  "If
someone were draining my powers, I'd certainly be able to tell.  And
besides which, no one can drain my powers in the first place."

"How can you be so certain?"  Occultism Kid slyly asked.

"Because my powers are the power of choice.  They are the power of
Opinion." Opinionated Lad was just getting started.  "When the Net first
started, it was a closed and dark space.  The only people who had access
were the dark minds of military men.  Then researchers started opening up,
and with them came new opinions.  Now, nearly everybody has access, and
everybody has their opinion.  My power is born of the untapped Opinion
power of the net!"

"My Ghod!" exclaimed Occultism Kid.  Deja Dude was too stunned to
speak. Even The Indie and Gaffer looked at Opinionated Lad with some awe,
although they had no idea what OL meant by this monologe.

"Of course..."  murmured Deja Dude.  "Your power is the potential of
unborn Opinion.  And because the net grows every day, your power is nearly
unfathomable!  But someone could still be tapping your power, even without
you knowing it!"

"What makes you say that?"  Opinionated Lad looked smugly towards the
others, an amazing feat considering some of them stood behind him as well.

"Because you can't turn Ultimate Kiwi back!"

"Kiwi?" asked Ultimate Kiwi.

"Who says I can't?"  And with that, Ultimate Ninja hopped down from the

"Thanks, Opinionated Lad," he said.  "I'm a bit allergic to feathers."

"This still doesn't solve our main problem, though," said Professor
Wong. "How do these SHAG guns work?"

"Actually, they don't."  Opinionated Lad picked one up and pointed it at
the Professor.  "You see, Professor, I recognized you as soon as we walked
through the door.  This gun is nothing more than a cheap replica and all
it really does is fire plastic darts.  I got four on sale last week at the
local Big K."  He brandished the weapon at the Professor.  "But when
operated by someone with sufficient strength of will, they can be used to
hide different devices.  Like reality warp generators.  Sheep
Transformers. Or even disguise makers.  Or maybe even a reality
consolidator."  His hands moved on the gun, and a bright green beam
enveloped the professor.

"Opinionated Lad!"  Deja Dude cried out.  "What are you doing!"

"Look!  It's not the professor!  Opinionated Lad was right!"  Everyone was
standing, and The Indie, Gaffer and Easily-Discovered Man Lite had stepped
out to the corridor, a look of growing horror on their faces (or maybe it
was just the smell of an aroused onion that did it).  Occultism Kid
pointed at the form of the Professor.  "By the Seven Seas of Askelon, this
was all a trap!"

"Yes, you fools, it was a trap!"  The form in the light stood taller
already, revealed by Opinionated Lad's power as to who he really was.

"King Konqueror..."


by Martin Phipps (phippsmartin at hotmail.com)

"OK," Deja Dude complained.  "This is starting to get silly."

"Starting?" Easily Discovered Man Lite asked.

"So where's the _REAL_ Easily Discovered Man?" Occultism Kid asked.

"Oh, God," Deja Dude whined.  "That's right.  No sooner is Ultimate Ninja
turned back into a sheep and then we have a new problem, trying to find
Easily Discovered Man."

"Well, he shouldn't be _that_ hard to find," Easily Discovered Man Lite
pointed out.  "I mean, that's his power.  His only power."

Ultimate Ninja, now fully back to his old self after being 1) drunk 2)
hung over 3) a sheep and finally 4) a kiwi, jumped onto the war room
table, bounced and did a somersault that had him land in front of King
Konqueror.  "Tell us where Easily Discovered Man is!"

"I'll never tell!" King Konqueror told him.

"Where is he?"

"I'll take it to my grave!"

Ultimate Ninja pulled out his katana*.  (*As Ultimate Sheep had been
wearing Ultimate Ninja's costume all this time, he still had his katana
--Footnote Girl) "That can be arranged."

"OK!  OK!  I'll talk!  He was taken by the Scarlet Prawn!  The Scarlet
Prawn hired Sheepshagger and myself to exact his revenge against the LNH!
And he switched me with Easily Discovered Man during the confusion at the
Motel 6!"

"I told you it'd be easy," Easily Discovered Man Lite said.

"Well, that does sound like King Konqueror," Occultism Kid said.

"It should," Deja Dude told him.  "I went back and read Writer's Block
Woman and Mouse #36 to see how he was last written.  I just hope the
gratuitous plug I've just given is enough to make Jaelle forgive us for
using a character she had listed as reserved!"

Gaffer looked at Deja Dude quizically.  None of what the formerly dead
net.hero had said made any sense to him.

"And where is the Scarlet Prawn's secret base?" Ultimate Ninja asked.

"My lips are sealed!"

Ultimate Ninja let out a deep sigh.  "Do I _really_ have to ask you two
more times?" he said with a bit of a whine.

King Konqueror nodded his head.  "Well, alright, since you put it that
way, I guess I _am_ being a bit arrogant, even for a villain.  Even for an
exaggerated villain, one who's arrogance is exaggerated to the point where
it is used for comic purposes, one who --"


"I am talking."

"About where Scarlet Prawn is keeping Easily Discovered Man!"

"Oh.  Well, in Ireland, of course."

"Where in Ireland?"

King Konqueror thought for a moment.  "Do you have a map?"

Occultism Kid rushed out and got a large map of Europe from the downstairs
library*.  (*On the first floor, behind the reception area, on the way to
the cafeteria --Footnote Girl) "OK, now tell us where they are!"

King Konqueror studied the map for a while.  "Here," he said, finally,
"Scarlet Prawn island."

"Scarlet Prawn Island?" Opinionated Lad asked.  He looked at the map.
"There it is."  He looked around in disgust.  "And how are we supposed to
get there?" he asked.

"Maybe we should contact LNH Europe," Occultism Kid suggested.

"That won't be necessary," Deja Dude told him.  "We can use the
teleportation tubes over in the monitoring room.* (*First introduced in
the Sieze Dangerous mini series --Footnote Girl)"

"Will somebody please shut that Footnote Girl up!" Opinionated Lad
complained.  "She's getting on my nerves!"  He unfolded a pair of black
Ray-Ban sunglasses.  "In any case, Easily-Discovered Man's kidnapping has
now provided us with a clue as to the current whereabouts of the
Sheepshagger.  It may be the only useful thing he does in this storyline,
so we might as well make the most of it."

Deja Dude held up his index finger.  "Wait a minute!  I've got this
strange feeling of deja-vu... and I don't think it's just simply a
manifestation of my power.  Somebody has been messing around with
continuity again!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Lords of Retcon agreed with Deja Dude.

"He's right!  This story doesn't make any sense!"

"Very well, let's go back to before Deja Dude was introduced and then

"No!  Such a drastic rewriting will invite war with the Knights of

"Agreed!  We must make only the most minor of changes!"

"Very well then!  Chapters 23-25 all take place _during_ chapter 22. We
return to the end of chapter 22 with only the most minor of changes."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"I'm going to activate the tubes," Deja Dude said.  "Let's show that fat,
slovenly pervert what it means to cross the LNH."

"The other fat, slovenly pervert," Steak-and-Potatoes Man reassured Onion

"Aren't you coming?" Occultism Kid asked.

"No," Deja Dude said.  "With you, Ultimate Ninja, Opinionated Lad, _THE_
Indie, Gaffer and Easily Discovered Man Lite going and Easily Discovered
Man already on Scarlet Prawn Island, there are enough people involved
already.  Besides, you need someone here to pull you back in case things
get out of hand.  I'll be here in the monitoring room all the time keeping
an eye on your progress."

"Sounds good," Ultimate Ninja said.  "Alright, let's go!"

The assembled heroes entered the teleportation tubes and disappeared.

Next Week: Mutton Mania Part Twelve!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer

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