LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #86: Mutton Mania Part Ten
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Dec 9 13:24:35 PST 2018
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the tenth section of Mutton Mania.
Mutton Mania #22, Rob Rogers returns. Can Opinionated Lad survive -- KIWI KOURT?!
And for #23, Josh Hartung also returns. Is Safe.co really the best place to buy SHAG weapons?
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
Mutton Mania Part Ten
by Rob Rogers <rogersr at shore.net>
Deja Dude turned to Opinionated Lad. "You just had to go and leave
bits of your grilled-kiwi-on-rye sandwich all over your shirt, didn't you?"
"Hey, we were in Limbo," Opinionated Lad countered. "It wasn't like I had
a lot of choices. Next time I'll go with the Oozelfinch McNuggets."
Two hundred pairs of black, marble-like eyes narrowed. Opinionated Lad
stepped back. One of the kiwis -- larger than the rest, with a tattered,
striped tie drooping from where its neck would be, if the birds had necks
-- stepped forward and presented Opinionated Lad with a rolled-up piece of
Opinionated Lad picked up the paper and read it, while the bird waited
imperiously, one clawed foot tapping the lobby floor.
"It's a subpoena," Opinionated Lad said. The kiwis murmured among
themselves. Opinionated Lad picked up the tie-draped kiwi, pointed it
toward the revolving lobby doors, and punted it for 200 yards. The other
birds scattered throughout the headquarters building.
"Now that's settled, let's deal with this whole Sheepshagger business once
and for all so that I can get back to doing something more productive than
contributing to a pointless, endless storyline," Opinionated Lad said.
"If only the writers on _Friends_ were so enlightened," Easily- Discovered
Man Lite mused wistfully.
"But wait!" Deja Dude said. "Aren't we forgetting something? Before we
can take on the Sheepshagger, we need to know whether the power of his
SHAG weapon can be defeated by forming strong opinions against it."
"And whether the weapon is actually magical," Occultism Kid said, "or
whether it is simply technology so far advanced that it _appears_ to be
magic, much like cordless telephones."
"And whether Tsar Chasm is secretly King Konqueror, and he planned the
whole thing during what was 'supposed to be' his trip to the bathroom, and
now he's going to turn all of us into... uh, weevils..." Onion Lad said,
making quote signs with his fingers to indicate 'supposed to be.' "Hey,
why are you guys looking at me like that? At least I read the roster!"
"Yeah!" said The Indie. "And what about scarecrow's brain?"
"Baaaa!" bleated Ultimate Sheep.
"That's _The_ Indie," The Indie sputtered.
"That's it!" Opinionated Lad said. "I said if he said it one more time, I
was going to..."
"People!" Substitute Lad said. All heads turned to stare at the
blue-jumpsuited hero as he stepped between The Indie and Opinionated Lad's
fist. "Look what you're doing here! Remember who we are! This is the
Legion of Net.Heroes, a place where we come together to enjoy life and
save the world, not fight with each other."
Somewhere in the dark recesses of Legion headquarters, dozens of kiwis
began humming the "Battle Hymn of the Republic."
"This isn't about whose explanation for Sheepshagger's powers makes more
sense, or whose character is being portrayed correctly," Substitute Lad
continued. "It's not about how long the story runs, or how pointless the
digressions are, or...really, it's not about much of anything at all.
Except...well, it's about all of us. Coming together for a common
purpose. Coming together the way few of us have since 'Retcon Hour'
ended. Coming together to..."
WHAP! BAM! SPLAT!
"My god, that was satisfying," The Indie said, rubbing his knuckles.
"It certainly was," Opinionated Lad agreed, unfolding a pair of black
Ray-Ban sunglasses. "Easily-Discovered Man has a lead on the current
whereabouts of the Sheepshagger. It may be the only useful thing he does
in this storyline, so we might as well make the most of it. Everybody
"Ready!" everyone agreed, as Captain Cleanup whisked away Substitute Lad's
"I'm opening a portal," Deja Dude said, donning sunglasses of his own.
"Let's show that fat, slovenly pervert what it means to cross the LNH."
"The other fat, slovenly pervert," Steak-and-Potatoes Man reassured Onion
Lad, as the group entered the portal.
Josh Hartung <j.o.s.hartung at worldnet.att.net>
And with a resounding "POIT!" the heroes were gone.
And now we present MUTTON MANIA #23: Faculty Meeting!
"Kiwi," he said lovingly.
"Baaaa," she whispered, and a lifetime of longing and regret was over.
They had been reunited. And this time, he swore that nothing - NOTHING -
would ever separate them again.
Meanwhile, Steak and Potatoes Man viewed the bucolic herds milling about
"I've got music ." he sang.
He felt the urges rise again. The Witchery of San, his dogma, had now
become his curse.
"I've got rhythm ."
Unable to control himself, he reached for the carving knives.
"I've got mutton, who could ask for anything more ."
"Thank you all for coming," Professor Theodore Wong said.
It was a tight fit in the small faculty office. Deja Dude and Opinionated
Lad sat in the two available chairs. (The Indie and Opinionated Lad had a
brief slap-fight over the other chair until OL stated his Opinion that
"_Indie_ should stand.") The Indie and Occultism Kid stood behind them,
while Gaffer and Easily-Discovered Man Lite played hangman on a small
chalkboard. Ultimate Sheep stood on The Professor's desk, munching on a
cabbage. Onion Lad stayed outside, as his reek was a bit much to handle
in such close quarters.
A sophomore physics student peeked in. "Hi Prof, I just need a signature
for this ."
The assembled heroes - and sheep -- turned and stared at the student.
"Um . I'll come back," she said, and shut the door.
"Hey baby," Onion Lad said, leering at the student. "Ever had an onion
make you scream?"
Moments later, a physics textbook made high speed impact with Onion Lad's
Meanwhile, back in the office, the Prof continued.
"Gentlemen, I have been shopping. There was a clearance sale."
"Wait a minute," Opinionated Lad said. "Did you just drag us all here
because you found some Yoko Ono tapes at the Safe.co?"
"No, next to the cassette rack," the Prof said. He put a Safe.co shopping
bag on the table and removed three SHAG weapons.
"You see, our young friend with the camera here set me on the trail of
these weapons. I realized that most merchandise found in magazine ads
eventually makes its way to the clearance rack of a department store.
The Prof turned one of the SHAGs on Ultimate Sheep and, despite the
protestations of all the heroes in the room, fired.
There was a blinding flash. When the heroes' vision cleared, they looked
to the desk and saw .
"As you can see, this brings up all sorts of interesting theories."
"Such as?" The Indie asked.
"I have no idea." the Prof answered.
The kiwi looked into the wide, devoted eyes of his love. He pecked at the
wool on her throat tenderly.
"Baaaa," she said softly.
Yes, he would do anything to ensure that he and his love would always be
Even . sell his soul.
The kiwi opened The Book and began to read .
"Okay, let's just try to think this out," Deja Dude said. "Ultimate Sheep
is now Ultimate Kiwi, thanks to a SHAG. What does that tell us?"
"Substandard merchandise?" Lite offered.
"Maybe I should try one of the other guns on him," the Prof said.
"NO!" everyone replied.
"Okay, how about this?" Occultism Kid said. The assembled heroes turned
to listen. Since Occultism Kid had barely spoken for the last few
chapters, they figured he had something important to say.
"We've seen the SHAG transform humans into sheep, create ticks out of thin
air, and now - turn a sheep into a kiwi. What's the common thread?"
"Absurdity?" The Indie suggested.
"Silliness?" Opinionated Lad proposed.
"Drunk writers?" Lite volunteered.
"Not exactly," Occultism Kid said. "The common thread seems to be
_opinion_. First, Deja Dude turns into a sheep when first accosted by the
Sheepshagger - who had a low opinion of him. Deja Dude refers to
ticks. Next, he becomes infested with them. Gaffer and Ultimate Ninja,
expecting trouble, are turned into sheep. Then with the power of
divergent opinion, Gaffer and Deja Dude both transform back. The final
clue is right in front of us."
"Kiwi?" Ultimate Kiwi asked.
"Exactly, UK." Occultism Kid stated. "Opinionated Lad punts Lawyer Kiwi,
and then Ultimate Sheep is transformed into one. And to top it all off,
Opinionated Lad is powerless to reverse any of these changes. The answer
"It is?" Gaffer said.
"Of course!" Lite said. "Someone is siphoning off Opinionated Lad's
powers and using them for his own. The SHAGs are just a red herring!"
"Oh, just take away my denouement, why don't you?" Occultism Kid sneered.
"But then," The Indie said. "That would imply the Sheepshagger is just a
"Of King Konqueror!" Deja Dude exclaimed.
It always happened when Fred tried to leave work early. He'd get halfway
home, then forget his keys. Fred approached the door to the Legion of
Net.Heroes Headquarters - and was blocked.
Someone --- or something - had barred the entrance with some sort of force
Inside, a large kiwi in a black tie stood next to a worried looking sheep.
"KIWI!" It cried, professing its love to all who cared to
No, no one would separate them ever again .
The figure watched the League unravel the mystery through his
monitor.thingee. The bug he placed on The Indie's camera was working
Yes the bribe to Tsar Chasm to misdirect the League worked well.
Utilizing the unusual talents of the Sheepshagger helped to further
confuse the League. The mutton/kiwi theme in his devious plan seemed to
reflect King Konqueror's modus operandi. Which would send the League to
Leaving Net.ropolis ripe for the picking. And that was just the
beginning. Oh yes. OH the League would pay dearly for dishonoring him.
The whole _city_ would pay.
Sheepshagger approached the figure seated in the shadows of the warehouse
headquarters. "I did as ye asked," Sheepshagger said. "Will ye be
releasin' muh haird now?"
"All in good time," the figure said, in an Irish accent. "I still have
another assignment for you ..."
Yes it was all going according to plan. Soon, the League would know just
what it meant to match wits with .
THE SCARLET PRAWN!
Next Week: Mutton Mania Part Eleven!!!!!!!!!!!
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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