LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #85: Mutton Mania Part Nine

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Dec 2 13:56:52 PST 2018

In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the ninth section of Mutton Mania.

Mutton Mania #20, Josh Hartung returns.  And what are the Lords of
Retcons thoughts on all this?

And for #21, Martin Phipps also returns.  Is this a dream or a retcon
of a dream?  Or perhaps a dream of a retcon dreaming a retcon's dream?

And now..

             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                     ADVENTURES #85

                         Mutton Mania Part Nine


by Josh Hartung (j.o.s.hartung at att.net)

The Lords of Retcon had been observing...and they were displeased.  They 
looked into chapter 18 through their scrying pools:

>"Well, there may be another way," The Indie said. "The SHAG was supposed
>to transform those who are easily manipulated, right?"

>"Right," Onion Lad replied.

>"So it stands to reason that a strong opinion divergent from mainstream
>thought may do something," The Indie said.

Then they saw Chapter Nineteen:

>Deja Dude turned to face the sheep.  "Ladies?  Ladiiieees?  How about
>Ricky Martin.  Hmmm?  You like Ricky Martin?  You know, 'Living La Vida
>Loca'... 'Go go go Allez Allez Allez'"
>One by one, sheep started turning back into teenaged girls.

It seemed that liking Ricky Martin was completely in line with the 
mainstream opinions of teenage girls.  However, it could be argued that 
these teenage girls _didn't_ like Ricky Martin.  Then why were they at his 
concert?  This could be excused by the Lords of Retcon.  Yet there were more 

>"Try singing again," Substitute Lad suggested.
>"Singing?  OK.  'You're HERE!  I've NOthing to fear!  And I know that
>my heart will go on!  Dede daDA da da da!  And I know..."
>Dozens of sheep transformed back into teenaged girls as soon as Deja
>Dude started singing.  The process continued until more than half of
>them were back to normal.
>"They really hate your singing," Substitute Lad said, laughing.
>"Shut up," Deja Dude said, somewhat annoyed.
>"What _are_ you doing?" Opinionated Lad asked.
>"We're trying to invoke a strong reaction out of the sheep so that
>they'll change back to human," Substitute Lad explained.
>"Really?" Opinionated Lad said, somewhat amused.  "Is that all?  Well
>then, why don't you try... THIS!"
>He pulled down his pants and mooned all the sheep.  The remaining sheep
>changed back into teenaged girls, en masse.

To hate someone delivering a bad rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" was not 
divergent from mainstream thought.  To be disgusted at someone mooning may 
elicit a strong _reaction,_ but not a strong _opinion._  And the idea of 
someone of Opinionated Lad's stature resorting to _mooning_ ...

>"So you're going to put a few hundred naked teenaged girls on the
>streets of Net.ropolis?" Opinionated Lad asked.
>"No," Deja Dude said, flatly.  "I'm going to send them to strip clubs.
>Since the women are all naked there anyway, I really don't think
>anybody would notice them.  I happen to know the locations of various
>suitable strip clubs throughout Net.ropolis."

Leaving naked teenage girls in a strip club, assuming this would be _the 
best place for them_ stretched willing suspension of disbelief to the 
breaking point.  Even for the LNH.  Furthermore, the entire chapter seemed 
to be a way to justify one writer's need to have his own character solve 

The Lords of Retconn would not allow this to continue.  With that, they 
began to turn back time...


So Substitute Lad had just reached the point where going insane seemed a 
valid option. After all, it was a way to pass the time. Just as Substitute 
Lad was trying to determine exactly _how_ a person goes about going insane, 
a sheep dressed up as Deja Dude appeared before him.

"Baaaa?" it said.

And promptly exploded.

"Well," Substitute Lad mused, wiping sheep entrails off himself.. "That 
didn't take long."

Of course, Substitute Lad hadn't gone insane. But once he turned around and 
saw hundreds more sheep behind him, he certainly had no reason to think 

The Lords of Retcon were satisfied.  MUTTON MANIA could continue.


Martin Phipps (phippsmartin at hotmail.com)

"Substitute Lad?  Substitute Lad?"

"Eh?  What?  Deja Dude?"

"I was just saying we need to find some way to change the sheep back into 
teenaged girls."

"Didn't we already do that?"

"No.  That was a dream you had.  That and all that business about the Lords 
of Retcon changing things back to the way they were at the end of part 

"Really?  But if it was all a dream and it was _my_ dream then how...?"

"That's not important right now.  The sheep are."

"OK.  So why can't you change the sheep back into girls the same way you 
changed yourself back into a human?"

"You mean by trying to illicit a strong opinion?"


"I already tried that while you were dreaming.  Perhaps it needs to be an 
opinion that goes against the mainstream.  I was able to transform back into 
myself because my opinion, supposedly and conveniently enough, goes against 
the mainstream opinion on RACC.  But these girls, presumably, are only 
interested in what's hot and in fashion."

"But, wait a minute," Substitute Lad said, "who decides what gets to be 
popular?  Don't they decide for themselves who is popular by actually going 
out and buying the albums?"

"Maybe," Deja Dude concurred, "or maybe Sheepshagger's wide beam from his 
SHAG gun only affected those who NEVER make their own decisions who ONLY 
followed the existing popular fashions.  That would explain why Weirdness 
Girl wasn't affected, because she undoubtedly would have weird opinions that 
were entirely her own."

Substitute Lad thought for a moment.  "So, in a sense, these girls always 
WERE sheep."

Deja Dude nodded.  "That might have been what Occultism Kid detected when he 
tried to change them back into teenaged girls: he couldn't change them back 
because it was natural for them to BE sheep."

"And yet there has to be _some_ way to change them back to human.  I mean, 
look at it this way, even the most horribly sheepish person has to have his 
or her own opinion about _something_.  You could try singing?  Or you could 
moon them?"

Deja Dude shook his head.  "No.  Besides, it's just occurred to me: even if 
we _did_ change them back to human, they'd be naked.  Where would we be able 
to send them?  A strip club?"

Substitute Lad mused for a moment.  Sending naked girls to a strip club 
might be no worse then sending them to LNH HQ where Onion Lad and EDM Lite 
would see them.  And strip clubs have age restrictions and
bouncers.  "I take it then you _can_ get us back to the Looniverse, right?"

Deja Dude nodded.  "Absolutely!  If I was able to open a portal between the 
Looniverse and limbo then I can do it again.  I think I'll send them back to 
LNH HQ and have Doctor Stomper look at them.  Lord knows why he hasn't been 
sent to check on them until now, if Occultism Kid wasn't effective I mean.  
Somebody on duty hasn't been checking the LNH roster!"

"Well, Ultimate Ninja _has_ been out of it lately," Substitute Lad said, 
thinking back to the time when he was impersonating Tsar Chasm.

"Fair enough!  I'll open a portal to LNH HQ and suck everything in limbo 
back there.  Hold on!"

With a wave of Deja Dude's hands, a portal began to open.  First, it was a 
bright yellow dot.  Then a line.  Then it cracked open.
Hurricane force winds starting blowing everything in limbo towards it.

"Hey!  Deja Dude!" Opinionated Lad said.  "There are you are.  What's going 
on?  Oh, @#$%.  Not again!"

All of them, Deja Dude, Opinionated Lad, Substitute Lad and all the sheep, 
were sucked back to LNH HQ.

"Hey!" Easily Discovered Man Lite said.  "They're back!"

"Kiwi!  Kiwi!  Kiwi!  Kiwi!  Kiwi!  Kiwi!"

The kiwis were not happy.

Deja Dude swalowed hard.  "Oh boy."

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Next Week: Mutton Mania Part Ten!!!!!!!!!!

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer

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