LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #74: Birth Of A Villain Part Fourteen
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Aug 19 13:44:48 PDT 2018
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the forteenth section of a Birth Of A Villain.
And with #35 Saxon Brenton returns. Will Gorilla Grad finish the
cure? And while that happens Fourth Wall Lass and Invisible-Intangible-
Inaudible Lass have a heart to heart about whether the Writers are satanic
or just sadistic.
And with #36 Martin Phipps attempts to chop the head off this cascade.
Will he succeed? And who will win the 2000 Nobel Prize for Peace?
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
Birth Of A Villain Part Fourteen
From: Saxon Brenton <saxon.brenton at uts.edu.au>
Subject: [LNH] Birth Of A Villain #35
Date: 14 Aug 2001 21:39:22 -0000
Taking time out for a bit of character development,
Blue Light Productions presents:
Birth Of A Villain #35
A chaotic add-on cascade type Legion of Net.Heroes title
Spotlight On: Fourth Wall Lass and Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass
Written by Saxon Brenton
In consultation with Jamie Rosen
Cover shows a lab in the LNHHQ. In the extreme foreground on either
side, both Gorilla Grad and Tsar Chasm can be seen, absorbed in
their work. They are so far forward on the picture plane that the
perspective makes them look huge and out of focus, with their forms
running partly off either side of the cover, and their faces being
obscured by the title logo towards the top. Between them in the
background Fourth Wall Lass and Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass
are sitting at the rear of the lab, talking.
Fourth Wall Lass mused on the predicament that the Legion had
found itself in.
It would take a while for Gorilla Grad to synthesise the cure to
the Legionnaire's Disease that had been spread by Melissa. Of course,
Melissa was calling herself by the net.villain code name Vector now,
but ultimately she was still just Melissa - another follower of the
maniacal Church of the Fourth Wall and its leader, Father Brown.
It was strange in some ways. During her initial appearance at the
Planet Kirby theme restaurant Melissa had claimed to be the 'ultimate
villain'. Shortly thereafter this seemingly extravagant claim had
apparently boiled away with the revelation that she was just another
one of Father Brown's minions, albeit an impressively powerful one.
But had it?
As Melissa, the woman had transformed - or rather, been trans-
formed - into a powerful virus that caused havoc in Real Life. Then,
as Vector she had initiated a confrontation with the Legion of
Net.Heroes and its impromptu group of allies that had seen most of the
Legion rendered comatose and the Church of the Fourth Wall come
perilously close to wresting control of the Looniverse from the
Writers (mad group of anarchic nincompoops though they often were)
and into the hands of a Writer under their own control. Moreover, in
the process of trying to seal off the Looniverse's fourth wall to all
others, they had unwittingly also come close to collapsing the first,
second and third walls and thereby damaging the Looniverse more than
they could imagine. She shuddered to think of what would happen in
Fourth Wall Lass sipped her Mr Paprika, and noticed from reading
one of captions that Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass had sat down
beside her. "Hello," she said.
*Hello,* replied the Maid Of Lurking. *What's up?*
"Oh, nothing much. I was actually thinking about what would
happen if the first through third walls collapsed."
*Tsar Chasm said the Looniverse would be sucked into Real Life.*
[In _Birth Of A Villain_ #23 - Footnote Girl]
Fourth Wall Lass nodded absently. "That's one possibility, though
I don't think Vammo Woman, the RACCelestial Madonna, would allow
that to happen without a fight."
*Vammo Woman. She was the winner of the pageant during Retcon
Hour, wasn't she? The one who became the new Looniversal Anchor.*
"That's right. I think it's safe to say she'd put quite a bit of
effort into keeping the Looniverse from falling into Real Life. Or
rather Real Life -1. I don't know whether she'd succeed though. I
mean, I *hope* she'd succeed, but it would probably depend on how big
the 'hole' caused by the collapse of the walls was. And it might be
that only a part would get ripped way, anyway."
*Either way, it's not a pretty thought.*
"No, it's not." She sighed. "Anyway, how is it going with you?"
*Okay, I suppose. This is the first time in ages that I've been
able to interact with real living people who are awake rather than
sleeping ones or dead ones or strange cosmic entities. And being able
to help against an actual villain is nice. Most of the time I just
wander around, talking with the occasional ghost, helping with dreams,
and generally trying to keep from going insane.*
"That sounds pretty rough."
Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass smiled wanly. *I think it's
supposed to be. From what the Perfect Stranger told me, the whole
point of my powers is so that the universe has someone to suffer
hardship for no sensible reason.*
Fourth Wall Lass nodded with weary resignation. "It might be
Drama related. Limp-Asparagus Lad once speculated that the Drama is
necessary to keep our stories interesting, and that the net.ahumans
have to shoulder the burden of most of the outrageous misfortunes that
the Looniverse seems to thrive on." Then she rolled her eyes, and
added, "Of course, that means that the normals have to bear the weight
of being a crowd of non-entities whose only purpose is to be saved
from the Threat Of The Week."
Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass snorted, partly in amusement
at the other's cynically accurate assessment, but mostly in irritation
at the notion of a universe that had as a basic principle the need to
be unfair to people. *Well, that's true, I guess. It's not like I'm
the only one with problems.*
"Good old fashioned personal problems; the building blocks of
character development for the superheroes of the Modern Age of comics."
*Of course, some of us get more than we could ever need. Some-
times I can't help thinking about things like what happened to the
Legion of Occult Heroes. I've sat through a few of the showings of
the remembrance movie that was made in the final days before their
universe... died. And when other people bring up files I've been able
to read some of the reports of things that have happened to other
members of the Legion, like when Sig.Lad was dying because his powers
were destabilising; or when Decibel Dude was framed by Dr Oblivion.*
[In _Legion Of Occult Heroes_ #5, _Dvandom Force_ #s 43-48, and
_Decibel Dude And Vigilante Guy_ #s 31-40 - Footnote Girl]
*It's as though the Writers go out of their way to make their
characters miserable,* she concluded.
"Some of them do. I'd like to think that most of them are simply
writing to the best of their ability to create interesting stories,
but I'll admit that there have been times when I've found it hard to
tell whether they've been trying to use adversity as a means of
character development or as tool of sadism. I know that Swordmaster
thinks it's the latter."
*That would probably be the worst of it. Thinking that your
Writer was out to get you, I mean. There were times when I've thought
things like that - the whole world was out to get me - but this was
before I got my powers. Back then it was actually just a string of
stupid little things going wrong, really, and looking back they seem
pretty trivial compared to some of the things I've had to put up with
since I became Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass. But then after I
became a net.hero and broke the fourth wall, I realised that a whole
lot of what's wrong with the world is planned... And some of the first
things I started to wonder about was whether God hates us or some-
thing, or like, maybe the gnostics were right and the Devil really is
running the world.*
"I don't think the Writers are satanic," FWLass disagreed mildly.
"Sadistic sometimes, but not actually evil. The point is, deep down
inside, they don't really believe in us. No matter how much they
go on about how 'real' their characters are to them, in the end
they're talking in a pure literary sense, about how familiar with us
they are in the abstract. Like reading a book and getting to know the
characters so well that you can predict how they'll react to a given
situation - but in this case the Writers create the book rather than
*They often talk about how real we are to them.*
"Yes, but like I said, that's in the sense of knowing how a
character will react. Then they put on the pose about people getting
intuition from other dimensions and writing that history down as
fiction, like in the Heinlein stories and from DC comics and stuff.
But if the Writers really started hearing voices or getting strange
new ideas from literally nowhere, I can tell you now, they'd freak and
book themselves a session with a psychiatrist."
This set the two of them off with the giggles. After a few
seconds this tapered off, and FWLass added, "So, no, the Writers might
be malicious at times, but the situation isn't quite as knowingly evil
as it sometimes looks like. When you get right down to it, in their
heart of hearts none of them truly believe we're real, and I suspect
that they think that if they're inflicting pain on something that
doesn't really exist, it doesn't count as pain."
*You make them sound more like demiurges. You know, in the sense
that they're like some idiot gods thrashing about and doing stuff,
but not realising that they aren't actually the real and ultimate
creators - and that ultimately they're secondary creators and that all
of their antics are subject to God.*
Fourth Wall Lass thought about this. "That's a pretty good
description, actually. I usually think of them as 'demas', which is
a technical description that Anal-Retentive Archive Kid dug up from
somewhere. He's into comparative religion and mythology. It's supposed
to be a word that describes a god who shapes a pre-existing world, as
opposed to a god who created the world from nothing. But, yeah,
demiurges would be a better description."
*Actually, it took me ages to figure that out that much.*
"Figure what out?"
*That the Writers aren't literally God. Where I grew up it
wasn't... really considered proper to get involved with the activities
"Wrong side of the tracks, sort of thing?"
*A bit like that,* IIILass admitted. *Anyway, when you find out
about the Writers, it comes as a bit of a shock. Now, I got to sort
out the fourth wall thing fairly quickly because I could drift around
with the other net.heroes and pick up what was going on. Even if I had
to piece it all together myself because I couldn't ask questions!* she
added. *But, you can imagine what it's like for most normals who
aren't part of this world of high weirdness. They don't get all that
much information. If the villains talk at all they're usually making
misleading statements for their own purposes or issuing terrorist
threats, and the heroes tend to censor the seriously strange stuff
in their press releases. And stuff like the fourth wall, well, even
though that's public knowledge it's the type of thing that the Writers
don't allow to loom too large in the pubic consciousness, because it's
the type of thing that would cause society to shift too far away from
being recognisable as an only slightly different version of their
world in Real Life.*
"Oh yes," agreed FWL. "Just like Marvel and DC maintaining
shared universe settings that're easy for new readers to access. Even
allowing for the compressed time scales they've adopted to explain
why their heroes stay young, there's so much stuff that's happened in
their respective universes that they should look nothing like they do."
*You can see what I'm getting at, then.*
Fourth Wall Lass nodded. She could, and in fact it was something
that she considered often. She was the one member of the Legion
who broke the fourth wall because it was her superpower rather than
because it was an amusing plot point to entertain the readers, and she
was privy to information about how the world really worked that was
pretty esoteric even by net.hero standards. Moreover, her grasp of
comic book cliches and her literature study classes at Dave Thomas
Deluxe university gave her an insight into the forces shaping world
history that had nothing to do with the ones usually posited by
And sometimes FWLass worried that she might become so focused
on the interplay of plot, characterisation and drama that she might
loose track of how it looked to people who didn't know that they were
fiction. She made a habit of trying to see things from the normals'
point of view, simply to try and maintain her humanity.
*Anyway,* said IIILass. *I guess all those sorts of things are
why the Church of the Fourth Wall has such an attraction to some
people. The notion that the fourth wall is a danger, and that the
Church has ways to seal it off so that the nasty things on the other
side can't get us... That must be extremely appealing to anyone who
feels helpless against the bullying of the Writers.*
"If you're of the mindset that looks on the whole concept from a
Lovecraftian point of view."
*What, that the Looniearth is a small patch of light and sanity
in a huge dark world and there are terrible cosmic things out there
that we really don't want to know about?*
"That's the one."
*You don't buy it,* IIILass observed. It wasn't a question.
"No. I can see where they're coming from, but... No, I mean,
partly it's because I don't hold with the idea that the world is a
fundamentally bad place. Amoral on the physical level, maybe, and
subject to all the creative nastiness that the Writers can cook up,
definitely. But on a spiritual level it's like you said: it's all been
overseen by a good and loving God." Fourth Wall Lass gave her a
(Or at least, she would have given IIILass a sober look if she
had known where she was sitting. As it was, FWLass was only vaguely
aware that her invisible companion was sitting somewhere to her
immediate left. It's really hard to make eye contact with someone that
you can't see.)
"...As far as I'm concerned, the First Fallacy of the Church of
the Fourth Wall is that they've given up hope. They've taken to
thinking that they have to protect people from something that they
think is wrong and do it *at any cost*, and if they keep people from
knowing about the fourth wall then it'll just go away. Basically
they're hiding their heads under the blanket and are trying to pretend
that the 'bad things' just aren't there.
*Fair enough. And the other part of it?"
She shrugged. "The other is that I've seen the Church in action
and to be blunt I don't trust them any further than I can horizontally
defecate. It's like... Well, as I was telling Writers Block Woman and
the others when I caught up with them in issue 24, the Church is a
splinter group of a number of secret societies that preserve the
knowledge of crossing the fourth wall that was brought to Earth by
alien comic book writers. I first found out about the fourth wall when
the Church made an attack on one of the other groups that it had been
estranged from after it took the paranoid path. Having seen some of
what the Church gets up to, I think that closing off the fourth wall
is only its first priority and then after that it has taking over the
world and generally being tyrannical psychopathic nutburgers running
a close second." They might talk a lot about protecting people,
but I've noticed that they tend to shrug off collateral damage as
*Sounds like a good example of something that Neddy Thunderbox
used to say."
Fourth Wall Lass paused as she tried to keep up with the sudden
change of direction in the conversation. Neddy Thunderbox. He'd been
with the Society of Wireless Heroes, who were one of the hero groups
that were about prior to the Legion. Dvandom Force was supposed to
have visited a parallel Looniearth were the Society were still active.
She searched her memory for anything about Neddy and his catchphrases
that were relevant. She hazarded: " 'I suffer fools gladly because I'm
one of them'?"
*Actually, I was thinking of: 'Always judge a man by the way he
treats someone who is of no use to him.'*
Fourth Wall Lass hadn't realised that that was a saying that he'd
favoured, but she savoured the philosophy behind it. "Yes. That's a
Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass continued, *So, the Church
has been corrupted by their own fears to become an organisation of
hate. Not just hate against the fourth wall, but hate in general.*
"That's about the size of it," FWLass sighed. Then she poked out
her tongue and went, "Ppphhht. How about we change the subject. Just
thinking about those ninny's makes me angry. What was it you said
about meeting sleeping people?"
*Oh. Uhm. I can communicate with people when they're dreaming.
The Perfect Stranger told me I could do that if I tried.*
"Really? You mean, actually talk with people, and have them talk
back? But wouldn't you be able to meet people and stuff and not be so
*Well, yes. Kind of. But people who are dreaming usually aren't
always all that coherent. And they never seem to remember me after
they've woken up.*
"That sounds like more of that arbitrary hard luck that's been
dumped on you."
*The same thing had occurred to me as well,* IIILass agreed.
*Still, it's kind of nice being able to help people. Sometimes when
they're having bad dreams I can kind of talk them into... well, it's
not quite straight lucid dreaming, but sort of having a bit more
control over what's going on. And I get to hang out with Cheesecake-
Eater Lad, too."
"Cheesecake-Eater Lad?" said FWLass, somewhat bemused.
*He's so sweet. And I don't just mean because of all the sugar in
his cheesecakes, either. He cares about people, and he's always
working so hard. But he never remembers me when he's awake. Or at
least, he's never mentioned me. But I often visit him in his dreams,
and we go dancing and walking along the beach and stuff.*
Fourth Wall Lass had never considered C-ELad along romantic
lines. Probably this was because she was already involved with
someone, but the fact was that Cheesecake-Eater Lad was a bit on the
tubby side (and this despite all the ninjitsu training he did under
Ultimate Ninja!). Still, girls were more likely to choose a boyfriend
based on what type of person he was rather than whether he looked like
a sex god, and FWL had to admit that C-ELad was not only a Legion
mainstay - competent and dependable - but he was also perennially good
"And he never remembers you?"
"Would you like me to tell him?"
Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass baulked. *I... don't think so.
I mean, how would you react if you were told someone you could never
see, or hear, or touch had a crush on you?*
"I see what you mean. But, look at it this way: if he never knows
about you, what would happen to you if he went and became romantically
involved with someone else?"
Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass cringed at the thought.
Fourth Wall Lass bit her lip and said, "Sorry. Look, just think
about it, okay? In the meantime, how about I have a talk with Dr.
Stomper about your condition. That, at least, should be something
clear cut and easy to handle."
*It should be,* IIILass said wryly, *but I wouldn't be too sure.*
Just then Gorilla Grad interrupted: "Okay people, it's done! The
cure for Legionnaire's Disease is ready!"
IS THE CURE REALLY READY?
DOES THIS MEAN THAT THE END OF THIS CASCADE IS
FINALLY IN SIGHT?
OR WILL THE WRITERS PROCRASTINATE BY DWELLING
ON THE SUBPLOTS WE'VE ALREADY GOT AND THEN
COMPOUND THE PROBLEM BY CREATING MORE?
We'll just have to see: in the next issue of... Birth Of A Villain!
I'll mention this mainly for Fourth Wall Lass' benefit since I
know she'll be reading this, but it's also general advice for other
Writer's too: attempts to cure Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass of
her condition are almost guaranteed to go Horribly Wrong - probably
fatally so depending on how much effort is put into them. Curing her
of being Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass won't revert her to
normal, or anything like that. It'll just cause her to cease to be.
(Why, yes, this is another of the aforementioned instances of a Writer
being creatively nasty. Why do you ask? :-)
On other issues: the discussion of the social and religious role
of the Church of the Fourth Wall is something that Rob Rogers brought
up ages ago - in both the public forum and in private email - after
introducing the Church into the BoaV cascade. The nature of Fourth
Wall Lass' powers makes it obvious that she'd be keenly interested
in the issue. However, as I've tried to illustrate, there are other
possible sides to the debate - many of them depending on a particular
character's relationship with their Writer. (Remember how many
character's have taken the opportunity of visiting the RACCCafe to
mouth off about their Writers? Or even to do them in, like Swordmaster
Finally, the Neddy Thunderbox quotes were put in during the week
in April when I first started writing this episode, which was also
when the news of the death of Harry Secombe came out. Secombe, of
course, used the nom de guerre of Neddy Seagoon for The Goon Show
radio comedies and is therefore the person (once removed) that Dvandom
based Neddy Thunderbox on. I'd known about the 'He suffered fools
gladly because he was one' quip he made about himself, but I didn't
realise until I'd read the obituaries that he'd favoured the other
aphorism, which he had inherited from his father. Since Thunderbox
is supposed to be a super*hero*, I thought it would be appropriate if
in addition to Seagoon's jovial but blathering idiocy, he also had a
touch of Secombe's empathy for others.
Saxon Brenton Uni of Technology, city library, Sydney, Australia
saxon.brenton at uts.edu.au
From: "Martin Phipps" <phippsmartin at hotmail.com>
Subject: [LNH] Birth of a Villain #36
Date: 15 Aug 2001 06:46:51 -0000
Birth Of A Villain #36
a chaotic add-on cascade type Legion of Net.Heroes title
"The Conclusion (?)"
Written by Martin Phipps with no one there to stop him!
Cover has wReamicus Maximus and Father Brown shaking hands
with Bill Clinton in the background.
As usually happens in the Looniverse, events are ultimately decided by
committee, namely a committee of writers from the real world. In this
particular case, however, the vast majority of writers appeared to have lost
interest in the various Melissa clones. This then ultimately resulted in
one ultimate fate for all the Melissa clones, one which struck the fancy of
the only writer who was apparently interested in seeing the story to its
ultimate conclusion: the Melissa clones all became amorous Filipinas who
went around Manila saying "I love you" to all the men they met and causing
them to momentarily erase from their minds all memory of their wives and
families. The Melissas were finally brought to justice, however, when the
mayor of Manila ordered another crackdown against that sort of thing!
Doctor Stomper found himself in a small canoe on a lake. He sat there
silently and motionlessly. Then he heard a voice.
"Wake up, my boy!"
Doctor Stomper noticed oars on either side of the boat. He placed his
hands on the oars.
"That's it, boy! You can do it!"
Doctor Stomper brought the canoe to shore. He looked up at the man who
had called to him. He wasn't very tall so the reeds along the shore
obscured all but the part of him that was above the waist. He was an old
man, but still healthy, which was all the more surprising because he was
"Yes, boy, it's me!"
"Am I dead?"
"No, you're dreaming."
"But you might as well be dead already, son, if you're not going to wake
"Grandpa, I'm tired. I feel as though there's something in me making
copies of itself and sending out e-mail to all my friends."
"Yeah, that's the Legionaire's Disease," the vision told him. "But
Gorilla Grad thinks he's got a cure for you and the others, but you have to
fight it, my boy! They can't bring you back if you don't fight."
"I don't know," Doctor Stomper said. "I'm not a major player in the LNH.
I never was. I never even appeared in Cry.sig. Hell, the person I was
based on, he hasn't even been on the net since May of 1992!"
"And if he were here now he'd say that it was completely out of character
for you to be whining like this!"
"Thing is, do they really need me anymore!"
The vision shook his head. "My God, son, did you even read the last issue
of this series? Don't you realise how dry the pseudoscience for this
reality is becoming without your entertaining explanations? Do they need
you? My God, son, they need you more than they've ever needed you before!
Now you get out of that boat and come step onto shore!"
Doctor Stomper nodded. "I'm coming, Pops!" He struggled to get out of
"That's it, my boy, you're doing great!"
"I can barely feel my legs."
"Come on, you can do it!"
"Come on, Doctor, come back to us!"
Doctor Stomper opened his eyes. Around him stood Gorilla Grad, Tsar
Chasm, Weirdness Magnet, Pedestrian Girl, Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad,
Expendable Man, Fourth Wall Lass, Twaeila Brock, Mouse, Insomnia Boy, Easily
Siscovered Man Lite, Coward Lad, Google-13, DeadHead Man and Chinese Guy; in
other words, the entire cast of the past thirty-five issues, with the
exception of Writers Block Woman who was sitting elsewhere in the room with
Mr. Tiddles on her lap.
"You did it!" several cast members told Gorilla Grad.
Gorilla Grad nodded. "We need to give this to all of them," he said,
refering to the special mixture of Dr. Paprika and Jolt Cola. "But be
careful! Make sure the solution is only 25% Jolt Cola! Anything more than
that could be dangerous!"
"Congratulations!" Tsar Chasm said. "Of course, you realise that I will
have to leave now. The Legion considers me a villain and if any of them
were to wake up and find me by their bedside there might be an unfortunate
"Of course," Gorilla Grad said. He offered his hand. "If we see you
again, I hope it can be as friends."
"I wouldn't count on that," Tsar Chasm said, refusing the handshake.
Gorilla Grad went back to tending to Doctor Stomper.
Over the next few days, the Legionaires were slowly came out of their
comas. As it turned out that Legionaires disease was not life threatening
and, given time, the Legionaires would have all have woken up on their own
accord. In fact, none of them had been out for more than a week when all
was said and done. Yes, that's right, the past thirty-five issues all took
place in a matter of a few days, which meant that it was still 1999 (much to
the confusion of Weirdness Magnet who seemed to think it was 2001 already).
Meanwhile, with the LNH back in action, the Legion of Costumed Individuals
(Pedestrian Girl, Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad and Expendable Man) made their
way back to their home dimension and Twaeila Brock similarly returned to
With things having settled down, Tiddles, who still had control over
Writers Block Woman, considered the situation he found himself in. He
realised that is would look a bit strange to have Writers Block Woman flying
into action with a cat in her arms... and God forbid she should drop him!
Nor had he quite figured out how to manipulate Writers Block Woman such that
nobody would suspect that he was actually in control; after all, it was one
thing to fool Insomnia Lad, DeadHead Man and Chinese Guy but what about the
rest of the Legion? Or mouse, for that matter?
After checking Writers Block Woman's entry in the LNH roster, however, and
following the link to her daughter, Mouse, Tiddles was able to determine
that Writers Block Woman was, in fact, the ex-wife of Jonathan Connery, the
Director of the Conspiracy Corporation, the second largest corporation in
the world. Tiddles soon realised that, short of getting Writers Block Woman
and her husband back together again, there was no way he could use Writers
Block Woman to gain control of the Conspiracy Corporation. Mouse, however,
was another story.
>From what Tiddles had been able to determine, it seemed Writers Block Woman
and Jonathon Connery shared custody of Mouse. Thus, all Tiddles had to do
was take control of Mouse, leaving Writers Block Woman with a big gaping
hole in her memory but otherwise no more the wiser, and then just bide his
time until Mouse's next trip to Net.Zealand. Tiddles purred with delight.
Being in control of the world's second biggest corporation was certainly a
lot better than being in control of some small time crime syndicate!
Tiddles had Writers Block Woman bring him into Mouse's room. He then
instructed her to leave him there, go back to her room and go to sleep.
Mouse found her mother's behaviour a bit strange.
"Mom? Why did you bring a cat in here? Mom?"
=( She can't hear you. )=
"Who said that?"
Tiddles jumped up on Mouse's bed. =( I did. )=
"Whoa!" Mouse said. "I guess I shouldn't have watched Doctor Doolittle
before going to bed!"
=( You're not dreaming. )=
"Oh and I suppose you are a talking cat."
=( You hear my voice as a result of my powerful mind projecting its
thoughts into your brain. I am Tiddles. I am your master. )=
"You must be joking."
=( I am not! I am a superior intellect! You will do as I say! )=
"You must have me confused with somebody else. I think for myself! I
don't take orders from anyone, let alone a cat!"
=( I am no ordinary cat. I am Tiddles. )=
"And I'm Mouse." She shook his paw. He felt humiliated. "Nice to meet
you, except that mice don't like cats... and now I can understand why."
=( Enough of this! You will take me to Net.Zealand where I can use your
father to take over the Conspiracy Corporation. )=
"I don't think so. I'm quite happy here with Mom and all my friends in
the LNH. Now, why couldn't you just be an ordinary housecat?"
=( Ha! Someday cats will rule the world! You'll see! )=
"Fine. Until then why don't you just go to the kitchen and get a nice
bowl of milk. Hmm?"
With a hiss, Tiddles ran out of the room, out of LNH HQ and out into the
night, perhaps never to be seen again.
Of course, you might be wondering what happened with wRreamicus Maximus
and his church of Dvandom in his on again, off again battle with Father
Brown and the Church of the Fourth Wall who were at one point allying
themselves with the Nodacommandos. Well, unfortunity, due to the separation
of church and state and the freedom of religion, both guaranteed by the
constitution of the Loonited States of Ame.rec.a, there was nothing the LS
government could do about either group. Instead, the government offered to
negotiate a settlement.
After months of intense negotiations, the two church leaders were brought to
Camp David where a beaming President Clinton, always thinking about his
legacy, got the two of them to sign an agreement to cease hostilities and to
not try to bring any writer, neither Dave Van Domelan nor David Henry,
through the fourth wall to the Looniverse. The two church leaders then
agreed to shake hands. They met again in early 2000 when they shared that
year's Nobel Peace Prize.
It remains to be seem, however, if the two churches, with their
diametrically opposed beliefs and points of view, would continue to coexist
peacefully. That's life: you can't expect that everything will have a neat
and tidy conclusion.
THE END (?)
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Next Week: Nope still not over!! Part Fifteen!!
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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