LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #73: Birth Of A Villain Part Thirteen
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Aug 12 13:28:16 PDT 2018
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the thirteenth section of a Birth Of A Villain.
And joining the Birth of a Villain cascade for the first time
with #33 is John "uplink" Scheibeler who brings in his character
Opinionated Lad to express the opinion that maybe there are too
many Birth of a Villain issues. Just Maybe.
And with #34 Saxon Brenton comes back with a brand spanking
new Time Crapper. But who is this Time Crapper? Don't worry.
This is Saxon Brenton issue and he'll not only explain who this
Time Crapper is, but will also explain who the previous three Time
Crapper's were (or are (or will be?)).
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
Birth Of A Villain Part Thirteen
Date: 10 Apr 2001 07:34:46 -0000
From: "uplink" <uplink989 at hotmail.com>
Subject: [LNH] Birth of a Villain, part... too many.
Okay, what has gone before:
I have no idea, I wasn't reading the newsgroup.
Opinionated Lad kicked back in the easy chair, finally comfortable in
his favorite place to sit, overlooking the entire Looniverse. Before him in
the huge, cavernous room, walls of monitors showed everything that was going
on. And I mean EVERYTHING. Even the stuff you thought no one knew about.
If Santa Claus saw this monitor wall, he'd weep for joy that finally there
was a device that would reveal who was nice, and who was naughty... and how
much the naughty ones charged.
Next to him, a plain ordinary wooden table, supporting the weight of a
ceramic plate, an uneaten hero sandwich, an uneaten pickle, an undrunk can
of a soft drink which was Opinionated Lad's favorite drink, chilled, but the
writer has forgotten the name of, much to Opinionated Lad's eternal disgust,
and an opened bag of chips. Net weight of the bag of chips 15 ounces, a big
bag. Sour cream and jalapeno flavoured.
Well, the table couldn't actually be called ordinary, because it
supported its burden without visible means of support. No, this did not
mean the table floated above the floor, sans legs, in fact the small table
had legs, four of them, quite sturdy ones. It was the floor that was
missing. Opinionated Lad, the overstuffed easy chair, and the table all
hung in space, as if the force of gravity had tried to impress upon
Opinionated Lad that no matter what his Opinion was, gravity would always
win, and the Opinionated One merely Opined that gravity was wrong.
Which is exactly what had happened.
The monitors, as stated before, showed him everything there was to see
operating in all the Looniverse. Past, present, alternate futures,
everything was available for Opinionated Lad to become aware of. With
these, Opinionated Lad could surpass even the Voyeur as the man who knew
everything about the Looniverse. Unfortunately, Opinionated Lad only ever
used the monitor wall for one reason.
To watch porn.
Ralph walked in. For those of you who don't know Ralph, too bad. I'm
not going to explain who he is and why he's here. It would take far too
long. It is in fact a great and fascinating story, that is, Ralph's story,
of how he got to be where he is, and if I told it to you, I'm sure you would
read all 2,781 parts, and then, having read the entire tale from beginning
to end, sit, and weep, the single tear rolling from your eye signifying that
you have read one of the Great Works, one of the few stories that will last
forever though the ages, a classic tale destined to greatness. But I'm not
going to tell it to you, because I'm a bastard.
"Hey, Oh-El, what's up?" Ralph raised his hand to Opinionated Lad, who
floated a few inches above the floor in front of him. (I never said how far
up he was.) "Watching porn again, eh?" Ralph chuckled. As the man who --
oh, no, I'm not going to tell YOU what he does -- Ralph was familiar with
Opinionated Lad's habits. Having been in the facility that housed the
Monitor Wall since before Opinionated Lad came here, Ralph had had ample
time to become used to the new owner's quirks and fetishes. Although Ralph
was a bit disappointed that Opinionated Lad didn't like whips and ... er,
If the Opinionator noticed Ralph's approach, he didn't make any outward
sign. Well, actually, he did make an outward sign. And yes, I guess he did
notice Ralph's approach, since he made an outward sign. "Ralph, good,
you're here. Look in the other monitors and tell me what's going on in the
Looniverse. Am I needed? Is the power of Opinionated Lad needed once
Ralph looked up. As one of the rare individuals who could -- ah,
thought you could trick me, did you? I'm certainly not going to tell YOU
what Ralph can do -- Ralph related what he saw on the various screens to
Opinionated Lad. "A group of LNH'ers are stuck in 1984. A horde of strange
girls or bugs or clones or viruses are threatening them. New writers have
no clue what's going on. And apparently someone's registering old LNH
writers. The activity of Usenet is dying, and AOL's share has gone up five
points since lunchtime. It's 72 degrees in Vienna, and you haven't touched
"Same old same old, then?"
"Yup, sure looks like it."
Opinionated Lad nodded. "Good, because they're showing a Jenna Jameson
marathon in ten minutes, and I don't want to miss it."
With that, Ralph nodded, and walked out of the cavernous room.
There was a point to this scene, but it was on the top of Ralph's head,
and he's left the room.
ANNOUNCER: WILL --
Opinionated Lad: SHUT THE HECK UP! My marathon's starting!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
1 pr. mismatched leather gloves: $50
White Ford Bronco: $25,000
Johnny Cochrane's fees: $1 million
Killing your wife and her lover and getting away with it: Priceless
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else...
From: Saxon Brenton <saxon.brenton at uts.edu.au>
Subject: [LNH] Birth Of A Villain #34
Date: 11 Apr 2001 23:24:11 -0000
Having tried the use the handbrake, only to have it break off,
Blue Light Productions careens out of control into:
Birth Of A Villain #34
a chaotic add-on cascade type Legion of Net.Heroes title
"Indulgent Exposition And Plot Development"
Written by Saxon Brenton with plotting conspiracy^H^H^H assistance
from Rob Rogers
Cover has a ground level image of highway sign saying 'Welcome To
Sig.ago'. Behind the sign the skyscrapers of the city can be seen
faintly, as if obscured by smog or an impenetrable force field.
Fourth Wall Lass rolled over, stretched, and yawned.
"Here," somebody said, handing her a bottle of Mr Paprika. "This
should help stave off the effects of Legionnaire's Disease."
"Oh? I thought it was just lack of sleep..." murmured FWLass
blearily and took a sip.
"Your exhaustion acted as an inroad for the coma effects of the
Disease. The Mr Paprika increases serotonin levels to stave it off."
[As was noted in _Birth Of A Villain_ #26 - Footnote Girl] "You'd
need to be a serious addict... I mean, consumer... to build up an
innate tolerance from a soft drink though, so you'll need to keep
drinking the stuff. You can ask Tsar Chasm or Gorilla Grad for the
exact mechanics of it if you want."
"Ah, okay," she said, taking a second sip. And then did a
spittake as she saw who she was talking to. "The Time Crapper!"
"Careful. You'll spill your drink."
"What are you doing here!?"
"A number of things. At the moment I'm getting you awake enough
to join the others at the LNHHQ. Here. You'll need to give Gorilla
Grad this sample of the Potion of Commotion," the Crapper said,
handing her another bottle, this one marked in the italics lettering
of psuedo-olde worlde writing saying: 'Thee Potion Off Commotion'.
"Unfortunately he still thinks that Vector's powers derive solely from
the technology that was stolen from Dr Stomper. He'll need this if he
wants to develop a cure."
She glared at him. "Fine then. 'Ask as silly question'. *Why*
are you doing this? Why do you want Gorilla Grad to find a cure?"
The Crapper replied simply, "You need a cure if the Legion is
to defeat the Church of the Fourth Wall, and especially wReamicus
"That's not an answer. What's in it for *you*? Revenge? wReamicus
screwed up you plans during Retcon Hour, as I recall."
"Actually, that was the Time Crappers 1 and 2. My reasons, if you
really must know, are more primal. My existence will be threatened if
wReamicus Maximus succeeds in his plans."
This threw Fourth Wall Lass off balance for a second. "Is this
some part of the convoluted origin thing that Tom Russell foisted on
Useless Powers Lad when he learned that he was going to become you in
his future?" [_Teenfactor_ #15-16 - Footnote Girl]
"No. That was the third Time Crapper."
"Third? But... Oh no... Brenton's finally gone and carried out
his threat to have a Time Crapper analogue for each version of the
Time Trapper that's been running around in DC's Legion comics ever
since the first Jim Shooter written issues back in the Silver Age,
hasn't he?" She hastily tried to remember the theory behind it all.
The First Time Crapper was the villain GreenRingwraith who had
been turned into the Crapper just as the anonymous villainous
scientist had taken on the identity of the Trapper to escape into the
future and hide behind his Iron Curtain of Time. The second Crapper
was literally a mobile pile of excrement, paralleling the 1980s era
Trapper who had been the cosmic embodiment of entropy, both without
any human origin. More recently Useless Powers Lad had discovered it
was his destiny to become the Crapper, and this matched up with the
revelations in Zero Hour that Rokk Krinn - Cosmic Boy of the Legion
of Super Heroes - would take on the mantle of the Trapper and be
corrupted by it. "That means you're either the first-and-a-half
Crapper," she said, "or the fourth one; the female one from the end
of Zero Hour. The Glorith analogue... Oh no."
The fourth Time Crapper pulled back her hood. "Surprise," she
Yep, it was another one o' them thar pesky Melissa-clones.
Fourth Wall Lass put her face in her hands and went, "No no no no
no no no no no no."
"Enough of this," said the Crapper briskly. "I have brought
you here outside of time to give you a few hours sleep to recover
from your exhaustion, and used my powers over time to accelerate
your metabolism slightly to overcome the lagging effects of the
Legionnaire's Disease. It will wear off shortly. I will send you to
the LNHHQ were you will find Tsar Chasm and his team, and you will
tell them about the full origin and nature of Vector's power and the
elements that went into synthesising the Legionnaire's Disease."
"Legionnaire's Disease is lag-related then?"
"In part, yes of course. After all, it fills up the spaces
within and between you - making you slow and sluggish."
"I wonder if the Net.Elementalist's powers could be used to
help," FWLass mused.
"Possibly. It would help to ward off infection. The lagging is
only the initial effect, though. Once the person has been lagged and
falls asleep, it has a completely different effect. An effect on the
mind. Now, go."
And with that Fourth Wall Lass vanished from outside of time.
"It's frustrating," said Gorilla Grad. "I know I memorised every
bit of the information that the Acolyte revealed to me when I was
being held captive." [In _Birth Of A Villain_ #9 - Footnote Girl] "But
something seems to be missing."
"Maybe he was holding out on you about something," suggested Lad.
"That would seem to be the case," agreed the Simian Scientist.
"But considering he thought me helpless, why would he bother?"
"Probably because the Acolyte is wReamicus Maximus, and wReamicus
Maximus loves chaos," offered Fourth Wall Lass, who had arrived a few
seconds earlier and had heard the preceding utterances. "I think he
goes out of his was to be deceptive and to reveal half-truths, and
generally be twisted and unpredictable, just to keep in practice."
Tsar Chasm raised an eyebrow behind his killer shades. "Well,
hello Fourth Wall Lass. What brings you here? Your log note said you
were heading off to help find the Lotion of Emotion."
"I did, but I got captured by wReamicus. Now I've been yanked out
of that and sent here by one of the Time Crappers to tell you that
Vector's powers were developed from a combination of Stomper Tech and
the Potion of Commotion, of which this," and she handed the bottle to
Gorilla Grad, "is supposed to be a sample. She also said part of the
effect of the Legionnaire's Disease is lag-based, but that's only the
"I had deduced the lag effect," said Gorilla Grad as took the
bottle over to the workbench of the lab for examination. "Vector's
claim back in issue 3 that she and her numerous iterations would fill
up the spaces within us turns out to have been more than a metaphor.
The Legionnaire's Disease seems to create a form of 'information
congestion' analogous to lag in the body's neural system, causing
people to fall into a coma. I've theorised that the blocking powers of
Writers Block Woman repel the congestion altogether. By comparison,
Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass seems to make the congestion pass
through the bodies of the people she's protecting so that it doesn't
affect them, essentially making them immune to the congestion even
though the congestion is still permeating their material forms."
Meanwhile, Tsar Chasm was frowning at something that FWLass had
said. " 'She'?" he asked.
"Long story. This Crapper was a Melissa-clone. She seems to think
that unless we put a stop to wReamicus she'll be in danger. She didn't
specify how. I'd hazard a guess that now that the Church of the Fourth
Wall has split with wReamicus over summoning Dave Van Domelen into
the Looniverse and re-allied itself with the Nodakommandos to try and
summon David R. Henry instead, that she thinks wReamicus will try and
disrupt the plans of everybody else and kill them out of revenge.
Which isn't an unreasonable guess, I suppose."
"*What*!?" exclaimed Tsar Chasm.
"She said, the Time Crapper was a Melissa-clone," repeated Lad.
"No! Not that! The Church of the Fourth Wall was working with
wReamicus, and now it's working with the Nodakommandos?"
"Yes," affirmed FWLass.
*No honour among thieves, then,* commented IIILass.
For a half second Fourth Wall Lass was looking at nothing in the
air above their heads, then replied, "You're right, Invisible-
Intangible-Inaudible Lass. There isn't. The Church of the Fourth Wall
was being silly to have tried to work with wReamicus' Church of
*You can hear me?*
Again a fraction of a second of staring into space. "No. And I
can't see you either. But I can read the captions and thought
balloons, so I know you're here."
Tsar Chasm, meanwhile, had brought up an image on the monitors.
"Look. This is a satellite photo of Sig.ago, which has been sealed off
since the Church's gambit began."
They all stared in amazement. Lad whistled. It wasn't just a shot
of Sig.ago, however, but of northern Illa.net. The city and a large
chunk of the surrounding state and adjacent Lake Mi.sig.an was sealed
off inside the shimmering of an absolutely sodding enormous force
"Heap big juju," said Authorial.
"I'll say," said Fourth Wall Lass. "That sort of thing would go a
long way towards explaining why wReamicus said he was so short of
readily available resources. That thing would be, what, a hundred
"Just over one fifty, actually," said Tsar Chasm. It's about
ninety miles from Sig.ago to the Dvandom Force base, and the dome is
centred between them to totally cover them both. What I want to check
is... Yes. It looks like the security cordon around that dome has
largely been abandoned - and recently."
"Well, except for that giant dragon encircling the city and
making like Ouroboros with its tail in its mouth," Narcoleptic Lad
*It's got red hair. Three guesses where it came from.*
"IIILass thinks it's another Melissa-clone," Fourth Wall Lass
"That wouldn't surprise me," said Tsar Chasm. "It certainly
wasn't there earlier."
"So, what, the Church of the Fourth Wall was chased away by the
dragon?" asked Lad. "Or they went because they're not in cahoots with
wReamicus and his Church of Dvandom?
"A good question," said Tsar Chasm. "The answer would rest on why
they sealed of Sig.ago in the first place. It hasn't just been sealed
off by that dome. Look at these readings on the 'white noise' that are
the indicators of Legionnaire's Disease. There's more than twice the
intensity of the Disease in there than there is in Net.ropolis. For
some reason, they went for overkill in trying to make sure that the
long-winded city stayed out of touch with the rest of the world."
"I overheard wReamicus tell Father Brown that he was trying to
lure as many LNHers as possible into this storyline," offered Gorilla
Grad as he continued his work. "But he also said that he didn't want
Dvandom Force becoming involved under any circumstances." [Also back
in _Birth Of A Villain_ #9 - Footnote Girl]
*Well, he does worship Dvandom,* said IIILass. *Maybe he holds
Dvandom's characters in such high regard that he doesn't want the hurt
in the cross fire,* she suggested. Fourth Wall Lass duly relayed this
on to the others.
"He said it was vital to his plan," Gorilla Grad disagreed.
"If he's summoning Dvandom, maybe he needs them as focuses for
the process, or batteries for it, or something," suggested Lad. "You
know, then he'd put them out of action and collect them later as his
plan firms up."
"No, that's silly," countered Authorial. "The bad guys have been
trying desperately to keep us heroes all under control ever since
Vector made her first move. It hasn't worked. If they had needed
Dvandom Force for something as important as the main element of their
plot, then they would have collected them right from the start, rather
than wasting time and giving us the rest of us the opportunity to
throw spanners in their works. They want Dvandom Force out of the way
because for some reason they're *scared* that they'll get involved."
"I'm inclined to agree," mused Tsar Chasm. "But then, why are
"Hey, Dvandom Force are a pretty tough bunch. They've taken on
Master Workload and DeFacto V," Narcoleptic Lad said.
"Yes, but the rest of the Legion has it's power houses too. And
to be blunt, the enemies you face don't really factor into it, since
Writers are almost always partisan and any group can be made to
triumph over almost any odds if the Writer can think up an even semi-
plausible explanation for it. I'm suddenly having flashbacks to
scores of old Spiderman stories where he defeats some villain vastly
more powerful than himself simply because he's the hero." He shook
his head, obviously irritated at the mental image.
It occurred to more than one of the Legionnaires present that
Tsar Chasm might also be recalling the times when he had lost, simply
because he was the villain.
"No matter," said the Master of Put-Downs. "The triumph of fanboy
logic over substance isn't what's important here. Grad, how's it
"Quite well. The Potion seems to be the missing ingredient. It
looks like Vector's powers were indeed the result of a combination
of Dr Stomper's technology and the Potion's mystical properties.
The combination - or at least, this particular combination of the
two - seems to be unstable, which would also explain why a significant
minority if the Melissa-clones have mutated out of control." A thought
occurred to him. "I wonder if the Acolyte of Dvandom did that
deliberately as a way of undermining the Church of the Fourth Wall at
the same time he was seeming to offer aid."
Narcoleptic Lad yawned. "I wouldn't put it past him," he said
before nodding off again.
Gorilla Grad nodded darkly at this, then returned to the subject
at hand. "In any case, I estimate it will only be a short while before
the cure is properly synthesised."
"Good," responded Tsar Chasm. "If we can wake the rest of the
Legion, especially the Writer Characters, we stand a solid chance of
preventing the collapse of the first through third walls." [A threat
that was revealed in _Birth Of A Villain_ #23 - Footnote Girl]
.oO( And if nothing else, ) Tsar Chasm thought, ( if I can wake
up Ultimate Ninja, or Fearless Leader, or any other halfway competent
LNHer, I can dump this mess in their lap and get the net.hell out of
this storyline. ) Involuntarily his fists clenched. It wasn't that he
was finding the situation unpleasant or onerous. Quite the opposite.
He was disturbed to find himself enjoying things. Giving orders.
Rallying the troops. Being in command.
Tsar Chasm was beginning to suspect that he was on the verge
becoming addicted, once again, to the unquenchable urge to (yes Pinky)
Take Over The World.
That was a worrying thought, and Tsar Chasm deliberately thrust
it aside, even as Fourth Wall Lass worked hard to pretend that she
hadn't read that particular thought balloon and narrative caption.
Tsar Chasm turned to Lad and Authorial. "I'd like you two to take
one of the flight.thingys and head over to Sig.ago to check out what
conditions are like inside the dome."
"How will we get in?" Authorial asked.
"Oh, that's easy. It's turned permeable. I'd say that without
full effort being constantly applied to keep it solid, it's simply too
large to maintain it's cohesion"
Gorilla Grad nodded and put in, "I would hypothesise that unless
the Church makes efforts to strengthen it, it will probably dissipate
entirely within a few days."
"Okay then," said Authorial.
"Hold up!" protested Lad. "What about the dragon?"
"I think she's sated," Tsar Chasm replied. He fiddled with the
image of northern Illa.net until it zoomed in on the dragon's head,
which was resting near Lake Mi.sig.an with its tail in its mouth.
Nearby there was the remains of a large cargo ship lying on the
shoreline, which had clearly been bitten in half. "Now that she's
fed, she should sleep for a while. But if you want to take extra
precautions, swing around to approach from the south-west, on the
opposite side of the dome."
"And what do the rest of us do?" Fourth Wall Lass asked.
Tsar Chasm shrugged. "We wait. There's a few other things I'd
like to tidy up while we're waiting for the cure to decant: try and
contact Writers Block Woman's group again; do a surveillance search
to see if the personnel who were embargoing Sig.ago have turned up
anywhere else... Probably they were a squad of Melissas who merged
back together for easy distance travel, and then hightailed it back
to the Church's headquarters of Washington.net. Whatever. But for the
most part, the cure will be the most important thing, and for that,
WHAT PLANS DID wREAMICUS HAVE FOR DVANDOM FORCE?
WILL THERE FINALLY BE A CURE TO WAKE THE LNH?
WILL TSAR CHASM SUCCUMB TO THE URGE TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?
Eh, maybe. We'll have to see, perhaps in the next episode of:
Birth Of A Villain.
Saxon Brenton Uni of Technology, city library, Sydney, Australia
saxon.brenton at uts.edu.au
Next Week: It's Birth of a Villain Time!!! (Part Fourteen)!!!!
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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