LNH20: Bite-Size Tales of the LNH v20 #16: "Memetic Mutation"
pwerdna at gmail.com
Tue Aug 7 12:11:48 PDT 2018
Times are hard on the world of Earth-20! The malign artificial intellect known as Ultravac is in control of many of the systems that run America! But the Legion of Net.Heroes isn't going to let that stop them from fighting evil!
"Which Ultravac knows," grumbled Alexis Montescue, AKA the amazing Bard of the Battle Theme, "so he lets us take care of anybody who'd mess with his stuff and then sends agents to pick us off after the battle."
"Which is why there's only two of us in a two-seater active-camo lightflyer going to fight this giant robot," said Apoena Goulão, AKA the mighty Captain Minority.
Alexis carefully landed the stealth.thingy in the grassy field, next to the highway just outside Netropolis. "This giant cybernetic-duck-shaped robot. To be precise."
Apoena shaded her eyes. "Shaped, even more precisely, like... Psychovant the Duck, from the popular kids' cartoon The Delirious Adventures of Psychovant and the Gang?"
"But who's in the robot?"
"Fools!" echoed a voice projected from speakers high above. "Plebeians! Be gone like thoughts!"
Apoena squinted. "I think I recognize that voice. Isn't that... the Socially Awkward Pangolin?"
"Turn over the city's strategic supply of scandium, or all your basic infrastructure will belong to me!" broadcast the robot, stomping its feet and flapping its wings. "I crave that element!"
Alexis raised her eyebrows. "Isn't he a joke villain? Like, doesn't he just mess up memes?"
Apoena raised a finger dramatically in the air! "Don't underestimate the destructive power of miscommunication!" ...she dropped the finger and shrugged. "But yeah, I have no idea."
"Acton Lord literally said I was useless!" squacked the robot. "But go on, I'm sure! Who's useless now?"
"We should probably still stop him, though."
"Right!" Alexis leapt out of the lightflyer. She unsheathed her keytar, tapping into the musical might of the Bard of the Battle Theme, and started playing Space Jam by the Quad City DJs.
Apoena felt the power of southern hip-hop fill her muscles, and leapt into the air at the giant robot. But the powers of Captain Minority are weaker when she's going two-on-one, so her mighty punch tore at the metal skin without affecting the systems beneath!
"It's her!" The robot spun, firing energy beams from Psychovant's exposed cartoon brain.
"Who?" Apoena dodged, whizzing left and right, and attempted to grab the giga-Psychovant by the tail.
"I don't know! But she's an accursed net.hero!" The fluffy duck butt twitched and threw Captain Minority in the air. "I diagnose you with I shall destroy you!" The enormous wings twisted and swatted Apoena out of the air.
"Oh shoot!" Alexis switched gears and managed to play a few bars of Happy Landings by the Temptations before Apoena hit the ground, cushioning the blow. She ran over. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, but..." The net.heroes looked up as a maniacal cackle emanated from the giant robot.
"Give up, heroes! You're finished! You'll never defeat my..." The giant robot posed, wings out, cybernetic eye shining in the light. "BIG DUCK ENERGY!"
"..." "..." Their jaws dropped.
"...seriously?" whispered Apoena.
Just then, there was a glimmering in the sky, and the glimmering turned into a streak of light, and the streak of light *plowed right thru the torso* of the giant robot, sending it spinning and flailing.
"What? What?" The Socially Awkward Pangolin shrieked over the loudspeakers. "Who has done such a frighten to me!?"
The streak of light slammed into the ground next to the net.heroes, and when the smoke cleared, it was... a cybernetic duck, doing a perfect dab!
Alexis gasped. "It looks like Psychovant from the show, but with more of an edge!"
"Awwww, I'm blushin'." Psychovant - for it was he, the real deal! - spun to face the robot. "But I'm just stoppin' in. I got business here." He hopped up in the air and flew up to the head of the robot. "Namely..." He started WHAMMING on it with a cartoonish fist! "Some *asshole* stealing my trademark!"
"What? Such concerns are an outlier! I'm ten thousand times too powerful to-- hey, stop that!" The giant robot duck attempted to knock the small partially-robot duck off its head, but the metal wings just weren't articulated that way.
"I go all the way to Earth-20 to find some suckers willing to license my image, and not only do they turn me into a fuckin' kids' show, but I've got some joker who isn't even paying royalties! Massages! And! Daquiris! Do! Not! Pay! For! Themselves!" Whack whack whack!
"Well," said Alexis. "This is sure a... thing that's happening."
"Yeah," said Apoena, a little smile on her face. "What say we let it happen and get out of here before Ultravac's cops show up?"
"But Captain Minority!" Alexis clasped her hands and fluttered her eyelashes. "The media won't even get a big dramatic battle to put on Facebook."
"That's so sad. Alexis?" Apoena stepped into the lightflyer. "Play Desperado."
And to the tune of an Eagles song, they played themselves out.
Author's Note: Memes referenced in this issue:
https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/all-your-base-are-belong-to-us (of course)
And of course, https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/big-dick-energy
Drew "ridickulous" Perron
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