LNH: System Corrupters 34: Rise of the East Coast Brotherhood, part 1

[Adrian McClure]

System Corruptors 34:
"Rise of the East Coast Brotherhood, part 1"
A Legion of Net.Heroes story by Adrian McClure

****

Somewhere in West Virginia, there sits the Ozymandian remains of a
shopping mall, abandoned by the fickle gods of business. But if anyone
looked inside, they'd know it wasn't so abandoned after all. For this
mall was the headquarters of the East Coast Brotherhood of
Net.Villains, along with their signature pink tarantulas (which Mr.
Homage, its leader, had won in the original custody dispute from
Lagneto when the Brotherhood had originally split).

Marvel Zombie Lad, once a founding member of the LNH and now the
newest member of the Brotherhood after reading terrible comics had
pushed him into a villain phase [Another LNH Title? Really? #7], was
gathered with the rest of the team in their sinister meeting hall
inside a former Hot Topic. At the head of the table sat the
Brotherhood's leader, Mr. Homage.

He remembered Mr. Homage from back in the day. Unfortunately. Mr.
Homage had been one of those people who wasn't really good at his job
or liked by much of anyone, but wound up in charge through persistence
and bullying, and who no one really knew how to get rid of. After the
Brotherhood had split, he'd wound up in charge of the East Coast
branch and it hadn't done so well. The West Coast branch had been
taken over by the Crime Empress and reinvented itself as the
Trans-Pacific Plunderbund [SC 33], while the East Coast branch had
stagnated. Oh they'd come up with a lot of evil plans but none of them
had gone anywhere because of procrastination and scheduling conflicts.
The team had been badly demoralized and most of the members had quit.

But then... something had changed about Mr. Homage. He was suddenly
animated by a new fire and purpose. People liked him even less
now--there was something distinctly creepy about him. But they didn't
question it because it was nice being on the winning side for a
change.

Marvel Zombie Lad was sitting silently at the conference table--he'd
made some great dramatic speeches back when he'd been fighting his
former teammates, but now he was suddenly unsure and confused. Next to
him was Marvin Mylar, the Polybag Person, an old school Brotherhooder
who'd recently rejoined. His presence here was almost reassuring.

"Y'know," he whispered, "I used to be a hero too. Gave it a good try.
Called myself Mylar Man back then. I even got to teach some kid
heroes--Teenfactor. Remember them?"

Marvel Zombie Lad shook his head. That was part of the whole period
where he'd lost his purpose and wandered around like, well, a zombie.

"Yeah, that whole thing was kind of weird. One of the kids turned into
Death, and there was this whole year long arc that was just a dream,
and I'm not even sure how much of it is in continuity anymore...
Still, it was nice being a hero for a while, y'know? But it just
didn't work. It wasn't worth it." He sighed. "Back when I was a hero,
I always wanted to team up with you. Funny how that works out, huh?"

Marvel Zombie Lad nodded. He thought about the long road that had
brought him here. How he'd once been a computing grad student,
transformed by an experiment to contact a dead relative that sent him
to the Fandom Zone, the afterlife of dead fandoms. Whenever someone
leaves a fandom, the ghost image of their fandom persona appears in
the Fandom Zone, making fanworks and getting into pointless arguments
as they had in life. He had merged with the psychic essence of
everyone who'd ever been obsessed with Marvel Comics and dropped out,
transforming him into a revenant with the power to remember every
Marvel plot, no matter how pointless, and powered by the fire of angst
that burned in his veins--Marvel Zombie Lad! Marvel had been his life,
his purpose, his reason for being--and then that had all been taken
away from him by terrible plots and Nazi retcons. But now... Now he
would have his revenge! He--

Polybag Person nudged him. "Psst, stop angstnarrating, the meeting's
gonna start soon."

He watched the rest of the Brotherhood filter into the room. There was
a man with impressive tattoos over his impressive body, based on on
every story that was ever posted to RACC. He caught sight of Marvel
Zombie Lad and wiggled is eyebrows at him. MZL was normally too dead
for that sort of thing, but still found himself shivering. An old
school Marvel fan like him couldn't help but respond to all the
continuity.

"That's Continuity Porn Star," said Polybag Person. "Joined up back
during Beige Midnight."

"I heard he's a renegade Knight of Continuity," said a rasping, Peter
Lorre-ish voice from by his shoulder.

"Gah!" said Polybag Person. "Oh, hi Rumor Monger." Eric Johnston, the
Rumor Monger, was another veteran of the Brotherhood who Marvel Zombie
Lad had fought more than a few times back in the day.

A slim woman with long dark hair took her seat near the head of the
table, wearing impressive techno-gauntlets. Physically, she looked
young and unimposing, but her posture was powerful and assured. Her
wide blue eyes were set in a look of absolute, terrifying hatred.
"That's Dr. Killfile, the new one," said Polybag Person.

"How's she related to the old Dr. Killfile?" said Marvel Zombie Lad.

"One of his long-lost kids, I think," said Polybag Person. "He's got a bunch."
"I heard she was a version of Carolyn Forge from Teenfactor from one
of those evil LNH universes," said Rumor Monger. That made sense.
Polybag Person seemed to soften a bit when he looked at her, so maybe
he really did think of her as his former student.

Next was a VERY gorgeous woman, who winked at him--this was a heck of
a day considering Marvel Zombie Lad didn't have a great record for
dates. Being an undead revenant will do that. "That's Romantic
Innuendo," said Polybag Person.

"Wait, I thought--" said Marvel Zombie Lad. "Wow. Estrogen is really
something, huh."

"No, she's new. The guy one was someone different," said Polybag Person.

"Oh, OK," said Marvel Zombie Lad.

"I heard she used to date Revamp Lass and wants revenge on her for
siding with the West Coast Brotherhood!" said Rumor Monger.

In came the masked figure of Mr. Homage, flanked by a massive
techno-organic monstrosity, who bowed to him respectfully as he takes
his seat. "That's DNSDaemon," said Polybag Person. "Yknow, it's weird.
Back in the day, he wouldn't listen to anyone. Now he does everything
Mr. Homage says. Almost seems like he's scared of him. He even calls
him 'my Lord.'"

"Wow, that's kinky," said Marvel Zombie Lad.

"Ahem!" said Mr. Homage, snapping his fingers. "It's time to call this
meeting of the All-New All-Different East Coast Brotherhood of
Net.Villains to motion! Today I have two--yes, two--new recruits to
bring to your attention. First up, coming in from Parts Unknown, the
one and only--DEATHSPORK: THE TERMINATOR!" A man in a jumpsuit with
pouches full of sporks, a mask, and a Kevlar codpiece (to protect his
Parts Unknown) walked in. There was an audible groan from parts of the
room.

"I used to be a member of the League of Net.Assassins," said
Deathspork. "But they kicked me out because my ideas were too radical.
Now, here in the Brotherhood, I can finally show the world what I'm
capable of!" The rest of the team pretended to clap.

"I heard he got kicked out for making 200 sock puppet accounts to
tweet Swordmaster about how much better at weapons he was," whispered
Rumor Monger.

"Welcome to the Brotherhood, Deathspork!" said Mr. Homage. He
pointedly clapped his hands together. Rumor Monger and (somewhat
unenthusiastically) Polybag Person joined in, the others didn't.
DNSDaemon clapped his hands together once, creating a burst of fire
which smelled like burning AOL disks, and met the table with a pointed
look. The rest of the team then clapped as much as they could (except
for Dr. Killfile).

"And now," said Mr. Homage, "it's time to introduce our next member.
It's someone you probably never expected to see again..."
In walked... Rebel Yell! The original leader of the LNH! He and his
girlfriend Lurking Girl had been pillars of the early LNH, and when
they'd left it had been the beginning of Marvel Zombie Lad losing his
interest in that, and eventually in everything. What could he be doing
here? But there was something different about him--instead of a
Confederate flag (which was probably for the best, since Scav himself
had admitted this was a bad idea), he was wearing the flag of the
Principality of Hutt River.

Then, before everyone had un-dropped their jaws, 'Rebel Yell' shifted
into someone else--a woman with blue skin and noticeably asymmetrical
eyebrows. "This is Mistake," said Mr. Homage. "Formerly of the Netter
Liberation Front. [Last seen way, way, WAAAAAY back in
Electrocutioner's Song--Footnote Girl.] She has the power to ALMOST
perfectly impersonate anyone."

"I heard--" said Rumor Monger.

Suddenly Rumor Monger heard his own voice whispering in his ear: "I
heard that Rumor Monger only takes a shower once every three months!"

"Gaah!" said Rumor Monger. He turned around and saw someone just like
him, except with three nostrils. Mistake shifted back to her own form,
clapped her hands together and cackled, and this time the rest of the
team joined in.

"So there we have it," said Mr. Homage "And now, it's time for the
next step of our plan..." DNSDaemon wheeled in the pinboard with
pictures of all the villains they were considering recruiting. "Next
up is..." He pointed at a picture of Dr Refuse2Amuse. Someone had
written "NO" all over it. "Okay, maybe not him. Next up is someone
with the potential to take our little team to the next level...
LAGNETO!"

"What the hell?" said Marvel Zombie Lad. Everyone knew Mr. Homage and
Lagneto had hated each other's guts for years and years, even before
the Brotherhoods had split. "Are you serious?"

"Oh, I'm serious as cancer, baby," said Mr. Homage. (This caused
Continuity Porn Star to start humming "Rhythm is a Dancer" until Dr.
Killfile nudged him in the ribs.) "We're not gonna worry about the
past. You're looking at a whole new Mr. Homage." He chuckled knowingly
to himself. "Now--from scrying Continuity Porn Star's tattoos, we
found out Lagneto's in Asteroid L. DNSDaemon, take us there!"

"Yes, Lord," said DNSDaemon. A portal appeared in a burst of
hellflame, made of metal skulls and old computer parts.

.o(Boy, I hope I'm making the right decision...) said Marvel Zombie
Lad as he stepped through...

*****

Next: The All-New All-Different East Coast Brotherhood of Net.Villains
takes on Lagneto! And the terrible secret of Mr. Homage! Coming
(hopefully) next week.

****

Credits:

Marvel Zombie Lad--Ben Pierce
Polybag Person, Rumor Monger--Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes
Continuity Porn Star--Arthur Spitzer
Romantic Innuendo II--unknown
Dr. Killfile II--Me/Tom Russell
Deathspork: the Terminator--He's all my fault
Mistake, Lagneto--Jef Kolodziej
DNSDaemon--Ted "Arsenal" Brock
Revamp Lass II: Jeffs McCoskey and Barnes
Rebel Yell: Scavenger
Lurking Girl: Tori Fike
Crime Empress: Lalo Martins/Rob Rogers
Trans-Pacific Plunderbund: Drew Perron
Mr. Homage: Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes/[REDACTED]

-- 
Adrian "The Dark Spaceknight" McClure, now with sig