LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #35: Culinary Disasters Part One

[Drew Perron]

On 4/29/2017 3:28 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> Let's see in I can untangle myself from the bonds of Super Apathy
> Lad to restart this..

Woohoo! :D More classic LNHery!

> Jessica "Jaelle" Ihimaera-Smiler wrote a delightful Bad-Timing
> Boy Adventure, which snatched Cheesecake Eater Lad from his
> cooking duties leading to perhaps the greatest of all crises
> that the LNH has ever faced.  How can one survive without
> Cheesecake?  Is such a thing even possible?

Ah, NICE! :D This is a fun storyline, on both ends.

> It was a normal day at LNHHQ; birds were singing, Guitar Man was driving them
> away with his practice, Master Blaster and DoomMonger were shooting things,
> Decibel Dude was having crisis's (crises?), Sing-Along Lass was singing,
> Fan.Boy was irritating people, Writers Block Woman was shopping, Mouse was
> making snide comments... basically everyone was doing their normal LNH
> lifestyle things.

Ah, man. This is right in my Classic Era of LNH - the period when there 
were a lot of really engaged writers, doing their own thing alongside 
one another.

> "Positively, the readings have been checked and double-checked. This is the
> place."
>
> "But it looks so, so _peaceful_."
>
> "Peaceful?" A hand turned the volume up: "Argh! No! No! I didn't do it, it
> wasn't me! Aaaah!" "Oooohh, *guitar solo*.." "Row row row your boat!" "I
> am NOT carrying that thing up those stairs." "BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM..." "But
> don't you think that...?"
>
> "Okay okay I get the picture already!" The volume was switched off.

Heeheeheehee

> "The readings are very high. Another surge just then. I hope the people back
> home are managing."
>
> ***
>
> Back Home (also Somewhere Else):
>
> "That was a bad one. More surges like that and we won't be able to cope!"

Unsubtle but effective? X3

> "Oh, hi Cheesecake Eater Lad. I don't know, I'm not very hungry right now."
>
> "Not hungry? For _cheesecake_?" said the master of cheesecakes incredulously.

I love C-EL. X3

> "Well, you know some people do get by without cheesecake. Especially bacon
> and egg flavoured ones." said B-TB unwisely.
>
> "How can you say such a thing?!" Cheesecake Eater Lad stormed off.

People react really badly to personal slights in a lot of superhero 
stories, have you noticed? I feel like this comes from trying to 
replicate well-written interpersonal conflict but not really 
understanding where it comes from. Mark Waid's biggest flaw is probably 
this.

> "Die." she said, smiling sweetly.
>
> "Or I could die yes." said B-TB, absolutely stunned. Suddenly the words
> filtered through to his conciousness.
>
> "Die, you say?" he asked.
>
> "That's right." she replied.
>
> "Um, right now?"
>
> "Preferably."

Heeheehee X3 That's some good comedy.

> "We're from another plane of existence, and your powers are disrupting our
> world, you _have_ to die." cried Good-Timing Girl. Tears were beginning to
> form in her eyes as she pressed the sword in closer.
>
> "Please!" B-TB begged, "Gack! I'm a net.hero! I'd never hurt anyone...
> intentionally." he added, thinking of the problems he'd had earlier that day
> [see the previous issue -J].
>
> "Nevertheless, I have my world to think of!" cried Good-Timing Girl,
> determination firming her mouth and she prepared herself to end B-TB's life.

Or You Could Talk (tm). I'm not really criticizing this story as much as 
the hundreds of others like it. X3

> "We're being attacked." said Sister State-The-Obvious.

heeheehee

> Bad-Timing Boy was in a panic. He was not used to beautiful half-dressed
> women trying to kill him for being a danger to their home worlds and he was
> totally lost as to what to do next.

I mean. Who is. o3o

> Get in, find the source of the
> disruptions and kill him or her. But she'd let herself panic at the thought
> of actually killing someone, and now she'd lost her quarry and alerted the
> place that she was there.

Awwwwww.

> "What _is_ this?" gasped Good-Timing Girl. She'd opened a door in a building,
> and now she found herself in... a forest?!
>
> A rustle nearby made her look around.
>
> "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..." yelled Bad-Timing Boy, swinging down from a tree on a
> vine, trying to buckle his swashes at the same time. With a snap, the vine
> broke and he fell sprawling at the feet of Good-Timing Girl.

AMAZING. X3 I think this shows part of B-TB's personality - one of the 
reasons he hits so many bad-timing situations is that he's pretty 
enthusiastic about things, but often charges in when they're not 
appropriate. It's extremely relatable. (I feel like Horrible Name Lad is 
basically a concentrated version of this phenomenon.)

> Bad-Timing Boy was back on his feet, a panicky expression on his face,
> dammit! He was a net.hero! And he was going to _be_ one and _act_ like one
> and no skimpily dressed homicidal babe was going to stop him!

See? :D He gets really invested and goes for it despite all setbacks. 
It's inspiring!

> "I want everyone who met the attacker in my office _now_. As for the rest of
> you, since you're here you might as well do some practice sessions.
> All-Knowing-Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny Woman _what_ are you doing?"
>
> All... etc [there is a limit to how many times I feel like typing her name
> in -J] had picked up a piece of the broken sword. She held it in her hands
> and looked up at the assembled Legionaires.
>
> "He is gone." she said simply.

I really love this sort of abstract cosmic perspective.

> Doctor Stomper coughed nervously, "Well, we can't depend completely on the
> Peril Room's records since it's been having all those problems lately [LNHCP
> #25, Guitar Man #3, various other places -J] but you look okay, and there's
> nothing physically wrong with you, so..." his voice trailed off and he spread
> his hands and shrugged.

That's how science goes sometimes.

> "Bad-Timing Boy!" exploded Fuzzy, "This is a girl's only party!"
>
> "Uh.. uh.. present." he stammered.

For a second there I thought he had blanked out so much that he was 
responding to roll call o3o

> Bandwagon Chick walked over to the door, "Oh neat." She opened the box,
> "Cool! Comics... what _is_ this? Darkhawk? Sleepwalker? Anima? The Ray?"

Smacked In The Face With The '90s.jpg

> "These are _wonderful_. They're the best present I've ever had!" Bandwagon
> Chick gave him a huge hug, "I've never even heard of these comics. And they
> look _really_ cool, I'm going to collect _all_ of the back issues!"

Awwwwww <3

> Fuzzy laughed and held out a hand, B-TB took it and she pulled him easily to
> his feet, "S'okay, I forgive you now. I couldn't possibly stay mad at
> someone _that_ scared." She began to shut the door and then stopped, "By the
> way, has anybody ever told you that you look really cute when you're begging
> for your life?"

Welp. That's kinky. I ship it now.

> Bad-Timing Boy thought for a moment, "You're not going to believe this, but
> I have this almost uncanny craving for Peking Duck cheesecake."
>
> "That's amazing!" exclaimed C-E Lad, "I never thought of that recipe before.
> I'll whip us up some."
>
> And, although generations to come were to curse them for creating such a
> thing, they did.

Heeheehee

> Ordinary Lady jumped in faster than anyone else, "I've been looking forward
> to a re-match!" she yelled. Good-Timing Girl tried to parry her blows but she
> was just moving too fast. It didn't help that Ultimate Ninja was aiming
> blows at her from her blindside. She managed to keep the two magnificent
> fighters off her for all of about 15 seconds before collapsing.
>
> "Well, that was invigorating." said Ordinary Lady happily, brushing her hair
> out of her eyes.

X3 I love it

> Good-Timing Girl looked up at him. It wasn't surprising that they hadn't
> recognised her at first, she looked awful. She was covered in mud and other
> gunk, her make-up was smeared and her costume was probably ripped (it was
> difficult to tell).

Probably that description should've been brought up at the beginning o3o

> The Back-Up Story (which is longer than the main story - argh!)

I know that one X3;

> The Gang's All Here - Bandwagon Chick's Birthday Party
>
> (and you thought it was just a plot device :-)

Cute As Fuck

> Fuzzy looked at her, "Okay, I will accept that anyone could have tripped and
> crashed into me and smushed the cake... (LNHCP #26!) but very few people
> would then procede to rival Unperceptive Lad in the dumb question
> sweepstakes! 'What's the cake - gee, what's this card?' Aaaargh!"

My Autistic!Bad-Timing Boy headcanon is growing

> "Quite so, but know ye that All-Knowing-Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny Woman
> will always have the last word!" proclaimed All-Knowing...Woman. "And in this
> case the word is, have a nice birthday!" she handed Bandwagon Chick a cd.

ADORABLE.

> "The Banshees Wail..." read Bandwagon Chick, "Never heard of them."
>
> "I shouldn't think so, they've only just entered the charts," said Fuzzy,
> "They're really popular right now."
>
> "Oh, they don't sound very good," said BC, chucking the cd onto her bed,
> "So, when does the surprise party start?"

You know, I thought this was the opposite of how Bandwagon Chick worked. 
Not that I'm complaining

> "Well, Kyoko here," said Ordinary Lady, gesturing to Kyoko, "Looked up your
> file and found your birthday listed, and gee it was today and so we decided
> to celebrate."

YAY Kyoko <3 I remember looking up her appearances and finding that 
Jaelle was responsible for a lot of them. Very appreciated.

> "Ahem!" said Catalyst Lass, holding her glass high, "I'd like to take this
> opportunity to say that we all wish you a very happy *mumbleth*" The
> assembled heros laughed, "birthday, and look forward to many more!"

Is that a "women being sensitive about their age" joke, or a "sliding 
time scale" joke? Because I'm assuming the latter AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME

> "Boy, this is a great party... but who invited all the sheep?" asked Token
> Girl.
>
> "What've you been putting in your snapple?" asked Linguist Lass.

What. XD

> "_I_ remember when Weirdness Girl joined." slurred Kyoko.
>
> "So do I." pointed out Fuzzy, "It only happened last night."
>
> "Oh yeah..." [Check it out in Misfits #1, a great new title -J the well-read
> :-)]

Heeheehee. :3

> "People change, drift away..." said Token Girl, "Like Panta. I wish she was
> here. I remember..." Her eyes glazed over (not from the drink, but from
> reminiscence).

Oh no, sadder in hindsight ;.;

> "We cannot stop him by physical force!" cried All-Knowing etc... "Only the
> powers of absurdity can help us now!

Yessssss :D One of my favorite declarations

> "It's her party!" sang Sister State-The-Obvious
> "And she'll die if she wants to!" sang All-Knowing... Woman.
> "_Cry_ if she wants to!" yelled New Look Lass.
> "Sigh if she wants to." suggested Catalyst Lass.
> "You would sigh/cry/die/buy/fly/lie too if it happened to you!" they all sang.

This is great and adorable X3

> "I think it looks _fabulous_" enthused Bandwagon Chick, "MECHA is sooooo
> cool."
>
> There was a pause.
>
> "No." said MECHA Man, "If you think something is cool, then it means that
> you're jumping on the bandwagon after it's popular. That means that MECHA's
> no longer popular. ARGH!!!!!"

Ohhhhh, okay, I see.

> "You may have finished me now! But my other 3rd cousin twice removed, Anime
> Man, will get you all!" yelled the former MECHA Man as Ordinary Lady and
> Catalyst Lass grabbed him and hustled him out to the bandwagon for later
> delivery to the Net.ropolis Police Station.

Heeheehee

> "I have travelled for a great time! Across time and net.space. Through the
> continuity barrier and past the fourth wall! To bring a message to one among
> you!" proclaimed the being at the door.
>
> "And that message is?" prompted Token Girl.
>
> The figure paused, raised a finger and pointed it at Bandwagon Chick... BC
> trembled and the other heros held their breath in awe...
>
> "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

:D

> "VAMMO WOMAN?" yelled everyone.
>
> "But aren't you the Rac.Celestial Madonna these days?" asked Catalyst Lass.
>
> "Well yeah, but the other celestials throw lousy parties. I mean, if I have
> to listen to 'It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To', _one_ more time..."
>
> The Rac.Celestial Madonna seemed somewhat surprised when everyone collapsed
> into laughter at this point.

THIS. IS. ADORABLE

Drew "love Jaelle's writing" Perron