LNH/LUNA: FLASH! LNH Comics Presents Monthly #4
Drew Perron
pwerdna at gmail.com
Tue Jul 4 12:19:22 PDT 2017
#4 #4
*============================================================================*
Since the dawn of the Internet, they have been its defenders! Today, the
strangest heroes of all protect the world against hate, fear, and apathy! Our
knights in shining spandex...
*============================================================================*
| * THE LEGION OF NET . HEROES |
| In: * * F * * |
| * L * Legion of Issue #4, featuring the talents of: |
| * ! A ! * Net. Drew Perron |
| * S * Heroes Adrian McClure |
| * * H * * Presents Dave Van Domelen |
| * Monthly Subnet Mask <3 |
*============================================================================*
Featuring short stories up to:
[DIAMOND] 100 words * [GOLD] One page * [MOLYBDENUM] Three pages
*============================================================================*
#4 #4
[LNH/LUNA] "Speaker For the Thread" Part 4
by Dave Van Domelen
The disgust that you once were.
[LNH] The Core LNH #4.0: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 5
by Drew Perron
After the battle, our heroes quest for the answer: What is the secret of PC?
[LNH] Philosopher Lass Adventures! #4
by Subnet Mask
The pronoun pulse spreads as the ultimate accidental confession is made and
the ultimate foe arrives!
[LNH] The Core LNH #4.5: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 6
by Drew Perron
A spirited confrontation, as the battle against villainy gives way!
[LNH] Chicks In Space! Part 2
by Adrian McClure
The chicks step out onto the sand and meet a mysterious ma'am!
[LNH] The Core LNH #4.75: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 7
by Drew Perron
A spectacular three-in-one story! The truth of the PC Power!
*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH/LUNA]-------------------------------------------------[DIAMOND]*
*---------------------------SPEAKER FOR THE THREAD---------------------------*
*-----------------------------------Part 4-----------------------------------*
*-----------------------------by Dave Van Domelen----------------------------*
*============================================================================*
Sometimes a deep vein can release truths we've tried to forget, sins we've
buried so deeply that nothing can bring back the whole story. Many a mature and
serious person will pay to suppress old Thread that reminds the world of their
immature and foolish younger selves, the xXDarkStarrXxes and NarutoFan2353s of
the world.
Barbaz Alt.laska can't help but be reminded on occasion that when Lord Foo
Barbaz was honored by the "founding" of the community, it had been around for
quite a while already under another name. Old names have a way of coming back
and revealing old sins.
*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH]---------------------------------------------------------[GOLD]*
*--------------------------------THE CORE LNH--------------------------------*
*--------------Issue #4.0: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 5---------------*
*-------------------------------by Drew Perron-------------------------------*
*============================================================================*
Ten minutes later, the Core LNH gathered in the LNHQ's library. Library Lad
brought them stacks of books, but otherwise stayed out of the way, because it's
harder than I thought to fit this many characters in a one-page story?
"Thanks, Multi-Tasking Man." Skunk Girl hung up their communicator.
"Non-Binary is on the moon, in the Gray Area. M-TM thinks they're *brooding*."
"Okay, we got a little time." Kid Enthusiastic sat on one of the
bookshelves, an Esmerelda the Reading Kiwi plushie in their arms. "HC, your
powers are linked to Flame. Do you know what's happening to PC?"
"I don't know what triggered it," said Hell Catalyst, "but I know what's
happening now. They've gone into the depths of the Flame. No longer able to hold
back their emotions, negative or positive. As they brood, their frustrated,
righteous rage is mixing with their anxiety over hurting someone. If we don't
talk them down, they could completely burn themselves out."
"And they have power enough to take a major net.ropolitan city with them,"
said Golden Man.
"Aw jeez." Kid E ran their hands through their hair, put Esmerelda back on
their nest, turned upside-down, and started pacing on their hands. "Okay okay
okay. We gotta talk to them, gotta calm them down."
Golden Man sighed, a heavy, deep sigh that bore the weight of ages. "You
know... I've always prided myself on being, mmm, polite, helpful, kind...
*chivalrous*. Not one of the crude or rough members of the Legion. Yet I
dismissed PC Person's concerns as readily and casually as any of them."
Kid E hopped down from the bookshelf, ran up and hugged them! "It's not your
fault, GM. We all could've done more."
"Heh..." Golden Man hugged KE in their brawny arms. "Thanks, kid."
"I've been reading up on where 'politically correct' comes from," said
Painful Pun Person. "Looks like it was originally used by socialists to critique
Communist party members for caring about toeing the party line more than
following their ideals."
Golden Man nodded. "I remember breaking up a lot of fights about that sort
of thing, back when it seemed like half the union boys in America were one kind
of socialist or another."
"After that, it was left to 'the left' to use it to critique each other in
similar dogma-over-good-person-ness ways. Then in the late '80s, people started
using it to say that schools and newspapers were closed-minded for trying to
include a wider variety of people and ideas."
Hell Catalyst nodded. "And shortly after that is when PC Person showed up -
not long after the Cosmic Plot Device Caper."
"I've been trying to look up their origin," said WikiBoy, looking up from a
laptop, "see if that gives us a clue. But the post with their first appearance
isn't in any archive. The earliest we have is 'Part II'."
Miss Social-Cues hung back, watching the discussion. Everyone else was
trying to figure out how to make PC Person feel better... that wasn't something
they were good at. Maybe they could be helpful by... getting drinks?
They wandered out into the hallway and put five bucks into the Mr. Paprika
machine. They pushed the button for Electric Chocolate Mayhem Mr. Paprika... and
nothing happened. They frowned, tap-tapping the button and hmmming...
"Having trouble, miss?" They looked up, into the eyes of - TYRANNUS AURON!
*============================================================================*
*[LNH]-----------------------------------------------------------------[GOLD]*
*------------------------PHILOSOPHER LASS ADVENTURES!------------------------*
*----------------------------------Issue #4----------------------------------*
*-------------------------------by Subnet Mask-------------------------------*
*============================================================================*
PHILOSOPHER LASS pulls on their skintight ARETE GLOVES which GIVE THEM the
POWER-
...Wait, THEIR gloves? Give THEM? I thought you used FEMALE PRONOUNS,
PHILOSOPHER LASS?
"Perhaps we’re close enough to Non-Binary’s blast radius effect that their
power has affected us?"
Shouldn’t it be PHILOSOPHER PERSON and NARRATOR PERSON now if we’re removing
GENDERED WORDS? Also should I just NARRATE THIS AWAY so we don’t have to WORRY
ABOUT IT?
"I’m guessing they thought that’d be too confusing. Why would we have a bit
of crossover continuity just to get rid of it, though? Wouldn’t they dislike that?"
Which THEY are we talking about? Non-Binary, Drew Perron, the reader, my
beloved...?
"...Yes?"
LUCKILY, at THAT MOMENT, there was a KNOCK AT THE DOOR which HOPEFULLY
DISTRACTED us from PRONOUN CONFUSION among OTHER THINGS which maybe we didn’t
mean to say.
"I’ll get them!"
...And apparently we can’t use the word IT, although that might be for the
SAKE OF COMEDY. Wait, I could just use THEM that time? ...ONLY ONCE? REALLY!?
...Regardless, PHILOSOPHER LASS sprang to the DOOR, nearly TRIPPING over the
stack of NEWSPAPERS she had been DELIBERATING on RECYCLING or THROWING OUT since
they had a SMALL but NOT INCONSEQUENTIAL amount of PASTA SAUCE soaked into them.
The door OPENED. They were Doctor Ultimatum, Philosopher Lass’s ULTIMATE
ROBOTIC (theoretically) DEONTOLOGICAL FOE! Their LAB COAT covered up the CURVES
OF THEIR BODY rather WELL, because while they DEFINITELY IDENTIFIED AS A GENDER
and HAD THE COMMON SECONDARY ATTRIBUTES commonly associated with THAT GENDER,
apparently I CAN’T TALK ABOUT THAT NOW through SIMPLE REFERENCE but have to just
come out and say THEY HAVE SIGNIFICANT HIPS and also BREASTS, OKAY!?
"wow so many capitals today but thanks for the effort narrator lass it’s
been bothering me ever since i came here to tell philosopher lass that i doctor
ultimatum demand you give me your dna to spin through the some kinda particle
reverser to reverse your inability to do anything into the ability to do
everything and create the ultimate life form or i will destroy the city with my
city destroying device because while things would be simpler if i just stole
some dna from your trash can or something it seems while i am willing to destroy
this city and presumably everyone in the city i also care about consent in some
fashion when creating new life but not enough to not try to coerce you into that
situation which confuses me too but hey morality is arbitrary and also i just
like forcing people to make choices thus the name"
"Hi, Doctor Ultimatum! Sure, I’ll get you our hair brush from the bathroom!
Would you like some tea first? I think I still got some of those lemon
shortbread cookies you said you liked."
WAIT, you don’t have to think about this AT ALL!?
*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH]---------------------------------------------------------[GOLD]*
*--------------------------------THE CORE LNH--------------------------------*
*--------------Issue #4.5: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 6---------------*
*-------------------------------by Drew Perron-------------------------------*
*============================================================================*
Miss Social-Cues looked up, into the eyes of - TYRANNUS AURON!
"Oh. Hi." They looked back down at the soda machine, trying to wiggle the
button into working.
"...need any help?" the malevolent conqueror inquired.
"Nope."
"...ah. Well." Their eyes tracked left and right, and they took a bit of a
step out of their personal space. "Very well."
MSC nodded absently, clicking the plastic button back and forth. Eventually
they just thumped it into their fist, and the can thumped into the slot. They
smiled slightly and took it, flicking the tab and taking a sip. They started
walking away.
Tyrannus Auron stepped up beside them. "Not to object too terribly hard, but
I note that you haven't done anything particularly heroic at the evildoer in
your midst."
Miss Social-Cues sighed. "Dude, I don't wanna *talk* to you."
"Ah?" They smiled. "A refusal to speak with the enemy?"
They shook their head fiercely. "It's not cos you were a villain, it's cos
you were an *asshole*." They swept their hands out, nearly dropped their soda,
juggled it, put it to the side, and faced them. "Like... PC Person was hurting,
like *really* stressed, and you just made them completely freak out. You might
believe that stuff about status quos and whatever, and you might even be right,
but for fuck's sake, you can't stop whatever game you're playing for two minutes
to let someone pick whether they wanna play!"
"...I admit, this wasn't a response I had expected." T. Auron folded their
hands. "Passionate anger, certainly, but in the context of my villainous
persona, not the person within."
"Yeah, but I never know when to get mad about that sort of thing. All I know
is what I see." They poked them in the chest. "What I see is, you're supposed to
be a *cool* bad guy. Someone we can kinda want to be like, smarter and more
stylin' than the heroes. The kind of guy who doesn't make jerk moves like that."
"Heh. Well, I'm flattered, and... I must say, you're not wrong. I shall... I
suppose I shall endeavor to live up to my persona in the future." They assayed
them a short bow. "As apology, may I offer a clue?"
MSC blinked, then grinned. "Oh, sure!"
T. Auron smiled. "I've spent a fair bit of study on the functioning of your
happy group. In this case, I would say that, before proceeding, you should
familiarize yourself with the Discourse."
MSC ohhhh'd. "That was really cryptic!"
T. Auron grinned. "Thank you. Have a good evening, and I'll get you next
time, Gadget." They walked off, humming.
Miss Social-Cues ran a hand over their hair and shook themself out. Whew!
Getting angry took a lot out of you. They finished their soda, then got drinks
for everybody else and headed back to the library.
Skunk Girl and Golden Man were standing and arguing. Kid Enthusiastic was
hopping around, trying to interject. Painful Pun Person and Hell Catalyst were
doing a cat's cradle. WikiBoy was leafing through a book, ignoring them all.
Miss Social-Cues put two fingers in their mouth and whistled. Everybody
looked up. "Guess what! I got a Clue!"
*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH]---------------------------------------------------[MOLYBDENUM]*
*------------------------------CHICKS IN SPACE!------------------------------*
*-----------------------------------Part 2-----------------------------------*
*-----------------------------by Adrian McClure------------------------------*
*============================================================================*
The remote desert world of DAT.ooine was the birthplace of a legendary Dorf
hero-killer of ages past, who inspired a saga by the Dorf poet and playwright
Shakeblaster which became famous throughout the galaxy. When he revised it,
arguments over the changes had sparked the 14th Lesser Dorf Civil War, which
inspired its own great literary works which started their own arguments which
began their own civil wars, and so on.
Catalyst Lass, Token Girl and Merissa had come to DAT.ooine in search of a
genuine disreputable space bar where they could find someone to search for Token
Girl's stolen life-size stuffed Totoro, or at least overhear some convenient
exposition from a grizzled space prospector. But this was harder than it looked.
Today, DAT.ooine had been fully gentrified. The space cantina where the
legendary hero-killer's son had met his companions now had a gift shop where you
could buy genuine artisanal sand. There were no grizzled space prospectors, only
space hipsters dressed as grizzled space prospectors.
After hours of searching, at the very edge of the spaceport they found a
legitimate disreputable space bar. It was called The Space Bar. (It had a sign
shaped like a space bar.)
"OK," said Catalyst Lass, "now Merissa, you'll need to be quiet and follow
my lead for just a bit, OK? I mean, we don't know there'll be a fight--"
"Then what's the point of going in here, huh?" said Merissa.
"Well, we're, uh, gathering information--"
"So we can have a fight later," said Token Girl.
"Yeah!" Catalyst Lass beamed.
"OK, sure," said Merissa.
The three net.heroines walked in the door. "Hey!" said the bulky space
bouncer, who had blue skin (because this was space). "You're too young to go in
here."
"Nuh-uh," said Merissa.
"Where's your ID?"
"I think you mean my Awesome Card. Read 'em and weep." Merissa handed him a
card coated in pink sparkly glitter which read: "AWESOME CARD: The bearer of
this card is so awesome she can get in anywhere she wants, the end." The bouncer
let her through, grumbling something about protagonists.
At the bar, Catalyst Lass saw a barfly who was sullenly sipping revolting
space ale. (He was an actual human-sized fly, of course.)
"Hi!" She waved at him. "I'm looking for a giant plushie that got stolen by
Dorf mercenaries or something. Do you know someone who could find it? Like a
bounty hunter or a space witch or something like that."
"You mean like an Arcanian?" buzzed the barfly. "Everyone knows they ain't
real--"
And then she saw a woman sitting alone at the bar, drinking from some sort
of glowing blue drink. She was tall, dark-skinned, with shoulder-length lavender
hair with bangs. Her dark eyes were adorned by winged eyeliner. She wore a
pastel purple mini-dress, ripped fishnet stockings, and a choker with a thunder
charm hanging from it. She was pretty. Very, very pretty. So pretty it was kind
of hard for Catalyst Lass to think about much of anything else. Even though
going up to random strangers and convincing them to join in on whatever
confusing and dangerous thing she was planning was pretty much her superpower,
she still struggled to figure out how to approach her without being creepy.
The woman noticed Catalyst Lass staring at her and started. Cat smiled and
finger-waved at her. "Uh, hi," she said. "I'm Catalyst Lass. Of the Legion of
Net.Heroes. I--"
The woman frowned. "The Legion of Net.Heroes? I've heard of them. It's been
a long time. A long time... Oh, sorry." She smiled uneasily. "I haven't spoken
with anyone for a while. I am Arcania."
"Oh, that's OK. Listen. I kind of need help, a friend of mine--" But before
she could explain the premise of the story again, she was interrupted by a
commotion on the other side of the room...
A little earlier, Token Girl had challenged an armored Dorf soldier who was
sitting alone at a table (no one wanted to sit next to him) to a drinking match.
"Hey," she said, "I'll bet you can't outdrink me."
"Hah!" said the Dorf soldier. "You're a smelly backworlder with a weak
stomach." The problem with conversing with Dorf, of course, was telling the
insults from the complements. "I can take you easily."
They each ordered a nasty space ale which smelled like it was fermented in a
demon's urinal. Token Girl had trouble forcing it down, but she managed. She was
used to drinking swill from her college days. This wasn't even the worst beer
she'd had this month--that was the craft beer Halls Jordan had made.
"All right," said the Dorf soldier. "You think you can handle the really
hard stuff?" He ordered two pink girly drinks. Token Girl drank it easily, while
the Dorf gagged and sputtered all the way down.
"Think you can go for another round?" Token Girl smirked.
"All right! All right" said the Dorf. "You win. I'll give you anything you
want!"
"So I'll ask you a question," she said. "You heard anything about people
stealing a giant Totoro plushie?"
"Oh yeah... There's like... this new religion and stuff. The Church of
Universal Totoro. A bunch of Dorf have been converting after that whole thing
with the guy who did the thing." [He's trying to explain Ubiquitous Boy Lad's
making the Dorf invasion force feel the suffering of Captain LNH in LNH v2
#50--Footnote Girl] But then she was interrupted by--
Merissa wandered about the bar, waiting for something to happen, when she
overheard a cluster of Dorf soldiers--probably from a different faction from the
one Token Girl was drinking with--staring and grumbling at Arcania. Merissa, of
course, had learned Dorf on the trip up and was now the absolute best at
speaking Dorf, good enough to compose sonnets. So she knew they were talking
about witches and the burning thereof.
"Hey guys." She clapped them on the shoulder. "Didn't your moms tell you not
to burn witches? It's not cool."
Cat heard this and jumped out of her seat. "Yeah, guys, witch burning isn't
that fun," she said. "Wouldn't you rather play board games? I have Seven Wonders
right here!" She pulled out a copy--she always carried a dimensionally
transcendental purse stocked with board games just in case.
The crowd of aliens looked at it and shuffled their feet, considering. Then
one of them said--"Hey! That's one of those Legion of Net.Heroes! They're
probably gonna have a fight in our bar and it'll get all smashed up!"
"Uh, that kind of sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy--" said Cat. But no
one was listening. The space scum all unholstered their guns. Token Girl cracked
her knuckles. Arcania muttered a magic word under her breath. Merissa unslung
her BIGGUN from the carrier on her back. "Hey, that was quick..." she said...
*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH]---------------------------------------------------------[GOLD]*
*--------------------------------THE CORE LNH--------------------------------*
*--------------Issue #4.75: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 7--------------*
*-------------------------------by Drew Perron-------------------------------*
*============================================================================*
The Core LNH was gathered around the big table, pondering on the clue that
Miss Social-Cues had gotten from Tyrannus Auron.
"Familiarize yourself with the discourse..." Golden Man stroked their chin.
"Do we need to dig deeper into the history of 'PC'?"
"I don't think so," said Hell Catalyst, hands clasped before them, brows
furrowed. "I believe Tyrannus Auron is referring to a more mystical concept -
the net.element of Discourse."
"I've never heard of that one!" declared Kid Enthusiastic.
"It's lesser-known than the traditional net.elements. While the four best
known, Net, Thread, Keystroke and Flame, are the net.magical equivalents of Air,
Water, Earth and Fire, Discourse is the net.element of Light."
"I see!" said Painful Pun Person, grinning.
"All the net.elements represent forms and methods of communication, but
Discourse is the act of communication, of putting a signal out into the world,
in its purest form."
"How'd you find out about this?" asked WikiBoy, taking notes.
"Occultism Lad does a metaphysical checkout on me every six months, just in
case my Revampirism flares up. They told me they'd been researching the
net.elements, and they thought my powers might be based in Discourse."
"Huh," said Skunk Girl. "I thought your power was psychic, not magic. Like
Catalyst Lass's."
"It's that, too," agreed Hell Catalyst. "The net.elements are a way of
interpreting the world. Cat's and my powers - they're magical, or psychic, or
just strength of personality, and all those things are kind of different things,
but also kind of the same thing."
"Then that's it!" said Kid Enthusiastic, hopping up on their chair. "We
thought Non-Binary was just throwing around Flame, but it's actually a
combination of Flame and Discourse!"
"Makes sense," said Painful Pun Person. "PC Person was always discoursing
and discursing about one thing or another."
"Hell Catalyst," said Kid E, "do you know if there's a net.elemental
equivalent of Darkness?"
"Yes, actually," they said. "It's a power that's been used by many LNHers,
but was not recognized as a net.element until recently - Lurking."
"Aha!" Kid E pumped their fist. "New plan! WikiBoy, lemme know if this works
- we power you up to Non-Binary's level with Lurking, face them on an equal
playing field, and talk them down!"
WikiBoy put down their notebook. "I'd say... the only way to find out is to
try it." They smiled.
"Ah... Kid Enthusiastic," said Skunk Girl. "Can I talk to you for a sec?"
"Oh, sure," they said, hopping off their chair and stepping to the side.
"Are you..." SG hmh'd, trying to word it. "Are you sure it's a good idea,
giving WikiBoy this much power? The LNH hasn't always treated them the best, and
I know they can get kinda bitter about it..."
Kid E frowned at them, then smiled and squeezed their hand. "Skunk Girl, you
should listen when WikiBoy talks. I think you'd learn a lot."
Skunk Girl frowned, then sighed and smiled. "Okay, Leader-san."
Kid E gave them a thumbs-up, then pointed to the ceiling. "Time to head to
the moon!"
*============================================================================*
Authors' Notes and Administrivia:
DAVE: Barbaz is a net.ification of Barrow, Alaska. At the end of this year,
Barrow is changing back to its original name of Utqiaqvik. [Editor's note: This
change took effect December 1st, 2016.] BTW, wordcount considers Alt.laska to be
two words, but I count it as one.
Drew "late? no this is perfectly on time" Perron
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