LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #42: The Crimes of the Brotherhood Part Five

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Dec 31 12:55:51 PST 2017

In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the fifth section of the whole EMPLOYEE-EMPOWERED, PARADIGM-SHIFTED,

Firstly, we have Jessica "Jaelle" Ihimaera-Smiler with the number 18 of her
Writer's Block Woman series.  Can Writer's Block Woman scrape pancake mix off
her nose and how long can Browsing Boy play cards?  Those and more questions
will be answered below.

And after that, we have another issue of Michael Friedman's Spite Grrrl (issue
five) as the heroes take on -- Polybag Person!

             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                     ADVENTURES #42

                 The Crimes of the Brotherhood Part Five

From: ihimaera_j at ix.wcc.govt.nz
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: LNH: Writers Block Woman (and Mouse) #18
Date: 19 May 1995 03:06:59 GMT

Jeff's not amused:
 ___      ___                                  ______
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  \  \/\/  /|___ \_____|_____| ___| __ \ / __| | | / /| |  | __  | ___| |/ /
   \      / | |/ / | |   | | \ \  | |/ / \ \   | | \ \| |  | | | | |  |   /
    \    /  | |\ \_| |_  | | / /__| |\ \__\ \  | |_/ /| |__| |_| | |__|   \
     \/\/   |_| \_\____| |_| \____|_| \_\___/  |____/ |____|_____|____|_|\_\
      ___      ___
      \  \    /  /_________  ____________  __
       \  \/\/  /| __  |   \/   | __  |  \ | |
        \      / | | | | |\  /| | |_| |   \| |
         \    /  | |_| | | \/ | | __  | |\   |
          \/\/   |_____|_|    |_|_| |_|_| \__|                 (and Mouse)

Issue #18: We're All In Biiiiiig Trouble.

Because McCoskey Demanded It:

An Employee-Empowered blahdy blahdy blah Brotherhood of Net.Villains
Crossover. Part Whatever We're Up To. :-)

Hiatus and Rumour Monger wandered along the street. They'd decided to get out
of their stuffy office cubicles and get some fresh air, and also some
beneficial exercise which could only but aid their limbic system and
enhance their calms to ensure that they would be in tip top condition with
adrenalin pumping and therefore come up with a brilliant plan to make lots
of money and incidentally stop Mr Homage from cutting out their spleens
with a spoon. There's nothing like providing some positive encouragement to
your employees to give them incentive. :-)

[Authorial Note: And I should know, Jeff was pretty explicit in his incentive
to get me to hurry up with this issue. Let's just say he still hasn't gotten
over his fixation with ropes. And I do realise that he's going to kill me for
this.:-) -J]

"So what the heck are we going to do? We've got money, goons, and no plan. Oh
we're gonna _hurt_ for this one." moaned Hiatus.

"Relax, I hear that none of the others are doing so hot either." said Rumour

"Great, we can all fry together." grumbled Hiatus. "Grab a newspaper

"Surely." Rumour Monger grabbed a newspaper, and then punched out the man
asking him for money. "Here ya go."

"Ta." Hiatus turned to the financial pages and winced.

"Problem?" asked his erstwhile co-villain (I was going to say ally - but they
_are_ villains after all).

"Yeah, Mom gave me some shares in this company Satellite 5 but it's not doing
so good." Hiatus sighed and threw the paper into a bin, then realised what
he'd done, fished it out and scattered it all over the road. "Well, it's
obvious that I'm not going to get rich _that_ way."

Rumour Monger stopped in his tracks and a large smile spread over his face.
"Man, you are a _genius_!" he exclaimed. "Come on!"



Writers Block Woman scraped the last of the pancake mixture off her nose
and deposited it in the rubbish bin. "There! I feel so much better now!"

"Owowowowowowowowowowowow." replied Mouse, who was trying to detach several
pieces of toast from her hair, preferably without taking too much of the
hair with it. She wasn't having much success.

Both heroines were a mess, they were covered top to toe with various food
scraps and other such mess. They were, in fact, both recovering from their
attempts to cook breakfast for the LNH [As written in LNHCP #29. Well, no
it's not actually, since I haven't written it yet, and this may even precede
it, but it helps me keep my chronology straight. -J]. It had been a
particularly painful attempt, similar to pulling the toast out of Mouse's
hair. Like this toast pulling business, it had also not been very successful.

Did you really expect it to be?

"Wonderful, I'm going to have toast stuck in my hair for the rest of my
life." moaned Mouse.

Writers Block Woman considered the doughy mess, "Perhaps a haircut?"

Mouse grabbed at her mid-length hair, "No way. I repeat. No... fricking...
way am I ever letting you anywhere remotely _near_ my hair ever ever again!"

"Mouse you're overreacting."

"Oh no I'm not! Overreacting implies that it wasn't as bad as I think it was
when I know darn well it was."

"Blonde was in!"

"Blonde was not in!"

"Yes it was!"

"No it wasn't! And green certainly wasn't in!"

"I told you, it was an accident! Are you going to hold that particular
incident against me for the rest of your life?"



In the tv room, Browsing Boy was playing a game of cards.


"What the hell was that?" asked Writers Block Woman.

"I think it was a not-so-subtle hint." said Mouse, "I'm going to detach this

"Fine. You do that then."

"Good, I will."






In the tv room, Browsing Boy was still playing a game of cards.


Mouse glared at the narrator, "Alright alright! I get the point already!
We'll advance the plot!" She turned to her mother.

"As soon as we've gotten tidyed up, why don't we go out and get something to

"A very good idea," said WBW, who was very obviously reading this off the
autocue, "Then we can check up on the news."

"Happy?" Mouse asked the narrator.

I don't know, that card game's starting to look reeeeeeal promising.

"Look, there must be other characters around, go bother them for a while.
Because I am not doing any crossover looking like this!" Mouse stormed off.

Writers Block Woman stared after her. She twiddled her thumbs a bit. Humming
and ha-ing she looked at the clock. "Well, gee. Look at the time." she said.
She scratched her nose. Suddenly she pointed, "Hey look! It's Oscar Wilde!"

The narrator turned to look where she was pointing, but there was nothing
there. Turning back the door to the bathroom closed as WBW made a fast
getaway. The narrator cursed and looked around for somebody to narrate. Aha!


"Are you sure this is going to work?" asked Hiatus.

"Sure I'm sure." said Rumour Monger, "I got it from a good source."

"Uhhuh, maybe we should try something else."

"Of course! We could go back to HQ and explain to Mister Homage that we've
been busy all week coming up with a plan but we didn't think it would work
and so we came home empty-handed." said RM.

Hiatus considered this, and then smiled falsely, "Let's get started shall we?
The sooner we make lots of money the sooner I can cancel my health
insurance!" With a worried grin he strode in to the boardroom of
MakeMoneyFast Enterprises.

"Gentlemen," he greeted the lying, scum-sucking corporate ratbags, "I...
gee, is this narrator biased or what?"

Rumour Monger gestured at him to get on with it as he read files over the
shoulder of William Elliot, the leader of the pack (brrrrrrm, brrrrrrm).

Hiatus regained his balance and continued his spiel, "Gentlemen and ladies,
I am here because this corporation is not making much money. Your stocks
are decreasing in value and your shareholders are unhappy and selling out.
I'm here to turn this corporation around!" He thumped the table emphatically
to make his point, "This company is losing millions of dollars everyday
because you don't know how to market yourself. Well, I've been trained by
the best - Lethal Lawyer himself bestowed upon me this Crossbow for Profit.
And I intend to put it to good use." He brandished the crossbow meaningfully.

A hand was raised.


"And how are we to do this?" enquired one of the faceless board members.

"Simple. We're going to lie, steal, and cheat." said Hiatus confidently.

There were no outcries of shock or horror.

"Am I missing something here?" Hiatus asked.

"We're a corporation," pointed out the original speaker, "We've already done
that. What else have you got?"

"Ummmmm... a crossbow?" suggested Hiatus.

"It's not that innovative I'm afraid."

Hiatus pointed the crossbow at the speaker and pulled the trigger.


"Any more questions?" he asked.

Rumour Monger spoke up, "Yeah, what exactly do you guys sell?"


Mouse toweled off her hair and reached for her sweatshirt.

"What the... I'm not ready yet! Come back in five minutes!" she yelled.


Writers Block Woman was listening to her walkman and dancing around the
living room, "Dancing queen, feel the beat of the tambourine... oh yeah..."


I'm sorry, we're not presenting that scene because I haven't sunk so low as
to admit my characters like ABBA. Or that I do. D'oh!


shrieked Rumour Monger.

"Don't panic, it's not that bad." said Hiatus desperately.


"Would you tone it down on the capitals please? You're acting like you're in
a Rossi comic."

"AAARGH!" Rumour Monger regained his poise, his breath, and his control of
the shift key. "Okay, we've taken over the company. And we have to make a lot
of money. From a company that markets SHAVING CREAM OF ALL THE STUPID
LOUSY..." with a shudder he controlled himself. "There's only one thing we
can do now, and I am going to hate you for it, and this may indeed lead to
me double-crossing you a bit earlier than I'd planned."

"Have you been hanging around X-Intruder?"

"Grrrrr... we're going to have to go to that den of iniquity, where even
villains fear to tread."

"You don't mean..." *DRAMATIC PAUSE*

"Yes... the stockmarket!"

Hiatus fell to his knees, "No! Please, don't make me go!"

Rumour Monger looked at him, "This is going to hurt you a _lot_ more than
it's going to hurt me. And a lot _less_ than Mr Homage is going to hurt
_both_ of us if we don't come up with lots of moolah by the end of the week.
So get up and let's get going."


Writers Block Woman and Mouse were sitting at a table, eating ice-cream and
chattering idly.

"Pass me the paper please." said Mouse, "I need to check something."

Idly flicking through the pages she snickered briefly at the sports section
and then turned to the business section.

"Hmmmm, well, Dad's still doing well. Hey, wait a minute." Mouse stared
closer, then pointed out a picture to her mother. "Does that person look
familiar to you?"

WBW looked at the photo. It was just a brief shot of the stockmarket going
about it's business.

"Nope." she said, shaking her head.

"Aw c'mon. Check out the guy in the green business suit and the fading
square insignia. Don't you recognise him from the LNH villain records?" asked
Mouse, "The ones you were supposed to study."

WBW looked a bit guilty.

"You _did_ study them didn't you?" asked Mouse suspiciously.

"It was a busy week..." said Writers Block Woman defensively.

"I don't believe this." said Mouse, slapping her forehead.

"It's not my fault! They had the Appallingly Tasteless Man listed first in
the file!" protested WBW.

Mouse nodded reluctantly, "Okay... remind me to get Multi-Tasking Man to
remove the photo from that file though. Or at least make it black and white
only. That's Hiatus from the Brotherhood of Net.Villains."

"What would a villain be doing at the stockmarket?" wondered WBW out loud.

"I suppose we'd better find out," sighed Mouse, "You pay the bill, and I'll
get the car."


to be continued....

OF THE BROTHERHOOD of NET.VILLAINS crossover storyline. Stockmarketeers and
net.villains. Hmmmm...


Rumour Monger and Hiatus are part of the Brotherhood of Net.Villains. I don't
know who they belong to, and I would like to note that I am spelling Rumour
with the 'u' because THAT'S HOW WE DO IT HERE! So phtblt. :-)

Browsing Boy is Public Domain.

Writers Block Woman and Mouse are mine.


From: gtd597a at prism.gatech.edu (Michael D. Friedman)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: LNH: Spite Grrrl #5 (An EPISODERETCONBOV...uh wait that's not right)
Date: 25 May 1995 16:12:14 -0400

YAMMERCOMICS proudly presents:
@#@!#$!#                           #@)#&(&@               !#&      
#!                   $#            %#                      #$      
*$($&@%# @##@#. !& $#*@#! #@S#&#   @&  ^%#@ %%*# $@#@ !@&! $%      
      #@ %#  #@ $%   $?   $$===    !@    $! #$   $#   $)   $*      
(&#^@%$@ !%#@$^ #)   #@   $#$@@#   $($#$*(@ $#   %!   [!   #(@     
An LNH title guest starring Nit-Pick Lad!                


By Mike Friedman



Spite Grrrl and Nit-Pick Lad were on a trip to Man.net.toba to
pay a "friendly" visit to a reviewer that thought she was annoying.
On their way, they got sidetracked outside the small suburban town
of Lafay.net, which also happens to have the largest amount of
comic book stores per capita in the nation. 

It was no small coincidence that they ran into Polybag Person.



Polybag Person's mouth dropped wide open as he saw Spite Grrrl 
and Nit-Pick Lad enter through the revolving door.

"Damn," he thought, "The LNH is on to me! I must do something

He pointed towards the two and yelled out, "The LNH will never
get me! I don't know how you found me, but I will prevail."

Nit-Pick Lad glared back at him, "Found you? We weren't looking
for anybody. Who might you be?"

Spite Grrrl paid little attention to either of them as she went
up to concierge's desk, "A room please..."

Polybag Person wasn't sure what to make of the situation, "You're
not here for me?"

Nit-Pick Lad answered calmly, "Why should we be, buddy?"

He looked at the Net.Villain carefully. He was definitely not 
from Lafay.net, that was for sure. He was wearing a large white 
spandex costume with the big letters PP on it in blue. It also
had the words "A Brotherhood of Net.Villains company" below the
large logo. It looked like a spanking new uniform.

"Aha!" exclaimed Nit-Pick Lad, "A Net.Villain! I smelled trouble
when I saw the thousands of Yungblud fans fleeing in terror."

"Oh that," answered Polybag Person, "I just packed LeField in
to a large mylar bag. He's worth millions! The kids these day 
didn't seem to like it too much, though. If you're lucky he might
still have enough air left to sign you an autograph..."

Nit-Pick Lad gasped, "Even if I do not agree with the way of the
LeFields, I cannot allow you to harm an innocent human being. As
an LNH member, I cannot watch this passively."

Spite Grrrl walked up to Nit-Pick Lad and tapped him on the 
shoulder. She whispered in his ear, "I got us a room. Number

He glared back at her, "Do you mind? I'm trying to be heroic and
save another innocent civilian."

"Wha?" asked Spite Grrrl, "You mean that Polybag guy? What's 
wrong with him?"

"I'm not trying to *save* Polybag Person. I'm trying to stop

_He's got LeField in a bag,_ mentioned Trux, who just now thought
he would inform Spite Grrrl.

"Trux! Why didn't you tell me," she yelled.

_No big loss to me. I mean, the guy can't even put a background 
in his panels,_ he replied.

"Yeah, but where else am I gonna get my huge-ass guns? He's the
only one the can make those unrealistic bastards."

_Good point,_ Trux continued, soon taking the conversation off 
topic, as he is wont to do, _Did I ever tell you my theories on
the Contract for America._

Nit-Pick Lad jumped in to the conversation, "Why no Trux. I 
haven't...Holy shiite muslems [Loose play on words noticed - Ed.],
I heard you talk!"

_Yeah,_ Trux added, _I decided I'd let you in to our little pow-

"But," said Spite Grrrl, "I thought you could only talk to me..."

_Nah, I can let anybody hear me. I just never had a reason to._

"What's the reason now?" asked Spite Grrrl, a little disappointed.

_You were getting boring,_ Trux continued, _I needed to vent._

Spite Grrrl gasped as though she had been betrayed.





"Anybody there?"

Polybag Person looked in on the three heroes who seemed to have
forgotten about him. He looked back at LeField, who was starting
to breathe heavily.


Polybag Person sighed and picked up the bag with LeField in it, 
and headed for the elevator. He looked back one more time, and
they were still arguing. He sighed again and walked in to the



"...and another thing: what's with you and that damn attitude?"
yelled Spite Grrrl.

_Attitude? Moi?_ replied Trux, acting innocent.

"Yeah you, you stupid rodent."

"Excuse me, but isn't the bad guy getting away...," Nit-Pick Lad

_Hell, you're the one that kidnaped me on this road trip. I never
wanted to go._

"If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be alive today."

Nit-Pick Lad broke in again, "I hate to pick, but he just went up 
the elevator..."

_Fine. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have, uh...uh..._


_I dunno. You would of done something stupid, probably._

"Like you don't."

"GUYS!" yelled Nit-Pick Lad, "Are we missing the point here? The
bad guy just went upstairs!"

_Shut up, you fool!_ yelled Trux in his best Mr. T impersonation.

"Was that supposed to be Mr. T? Because that didn't sound like 
Mr. T! Mr. T says it with more of inflection to the back of his 
throat.  Kind of like this," said Nit-Pick Lad making the `foo!'

"Hey," interrupted Spite Grrrl, "Don't pick on my buddy like that.
He does a good T."

"What?" questioned Nit-Pick Lad, "That sucked! My mom could do 
better than that. Besides, weren't you just arguing with him a
second ago?"

"Um well. That is... Yeah, but weren't you bitchin' about the 
Polybag guy getting away?"

Suddenly, the three stopped arguing.

"Omigod. That Polybag jerk is gonna kill LeField," realised Spite

_Oh darn. Our endless bickering almost did it again,_ added Trux.

"What do you mean *our* endless bickering?" retorted Spite Grrrl.

"If it wasn't for you two, I'd have had him by now," Nit-Pick Lad

_Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants. I don't see you taking any action..._



Polybag Person was packing up his belongings in his suitcase,
"Damn LNH. How'd they find me?"

"Help," came a cry across the room.

"Oh shut up, LeField," yelled PP, "You are the cause of the most
dreaded and oversold comic in the world. I bought 2000 copies of
Yungblud #1, thinking it would some day be a collectors item. But
no! All of your stupid fan boys had to buy 10 copies each! Well,
tonight, your tyranny ends."

He took out a large cable that was sitting on the TV stand and 
hooked it to the window frame. 

"Now, Mr. LeField," said PP, "You will become my bait. I am getting
out of this place, and those two fools downstairs will be busy 
saving your miserable life. Goodbye."

He hung the giant polybag to the hook, and flung it out the window.
He made sure to see to it that LeField would be hard to get to. PP
then poured his long boxes in to a large cart he found in the motel
laundry room.

"I hope this doesn't harm or bend you, my little bundles of 
infinite cash flow." 

He then pushed the cart down to the service elevator, "Well, time
to announce my departure to the fools downstairs."



"Okay. Okay. I will admit Amanda is cooler than Allison."

_No, Sydney rules!_

Nit-Pick Lad sighed as he sat atop the luggage, "Will you two 
quit contemplating _META.rose Place_ for one second! We have
lost any hope of catching Polybag Person at this rate."

"Oh yeah," realised Spite Grrrl, "But don't worry. We'll catch

"Oh," said Nit-Pick Lad, "I'm really sure! There is no way we
can get him now!"

"*No* way?" asked Spite Grrrl.

"Yes. I said `No way'."

"Are you sure, Mr. *Nit-Pick* Lad?"

"Yeah, unless he is a total fool, or something."

"Aha! I beat you at your own game!"

"What do you mean?"

Spite Grrrl pointed over Nit-Pick Lad's shoulder, gesturing 
towards the elevator where Polybag Person was now standing, 
"Enter: One fool. Ready to catch."

Nit-Pick Lad gulped and turned around. Sure enough, there stood
Polybag Person.

"Okay," he said, "Let's get this guy. And no arguing this time,

_No,_ mentioned Trux, _That's not okay._

Nit-Pick Lad turned to him and yelled, "WHAT!?!"

_A joke!_ answered Trux, _I was just kidding! Jeez!_

The three headed towards Polybag Person, ready to capture him.
But, before they could, a large mylar wall appeared before them.

Polybag Person laughed, "Like that? It's another one of my new
toys. I had a talk with some of my fellow brothers. I'm the 
grittier grimmer all new and improved Polybag Person (TM)!"

He pulled out his semi-automatic polybagger and pointed it at 
them, "Now, I am getting out of here. Meanwhile, I think you
may want to save that innocent civilian that is close to death."

He gestured to the front door, where Spite Grrrl and Nit-Pick
Lad could see a unconscious LeField laying in a giant polybag
that was hanging from the second floor.

PP smirked, "By this time, his lungs were *aching* for air! Of
course, it is your job to save him. My job is to get the hell 
out of here. Goodbye."

He fled down the hallway, towards the service entrance. Spite 
Grrrl banged on the heavy mylar wall, trying to bust through it.

"Give it up," said Nit-Pick Lad, "It's no use. Besides, our duty
is to save LeField. Come on..."



"This would be easy," yelled Spite Grrrl, feeling suddenly like
alluding to last issue, "If I only had my pick axe from the cab, 
but it is broken down on the highway."

"Damn," said Nit-Pick Lad, stomping on the ground, "We've only
got a few minutes before he goes brain-dead from the lack of

_Isn't he already brain-dead?_ commented Trux, _I mean, Budrock
and Com.pany? What the #@*(!@&^ was that???_

"Shut up, Trux," yelled both Spite Grrrl and Nit-Pick Lad 

They all thought quietly for a bit. Not many ideas came up.

Then, suddenly Spite Grrrl had an idea. It was a very good idea.
It was so good, that even the writer of this book could not think
of it. In fact, the writer was almost overjoyed that Spite Grrrl
actually thought of it first, so he could use this wonderful segue
to lead to...



"Why, Spite Grrrl," said LeField, shaking her hand, "How can I 
ever thank for you for that incredibly ingenious way of saving 
me from that untimely fate?"

Spite Grrrl handed LeField a list that was scrawled on the hotel

        1) Yungblud. Please stop! Now!

        2) Backgrounds. Please draw! Now!

        3) Proportion. Please do! Now!

                                Thanks for letting me save you,

                                Spite Grrrl.

"And with that, the day was saved," said Nit-Pick Lad.

_What was that?_ asked Trux.

"Oh," Nit-Pick Lad replied, "Just wrapping up the issue."

_But,_ stuttered Trux, _The bad guy got away._

"Oh, I think not. You see, this is Spite Grrrl's book. You know 
the author wouldn't let the bad guy get away with the loot, would
he? No. You see, I bet Polybag Person's van hits a pothole and he
loses all his comics or something. Or maybe he ruined all his 
comics by pouring them haphazardly into that cart. Yes, I do not
foresee a happy ending to Polybag Person's reign of terror on the
town of Lafay.net. If there is one thing that Nit-Pick Lad can
assuredly pick at correctly is the fact that the author never lets
a plot as big a Polybag Person getting away to go unresolved."



Polybag Person laughed as he sped away in his service van full of
mint condition comics, assured his voyage back to Net.tropolis 
would be a safe one. After all, he did agree to give the author
35% of the profits.



_Heh,_ smirked Trux, _The author let the bad guy win. Imagine that._

Spite Grrrl placed her hand on Nit-Pick Lad's shoulder, "Y'know,
if you are gonna nit-pick something, at least get it right..."

Nit-Pick Lad sighed, "On to Man.net.toba?"

"Nah," replied Spite Grrrl, "I'm a little tuckered out after this
latest adventure. Gumprich lives. I guess I should be good natured
enough to let him have his own opinions. Even if they are wrong."

With that, or three heroes walked into the sunset.

"Ow!" yelled Spite Grrrl, "Who put that damn sunset here?!?!"


NEXT ISSUE: Spite Grrrl fills out some forms!

Spite Grrrl #5 and the characters Spite Grrrl and Trux are copyright
Mike Friedman. (c) 1995 YammerCo. Permission to reprint only with 
this copyright notice. Polybag Person is copyright barnejd at wkuvx1.
wku.edu. Nit-Pick Lad is a public domain LNH character.

Michael Friedman                                gtd597a at prism.gatech.edu
Official Club Nate X-Man Correspondant and Inventor of the Nate-O-Meter!
Read "Arvie the Wonderdog" and "Spite Grrrl" on rec.arts.comics.creative
Join the fight!!!  Keep "Sliders" from cancellation by the Fox network!!


Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer

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