REPOST/LNH: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch #1 out of 4: The Dog That Barked -- Christmas!

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at
Sun Dec 3 13:15:55 PST 2017

Tis the Reposting Season...

This Holiday Special is brought to you by:

Mr. Paprika Brand Eggnog:  Now that's a Man's Eggnog!

Grand Theft Flight.thingee - Northpole:  Guns, Drugs, Prostitutes,=20
Elves, Reindeers, and More Prostitutes!  Finally a video game that puts=20
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And now...

                   The JONG Company proudly presents:


                              #1 (out of 4)

                   The Dog That Barked -- Christmas!

The Ultimate Ninja stretched his arms and gave a yawn as he walked into=20
the LNHQ's lobby.  He was still recovering from the Zombie Thanksgiving,=20
which had happened just yesterday when some satanic vegetarians=20
unleashed demonically possessed frozen turkeys on the citizens of=20
Net.ropolis.  Fortunately, the two brothers: Nomex Man and Captain=20
Napalm were there to help with the trouble.  The Ultimate Ninja imagined=20
that the streets of Net.ropolis still smelled like barbecued turkey.=20
Hopefully, today would be uneventful.  The ninja guessed though that the=20
LNH would be needed for crowd control at the malls to keep the innocent=20
bystanders from killing each other.

As he stepped into the lobby for a cup of coffee and to brief the=20
receptionist Kyoko Ishikawa on a few items, he sensed that something was=20
afoot.  A bunch of LNH'rs were loitering around the receptionist desk=20
laughing and fooling around.  This was never a good sign.  What were=20
they doing?  Their attention seemed to be focused on something.  Some=20
kind of animal.  A dog?

The Ultimate Ninja cleared his throat.

"Oh, hi UN!  Didn't see you there.  Isn't this guy just the cutest!"=20
responded Catalyst Lass holding the small black and white dog close to=20
her face.  "Yes you are!  Yes you are! *giggle*  He's licking my face!"

The Ultimate Ninja gripped the hilt of his katana blade tightly.  "How=20
did this dog get in the building?" he said trying to bring some=20
professionalism back to the conversation.

"Oh, um.  He was already here when I entered the lobby," The=20
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life said shrugging his arms.

"And when I came to work he was already in the building too.  I just=20
thought he was someone's pet," Kyoko said with a nervous tone in her=20
voice wondering if UN was in one of his crazed homicidal killer moods=20
this morning.

"So, no one let him in?  He just waltzed right in the building without=20
setting off any of our highly advanced security equipment?  Is that what=20
you people are saying?"

"Well our security has never really been all that great, UN.  I mean=20
really, it's not like this kind of thing hasn't happened before,"=20
wReamhack interjected and then stepped slightly back as the Ultimate=20
Ninja's gaze found him.  "Um.. not that I approve of this of course.=20
I'm just as disappointed by all this as you are.  Yep.  Disappointed.=20
Really disappointed.  Bad security system!"  wReamhack waved his finger=20
at the security system in a stern manner.

UN sighed.  "You realize that for all we know this dog could be some=20
kind of shapeshifting alien or some demon hellspawn?  You realize that,=20
don't you?  Waiting for his chance to slaughter us all when we have our=20
guard down."

"Oh come on, Ultie!  Quit being such a grinch!  This li'l fella wouldn't=20
hurt a flea.  Would ya?  Would ya?  Yes, yure just a wittle angel!=20
Aren't you?  Yes you are.  Yes you are!"  The little dog responded to=20
Catalyst Lass's questions by licking her face again.

"I did do a scan of him, UN," Dr. Stomper remarked.  "Apparently he's=20
47% poodle, 46% maltese, 4% pit bull, and the last 3% I couldn't identify."

"I guess that makes him a pit maltoodle!" pointed out a scholarly=20
Parking Karma Kid.

"*Ahem* Anyway," Dr. Stomper continued.  "I didn't get any huge power=20
readings.  I think he's harmless."

"Fine.  I don't care.  Do whatever you want people.  I don't care.=20
Please feel free to forget the countless times my paranoia has been=20
proven right.  But if it is some kind of monster that brutally murders=20
all of you, don't pretend you weren't warned.  And believe me if that=20
does happen, I will have no problem telling you people that I told you=20
so.  And when you people die I hope you suffer greatly.  But I don't=20
care.  Nope.  I really don't care.  Kyoko.  If anyone needs me, I'll be=20
in the Peril Room.  Killing things.  Killing a lot of things.  If anyone=20
needs me that is.  Have fun with the demonspawn."

With that said the Ultimate Ninja stomped out of the lobby and towards=20
the Peril Room with a very intense expression on his face.

"Well.  Guess that means we can keep him."  The=20
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life stroked his chin.  "So, what should we call=20

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"*Ahem*.  Could I have your attention people?  If we could all just kind=20
of be quiet.  People?  Are you listening to me, people?  Is this=20
microphone on?  Anyone?" said The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life standing=20
behind a podium interrupting a noisy room packed with LNH'rs.

"Here, Incredible-Man-With-No-Life.  Let me handle this," said=20
Innovative Offense Boy taking over the mike.

"SHUT THE @#%^@&^# @#*&^&$^% UP!!!  The next person that speaks I will=20
personally $%^$^$%^ your #$%^#$%^ with a *&%@$%!!!  Do you understand?=20
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"  Silence washed over the room in a flash with=20
everyone just kind of staring at the podium.  "Okay.  They're all yours."

"Um.. thanks, Innovative Offense Boy.  Well.  I guess you're all=20
wondering why I called this meeting.  As I'm sure you've heard through=20
the rumor mill, the LNH has a new pet.  This guy right here."  The=20
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life picked up the little dog and held him up so=20
everyone could see him.  This was followed by a lot of 'Awwws' and=20
'Isn't he just the cutest?!'.  "But there is one problem!  He doesn't=20
have a name.  And, well, I guess I was wondering if anyone had any=20
possible suggestions?"

With that said, every single LNH'r in the room started to give name=20
suggestions at the same time.  Chaos of course followed.

California Kid: "How about the Doggie Dude, Dude?"

aLLiterative Lass:  "Suddenly, Simon Sounds Simply Superb."

Old Comics Man:  "When I was kid, dogs didn't have names.  We just=20
called them wolves and they would sit by the fire and occasionally we=20
would throw them a chunk of mammoth gristle.  And we liked it that way."

Mojo Dog:  "Ret Rim Rick Ris Rown Rame!  Rarrogant Rumans!!"

wReamhack:  "Old wReller?"

Kid Enthusiastic:  "Edo-o, the Ninjadog!!!  Oh, wait!!!  No. No.  I've=20
got it!!  Puppytron 2000!!!  Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!  No Wait!!  Hold the=20
Phones!!!  I've got it!!! This is the winner!!!!  Yes!!!  Fi-Dorr, the=20
Mighty!!!  Bow Down to the Name Master!!!  Ha!! Ha!!  Oh wait.  Here's a=20
better one...."

Irony Man:  "How about Dog Catcher?"

Kiwi #1238:  "Kiwi!"

Deja Dude:  Rex?  Pouchie?  Fido?  Dogneto?

Easily-Discovered Man Lite:  "I say we call him 'Doctor Apocalypse'.=20
Super-villains tend to respect you a lot more if they think you've=20
turned one of their own into a dog.  Besides, I've always wanted to say,=20
'Assemble the team!  Doctor Apocalypse is on the loose... and he's=20
crapped on the lawn again.'  But maybe that's just me."

Captain Cleanup:  "How about Spotless?"

Vel:  "Fro'nakolshen."

Kiwi #3745:  "Kiwi!"

Self-Righteous Preacher:  "I believe he should be called Pat so he can=20
be named after one of the truly great Americans -- Pat Robertson!"

Super Apathy Lad:  "Feh."

Namer Boy:  "Damn!  The first chance I've ever had to help the LNH by=20
using my naming powers, and I can't because I've got Namer's Block!"

Writer's Block Woman:  "Sir Galahad, Mighty Canine Knight of Goodness!!=20
  Oh, honey, it's your turn!!  Come up with one of those great names=20
you're always coming up with!!  Come on, honey!!  Don't be shy!!=20
Everyone's waiting!!  You can do it!!"

Mouse:  "Oh, for the love of God.  Dog.  There?  Satisfied?"

Sarcastic Lad:  "Writer's Block Woman?  Could you please ask your=20
daughter to turn down the brilliant light that is her creative genius?=20
It's giving me a sunburn!"

Limp-Asparagus Lad: "K-9.  Or is that too intense?"

Fourth Wall Lass:  "Daggit.  And no I'm not going to explain what that=20

Arthur Spitzer: "Fine.  Be that way."

Retcon Lad:  "Captain Carnage, the Death-Laser-Eye-Beamed Dog of

Anal-Retentive Archive Kid:  "Cerebus or Sirius.  I know.  You were=20
probably expecting me to say Garm or Fenris."

Kid Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story:  "Vlorox."

No-Point Lad:  "Insert-Name-Here Dog."

Dismal-Hope Kid:  "Abysmal Mutt."

No-Point Lad: "Hmm, we're in the wrong imprint."

Dismal-Hope Kid:  "Does it really matter?"

No-Point Lad:  "Nope.  It never does."

Kiwi #5688: "Kiwi!  Kiwi!"

Marvel Zombie Lad:  "X-Dog!"

Sing-Along Lass:  "How much is that doggie in the window...?"


Kid Anarky:  "ANARCHY!  ANARCHY!  Whoops!  Sorry folks.  Got carried=20
away there."

"Okay!  Okay, people!" shouted the Incredible-Man-With-No-Life trying to=20
maintain some order.  "These are all great suggestions, but we can only=20
give him one name!  I think the best and most fair way to pick our dog's=20
name would be to have..."

"A Knife Fight!!!" said a gentleman who pulled out a big ass knife from=20
his trenchcoat.  Various other select LNH'rs started chanting, "Knife=20
Fight!  Knife Fight!"

"NO!  Not a knife fight!  As I was going to say, we should have someone=20
pick a name from a hat and whatever that name is will become the dog's=20
new name."  Most of the LNH'rs agreed that this was a sound plan, but=20
there were murmurs from a few disappointed LNH'rs as they put away their=20

So someone grabbed a hat from the LNH Hat Room and passed it around to=20
each LNH'r.  After each LNH'r had put in a slip of paper, the hat was=20
given to Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad so he could use his mutant ability=20
to pull pieces of paper from hats and pick the winning name.

Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad cracked his knuckles.=20
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad blew into his hands.=20
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad took a deep breath.  Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats=20
Lad gave a long dramatic pause because hey, let's face it -- this will=20
probably be the only LNH story he ever appears in.  And faster than any=20
person alive could pull a piece of paper out of a hat,=20
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad had the winning name in the palm of his hand.

"And the winner is..."  Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad gave another long=20
dramatic pause.  "... Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch!!!!!"

After that announcement there was a brief uncomfortable silence followed=20
by a very loud voice of displeasure from the mob of LNH'rs.

"What the hell...?"

"Who thought up that stupid name?!!"

"Dude!  Why must such a cool dog be forced to carry the burden of such a=20
lame name?!  Why, Heavenly Father Dude?  Why?"

"Kill Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad!"

"Okay!  Settle down folks!  Let's just settle down!"  The=20
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life banged the LNH Meeting Room gavel down.=20
"Look, I Agree.  Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch is a lame name.=20
  It might very well be the lamest name that anyone has ever had.  But=20
we all agreed that whichever name was pulled would be the name that we=20
gave this dog.  And maybe none of us, well except for the sick twisted=20
bastard who came up with the name, likes it.  But we're going to have to=20
learn to live with it because for better or for worse it's our dog's new=20
name. Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch.  God help him."

(Footnote Girl: * - Fro'nakolshen is Dorfan for 'Stupid furry thing that=20
pees on the rug.'  Oh, and I think Fluffy would be a keen name.  Oh?=20
The name-picking contest is over?  Never mind.  *Sigh*.)

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"No.  I refuse to make him a member of the LNH."

"But Ultimate Ninja..."

"I let you people keep the dog, but there is no way in hell he is ever=20
going to be a member of the LNH!  The LNH has certain standards to uphold."

"Standards?  When we did get those?" gulped a concerned wReamhack.

"Today," the Ultimate Ninja said without a hint of humor.

"UN, you're not giving him a chance!" pleaded Mainstream Man.

"A chance?  Okay.  I'll give him a chance.  If he can survive one minute=20
with me in the Peril Room, he can become a member of the LNH."

"One Minute?!  There's no way he could..." Adamant=20
Authority-on-Everything began to say.

"Look.  This isn't a social club.  The LNH faces hordes of supervillains=20
every day.  Every single day might be an LNH member's last one.  Anyone=20
who can't survive at least one minute with me doesn't deserve to be an=20
LNH'r.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  If Cauliflower wants to be an LNH'r then=20
tell him to meet me in the Peril Room.  At noon.  Today."

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<<~In the upper right hand corner sharpening his Ginsu Katana blade we=20
have The Unstoppable, The Unbeatable, and still Undefeated Champion of=20
the Peril Room:  The Ultimate Ninja!!!!~>>

A bit of half-hearted applause and a few boos and hisses came from Peril=20
Room Monitoring Room.

<<~And in the lower left hand corner we have today's challenger -- The=20
Cutest, Most Adorable, Furry Little Fellow there ever was: Cauliflower=20
the Christmas Miracle Pooch!!!!!!!!!~>>

A huge burst of applause and cheers shook the Monitoring Room.

<<~Are the fighters ready and in position?  Okay then, Let's -- Get=20
Ready  -- To -- wRummmble!!!!~>> shouted the announcer wReamhack.

"Oh this is horrible!  I can't watch this!" Catalyst Lass said as she=20
covered her eyes with her hands.

<(I agree.  Very barbaric.  Still.  I must know,)>  Hooded Ho`'od Win=20
gazed intensely at the monitoring room screen.

"You shouldn't worry Cat," Dr. Stomper pointed out.  "Because of the way=20
the Peril Room operates whatever horrible cruelties the Ultimate Ninja=20
inflicts on Cauliflower, it won't *really* happen except in the Peril=20
Room.  That being said, I imagine there will still be quite a bit of=20
psychological trauma."

"Boy, that little dog sure has a lot of guts!" Cliche Dude observed.

"Yeah.  To bad in a few more seconds they'll be all over the Peril Room=20
walls," responded Bad Timing Boy.

"Run, Cauliflower!  Run!" shouted Cliche Dude.

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"It won't work.  That thing you're doing -- with your puppy dog eyes and=20
the tail wagging.  It won't work.  I've killed tons more cuter and more=20
adorable things than you.  I suggest right now that you pray to whatever=20
gods you worship for a painless merciful death.  Because that death --=20
well -- it's coming," The Ultimate Ninja said to the cute little black=20
and white dog wagging his tail.

Now, how would he do this, The Ultimate Ninja thought to himself.  Maybe=20
a little disemboweling to start things off?  Then maybe he could=20
strangle Cauliflower with his own spinal cord.  Hmm.  What was that=20
smell?  It was like eggnog.  Hmm.  Eggnog.  That would be good right=20
now.  A nice big glass of eggnog.  Yeah.  That would hit the spot.=20
Eggnog?  Why the hell was he thinking about eggnog?  Dammit!  Stay=20
focused.  Kill Cauliflower.  Kill Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle=20
Pooch.  Hmm.  Christmas.  Maybe this year he should put up lights on the=20
LNHQ?  It would sure look pretty all dressed up with lights.  Flashing=20
and flashing.  And with all the LNH's high tech equipment they would=20
surely win the big Net.ropolis Holiday Festival Light Spectacular this=20
year.  Arrrgrrgggrrrrhhhhh!!!!  What was happening to him?

Then the memories started to come.  Memories of Christmases past.  There=20
was that time when he was five years old and he was helping his father=20
decorate the ninja bush.  And shortly afterwards being rushed to the=20
hospital because of the lacerations caused by the ninja bush.  Or the=20
time when he was seven and had gotten his first Ginsu Kantana blade.  Or=20
his first Christmas as a member of the LNH back in '92.  Bad Timing Boy=20
accidentally burning down the Christmas tree which in turn caused the=20
entire LNHQ to burn down also.  Rebel Yell trying to explain to=20
reporters what had exactly happened.  That was hilarious.  Sigh.  Those=20
were the days.

So that's your power, is it?  The Power of Christmas?  The Ultimate=20
Ninja started to lose balance.  He could feel the Spirit of Christmas=20
crushing him to the floor.  The strain was becoming unbearable.  Every=20
Christmas tune there had ever been started ringing through his head.=20
Sugar Plum Fairies rushing through his veins.  God, he wanted to kill=20
that dog.  But it didn't feel like a very Christmassy thing to do.

"Please!  Stop it!  For the love of God just stop it!  I can't take=20
these Christmassy feelings.  You can be a member of the LNH!  I give in!=20
  Just stop it!"

And suddenly the Ultimate Ninja felt normal again.

"Oh.  And one more thing," the Ultimate Ninja said as he threw his blade=20
into Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch's skull.  "Never.  And I=20
mean never, make me feel like singing, 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'.=20
  Got it?  Good.  Welcome to the LNH."

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"I was wondering when you people would show up.  As you can see, me and=20
Santa have been waiting a long time."  The various LNH'rs who had=20
stormed into Y-Plex Burp's secret base noticed an unconscious Santa=20
Claus strapped to a Mega-thermonuclear warhead.  Y-Plex Burp stood in=20
the middle surrounded by a bunch of hired thugs.

There was a *KLANG* as the Ultimate Ninja's katana blade hit something=20
in mid-air.

"Nice Shot, Ultimate Ninja," laughed Y-Plex Burp.  "If it hadn't been=20
for my force field, you might have killed me.  Then again maybe that=20
would have been a bad idea since if you had killed me that would have=20
triggered off my Mega-thermonuclear warhead causing all of Net.ropolis=20
to become a huge crater.  And if any member of the LNH touches me, the=20
bomb, or Santa Clause then -- the same thing.  Boom.  Bye, bye,=20
Net.ropolis.  Oh, and before I forget, hired thugs?  KILL THEM!!!!"

With that the hired thugs took out their submachine guns and started=20
firing.  About five seconds later, the LNH without a single scratch had=20
disposed of everyone of Y-Plex Burp's hired thugs.

"Damn.  One of these days I'm going to have to buy myself some better=20
trained thugs.  Oh well.  Doesn't matter.  You see no matter what you do=20
the bomb's still going to go off.  It's out of your control, LNH.  Out=20
of your control."

"But -- if the bomb goes off," said Catalyst Lass in a very calm and=20
controlled manner, "Then you're going to die too.  You don't want to die=20
-- Do you?"

"I don't want to die?" Y-Plex Burp said in a smug voice.  "I beg to=20
differ, Catalyst Lass.  Oh BTW I should perhaps mention that your mental=20
voodoo is totally ineffective on me as are the rest of the LNH's powers.=20
  I've made myself resistant to each and everyone of them.  I've been=20
planning this little escapade a bit too long to have any one member of=20
the LNH stop me.  And now as to wanting to die, let me ask you, Catalyst=20
Lass; who is the greatest LNH Villain of all time?"

"Umm, Dr. Killfile?" Catalyst Lass guessed.

"No way -- it's got to be Tsar Chasm, well before he became Mouse's=20
boyfriend that is," said another hero.  Mouse glared back.

"You guys are nuts!  It's wReamicus Maximus!"

"Acton Lord, people!  It's Acton Lord!"

"*ahem* Lagneto *ahem*," noted Deja Dude.

"Hey, what about the Time Crapper?"

"Ha ha.  See?  Even the Time Crapper!  Even the Time Crapper gets=20
consideration over me!  When people think of the greatest LNH villains=20
of all time, no one ever thinks about me -- Y-Plex Burp!  I guess I=20
can't blame them.  Every single scheme I've had has been a failure.  My=20
whole life has been a huge pathetic failure.  The only thing I ever=20
managed to accomplish was to drive Rebel Yell away from the LNH.  And=20
that was only an accidental byproduct of another failed scheme.  So do I=20
want to die?  Yes.  If your life was a pathetic waste like mine, I=20
imagine you'd want to die too."

"Well, boo hoo," responded a not to sympathetic Ultimate Ninja.  "Tell=20
you what, Y-Plex.  Turn off the forcefield and the bomb, and I'll=20
happily give you that death.  And I'll even drag you to hell, no extra=20
charge.  What do you say?"

"Heh!  Thanks for the offer, UN.  But, no -- I think I'll do this my=20
way.  So here's my deal to save Net.ropolis and Santa Claus and for that=20
matter me: I want every single member of the LNH to commit suicide.  If=20
you all do that I promise to turn off the bomb and free Santa Clause so=20
everyone can have a wonderful Christmas.  What do you say?"

"You're totally insane," said Sister State the Obvious.

"I know.  Isn't it wonderful?  But my deal still stands.  So who's going=20
to die?  The LNH?  Or the LNH, Net.ropolis, and Santa Clause?  Common=20
sense would dictate that it should just be the LNH.  And maybe it's=20
about time.  The LNH is kind of a tired old beast, isn't it?  It's been=20
12 years and the writers and readers are starting to lose interest.=20
Maybe it's about time that the LNH had its Grand Finale.  And what=20
better way to go than to save good dear old Net.ropolis one last time by=20
committing mass suicide.  That would be a great story, wouldn't it?  I=20
think so.  Oh well.  It's up to you."

Silence filled the room.

And Y-Plex Burp smiled as he continued, "Well, guess now the question is=20
who will be the first to do the deed?  You know who would be a good=20
first choice?  Cannon Fodder.  I mean, heck, he's an old pro at this --=20
aren't you?  You can show your teammates how it's done.  How to die.=20
You've got 30 seconds, Cannon Fodder.  And if you're still alive after=20
those 30 seconds then a lot of people in Net.ropolis are going to be=20
very toasty.  Let us begin.  30 mississippi 29 mississippi 28=20

Cannon Fodder looked at the Ultimate Ninja.  The ninja nodded his head.

Cannon Fodder pulled out a gun from his belt.  And then he loaded a=20
bullet from his shirt.  And then he placed the nuzzle of the gun to his=20
temple.  He waited till the 30 seconds were almost over.  And then he=20
closed his eyes tightly and whispered a prayer to himself.  And then he=20
pulled the trigger.  There was a loud bang.  And then Cannon Fodder's=20
lifeless body hit the ground.

Catalyst Lass winced as she looked at the blood oozing out of Cannon=20
Fodder's head.  "Oh, Jesus."

"Well that wasn't so hard, was it?" said a gloating Y-Plex Burp.  "You=20
know what we'll try next?  Let's try someone who won't come back to=20
life.  How's that sound?  Any volunteers?"

"Me," the Ultimate Ninja said in a grim expressionless tone.  "I volunteer.=

"Wow.  You know, I was going to save you for last.  But hey, since I'm=20
such a nice guy what the hell.  But how are you going to die?  You know=20
what I'd like to see?  You know that thing where you pull the person's=20
heart right out of their chest?  What's that called?  Oh yeah, the=20
Heartthrob!  What a funny name.  And you've performed that on all kinds=20
of people, haven't you?  But can you do it to yourself?  That's what I'm=20
wondering.  Can you just take your hand and pull the heart right out of=20
your own chest?  I guess we're all going to find out."

Catalyst Lass put her hand on the Ultimate Ninja's shoulder.

"Don't try to stop me, Cat."

"I'm not.  I just wanted you to know that you were the best leader the=20
LNH ever had."

"I know," the Ultimate Ninja nodded in agreement.  "I don't want my=20
death to be in vain.  I want you to do whatever it takes to bring this=20
@#$%&$% down.  Do you understand?"

"We will."  Catalyst Lass rubbed one of her eyes.  "We will."

The Ultimate Ninja walked over to an area of the room right in front of=20
Y-Plex Burp and then sat down in seppuku position.  He tore open his=20
black shirt to reveal his bare muscle-bound chest.  And then he took off=20
a black glove on his right hand.  He took a few meditative breaths as he=20
prepared to perform the Heartthrob on himself.

"Well, since you're ready, let your 30 seconds begin -- Now!  30=20
mississippi 29 mississippi... Oh man, this is great!  In less than 30=20
seconds the Ultimate Ninja is going to die!  And I'm the one that made=20
this happen.  Y-Plex Burp -- not Dr. Killfile or wReamicus Maximus or=20
any of those other losers!  Man, this going to be the best Christmas=20
ever.  And you know what would be really great right now?  A nice big=20
glass of eggnog!  What the.. weird.  Why am I thinking about eggnog?=20
Wait!  How did that cute little dog get in here?"

The Ultimate Ninja paused his Heartthrob ritual.  Had a miracle arrived?=20
  A Christmas miracle?

"That dog," Y-Plex Burp said watching Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle=20
Pooch get closer and closer to him.  "He reminds me of someone I once=20
knew.  He -- no.  It can't be.  Is that you?  Is that really you?  Oh my=20
god!  Mr. Bojangles?  Is that you?  Mr. Bojangles?  But you were taken=20
away by the Space Aliens?  When I was ten years old.  I remember it like=20
yesterday.  But you're back!  You found me after all these years!  How=20
did you get away from them?  Come over here.  Come on boy!  What?  Oh=20
that's right.  The forcefield!  Here, wait a sec."

Y-Plex Burp clicked a button on his belt that gave Cauliflower enough=20
time to jump into his arms before the forcefield returned.  "My god.=20
This is amazing.  After all these years we're back together!  All these=20
years.  I always wondered what might have happened if those Space Aliens=20
hadn't kidnapped you.  What wonderful adventures we might have had.=20
Perhaps we could have both made the world a better place.  Perhaps...=20
Wait one bloody sec!  Mr. Bojangles didn't have blue eyes.  Who the=20
hell.. *Urk*!"

Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch quickly jumped out of Y-Plex=20
Burp's arms as Y-Plex stumbled to the floor.

"What happened here?" Catalyst Lass asked as she got quickly over to=20
where Y-Plex Burp's unconscious body was.

"It's the Black Lotus Fingerlicking Maneuver," the Ultimate Ninja=20
responded as he joined Catalyst Lass.  "If you lick a finger at the=20
right pressure point you can send a person into a coma for several=20
months.  I figured if Cauliflower was going to go on missions, he should=20
probably know some fighting techniques."

"The Bomb!" shouted Contraption Man.  "It's starting to count down!=20
What are we going to do?  None of us can touch it!"

The Ultimate Ninja assessed the situation.  "Cauliflower can.  He was=20
able to touch Y-Plex Burp without causing the bomb to blow up, which=20
means whatever records Y-Plex Burp had they didn't include any with=20
Cauliflower.  That means it should be safe for him to deactivate the=20
bomb.  You just need to tell him what to do, Contraption Man."

"But I can't speak dog!"

Ultimate Ninja nodded and then clicked on his comm.thingee.=20
"Multi-Tasking Man?  I want you to hook me up with Linguist Lass pronto!"

    |       |       |       |       |       |       |       |       |
  --*--   --*--   --*--   --*--   --*--   --*--   --*--   --*--   --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

"This is Betty Breasts reporting for the Net.ropolis.News.Network Live=20
at the Net.ropolis Secret Hideout District.  We've just gotten word in=20
that the Santa Claus hostage crisis has just been taken care of.  The=20
police are right now hauling in Y-Plex Burp's hired thugs and we've=20
gotten word that Y-Plex Burp has been sent to Lost Cause Boy Memorial=20
Hospital in critical condition.  Reports are that Santa Claus is fine=20
and only a little bit shaken up.  The Mega-thermonuclear warhead that=20
Santa was strapped to has been deactivated.  The word is that one LNH'r=20
in particular is responsible for saving the day.  He's a new LNH'r by=20
the name of Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch and if it hadn't=20
been for him, Net.ropolis might very well be a gigantic crater."

"It's got this reporter wondering if a new era in the LNH has begun.=20
And if so what will this new Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch era=20
bring?  Back to you Pete."

    |       |       |       |       |       |       |       |       |
  --*--   --*--   --*--   --*--   --*--   --*--   --*--   --*--   --*--
--***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***-- --***--

NEXT:  Is Cauliflower the traitor who will destroy the LNH that=20
Contraption Man foresaw?  Or did someone already resolve that dangler?

Special thanks to Jesse Willey, Andrew Perron, Martin Phipps, Rob=20
Rogers, Saxon Brenton, Jaelle, and Tim Munn for giving possible names=20
for the dog and dialogue suggestions.

The Incredible Man-With-No-Life is Enrique Conty's

Ultimate Ninja, wReam Hacker, Adamant Authority-on-Everything, Cannon=20
Fodder, Sister State the Obvious, and Self-Righteous Preacher are wReam's

Y-Plex Burp is Robert A Goodfellow's

Vel is Jesse Willey's

Deja Dude is Martin Phipp's

Writer's Block Woman and Mouse are Jaelle's

Limp-Asparagus Lad, Fourth Wall Lass, Retcon Lad, Anal-Retentive Archive=20
Kid, Kid Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story, and Footnote Girl are=20
Saxon Brenton's

Kid Enthusiastic is Andrew Perron's

No-Point Lad, Dismal-Hope Kid are Tim Munn's

California Kid  is Dan'l Danehy-Oakes's

Marvel Zombie Lad is Ben Pierce's

Super Apathy Lad is Jacob Lesgold's

Irony Man is Doug Moran's

Dr. Stomper is T. M. Neeck's

Parking Karma Kid is Steve Simmons's

Catalyst Lass is Elisabeth Anne Riba's

Bad Timing Boy is Vernon H Harmon's

Mainstream Man is Mark A Nicol's

Kyoko Ishikawa is Ken Schmidt's

Innovative Offense Boy is uplink's

aLLiterative Lass is Charles Fitzgerald's

Old Comics Man is Douglass Barre's

Mojo Dog is Abhay Khosla's

Easily-Discovered Man Lite is Rob Roger's

Kid Anarky is Steph Savoie's

Sarcastic Lad is The Saint's

Sing-Along Lass and Contraption Man are The Drizzt's

Kiwis are Ian Porell's

I'm sure I probably forgot someone.  None of these characters used with=20
permission.  Yeah I'm on the road to hell.

Author's Note:  I was originally going to make this a one-shot special,=20
but it seemed to get longer and longer so I decided to make it a=20
mini-series.  There are probably tons of grammar mistakes since I rushed=20
this out without editing it.

Arthur "Bark!" Spitzer

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