LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #38: The Crimes of the Brotherhood (not going to type up that whole title) Part One
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Dec 3 11:46:27 PST 2017
Okay, let's see if I have now completely freed myself from the bonds
of Super Apathy Lad to start this thing again.
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the first part of the whole EMPLOYEE-EMPOWERED, PARADIGM-SHIFTED,
INDIVIDUAL-OWNERSHIP, DOWNSIZED, STREAMLINED, REENVIGORATED CRIMES of
the BROTHERHOOD of NET.VILLAINS!!
Joltin' Jeff McCoskey writes the first part of this crossover in the pages
of System Corruptors 21b.
And in the second part we have Generation Y #9 by Martin Phipps.
_
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #38
=====================
The Crimes of the Brotherhood Part One
=====================
From: jjmcc at ix.netcom.com (Jeff McCoskey)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative,alt.comics.lnh
Subject: LNH: System Corruptors #21b -- EEPSIODSRCotBoNV #1
Date: 28 Apr 1995 19:29:32 GMT
School for Swindle
(Featuring the BROTHERHOOD of NET.VILLAINS!)
[8:00 am]
Mr. Homage stood at a podium before the assembled Brotherhood of
Net.Villains, his armor imposing as ever. "I see you all know better
than to be late...excepting Revamp Lass. Haitus?!"
The open-faced villain turned beet red. "I, that is, she..."
"Never mind. I'll deal with her later. As you know, profits have
been slipping lately. In an effort to turn things around, a high-priced
consultant [actually Netlurker -- seen LNH Triple Play #6, Ed.] has
reccommended some modernizations of our business practices. Today,
another high-priced consultant is presenting a "One Day to Better
Business Cliches" seminar to bring us up to speed. Pay attention.
Learn. _Do not fail me_." The Net.Villains gulped as one. Mr. Homage
stormed off.
A tall, energetic man in a casual suite ran up on the stage. He
made Captain Caffiene look lethargic. "Hey! You are all powered! Do
you feel the power? I feel the power waving off you! Do you feel your
personal potential bubbling up inside like a great volcano?! Let it
out!! Be the villain you want to be!! You are powerful! You are evil!
And doggone it people fear you!" The Brotherhood of Net.Villains was
decidedly lukewarm in its response, but that didn't faze the tall man in
the slightest. "You're going to learn some fantastic, fantastic things
about your personal power today, and how to channel that power to remake
your lives and your company literally overnight! I've felt it and I'm
just excited knowing you're going to feel it. I'd like to start with a
few team building excercises, to remind ourselves how powerful we all
are when we band together. I know some great role-playing scenarios,
but does anyone want to suggest a team building activity?"
Grim's bass grumble answered, "I think I know one we can all get
behind." He fitted brass knuckles as Gritty broke a bottle on the seat
in front of her.
[8:30 am]
As the tall man was rushed out on a stretcher, the Brotherhood
filed into the classroom. A decidedly uncomfortable-looking Lethal
Lawyer stood at the front of the class. "Last minute change of
instructors, heh. Welcome to 'One Day to Better Business Cliches.'
First off some ground rules. This is a give and take seminar, for it to
work you must speak your mind openly. You see the white boards hung
around the walls. Anytime someone says something he or she will write
it on the board. Everything we say is valuable and we want to trap them
all. At the end of the class, we'll go around the white boards and
insure all points have been discussed. You also should know that Mr.
Homage is not here -- this is just between us employees and everything
that gets said stays here.
"You see around you representations of your new offices -- you
will all get 10x10 cubicles in the HQ -- everyone from Mr. Homage on
down." (Somewhere in the Brotherhood's Lair a roared "WHAT?!?!"
echoed.) "No doors, no windows, no big desks, everyone uniform and
equal. Ideas flow best between peers and after today, this is a company
of peers.
"If you look at the name cards on the desks in the cubicles,
you'll find..."
"What in the world is this?" asked Amnesia. He was holding a card
that said 'Amnesia: Don't forget the bottom line!' Other cards around
said, 'Professor Perhap: Maybe there's a better way!', 'Color-Error
Man: It's no mistake, we're in the Black!' and 'Repetitive Lad:
Profit! Profit! Profit!' "
"I think it's time for more team building," rumbled Grim pounding
his fist into his hand.
Lethal Lawyer tugged at his collar nervously. "No no, I think we
should all just take our seats. Those name cards are your Goal Focus
Reminders. More on them later. For now, take some time setting up your
workspace. You have the most advanced fully articulated desks and
chairs to ergonometrically maximize your comfort and performance.
Settle in, try them out." The villains began adjusting levers and knobs
slowly configuring their workspace. "If anyone needs any help..."
A hand shot up among a one-man tangle of oversized thighs, bulging
pectorals and rock hard calves.
"Sorry about that Robgoblin, we may have to get yours
customized..."
[9:00 am]
"Ok, for the meat of the course, let's start out with a little
brainstorming. We'll go around the room, everyone get a marker and
we'll write suggestions on the white boards about how to improve this
place. Lobdell Lad, you start."
"Well for starters, we could stand a little modernization."
"Modernization. Good."
"I mean, I'm not saying the place is old, but the roaches are
drawing social security."
"Very funny, yes, how about..."
"And lets look at upgrading the cafeteria too. I mean I'm not
saying the food is bad but I saw a dog cleaning himself to get the
chicken salad taste out of his mouth...am I going too fast for
you?...How many out-of-towners here tonight?"
Lethal Lawyer jumped in. "X-Intruder! We have modernization!
What would you reccommend?"
"Angst. Definitely more angst. (Was my answer good enough? Will
they think less of me? OH MY GOD -- I'm using a YELLOW MARKER!)"
"Modernization and Angst. Plotchopper?"
"More creative freedom. Mr. Homage rules us like a tyrant -- how
does he know what's best...?" The Lair rumbled with a distant roar.
"No, that's a good one. Modernization, Angst and Creative
Freedom. Color-Error Man?"
C-E Man looked sickly at the video cameras in the room's corners
he'd just noticed. "Uh, I think Mr. Homage needs a larger salary." The
other Net.Villains followed his gaze.
"I see. Rumor Monger what would you add?"
"He took mine! Larger salary for Mr. Homage, definitely."
"Hey, no fair! You guys copied off my white board!"
"That was my idea!"
After the cacophany of 'me toos' died down, Lethal Lawyer tried
again. "Ok, we've got some ideas here. Professor Perhap, what changes
could you think of?" The rest of the group groaned.
[9:42 am]
"...and What If the accounting department deferred gains into next
year?..."
[10:23 am]
"...or suppose we moved the corporate office to Germa.Net?..."
[10:55 am]
"...by crosslinking a computer network of security system
codes..."
[11:36 am]
"...alternate covers for each phase of the moon..." The white
boards were completely covered with the Professor's scrawlings. The
rest of the Net.Villains (excepting Robgoblin) had retired to their
cubicles wehre they enjoyed an ergonometrically pleasing nap.
"Enough! Eraserhead, Hooded Ho`'od Win II take all these white
boards and burn them!"
The Professor looked surprised. "I'm just getting started!"
"Let's, uh, save it for later. The rest of you, I'm handing out
what we call our 'Compass of Quality'." Lethal Lawyer passed out some
small Cracker-Jack compasses, with each of the cardinal directions
marked as 'P.'
"As you can see, the 'Compass of Quality' is an ever-present
reminder of Perfect Crimes' four 'P's -- Profit, Planning, Practice and,
uh, the HMS Pinafore."
"The what?" asked Romantic Innuendo.
"Never underestimate the motivational nature of a good Gilbert and
Sullivan."
Captain Coredump raised his hand. "I'm not sure I get the
analogy. Does this mean we can only go towards one P at a time?"
Rumor Monger leaned over. "No, two. You could go Profit-Practice
for example."
Gritty scratched her head. "What if I wanted to go Planning by
Planning-Pinafore?"
"You'd sure be headed away from Profit-Practice, that's for sure."
"Mine's pointing to Practice, do I just follow it?"
Lethal Lawyer surveyed the confused group playing with the
compasses through half-closed eyes. "Let's just hand those back in, ok?
We'll break for lunch and be back at one."
[1:00 pm]
"Welcome back. I think there was some confusion over the
Compasses of Quality, so we're going to try another one that might work
better. I'm handing out the 'Coronets of Quality.'" Lethal Lawyer
began distributing small plastic horns with three plungers on them.
"The three valves to beautiful Crime are Profit, Planning and
Practice..."
Amnesia interrupted, "You forgot HMS Pinafore."
"Forget the Pinafore."
"But I'm an E-e-e-e-e-e-englishman," quipped Demented Designer.
Polybag Person had begun blowing through it, making horrible wailing.
Hiatus leaned in helpfully, "No no, you need a better amisher..."
"What is Kelly McGillis doing these days?" pondered Romantic
Innuendo.
"Not Amish, amisher..."
Lethal Lawyer's tired voice broke in. "Please. Pass. Them back.
In."
[2:45 pm]
"...so you see how the Japanese manufacturing technique of Kan Ban
can be adapted to your own Crime Ban for better efficiency and
labelling. Let's move on to advanced business practices. Do you have
Flextime here at the BoN.V?"
"We're perfectly flexible to arrive anytime before eight, and we
can leave anytime we like after five," noted Robgoblin.
"I see. How many of you think you would be more productive if you
could schedule work around your other activities?"
"What do you mean?" asked Color-Error Man.
"For example, if you had a court date. You wouldn't want to miss
that right? With flex time, you set your own hours...."
"Hey, that'd be real helpful during baseball season," said Grim.
"Well..."
"Ooh, I'd never miss the soaps," clapped Romantic Innuendo.
"That's not really how..."
"What about telecommuting? Why go to work at all?" Professor
Perhap noted.
"Good suggestion! For special home days you could..."
"Gee could we play Doom over the network telecommuting?" asked
Captain Coredump.
"Not if you're logged on," muttered PP.
"That's not what tele..." began Lethal Lawyer.
"No no! Descent!" said Demented Designer.
"Do we actually have to be in the same room as the computer for it
to count as work?" asked Plotchopper.
Lethal Lawyer sighed.
[3:50 pm]
"...goal-oriented, empowered, profit-sharing -- do you see now how
it all fits together to make the Brotherhood of Net.Villains the
envigorated Looniversal Crime Syndicate for the next decade?"
The Brotherhood exhibited various degrees of understanding, but to
a man (and woman) finally seemed motivated about the prospect.
"Now, to close it all up, I'm going to try one more time with the
'Crossbows of Quality'. The arrow is aimed at Profits, propelled by the
twin bow arms of Planning and Practice, triggered by, uh, Poultry."
"I liked it better as Pinafore," said Rumor Monger.
"Definitely better than the Cafeteria's chicken salad," quipped
Lobdell Lad.
"Does this finally make sense to you? The analogy clear?"
interrupted the speaker.
The Brotherhood of Net.Villains looked around the room to each
other. As one, they leveled the crossbows at Lethal Lawyer.
>thwackthwackthwackthwackthwackthwackthwackthwackthwack<
"Now _that's_ Quality work," declared Grim.
[4:00 pm]
Mr. Homage strode back into the room as Lethal Lawyer was hustled
off on a stretcher muttering something about the 'Cushions of Quality.'
"Well. You have all seen what it takes to make us competitive
with the newer criminal organizations. Though it is against my better
judgement, I sunk a lot of money in this project. So. I am issuing
each of you a challenge:
"Each of you, alone or in pairs, may plan and execute your own
crimes. The moratorium on LNH-attention is over. Plan it as you see
fit. You each have one month, one thousand dollars seed, and an
unlimited supply of manpower from our Goon department. The crime that
garners the largest profit will get a near-equal share of the profits of
all the crimes as me." It was obvious that 'Profit-sharing' sat on Mr.
Homage's tongue like a dead bug. The Brotherhood applauded loudly at
the announcement, especially Repetitive Lad, who fingered a worn red fez
and cackled gleefully to himself as he did so.
"Anyone that fails to turn a profit, or God help them posts a
loss, will get to visit our antiquated 'Performance Review' Department."
The applause faltered and died.
"So Brotherhood, I hope you paid attention today. Use these new
envigorated, goal-oriented ideals. Ladies and Gentlemen, May is the
month the Brotherhood of Net.Villains goes BACK IN BLACK!
"Let Net.ropolis beware the EMPLOYEE-EMPOWERED, PARADIGM-SHIFTED,
INDIVIDUAL-OWNERSHIP, DOWNSIZED, STREAMLINED, REENVIGORATED CRIMES of
the BROTHERHOOD of NET.VILLAINS!!"
---====--- ---====--- ---====---
The LNH Spring Crossover begins! Follow the story in all your favorite LNH
titles: Swordmaster, Decibel Dude and Vigilante Guy, Continuity Champ and
the Drizzt Defenders, Generation Y, LNH Triple Play, Unlikely Aliens,
Easily-Discovered Man and Spite Grrrl. And, dare we say it, _Ultimate
Ninja_??
From: Martin <CXMP000 at MUSICA.MCGILL.CA>
Newsgroups: alt.comics.lnh,rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: LNH: Generation Y #9 -- EEPSIODSRCotBoNV #2
Date: 29 APR 95 12:02:19 EST
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\ ~~~ // // / | // // ~~ |/ ~~ / / / / // ~~ // / | / | |
~~~~~ ~~ ~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~ ~~~
#9 -- Infinite Possibilities, Part I
Legion Headquarters:
"Let me get this straight," Bizarre Boy said with a sigh, "half the
team is... 'reserved'."
Net.iquette Lad nodded. "Bad-Timing Boy is currently is an LNH Comics
Presents storyline, Squeaky Clean is currently appearing in Elsewheres
and Continuity Champ Junior is scheduled for an upcoming appearance in
Continuity Champ and the Drizzt Defenders," he explained.
"That just leaves me, Aili and Insomnia Boy," Bizarre Boy mused.
"We probably should start calling him 'Melvin'," Pizza Girl suggested,
"now that his name has been established. You know, the way Professor X
always refers to Magneto as 'Erik' now that that's his name all of a
sudden."
"Alright," Bizarre Boy said with a smile. "And since _Melvin_ doesn't
seem to be around either, I guess it's just you and me."
She wrapped her arm around him. "Ohhh, that's not so bad, is it?"
The far-away secret base of the Brotherhood of Net.Villains:
"YES!" Professor Perhap exclaimed with glee. "FINALLY I'M FREE TO
ATTACK THE LNH! HAHAHA!!!"
"I'll get the napalm," Grim said.
"No, no," Professor Perhap insisted, "too many of the newer Legionaires
would have defenses against such an attack."
"Then we'll nuke 'em," Gritty suggested.
Professor Perhap sighed. "No, that's too much. Don't you see, we need
to exploit their weaknesses so that we can destroy them in the most cost
efficient way possible." A gleam formed in his eye. "Rumour Monger!"
he called out.
"You called?"
"Get me an up-to-date version of the Legion roster!"
"I just happen to have a copy printed out on my desk. Do you want to
come take a look?"
"Yes, yes, of course I want to look! That's what I'm asking, isn't
it?"
Rumour Monger grimaced. "Hey, Prof, lighten up." He tilted his head
to indicate where he was going.
"Yes, you're right," Professor Perhap said as he followed behind, "I'm
just so excited to think that my revenge is at hand."
Rumour Monger mused for a moment. "If you don't mind me asking, why
exactly do you hate the LNH so much?"
Professor Perhap looked incredulous. "Do you not know what happened
to me at the hands of the LNH at the end of the Cosmic Plot Device
Caper?"
"Well, no, nobody does" was Rumour Monger's reply, which only served
to confuse Professor Perhap that much more. "Look, nevermind, here's
the roster you wanted."
"Ah, yes!" Professor Perhaps said with a smile. He began to read the
roster. "Aha! Bad-Timing Boy! I could magnify his power to the point
where he becomes a danger to the LNH! MWUHAHAHA!!!"
Rumour Monger shook his head. "No, that's not a good idea."
"And why not?"
"Because last I heard Bad-Timing Boy had had some strange encounter
with an extra-dimensional being known as 'Good-Timing Girl' (See LNHCP
#27 --MFP), possibly affecting his powers."
"Very well then," Professor Perhap said with a sigh. His eyes soon
lit up again. "Yes, this is perfect!"
"What?"
"Under Bizarre Boy's powers, all it says is that they `never seem to
work right when he needs them'."
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you see?" Professor Perhap said with glee. "His powers are
completely unspecified!"
"Which means..."
"Which means that perhaps _his_ powers could become a danger to the
LNH!"
Rumour Monger considered the possibility. "But for him to use his
powers, wouldn't he have to be attacked."
"I suppose so." Professor Perhap smiled. "We'll just have to attack
him then."
That evening:
"I have to admit, Aili, this was a _great_ idea," Bizarre Boy said as
he and Pizza Girl walked through Net.ropolis Central Park.
"Yes, the park is lovely in the spring, isn't it?" She leaned her
head against his shoulder.
"Is that them?"
"Yeah."
"They don't look like much."
"The girl isn't. It's the guy who has all the powers."
"What exactly are his powers again?"
"..."
"We'd better be careful. This can't be as easy as it looks."
"Agreed." The two figures, one male and one female, each decked out
in leather, stepped out of the shadows. "Hey, kid, didn't your mother
ever warn you about staying out late in Net.ropolis?"
"We wouldn't want your girlfriend to get hurt now, would you?"
"What do you want?" Bizarre Boy asked.
"Who says we want anything?"
"Then why are you bothering us?" Pizza Girl asked.
"Ohhh, are we bothering you?"
Bizarre Boy grimaced. "Come on, Aili, let's go." They proceeded to
move on.
"Ha! So this is the great Legionaire known as 'Bizarre Boy'!"
Bizarre Boy turned to face them. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Biz, no!" Pizza Girl whispered to him.
Bizarre Boy dismissed her. "Look, the fact that I don't waste my
time with the likes of you punks doesn't make me any less of a hero."
They looked at each other and laughed. "I think you're chicken!"
"You can think what you like," Bizarre Boy told them. "I just don't
want to see anybody hurt.
"Yeah: _you_." They seemed to be enjoying their laugh at Bizarre
Boy's expense.
"Biz, don't let them get to you."
"No, I think they need to be taught a lesson," he told her. He walked
towards them. "So, who wants to try first?"
"Maybe we don't want to hurt a little pretty-boy Legionaire. Haw!"
Bizarre Boy smirked. "So who's the coward now?"
The bigger of the two gave him a dirty look. "You calling me a coward,
boy?"
"If the shoe fits!"
"I dare you to hit me. Come on!"
Bizarre Boy sighed. .o(I'd better pull my punch), he thought, (or I
might end up knocking his head off!) He walked up to the guy and gave
him a dainty-looking punch that, nevertheless, packed a lot of power.
His intended victim was unfazed. "Is that the best you can do, kid?"
"I..."
WHAM!!! Bizarre Boy didn't even see the punch coming and ended up
being thrown back onto the ground. His asailants both laughed.
"Who are you?" Bizarre Boy asked.
They smiled. "We're Grim 'N Gritty of the Bortherhood of Net.Villains"
Grim told him.
"Why are you attacking us?"
"'Cause that's what villains do, stupid! Now get on your feet!"
Bizarre Boy did so quickly, realising that he wasn't simply facing a
couple of overgrown street punks. This time, he put the full force of
his might behind his punch, causing Grim to become momentarily knocked
off balance.
"Not bad," Grim told him as he spit out a couple of teeth. Grim went
to punch Bizarre Boy again but Bizarre Boy dodged it. He landed a few
more punches on Grim but Grim stood his ground. Another punch from
Grim sent Bizarre Boy to the ground again.
"You've got to work on your balance, kid," Grim told him.
Bizarre Boy got up and brushed himself off. "You're the one who's
hurt!" he pointed out.
"True," Grim said with a smile that showed off all the new gaps in his
dental work, "but I think you've forgotten someone."
Bizarre Boy looked over to see that Gritty had grabbed Pizza Girl by
the arms. "NO!"
"HAHAHA!!!"
In his fury, Bizarre Boy started crackling with lightening. He looked
at Grim and saw that he was suddenly starting to sweat but BBoy didn't
want to waste any more time with him: he sent a lightening bolt directly
into Grim's chest, decidedly knocking him back in mid-air and having him
only barely miss slamming with full force into a tree. Grim landed on
the ground in a very undignified manner. He wasn't getting back up.
>From a safe distance away:
"Yikes!" Rumour Monger exclaimed. "Bizarre Boy sure is pissed!"
"Indeed," concurred Professor Perhap.
"I take it there's more to this plan of yours than having Grim 'N
Gritty getting pulverised by Bizarre Boy?"
"In a manner of speaking: essentially I'm waiting for Bizarre Boy's
powers to turn on him."
Rumour Monger looked sceptical. "He's liable to _kill_ Grim 'N Gritty
first!"
"Perhaps... perhaps not."
Bizarre Boy stood a few feet in front of Pizza Girl and Gritty.
"Let me go, you b#$%^!"
Gritty ignored her. "Make any move and I'll break her arms! I
swear!"
Bizarre Boy considered the situation: he'd done fairly well so far,
taking out one Net.Villain with relative ease. Unfortunately, he
couldn't try the same move on Gritty without killing Pizza Girl.
"Well? Are you going back off?"
Bizarre Boy raised a hand to his head and concentrated.
Gritty suddenly became dizzy. "What...?"
Encouraged by his apparent success, Bizarre Boy concentrated some more,
Pizza Girl pulled free of Gritty.
Gritty collapsed
"You did it!" Pizza Girl said.
...and Bizarre Boy collapsed as well.
"Biz?" She ran over to him. "Biz, are you OK?"
Bizarre Boy looked up at her but seemed to be looking right through
her. He looked all around and began to shake nervously.
"Biz, what's wrong?"
"Mommy. Where's mommy?"
TO BE CONTINUED!
Martin
==========
Next Week: The EMPLOYEE-EMPOWERED, PARADIGM-SHIFTED,
INDIVIDUAL-OWNERSHIP, DOWNSIZED, STREAMLINED, REENVIGORATED CRIMES of
the BROTHERHOOD of NET.VILLAINS!! Part Two!!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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