LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #34: Catalytic Conversions Part Three
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Tue Oct 4 18:37:33 PDT 2016
LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #34: Catalytic Conversions Part Three
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have LNH Triple Play #9
The concluding issue of Joltin' Jeff McCoskey's one man crossover,
(skipping past issues #7 and 8, which we'll go back to eventually)
introduces the character Hell Catalyst!
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #34
=====================
Catalytic Conversions Part Three
=====================
From: jjmcc at ix.netcom.com (Jeff McCoskey~)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative,alt.comics.lnh
Subject: LNH: LNH Triple Play #9, Catalytic Conversions pt3
Date: 3 Nov 1995 21:30:56 GMT
---' `---' `---' `--- //////////|||||||||||||||\\\\\\\\\ ---' `---' `---' `---
Pseudo-Random House |////////||||||LLLLLLL||||||\\\\\\\| SPECIAL HALLOWEEN
COMIX >//////.... ( ) ....\\\\\< ISSUE!
___ ___ ___ ___|.... starring ....|___ ___ ___ ___
///`v'///`v'///`v'. HOODED HO`'OD WIN .`v'\\\`v'\\\`v'\\\\\
///////////... DEDUCTIVE LOGIC MAN ...\\\\\\\\\\\\
///////.. ((_______) ..\\\\\\\\
////_______ `------' _______\\\\
///( ) ____ _______ ( )\\\
/PARTICLE MAN | | | _ \ THE DVANDOM STRANGER
CATALYST LASS _______ | | | |_) ) CATALYST LASS??
|| | | _ \ | | | ===' ____ || |
((_______) | |_) ) `====' `===' | | ((_______)
`------' | \ .. | | `------'
__________ `===='`===' .' `. | \ /~~~~~|
| | : (LNH) : `====== | ,==='
| | `. .' | `~~|
`=== ===' _______ ` ..' ____ ____ | ,=='
`==' | _ \ ____ ____ \ \ / / `======
| |_) ) | | / \ \ `' /
| ===' | | / /\ \ `= ='
`===' | \ | `' | `=='
`====== `==='`==='
... ...
... _______ ...
.. | | ..
| #9 |
Fall 95
\ /
`v'
{Cover is young Panta, Mouse, Thesaurus Lass and Fan.Boy in Halloween
costumes breathlessly watching Catalyst Lass. They are all bottom-
lit by unseen flames, and surrounded by Halloween decorations.
Catalyst Lass has an evil look and sports vampire fangs.
Off to the side is jigsaw-puzzle piece logo of
Catalytic Conversions 3/3}
{Silver block letters across bottom read "TWO-YEAR ANNIVERSARY ISSUE"
*********************************************************************
Catalyst Lass's Tales of the Undead
*********************************************************************
Tsar Chasm, a ghost, a revampire, and Ultimate Ninja yelled
'Boo!' as Catalyst Lass opened the door of the LNHHQ.
"Oh! Ultimate Ninja help me! We're under attack!" She ruffled
the hair of the pint-sized revampire. "Aren't you all just the
cutest? Now who wants candy?" As they danced excitedly, Cat gave a
handful of candy to each Trick or Treater. The LNHHQ was having
another record Halloween night of visitors this year. Though the
candy was the standard mix of chocolates, suckers, and pixie stix,
the bragging rights were not to be missed. Cat waved to the parents
by the road. "Be careful now and don't try to eat it all tonight."
Up and down the block small clusters of miniature ghouls and goblins
scampered from house to house.
Breathing 'Thank you', the foursome turned and ran down the steps
of the LNHHQ. On the sidewalk they passed Mouse, Fan.Boy, Thresaurus
Lass and a young, six-year-old Panta, returning from their own
trick-or-treating.
Thesaurus Lass, a newcomer to the LNH, looked a bit star-struck
but happy in her Robin, the Girl Sidekick, outfit. Fan.Boy appeared
amused dressed as an Ultimate Ninja and traded banter with the tiny
Ulimate Ninja he passed.
Mouse looked miserable dressed as a five and a half foot tall,
well, mouse. Something about Mouse's parenting of the now young Panta
had reawoken a maternal instinct in Writer's Block Woman; she had
decided to be a better mother to her daughter. And what could be more
motherly than sewing a costume for your child? Writers Block Woman had
made it herself and insisted Mouse wear the thing when she chaperoned
Panta's trick-or-treating.
But Mouse's costume was tight in uncomfortable places and loose
in others, and her ears kept sliding into her face. And that's not
even mentioning the balloon-like feet sewn on.
Panta looked adorable in her little Sailor Moon outfit. But the
little leopard girl was crying at the top of her lungs; tears streaked
the fur on her cheeks and stained the sailor scarf tied on her chest.
This didn't improve Mouse's mood any.
"You all are back early," noted Cat.
"For my money we're a few hours late," grumbled Mouse.
Fan.Boy cocked up his ninja hood. "People kept asking why
Sailor Moon needed a shave." Fan.Boy's simple explanation brought
more loud wails from the six-year-old Panta.
Cat squatted down in front of the kitty-girl. "There, there
Panta. It's not so bad. Think how much candy you got. Isn't that
fun?" She gently catalyzed Panta's mood. The kitty-girl pouted and
rubbed her shining eyes with the back of her paw.
"Maybe..."
"Well you haven't got any from here yet." Cat dropped a
handful of candy into Panta's bag.
Suddenly Panta was all joy and love, and jumped into Cat's arms
flinging bag and candy. "Ya-ya-ya-ya! Thank you Aunt Caty!"
Mouse sighed and picked up the candy for the upteenth time that
night.
Thesaurus Lass grinned. "Well Panta's been an absolute doll.
It's been my privilege to help her around Net.ropolis." Plus an
excuse to still go Trick or Treating, she smiled to herself. "It's
not Panta's bed-time yet. How about a scary story to finish the
evening?"
"Oooh ok," grinned Cat, making 'scary face' to Panta. "I know
a _real_ scary story about Revampires because it happened to _me_."
"Whee! Scary story scary story!" cheered Panta.
"I'll just go change..." started Mouse, before Panta bounded
and snuggled into her lap and cocked her kitten ears to Cat. "...my
mind and stay." Mouse's mouse-ears fell down over her eyes. "But if
any of you want to see something really scary, point a camera at me."
Cat had a few hushed conversations in her comm.thingie to get
relief at the front door then sat them in a circle. She turned out
all the lights and lit one candle, which she held below her face.
"You all are probably familiar with the time Revampires
attacked the LNH and kidnaped me because I had saved Revamp Lass from
them years before. You probably also heard how the Hooded Ho`'od Win
had seemed to make two of me just before they attacked. Deductive
Logic Man deduced that the copy was actually Revamp Lass after
I...Revampire, a good revampire, told the story of the first
encounter. Given the uneven publishing schedule of Particle Man it's
unlikely you heard the rest of the story...."
=============== ===============
Particle Man seemed stunned. "Then the two Cat's Hood summoned
to fight..."
"Looks like she (*&!#in' got both Catalyst *&#$^in' Lass and
*#^# Revamp Lass," stated Innovative Offense Boy. Deductive Logic
Man impatiently gestured for silence.
"I...Revampire. You mentioned you made your way from
Revampirella's lair to here on board the QE II, correct?"
} Verily a ship whose noble name beliest its foul interior. }
"Then revampires have no power to teleport?"
} Continuity Champ himself wouldst sleep unsound, wer'st so. }
"Then they must have some plan for escape..." Ferris had
scarcely finished speaking before alarm claxons tore through the LNH.
Organic Lass darted to a computer and hurriedly punched a few
buttons.
"The flight.thingie bay! Someone's stolen a flight thingie!"
"Great. Let's (&@#$%^in'...." I-O Boy was interrupted by a
crashing of the med.bay's windows. Particle Man ripped through the
night, his face set in fury.
"Hoo boy," said Ordinary Lady.
*Person Wait!* cried Blue, unheeded.
=============== ===============
"This isn't very scary so far," said Panta matter-of-factly.
Cat laughed out loud. "Well it was plenty scary for me, but it
gets scarier. And before you ask Fan.Boy, the rest of them told me
their ends of it."
Fan.Boy closed his mouth, his question preempted. Mouse and
Thesaurus Lass stifled a giggle.
=============== ===============
Particle Man blasted through the wall of the flight.thingie.
"You've got one chance -- free Cat," he hissed dangerously.
Twelve Nose-feratu swirled around Person, themselves hissing
dangerously. Revampirella stood from the navigator's seat, her
trench coat sliding to the ground. Behind her Cat and Cat were
piloting the flight.thingie on a westerly course, their faces blank.
"We shall pass on our chance, warrior, but your only chance was
to leave us go." The Queen of the Revampires unabashedly 'aimed' her
Costume of Madness at Particle Man. Particle Man slapped his hand
across his eyes, blocking out the maddening tiny leather strips.
*Person look out! She's distracting you!* Blue Canary had
just flitted in.
With Particle Man blinded, the twelve Nose-feratu surrounded
him in a deadly ballet. With their supernatural strength and razor
sharp claws, they pummeled and slashed Person mercilessly. He spun
round trying to swing back, wielding his fearsome Hammer Down, but he
seemed unable to connect. The Nose-feratu would either swoop out of
reach or transform to mist to attack from another angle.
It happened in swift silence. Particle Man was outnumbered and
one-handed. They gave him no pause, no time to regain his composure.
Slash after smash they hammered him until Particle Man went down with
a snarl on his lips. They hoisted his unconscious body and threw him
out through the hole he made getting in. By now they were miles
above Sig.ago.
=============== ===============
Panta pressed both her hands across her open mouth. "Oh no!
Could Blue Canary catch him?"
"It's ok Panta," said Fan.Boy gently. "Don't you remember
Particle Man patting you on the head before you went Trick or
Treating?"
"Oh," said Panta, disappointed. "Oh yeah."
"Fan.Boy, let Cat tell it," said Thesaurus Lass.
"Sorry Cat."
=============== ===============
Particle Man fell rapidly to earth, Blue darting impotently
behind him.
*Person, wake up! You've got to wake up!*
Suddenly, Particle Man impacted a soft body levitating a mile
above Sig.ago.
<(She Who Must Know...Who`'od Win need not see Particle Man
versus pavement at terminal velocity. I'll warrant there would be no
winner there.)> Hood noticed Particle Man's senseless state and
wasted no time disappearing in the dark sky to reappear in the
shadows of the LNHHQ med.lab.
After a moment's ministrations by Organic Lass, Person came
back around. "What...?"
"Easy Person, you're safe again."
"Who cares about me? Is _Cat_ safe?"
} Yea and nay, friend. She will not be harmed 'ere the Mistress
returnst to Trans.alt.vania. Tho' once ensconst, the maid's life,
ah, lives ist surely doom't. }
Particle Man grabbed the frilly shirt of I...Revampire.
"Listen, I'm in no mood to toy with anyone with your brand of
overbite. How do we save Cat?"
Ordinary Lady brought a sudden sweep across Person's forearm
breaking his grip in a move Ultimate Ninja would have characterized
as adequate. "Person, get a hold of yourself. While you ran off
half-cocked, I-O Boy and Ferris have pieced together a plan."
"Didn't their last plan end with Cat fighting herself?" Person
asked rudely, but settled down.
"We know these things can be turned by back issues, and burned
by Thomastic Order-blessed comics. Unfortunately with Lost Cause Boy
and Sig.Lad/Van Hel.Sig dead, the two main anti-Revampire heroes are
lost to us."
"*#^$in'-A. That just leaves the Dvandom *(!#$^)(@!%%*#in'
Stranger's Editorial (*@#$in' Staff."
"He's not really known for showing up where he's wanted,"
pointed out Particle Man.
"True," said Ferris. "But as the last remaining member of the
Secret Dvanders, you've got the best chance to find him. And maybe
Hood could help if all else fails."
"Wait a minute. Cat is held by an immortal brotherhood of
Revampires who intend to exact some black revenge, and you want me to
go on an _errand_? Forget it."
"Please Person, master yourself," chided Organic Lass. "We all
care for Cat -- nearly as much as you do." Particle Man blushed
briefly, but did not waver. "Ferris and Mack are our two best
planners. They are Cat's best hope now."
"If their plan is so great, why are we all just sitting here?"
<(Time is one thing we have on our side, Person,)> said Hood
gently.
"I deduced the reason they took flight westward," said Ferris.
"They cannot stand the light of day, so they have to chase night
around the world until it falls on Trans.alt.vania. Incidentally,
this is how we knew where Hood should rescue you. With our Transmat
tubes, we needn't wait. I...Revampire can help program them and we
can be in Trans.alt.vania waiting for them -- with the Editorial
Staff."
"If you'll just (*#*^in' _get_ it."
"All-all right. And I'm sorry if I seem hard nosed, but this
is Catalyst Lass. We can't afford mistakes."
"We understand. That's why we're leaving Dog-Boy behind under
Organic Lass' care. He's been controlled once and may be used
against us later. Mack and I have as well, but only momentarily.
Besides his author never authorized another appearance."
"Hey I'm just glad to get a line in this ish," said Dog-Boy.
=============== ===============
"Aaaah! Dog-boy!" screeched Panta. She clung to Mouse
tightly.
"I believe Panta sees the scary part of the story now," said
Fan.Boy with a grin.
"All I see is why mice are so leery around cats," said Mouse,
though she comforted the little kitty-girl as best she could.
"That was Dog-Boy's only line, Panta," said Cat reassuringly.
"But it still gets scarier. Are you sure you want to hear the rest?"
Panta gulped and nodded.
=============== ===============
Deductive Logic Man, Innovative Offense boy, and Ordinary Lady
materialized in a back alley in the old-world capital of
Trans.alt.vania. Cobblestone streets were framed by wooden Tudor
shops in neat dark-wood rows. Snow capped mountains and a blue sky
formed the idyllic background. The place was utterly charming except
for the black castle that rose above and dominated the city's
northern views. It squatted on a foothill and seemed too black even
for the late afternoon sun to shed light on.
I...Revampire was not with them as he could not stand the
sunlight any more than evil revampires. He was programmed to
transmat to Trans.alt.vania as soon as the sun set there.
"Well, we've got some time on our hands," remarked Ordinary
Lady. "How should we proceed?"
I-O Boy cast an appraising eye around the village, and
especially at the castle. "Looks like the (&!^#in' castle is too
(&*!#$*#!@ rocky to land a flight.*&#$.thingie. The best (*!@#^in'
landing field is that (@&!^(*#&$ field at the foot of the (&*#!#
castle."
"Yes," nodded Ferris. Perhaps we could raise the villagers to
revolt on their masters and give them a rough welcome."
"Sounds worth a try." Ordinary Lady was not fit for planning -
- she was built for action. She darted to the town square and rang
the large bell, drawing the humble villagers out. "Maybe we should
have brought Linguist Lass along," she muttered. She quickly dialed
her communication.thingie to translate/transmit mode then gestured
for quiet.
To say the remarkably attractive nimbo was a sight unseen in
Trans.alt.vania would be an understatement. Suffice to say she got
her quiet.
"People of Trans.alt.vania, hear me! The Revampires have
returned! Even now they bear down on your simple village with
innocent hostages! Do you want to live in their vile shadow forever?
Do you wish to be fodder for their wanton revamps? You have nothing
to lose but your chains! You! What is your name?"
"V-viktor Van Damme," gulped a local youth.
"Do you wish to be made some power-mad armored dictator?"
"It beats cleaning stables..." the man wondered.
"And you! your name?"
"Scorpio Rosetta-Stone," said a gypsy girl.
"Do you wish to be made some mystical demon's lover?"
"Paulo hasn't touched me in years..." she said pensively.
Ferris and I-O Boy tuned into the crowd's growing rumblings.
"Uh-oh," said Ferris.
"OL ix-*&@!#$^in'-Nay on the evamp-*(@&#$^in'-Ray."
"And you? What is your name young man?"
"Barry Zemo, miss."
"Would you relish being a world-conqueror with a rag glued to
his face?"
"That would sure take care of this unsightly acne," he said
striking his fist in his palm.
The murmurings grew louder and sharper.
"Yes! Channel that anger! Join us now as we set up to ambush
them where they must land!"
Pitchforks and torches were brandished and the crowd's faces
grew ugly. Fists waved in the air. With a satisfied smile, Ordinary
Lady switched her comm.thingie from transmit to receive.
"...Live the Revampires!"
"Drive the Foreigners from our midst!"
"No, offer them as sacrifices to our Undead Masters!"
"Death! Death to the spectacular Painted Lady!"
"Paint the castle red with their blood!"
Ordinary Lady gave a sheepish smile. "Ooops."
=============== ===============
Particle Man paced angrily at the base of Sig.Lad's memorial
statue in the pre-dawn gloom. "STRRRANGERRRR! I don't have time for
your enigma act! I served with you when Sig.Lad and Constellation
needed me! I aided while they found their destiny. _I'm_ the one
who needs help now. Where are they?" Particle Man clenched his
fists and raged at the night sky. "Dammit Stranger you _owe_ me!"
The Hooded Ho`'od Win hovered several feet away, her darkened
cloak pointing at Particle Man.
"STRAANGERRR!"
The whish of a light evening breeze was the only response.
"This is stupid. The Stranger will never show up to advance a
plot. He just starts them. Meanwhile Cat is at the mercy of..."
<(Perhaps you are right Person. Perhaps She Who Must Know
Who`'od Win can aid this meeting.)>
In spite of his mood, Particle Man looked shocked. "Can you
really call a being of his power?"
<(We shall see. She Who Must Know...Who`'od Win demands the
Contention of Dvandom Stranger and Particle Man over the Editorial
Staff!)>
Particle Man whirled about several times, looking for the
Stranger. No one appeared. "Maybe try the Phantom Walker
instead..." started Particle Man. The creaking of granite greeted
his ears. Person whirled about and looked up at the statue
of...Dvandom Stranger?
Sig.Lad's heroic countenance had been replaced by a giant
carved figure of the Dvandom Stranger, complete with stone trench
coat. One hand grasped a giant rock Editorial Staff.
Like rocks grinding, a deep echo of the Stranger's voice grated
out of a stone jaw, "Once I would have fought the team-up fight as
prelude to deep friendship. Now I e'er remain....a Stranger. Er, I
actually got to finish one."
Particle Man shook his head. He had been staring at the giant
PS in shock. "I can't fight him. I'd shatter the Staff. What is
the meaning of this Stranger? I know you are aware of my need. Will
you or won't you help?"
"The way of the Stranger is ever removed from Looniversal
affairs. Mine is not to tweak and prod, mine is simply to record,
note, and edit."
"Then you won't help?"
"That is not what I said."
"Frankly, I'm not sure _what_ you said."
"Person. Your emotions are strong. They do you credit, but
they cloud your judgment. Do not focus on the Editorial Staff as
your savior. Looniversians are not equipped to handle the
cataclysmic energies it channels. Look to yourself. The Cats are in
danger but through you TheyMightBeSaved."
Particle Man angrily spun about. "This is ridiculous. Without
Lost Cause Boy, we have no back issues to turn them. Without
I...Revampire's JSA collection we have no Thomastic scripts to burn
them. Van Hel.Sig can't help us. All that's left is the Editorial
Staff. Dammit Stranger, I'll fight you if I have to..." Person
whirled about, fists clenched to engage a battle he could not win.
Behind him, the statue had resumed Sig.Lad's impassive and
heroic form. The sun rose over Net.ropolis, spreading orange fire on
Sig.Lad's face and torso. Particle Man's face twisted in anger before
being suffused in understanding. "I...I. Thank you Stranger." He
flew into the LNHHQ at mach 1. Hooded Ho`'od Win levitated slowly in
his wake.
From behind the statue, Blue Canary flitted after her.
*And thank you for your help, Hooded Ho`'od Win.*
=============== ===============
Panta was enthralled in the tale. Her tail flicked nervously
back and forth. "I don't like that scary Dvandom Stranger."
"It's ok Panta, he's a good guy," said Thesaurus Lass
playfully.
"Good guys don't make you put Nair on your face."
Fan.Boy, Thesaurus Lass, Mouse and Cat all looked to each
other.
"Kids say the darnedest things," was all Mouse came up with.
=============== ===============
The sun was setting over Trans.alt.vania, the mountains casting
long shadows over the old world village. Scarlet and Orange clouds
gathered as was typical, with only a full moon low on the horizon
breaking through.
Ordinary Lady and Innovative-Offense Boy pumped their arms
furiously as they ran for the castle. Behind them, Ferris Jones
clutched his bowler to his head and pounded after them. Ten feet
behind him thundered a crowd of villagers bearing torches,
pitchforks, and other farm implements useful for dismembering
horrors.
"Kill the foreigners!"
"The revampires will make us a technopolis!"
"I get to be Pat Sajak!"
And many other similar sentiments featured prominently in the
pursuers shouts. As the last sliver of sunlight slid below the
horizon, a great roaring was heard. From the east, a flight.thingie
flew low to the ground, executed a perfect landing and abruptly shut
off. The mob stopped in its tracks. Ordinary Lady, I-O Boy and
Ferris did as well.
Suddenly, the hatch opened and thirteen large bats carrying two
motionless forms screeched and swirled in the dusky gloom. They
swooped at the LNHers, Ordinary Lady deflecting one with her katana,
the men dodging.
Abruptly, Revampirella resumed human form in front of them.
"Mack, don't look at her costume," yelled Ferris. They both
covered their eyes. And didn't see the villagers sneak up and brain
them with the shafts of their pitchforks.
A tine to the throat of Innovative Offense Boy took the fight
out of Ordinary Lady.
"You win this round Revampirella," she growled.
"Silly nimbo. This is not best two out of three. I have won
it _all_." Her laughter was terrible. The villagers nervously
glanced about after reassessing the home team.
=============== ===============
Hooded Ho`'od Win, I...Revampire (with a Kirby-looking modern
coffin in tow) and Particle Man transmatted to the Trans.alt.vanian
capital. The sun was firmly below the horizon, and fires danced in
the upper windows of the castle.
<(I-O Boy, Ordinary Lady and Deductive Logic Man were to ambush
the flight.thingie when it came in.)> They spotted the dark hulk of
the abandoned thingie in the clearing at the foot of the castle.
"It doesn't look like they had much success."
} Indeedst. Mine blood boils with the fever of the Byrne. The
Brotherhood is preparing for its most heinoust ritual -- the
inauguration of another revampire. That can only be thy friend(s)..}
"Then let's end this now."
} First thy allies mus't be broke of Revampirella's influence.
Shouldst we attack 'midst the ceremony, Cats' immortal souls wouldst
perish. }
<(Then we must count on our teammates to free them.)>
*Blue, can you help? Tell Ferris the cavalry is here if he can
just free Cat*
*I can. Good Luck, Person*
*You too Blue. Sorry if I have been rude with you...*
*Forget it Person*
=============== ===============
Revampirella sat at her throne draped in a rich purple robe.
The stone great room flickered with just not enough torchlight. The
twelve members of the Chaykin Chamber flanked the throne, chanting
some arcane opening theme to a hellish ceremony. Innovative-Offense
Boy was tied on the floor, a mesmerized villager holding a scythe at
his throat to keep Ordinary Lady in check. Ferris stood to one side.
Catalyst Lass and her duplicate (or the other way around) were seated
before the Queen of the Revampires, staring outward. They wore
sheer, decadent robes the color of blood.
Blue Canary flitted in, the flickering light masking his
entrance. Ferris feigned scratching himself as Blue spoke to his
mind. *Person and Hood are here. If you can free Cat, they can end
this. It's up to you*
Ferris shuffled his feet and made dissatisfied noises.
"You! Thinker!" hissed Revampirella. "you have a problem with
this ceremony?"
"I can't watch. Cat means so much to all of us. Would you
mind if you just killed me now and got it over with?"
"So Cat means a great deal to you, eh?"
"The world. The only thing worse than having her turn into a
Revampire would be her killing me herself. Or it'd be really twisted
if she _forced_ someone to kill me. Her beneficent powers turned to
evil like that. Here, have your stooge run me through with his
scythe, won't you?"
Ordinary Lady stood ready to attack. If I-O Boy was safe for a
moment, her peerless ninja skills would at least make a heck of a
final battle.
"No we need him to keep the nimbo in check. Instead _you_ may
decide your own fate. Tell your 'Cat' how you wish to die. _She_
will implement it."
"You vile succubus! I wanted to be spared all this!"
"Enough!" Revampirella stood abruptly, revealing the Costume
of Madness in all its glory. "Tell her and I will will it!"
Ferris blurted out before his will fled. "I want the real
Catalyst Lass to tell the fake Catalyst Lass to kill me!"
The identical Cat's stared at each other. They reached out
their hands in a wrestling 'strength-testing' manner. Abruptly they
were all gnashing teeth and stares.
Each Cat catalyzed the other to have the true tell the fake to
kill. Their catalyzing fed back through each other, stronger and
stronger.
Revampirella realized what was happening too late. "NO! STOP
HER!" She reached out to bodily fling the two apart, but was knocked
aside by a snap kick from a twisting, flipping Ordinary Lady. "Ah-
ah, don't touch." Innovative-Offense Boy had ground enough of the
high sulfur stone to oxidize the iron scythe's linking pins so that
it fell apart without injuring him. A quick blow dispatched his
erstwhile guard, freeing OL to act.
Catalyst Lasses continued to catalyze each other more and more
intently. Thin streams of blood trickled from their matching noses,
then they collapsed on the ground. The feedback of each thinking to
be the Real Cat, catalyzing the other, had broken the revampire's
hold on their will.
The Chaykin Chamber hissed their defiance and advanced on the
LNHers. With a blast of flying stone, Particle Man burst into the
hall followed by Hood.
*LNHers! Cover your eyes!* Blue's warning, sounded in their
minds. They barely did so when Particle Man burst into impossibly
bright light.
"Revampires cannot stand the light of The Sun!" Person's voice
was almost musical.
The horrendous shrieks of the Revampires were not. They were
mercifully short as they flashed into dust, then whisped away before
invisible solar winds. Revampirella herself was too strong to
whither, but she began jabbering and grew too weak to move. Hood
hovered over, scooped her up like a baby, then floated out the
window, followed by Person -- still glowing.
Person doused his light as he drew near the flight.thingie.
Peeking out from his coffin behind the controls, I...Revampire waved.
} Thankest mine allies for the tru'st vengeance any might hope
for. Know that the jailer of Revampirella wilst not shirk his duties
-- indeedst t'would be his final honor ast former Knight of
Continuity! }
Hood placed the Queen of the Revampires aboard the
flight.thingie. She silently pressed the hand of I...Revampire, then
left as Revampirella started gaining strength.
I...Revampire lifted off the thingie and aimed it towards outer
space. It flashed up and gone and started its long flight to Mercury
-- where the perpetual sunlight would be Revampirella's prison.
Guarded by a Knight of Continuity in a Kirby-modified, fortified,
light-absorbing coffin.
=============== ===============
"Yayyayyay!" cheered Panta. "The good guys win!"
"Cat, what happened to the other Catalyst Lass?" asked Fan.Boy.
"Well research was done by the best scientific and mystical
minds in the LNH. It was the revampire's power that none of them
could tell who was the real Catalyst Lass and who was not. In the
end we simply chose to flip a coin."
"The one who lost went a bit crazy. She bleached her hair,
renamed herself 'Hell Catalyst', tried to retake the available
personality as Revamp Lass for all of one issue of _Tales of the LNH_
before giving up, then eventually turned back to revampirism. They
say on Halloween you can still sometimes see her lurking about,
looking for new victims as she silently....creeps...
UPRIGHTBEHINDYOU!"
"AAAH!" Panta screamed.
"AAAH!" Fan.Boy, Thesaurus Lass and Mouse screamed when they
saw the fierce, bottom-lit face of a snarling blonde Catalyst Lass
with huge fangs!
Cat turned the lights on, revealing a smiling Catalyst Lass
pulling out fake vampire teeth. The two Cats laughed and hugged each
other.
"That wasn't true at all about Hell Catalyst was it?" demanded
Mouse, a little incensed that she had jumped and spilled her mouse
ears over her face again. Panta had buried her face in Mouse's chest
and was cautiously peeking at the goings-on.
"Oh, its true and stuff," said the bleached-blonde Catalyst
Lass. She wore a red copy of Cat's light blue uniform, complete with
yellow jigsaw puzzle piece logo. Inside a scrawled 'HC' replaced Cat's
neat 'CL'. "Except for the revampire bit. The hair's just to tell us
apart. And it looks marvy, don't you think, Cat?"
"Absolutely HC," laughed Cat as Thesaurus Lass, Fan.Boy and Mouse
reassembled their dignity. She picked up a nervously giggling Panta.
"Now there's _three_ Catgirls in the LNH!"
=============== ===============
NEXT: Either a deepening of the Hooded Ho`'od Wins Mystery
or a special presentation of Golden Man in 'Net.ro
City.' Depending on public outcry and authorial whim,
not necessarily in equal proportions ;]
Coming in January.
=============== ===============
Triple Players:
Hooded Ho`'od Win............on loan from wReam
Deductive Logic Man..........via wReam
Particle Man.................Jameel al Khafiz
Dvandom Stranger.............Dave Van Domelen
Catalyst Lass................via Public Domain
Hell Catalyst................via Jeff McCoskey
Panta........................Hubert Bartels
Mouse........................Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler
Thesaurus Lass...............Gina Donohough(?)
Fan.Boy......................Jamas Enright
Deductive Logic Man..........via wReam
Innovative-Offense Boy.......via PUblic Domain
Ordinary Lady................via Martin
I...Revampire................via JJMcC
Organic Lass.................Rebecca Drayer
Dog Boy......................Rene Garcia Villarea
special thanks to: Hubert for invaluable editting assistance, all the
guest-stars for prompt response -- the delay was my account's not
yours, and Jameel whithout whom none of this would have been
necessary. I mean possible ;] Also to Karl Marx for key
snatches of conversation.
=============== ===============
A Special Psuedo-Random Soapbox
This issue marks two full years of writing specifically for the LNH.
I found alt.comics.lnh in April of 93. Even before it was reccommended
to do so, I lurked for a few months, absorbing what all I saw. In late May
of 93, with _no_ fanfare whatsoever, I launched my first and
still-favorite series Agent of PULP. Despite illusions to the contrary,
comics are largely dead to me. I still pick up a few titles on rare
occaisions when they come reccommended by Dave or Marc Singer, or
feature old heroes -- Golden Age, Marvels, Last Avengers Story, Death of
Nick Fury, Radioactive Man, Astro City. (Wolf and Byrd I can't explain)
Or when they feature pulp heroes from the 40's, which is my true
hobby fixation. So it was no coincidence or desire to 'stay in the past,
out of the way' which led to Agent of PULP. Then and still it's a labor
of love.
But the things that turned me sour on commercial comics did not
translate to the LNH at all. Its freshness, innocence, sense of whimsy
and complete lack of melon-heavy breasts struck a cord. Even more, it
was the presence of people for whom stories were _fun_, not business.
Dave, wReam, Scav, Drizzt, even Jameel. These were the old
voices, back when LNH history was compressed. I took my cues from the
next bunch to come along -- Martin (whose work probably influenced my
LNH stuff more than any other single writer), Mike E., the incomparable
Kevin Wilcox, the Integrity Questors, and fellow newcomer Ken Schmidt.
It was Ken's add-on "Three Day Lull" that fully drew me in to
the LNH as a writer. That first effort was embarrasingly abortive, but
it whet my appetite. Not long after I launched LNH Triple Play. I
won't embarrass the audience by explaining all the word play that went
into the title, but the working title was "LNH Hat Trick" for a long
time.
Russ once noted that I have no LNH WC, and that's true. The
reason for that is I felt the LNH was plenty large enough without me.
It was far more interesting, like Ken and Martin before me, to use
existing characters that would not otherwise _ever_ see the light of
day. LNH TP was conceived of as a three-way teamup, usually but not
always starring Hooded Ho`'od Win, who I convinced wReam to put under
contract to P-RH :]
The rest is net.history. Almost immediately Ken and I collaborated
on the named-by-default Looniverse Adrift!, then came the Valentine's
Ball (who trivia buffs may want to know sprung from a question wReam
asked about why the LNHers seemed suddenly preoccupied with romance. My
answer was a low-level catalyzing by Catalyst Lass. Martin beat me to
the punch with a story involving Romantic Innuendo but by then the
character work had been done).
I took a brief break during the spring of 94 to write the Golden
LNH-Men miniseries, which remains my proudest moment in the LNH. (My
second would be LNHTP#5 -- the last temptation of Contraption Man) The
support and feedback was like nothing I'd experienced before. For a
brief shining moment I knew what it was to be Dvandom ;]
Then came the creation of RACC, the heady mass/mess-collab of Retcon
Hour, the difficulty and controversy of Catalytic Conversions, the wonderful
diversion of EEPSIODSRCotBoNV (which I actually get a huge charge out of,
'lackluster' or no, and still think is great) and the 'me too please!'
generosity of Flame Wars 3. There is no defined reason LNH TP seems to tie
into a crossover everytime. Just lucky I guess.
Two years later, and I now divide my writings between PULP, LNH
and OMEGA. But the LNH still is great fun for me, not the least of
which because of the continual new influx of talent. I have no plans
to end the series, kill off any characters, marry them, have them
retire or fade away. With Ken all but gone and Martin vastly slowed from
his hey-day the need to write the rank-and-file LNH is stronger than ever.
Count me in for at least once per quarter ;]
Which all led me to, "What could I do to celebrate, at least in
a small way, my two-year anniversary?" The answer was to create my
first addition to the LNH roster. I've got a villain or two, and I'm
all over the Independents roster like a rash, but I had never, until now,
created an actual LNHer.
Everybody say hi to Hell Catalyst -- who is essentially the
Catalyst Lass I've been writing all along without getting in the way of
other Catalyst Lass plans. She's a NWC, available for use, but not
Public Domain. Check with me is all I ask.
Maybe at the 5-year mark I'll actually create a WC.
Tanks for all the feedback, praise and criticism. Hopefully
you'll continue reading, 'cause I'm certainly going to continue writing.
And hey -- I'm finally taking a series into double digits!
Long live the LNH.
==========
Next Week: Can the LNH live without Cheesecake? Find out
in Culinary Disasters Part One!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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