LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #33: Catalytic Conversions Part Two

Drew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Thu Nov 24 15:17:41 PST 2016

On 9/14/2016 9:28 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> Another issue of Joltin' Jeff McCoskey's one man crossover, this
> one reprints two issues of Tales of the LNH (#263 and 264).  The
> reprints take place back in time when Lost Cause Boy was still
> alive.
> (In reality Tales of the LNH started with issue #278 leaving a big old
> mystery gap between #1 and 277)

I've always loved this particular trick. :> There were several other references 
to "Tales of the LNH" issues that never existed back then - kicked off, I think, 
by one in the Cosmic Plot Device Caper.

> {Cover is Deductive Logic Man holding copies of _Tales of the LNH_ #263-#264
> 	asking "How can these help find Catalyst Lass?"  I...Revampire is in
> 	the classic posture of vampiric retreat.

This is a good Silver Age-y cover too.

> Now, from the busiest man in RACC (uh, not Badge, Kid Recap):
> 	"In LNH Triple Play #6, Catalyst Lass' friends became concerned
> about her apparant multiple personalities.  Hooded Ho`'od Win attempted
> to cause her to battle herself as therapy, but instead conjured a duplicate.
> Before the LNH could piece the circumstances together, REVAMPIRELLA, QUEEN
> OF THE REVAMPIRES spirited both away from under the LNH's nose!  Now why on
> Earth did it take the author 500 lines to >.<


> 	"Hiatus!!!   Didn't I tell you not to interrupt me!?  A minute later
> and who knows _what_ an interruption would have done?"
> 	"Occultism Kid."
> 	"It was a rhetorical question," she answered blackly.


> 	"Reva, won't you reconsider?  If Mr. Homage finds out you're
> trying to increase your powers without his consent, you'll be, well, you
> could get reassigned to the South Ame.rec.an operation!"

I like the low-key theme of Hiatus caring about Revamp Lass/Hell Catalyst. (I'm 
thinking about retconning it that RL became HC, even though, at the end of this 
story, it's explicitly said that we don't know which one was which.) I want to 
bring that back in an HC story later.

> 	"Hi, I'm not willing to wait until the LNH is old to use my
> powers.  With the full power of the Amulet, I can Revamp those heroes
> _now_, not when they are forgotten.  I'm going ahead with it," she
> concluded firmly.

That's a good point - revamps usually happen to characters after their star has 
faded; but if the LNH's star fades, so does the Brotherhood's.

> }	Again it startest!  Aught centuries of fruitless quest, of the pull
> of the Byrne, again I feelst the presence of my Dark Mistress.  SHE hast
> reveal'd HERself to me -- but that pull shalt become HER downfall.  And
> finally mine torment shall endeth!  }

You're really just making up verb endings here, aren't you.

> 	"Let me get this straight," deadpanned Ultimate Ninja.  "Revamp
> Lass, a member of the Brotherhood of Net.Villains, is in trouble.  And
> you want our help without telling Mr. Homage?!?"
> 	"Is it asking too much?"  One look at the cold fury in Ultimate
> Ninja's eyes convinced him it might be.

Hiatus, you're *kind of adorable*.

> 	"Oh sure," said Hiatus warming.  "Really really dire.  Tragic.
> Cataclysmic.  Apocalyptic.  Ragnarotic.  Uh, I think."
> 	More impressed with his display of 'ic's than convinced, Ultimate
> Ninja considered.


> 	"You'd, uh, have to promise not to capture us or anything."
> 	"That sounds reasonable," said Ultimate Ninja sarcastically.
> "Perhaps we should all wear bells around our necks to avoid frightening
> the cats?"  Hiatus wanted really, really badly to say 'Could you?' but
> thought better of it.


> Hiatus had warned Sig.Lad and Lurking Girl that Revamp
> Lass was listless and tired all day, and only seemed active at nightfall.
> Too, her ruddy complexion had paled considerably.

This is a very Bram Stoker-esque description. :>

> 	Below, Revamp Lass flitted through a hedgerow in the opulent
> garden trailing a diaphanous gown.

"Diaphanous" is an excellent word.

> Fully twelve fanged, cloaked figures were circling the radiant form
> of Revamp Lass as she lay on a stone altar.  Her expression was one of
> sinful expectation.
> 	"Maybe she just wants her privacy..." began Lurking Girl
> diplomatically.

Lurking Girl, I commend you for not wanting to kinkshame net.villains.

> 	"Look!" hissed Sig.Lad.  Out of the shadows came a woman in a
> trenchcoat.  She seethed with eldritch power (and a certain smoldering
> sensuality we feel compelled to observe).


> 	"Ach!  Mein Gott!  It iss verse than I feart!"  Lurking Girl looked
> to Sig.Lad, now Van Hel.Sig, with a start.


> 	Sig.Roach waded into the fray.  "against an ARMY OF
> UNDEAD, he battles THROUGH to HER!"  (punchakickagougagrinda)

There's just a lot of really funny lines in this, is my point

> 	"This is not really going well," grumbled Lurking Girl.  "Are the
> Brotherhood deaf?  This is going on in their yard."


> Van Hel.Sig and I...Revampire led the conversation.
> }	...and SHE reduc'd me, a former Knight of Continuity, revamp'd
> inst the monster before thine eyes -- I becamest that most hellbound of
> creatures, a Revampire.

I think this is the only time we actually meet a Knight of Continuity other than 
Continuity Champ? Oh, maybe except for Mutton Mania...

> Zis iss vhat iss hapenink to Revamp
> Lass.  Zey haff visited on her tvice.  Iff she ist bit again tonight, she
> vill be forever Revamped."

*Very* Dracula.

> 	"Zere are a few tinks the revampiress cannot stant.  No
> Revampire can surfife in ze harsh light uff day.  Scripts blessed by ze
> Thomastic Order of monks vill burn dem..."
> 	"So that's what drove them off!" concluded Lurking Girl.
> }	Indeedst.  It took nearly a full collection of JSA pages, but thy
> peril seem'd to warrant the sacrifice.

Roy Thomas was *also* known for unnecessary revamps, but in the direction of 
emphasizing previous continuity.

> }	Too, the she-devil possessest the Costume of Madness.  No man
> mayst look upon her but immediately enslavest to her black will.  }

Also, you've got a story based around a lady vampire and it's *this* straight? 
Shaaaaaame >:I

> }	She approachest.  The Byrne in me swells.  }
> 	"Geez, I get in trouble for talk like that," grumbled LCB.


> The battle raged in the background panels of every subsequent
> scene -- punctuated by the occaisional, "No Panta, their _capes_.  Go for
> the _capes_."

Imagining adorable bouncy catgirl rolling along with a Revampire in her claws, 
then doing the head-shake neck-snap thing.

> 	"Escape is backward," Cat said concentrating fiercely.  Distracted
> by the comics, Revamprella reacted to Cat's control and fled back --
> straight into the mouth of an open mausoleaum.


> 	Cat catalyzed as she rarely had before.  "Reva, you are not a
> Revampire.  Life is your choice, isn't it?  That's the peachiest choice
> there is!"

This scene has a strong emotional core, even if it isn't played up.

> 	"You guys had some crowded fights in the old days," noted
> Dog-Boy.


> 	Deductive Logic Man stroked his chin.  "It all makes sense now.
> They stored the Brotherhood in the Fike Archives..."
> 	*But Eagle recently emptied the Archives.* Blue noted and
> Person echoed.
> 	"He must not have known about the Revampires, and they were
> inadvertantly freed when the Archives switched to the Alberry Crypt."

Naturally this storyline depends on obscure administrative details of the LNH 
archives. :>

> "Cat used all her powers to catalyze Revamp Lass's interest
> in Looniversal life -- perhaps with the eldritch revamp energies so strong
> Revamp Lass was catalyzed _to share ALL Cat's interests!_"


Drew "cat-alyzed" Perron

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