LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #20: RETCON HOUR Beta
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue May 31 17:53:55 PDT 2016
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the second part of RETCON HOUR.
For the fourth issue of the Retcon Hour crossover we have Dave Van Domelen's
Constellation #30 which has the first appearance of Kid Macro.
The fifth issue is Nicks of Time Limited Series #1 by Peter "Tick" Milan.
The Nicks of Time miniseries was a crossover between Peter Milan's character
Nick Eggbeater (The Decible Dude) and Joltin' Jeff McCoskey's Agent of PULP
character Nick Naime. (The PULP Imrint was a separate imprint from the LNH
imprint, although all the stories Jeff wrote for it were set place in the
Looniverse.)
And finally the sixth issue is System Corruptors #16 by Joltin' Jeff McCoskey
and Matt "Badger" Rossi. The System Corruptors was an anthology for telling
stories about the various villains in the Looniverse.
_
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| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #20
=====================
RETCON HOUR Beta
=====================
From: Jeff J McCoskey <jjmcc at ix.netcom.com>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: LNH/REPOST: RETCON HOUR TEB #2
Date: 19 Feb 1997 12:46:48 -0800
Author Credits: RH4 -- Dave Van Domelen, RH5 -- Pete Milan,
RH6 -- JJMcC/Matt Rossi
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
_ _
(>) RETCON HOUR PART 4 (<)
_ _
(>) Constellation #30 (<)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
Constellation #30 - "Who is Kid Macro?" - copyright 1994 by Dave Van Domelen
Coherent Comics UnIncorporated
============================================================================
= =
= RETCON HOUR TIE-IN! =
= =
============================================================================
[continuity note: this story takes place during the several hours before the
Magic game in Particle Man #15...or is it #16? Sigh. Like it matters, being
a Retcon Hour Tie-In.]
[cover shows a heroic, if slim, figure wearing an amber costume with green trim
and technical-looking wristbands. His face is obscured by a question mark in
the classic Ditko style, and the faces of the Secret Dvanders are arranged on
either side in shocked-looking Ditko expressions.]
Damn, but it felt good to be out of that bodycast, thought Squidman for
the fifth time that night. He'd healed far faster than he expected to, which
Doc Stomper attributed to general superhero resilience, even in those without
actual powers. Either that, or the writer didn't feel like leaving him in the
cast for the six months or so his injuries would realistically taken to heal.
In any case, he was back on the streets. Or above them, to be more
accurate. He'd left the Squidmobile, recently refitted with a bigger power
supply and some defensive weapons, in an alley on anti-theft mode. It was too
bizarre to sneak around in down here in the bowels of the city. And anyway,
Squidman wanted to stretch his limbs, feel the breeze against his cowled face,
get his blood pumping again and in general get off his rear end. Already he'd
gotten back into the street network he'd started building...damn good thing
none of his informants got any character development while he was dead.
And what they were telling him was not good. He already knew about the
synthetic drug Flame from Kopikat's reports, but now he knew who had invented
it. Schwa Khan. The Asian fiend who plotted to take over the Net just so he
could install schwa keys in all the terminals. As Oriental Masterminds went,
he was pretty lame, really. However, he did have the standard nigh-
immortality of the position, and after a few score years could be expected to
have learned from *some* of his mistakes, right? He'd have to check what few
records of the Agents of PULP were in the LNHQ computer files later, see if
they encountered the Khan.
In any case, Flame didn't seem to be connected in any conceivable way to
Schwa Khan's ultimate goals, so it must be simply a money-making venture.
Which made it all the worse, since it meant Khan would be sloppy about letting
the formula get out, and stamping out the drug would be that much harder.
Maybe Khan was smart enough to keep an antidote around, to avoid Flamewars
during testing. Or maybe he simply felt the testers were expendable, as were
the testing sites. Damn, cursed Squidman. He'd much rather be fighting bald
masterminds riding on top of huge robots than this.
Still, it was his niche for now. And he'd successfully trailed a trio of
Flame dealers for the last five minutes. If he could follow them to a central
distribution point, he might be able to get a lead on the Khan's location and
how exactly this fit into the greater plan.
If they didn't see him first. All told, it probably would have been a
better idea to wait until *after* sunset to start trailing punks. Still, live
and learn. And three punks shouldn't be too hard to take down.
Before they could get their guns out, he was in their midst, using the
multiple-opponent style he'd learned from holotapes of Ultimate Ninja. Within
seconds, the three were reeling from various injuries. Grinning under his
cowl, Squidman moved to tie them up pursuant to getting some information out of
them. Let's see, which tower to hang them from?
WHACK!
Everything went reddish gray for a moment. Great, there was a fourth
nearby, probably coming to meet up with them. What must have been a two-by-
four to the back of his head was followed by a punch in his gut, and sparks
danced in his vision. The other three shook off their momentary daze and
advanced on him, pulling guns from their jackets. Idly, as if detached from it
all, Squidman wondered how uncomfortable it must be to wear leather jackets in
this weather. Fumbling at his belt, he signalled the Squidmobile to home in on
his location. Unfortunately, it would probably arrive too late to serve as
anything but its original purpose...coffin.
Kid Macro has arrived.
Kid Macro runs in, a blazing blur of green and amber!
Kid Macro punches Thug1 in the jaw!
Kid Macro knees Thug2 in the groin (ow!)!
Kid Macro grabs Thug3 by the nose and judo-throws him into a wall!
Kid Macro disarms Thug4 and clubs him on the head with his own weapon!
Kid Macro dropped Note.
Kid Macro has left.
Kid Macro runs out in a hurricane of green and gold!
Squidman's head reeled from more than just his injuries. In the space of
a second, this Kid Macro person had taken out all four thugs, and in a rather
peculiar mode. Pulling an Anvil (TM) painkiller out of his beltpouch and dry-
swallowing it, Squidman staggered to his feet and started tying up the thugs.
The Squidmobile arrived moments later, and Squidman slumped against its
hood to let his head clear some more. Then he noticed the note Kid Macro had
dropped. Carefully, he picked it up by one corner, just in case there were
prints to be found or something.
"Courtesy of your friendly, neighborhood Kid Macro," read the note. "Kid
watches too many cartoons," muttered Squidman under his breath as he put the
note into a baggie pulled from one of his belt compartments.
Well, Schwa Khan's men would be more alert for the rest of the night, and
he could probably use a quick medical check anyway. Time to call it a night.
Or an evening. Whatever.
* * * *
"Anyway, I ran a few tests on the note, and as far as I can tell, he got
the paper from the LNHQ."
"How'd you figure that?" asked Sidewinder.
"Well, the radiation levels were consistent with being near Kirby for
several hours, there were faint traces of cheesecake powder in the fibers...
and the other side of the note was a cover sheet from one of Multi-Tasking
Man's laser printer jobs," finished the Deepsea Detective with a shrug. "His
behavior seems to suggest being from a MUD, though...and I can't find any
mention of him, or any real speedster for that matter, in the Roster."
Sidewinder thought for a moment, still not totally used to being in a
conversation for more than a few minutes. "Well, maybe the Retcon Hour stuff
kept his entry from being updated? Or the sensitivity training wReamhack's
supposed to be tak...." He was cut off by Squidman.
"Retcon Hour? What's that?"
"Oh, I guess you wouldn't have heard, being a bit out of the NWC rumor
mill while recovering. It seems that the same night you fought that robot
duplicate, the Time Crapper put some kind of Fiendish Trans-Temporal Plan into
effect. Not to mention some side-effects of being in RACC in the first place,
especially on us NWCs. Anyway, timelines are starting to unravel a bit, yeah,
*again*, and Kid Macro mighta joined on a bad day."
"Hmm. Could be. What kind of side-effects on NWCs?"
"Not sure, I didn't stick around for the whole discussion. Something like
having our personalities rewritten more frequently as we pass into the spheres
of influence of the various WCs. Course, after the whole mess around your
death and stuff, I'd guess you're protected from the worst of it."
"I hope so. In the last few months, I've died twice, gotten a new
identity and fought a robot double of myself. I could do with a little
stability. And as for the Crapper, he's probably too cosmic for me to do
anything about, really. I just hope I can help contain the collateral damage
from whatever he ends up doing. Oh, hi Sig.Lad," Squidman called out as his
fellow LNHer entered the hitherto-undefined room. And since there's no plot
reason to define it, it'll stay undefined.
"Hi, guys. Just came into the reading room to pick up the latest
Net.Week." Smartass. "You look kinda beat up, Squidb...man. Rough night?"
"Yeah, got blindsided like an amateur. Which I am, I suppose. Sidewinder
and I were just talking about Retcon Hour and the whole NWC problem. Although
I think he's gone and gotten distracted again...." True enough, Sidewinder had
picked up a magazine and was reading a *fascinating* article about slime-
excreting starfish.
"Well, you two don't need to worry as much. I mean, you used to be WCs at
one point, and at least you're a reserved NWC right now, Squidman. Besides, I
don't *think* this title is heavily crossing over with that storyline."
"Maybe, maybe not. Ever heard of a hero going by the name Kid Macro?"
Sig.Lad shook his head. "Nope. Sounds like a mudder, though. Why?"
"I'm not sure, but something about him strikes me as odd. He left this
note," Squidman held up the heavily-analyzed piece of paper, "after bailing me
out, and acted like he was an LNHer in general. But he didn't recognize me or
even stop to say hi. He might be a new member who hasn't gotten on the Roster
yet...."
"...Or he could be a retcon. I catch your drift, Squiddy," nodded
Sig.Lad.
Squidman paused, somewhat embarrassedly. "Um, please don't call me
Squiddy. That's *his* nickname."
"Oh. Sorry. Didn't mean to open old wounds. Anyway, I'll check around,
see if anyone else knows Kid Macro." With that, Sig.Lad ducked out of the
room. Sidewinder had already left. Squidman sighed and headed back to his
quarters, to get some rest before heading out in the pre-dawn hours.
* * * *
Reed Spacer was NOT a happy cop. Not only was his partner on sick leave
with a bad case of Lurgi (Reed'd had it as a kid, so he was immune. Yay), but
his superiors in their infinite wisdom decided to assign him a rookie straight
out of the academy as a temporary partner. Reed was still trying to figure out
which of the higher ups he'd torked off to deserve this.
"So, get into any standoffs with supervillains, Officer Spacer?" asked the
kid. Reed sighed.
"Do I look dead and in several smoldering pieces to you, kid?"
"Um, no?"
"Then I haven't gotten in any standoffs with supervillains. I ain't
special tactics and I ain't suicidal." And you're bringing out the crotchety
old stereotypical veteran cop in me, kid, Reed added mentally.
The kid pouted slightly. It was going to be a LOOOONG week. "If we
aren't supposed to engage supervillains, sir, then why do we have that Hyper-
Phase Distortion Blaster in the trunk?"
"Hmph. That thing. I'd forgotten about it. Confiscated it from a 5th
grader a coupla months ago. Kids carry the damnedest weapons these days. When
I was a kid, a zipgun was something special to have in class. But NOOO, now
they gotta be better armed than some smaller governments. Sigh. Look, kid, if
you wanna stand in the middle of the street and point a gun at Robgoblin or
Mean Master or Acton Lord, go ahead. The department covers funeral expenses."
The kid shut up for the next few minutes. Then the dispatch crackled to
life. "We have report of a 823-C on Lyle Avenue, 1400 block. Suspect is
reported as fled, proceed with caution unit 42."
"That's us, kid. If you're good, I'll let you fill out the paperwork on
this one." The kid smirked. He was young, but not stupid.
"Aren't the 800's supervillain activity? I thought we didn't do that."
"Yeah, most are. 823 means murder, suspected superhuman assailant.
Usually because the body is in such a weird condition that it can't have been a
normal killer. But the "-C" on it means it's just the body. No sign of a
super. Otherwise they'd'a called in SWAT, the LNH and whatever else, and stuck
us on keeping people away. I hope you didn't have a big dinner."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want any of it splashing on me when you see the body. Or
would you rather wait back in the car?"
The kid's expression turned deadly serious. "My brother was shot right in
front of my eyes in a driveby six years ago. This won't be my first corpse."
Reed snorted. Great, the kid became a cop for revenge. Next thing you
know he'll turn up in a cape and cowl on his nights off. "Yeah, but if it's an
823, it'll probably be your messiest. Even if your brother took one to the
head." The kid said nothing, and just looked grim. Reed stopped the car next
to the small knot of onlookers and press who invariably beat the police to most
homicides. Reed no longer let that kind of thing bother him, especially on
823s. It's not like he had a chance at the collar, after all.
"All right, people. Back off to a distance of at least five yards, try
not to break the evidence chain more than it is already. Hey, you! Put that
hand back or I'll show ya our delousing station. Sir, please back your minicam
off...."
Then he saw the body. It had been messily carved apart, and odd white
projectiles had splatted against it before death. He'd seen a corpse like this
only once before. Letting the kid rope off the area, he bent as close as he
dared to the body and inspected the projectiles.
Potato bits.
Damn, he cursed to himself. Just when you thought the most dangerous
thing in your fries was cholesterol, HE had to come back to town.
Spud, the Edible Assassin.
* * * *
"Constellation, have you seen Squidman?"
"I think he headed back out for his pre-dawn patrol. You know I don't
follow him around anymore."
"Yeah, yeah. Well, you'll want to know some of this too. Squidman ran
into a guy called Kid Macro tonight, and suspected him of being a shoehorn,
continuity-wise."
"So you started digging, eh?"
"Yep. Thing is, the Roster keeps *changing*. M-TM says it's not, but
every time I access it, it's different. Anyway, I got partial information on
Kid Macro, but his entry seems to be one of the slipperiest of the lot."
Sig.Lad called up the file he'd patched together.
=============================================================================
ROSTER ENTRY: KID MACRO
Joined: July 2, 199?
Alter Ego: ?
Powers: Born with uncontrollable superspeed. ? created his wrist comps, which
enabled him to control his speed, but only in pre-programmed actions, or
Macros.
Subgroup: ?
?
?
=============================================================================
"What are all the question marks?" asked Constellation.
"Bits I couldn't get, or which changed too often to trust. He definitely
has a subgroup affiliation, but I couldn't get it nailed down. Now, if this is
just some odd glitch and he's joined normally, his joining date would be this
year."
"But if it's last year or the year before...."
"Yep. Retcon." Sig.Lad sighed, and then turned to the keyboard. "Here's
another file I found which worries me a bit."
=============================================================================
ROSTER ENTRY: SQUALOR
Status: Net.Villain
Background/Powers: The revived corpse of Myk-El, the infamous Legion traitor.
Powers augmented by the ? during his revival. See also: Myk-El.
=============================================================================
"WHAT? He's a clone of Myk-El, isn't he?"
"That's what Occultism Kid told me. I asked him a few minutes ago, and he
says he never told me that. That in fact, he didn't get back from the
Freonverse until well after the whole incident, and he suspects we've been
had."
"But that body was really Myk-El's."
"I know. And so do you. But everyone else I've mentioned it to thinks
I'm crazy...everyone 'knows' Squalor is really Myk-El. Time is definitely out
of joint."
"Why do we still remember the old past?"
"Plot device? Well, in your case, not being a native probably has
something to do with it. In mine, I dunno. Maybe it's something about my
powers. Or maybe I've spent too much time in cosmic stuff to easily shift with
the tides of time. But Myk-El's case is definitely something we should keep an
eye on. If whoever's changing time sees it necessary to alter Myk-El's
background, he may have links to the initial faked-up treason. Acton Lord may
have been a mere intermediary in this, much as I'm embarrassed to admit it."
Sig.Lad paused, uncomfortable with broaching the next topic, but knowing he
really should. "Have you talked to Dot lately?"
Constellation shook his head sadly. "I don't know how I can change
something so deep inside that *I* can't see it. I'm trying, but..." he trailed
off helplessly. "Look, we don't know enough to solve the Myk-El mystery...
again...right now, and I'd rather not talk about my personal problems. Can we
do anything about Kid Macro?"
"What about me?" asked a voice from behind the pair.
* * * *
Sig.Lad's room was crowded by the number of net.heroes in it. Thankfully
it was one of those rooms that expanded a limited amount to accomodate extra
people, or it would have been a truly tight fit.
Sig.Lad, Constellation, Kopikat, Sidewinder, Squidman and Kid Macro
effectively filled the one-room quarters. Kid Macro looked around him
uncertainly.
Sig.Lad cleared his throat. "Now that we're all here...."
"Wait, aren't we missing some yet?" asked Kid Macro.
"Hm?" was Sig.Lad's oh-so-witty response.
"Like Easily-Discovered Man and Lite...."
"EDM...left, and Lite took a hiatus. A few months ago, in fact."
"Oh. But where's Lucky?"
Particle Man and Constellation both did doubletakes at the mention of the
name. Constellation was the first to recover, asking, "Which Lucky?"
Kid Macro looked embarrassed for a moment. "Yours. Sorry, forgot about
Particle Man's ex. Anyway, where is she?"
There was a long pause. Squidman broke the silence. "Look, Kid Macro, it
seems you did your research sloppily. If you're going to try and pass yourself
off as a Legionnaire...."
Kid Macro, flushed with anger, broke in. "I'm not passing myself! I'm a
Legionnaire, and what's more a founding member of the Secret Dvanders. I
should know Lucky as well as anyone!"
A fair bit of confusion ensued, but Sig.Lad shouted everyone down. "Kid
Macro, I've never seen you before today. The founding Dvanders are myself,
Constellation and Particle Man. That's it. And Lucky died months ago."
"NOOO! That can't be! I saved her from Lord Ebon! Don't you remember,
Constellation? You told us all to stay behind while you sought Ebon out, but I
got there first anyway! It took me weeks to get over the carnage...Lucky was
barely alive, Claw was in a coma which he still hasn't waken from, Triangle Man
was torn in half!" He fell to his knees, muttering, "damn it, i loved her
too...."
But before anyone could try to comfort the unknown hero, either by words
or actions, there was a bright green flash and he was gone....
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
_ _
(>) RETCON HOUR PART 5 (<)
_ _
(>) Nicks of Time Limited Series #1 (<)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
T H E N I C K S O F T I M E
N U M B E R O N E
"N I C K N A C K P A D D Y W A C K"
************************************************************
The three bodies beneath the sheets jumped as the electricity moved
through them. The Time Crapper watched gleefully, and shouted to his evil
minion, Contraption Man.
"Turn that dial! Press that button! Throw that lever! Get me a turkey
sandwich!"
"Want your onion roll toasted?" Contraption Man asked.
"Yea, verily!"
The buttons were pressed. The levers were thrown. The dials were turned.
Contraption Man put a little mustard on the sandwich.
Finally, the three bodies beneath the sheets sat upright.
"What are your orders, o Time Crapper?"
************************************************************
Decibel Dude stepped into the lobby of the LNHQ and witnessed a scene of
chaos. The receptionist was lying on the ground gasping for air. Heroes were
milling about in the lobby worriedly. D-Dude walked up to Cheesecake Eater
Lad to find out what was going on.
"All hell's breaking loose!" C-E Lad said. "There's this RACCelestial
outside who's going to move the Looniverse on the say-so of the Writers. The
Time Crapper's back and Contraption Man's working for him. Deductive Logic
Man's back too, and Bad-Timing Boy says the Time Crapper's going to do some-
thing to bring back Myk-El! Also, we're out of Cool Whip."
"My God! That's awful! I love Cool Whip! Wait a second. I thought Myk-El
was a villain and Contraption Man was a hero. What gives?"
"You must have been having your adventure in England when all that
Contraption Man stuff went down."
"Hey, my first attempt at LNH continuity! Neat!"
"Anyway, we're waiting for a debriefing from Ninj. Where's Vigilante
Guy?"
"Beats me. We just got back from...well...actually, I don't know where
we just got back from. Where does this crossover stuff fit into my continuity?"
"You have continuity?"
************************************************************
D-Dude sat at the back of the meeting, absently flexing his fingers. He
was in the mood to hit something. Anything. Though he wouldn't have admitted it,
he was looking forward to his first big LNH crossover. Finally, fighting along-
side all his fellow Legionnaires--
The air shimmered, and with a flash of bright light, a figure appeared
at the podium, next to Ultimate Ninja. Decibel Dude recognized him immediately.
It was hard not to recognize a man with bright red skin and six arms.
"It's Entity!" he shouted. "Man, I haven't seen you since...since...you
know, come to think of it, I don't remember the first time I met you. How do
I know who you are?"
"It occured during an adventure which was ret.conned," said Entity.
(Editor's Note: See the Swordmaster/Decibel Dude and Decibel Dude/Swordmaster
specials for the whole story. And have a little bean dip. Trust me, you'll
like it! It's tangy!) "I have come here because I have need of you, Decibel
Dude."
"What's your problem?"
"Do you know of the Shaft of Density?"
"Yeah. It's the black private dick who's a sex machine to all the
chicks."
"You're damn right!--NO! No. The Shaft of Density is one of the objects
which holds reality in place! But no longer. For it was destroyed and replaced
with the Staff of Density."
"Okay...and?"
"Well, the Staff of Density was stolen by a bunch of robots who needed
it for a limbo stick. So it was replaced by the Scarecrow of Density. However,
that only kept away the shambling corpse of Brandon Lee. So it was replaced
with the Fuzzy Dice of Density. Those were last spotted in Henry Winkler's car
Finally, the Tiara of Density was implemented."
"I am losing patience," said Ultimate Ninja. "Finish your tale or I will
give you the right number of arms."
"Don't threaten me, you pajama-wearing git. Now then. The Time Crapper
was created two evil minions, Chronos the Clown and the Time Mime, to fetch the
Tiara of Density! They have gone back in time to retrieve it from the man who
now possesses it."
"And that is..."
"Adolf Hitler. It goes with his earrings."
"Okay. Let me get this straight. You want me to go back in time."
"Yes."
"To find a Tiara."
"The Tiara of Density."
"Which is in the possession of Adolf Hitler."
"Correct."
"Because it goes with his earrings."
"Absolutely."
"The Tiara is also pursued by two of the Time Crapper's minions."
"Yes."
"The Time Mime."
"Yes."
"And Chronos the Clown."
"You've got it!"
"Heh. Heh heh. HAHAHAHAHA!!" laughed Decibel Dude. "Kill him!"
"You fool!" shouted Entity. "Don't you realize what will happen if the
Time Crapper succeeds? For one thing, all the NWCs will start acting like
complete loonies! Your partner's an NWC, isn't he?"
"My partner acts like a loony already!" replied Decibel Dude. "I don't
see what that--"
Vigilante Guy strode into the room, completely covered in a long over-
coat. "Everyone, I have an announcement to make. As of today, I no longer wish
to be known as Vigilante Guy. From now on, you can call me...RANCH DRESSING
MAN!!"
V-Guy threw off the cloak to reveal a white costume with little black
dots interspersed. His belt, which usually held a number of deadly weapons, now
held bottles and bottles of ranch dressing--tangy yet cool.
"Don't worry, Nick, you can still be my partner! You just have to change
your name to Kid Mayonnaise!"
It is an interesting sound, to hear several dozen net.heroes blink in
unison.
"All right," Decibel Dude said to Entity. "What do you need?"
************************************************************
Decibel Dude looked at himself in the mirror. He was wearing all-black
clothing, a suit and tie accompanied by a long overcoat. A wide-brimmed hat
completed the ensemble.
"I still don't see why I can't just wear my costume."
"In 1944, all the heroes were fighting the war, usually out of costume."
"They were naked?"
"No, you idiot, they were in the army!" Entity looked him over and
nodded.
"You'll be a lot easier to accept this way."
"Why? Who has to accept me?"
"I'll tell you when we get there." Entity began to whirl his arms about.
In a flash of light, they were gone.
************************************************************
"Er...Entity...shouldn't we be hurtling through the time stream right
now?" D-Dude looked around.
They were in an airport. Or what looked like an airport.
"This is the Som Yelsie timeport. Looks like things are a little crowded
today. We'll have to wait until the time travel's not as thick." They took a
seat in the lounge area, across from a guy in a white bodysuit. He was talking
into a portable phone.
"Yeah, Al, I know. I know. Look, Al, I'll talk to you later, okay?" He
hung up. "Hey, I haven't seen you here in a while, Entity!"
"Sammy!" said Entity. They shook hands. "What are you doing here?"
"Ah, the usual, putting things right that once went wrong...racking up
frequent leaper miles...what are you here for?"
"Same thing. Sam, this is Nick."
"PLeased to meet you," said Nick, shaking Sam's hand.
"Oops!" said Sam, looking at his watch. "I gotta run. Well...you know.
Talk to you later, Entity!"
"See ya, Sam."
Sam stood up and extended his arms. His body was consumed by blue elec-
tricity, and with a WHOOP and a flash of light, he was gone.
"Dude..." said one of two teens walking by. "Most excellent special
effects."
"Indeed, my friend. Well, where shall we go today? I don't want to get
involved in another near miss..."
"We parked the booth over there, didn't we?"
Entity read a magazine. Nick played with his hat.
"So this is where time travelers hang out," said Nick. "Have you ever
met Christopher Lloyd?"
"We're like this," said Enetiy, crossing three sets of fingers.
"I say!" A man with a curly head of hair, buck teeth, and a long scarf
ran up to them. "You didn't happen to see a young fellow with blond hair and
a sprig of broccoli pinned to his lapel walk by, did you?"
"Er...no," said Nick.
"Curses!" the man said. "As if it weren't bad enough those two Calif-
ornians keep getting their booth mixed up with mine..." He started to walk
away. "I told him, I'm the fourth, Thursday's my day to use it!"
Entity looked at one of his six watches.
"Time to go."
************************************************************
Here, then, is the entire log of Entity and Nick's trip back to 1944.
NICK:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
ENTITY:Dammit, not on my shoes!
Here ends the log.
************************************************************
"Ohhhhhhhhh...oh momma...I'm a gonna die..."
"Get up, Nick. You're not dying," said Entity.
"My pancreas is in a knot."
"It's just a little bent!"
"I think my small intestines ate my large intestines. My brain is in
backwards. Don't even ask me about my digestive system. Trust me, you don't want
to know."
"You know, I think it's illegal to puke on a public street in 1944,"
Entity mused.
"So?"
"Read this." Entity handed Nick a yellowing pulp magazine. The title was
_Nick Naime, Agent of PULP_.
"I've heard of this guy. Where'd you get this?"
"You know how there's a Fourth Wall?"
"Yeah?"
"There's a door in it."
"You know, I've found people who don't believe in the Fourth Wall. Some-
times even I have a hard time believeing it."
"Remember, there are more things in Heaven and Earth than Oliver Stone
should have put in there. Or something like that. Anyway, this guy doesn't
believe in the fourth wall, so don't mention it to him."
"Who would I mention it to him?"
"Because you're going to be working with him."
"Heh heh heh heh heh...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Another lawbreaker who must meet
justice!!"
Nick and Entity looked up. There, holding a Double Luger in their
direction, stood Nick Naime.
************************************************************
NEXT ISSUE:
MORE RETCON HOUR FUN!
NET.SI SMASHING ACTION!
AND THE MEETING YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR:
NICK EGGBEATER VERSUS NICK NAIME!!
ALL IN THE NEXT EXCITING EDITION OF "THE NICKS OF TIME!"
Entity is the property of the Badger.
Ultimate Ninja is the property of wReam.
Nick Naime is the property of Jeff McCoskey.
Concept by Dave Van Domelen, who probably doesn't even remember how.
Peter Milan
The Tick
The Weed of Crime Bears Bitter Fruit and the Vegetables Aren't So Hot Either
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
_ _
(>) RETCON HOUR PART 6 (<)
_ _
(>) System Corruptors #16 (<)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
System Corruptors #16 -- Collector's item, double-sized
FINAL ISSUE!
RETCON HOUR #6
{Cover is a hopelessly confused collage of villains, LNH heroes and
cosmic cataclism-like backgrounds. Pretty much like the storyline.
Prominently featured are numerous versions of Myk-El, a grey planet-sized
figure and Time Crappers.}
"RETCON HOUR ALPHA"
=============== ===============
Way back in April, a cosmic being new to the LNH created an
Elsewhirl, mainly to avoid being flamed by irate writers whose
characters he misused while learning the ropes. It existed in it's
own little corner of space/time, quiet, not bothering anybody, just
trying to get along. Of course, it had been handicapped by being
named Deadmeat Earth, but hey, we all have our crosses to bear,
right?
The planet had a hero, a storyline, and villains. Sure, the
cosmic being had orphaned it, but hey, maybe he'd come up with
something cool for it. It could dream. There was just one problem.
The Time Crapper REALLY hated it. A whole lot. It offended
him, having very little to do with the rest of the LNH but sucking
a portion of it's temporal energy for itself. So he decided he was
going to fix that planet's little red wagon for it.
"CONTRAPTION MAN!"
"Yes, TC?"
"Call me TC again, and I'll make sure you end up cleaning the
elephant house with your tongue for all eternity."
"Yes, boss." Contraption Man fingered his newest phased
implosion Plasma Rifle gently and hoped that someday he could shoot
his erstwhile leader (Not realizing that this Time Crapper was
in fact the _post_ Cry.Sig Time Crapper who was quite aware of his
treachery in serving wReamicus Maximus) many, many times.
"Contraption Man, is there any way we can divert some of the
energy generated when I re-retconed Myk-El so it will destroy that
pesky divergent earth over there?"
"I suppose so...let me get to work on a gimcrack. I have an
idea...what do you want to happen to it?"
"Something easy, something worthy of my consummate evil. I
know what we should do...."
=========== ============
On the picturesque little planet known as Deadmeat Earth,
people were going about their business. Birds were singing, parks
were full of people waiting for Fourth of July fireworks displays,
all sorts of celebratory events were in the works. They were in a
fanfiction again! Surely, things were looking up. Perhaps that
elsewhirl series will start up again, featuring our earth. The
citizens sat back to enjoy the show.
The Retcon Wave swept over their planet in an instant, and
they never knew what happened. Some people commented that they
never saw a fireworks display turn the entire sky bright red
before, and then their world was torn out of its orbit...and its
universe. The people were gone, and the planet became a lifeless
ball spinning through null-time. Kind of the way that QVC makes the
human brain feel when watching grown human beings attempting to
convince you that porcelain badgers are a good investment.
=========== ============
In the skies of the Looneyverse, lots of strange things
happen. It is named the Looneyverse, after all. But even those
people don't often see another earth pop up out of an immense rent
in the fabric of space and time (Hey, I have just as much right to
this cheesy narration as Patrick Stewart does, okay?) and head
straight for the planet. Luckily, it started out fairly close, so
it wouldn't have far to go.
Inside LNH Headquarters, Multi-Tasking Man looked at the
monitor, spit out his pork-laden breakfast muffin, activated the
emergency alarm, wrote a long love letter to Kate Moss that
implored her to eat more, and set up long range scans to determine
what had happened. Kid Chivalry and Sarcastic Lad rushed into the
room.
"Where's everybody else?" Asked the master of many actions at
once. "According to the scans, another planet Earth just appeared
out of nowhere, and it's on a collision course with this planet
Earth! We need the big guns, like Kid Kirby, Continuity Champ, The
Drizzt, somebody who can stop that thing!"
"You know, I just _love_ being casually dismissed in every
story I appear in because I'm not powerful enough to save the day."
Sarcastic Lad was in no mood. He felt odd, as if the timestream had
been continually Retconned. Well, actually, he didn't KNOW that was
why he felt odd. "Maybe Zagyg, our Illustrious Leader, can find out
what to do. I respect his leadership skills. Excuse me while I go
vomit."
"Sarc, get a grip. The three of us are here...we'll have to
do. And Besides, Zagyg isn't our leader, Myk-El is...I never even
heard of a Zagyg." Kid Chivalry, chivalrous as ever, if in this
appearance he'sbeing written as a paper thin parody of himself,
looked at thescans carefully. "If that's another Earth...where are
all the people?"
=========== ============
Good Question. The answer is, they were Retconned out of
existence when their universe went blooey. But the Time Crapper's
flagrant violation of the laws of causality and plotline would not
go unpunished. Green and grey lights flickered in the void between
Earth and Earth. A vortex of power illuminated the dark of space,
and a voice as hollow as the grave rang out.
"A whole world has died...and another is threatened. Time is
unraveling. The master plan is being disturbed. My sattelite
reception is lousy with that big thing hogging up space like that.
THIS MUST NOT BE!" Leaving aside the oft-pointed out fact that in
space nobody can talk on account of that vacuum thing, the voice
intensified in volume. "THE RAC.CTRE WILL PREVENT IT!"
A figure wreathed in a gray cloak that matched the color of
his skin appeared. His face was partially obscured by a pointed
cowl that hung low. He impassively floated in the void between
blanets,and gestured with the arcane force that comes with being
a dead guy, never mind the manifestation of ghostly justice.
"The destruction of two worlds would be unjust." The Rac.ctre
gestured again, and a wave of eldritch energy passed through the
Looneyverse, temporarily stabilizing time, space, and the
publishing industry, as well as the expected huge rise in the price
of coffee. The American soccer team lost to Brazil, ending their
probability defying streak of success. Then the enigmatic Rac.ctre
turned to face the planet careening towards Net.Earth.
"Sad as this may be, you must be stopped." The Rac.ctre then,
without a second of time passing, was nearly the size of the
planet. It was the kind of trick even David Copperfield couldn't
pull off. But then again, he has Claudia Schiffer. He has no need
for power. The Rac.ctre placed his immense hands on the globe,
specifically on North America, which was facing him.
for power. The Rac.ctre placed his immense hands on the globe,
specifically on North America, which was facing him.
Despite his immense ghostly power, he could not halt the
careening planet. He did slow its progress, but stopping it was
beyond him. "I need an equal mass to brace against, and our Earth
is the only source." He took his right hand off of the dead globe
and reached toward the living one.
"What's he DOING!?" Yelled Kid Chivalry. "That hand will crush
entire _cities_!"
=========== ============
Meanwhile (in a narrative, not temporal sense), the _pre_ Cry.Sig Time
Crapper surveyed the lush, green planet, its utopian population and idyllic
surroundings. In his pocket were back issues of _Ultimate Ninja_ and
_Constellation_. Beneath the fragrant skies of QWERTY, his own stench rose in
his nostrils. It was most unpleasant. He was glad the planet would be
destroyed. Under a tree he saw a young pre-teen as miserable as himself. He
approached the grim youth.
"Hello young Dev-Null."
"You stink Mister. Hey, how did you know my name?"
"Not important. I need you to do me a favor in twelve years. Have
your father, the jurist, wrongly execute Myk-El's parents on trumped up
charges, then banish and disgrace Myk-El himself."
"Cool. What's in it for me?"
"A big green lollypop."
"Mom says never accept candy from robed, stinky strangers."
"Then I guess you'll have to do it for free."
"Yeah. Damn."
=============== ===============
Conraption Man paced the bay of the Time Crapper's secret hideout,
blissfully unaware of the drama in deep-space that his innocent World Collider
was causing. He'd installed all the anti-detection devices the first hour,
chocked the former Universal Anchor in place, built the Deadmeat Earth device
and gotten a good night's sleep. In short, he'd run out of excuses _not_ to
work on the Chrono-Combobulator.
Contraption Man sighed and opened a panel on the former Anchor. The
chronal circuits appeared far from incomplete -- in fact they were working
perfectly, just not as the Time Crapper intended. Contraption Man decided to
contact his _real_ boss for suggestions.
He whipped out a small communicating device and fiddled with the dials.
A shadowy figure appeared in the tiny viewscreen, obscured by wavy distortion.
Behind CM, the large, black, spidery former Universal Anchor, now Chrono-
Combobulator, lurked menacingly.
The figure's voice was irritated. "Why am I distorted? You're
Contraption Man, for crying out loud."
"Time Crapper wants me to have more respect for Narrative," said CM
grudgingly.
"Hmm. Whatever. I assume your machine is working perfectly?"
"Of course. Rather than isolate and unify the Time Stream, the Chrono-
Combobulator disrupts Time, allowing many different, contradictory, streams to
exist at once.
"Excellent. Does he suspect?"
"No. He's just started his Retcons. Once it gets really confusing he
might, though. I don't know how long he'll buy the 'intermediate side-effects'
excuse. How soon until you step in, Master?"
"Soon my acolyte, soon. It is nearly time for my presence to be felt."
"But I'm running out of excuses why I can't stabilize the chronal
circuits. Not to mention nose-plugs. I told him it's going to take a month
to finish, but _nothing_ takes me a month to finish. He's getting suspicious.
If it hadn't been for that encounter with Dr. Stomper, I'd have run out of
techno-babble long ago."
"Save your excuses for the Time Crapper. I am uninterested. All I
require is that you maintain the chronal instability for another few days. Do
whatever it takes. Out."
"Yes, Lord," muttered CM peevishly. He looked at the spidery machine
and sighed. Then he opened a panel and spilled his Cappio into it. The
spidery machine did a brief hepcat bop then returned to immobility. "Oops,"
said Contraption Man sarcastically.
=============== ===============
Myk-El stood above the fallen figure of Ultimate Ninja. His power
armor lay in ribbons, but the red SunStation on his back remained untouched.
The Ginsu Katana lay broken at Myk-El's feet. "So you see Legionnaires, the
real traitor was....Ultimate Ninja!"
"Hooray!" cheered the Legionnaires. "Long Live Myk-El, leader of the
LNH!" Time Crapper looked up from the retconned Ultimate Ninja #5.
"Oops," said pre-Cry.Sig Time Crapper.
"Oops is right," said Contraption Man. "We need to make Myk-El _evil_
remember? That way the dvanders will never have reason to suspect a different
traitor, so I will get the time I need to finish the machine."
"Okay, let me try this again...."
=============== ===============
Catalyst Lass (wearing sunglasses), Domestic Lad and New-Look Lass
surveyed the newly constructed soundstage. It was a great half-shell that
dominated the Net.Ropolis skyline and assured plenty of tourism dollars for
years to come.
"Well Cat, th' last crew finished theyah wo'k. It should be readeh for
a test run."
"You be sure and tell those crews they did a super job D-Lad. You too,
New-Ly. Your set-dresser crews put in a ton of time and everything. I mean
everything just came together super!" Catalyst Lass smiled broadly, though she
couldn't see the results of her project. Her irises had vanished when she took
on All-Knowing-Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny Woman's mission. She did want to
hear her teammates' reactions however. She called to a control booth behind
the stadium seating.
"Shokk! Power us up, ok?"
Floodlights illuminated the iridescent stage, criss-scross colored
spots danced across the lavish stage textures and accents. The crystalline
runway glowed with light, reflecting like fireworks into the night sky.
Domestic Lad and New-Look Lass inhaled sharply.
N-LL spoke in hushed tones. "Heavens, Cat. It takes the breath away.
With all due modesty."
Suddenly, Cheesecake-Eater Lad ran up to the trio. "Cat! We've got
an emergency! The Time Crapper has struck, there's a parallel Earth or five on
a collision course with us, and cream cheese has been retconned out of
existence...."
"Gee, that's awful and all but shouldn't Ultimate Ninja handle that
kind of stuff? I'm a little busy just now, y'know?"
C-ELad grabbed his hair and yelled, "Too busy for cream cheese?!?!"
New-Look Lass eyed at the Motivational Maiden strangely. "Ultimate
Ninja? He's been in the Safe for years, ever since Myk-El revealed him to be
the traitor. As leader, it's your duty to...."
"_Me_ leader?" Cat asked, incredulous.
"Yeah New-Ly, Cat ain't th' leadeh. Thet's Myk-El ya'll lookin'
foweh."
=============== ===============
"What's he DOING!?" Yelled Kid Chivalry. "That hand will crush
entire _cities_!"
Multi-Tasking Man began running through his database on
inexplicable phenomenon, collating all database records on guys big
as planets, and searching for a way to prevent utter catastrophe.
While he did all that, he drank a Mr. Paprika. Occultism Kid then
walked in, calm as a cucumber, and Sarc hid under the nearest
console.
"Calm Down, KC. He's not physical. His hand is a manifestation
of ectoplasmic power. It CAN'T crush anything." Occultism Kid sat
down and began looking at the scanners read-outs, which had
switched into gibberish when the Rac.ctre had arrived. "Looks like
he'll just be able to stop that planet."
"Who _IS_ he???" Kid Chivalry and MTM asked at once.
"He's the Rac.ctre. One of those ghostly presences you hear
about, except merged with divine and demonic power. He walks the
shadow path between here and there, life and death. He's got some
sort of obsession with justice, from what my sources tell me. Must
have decided that the total annihilation of two worlds would be a
tad unjust.I hear he's the servant of the mysterious Mandrake
O'Strander. Say, you got any Mr. Paprika left?"
"No, that was the last one. Where were you? I sent out an
emergency alert to all LNH members."
"I was in meditation, trying to determine what's up with the
Hooded Ho`'od Win. All I could determine was that it's big. Then I
sensed a disturbance in the ether, and here I am." Occultism Kid
looked up at the screen again, as the Rac.ctre managed to stop the
onrushing planet. His ghostly face flickered with strain as he held
the worlds apart, and the hand that rested on the other earth was
clearly visible, larger than Australia. "I think things are
building to a head. We should have an answer pretty soon."
=============== ===============
The Rac.ctre had finally halted the other earth. He sighed,
and the sigh carried along the ether, signalling to all that one
threat had been averted. Then he looked up.
Another Earth was heading his way.
And Another.
And another still.
And another one besides. And another. And yet another. The
Rac.ctre pursed his lips, and in a grim, ghostly, gravely voice,
said the only thing that applied.
"Crap."
=============== ===============
The Time Crapper once again found himself on the idyllic surface of
QWERTY, addressing an adolescent Dev-Null. "Pee-yew, Mr. Don't they make
changes of underwear on your planet?"
"What a cute little boy," said Time Crapper through gritted teeth.
"Mom says I shouldn't talk to strangers."
"Then shut up and listen. First of all, forget what I told you yester-
day. I was just grasping there. What I really wanted you to do is get Myk-El
to go swimming in our special pool, wearing this special red diving helmet.
It'll be a great practical joke on him."
"Why can't I go swimming too?"
"Because this pool will stain his face and hair, and all the kids will
make fun of him driving him insane."
"Oh. Cool.
=============== ===============
Time Crapper looked up from the last panel of Ultimate Ninja #5,
tearing himself away from the mad eyes of Myk-El. Myk-El's green hair, white
skin and red lips were curled in a mad cackle as he destroyed the entire
LoonivEarth. Contraption Man was nowhere around. According to the comic, he
had died with the rest of the LNH when Myk-El arrived. Outside the secret
hideout, Net.Ropolis was half a destroyed wasteland, only Catalyst Lass'
massive bandshell still stood.
"Back to the drawing board...." muttered the Time Crapper.
=============== ===============
QWERTY again. "Ok Dev-Null, forget what I wanted those past two days.
I was barking up the wrong tree with those. Instead give him this drug, it'll
make all his hair fall out and maybe make him smart. But think how funny he'll
look with no hair."
* * *
"Ah-hah Time Crapper! My little ruse worked," exclaimed Contraption
Man. "Ever since Lex Myk-El came, all us supervillains united with the LNH to
fight him. Contraption Man is no longer evil, but your evil days are finished!
Face it, you're no Myk-El!"
"Eeps!" exclaimed Time Crapper as he time slipped again.
=============== ===============
Yup. Back to QWERTY. "Listen Dev-Null. Past three days? Just
kidding. Those weren't at all what I was shooting for. Do this instead. In
cross-dimensional math 101, change one of Myk-El's equations, then warn him
about it. He'll be so arrogant he'll dismiss you and have an accident,
confining him forever to an iron suit of armor. He won't get all the chicks
then!"
* * *
"They caught me easily, you buffoon," said Contraption Man from the
Safe. He was using his one phone call. "As Dr. Myk-El, he never _joined_
the LNH. He's been their arch-villain in Alt.Veria ever since he arrived."
Time Crapper sighed and hung up the phone.
=============== ===============
Now a Medallion-level member of the frequent-QWERTY program. "Alright
Dev-Null. Clean slate. Those other jokes were misguided. What I really meant
to say was: slip this serum in his drink. When he gets excited he'll turn
into a monstrous lizard with a lisp. Boy could you make fun of him then."
* * *
Contraption Man handed Time Crapper his resignation. "I'm sorry Time
Crapper. My work at the O'Myk-El Foundation is too important to interrupt for
time and space conquering. It's Myk-El. He's just so tragic you know? A
wonderful humanitarian mind linked to that slavering, lisping beast. Until we
save that noble man, I just can't commit to any other projects." Time Crapper
began sobbing.
=============== ===============
QWERTY -- you'll come back for the fun. "Ha ha. Ok Dev-Null, listen
up. All those other gags are stinkers. Here's the one that'll get him.
Hypnotise him and convince him he's got to eat entire suns....wait. Bad idea.
Tell you what. Just forget I was ever here, forget all those gags, and I'll
see you later. 'Kay? Please?"
* * *
Time Crapper looked around his hideout suspiciously. Contraption Man
eyed him impatiently. "Well?"
Time Crapper shuffled through his Ultimate Ninja and Constellation
books. "Myk-El is good again? You're evil again? The Time stream is back?"
"Yes, yes, and ehhhhhh."
"What do you mean, ehhhhhh?"
"Well, with the Chrono-Combobulator still unfinished, all those errant
time streams you created are still present. All at once. Kind of. Net.Jersey
was destroyed by Joker Myk-El. Golden Lord and the Classic Squad are still
good, since they had to fight Lex Myk-El. Myk-El was leader of the LNH before
both he and Ultimate Ninja were declared traitors. Encyclopedias list Dr.
Myk-El as the ruler of Alt.veria. And the O'Myk-El Foundation is on the verge
of curing revampitis. And the dvanders _still_ cleared Myk-El's name before I
could finish this machine."
"Look, I'm a Time Master, not a psychologist. How would _you_ make him
evil?"
Contraption Man snorted. "With a Contraption, of course...."
=============== ===============
Contraption Man worked nervously on the Universal Anchor. Myk-El had
gone evil thanks to an HP SunStation clone being inserted into his armor. The
Time Crapper had substituted the getup for Acton Lord's suit, which insured
Myk-El's evil conversion. There could be some side effects after Myk-El died,
but the important thing was that Myk-El had used a SunStation to attack his
friends, deflecting the dvanders' investigation. Myk-El was evil, Contraption
Man was above suspicion, and there was only the slight inconvenience of
multiple simultaneous time streams to contend with.
Now Contraption Man's dilemma was different. How could he avoid
completing the stabilization circuitry the Time Crapper wanted? His Master had
expressly forbid it, demanding the chronal chaos be sustained but there were
no more excuses....
Suddenly, a rank odor filled the LNH sub-sub basement. Contraption Man
had jimmied together some nostril cleansers ever since he had been ordered to
go to work for the Crapper. The cleansers burst into flame.
"Ooh, ow, ow." As Contraption Man picked his nose fretfully, he turned
to face....
"The Time Crapper returns!"
"But you were just here. And geez, you stink! I mean you stank
before, but this, <whew>," blurted the tinkerer. "And your complexion is a
little ruddier than it used to be..."
"Never mind," said the Crapper defensively. "I have new work
for you, my treacherous...I mean, Tinkering Lackey. I need you to
build me a PLOTICON, so that I may control the minds of others and
turn them into Time Jumpers and all sorts of malevolent things.
This must be your top priority. All else pales. And while you are
at it, could you pick me up some Correctol?" Contraption jumped
at the chance to stop work on the Universal Anchor. He didn't
think his Master would mind this diversion. In fact it sounded
right up his alley. Contraption Man and Time Crapper both turned
away from each other simultaneously.
The Crapper muttered to himself, "Ha ha! Now my pre-Cry.Sig
self's plans are dashed! Now, finally, after having to endure being
a pile of walking feces, I'll have my revenge! The universes will
be destroyed! The Ring of Retcon will be found! Contraption Man
will pay for his treachery! Willard Scott will finally be silenced!
The writers will be able to do all sorts of inane storylines! and
that fool wReamicus, who thinks HE is the master of chaos, will
find out that what the Time Crapper giveth is usually rather
odiferous!"
Meanwhile Contraption Man spoke into a scrambled, secure communicator.
"That's right Lord. He wants me to forget the stabilizer and create more Time
Jumpers."
The distorted figure chuckled with glee. "Excellent! Then not only
will the Time chaos remain, but these jumpers could cause more! You are an
excellent slave, Contraption Man, and <sniff, sniff> what's that smell? Are
you transmitting that?"
"No, uh it's...."
"Gag! That's awful! I'll give you further orders later, out."
Contraption Man and Time Crapper turned to each other simultaneously.
"Did you say something?"
"Uh, no did you?"
"Oh, uh, no. Well gotta go."
"Right, bye."
=============== ===============
Contraption Man's face blipped off a communication screen. The shadowy
Master leaned back from the screen gasping for air. His gasps turned to
chortles, guffaws, then outright belly laughs.
"Ha Ha HAHAHAHA! It couldn't _be_ more perfect! First I planted the
files that piqued the dvanders' interest in Myk-El, wrecking Time Crapper's
plans, forcing him to Retcon. Then I converted Contraption Man to become an
Acolyte of Dvandom! He has given the Time Crapper enough capability to Retcon,
but has insured all the Retcons apply simultaneously! Now, more Time
travellers add to the chaos. How long before Continuity itself collapses
completely? How long before a trembling idiot universe dances to the insane
discontinuous pipings of WREAMICUS MAXIMUS? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Interrupting the repetitive ASCII string, a light on wReamicus Maximus'
console began buzzing insistantly.
"Yes?"
An evil reptilian voice sounded through the speakers. "How soon
Maximus? You've spent all the seed money I fronted. I demand you make good
and open your dimension to me!"
"Soon, my friend, soon. This scene takes place in a Retconned past.
I assure you, once the narrative returns to the present I will open the door
to the Looniverse. Patience my friend, patience!"
"Very well Maximus. But do not delay me too long. More titles are
being created daily. I itch for release."
"I would not dream of delaying you. I will utterly destroy Continuity,
then you can cancel all LNH titles. Looniversal Chaos will reign forever!"
The impressively garbed supervillain laughed long into the night. Since his
Acolytes did most of his work, he had nothing better to do.
=============== ===============
Invisible Incendiary led Catalyst Lass into the Medi-lab.
"So tell me again, why I should lead you here? You're not blind are
you?"
"No silly," laughed Catalyst Lass nervously. "Really dark shades are
just the latest thing, you know? Hey, here we are!" The antiseptic smell
told Cat they had arrived, allowing her to cut off further inquiry from her
invisible friend.
"Hey, Cat," greeted Organic Lass. "I don't know what to do about
Hooded Ho`'od Win. She has amassed an incredible amount of energy. By all
rights it should have burned her to ashes by now. And that missing iris thing
is really creepy."
"That's alright Ori. Thanks a bunch for taking care of her and stuff,
but I know what to do now." Catalyst Lass removed her dark sunglasses. Ori
and II gasped at her all-white eyes. "Wake up, Hood! Lazy thing, it's time
for the Pageant!"
Abruptly, Hooded Ho`'od win sat up, her white hospital sheets wrapped
her body in a pure version of her former cloak. Naturally, her head was hidden
from view. Hood rose from the bed in a pious, arms-outstretched posture.
<( Indeed Cat you are right. It is time....)> Hood flared out
suddenly. Amidst a flash of blinding light she became translucent and expanded
nearly as large as the LoonivEarth itself, drawing an appreciative leer from
the Rac.tre who was unaccustomed to over-endowed gals on a planetary scale.
Her hood appeared in every Net.Heroine's mind throughout the LoonivEarth.
<(SHE WHO MUST KNOW....WHO`'OD WIN DEMANDS TO SEE WHO SHALL BECOME THE
SAVIOR OF NET.EARTH. WHO SHALL BECOME....
THE RACCELESTIAL MADONNA!)>
=============== ===============
Kid Chivalry and the others were so busy staring at the
screens that the fact that they didn't notice the time portal
opening up behind them is perfectly understandable. However, it was
a big mistake. Three menacing shapes walked through it, and then
cleared their collective throats. Sarcastic Lad, Occultism Kid,
Multi-Tasking Man and Kid Chivalry all turned simultaneously.
"Who are you three?" Asked Kid Chivalry.
"We are The Dark Renegades. The Time Crapper sends his
regards. TIMMY, SLAUGHTERIZE 'EM!"
The dark and malevolent version of the beloved CAW from the
Load Island Renegades let loose with a hail of gunfire. Sarc dived
back under the consoles with MTM. Occultism Kid gestured up a magic
shield, then the evil temporal duplicate of the Squealing Flying
Rodent, the Shrieking Rabid Airborne Rat, leapt on top of him. Kid
Chivalry teleported out of the way of the bullets and drew his
claymore.
"Don't I recognise you..yeah, you were here with Decibel Dude
and EDM Lite, right?" He parried as the mysterious stranger, garbed
from head to toe in ill fitting black spandex, attacked with two
Katana's he had not had a moment earlier.
"No...that was my alternate. I am DARK SWORD! En GARDE!" And
soon, the swordfighting began in earnest. Well, not IN earnest,
that would most likely kill him. But the kid gloves were definitely
off, bubba. KC soon learned that without his ability to teleport
to give him an edge, that the mysterious swordsman he faced was
improving by the second. Then he felt his back slam against
something metal. He looked up.
Staring down at him was the black beak of TIMMY.
"Goodnight, Claude." WHANG!
"TIMMY! He was MINE!"
"Oops. Sorry, Mike." The two intruders turned to the console,
where Sarcastic Lad and MTM were hiding.
"Why am I hiding from these bozos?"
"I have no idea, Sarc."
Sarcastic Lad pulled out a large firearm and began blasting
away at TIMMY, who stood there and began to yawn. His metal
carapace absorbed the impacts. TIMMY then fired a potent narcotic
gas into the crawlspace, knocking the two out. Occultism Kid,
seeing how the storyline was progressing, waved his hands and
knocked the Rabid Rat unconscious. (He didn't cast a spell..the
back of his hand accidentally brushed his face first.)
"TIMMY! GET THE MAGICIAN!"
Dark Sword was too late, however. Occultism Kid was gone.
"Damn! Quick, TIMMY, access the computer system! I'll contact
the master." While TIMMY changed his arm into a probe and began
taking control of LNH Headquarters computer system, Dark Sword
pulled out his Temporal Cell-Phone and dialled 1-800-End-Time.
"Time Crapper here."
"We have LNH Hq, master."
"EXCELLENT, Dark Sword! Now I will send you to annihilate
wReamicus Maximus...AND CONSOLIDATE MY GRIP ON ALL TIME!" An
unpleasant smell began to issue from the phone...but Dark Sword was
under mind control, and didn't notice.
=============== ===============
Bad-Timing Boy, Pizza Girl, Continuity Champ Jr., Bizarre Boy and
wReamhack stood outside the Net.Ropolis Cemetary. They gulped.
Bad-Timing Boy said, "Tell me again why we're here?"
wReamhack shivered at the atmosphere. "Pizza Girl's uncle, Ultimate
Ninja, heck the entire Looniverse is being wracked with Retcons. It's getting
so no two LNHers can agree on anything in our history. Our back-issue library
is in shambles. But I think it all started with Myk-El. Through careful
investigation," wReamhack coughed, "Renegade Programmer and I established that
Myk-El could not be buried in his grave. I think the key to this whole mess
is <gulp> in there."
"Ok." said CCjr. "Then let's get cracking."
The quartet made their way through the cocked and crumbling headstones
to Myk-El's last resting place. CCjr decisively chocked his shovel down.
Before he could extract even one shovel of dirt, an eerie almost metallic voice
sounded from behind them.
"Now who has invaded my home -click- knowing the penalty is kuk-death?"
They turned to see a menacing figure backlit in the moonlight. Some
sort of armor seemed to be half grafted to his otherwise decaying body.
Embedded in the armor, a faux SunStation blinked insistantly. "Myk-El?" asked
wReamhack with dread. "That can't be you."
("I thought he was in Alt.veria," muttered Pizza Girl. "No running an
institute," hissed B-TBoy.)
"No. Wh-rrrrr-e once lived Myk-El, now unlife kuk-calls me SQUALOR."
=============== ===============
wReamicus Maximus threw a significant-looking switch. A high-tech
portal shimmered with unknown fields. Out of the colorful display strode
a huge being. A glittering purple and green costume completely covered his
features, except for the all-white eyes.
"You see my friend? I am as good as my word. Welcome to the
Looniverse, IMPLO."
IMPLO looked at wReamicus Maximus scornfully. "System Corruptors is
cancelled," was all he said. wRM clapped his hands in delight and laughed as
IMPLO went out into the Looniverse.
============== ===============
HOW MANY MORE VILLAINS CAN THEY PACK INTO THIS DAMN THING?!?
DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON?
IF YOU'RE CONFUSED JUST BE THANKFUL YOU DON'T LIVE IN
NET.ROPOLIS! THEIR TAX DOLLARS ARE PAYING FOR THIS!
RETCON HOUR CONTINUES in your favorite LNH titles!
***<A Pseudo-Random House/Narcoleptic Dogs Production>****
Copyright 1994 Matt Rossi III AND Jeff J McCoskey
Won't this be fun in court.
--
Jeff J McCoskey |M| "Preservatives might be preservin' you all:
DoD# 750A2 |c| I think that's somethin' you mighta missed."
jjmcc at ix.netcom.com |Q| -- Jefferson Airplane
>>your Ad here! low $$, commensurate visibility<<
==========
Next Week: RETCON HOUR Gamma!!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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