LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #19: RETCON HOUR Alpha
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue May 24 18:08:02 PDT 2016
LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #19: RETCON HOUR Alpha
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the first part of RETCON HOUR.
Okay, Retcon Hour is one of the biggest crossovers in LNH History
(well, at least in terms of the number of authors who participated
in it.)
Retcon Hour happened during a time of transition for the LNH when
rec.arts.comics.creative became the LNH's new home replacing
alt.comics.lnh as the place to post stories.
A central figure in Retcon Hour is the character Myk-El created by
Mike Kelly who was one of the original Cosmic Plot Device Caper
LNH'rs. Back in the early days of the LNH there were a number of
flame wars about whether you should crosspost LNH stories to the
newsgroup rec.arts.comics.misc. Mike Kelly took the side that
frowned upon the crossposting, which caused some bad blood between
him and various other LNH writers of the time.
Ultimate Ninja #5 written by Raymond "wReam" Bingham revealed Myk-El
to be a traitor that Contraption Man had warned about in the Cry.Sig
storyline and killed him (without Mike Kelly's permission). This was
approved by the various other Council Elders (a group of LNH writers
that sort of ran things at the time) with the exception of Dave Van
Domelen who resigned from the Council (which ultimately was the final
nail in the Council of Elders' coffin).
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Misc/Deja+Ultimate.Ninja.gz
Dave Van Domelen would several months later write Constellation #27
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Constellation/Constellation.27.gz
which had the Secret Dvanders dig up the grave of Myk-El to reveal that
it wasn't Myk-El who was the traitor. And this led to another Flame
Warl. And eventually to Retcon Hour (name inspire by the DC crossover
at the time called Zero Hour).
The first issue of Retcon Hour is LNH Triple Play #4 written by Joltin'
Jeff McCoskey (RACC of Faith). Jeff was kind of in charge of the whole
crossover and made sure all the issues came out in time)
The second issue is Sword Master & the Load Island Renegades #11 by Matt
"Badger" Rossi. Matt would years later get paid to write fiction and
get various stories published.
And the third issue is Generation Y #7 by Martin Phipps. Generation Y was
kind of the LNH's Teen Titans (various LNH sidekicks on the same team).
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #19
=====================
RETCON HOUR Alpha
=====================
From: Jeff J McCoskey <jjmcc at ix.netcom.com>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: LNH REPOST: RETCON HOUR TEB #1
Date: 19 Feb 1997 01:59:42 -0800
Author Credits: RH0 -- JJMcC, RH2 -- Matt Rossi, RH3 -- Martin Phipps
(NOTE -- ignore all references to Pliable Lad -- he has been RETCONNED ;] )
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
_ _
(>) RETCON HOUR PART 0 (<)
_ _
(>) LNH Triple Play #4 (<)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
************************************************************************
"RACC of Faith"
************************************************************************
"Brother Nomex, do you see what I see?"
"Indeed, Brother Napalm, I was about to ask you the same thing."
Nomex Man and Captain Napalm were streaking through the clear blue
skies above Net.Ropolis when the giant figure had suddenly appeared.
"He seems to out-Kirby Kid Kirby, does he not?"
"Most certainly he does."
The citizens of Net.Ropolis pointed skyward at the impassive armored
figured. Napalm and Nomex circled his massive head, but the figure paid no
attention to them whatsoever.
"He seems not to pose a threat to anyone, provided he does not suddenly
cease levitating."
"Agreed brother Nomex. Perhaps we should...."
Captain Napalm broke off his thought as the crowd began muttering to
one another and pointing. Faintly, the LNHers heard the word "choose,"
repeatedly.
"Choose, Brother Napalm? Choose what?"
"I choose to bring the matter to Dr. Stomper. Perhaps he knows. Shall
we?"
"Let's."
They streaked off towards the LNHHQ.
=============== ===============
Catalyst Lass sat at her usual table at the Net.Heroes Cafe. Deductive
Logic Man sat across from her. He leaned back from his empty plate and fished
a curved pipe from his pocket.
"Eeww. You're not going to smoke that blechhy thing are you?" she
asked, wrinkling her nose.
Ferris' mouth turned upward slightly. "No, I suppose I'm not."
"Good. Those things are so gross. But like I was saying Ferris, why
don't you come on back to the Legion? I bet I could convince Ultimate Ninja to
let you back in."
"If anyone could, you could," agreed Ferris. "But UN has been acting
_strange_, and not just lately. I'm not sure what's behind it, but I think
I'll wait it out a little longer."
Cat pouted. Before she could speak, a hubbub broke out in the restaur-
ant. People near the window fell under sudden shadow. Cat and Ferris rushed
to the window to see the bottom of an immense shoe levitating above the street,
blocking the sun. "What in the Net...?"
The people of Net.ropolis had seen many strange things since the LNH
set up shop. It was experience more than any fundamental nobility of human
nature that kept them from panicking and running rampant through the streets.
Even so, a giant, levitating armored figure floating above the city was bound
to unnerve a few.
Ferris' sharp ears picked out a common theme to the commotion that
reverberated outside. "Choose?" he wondered.
Cat's communicator thingie hummed. "Whooops!" she giggled. "I've got
to remember to wear these vibrating thingies in less sensitive places!" She
touched it. "Catalyst Lass here."
From her pin, Dr. Stomper's voice faintly rose. "Cat? Kid Kirby has
called an emergency meeting for select Legionnaires. You're on his list."
"Ok, Doc, I'll be there in a jiffy. Hey, y'know there's this giant guy
floating over Net.Ropolis right now? Should we be doing anything about it and
stuff?"
"I think that's what Kirby's going to talk about."
"Makes sense," mused Ferris. "Jumbo looks mighty Kirbian..."
"Hey, Dr. Stomper," rushed Catalyst Lass. "Is Ferris on his list?
He's here with me now."
Dr. Stomper was uncomfortably quiet. "Umm, no...."
"Don't worry Cat, you go on ahead. Tell you what. Meet me for dinner
tomorrow if you can and we'll talk about it then."
Catalyst Lass seemed about to try to change his mind, but instead
sighed. "Oh, ok grumpy. See you then..." She rushed off in direction of the
LNHHQ.
=============== ===============
In the LNHHQ basement, a large machine of indefinite proportions hummed
along. It operated on a power cell provided by Pocket Man, so it could con-
ceivably run forever. Which was a good thing. For despite the cobwebs and
dust it was arguably the most important machine in the Looniverse. Which, you
would think, would warrant some type of observation -- one of Multi-Tasking
Man's tasks at the least. Sadly, that was not the case. Abruptly, a dummy
light lit on a dashboard mounted incongrously to its front. Other than that,
the machine continued humming as normal.
=============== ===============
Kid Kirby surveyed the crowd before him. Adamant-Authority-On-Every-
thing was energetically endorsing the theory that the armored figure was
'Claude,' the fourth Pep Boy. Golden Man strode in the back door. "Yessirree,
it sure has been a while since we've taken on an honest-to-goodness giant.
Well, that wasn't a new-fangled working technology robot anyway."
Master Roster Man waved a hand to Kid Kirby, indicating the last on the
list had arrived. Kirby assumed a dramatic pose, his perspective distorting
grandly. The room hushed in awe.
A voice whispered in Catalyst Lass's ear making her jump. "Looks like
a regular Looniverse Adrift! reunion."
"What? Oh, II." Cat looked around. Sure enough, most of the heroes
she had led during Master Workload's attack were in the room, with the excep-
tion of Deductive Logic Man. "Well that's sure odd...hey! You're not supposed
to be here II!"
"Yeah, well if UN ever gets his revamp done, this guy," the Incendiary
indicated Kid Kirby, but of course noone could see him do it. "This guy is
next on the 'needs to be taken down a peg' parade."
Catalyst Lass smiled in spite of herself at Invisible Incendiary's
proclivity for practical jokes. "Hush you! Kirby's about to speak."
"LEGIONNAIRES! Most of you are confused to the nature of the giant
that lurks over Net.Ropolis. Let me first ease your minds. He poses no
threat, at least not in the traditional sense. The name Kirby knows him by is
ReFoDis. He is a RACelestial."
The crowd mumured amongst itself. Kid Kirby waved a gauntlet.
"He is here to move the universe, should that be necessary." Kirby had
obviously not considered the effect his words would have. The Legionnaires
jumped to their feet and shouted questions at him. Captain Capitalize was
naturally heard above the din, but his question was on many lips.
"WHAT IS THIS 'CHOOSE' THING THAT EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT?"
If it was possible for an armored helmet to look uneasy, Kirby's did.
"If you heard ReFoDis' call, that is the mechanism by which the
Looniverse's fate will be decided. It's residents will 'choose.' "
"Yo, dude, like I didn't hear a thing, y'know? Just Kid G and Panta
talkin' " Everyone in the room except Invisible Incendiary echoed California
Kid's comment.
"Indeed," said Kirby uncomfortably. "Which is why you are all here.
As NWC's you don't really get a, ah, ....vote." The tumult that followed made
the previous unrest seem like a librarian convention.
Sarcastic Lad voiced a common sentiment. "Hey, don't worry about us.
We _love_ being second class citizens. I think UN was perfectly right ignoring
Cat's excellent leadership. I don't even think we deserve a vote."
Even Kirby's best dramatic poses were having little effect on the NWC
outrage. "This is not the gross injustice it seems....it's based on sound
Looniversal physics...." Even his Kirbian speakers were being drowned out.
Catalyst Lass finally began reigning in the outrage.
"Hush you guys hush! This isn't Kid Kirby's fault, right?" Under
Cat's influence the crowd uneasily quieted. She turned to Kid Kirby. "So what
exactly does this mean to us? A new address and stuff?"
Kirby coughed, which noone in the room could ever remember hearing
before. "Not exactly. You might begin feeling some slight....personality
disorders. If it moves, the Looniverse will be accessible to many more....
forces....that could potentially change how you act."
"What the @)&* are you %#$^@in' talking about?" asked Innovative
Offense Boy. The bags under his eyes could've supported a trip to Europe.
"Well for example," Kirby pointed to Catalyst Lass.
"_Me?_"
"Read any books lately?"
"No, but I just started 'Heaving Bosoms' this morning..."
"How often do you read Romance novels?"
"It goes in cycles, y'know? Maybe every three months or so." Cat was
slightly defensive.
"I see. And your 'ditz-speak' ? About the same. These 'cycles' are
the result of a handful of forces, no more than three, acting on you. If the
Looniverse moves, all of you," Kirby's gauntlet gestured to the audience,
"will be prey to the whims of many many more...forces. Possibly contradictory.
Possibly....sinister."
<( Then this is similar to Myk-El and Contraption Man? )> asked Hooded
Ho`'od Win.
Kirby was motionless for a long pause. "Not exactly. Myk-El had more
protection than any of you." The horror set in fully on the NWC's. "Thank you
for coming. That is all Kirby had to say." He left a stunned silent crowd.
=============== ===============
A continuity-friendly imprecise number of centuries into the future, a
hooded figure regarded the man before him. His throne room was
decorated with the bizzare yet striking themes of timepieces and water closets.
The 'throne' itself was a Chester lush enough to drive Al Bundy mad with envy.
"So Contraption Man. Acton Lord's GIF was discovered?" There was an
annoying tone of I-told-you-so in the hooded figure's voice.
"It was a good plan," said Contraption Man defensively. "By bargaining
with Acton Lord, we got a GIF to blame our actions on. In the meantime it
alibi'd me while I worked in secret in the basement. But somehow the Myk-El
diversion was seen through a little too soon, before the machine was half done.
Look, without the GIF, they'd have stumbled onto _me_."
"This is what happens when you leave strategy to engineers. First the
ill-advised bargain with Acton Lord, now dropped deadlines. You were at least
able to install the emergency circuits, were you not?"
"Well yes, but...."
"So what would it take for you to finish the machine?"
"Months, maybe. If only they had not discovered me so soon...."
"I should have known it would take more direct action to change history.
Very well. Suppose Myk-El had actually gone Evil. Then there would have been
no reason to suspect you, would there? We wouldn't even have needed the extra
layer of security and could bypass Acton Lord altogether." Better yet, if you'd
just kept your mouth shut about the traitor in the first place, the hooded man
thought.
"But My-Kel wasn't Evil."
"For a Time Traveller, you are singularly un-insightful. When the
machine's emergency circuits trip, we will be able to time-slip at will.
Without having to act as _your_ chronal chaeuffeur I can use my power for more
important tasks. Provided your design even works," he added in a nasty aside.
"We could destroy QWERTY in such a way as to drive him mad, corrupt his parents
and have him raised as a villain, expose him to a prototype PowerPCSun, or just
bribe his Writer. All we need do is wait for the emergency circuits to trip when ReFoDis...."
"Hold on. If we are in the future of the LNH, why do _we_ need to wait?
It's their time stream not ours." The robed figure sighed.
"First no sense of Paradox, now no sense of Narrative. Are you sure
you've done this Time Travelling before?" Contraption Man shifted his weight
in embarrassed anger. "Just let me handle reshaping Time. You concentrate on
finishing the machine once I re-retcon Myk-El. All you need do is turn the
Universal Anchor into the device that gives me mastery over all of Time! If you
can manage that simple task. Mwah-ha-ha-ha!"
"I may work for you now, but once we get the machine done...." said
Contraption Man to himself.
"And at least have the decency to be _behind my back_ when you
plot behind my back," tsked the hooded villain. "Amateurs."
=============== ===============
Catalyst Lass was readying herself for dinner with Deductive Logic Man.
Her light blue body suit and yellow jigsaw-puzzle piece logo looked sharp after
their recent cleaning. Her perky features were tensed in thought.
"OOooh this is stinky. If the Looniverse moves, all us NWC's could go
crazy and stuff. It sounds just awful. I mean, I'm already way behind on my
Hardly-Kin Romance of the Month Club. I might never get to Fab B.O.'s new
book!" Her lower lip trembled slightly at the grim thought, but her features
quickly firmed in resolve. "If Ferris doesn't have any ideas and stuff, I
might just have to use my catalytic powers to vote this whole thing down." She
slammed her fist into her palm to punctuate her idea. "Hey, that's a neat
idea..."
Behind her, smoke began filling her room. Out of the smoke stepped the
mysterious figure of All-Knowing Last-Chance Whiner Destiny Woman, gesturing
dramatically.
"Nay, Cat. The Looniverse's fate is larger than your will; your powers
are needed in another matter still."
"Hey, neat! Have you been reading _Netrigan_?"
AKLCWDWoman clasped her hands together. "Oh. Is this not a NTB
title....? I see. Let me start over." She turned around bent her head and
waited a few beats. Abruptly she turned back around with the same grand
gesture.
"Nay, Cat. Fate has placed the Looniverse in hands other than
yours. The danger that looms before the NWCs is dwarfed by another unseen
threat. _You_ can set rolling the genesis of salvation for all the Looniver-
sians. _You_ Catalyst Lass have been chosen to begin the selection of the
RACCelestial MADONNA!"
Catalyst Lass' irises disappeared from her eyes, as was standard for
people no longer in complete control of their own will. As AKLCWDWoman faded
back into her billowing smoke she held out a pair of sunglasses. "You know
what must be done, Cat. Now put on these sunglasses -- this white-eye thing
is most unsettling."
=============== ===============
Hooded Ho`'od Win hopped out of the shower. In a stunningly contrived
sequence she managed to hop over to her prosthetic leg and struggle into it
without ever revealing either her face or her considerable feminine charms.
With one towel draped over her head she retucked her body-towel tightly. A
loud bump came from her bedroom.
<( Who is there? )>
"Hey Hood, just me," came Catalyst Lass' voice. Hooded Ho`'od Win
walked out to greet her. Cat was groping blindly before her, and wore dark
glasses. "Are you in here?"
<( Right here, Cat. Are you okay? Shouldn't you be going to dinner
with Ferris now?)> At the Matchup Maid's voice, Cat zeroed in on her, grabbed
her friend by the shoulders.
"I'm just super, Hood. But I have a larger mission than dinner now.
With your help, we're going to find the RACCelestial Madonna! Isn't that just
the most?"
<( I do not understand... )> Cat removed her sunglasses and looked
somewhere near Hood's scalp line. <( Mind control! )> gasped Hooded Ho`'od Win
as she spotted Cat's all-white eyes.
"No,no silly. If it was mind control I'd be moving real stiffly and
saying "Yes Master" and stuff. This is Cosmic Mission! You've got to call all
the women superheroes in the Looniverse together and find out Ho`'od Win and
get to be the Celestial Madonna!"
<( I have no interest in such a contest. )>
"Well no duh. That's why I'm here. And have I got an idea how to
decide..." Catalyst Lass catalytic powers, augmented as they were by her
Cosmic Eyes, easily overwhelmed Hooded Ho`'od Win. If Hooded Ho`'od Win's
face were visible, which of course it never was, her eyes would be pure white.
=============== one month later ===============
A shell of silver orbitted the Net.Earth, its fragility belying the
awesome powers it contained. Inside, two of the Looniverse's most powerful
entities were locked in tense combat. Sweat beaded on brows, hands knotted
tensely. Mental strain was a near palpable force in the craft's artificial
atmosphere.
"You took your hand off it."
"No, I didn't."
"You did. Now king me."
"I tell you, I never did."
Continuity Champ strolled into the main bay of the Drizztsat. "Would
you please keep it down?"
"The Drizzt is cheating," said Deja Dude, wincing at CC's always-jarring
color scheme.
"Deja's a sore loser," countered The Drizzt. Continuity Champ sighed.
"Look, the rest of the Drizzt Defenders are sleeping. If they wake up,
I have to talk with them. Could we at least try a different game?"
"What do you have in mind?" asked Deja Dude.
Continuity Champ gave a smug smile and lifted an oblong cardboard box.
"Have you ever heard of Jenga?"
=============== ===============
Deductive Logic Man had spent the last month trying to get in touch
with Catalyst Lass, to find out why she stood him up and what was going on.
He knew she was involved in some massive construction project in the center of
Net.Ropolis. Her duties as controller seemed to leave no time for him. Even-
tually he got tired of leaving messages on her answering machine and got the
nerve to go to the LNHHQ. He was currently in heated discussion with the
receptionist.
"I'm sorry Mr. Logic, but Ultimate Ninja's orders were explicit. You
are not to be admitted until further notice."
"Look this is an emergency. Catalyst Lass is acting weird, catalyzing
five construction companies to build some large soundstage in the middle of
Net.Ropolis. Kid Kirby's big brother hasn't moved in the last month and
I understand Hooded Ho`'od Win is missing...."
"She's not missing, she's gone catatonic." Dr. Stomper entered the
reception area, to the receptionist's relief. "Hey Ferris. Hood seems to be
building up a tremendous amount of power for some reason."
"Dr. Stomper, _what_ is going on?"
"You mean no one has told you? That is the RACelestial ReFoDis. He
means to move the Looniverse if enough voters decide to." Dr. Stomper looked
glum. "Those of us that don't get a vote get put into some risk of revamp,
but most people seem to think its a good idea...."
Ferris started. "Move the Looniverse? But what about the Universal
Anchor?"
Dr. Stomper struck his forehead. "How stupid of me. I've been so
preoccupied with my nephew lately I forgot all about it."
"If he really means to move the Looniverse, we better get Contraption
Man to shut it off. Who knows what will happen if the RACCelestials override
the machine that holds the Looniverse in place."
Dr. Stomper looked uncomfortable. "You have been out a while, haven't
you Ferris? Contraption Man turned out to be an Evil GIF. We don't know where
the real one is."
"Are you telling me the man who built the Universal Anchor was _Evil_?
There's no telling what he's done to the machine. We've got to turn it off
before...."
Outside, a great commotion erupted. ReFoDis had raised his arm, his
thumb extended level. People streamed into the streets. Legionnaires began
pouring through the reception area. Ferris raised his voice to keep contact
with Dr. Stomper.
"Dr. Stomper, we've got to shut off that machine!"
"Follow me!" Against the protests of the receptionist, Ferris and Dr.
Stomper began fighting through the crowd of heroes to the stairs.
ReFoDis looked down along the length of his arm. Ferris and Stomper
reached the stairs and leapt down them four at a time. A mechanical whir
sounded from ReFoDis' arm actuators. Stomper and Ferris burst into the
Miscellaneous Equipment Room. A dummy light on the Universal Anchor's dash-
board was flashing madly. ReFoDis hand quivered. Stomper and Ferris leapt
for the ignition switch. Bad-Timing Boy suddenly stood up. "Y'Know, I've
always wondered what's in this room...." Dr. Stomper and Deductive Logic Man
collided with the unfortunate hero, spilling them all to the ground.
ReFoDis' hand rotated sharply upwards. The crowd outside cheered madly.
"Oh no...." said Ferris.
=============== ===============
Contraption Man eyed a hand-held device that was flashing. "Boss, I
think it's starting. The emergency circuits have tripped."
"Excellennnnn......."
A rip in time suddenly appeared, sucking the two future villains in.
They soared through a halucinaogenic series of tunnels, nearly colliding with
a displaced telephone booth. The booth's occupants stared at Contraption Man
and his robed boss.
"Bogus, Ted. Like we almost creamed these free-floating Evil dudes."
"Supremely untranscendant, Bill. It seems they failed to read the
'Guests leaving their car will be ejected from the park' signs."
Contraption Man and boss zipped around the obstacle. The robed figure
turned and shook his fist. "Insolent youths! I will retcon you into evil
robots!"
"Hey, watch where you're ...."
A large tube of time and space lay across their path. With his back
turned, the robed figure collided with it full force, sending it spinning madly
out of control. Voices could be heard inside saying, "CAW, get your rail gun
out of my G-string!"
"Road Hog," muttered the robed supervillain as they continued their
flight through time.
=============== ===============
Flashes of energy coursed around Net.Ropolis and the world. To those
sensitive to it, the world suddenly seemed much smaller than it had been. The
cozy closeness of the Looniverse expanded impossibly, but what it lost in
security it more than gained in the thrill of expectation.
Underneath the LNHHQ, Ferris, Dr. Stomper and Bad-Timing Boy had no
time to contemplate the change. Other more immediate changes were commanding
their attention. The Universal Anchor overloaded from the strain of trying
to lock the Looniverse into alt.comics.lnh. Sparks flew from its interior.
A large piece of machinery burst into flames and peeled off from the rest.
Other pieces exploded away, driving the trio to the ground for protection.
When the smoke cleared, an evil, spidery looking machine of black metal
stood where the Universal Anchor had been.
"Great Photons!" said Dr. Stomper. "The shock of the RACCelestial move
overloaded the spacial anchoring circuits, exactly reversing the polarity and
tangentially realigning the degrees of freedom. Not only has the Anchor shifted
from a stabilizing role to a destabilizing one, but it has shifted from
spacial effect to....."
A white hot flash spit from the top of the sinister machine. Two
figures stepped out of the flash -- one robed, the other Contraption Man. The
robed figure finished Dr. Stomper's sentence. "To a temporal one Doctor."
Deductive Logic Man stared at the newcomers, but spoke in an aside to
Dr. Stomper. "That was a tremendous display of techno-babble, even for you."
"I work best under pressure."
"Silence! I was going to announce my return in grand supervillian
style. But I frankly expected more of an audience. Instead I will attend to
matters off planet. Contraption Man, finish them." The robed figure dissap-
peared.
Contraption Man sighed. "Alright Stomper. Let's see if you can
name the technology that kills you!"
=============== ===============
High in orbital space no one can hear you scream. Which made the sound
of falling blocks of wood all the more puzzling. Inside Drizztsat, Deja Dude
and the The Drizzt laughed. Continuity Champ turned red with anger, clashing
horribly with his own costume.
"Drizzt, you moved the sattelite."
The Drizzt tried to stop laughing. "No I did not."
"Actually, Champ, I think a RACelestial did. Looks like RACC passed."
The Drizzt broke out the Yoo-Hoo, and he and Deja Dude congratulated each other.
Continuity Champ grumbled to himself, "Two years and no RACC. Now they
decide to pass it in the middle of _my_ turn."
"This calls for a celebration!" said Drizzt.
Outside the satellite, a robed figure suddenly appeared. His eyes
bugged out as he remembered that not only was space really, really cold, it also
had no air. He quickly made some motions with his hands and disappeared again.
Despite his hasty departure, the robed figure accomplished his task.
"What do you have in mind?" asked Deja Dude, blissfully unaware of the
brief watcher outside.
Continuity Champ gave a smug smile and lifted an oblong cardboard box.
"Have you ever heard of Jenga?"
=============== ===============
Contraption Man stood knee-deep in a pile of hastily cobbled and
rejected devices. He appeared to be getting frustrated. "Well then,how about
_this_!" The device looked remotely like a gun, which pointed at Ferris and
Dr. Stomper. They were dodging madly among the machinery in the room.
Dr. Stomper squinted at the weapon, then yelled out, "Ok Ferris, that's
a molecular bond stasis device, working on the principal of inverse transducer
coils that lock bonds in their orbitals. One hit and our electrons freeze in
place, which according to Heisenberg means that with known speed _and_ known
positions we will become inanimate slags of atomic particles."
"Got it Doc. To counter that, we need to isolate his firing. If the
air molecules around him get frozen, they won't transform through respiration
and he'll pass out..." Deductive Logic Man converted words to deeds by
pitching his jacket around the future man's face and gun hand. Contraption Man
fired wildly at them several times as he struggled with the jacket. He was
gasping for air after several shots.
Contraption Man got disgusted and threw his device down onto the pile
of rejected weapons. His hands were a blur and seconds later he had another
device ready.
"Look out Ferris! It's a momentum reverser! A high energy beam of
tachyon anti-matter reverses the momentum equation. His gun literally draws
the motion from us. He'll paralyze us!"
"Ah! Only if we're moving, if not...." Ferris froze just as
Contraption Man fired at him. The tachyon anti-matter reversed his momentum,
sending him flying at high speed along the beam. He crashed into Contraption
Man, knocking him roughly to the ground. Ferris rolled away just in time to
avoid yet another device attack.
"Give it up CM! Dr. Stomper can identify any pseudo-tech device you
craft, and I can Logically counter it. It's a losing battle for you."
"Well maybe I'm just trying too hard then." Contraption Man's hands
were a blur of motion. He pitched a ball of high-tech gunk at them.
"Stomper, what is it?"
"It's a, uh, grenade."
BOOOOOOOOM!
When the rubble cleared, Dr. Stomper and Deductive Logic Man lay
unconscious. Only Bad-Timing Boy and Contraption Man remained standing.
"Guess I better finish the job." CM hopped up onto the spider-machine's
back where the dashboard was still mounted. Cranking it up, the machine flexed
its legs and began a menacing clanking walk to crush the Legionnaires.
Bad-Timing Boy frowned. He hadn't wanted to interfere with Ferris and
Stomper when they were winning, but now he had to do something. As the machine
loomed tall above them, B-T Boy concentrated with all his might. The robed
figure suddenly returned, gasping and shivering.
"Contraption Man, get me out of here! I need to rest for the Final
Retcon of Myk-El!"
"Jeez boss, right now? I'm just about to...."
"Do not question me! Do as I say!"
CM muttered, "Of all the lousy timing." The robed figure climbed
aboard the former Universal Anchor. The machine folded up its legs to a
saucer-like shape. It roared and exploded its way through the LNHHQ walls and
out into Net.Ropolis. Bad-Timing Boy sat down heavily amongst the rubble,
exhausted.
=============== ===============
Ultimate Ninja, Kid Kirby, Occultism Kid and a bandaged Dr. Stomper
conferred after Bad-Timing Boy left. Kid Kirby was speaking. "I have tried
repeatedly to raise the Drizztsat, to no avail. Some type of temporal
distortion is in effect there. I think I need to personally retrieve
Continuity Champ."
The others agreed. "We all heard Bad-Timing Boy's speech. I'm afraid
there's only one man who could be responsible for all this. The TIME CRAPPER
has returned, with Contraption Man in his thrall. Their presence threatens the
entire time-stream, perhaps Continuity itself." Ultimate Ninja grimaced through
his mask as he spoke words obviously distasteful to him.
"We need Continuity Champ."
=============== =============
Renegade Programmer stood in the corner eating a bag of Andy Capp's
Cajun Twinkies. wReamhack was looking cowed and nervous before Multi-Tasking
Man. The co-processing crusader spoke angrily. "So just what the heck _were_
you doing snooping in Sig.Lad's account?"
wReamhack gulped and spoke. "I was hoping to find some X-rated GIF's of
Kopicat."
Renegade Programmer almost choked on his snack. "Geez, if you'd told me
that I'd'a never turned you in!"
Multi-Tasking Man gave him an annoyed glance, finished uploading the
latest roster (with two tasks), scheduled the two computer whizzes for Sexual
Harrassment Training and fixed wReamhack with a steely glare. "Give me one good
reason I shouldn't turn you over to Sig.Roach and be done with it."
wReamhack's eyes widened. "No, wait! I found something in Sig.Lad's
account that you should hear. Do you know how the dvanders knew Myk-El was
innocent? _They exumed his body._"
"So?" mumbled Renegade Programmer. Multi-Tasking Man threw in Diversity
Training for good measure, dashed off thirty FAQ-modifications, reached 10th
level in Heimdall and called up a video from the Drizzt Defense Files. It
clearly showed Myk-El digging his way out of his own grave and becoming the
arch-villain Squalor. The video was date-stamped January 94.
wReamhack voiced their thoughts. "If Myk-El became Squalor.....
WHO IS BURIED IN MYK-EL'S GRAVE?"
=============== ===============
Not the end! Why can't anyone reach the Drizztsat? Who were the the
people in the tube? What are Catalyst Lass and Hooded Ho`'od Win doing? And
how long before Continuity itself begins shredding?!? Find answers to these
questions, and more in
RETCON HOUR
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(>) Sword Master & the Load Island Renegades #11 (<)
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Narcoleptic Dogs Press has no choice and must present...
SWORDMASTER AND THE LOAD ISLAND RENEGADES #11...
"Timeline, Please!"
RETCON HOUR Part Two: If you read Pliable Lad # 21, then you are
cleared to read this. If not, GO READ IT!
You back? Good.
Now onto Swordy and the Boys...in Stereo!
When last we looked in on Swordy, CAW, the Rodent, and Dad, all
four of them were hurtling through space and time in a Time Tunnel
created by the amulet of Entity. Now, as the tunnel arcs towards
Looneyverse Earth, something jars it. Really, really hard.
"WHAT WAS THAT!?" Screamed CAW, apparently under the
impression that he was Capt. Capitalize. "This thing just shook
like an underwire bra on Tom Arnold!"
"I don't know." Said Swordmaster, who was feeling mighty
queasy under the red mask he wears. Quickly he peeled it off,
nausea choking behind his words. "Whatever is happening...is not
good. Nothing good has ever made me feel this sick. The only thing
that ever felt this bad was watching Martin Mull kiss that Des
Barres guy."
"Enough with the ROSEANNE references!" Shrieked the Rodent.
"This Time Tunnel is slamming around like Taco Bell Burritos inside
a spastic colon!" Suddenly, the walls turned blood red. There was
a shearing sound. And a voice none of the LIR had ever heard before
flood the fourth dimension.
"Road Hogs." Before the guys could hear anything else, the
tunnel sheared along the fourth dimension, splitting into hundreds
of tunnels. Most were destroyed immediately, as the writer was
afraid that years from now duplicate Swordy's would pop up. One
sped on to the far future...and stuff that will appear later. The
original tunnel headed off in a new direction. To a place....
...that already happened.
"Whoa, that was horrible." Swordmaster, aka David Divad, was
the first to regain consciousness. The rest of the guys were piled
on top of each other, remarkably similar to something Frazetta
would draw, and were all out cold. David stood up, looking at the
cobalt blue sky, the great expanses of green, the fluffy clouds,
the three huge fanged mouths directly above him, the majestic
volcanoes, the...
"HUGE FANGED MOUTHS!??" Swordy, having read the narration
carefully, popped two broadswords into being and looked up. Yup,
slaver filled maws with row after row of jagged teeth. Attached to
the immense choppers were red and black striped bodies. Carnosaur
bodies, approximately twenty-five feet long and fifteen feet high.
As Swordy, who read a lot as a kid, recognized them, they strode
forward, the ground shaking.
"ALLOSAURS! The most unused dinosaurs of all!" Still upset
that everybody ignores them in favor of the Tyrannosaur, who
doesn't even have moving front claws, the Allosaurs attacked our
spandex-wearing hero. He leapt over them, his superhuman strength
combining with a massive dose of adrenalin and pure terror to send
him spiraling way over their heads. They looked up as he went past,
puzzled. "Where am I jumping TO, anyway?"
Splash. The Tar-Pit was quite warm. Swordy almost considered
allowing it to swallow him, knowing that he'd give the
archaeologists and paleontologists fits, but as the Allosaurs
charged him, his automatic fear of being chewed on snapped into
gear, and with a strength born of panic, mutation, demonic pacts,
and just plain plotline, he yanked his way onto dry land. The tar,
however, was gluing him down. How to escape? The fetid breath of
the Allosaurs washed over him.
"EVER HEARD OF SCOPE?" Boy, that's a lousy epitaph. As Swordy
gave up (There's only so much a guy can do! He's been to HELL,
fought pirates, clowns and Mimes, what more do you heartless
bastards WANT?) a clanking sound filled his heart with hope. The
Allosaurs turned, almost like a motown group, to face a yellow
robot with paint scraped off of spots and dozens of active weapons
systems primed.
"I could handle the disco...I could bear the Alien Talk
Show...I could deal with Two Crossovers in one month...and maybe
I could have gotten through the Demonic Auction...But I draw the
line at TIME TRAVEL! Die like the pre-historic wastes YOU ARE!!!"
CAW released enough projectiles to build a fleet of Buicks, and as
Allosaur guts sprayed over his prone form, Swordy realized two
things:
One. He was not going to die.
Two. Dinosaurs smell even worse on the inside.
* * * * * * * * *
In the Timestream, no one can hear you scream. And nobody
really cares, either. The second Time Tunnel came furrowing to a
stop smack dab in the middle of nowhere. Or is it nowhen?
Four dazed figures staggered out. They were, by all
appearances, Swordmaster, his father, and his Teammates the
Squealing Flying Rodent and CAW. In fact, they were. As were the
poor saps currently being menaced in the Mesozoic era. Thus time
travel can screw up continuity, by creating DIVERGENT TIMELINES!
Which is just what the Crapper ordered.
"Hehuhahhehuhahueh." The low chuckling came from the cowled
face of the Crapper, who, as those of you who read it no doubt
remember, has been an ambulatory pile of nasty smelling caca ever
since Cry.Sig. The Time Crapper leaned back in his throne and
smiled. "So, my previous self has made his gambit to unravel time.
Well, I shall profit from my mistakes! Here, in my Citadel at the
Nearly-End of Time, I will use this chronal mishap to my benefit.
These duplicates will wreak havoc upon time by allowing the
unallowable...for Swordmaster and his men to be IN TWO PLACES AT
ONCE! I'm so vile I make Jackson Browne seem benevolent!" Standing
dramatically (And getting a little of himself all over the place)
the Crapper walked over to a device. "Now, to control my
Pawns...and RULE EVERYTHING THAT EVER WAS!"
The device had more convolutions than a MacFarlane plotline,
and made less sense. It was clearly Kirbian, yet had appendages
that seemed alien to that tech style, and bristled as the Crapper
approached. He gestured, and vanished from his citadel in a flash
of mauve light that stings my eyes even just typing about it.
Standing on the blasted plains of nearly-the-end-of-time Earth
gave the four heroic doppelgangers pause. Swordy (I'm just gonna
refer to them as if they are the real thing, okay? For all intents
and purposes, they _ARE_, so cut me some slack.) supported his
father, who was too weak to stand. CAW was scanning with one of his
many sensor suites. The Rodent was barfing his guts out.
"Well, now I know I'm not just allergic to teleportation, but
Time Travel, too."
"Joel?"
"Yes, CAW?"
"There's a really big blip coming our way, and I doubt it's
friendly...mainly because it's not slowing down any and is about
to impact right here."
"CAW?"
"Yeah, Joel?"
"GET DOWN!" Swordy leapt for cover, dragging his father with
him, and Rodent quickly followed. CAW stood there. "Now what good
is me engaging my memory record of K-TEL's greatest dance hits
going to...ooh, _now_ I get it. He meant I should...DUCK!" CAW
activated his rocket propulsion system just as the energy wave
slammed into where he had been standing. The shockwave slammed him
end over end, and he came crashing down in a heap worse that the
remains of Valerie Bertinelli's career after Cafe' Americain. As
he began re-booting his systems and humming the theme song to
"Gamera Vs. Guiron", Swordy stood up from the rubble he and Rodent
were crouched behind, facing the Time Crapper.
"Hello, Mortal Fools. Behold the power of...The TIME CRAPPER!"
"MUrrghlaghs." Swordmaster had his hand over his nose and
mouth, which were under Spandex anyway. The Rodent had upended his
bag o' Useless stuff and was wearing it over his head, breathing
through the fabric.
"What? I can't understand you. Take your hand away from your
mouth."
"NOT GONNA HAPPEN! NO WAY! I'D RATHER GO TO A WES CRAVEN FILM
FESTIVAL THAT FEATURED SHOCKER AND THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS!"
Swordmaster was beginning to turn green under his mask, and the
Rodent was laying on his belly, hoping that the smell of poo rises
the way smoke does, but he was disappointed. CAW finally arose,
rebooted. Within a few seconds, he even managed to get his nasal
sensors off line, and he only had to use a rock to do it, too.
"Are you implying something. human?"
"Implying? Oh, no. In order to imply something, it would have
to be something less obvious than the fact that...well, how do I
say this gently...you do offend.?"
"Pardon?"
"What he's trying to say is, you smell bad. Very, very bad.
Extremely bad. Worse that Heaven's Gate in letterbox format. Worse
that any Ann Rice book after the second Vampire Lestat one,
especially the Mummy. Worse that a Sewage Treatment Plant at low
tide. Worse that any film with Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty in
it, or any film with Al Pacino and Warren Beatty, or Annette
Benning and Warren Beatty...or just any film with Warren Beatty.
Worse that discussing Russian vs. French Lit with the Digressor.
You really REEK." The Rodent, still lying prone and trying to
breathe through a rock, looked and sounded rather silly, but he did
make the proper point. The Crapper looked offended.
"What makes you say that?"
"It's because you're made of sh.."
"CAW! NO! THE CHILDREN!"
"Oops. I mean, Crap. You're made of Crap." The Crapper seemed
chagrined. All this time spent alone had inured him to his odor,
and now he had that sheepish feeling he usually reserved for
conquering the universe.
"NEVER MIND MY SMELL!"
"That, my friend, is one tall order." Swordmaster felt his
eyes watering. "I don't think I can do that."
"Soon, you won't be ABLE to mind it. Feel the power of...The
PLOTICON!" The device, all the way back in the Crapper's Citadel,
emitted a ray of scalding white light (Note: Yes, I KNOW light
can't scald. It's just a metaphor, okay? SHEEESH.) that flooded
over the three heroes, totally missing the prone form of dad (Pay
Attention--There'll be a quiz later.) The three froze in place as
the light transfixed them.
"Now repeat after me. T-I-M..."
"T-I-M.."
"E-C-R..."
"E-C-R..."
"A-P-P-E-R!"
"A-P-P-E-R!"
"He's the leader of this plot, he's evil to the core, T I M
E C R A P P E R!" And as theme to the Timeketeers played on, the
Ploticon rubbed a thick warm Irish Spring scent onto the minds of
our Divergent Heroes. Could they resist? Well, in all honesty,
normally, yes. But I NEED them to fall for this so I can send them
after the LNH, so they fell under the Crapper's sway.
"Now, I will unleash my OWN Net.Heroes upon the only ones
capable of halting my plans...THE LNH!
HEHEHEHHEHEHHAHAHAHHHUHUHUH...what was I laughing about again?"
* * * * * * * * *
Meanwhile (No, actually, Billions of years earlier, but you
know what I mean.) The Original LIR were getting their bearings.
Swordy had leapt into the first stream he could find to get the
Allosaur bits off of him, but as they were stuck in the tar that
had coated his suit, he had ended up peeling it off and throwing
it into the tar-pit. Let them figure THAT out. Now, wearing the
original costume his father had gotten for him back in Issue #1,
riding up problems and all, he was sitting on a large rock, flanked
by the others and praying for a meteor strike.
"So, we are apparently stuck in the Jurassic period. Some Two-
Hundred Million years in the past, with no way to get home and no
idea if we can eat anything here?"
"It's worse than that, Joel."
"How is that POSSIBLE, CAW?"
"Well, besides us being stranded, I've noticed a strange
energy build up on all of us. It's been steadily growing since we
got here, and it's even larger, now. I don't know what it is,
but..."
Picture the biggest explosion you've ever seen. Wow, pretty
big, huh? Just goes on and on and on...where was I? Oh yeah, well
that wasn't what happened to our heroes. Instead, one second they
were in a Mesozoic jungle, and the next, they were on a sandy beach
next to a cliff. On that cliff was a walled city, and on that
beach, were a lot of guys in primitive armor using spears and
swords to cut each other up.
"...it seems to be building to critical mass. IT'S YOUR KIDS,
MARTY! SOMETHINGS GOTTA BE DONE ABOUT YOUR KIDS!"
"CAW, could you translate what you just said for the movie
impaired?" The Rodent looked more puzzled than he did when they
tried to explain the plot of Highlander Two to him.
"Time Travel." Swordmaster pulled his mask on. "We've built
up some sort of time-charge. Kind of like magnetic flow, where like
repels, but in reverse. We're not charged properly to stay in these
times, and so that force CAW was talking about builds up and Vomits
us forward in time." A gigantic blue greatsword flared into life.
"CAW, will the next jump take us home?"
"I doubt it, Great and Powerful OZ. That was a huge jump, and
temporally speaking, we are a lot closer to our own time now. The
next jump will be many times smaller, as will the next one after
that, if they even happen. By the way, DISGUSTING metaphor, boss-
man." But Swordmaster had already leapt into the fray, slashing
wildly at the various armored men, kicking and swinging, and soon
both sides were fleeing from him. One man remained from each side,
and both turned to face him.
<I am Hektor, the Dardan, from Ilium. Whoever you be, warrior
in black, be you spawn of the Thunderer or tool of Hades, I will
stand against you.>
<And I am Achilleos, from Achean lands over the waters,
chieftan and King. Can I do less than stand against you?>
"I have no idea what that monkey babble means, but if we're
gonna brawl, then let's GET on with it." Swordmaster swung, and
cleaved through Hektor's shield, but Achillieos hurled his spear,
forcing Swordmaster to drop to his back. Hekto growled in triumph
as he thrust his spear down, his black hair hanging from his helmet
in the exertion, but Swordmaster was no longer there. He rolled
onto his feet in time to parry a strike from Achilleos' sword, and
then a kick to the armored head sent the Greek back, staggered.
The mystical invulnerability provided by his mother, Themis,
had kept Swordmaster from tearing his head off, but he was wary of
him now. Circling, he looked for an opening, and saw Hektor attempt
to parry a stroke with his spear. The polished wood shattered, and
the Trojan was driven back. Swordmaster laughed under his mask.
"That the best you can do?" As Hektor too drew his short
blade, Swordmaster decided to make it a fair fight, and with a
flourish his blade disappeared. Hektor and Achilleos shouted and
charged, sure that triumph was at hand. How they ended up thirty
yards away on their backs was a mystery to them, as was the
location of their swords, until they looked up and saw the stranger
whirling them about.
"Man, the olden days produce some wimpy fighters"
"Well, you are a net.hero. Hardly a fair fight."
"Stay outta this, Rodent." Swordmaster surveyed the
battlefield. Apparently the two warriors had gone off to re-think
the situation. Hey, maybe I stopped the war! Would that be a good
thing, or would it screw up the future?
"YES, IT WOULD, WERE I TO PERMIT IT!" Looking up, Swordmaster
could have sworn he'd heard that voice before. And so he had.
Floating above him in black and red armor was the familiar form
of...MARZ!
"Well, if it isn't my favorite deity of inane plot twists?
What brings you here, Marz old boy?"
"I actually belong here. You, on the other hand, have
interfered in the plotline I had set up. Achilleos has been humbled
prematurely, before years of war and suffering can result. I must
fix this."
"You mean...YOU made the Iliad so pointless? It's YOUR fault
that Achilleos sulks in his tent like a five year old for most of
the poem?"
"Yup. And now, I will amend this error. But first, I'll just
send you on your way by adding to the time-surge building in your
tissues..LIKE SO!" With another faint flickering, the team were
gone, and Marz turned to the encampment. "I think I'll add a slave
girl named Brieseis for them to fight over...."
* * * * * * * * *
The problem with interrupting the final story arc of a series
to enter a big crossover like this is...DANGLING PLOT THREADS!
Like, just as a for instance, the fact that the Rollerblader, Whip,
and Warbabe are currently chained to eldrich stakes in the basement
of a house run by vampires, where the evil Ida and her newest
undead boy toy, the Digressor, formerly of the LIR, plot new
deviltry. Let's look in on our corpse-white duo, shall we?
"According to this Magic 8-Ball, the whole world is in grave
peril, my love. A perfect time to usurp power like the greedy
vampire I happen to be." Ida swung her long hair out of the way,
slapping a minion into the wall with the backlash. "Now, if I were
the RACCelestial Madonna, then who could stand against me?"
"The RACCelestials, Kid Kirby, the Dvandom Strangers,
Da'Jaconar, James Brown,..."
"Digressor, my sweet?"
"Yes, dark mistress?"
"That was a rhetorical question." Ida stood and walked to her
hall closet and pulled out a red cloak. "With this Riding Hood of
Purity on, no one will suspect that I am a blood drinking beast of
the night."
"At the worst, they'll think you used to double major in pre-
law and accounting." The Digressor stood as well, his recently
undead body still creaking. "I must go and read the collected works
of Edith Wharton, so I may break the will of those below us."
"Excellent. Soon, we shall rule...well, okay, this sounds
cliche', but...THE WORLD!" They both began to laugh in that way
that evil people do. For some reason they always seem to find their
evil plans to be so damn funny, don't they? Well, while they
chuckle and titter their evil hearts content, let's cut away to...
* * * * * * * * *
...the space-time continuum, backstage. The members of the LIR
who are _not_ being brainwashed by the infamous Crapper plummeted
(Hey, is Plummet going to be in this? Naah, I guess not.) through
streams of time, which is really cold and murky when you bounce
through it. A window back to reality opened, and the temporal white
water spit the team out...onto dry, hot sand.
"Oooh, man, I hate this time travel stuff." The Rodent was
getting that funny feeling in his tummy again. Stuff like time
travel and teleportation plays hell on a man's digestion. Luckily,
he'd already emptied his stomach on the two previous jumps, and
only had to endure the dry heaves now.
"Maybe Michael Pare is going to come save us." Said CAW.
"NEVER reference The Philadelphia Experiment again! It was a
HORRIBLE film! It made my eyes bleed!" Swordmaster was beginning
to get a mite irritable. First of all, his spandex was yet again
riding up on him. When you factor in the time travel and the fact
that he had an odd feeling that something bad was about to happen,
his temper was understandable. "I guess we're on the beach. The
roar of the surf sounds funny, though."
"Uh, son?"
"Yes, dad?"
"That's not surf." The four of them looked up...at the massive
crowd wearing togas and chanting in latin. Except for the latin,
it was remarkably similar to the crowd at a professional wrestling
match. At the far end of the coliseum were huge iron and wood
gates, which were slowly opening.
"What are the odds that those gates are going to open, and
naked roman dancing girls are going to come out?" The Rodent was
as depressed as he'd ever been, which is pretty depressed.
"About as good as the chances of a Film Ventures International
movie being _good_ for once. Joel?" CAW was making clicking sounds
as he cycled his weapon systems.
"Let me guess...we've been time traveling...and we are about
to be mauled to death...You're out of ammo, aren't you, CAW?"
"You know it, o Spandexed one. I still have my cutting laser,
but.." CAW left that thought unuttered as the gates finally opened,
and as any good student of gladiator films could have told you, a
gaggle of lions came barreling out. (For the naturalists out there:
A gaggle of lions is more than five and less than fifteen. In this
case, it's twelve.)
"Well, I fail to see how this can get any _worse_, anyway."
NEXT ISSUE: IT GETS WORSE! MORE TIME TRAVEL! MORE TIME CRAPPER!
MORE RETCON HOUR! ALL THIS AND PAMELA ANDERSON AS JOAN OF ARC!
RRRROWRL!
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#7 -- Retcon Me
On the fourth floor of Legion Headquarters, amongst the living quarters:
Domestic Lad approached a door at the end of the hall and then proceeded
to sort through one of his pockets. He turned to his companions, namely
Pizza Girl and Bizarre Boy as well as a third person, a man noticably
older than the other two, gave them a reassuring smile and then produced
what he had apparently been looking for: a key. Sure enough, this was
the key that openned the door. He led them in.
"If you should need anything, Mr. Contini, feel free to ask," he told
the non-Legionaire amongst them.
Mr. Contini took a look around the room. "Why this room is absolutely
spotless!"
Domestic Lad smiled. "I wish I could take credit for this," he said
as he handed Mr. Contini the key to the room, "but this is actually the
work of Captain Cleanup and his sidekick Squeaky Clean: they made a
point of coming in here to dust and vacuum this morning."
Mr. Contini took the key. "Tell them I appreciate it." He laughed.
"You know, you Legionaires could compete with the finest hotels when it
comes to service!"
Pizza Girl laughed. "That may be, Uncle, but the finest hotels aren't
under constant threat of attack from supervillains."
"Not that we expect a supervillain attack during your stay," Domestic
Lad said reassuringly.
Mr. Contini smiled and shook his head. "Lad, I've known Aili all my
life and I know when she's joking with me."
Bizarre Boy spoke up. "Where do you want your bags, Sir?"
"Just put them anywhere," Mr. Contini replied. "I plan to take a rest
and unpack later."
"Alright, Sir."
Mr. Contini grimaced. "Please... I'd prefer to be called 'Mr. Morava'
or even 'Vincent', OK?"
"Sure thing... Mr. Contini," Bizarre Boy said quickly.
Vincent turned to face his niece. "Aili, I'm going to take a rest for
about an hour and then you can show me around. OK?"
Pizza Girl hugged her uncle. "Have a good nap."
"I will." He waved to them as they left. Domestic Lad went to his
room.
Bizarre Boy sighed. "So, do you think I made a good impression on
your Uncle?"
Pizza Girl smiled. "Uncle Vinnie always sees the best in everybody."
She laughed. "I suppose the worst that could happen is that he wouldn't
even remember you."
RRRUUUMMMBBBLLLEEE!!!
Bizarre Boy used his various powers to maintain his own balance but
then noticed Pizza Girl hurtling towards the wall. He tried to reach
for her but her momentum was too great; he had to settle for trying to
cushion her impact.
"Ow!"
"Are you alright?" he asked, lifting her to her feet.
"Yes, I'm fine; thank you. What was that?"
Bizarre Boy shrugged his shoulders. "An earthquake?"
"In Net.ropolis?" She looked down and noticed Bizarre Boy's hand
on her abdomen. "Do you mind?"
Bizarre Boy retracted his hand and blushed. "Sorry."
Meanwhile...
The sub-sub-basement of Legion Headquarters is so far underground that
Multi-Tasking Man took the liberty of transmatting Ultimate Ninja, Kid
Kirby and Occultism Kid directly to the source of the disturbance. Even
so, despite Multi-Tasking Man's ability to enter the co-ordinates of the
second transmat while simulataneously completing the first three, the
three Legionaires found themselves facing no villain but rather a smoke
filled room with three seemingly unconscious Legionaires (Deductive
Logic Man, Doctor Stomper and Bad-Timing Boy) lying amongst the rubble
and twisted machinary.
"Uhhh..."
Ultimate Ninja gracefully made his way over to Bad-Timing Boy. "What
happenned?"
"I'm not sure," he said, trying to gather his thoughts, "Doctor
Stomper said something about the 'spacial anchoring' something-or-other
being 'overloaded' during our move to rec.arts.comics.creative... and
something about 'polarity' getting 'reversed' and the 'degrees of
freedom' getting... 'realigned'... and, oh yeah, something about
'temporal destabilization'."
"Ye Gods!" swore Kid Kirby.
"By Cthulhu!" swore Occultism Kid.
"Sounds like technobabble to me," muttered Ultimate Ninja
disapprovingly.
"Then two figures appeared: one was Contraption Man; he's the one who
bombed the place."
"And the other?"
"I'm not sure: he was wearing a robe with a hood over his head."
Bad-Timing Boy curled up his nose. "He sure did smell bad though."
Ultimate Ninja's eyes widenned. "THE TIME CRAPPER!"
Soon...
Pizza Girl knocked on the door to her Uncle's room. "Uncle Vincent?"
There was no answer. On a whim, she tried the door: it was unlocked.
She pushed the door open and poked her head in. "Uncle?" She didn't
see him, she didn't see his bags... and the room was dusty.
After pulling the door closed, she made his way to Domestic Lad's
room and knocked on the door. She was startled by how quickly he
replied.
"Yes?"
"I went to check on my uncle but he's not there?"
Domestic Lad frowned. "Who?"
"My..." Pizza Girl was flabbergasted. "Don't you remember?"
"Remember what?"
Pizza Girl let out a deep sigh. "My uncle! We've been planning his
visit for a week! He arrived this morning! We showed him the room that
_you_ had set aside for him!"
Domestic Lad shook his head. "You must have me confused with someone
else."
"_I_'m confused?!"
Domestic Lad reached out his hands and tried to calm her down. "Don't
worry, there're more than a hundred Legionaires and rooms for a dozen
more." He smiled. "You haven't been with us for long: it takes a while
to get used to the sheer enormity of the place. We'll go speak with
Multi-Tasking Man: he's bound to know about your uncle."
Meanwhile...
BOOOMMMMMM!!!
Kid Kirby smiled with satisfaction: when Multi-Tasking Man told him
that he wasn't able to transmat him to the Drizztsat, he doubted whether
or not he'd be able to cut through the temporal distortion using a
boom tube but it seemed he had been successful. He enterred the tube
and reappeared...
on the Drizztsat.
BOOOMMMMMM!!!
The Drizzt, Deja Dude and Continuity Champ all looked up from their
game of Jenga.
"Kid Kirby? What brings you here?" The Drizzt asked.
Kid Kirby was about to tell them about the threat of the Time Crapper
but found himself unable to think straight. "I'm not sure."
Deja Dude nodded. "Just as I thought: even cosmic beings need to rest
every once in a while."
"Do you want to join our game?" Continuity Champ asked.
Kid Kirby shook his head. "Jenga is not a game worthy of a Kirbian."
"What _is_ then?" Deja Dude asked.
Kid Kirby produced a deck of oblong-shaped cards. "Ever heard of
Deckmaster?"
Meanwhile, in the monitoring room:
"There are no records whatsoever of a Vincent Contini," Multi-Tasking
Man announced.
"WHAT?!!!"
"Are you sure you've got the name right?"
Pizza Girl sighed impatiently. "I've only known him all my life!"
Multi-Tasking Man shrugged his shoulders. "Well, I've checked
hospital records, school records, government records... it's as if
he doesn't even exist."
"How can that be?!" Pizza Girl asked, exasperated.
"I don't know." Multi-Tasking Man grimaced. "Anyway, if you don't
mind: we're apparently under attack by the Time Crapper."
Pizza Girl nodded. "No problem; I understand: this is something I'm
going to have to look into myself."
Soon, in the cafeteria, Pizza Girl has assembled Bizarre Boy, Bad-Timing
Boy, Continuity Champ Junior and Insomnia Boy.
"Where are the others?" she asked.
"What others?" Bizarre Boy asked.
"Squeaky Clean, Typo Lad and Echo Lad."
"WHO?!" Bad-Timing Boy asked.
"Echo Lad never joined our class," Continuity Champ told her. "He
would have but he didn't have time, what with him being Pliable Lad's
sidekick."
"Since when?" Pizza Girl asked.
Continuity Champ sighed. "Well, granted he isn't going to be his
sidekick anymore, what with Pliable Lad having turned evil [See Pliable
Lad #19-22 --MFP]."
This was getting to be too much for her. "OK, what about Squeaky
Clean and Typo Lad?"
"I'm afraid I've never heard of either of them," Bizarre Boy said
with obvious sincerity.
"But they're our friends! You can't just forget them!" she insisted.
"Look, Squeaky Clean is Captain Cleanup's sidekick and Typo Lad was
Rebel Yell's sidekick."
"What kind of name is 'Captain Cleanup'?" Bad-Timing Boy asked,
laughing.
"Ah!" exclaimed Insomnia Boy. "You're thinking of List Lad."
Pizza Girl shook her head. "No, I'm thinking of Typo Lad."
"On the contrary," Insomnia Boy argued, "List Lad has been Rebel
Yell's sidekick since _The Long Road to Nowhere_."
Pizza Girl snapped her fingers. "Ahha! Follow me!" Pizza Girl
led her four teammates to the small library adjoining the cafeteria:
there she located the bookshelf filled with the volumes describing
LNH History. She located the volume containing _The Long Road to
Nowhere_, took it down and proceeded to look through it.
"Here you go: the story features Rebel Yell and... List Lad?"
"As I told you."
Pizza Girl slammed the book shut. "Oh, shut up!" She replaced the
book on the shelf.
"Aili!" Bizarre Boy exclaimed.
"This is all natural to you, isn't it?"
"This is how things _are_," Continuity Champ told her.
"Right." Pizza Girl grimaced. "So tell me, if we're supposed to be
a Generation X parody how come there's only five of us?"
"'Generation X'?" Continuity Champ Junior asked. "That's not even
out yet."
"I've always thought of us as being more of a parody of the original
X-Men," Insomnia Boy mused. "After all, there is a fairly good
one-to-one correspondence between ourselves and the members of that
group."
"Yeah," Bad-Timing Boy concurred. "Why do you think we're called the
Y-Men, anyway?"
"NO!!!" After a moment of fury, Pizza Girl regained her composure.
"Look, this must have something to do with the Time Crapper: he must
be upsetting continuity... either that or I'm going mad."
Continuity Champ Junior allowed himself to be moved by Pizza Girl's
distress. He took her by the shoulders. "If that's true, then it'd my
job as the Legion's guardian of continuity in Continuity Champ's place
to see to it that he's stopped and everything is put back the way it
should."
Pizza Girl breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank you!" She hugged
him.
Meanwhile, Bizarre Boy found himself having trouble putting things in
their proper perspective. _What's he doing?_ he thought. _Aili is MY
girlfriend!_ He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists.
NEXT: Parallels
--
Jeff J McCoskey |M| "Preservatives might be preservin' you all:
DoD# 750A2 |c| I think that's somethin' you mighta missed."
jjmcc at ix.netcom.com |Q| -- Jefferson Airplane
>>your Ad here! low $$, commensurate visibility<<
==========
Next Week: RETCON HOUR Beta!!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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