LNH: Another LNH Title? Really? #6 -- 'Let's get Pragmatical!'

[Drew Perron]

On 4/29/2016 2:13 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> [Cover:  A gigantic monstrosity pulls superbeings out of a gigantic
> Iron Crown while batting helicopters into skyscrapers.  Pulls-Paper-
> Out-of-Hats Lad desperately tries to find a miracle in his own hat.
> Bold text at the bottom of the page: "Introducing ** Only-Does-Good-
> Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass (But will probably shorten her name to
> Pragmatic-Reasons Lass for Pragmatic Reasons)!!!! **"

I love this issue so much. :D It's like, a perfect parody of 
post-Warren-Ellis-Authority comics.

> We're calling this being, Pulls-Superpowered-
> Beings-Who-Have-the-Power-to-Pull-Stuff-Out-of-Their-Headwear-Out-of-a-
> Gigantic Crown Guy."  Fearless Leader paused and took a deep breath.
> Why did he let Kid Always-Gives-Incredibly-Long-Names-to-Super-Villains
> name this guy?

Are they related to Horrible Name Lad too?

> "It's not like I'm in some sort of club
> with these guys.  I mean I dated Pulls-Scissors-Out-of-Her-Beret Lady
> for a bit till she dumped me for Pulls-Rocks-Out-of-his-Derby Man --
> but that's about it.

Heeheehee.

>    Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass focused her gaze on
> the Flight.Thingees windshield as she gripped the flight controls
> tightly.  "I have to power to convince people the most pragmatic course
> of action assuming they're reasonable enough to bother and listen to
> me."
>    "That -- that's not a super power.  That's -- oh Jesus, this is how
> I'm going to die.  This is the day I die!  Oh, god."

*cackles fiendishly*

> "Okay.  A list of good ideas to stop this
> thing..."  He looked at the list.  "Okay, let's see here.  Number One -
> - Team up with the Ultimate Ninja.  Number Two -- Team up with Kid
> Kirby.."  He looked at the rest of the list with a scowl on his face
> and then crumpled it up.

*snerkgiggle*

> "Yeah.  After you've taken over -- you're still going to have to
> constantly fight and battle all these rebels and so on that just refuse
> to kneel down to you.  And it's just going to go on and on.  You won't
> be able to trust anyone -- they'll all be potential assassins just
> waiting for that one moment of weakness you have so that they can end
> you once and for all.  You're always going to have to keep one eye open
> when you sleep.  And when you're awake you're going to have to deal
> with all these people that really hate and blame you for their lives
> sucking.  Yeah.  And they're going to say mean things about you behind
> your back.  Really mean things.  And did I mention the ulcer you're
> going to get?  It's going to be one massive ulcer till the end of time.
> Uhuh."

Somewhere, Tyrannus Auron is nodding in agreement and he doesn't even know why.

> "I don't blame you.  But that's what's going to happen.  No.  You don't
> want to do this.  You should do what I did.  Become a member of the
> LNH."

This is where it goes from "reasonable but unoriginal criticism" to *amazing*. 
:D :D :D

> "Yeah.  Look.  I'm like you.  I don't care about saving the world or
> whatever.  Honestly, I don't really care if most of the people in the
> world live or die," said Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons
> Lass with a slight shrug.  "I'm an LNH'r for the paycheck and the
> benefits.  And because it's a more pragmatic choice than becoming a
> villain or world conqueror.

Terrible and yet also kinda great?

> "Relax.  We've got tons of murderers in the LNH.  I don't think there
> are any rules that prevent murderers from being LNH members.  And
> regardless, we've got plenty of people with retcon abilities that can
> totally retcon away any killing you've done today.

I mean. That's an unqualified good, r-right >->;;;

> "Cool!" said Gigantic Crown Guy.  "Will I have to work mornings?  I'm
> not really a morning person."
>
> "You can set your own schedule that works for you.

Honestly, *I* want to join the LNH now.

> I didn't really want to be ruler of the world.  I just wanted
> a steady paycheck.  That's all I really wanted.  Just a steady
> paycheck."

The true villain in this story is economic inequality!

> "Well, umm -- Guess that
> all worked out.  But you know next time -- umm -- maybe you should not
> -- umm..."
>
> "Hmm?  You're still here?  Really?" she said still not bothering to
> lift her gaze from her calculator.

That's a great end bit. XD

> This was my first attempt at writing a story for Drew Perron's monthly
> LNH Comics Present thing, but it turned out to be way to long for that.

*nods* Still really good, tho. <3 (And again, I'd be interested in tweaking the 
restrictions, if you wanted.)

> Pragmatic-Reasons Lass is what I'd think if you were a really smart
> villain in the Looniverse you would do -- since you can't beat the LNH,
> you might as well join them and collect a nice paycheck.

It's true. Of course, who knows what that would do to standards for membership...

Drew "pragmasplosion" Perron