LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #4: The Three Day Lull Part 4

Drew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Thu Mar 31 00:00:18 PDT 2016

On 2/9/2016 6:32 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:

> He was also a little hazy; must have been the writer in charge
> at the time.  Tsar Chasm made a mental note to beat the man to a bloody PULP
> when he found the opportunity.


> (There was a chalkboard stating today's special was 'Blue Lagoon Cheesecake'
>   Tsar Chasm was hoping that it meant they were actually made today...)


> He found a fork and sat down to eat.  He took his first bite.  His head was
> spinning.  This was no ordinary cheesecake!  Somehow it started a chemical
> reaction that caused Tsar Chasm to feel...happy.  He looked into his
> cheesecake and smiled at it.  He began to poke it with his fork.

Cheesecake-Eater Lad are you *drugging people*

> Then his mood changed again, but this time Tsar Chasm realized something.
> There wasn't anything in the cheesecake, happy and helpful were emotions
> that he already had, he just hadn't used them much before.

Ohhhhh. ...okay but.

>          Up in his room, Pliable Lad was in the middle of reading _Castle
> Spellbound_ by John DeChancie when he became rather hungry.

Real ref or parody, I wonder? Luckily, I'm too lazy to look it up!

>          "We are off to find Tsar Chasm!", Sig.lock Holmes told Pli.  "He
> is somewhere in this very building!  Come, the game is afoot!"

Pli could turn into a foot if he wanted.

>          After Pli was out of earshot, Constellation asked Sig.Lad "Who was
> that?"
>          "Oh, that was Pliable Lad.", Sig.Lad said.  "He joined shortly af-
> ter Integrity Quest.  His series is on its fifth issue."
>          "Ah.  Right."

*Jeez* this is early.

>          "May I make a reading suggestion?", Tsar Chasm asked.
>          "Sure.", Pli said.
>          "Try Asimov's _Foundation_ series.  It's quite definitely one of the
> best."

Ehhhhh, I find the themes philosophically unsatisfying and the characterization 
flat. u.u Take *that* someone from over twenty years ago

>          "I sure will!", Pli said enthusiastically.  "In fact, I think I'll
> head out to the bookstore now."  He downed the cheeseburger in one bite,
> stood up, and picked up the fries and soda.  "Hey, it's been nice talking to
> you.  You're certainly more friendly than Dr. Armaggeddon was!"

...maybe try to arrest him, or...

>          Kid Chivalry plinked down the halls, leaving a shimmering trail of
> faint outlines of himself every twenty feet.  Eventually, he made it to the
> cafeteria, where he "plunked" onto a table, swords drawn, and screamed, "TSAR
> CHASM!!  Show yourself!!"

There we go.

>          "Formalwear when fighting a higher class of scum, Chasm.  Drop your
> fork," KC hissed through clenched teeth.  <All right!  My first real villian!>
> he thought to himself excitedly.

Oh god, he's adorable.

>          Tsar Chasm felt himself dropping the fork onto the table.  He took
> note of the nifty glowing bubbles of light around his head and realised that
> KC's persuation powers were taking effect on him.

Man, did *everyone* have psychic powers back then? I guess that's what happens 
when most characters are based on personality traits.

>          Pliable Lad wrapped his flexible body around KC's hurtling form,
> stopping him in mid-leap.  "KC!  As I was saying, Tsar Chasm isn't here as
> a villian!  He's sort of visiting."  He deposited KC on the floor.
>          "What?  How can a villian be visiting LNHQ?  Isn't there some sort
> of rule about that?"
>          "Not really, no...

As my first Core LNH story will show, that's still true.

>          "Thank you for your vote of support, Pliable Lad," put in Tsar Chasm.
> "And I must add, that was...exhilarating, Kid Chivalry.  I'd offer to do it
> with you again sometime, but I'd ask you to leave the swords elsewhere.  They
> can be...distracting."

D'awwwww. <3 Friendship!

>      From: sl859 at cc.usu.edu (Raymond Bingham)

Ah, wReam style!

>          "Really?  Did you honestly think that Ultimate Ninja would leave a
> terminal unattended?  Each one of those keys has been coated with a special
> contact poison.  The kind that absorbs through gloves!"
>          Tsar gasped, and raised his hands to his face.
>          "You aren't as smart as you thought you were!  You know even if it
> wasn't poison that seeped through the gloves, you constantly are running those
> fingers through your hair!

I mean, that *is* clever.

>          "Why you !?!"  Tsar raised his arms defiantly, preparing to crush
> wReamhack in an instant.

I don't think he can do that, but

   Suddenly Tsar's arms dropped to the ground, and a
> flash of steel preceeded a shower of blood!  Tsar screamed in agony, and
> yelled into his comlink.  "WEBSTOOOORR!  Arrrg!"
>          Meanwhile on the teleporter end Webstor was busy reintegrating the
> parts of Tsar Chasm.  He pounded on the keyboard and Tsar reappeared whole
> again.

That *is* an implication of how teleporters work.

>          "Oh I believe you... Forget I ever asked."  wReamhack said convinced.
> Ultimate Ninja retired to hunt a certain invisible menace.  wReamhack sat at
> the console baffled.  Something was not right, something was not Ultimate
> Ninja... Something is really really out of place.

Dun dun dunnn... is this a tie-in to that evil twin Ultimate Ninja storyline? So 
many evil twins in this era.

>          He wandered over to his terminal and logged in to see if he'd had any
> mail messages.  He scanned through the list of headers.  Ori, Sarc, Ori, Ori,
> Tsar Chasm, another from Ori, Modern Cargo magazine. Nothing seemed unusual.
> He was about to read Ori's messages when the third named registered.
>          "No no no no no no.  I DO NOT want to deal with this now!" he said
> exasperated.  He grudgingly read the message.


>          The computer signalled with its Binary Electronic/Ergonomic Programmed
> E-mail Response unit. Another message had come over the B.E.E.P.E.R.


>          "From what I have gathered, Tsar Chasm was wondering around in a white
> t-shirt with an aquatic mammal featured, and black shorts."
>          "The guy I fought was in costume."
>          "Wait, did you say he yelled 'Webs Tor' into his communicator?"
>          "Yeah, I'm pretty sure.  Why?"
>          "I don't think you fought Tsar Chasm, at least not the original."


> Tsar Chasm was hit by all of his responsibility returning at once.  So he
> called in Webster as the Defroster, which is the only way to explain the
> speed at which UN's office thawed.  When he was finished, wReamhack
> startled him.  To be more imposing, Webster shape-shifts into Tsar Chasm
> and confronts him, only he forgot that Tsar Chasm wasn't in his costume.
> Before he can do anything to wReamhack, Ultimate Ninja comes in and
> cuts off his arms.  Unable to switch to Teleporter since his arms were
> cut off, he yells for Webs Tor to pull him back.  And that-"
>          Dr. Stomper is cut off as a certain grey-clad ninja picks him and
> quickly deposits him head-first into the nearest garbage receptacle.
>          "You were saying?" asked Ultimate Ninja.
>          "Or maybe it was Tsar Chasm after he went home, changed and came
> back," came the strangely echoing voice from inside the can.

Heeheehee. <3 That's good.

> PS You got me.  I'll have to reconsider my goals even more.
> Below was a graphic of a ninja outfit stuffed with straw.

And an actual wrapping-up. Very good. <3

Drew "hard to make sure that happens" Perron

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