LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #9: Looniverse Adrift! Part Four
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Wed Mar 16 18:30:38 PDT 2016
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the Fourth and Final Part of Ken Schmidt's and Joltin' Jeff McCoskey's
Looniverse Adrift Crossover, which ran in LNH Comic Presents and
LNH Triple Play. Also writing bits by Dave Van Domelen and Martin Phipps.
This fourth part contains LNH Triple Play #2 and
LNH Comics Presents #20.
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #9
=====================
Looniverse Adrift! Part Four
=====================
From: jmccoske at sedona.intel.com (Jeff McCoskey~)
Newsgroups: alt.comics.lnh
Subject: LNH Triple Play #2 [1/2] -- A Looniverse Adrift! xover
Date: 11 Jan 1994 19:48:26 GMT
---' `---' `---' `--- //////////|||||||||||||||\\\\\\\\\ ---' `---' `---' `---
Pseudo-Random House |////////||||||LLLLLLL||||||\\\\\\\| a LOONIVERSE ADRIFT!
COMIX >//////.... ( ) ....\\\\\< CROSSOVER
___ ___ ___ ___|.... /starring| ....|___ ___ ___ ___
///`v'///`v'///`v'. HOODED HO`'OD WIN .`v'\\\`v'\\\`v'\\\\\
///////////... || | ...\\\\\\\\\\\\
///////.. ((_______) ..\\\\\\\\
////_______ `------' _______\\\\
///( ) ____ _______ ( )\\\
/// | | | | _ \ / |\\\
| WEBSTER _______ | | | |_) ) | WEBS TOR
CAPTAIN NAPALM | _ \ | | | ===' ____ NOMEX MAN
((_______) | |_) ) `====' `===' | | ((_______)
`------' | \ .. | | `------'
__________ `===='`===' .' `. | \ /~~~~~|
| | : (LNH) : `====== | ,==='
| | `. .' | `~~|
`=== ===' _______ ` ..' ____ ____ | ,=='
`==' | _ \ ____ ____ \ \ / / `======
| |_) ) | | / \ \ `' /
| ===' | | / /\ \ `= ='
`===' | \ | `' | `=='
`====== `==='`==='
... ...
... _______ ...
.. | | ..
| #2 |
Winter 93
\ /
`v'
{Cover is two shadowy giants framing an LNH-Manga battle. In the middle,
Hooded Ho`'od Win levitates commandingly. In the background, Censor
Girl's ghostly face is laughing.
At bottom, a blurb proclaims "LOONIVERSE ADRIFT! maxi-series part 8"}
*******************************************************************************
WORLD WITHOUT WC'S <or>
WE DON'T NEED NO STEENKIN' WC'S
*******************************************************************************
What has gone before: MASTER WORKLOAD's plot to destroy the LNH by first
re-establishing the third wall then eroding the Looniverse away has been
foiled! TSAR CHASM diverted WORKLOAD's attention onto the IRC at the apparent
cost of his own life. Unfortunately, the Looniverse had already been sent
careening through the newsgroups -- with EBON LORD preparing to direct it to
comp.sources.unix where CENSOR GIRL's System can program mastery over the Net.
The NWC's have their hands full elsewhere, however, for as they passed through
rec.arts.manga, their old foe MANGA MAN chose that time to attack! <gasp>
*******************************************************************************
Catalyst Lass, her Cabinet (Dr. Stomper, Master Roster Man, Innovative
Offense Boy, Parking Karma Kid, Irony Man, Contraption Man, Deductive Logic
Man, and Cheesecake-Eater Lad for the memorically impaired) New-Look Lass, and
Hooded Ho`'od Win stared at the War Room's viewscreen in disbelief. An impos-
sibly thick rain of marauding manga was streaming from a city-sized battle
cruiser that hung over Net.ropolis. Catalyst Lass moved first.
"Oh poo! Master Roster Man! Get Golden Man, Captain Capitalize and
Curly -- they're our most powerful, right?! Irony Man, find aLLiterative Lass
and Ordinary Lady. We need the fightin'est members out there in a real big
hurry!" The two Cabinet Secretaries moved at the Motivational Maiden's command.
"#(#^&% Chief? Lemme *(@%*^# go with them. If Ordinary @#$*%@ Lady's
out there . . ."
Cheesecake-Eater Lad jumped up. "Ditto me for aLLiterative Lass, boss."
Catalyst Lass flashed them a brief smile. "That is so sweet guys, but
really IO Boy, we need your powers here more. Cheesey, as Vice-Leader you
better go on out and command the battle and stuff. Watch over LLL, but keep
the battle in hand, 'kay?"
Cheesecake-Eater Lad flushed with pride and bolted for the Flight
Thingie Bay. Only as he got down the hall did he wonder what he'd gotten into.
Turning to Contraption Man, she said, "CM, you and Ferris join Cleanup
at Tsar Chasm's lair." In the heat of the moment, no one questioned who Tsar
Chasm was, though none remembered him. "Ferris'll find that universy stableizer
whoosiedingie, CM you rebuild it." As the pair rushed for the Transmat tubes
she stabbed a blue-gloved hand at the command panel. "Captain Cleanup? I'm
sending you Deductive Logic Man and Contraption Man. They'll fill you in when
they arrive. Meantime, couldja send Nomex and Napalm back? We've got a bit of
a crisis here."
The Sanitary Samaritan looked reluctant to release his firepower, but
he straightened his back and whipped up a smart salute. "They're on the way..."
"Super! Thanks. Dr, Stomper, you and New-Look Lass need to tend to
those guys in the Med-Lab, see if you can't stop their fading and stuff." Cat
took a deep breath and surveyed the nearly empty room. Innovative Offense Boy,
Parking Karma Kid and Hooded Ho`'od Win tensely eyed their leader. "Now, let's
get our heads together and think up a way out of this stuff."
=============== ===============
Golden Man's bright yellow costume streaked skywards. Nimbly dodging
massive energy blasts, he grabbed the lead robot by a flank. Swinging it
mightily about his head, he launched it at a platoon of morphing robots. They
appeared to be in transition to tank and fighter plane forms. As three ex-
ploded in a technical-looking ball of fire, GM bore bodily through a fourth.
"Try a little of your own medicine, you Bug-Eyed Monsters. I don't
know what you're used to on the Moon, but here on Earth we don't take kindly
to invasions!"
Despite his tenuous grasp on the situation, the Golden Age Gladiator
was wreaking havok on the initial assault squad. At his side, Curly was using
his flight thingie (a rubber bottle nipple that he wore as a hat) in ways not
intended by the manufacturer. His wildly erratic flight caused several enemy
constructs to collide in firey explosions.
"Happy, happy! I've got the daaaah marshmallows. Fire people hiding
in metal shells?" Behind the invulnerable twosome, Irony Man and Captain
Capitalize forged into the fray.
At rooftop level, aLLiterative Lass and Ordinary Lady briefly clasped
hands.
"Curses! those Cowardly Constructs are too Coordinated to Contain."
"Maybe. But follow my lead. We might be able to throw some Confusion
in their ranks. This is a little something I saw on Fluid TV . . ."
With a leap, Ordinary Lady grabbed a low-flying attacker. A few sur-
gical strikes of her katana, and it exploded. She agilely rode the explosion
upwards, performing an intricate acrobatic maneuver to grab the next one.
"Fabulous! Fearlessly Fighting Forward against the Flow! I Follow!"
Cheesecake-Eater Lad gained the roof of the LNHHQ just in time to see
aLLiterative Lass leaping from mid-air invader to mid-air invader, up towards
the attacking fortress. It had taken longer than he'd hoped coordinating the
ground-based defenses under Master Roster Man. Adamant Authority On Everything
alone had taken precious minutes to convince. But his defensive guns, as well
as those of Incredible Man With No Life, Incredible Unsleeping Man and the rest
were paying dividends as they disrupted and destroyed close formations. But
the time had cost him, and now aLLiterative Lass was leaping pell-mell through
the melee. Fighting back a tear of frustration, C-E Lad grabbed his communi-
cator and began coordinating the air battle, his own Cheesecake shooters
splooging mightily.
=============== ===============
Captain Cleanup eyed the receding figures of Nomex Man and Captain
Napalm as they blazed away towards the LNHHQ. Patting Squeaky Clean on the
shoulder, he said, "Good effort lad. A place for everything and everything in
it's place."
Squeaky's eyes suddenly shot wide. "Er, right Cap'n. I've got some-
thing to do -- be right back." The Cleanliness Kid darted into the bowels of
Tsar Chasm's lair. Cleanup smiled tightly and nodded. No doubt his aid was
off to sweep the last of the dust from the embattled headquarters. Squeaky was
young and impetuous, but he showed admirable dedication to the principles of
Donna-Reedism.
Squeeky's face would have put doubt in the Sanitary Samaritan's mind.
"Now _what_ did I do with Killfile's body?" he muttered.
Cleanup bent to wiping up nearly-invisible scorch marks left by Napalm,
when a flash distracted him. "Logic Man? Cat said you had something for ..."
The Captain clamped his mouth shut in surprise. Striding towards him
was the half-woman/half-machine figure of Censor Girl. Her voice sounded deep
and resonant with menace. "Looniversian, I believe you can be of service to
me."
=============== ===============
Ebon watched, hidden, as the Looniversian Avatar of Order conferred
with the Avatars of Logical Reasoning and Gadgeteering. Ebon's mastery over his
cybernetic host grew hour by hour. Using the host's Link to Killfile as a
template, Ebon fashioned rudimentary telepathic circuitry. It didn't make for
completely controlled slaves, but then, Ebon only needed to guide the Looniver-
sians. They appeared amply motivated to rebuild the Wave Inhibitor on their
own.
As they bent to that task, Ebon used some of his energy to test the
strength of Workload's psynami. Censor Girl's eyes widened as Ebon made a
stunning discovery. The psynami was gone. The Looniverse was adrift, unimpel-
led by any force. Either Workload's plan was only to dislodge the Looniverse,
or else his plans had come to an unhappy end. Ebon did not know and did not
care. All that mattered was that a Wave Inhibitor was no longer needed. What
Ebon needed instead was a machine to anchor the Looniverse in his chosen dimen-
sion: that of comp.sources.unix. There, Ebon would cement Censor Girl's System
to the raw pixellian source and secure total control over the Net.
Circuits closed as Ebon's mind lanced out. The Avatar of Order jerked
stiffly, then bent once more to his allies.
=============== ================
"Men, I just heard from Catalyst Lass. The orders have changed. We
need to build a Universal Anchor, not rebuild this thing," said Captain
Cleanup, gesturing at the partially rebuilt Wave Inhibitor.
"Right," said Contraption Man. "I'll just collect up this mess and..."
"No, no. Leave it. It's important that we start right away."
Deductive Logic Man looked sharply at Cleanup. He continued staring as
Contraption Man moved to another pile of broken machinery and began tinkering.
=============== ===============
Manga Man surveyed his attack forces with gnawing doubt. The robotic
forces were taking a massive pounding, often exploding with the slightest
contact. Manga Man began to doubt the wisdom of saving money by manufacturing
them with Voltronium -- a cheap and extremely unstable metal. Nevertheless,
he still held the upper hand. Despite his force's fragility, their numbers
were overwhelming. It was only a matter of time before the heroes fell, one by
one. As if in response, the colorful figure of Captain Capitalize caught a
battery of missiles from his blind-side. His "AAARRGH" ripped through three
more robotic attackers, but he went down. Manga Man's round eyes narrowed.
Perhaps a personal hand in things would expidite the conquest.
=============== ===============
Cheesecake-Eater darted his flight thingie through to the falling form
of the Alphabetic Avenger. A great glob of cheesecake gummed up the claw of a
huge robot that was reaching out to crush the unconscious hero. As C-E Lad
darted away, the robot clawed at the gumming, and drifted into his wingman.
C-E Lad sheilded Capitalize with his body amidst the explosion. With his free
hand, he thumbed the communicator.
"Golden Man! Curly! Irony Man! We've got to mop up the attacking
forces. Try to herd them towards the LNHHQ. Master Roster Man is commanding
the guns, let him destroy them. OL and LLL, you girls try to find the communi-
cation center. Remove their central control." And be careful LLL, he added
silently. Please be careful.
Irony Man's Repulsive Rays were wreaking havok. Behind him, four
robots began a complicated series of clanging motions, bringing their forms
together into some meta-robot. Unfortunately the complex sequence took so
long, Golden Man and Curly reduced them to thumbtack-sized metal scraps long
before it was complete. As Irony Man paused to relish the irony, a hoopish
robot rose silently behind him.
Suddenly, the robot glowed as electricity shot around the loop. The
electricity moved slow enough to follow with the naked eye. Even so, it
produced an immensely strong magnetic field.
"Unnh. Using my Armor against me. How Ironic . . ." The truth hit
the Coincidental Crusader. "No! Not magnetics, it's actually attacking me with
_Irony_! Now that is ironic . . . Uuunh!" The irony fed back into greater and
greater levels. IM's detector shattered. "Can't take the strain . . ."
Irony Man blacked out and tumbled.
"Cat!" yelled C-E Lad into his communicator. "We're falling out here!
I hope IO Boy has something up his sleeve . . ."
High above, aLLiterative Lass and Ordinary Lady continued their
acrobatic ascent.
=============== ===============
Catalyst Lass eyed her three partners with great sadness. C-E Lad's
transmission had been overrun by Master Roster Man. He needed Dr. Stomper to
aid Sarcastic Lad and Frat Boy who were gravely injured when their guns were
destroyed. "IO Boy. I guess we are out of options. I think your plan's a
little loopy, but we're really getting beat up." Parking Karma Kid nodded, IO
Boy swore in agreement, and all three looked to Hooded Ho`'od Win."
<( Cat, we've been over this. My powers don't work that way. I have
to have a genuine _need_ to know . . . Ho`'od Win. Now if the plan involved
Napalm and Nomex instead . . .)>
The leader of the LNH nodded, her perkiness suffering under the dire
straits. She looked deep into HHW's hood, where she hoped her eyes were. "I
know, Hood. But they can't help us now. I think it'd be just real neat if
. . ."
As Catalyst Lass spoke urgently with the Hooded Woman of Mystery,
IO Boy spoke in hushed tones to Dr. Stomper over a communicator. Unobserved,
Useless Background Character Lad wept quietly in the corner. Even in the LNH's
darkest hour of need he was unable to help.
=============== ===============
"Brother Nomex, I believe the LNH is losing the battle!"
"Indeed they are Brother Napalm, indeed they are."
"Shall we?"
"Let's."
Nomex and Napalm streaked in from out of the sun to join the battle.
Nomex absorbed the manga fire-based attacks, freeing his partner to launch
fierce flaming bursts. Dozens of robots in the marginally clearer sky exploded
brightly. Cheesecake-Eater Lad cheered out loud. It was down to him, the two
ninja women, Golden Man and Curly. With the addition of N&N, the tide of battle
might turn.
C-E Lad wasn't the only one to make that observation. Manga Man ob-
served his attack losing momentum and decided he could wait no longer. With a
resounding "Aaaaaaaaa-Ko!" he smashed through his own observation window and
screamed down on Curly and Golden Man.
"Manga Man! He's joined the battle!" shrieked C-E Lad. "GM . . ."
Before the Dessert Defender could issue a battle plan, Manga Man turned
to Curly. His round face broke into a huge grin that _literally_ went ear to
ear. It appeared he had one long tooth that entirely filled his upper gum, and
his eyes squeezed into long lines. "Lolly!" he exclaimed inanely. "For you!"
Curly seized the huge proferred sucker, his eyes growing large and
cute. "Oh joy! Oh rapture!" Curly sped off into the LNHHQ under the recep-
tionist's desk and jealously guarded his prize.
"Buster, here in the Usenet.ed States, we don't take advantage of
folks' handicaps like that," blustered Golden Man. "You need a lesson in
manners . . ."
Manga Man took a powerful blow from the Golden Guardian, but quickly
turned his trajectory around and rammed the yellow-clad hero. Nearby robots
exploded just from the force of the blow. As Manga Man pressed the attack, he
decided to _definately_ never use Voltronium again. The gold and green foes
tumbled through the sky raining devastating blows on each other.
C-E Lad's face fell. Manga Man had neutralized their two most powerful
heroes in mere seconds. Even with N & N, the battle was surely lost. There
were simply too many robots remaining, despite the nearly constant orange glow
of exploding enemy.
============== ===============
Things were progressing nicely. Ebon's censors told him the LNH was
engulfed in an epic battle. They had no chance to stop him. Ebon had prepared
the burst transmission to modify the .newsrc, during the next Universe Shift.
And the Avatar of Gadgetry was making excellent progress on the Universal
Anchor. The Avatar of Logical Reasoning had disappeared, which caused Ebon
slight unease, but ultimately there was little that Looniversian could do. Ebon
permitted himself to ignore that detail, as he needed to marshal energy for his
link to the pixellian source.
As Ebon settled into symbiosis with the System, a foreign signal came
into his mind. The cybernetic Link had received an incoherent transmission ...
Killfile! He must be stirring, and the Link between him and Censor
Girl informed Ebon of that fact. Ebon cursed himself energetically. That was
one untended area of vulnerability that Ebon could not ignore. Should
Workload return to Killfile's body, Ebon might not have the energy to defeat
him.
He activated his telepathic circuitry and accessed the Avatar of Order
once again. "One last detail! Somewhere in this base, Killfile's body lies.
It is contaminated and only inceneration will truly cleanse it." Ebon smiled
through Censor Girl's face. These Looniversians possessed such simple-minded
motivations. Once the proper keyword was found, control was laughably easy.
The Avatar of Order rushed off to find Killfile's body. Ebon permitted
himself the luxury of a malevolent laugh.
=============== ===============
Hooded Ho`'od Win rose dramatically from her seat. Catalyst Lass wet
dry lips. She had no more arguments to offer. Parking Karma Kid and Innova-
tive Offense Boy eyed her expectantly. HHW's cloak whipped in unseen winds.
<( Many thanks, Catalyst Lass for your convincing. The Contention
Comes! For now I must know . . .Ho`'od Win: Webster or Webs tor! But no such
Baster/Mastigator conflict will suffice. She Who Must Know . . . Ho`'od Win
commands the Conflict of WRITER/DIRECTOR! )>
IO Boy quickly unplugged cables from the Webs' watches, cables Dr.
Stomper had used to download hastily programmed forms for the Webs.
The unconscious Tsar Chasm aids stirred on the floor. Then they
slowly rose. The two coldly regarded each other, simultaneously touched
watches, then swelled incredibly. Hooded Ho`'od Win levitated up as the pair
grew to mammoth proportions, shattering the LNHHQ roof. They continued to
grow, dwarfing the combatants until their heads nearly brushed Manga Man's
battle cruiser.
Catalyst Lass sighed. "Gee, I hope we've done right. We better join
the fray now ..." IO Boy bolted for the door at Cat's words, eager to find
Ordinary Lady. PKKid raced beside Catalyst Lass, but they were brought up short
on their way out by the appearance of Deductive Logic Man.
"Ferris? Is Contraption Man finished with his whatsis?"
"Cat. I know you've got your hands full here, but we're in grave
danger." The Perky Punisher nodded as Ferris detailed his conclusions. She
wearily brushed her hand across her eyes.
"I swear, this job is really trying to dampen my cheery disposition."
=============== ===============
Golden Man's attention was momentarily distracted by two giants growing
in the midst of the raging battle. Manga Man used the opportunity to unsheath
a sword from a scabbard that was half its size. It was clustered with circuitry
that served no apparent purpose. He gleefully plunged it into Golden Man's
stomach. The Golden Guardian fell to the ground, more surprised by the sensa-
tion of pain than mortally wounded.
Manga Man turned sharply back to look up at the two titans that now
centered the battlefield. The chubby black giant carried a city-block sized
typewriter and smoked a Tower of Pisa sized cigarette. The nondescript browm-
haired one wore a giant beret and carried a light meter and Great Pyramid sized
megaphone. DIRECTOR spoke first, through his giant megaphone.
"CUT!" Most of the remaining robots exploded at the sound. LNHers
dropped to their knees clutching their ears. Only aLLiterative Lass and
Ordinary Lady, who were behind the huge head at the time, were immune.
They had just reached the robots' launching bay.
"THIS IS ALL WRONG. WE NEED MORE EXPLOSIONS!" In response, a few of
the remaining robots randomly exploded.
"NO, NO, NO! DO YOU REALIZE THE SOCIAL COST TO THE ATTACKER'S PLANET
ALREADY, WITH THIS WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER OF THEIR PILOTS? BESIDES, THESE ROBOTS
DIE FAR TOO EASILY" The robots unexploded.
"VIEWERS DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT. THEY WANT EXPLOSIONS!" To emphasize
his point, the great battle cruiser began exploding with a series of tremendous
shocks.
"STOP THAT! THERE'S NO WAY THE LEADER WOULD BRING HIS COMMAND VESSLE
THIS CLOSE TO THE BATTLE. IT'S STUPID." To emphasize his point, WRITER
teleported the massive cruiser miles away. "HE'D USE SENSORS TO CONTROL ..."
"SENSORS? THERE'S NO WAY TO VISUALLY PORTRAY THAT! HE'D USE GREAT
PLANET-DESTROYING BEAMS..."
The LNH looked in horror at their imminent destruction.
"WAIT. IF HE HAD THAT KIND OF FIREPOWER, HE NEVER WOULD'VE LAUNCHED A
ROBOTIC ATTACK AT ALL." All the attacking robots dissappeared at once, leaving
only Manga Man, alone amongst the LNH. "IN FACT, THE LEADER IS FAR TOO PHYSI-
CAL. A CONQUEROR SHOULD BE MORE CEREBRAL. AND HE'D _NEVER_ JOIN THE BATTLE
HAND-TO-HAND." Manga Man dissappeared, to reappear in his self-destructing
cruiser.
"Nooo! Min-Mei . . ." MM cried amidst the destruction of his base.
"OK, BUT THE PLANET DEFINATELY GETS DESTROYED, RIGHT?"
"RIGht . ."
<( Enough! The Contention is Done. The Match is a draw and I no
longer need to know . . Ho`'od Win )> HHW's gestured with her arms and the
Webs shrank to normal size.
C-E Lad and Innovative Offense Boy rose, their ears ringing. "Where's
Inacoustic Lad when you need him?" They looked at each other, then to the
exploding manga city/battleship several miles away.
"@*$^(@$^! Ordinary Lady!"
"aLLiterative Lass!" IO Boy jumped aboard C-E Lad's flight thingie and
the two sped off towards the dying manga command post.
=============== ===============
Ebon's internal censors kicked off. The Universal Shift was moments
away. Ebon prepared the transmission. With the System's electronic precision,
the .newsrc got written. Circuits confirmed that in the blink of an eye, the
Looniverse had been relocated to comp.sources.unix, though the only external
evidence was the eradication of all plants in the Looniverse, and
transformation of its citizens into automatons.
Ebon sat back and let the download begin. Though he only had Chess-
Piece Face's knowledge of computers, the System had an advanced interfacing
algorithm that translated Ebon's dark designs to programmatic realities. Once
the algorithm established a definite link to the pixellian source, Ebon could
direct it through the System as if it were an extension of his own will.
A thrill of power filled Ebon as his System brushed the pixellian
source. It was only a matter of time until the System came into synch. The
Avatar of Gadgetry had nearly completed the locking device, and the Avatar of
Order was protecting his flank. Ebon could not resist testing the interface,
though he knew it was premature.
At a mental command, the System tweaked the pixellian source. In the
middle of the room, seemingly the air itself became white static. It was a
pocket of scrambled reality, fatal to any Net.Being it engulfed.
Unfortunately, the interface was far from stable. Ebon had no control
over the pixellian patch. In fact, several other scrambled reality pockets
appeared throughout Tsar Chasm's lair. As a test, though, it was successful.
Soon the power to configure net.reality itself would be his.
=============== ===============
"They're all right, Catalyst Lass! They hijacked some Veritech
fighters and escaped just before the cruiser was engulfed!" C-E Lad's
ecstatic voice came over the communicator.
"That's great, Cheesey. Now listen though, you two and the girls need
to fly to Tsar Chasm's Lair in a big hurry! Don't waste time or energy on
fighting. Just bomb that place away! 'kay?" Catalyst Lass' voice caught as
she gave the order. She knew she was condemning Contraption Man, Captain
Cleanup and Squeaky Clean to death. But with Ebon, there was no other way.
"Sure Cat Lass." The LLNH (Limping Legion of Net.Heroes) listened to
their communicators as C-E Lad, IO Boy, LLL and OL dove to the attack.
"Shraaaak! Kaboom! BLAMMMO! ShhhhhKOW!"
"AAh! It's no good, Cat! They've got ... The communicator went dead.
=============== ===============
Catalyst Lass, Captain Napalm, Nomex Man, Parking Karma Kid, Hooded
Ho`'od Win and Deductive Logic Man gathered together. "Guys, it's up to us.
Lord Ebon is a real mean villian. It's not real clear what he's up to, but it's
our job and stuff to stop him."
She sighed, the weight of the past few days tremendous on her perky
shoulders. "Ferris and I have figured out a crazy scheme. Hood, we need you,
Nomex and Napalm to distract Ebon Lord until we can get it together." She
squeezed their hands. "You might not live through it, y'know."
<( Cat. You know I cannot be hurt during the Conflict. )> HHW turned
to Napalm and Nomex. <( If things go badly, with your permission I will pit
the two of you against one another. This will allow me an even battle with
Ebon. Hopefully.)>
"Brother Napalm? Would you relish a fight with me?"
"Decidedly not, brother Nomex. But if we have no other choice..."
"Agreed. And may the best Brother win!"
"So be it!"
Catalyst Lass looked weary but resolved. "Okay. And Ferris, you've got
the automobile dashboard, right . . . ?"
=============== ===============
Ebon was growing impatient. It had required an extreme amount of
Censor Girl's internal power to destroy the fighter attack. He dared not even
spend enough to ensure the deaths of the pilots, though they would surely not
play tennis for awhile.
Censors picked up a disturbance in the lair. An infernal teleporter.
Ebon's interface was still not synched, thanks to the brief distraction, and
now more interference.
Upon materialization, Nomex Man and Captain Napalm jumped forward.
Hooded Ho`'od Win faded into the shadows. Nomex absorbed Censor Girl's prelim-
inary attack as Napalm threw massive gouts of flame against hastily thrown up
shields. HHW appeared in the shadows at Censor Girl's back. She delivered a
fierce hand-to-hand attack, carrying the battle to Ebon.
=============== ===============
CL, PKK and DLM rushed up to Contraption Man. "CM! We need you to
modify this thing! Put this dashboard on the front and add a jump circuit as
well as an anchor."
Contraption Man eyed Ferris dully. "The Master won't like that . . ."
Catalyst Lass grabbed the Future Man's face in her hands. She stared
at him intently. "Listen, I think it'd be real neat to do it, okay?" Contrap-
tion Man's eyes focussed on the Motivational Maiden. He nodded. His
hands started slowly, but quickly reached an incredible tinkering speed.
"Actually, it's no problem, the circuits are fully reversible. Hand me
that dashboard will you?"
=============== ===============
Hooded Ho`'od Win landed several more blows before Ebon lashed out
Censor Girl's bionic hand and caught her by her cowled throat. As she was being
throttled. Nomex and Napalm battled fultilely at the protective shields.
"I believe it's time for us to fight, Brother."
"Indeed, Brother."
HHW nodded at the N-men's resolve. <( The Caaaanflkkk Cmmms. Shwhomss
knnkknknkn . . .whdddd Win! )> Napalm loosed a tremendous blast at Nomex, who
absorbed it easily. Nomex strode forward, trying to get close enough to snuff
Napalm's flame. Hooded Ho`'od Win suddenly burst free from Ebon's mechanical
grasp. Using Censor Girl's offensive systems, Ebon unleashed a fearsome attack
at the Matchup Maid. The powerful blasts had no effect.
<( Your attacks are futile, malefactor. She Who Must Know . . .
Who`'od Win cannot be prevented from seeing the Conflict's outcome. Not by
any force in the Looniverse. )> As N & N battled in the background, providing
a flickering orange backdrop, HHW began throwing Censor Girl's body about the
room, always materializing in shadows within Ebon's shielded perimeter.
"Girl, you toy with forces far beyond your comprehension. Pray now,
for a speedy death. Lord Ebon does not suffer indignity lightly," said the Dark
Sorceror as he wiped a trickle of blood from Censor Girl's mouth.
HHW smashed a cloaked fist into Censor Girl's face in response.
"ENOUGH! Now taste forces beyond your ken -- forces immune to your precious
Conflict." Ebon tweaked the still incomplete interface to the pixellian
source. Reality scrambled around Hooded Ho`'od Win's thigh, severing her leg.
She fell to the floor in agony.
<( How . . . ? )>
"Little girl. You claimed nothing in the Looniverse could harm you.
You were just struck down by the primal matter that _is_ the Looniverse. In a
sense you couldn't be more wrong, for it took _everything_ in the Looniverse to
harm you. Now . . "
HHW shut her eyes tightly as Censor Girl's cybernetic eye flared
blackly.
=============== ===============
"It's ready," said Contraption Man with no fanfare. Parking Karma Kid
seated himself at the great machine with the dashboard mounted incongruously to
its face. "It's wired so a press of the gas and we skip out of our current uni-
verse, turn the wheel and we enter another, set the brake and we anchor there."
PK Kid was sweating. "I've never parked a universe before."
Deductive Logic Man spoke quietly. "We're counting on your karmic
powers to do what your conscious mind can't. We need to either find a universe
that limits Ebon's powers or reestablish contact with our cosmic branch."
Catalyst Lass gasped as HHW went down, her leg sheared off. "Go now
PK. Floor it!"
=============== ===============
If the foursome gathered around the Universal Anchor were expecting
some great special effects, they were sorely dissappointed. After a moment of
no visible response, Parking Karma Kid said,"I feel a little foolish."
Censor Girl/Ebon Lord was not so sedate. The System reported repeat-
edly that it had lost connection to the pixellian source. Ebon whirled from
the disabled Hooded Ho`'od Win to face the Parking Kid.
PKKid looked away. If he was going to park this reality, he had to
allow his karma to do it, not his panic.
Contraption Man whipped together a miniature shield generator in time
to deflect a power blast. "This won't hold long . . ."
Parking Karma Kid closed his eyes, the sweat pouring from his head.
Just as the shield gave away, PKK slewed the wheel violently and slammed on
the breaks. He looked to Catalyst Lass helplessly. This was his best shot.
Ebon stopped in mid-attack. Rec.arts.prose? Suddenly, the universe
felt more rigid, nearly impossible to mold beyond certain guidelines. He'd
landed in a literary critics universe -- worse, a moderated one. His host's
powers were vastly reduced here, not to mention his own. Through Censor Girl's
lips, Ebon growled a feral growl. He took a step towards Catalyst Lass and
company. They stepped back.
A dark figure stepped from behind the Universal Anchor. He appeared to
be totally black with small stars flickering in his substance. "You murdered
my friends, Ebon. You will pay." A great comet of a sword grew from his hand.
Data ran riot through Ebon's System. Some data matched with Constel-
lation, other did not. Ebon had sorely taxed his reserves in making the con-
nection to the pixellian source on top of battling the LNH. And now they were
anchored in a rigid universe. He did not have the resources to stand and fight,
if this were truly Constellation. As the sword fell, Ebon traversed the Link
one more time, delighted to find Killfile had not been destroyed yet.
=============== ===============
Squeeky Clean was pulling on Killfile's feet. "No Captain Cleanup!
There're better ways to clean him up." Killfile's eyes flickered open, their
pupils pure black an instant before Squeeky Clean lost his grip. Captain
Cleanup tossed Killfile's body into a patch of scrambled reality, destroying it
utterly.
=============== ===============
Censor Girl slumped to the floor, mindless. Ferris, Contraption Man,
Parking Karma Kid, and Catalyst Lass issued a collective sigh. 'Constellation'
morphed to reveal a very relieved Substitute Lad. "Man, was that close. If he'd
have waited until I actually hit him . . . Anyway, I'll have to mark Useless-
Background Character Lad and Constellation off my list."
Ferris and Catalyst Lass ran to Hooded Ho`'od Win. The Hooded Woman was
doing her best to cover her stump. Captain Napalm met them with a smoking Nomex
Man over his shoulder. Catalyst Lass' voice was firm. "Eeew, yuck. Quick,
Napalm, cauterize her."
HHW let out an agonized <( Uuuunh...)> but refused to pass out as
Napalm complied. Ferris and Catalyst Lass shouldered the cloaked woman and
helped her over to the Universal Anchor. Hood nodded to aknowledge their
concerned faces.
Contraption Man addressed the group. "There's no reason PKKid couldn't
get us back to our own universe, as long as the danger is passed."
Parking Karma Kid pulled a pair of horn-rimmed sunglasses from his
pocket and put them on. He grabbed the steering wheel on the Universal Anchor
tightly.
"Cat, we're 106 newsgroups from home, we got a full power cell, half
the LNH, we're lost and we don't know where the Looniverse should be."
<("Hit it.")> said Cat and HHW in unison...
=============== ===============
LOONIVERSE ADRIFT! concludes in the pages of LNH Comics Presents #20.
[As does your chance to name this series!]
NEXT: "Lack of Faith" has been postponed due to encroaching crossovers.
Next issue, "The LNH Valentine's Ball" is presented for the
romantical at heart.
Coming in February.
=============== ===============
Triple Players:
Hooded Ho`'od Win.......on loan from wReam
Webster/Webs tor........via Ken Schmidt
Nomex Man/Captain Napalm.via lee at soda.berkerly.edu
Catalyst Lass...........via Public Domain
Golden Man..............???
Cheesecake-Eater Lad....via wReam
Parking Karma Kid.......via wReam
Innovative Offense Boy..via Public Domain
Censor Girl.............via Drizzt
Ebon Lord...............via Dvandom
Ferris Jones............via Kevin Wilcox, on loan from wReam
and all the rest, too numerous to mention . . .
special thanks to:
Dvandom and Ken who guided and inspired this hopelessly twisted
plotline. And to John Belushi and Dan Akyroyd for key snatches
of conversation.
Newsgroups: alt.comics.lnh
From: kenaschm at silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Ken Schmidt)
Subject: LNH Comics Presents #20
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 1994 17:20:50 GMT
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
FINALLY! Here is the epilogue to the 'Looniverse Adrift' storyline(which
Jeff has the list of suggestions that he never sent me so it sticks for
now:)
Contributing to this issue were: Jeff McCoskey, Martin Phippps,
Ken Schmidt and Dave Van Domelen. I'll leave it to you, the reader,
to figure out who wrote what.
*******************LNHCP #20*********************
Cheesecake-Eater Lad and most of the NWCs were in the Med-Lab healing
their wounds. They were occupying bedspace that used to hold the WC's, who had
recovered quickly after the battle with Ebon. Hooded Ho`'od Win was being
fitted with a prosthetic device since her leg had dissolved into the patch of
scrambled reality. Deductive Logic Man and Dr. Stomper were explaining to the
NWCs the details of the exploits they were not privy to.
Master Roster Man asked, "Now wait. Manga Man is listed as hating
Robotech. How'd he have Veritech fighters on his cruiser?"
Stomper responded, "Apparently, like most manga snobs, he secretly
enjoyed Robotech but couldn't admit it to anyone."
"but Permitting the Webs to Process those Potentially Powerful
Programs," began aLLiteratvie Lass.
"Don't worry. I erased and destroyed the programs. They won't fall
into Tsar Chasm's hands. We took the Universal Anchor for the same reason."
"And how'd you know Lord Ebon had taken over Censor Girl, Ferris?"
asked C-E Lad, holding aLLiterative Lass's hand.
"Well, when Captain Cleanup ignored a mess, I knew he was controlled by
someone. Reviewing the first battle tapes, I noticed Killfile stock still.
Yet he had gotten there somehow, apparently under his own power. I hypothe-
sized a possession-battle. Knowing Killfile had a link to his slave, Censor
Girl, it was apparent that she would be vulnerable also. She had escaped
during the cani-verse confusion, so I ran a trace on her. She went to
ChessPiece Face's old base. From there it was apparent who the culprit was."
Choruses of 'Yeah, of course' echoed through the Med-Lab.
"And that's how Catalyst Lass knew to tell Substitute Lad to emulate
Constellation. As a last resort," finished Ferris.
"So, like, where'd those weases Censor Girl and Dr. Killfile get to?"
asked California Kid.
Dr. Stomper shook his head. "Well, Censor Girl's _body_ is in the
Detention Wing, but I'm afraid Lord Ebon ate her, uh, soul. There's no
telling where she truly is, but I expect it's warm.
"And Killfile was tossed into a pocket of warped reality, just as Ebon
returned to the body."
<( He's with my leg. )> came Hooded Ho`'od Win's hollow voice.
After an uncomfortable pause, Sarcastic Lad spoke. "Nice of Ultimate
Ninja to stop by and see us."
Frat Boy chimed in, "I know I'm the new pledge, but why's he our pledge
master anyway? I mean Catalyst Lass did a great job, saved the Looniverse I
bet. And she was here for hours -- without any sleep for herself."
The NWCs shook their heads in resignation to their lot.
To lighten the mood, C-E Lad mused aloud. "So Parking Karma Kid
got us out of rec.arts.prose and back to alt.comics.lnh? Maybe I'll make a
special cheesecake just for him ..." Groans, not of medical origin, filled the
infirmary.
=============== ===============
Ordinary Lady looked into Innovative Offense Boy's eyes. "I don't
quite know how to put this. What I felt for you was, and still is, real. But
I also have feelings for Ultimate Ninja, and now that our memories are fixed,
I can't just forget them. Again, I mean." She looked pleadingly at the
Offensive Avenger. "Can I ask you to give me a chance to work things out?"
She clutched his hands to drive home her sincerity.
"*^(@#^$*&," said IO Boy. "Just #(*&%in' remember: all's $*&#@in' fair
in Love and #(*%&!*(@&#in' War. And I can be pretty *#&^!%in' Innovative in
War."
=============== ===============
Kid Kirby pierced the barrier between IRC and the Looniverse and
found the Dvandom Stranger waiting. Kid Kirby checked his flight, and
pulled up to face the dark form of the Stranger.
After a silent moment, Kid Kirby 'spoke' up, "No mysterious words
of greeting, Stranger? How unlike you."
The Stranger shifted his staff slightly, "What news do you bring
from IRC?"
If Kid Kirby had the requisite amounts of the emotions in him, he
would have summoned a smirk to his face," You already know. Now that
alt.comics.lnh has been returned to its proper place, everything is as it was."
"Everthing?" more mild disbelief than an actual question.
Kid Kirby's annoyance was shown by the crossing of his arms,
"A few losses to the Looniverse's population. Nothing of consequence,
save perhaps Tsar Chasm. There must have been something more to him than
was ever let on. Not many mortals can say they have moved the wielder of
the Power Kirby two times against his will, nor many who can claim thwarting
the machinations of a Looniversan Elder."
The edges of the Stranger's trenchcoat floated as if caught in a
breeze, "Many cultures believe death is just the gateway to a newer, better
life."
"I sense your hand behind much of this, Stranger. Even with
the help of the RACelestials, Master Workload could not have kept you as
his captive for any extended period of time."
The Dvandom Stranger pulled his trenchcoat close about him as he
prepared to deaprt, "Believe what you will, Kirbian. Somethings in the
Looniverse needed a new start, and a catalyst was needed...yet such
are only passing concerns... to a STRANGER." And he was gone.
Kid Kirby continued on his way back to LNHHQ, his mind mulling
over the meanings behind the words of the Stranger.
=============== ===============
"Deja Dude."
"June ... what brings you here?"
"We need to talk."
"OK." They walk off together. "So ... what's up?"
"I know about that scene."
"Oh."
"I thought I told you --"
"Look: I didn't write that scene, OK?"
"That may very well be but a promise is a promise!"
"What could I have done? I was unconscious!"
"It wouldn't have been so bad if you didn't have that goofy smile
on your face."
"OK, so I was in a good mood." Deja Dude pouted. "Don't try to
break us up. Pleeease!"
June sighed. "Aaron gets that same look in his eyes when I tell him
in not in the mood."
Deja Dude smiled. "That's no surprise: he is, after all, based on
me!"
=============== ===============
Ultimate Ninja shook Catalyst Lass' hand brusquely. "Congratulations,
Catalyst Lass. You NWCs did a great job, but we're back now. I'll handle the
LNH from here."
"Gee, he sure doesn't smother you in gratitude," laughed CL as the
ninja stalked away.
"Don't let it get to you, Cat," came a familiar voice form nowhere.
"II! Oh, is it good to hear you again. Look, don't take this the
wrong way, okay, but after all that stuff, plus a long visit to the infirmary,
I need to just soak in a tub and read a romance novel. Is it okay if we catch
up a little later?"
Invisible Incendary smiled invisibly. "Sure, Cat. I'll look forward
to hearing all about it. I hear you made quite a leader."
"The only thing I want to lead for awhile is the Valentine's Ball,"
said the Motivational Maiden with a tired laugh.
=============== ===============
Captain Napalm and Nomex Man walked down the LNHHQ halls.
"Brother Nomex, did our fighting make you Cross?"
"No, Brother Napalm, but I wish you hadn't Post'd the results."
They laughed a long laugh, then looked at the LNH front door.
"Shall we?"
"Let's."
They walked out.
=============== ===============
Lord Ebon's spirit fled the burning body of Killfile, as one net.element
reclaimed another...flames will always kill a thread.
Ebon was certain the moment he initiated the link to Killfile that the
person before him was not Constellation. Using his own senses instead of
Censor Girl's censors had made it obvious. The soul was wrong. But still,
flight had been a viable alternative. He had been lucky, and made it back to
Killfile's body neither too early nor too late, just at the right time to make
it look like carelessness had made him forget the fate he had sent the body to.
Pshaw. The LNH had been the careless ones. Censor Girl's body yet
existed and his familiarity with it would allow him to slip back in
as if it were a comfortable pair or breeches. Let their attention wander for a
few moments, and he'd be back in possession of that formidable host. Already
he was formulating a plan to allow the System to access the Looniverse's
elements more directly, without needing the purified forms available in other
news.groups.
Suddenly, Ebon felt a tugging on him. "Looking" up from his thoughts, he
focused on a standard representation of the Astral Realm and saw sparkling grey
'matter' flowing past him in a steady stream. The Psynami?
No.
Looking in the direction of the flow, Ebon saw a manlike form at the
center of an Astral whirlpool.
Constellation.
Straining with all his might, he strove to escape the Astral Realm. He
cared not where he went, so long as it wasn't here. So, he had been careless
after all. He had underestimated both Constellation's resolve and his command
of the primal flows of the Astral Realm. He could not break free, not with his
limited reserves. So he dove in.
Blackness.
All about him was blackness. Not a soul he could sense, to fight or
devour. Nothing.
Then a spark.
With a self-assuredness he didn't really feel, Ebon sneered, "I'm still
alive. Therefore, you either can't or won't kill me. And I shan't stay your
prisoner forever...one day you'll find yourself here as I command your body."
++No, I don't think so.++
"Eh? Who is this? You don't sound like Constellation."
++I'm Dot...his partner, remember? You feasted on part of *my* soul too.
Your continued existence hurts him. He wants revenge, but he has neither the
energy nor the skill to truly end your menace. I normally stay quiet and
passive, because we choose to live in a world more to his 'tastes' than mine.
But this is *my* realm, interloper. My senses, my powers, my preconceptions
are ideal to this shifting protean existence. Over time, my beloved will learn
these senses just as I will learn his...but for now he sleeps. And you....++
"You cannot kill me! I am the ultimate Alchemist! I have mastered
Eternal Life! Your best effort will merely inconvenience me!" raged Lord Ebon.
++No, I cannot kill you, Baron Iago Montessi. I - CAN - DO - WORSE!++
The spark grew to engulf Lord Ebon, and he cried out in pain, and yes,
fear. Then all was dark again.
"What was that supposed to...<thunk> Oh no...not that! If it takes me
another six centuries, I *will* kill you for this, insignificant spark! I
WILL KILL YOU!!!"
Back in his own body, six weeks after his burial in the new churchyard,
Baron Iago Montessi raged impotently at the walls of his stone crypt. In five
hundred and sixty two years, he would forget much. But he would remember his
hatred of a glowing mote. Oh, he would remember that. And after those five
hundred and sixty two years, a wizard mad with grief in the shattered remains
of Nagasaki would cast a mighty spell that would one day ten years later lead
to Iago being freed by a young wanderer. Thirty years after that, Lord Ebon
would be the uncontested master of magic in his cursed world, feeding on the
curse cast at Nagasaki and on the souls of weaker mages. Never finding the
target of his hatred, he would amuse himself by taking the souls of minor mages
and reducing them to sparks...then tormenting them for months until devouring
them. When he was finally driven from his excellent body by the interference
of heroes from another PluReality, some of his 'pets' escaped into the Aether.
He didn't bother to recapture them, as he had already destroyed the memories
and personalities of his pets from rough 'play'...they were no threat.
And that is where Lord Ebon was *truly* careless.
=============== ===============
Kid G's car pulled up to the front of LNHHQ as 'Award Tour' was
ending on his car's stereo/propulsion system. He stepped out of his car
and a shadow passed overhead. He looked up, holding a hand up to block
out the sun, and saw the form of a large eagle riding the wind currents
above the buidling. A small smile appeared on his face, but Captain Napalm
and Nomex Man's laughing exit out of the HQ brought his sight back down for
a moment. When he looked back up, the bird was gone.
Kid G shook his head and entered the HQ of the LNH and was greeted
by Fred, one of the secretaries.
"Oh! Kid G! It's been a while since you've been in...something
wrong?"
"Hmm? Oh, not really. Just some personal business I had to attend
to. I should be around much more from now on."
Fred looked at Kid G, then snapped his fingers, "I thought you looked
different! You shaved off your goatee."
Kid G's hand went to his chin, looking surprized, then mildly
amused, "Oh, I just decided it was time for a change. Did I miss anything
while I was gone?"
---End---
==========
Next Week: LNH Triple Play #3: The Valentine's Day Ball!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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