LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #22: RETCON HOUR Delta
pwerdna at gmail.com
Tue Jun 28 12:20:20 PDT 2016
On 6/14/2016 10:22 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> Narcoleptic Dogs is too clever for it's own damn good and has
> managed to trick itself into presenting--
> SWORDMASTER AND THE LOAD ISLAND RENEGADES ISSUE #0!
That's a nice, gimmicky way to get around the "cancelled" thing; relevant, too,
since #0 issues were a pretty new thing at the time.
> "Swordmaster, Meet Dark Sword. Dark Sword, Meet Swordmaster. I want
> a good clean fight, gentlemen. COME OUT SWINGING!"
And that's a great opening line :D
> "Well, does anyone remember where we parked?" Asked CAW, the
> giant yellow battlerobot who still has the personality of Tv's
> Wisecracking Crow. A few of the readers were knocked unconscious
> by the reference, which slammed into their skulls with the fury of
> a mountain goat.
> "Ooh," said CAW. "Tremendous Exposition there, Rac.ctre. I
> give it a nine point seven."
> "Yeah." The Rodent had an expression he rarely showed...that
> of comprehension. "Martin'll be glad we finally explained why the
> whole Pageant was important."
> "And now, I will deposit you to battle the Time Crapper II's
> "Hey, FINALLY someone differentiated between TC I and TCII."
Thank you, Matt. <3
> Meanwhile, in the Sanctum Cleanbowlum of the Time Crapper II,
> underneath a gigantic slow dissolve blue capsule, hung the battered
> and bruised body of Contraption Man. Yes, Contraption Man. Not the
> Contraption Man currently working for wReamicus Maximus, you say?
> Well, yes and no. You see..this is him AFTER Retcon Hour, while
> that guy is him BEFORE.
Oh shit. XD And the thing is, "tortured and half-broken CM" fits well with what
actually came after RH. @-@;
> "I was..working for wReamicus Maximus. I already TOLD you.
> I've confessed REPEATEDLY! Why are you still interrogating me?"
> "It's fun and delicious." said TIMMY.
> Somewhere in California, someone
> shrieked as the subtlety drought continued.
> The Dark
> Renegades tried really hard only to breathe through their
> mouths...unfortunately, that means you can almost TASTE it.
> Spitting resulted.
I always loved that line. XD
> Besides, David thought, if this guy is like me, he'll _have_ to
> fight me one-on-one to prove he's better than I am. It's good to
> recognize your own character flaws, sometimes. The only weakness
> _I_ have is that I actually _Like_ the songs and poetry of
> Leonard Nimoy.
awwwww I just remembered he's dead ;.;
> Dark Sword rode on TIMMY's back,and the Rabid Rat hung from
> his legs.
Man, I want a pinup of this.
> "And after I kill you, I'll be the undisputed best Swordsman
> who ever lived."
> "I was just thinking the same thing. Boy, this is creepy."
> "Yeah. Say, do you think we..."
> "Could finish each other's sentences? Yeah, I..."
> "Bet we could."
> "Boy, this is really..."
> "A big waste of time. Man, I hate the way...
> "We keep doing that. Why are you..."
> "Working for the Time Crapper? He made us with this Gizmo
> "Inverts your personality? You mean like..."
> "Gephardtization, from _Bloom County_? Yeah. And as I
> "That wears off right about now." The two Swordmaster's shook
> hands, in a scene reminiscent of Norman Rockwell, apple pie, and
> savagely beating on hapless lawyers, just cause they're there, in
> that it made everybody feel good to be alive.
Okay, sure, that happened. `.`v
> "If the two of you leave here and re-enter the Time Stream,
> you'll be doing the impossible...being in two places at once.
> wReamicus Maximus would be annihilated as the Looneyverse collapsed
> under the strain, much as would Spandex underwear collapse if
> Meatloaf tried to wear it.
Just. Ignore all the other times this has happened <.< >.>
> FZAAAAM! With a flash (Wally! NOOOO!) of light, a screeching
> sound akin to that of normal humans subjected to an episode of
> Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (Except for the Green Ranger
> episode...yon writer actually _Likes_ those. Add that to my list
> of weaknesses with Leonard Nimoy's recitation of _Fern Hill._
I'm glad we no longer have to feel guilty about liking silly stuff. (I mean,
it's the LNH, it's the silliest stuff of all.)
> "Remember, CAW, the power of your music is the weakness of
> your music." Said Swordmaster.
> "Joel, did you just...tell a joke?" Everybody stopped and
> stared at Swordmaster.
> "I've finally accepted that I'm never going to be a fencing
> correspondent...might as well go along with this gig."
> "Soon, the Retcon energy that's sent you through time will
> wear off. It'll take you back home. You should be immune to the
> Retcon's now, due to being merged members of two seperated
> Timelines at once. That way, the writer can get around his own
> And he stared down two Luger barrels held by the infamous Master of Minutiae,
> Nick Naime.
> "Geez you weren't kidding about stiff penalties for vomiting on public
> One of the men was Oriental. Bent over as he
> was, he looked like a big yellow cricket with a balloon for a head. A balloon
> with a bad Chinese caricature on it.
> Six-Yen spoke. "Honolable Missah Naime captu'e nothah climinal.
> Confooshus say only need captu'e one lat. He tu'n ovah all othahs."
Okay so I know you're making fun of the stereotype but @.x;
> The effect would have been quite awesome if Decibel Dude had not
> staggered back out, still a bit punch drunk.
> "Team up with PULP. It'll be fun," he giggled shrilly.
> Despite the hand-to-hand clinic being practiced on his body, D-Dude's
> heart stubbornly refused to listen to his brain's pleas to shut the blood flow
> the hell off. D-Dude's brain threatened heart mumers, palpitations, even the
> Sandra Bernhardt Playboy spread, but D-Dude's heart didn't listen. That's a
> lot of heart folks.
I mean that's one way to express 'a lot of heart'. XD
> "And I'd'a got away with it too if not for you kids and that dog!"
> slurred D-Dude. "Now that we're pals, I'll stop that guy for you." Decibel
> Dude leapt up, trying to take flight. How that would have gone over in 1944
> would temporarily remain a mystery, for unfortunately he leapt headlong into
> the bole of a mighty tree.
Augh. Such good physical comedy.
> A goofy smile crossed
> his face unitl he saw the Entity behind her, his arms crossed in a compicated
> array that must have required eons of practice.
> "How do you know my name?" Nick Naime wordlessly held up D-Dude's
> Net.Ropolis Driver's License, clearly stamped 'expires 1992.' "Well, yeah,
> I've been meaning to get that fixed...."
> Transmission interrupted. "More importantly, wot da heck is dis?" In
> his grubby fist was a pulp magazine titled "Nick Naime, Agent of PULP" which
> wasn't so odd, except for the 1947 print date. And the cover art which
> proclaimed "Final Stupendous Issue where Nick and crew Battle the Insidious
Ah! The IMPLO thing. XD
> Nick Naime's quiet voice explained. "The Tiara of Density is one of
> the most sacred relics of the Alt.odox Christian religion. Folklore says it is
> what the widow of the thief crucified next to Christ spent her insurance money
> " 'The Fez of Prophecy?' How can you say that with a straight face?"
> "I didn't laugh during your story either. Who did you say you were
> "The, uh, Time Mime and Chronos the Clown," said D-Dude uncomfortably.
> "I see. And you balked at the 'Fez of Prophecy'?
> Your story doesn't
> even make sense. If you're really from the future, why didn't you just get the
> Tiara in your own time?"
> Eggbeater looked angrily at the Entity, whom the Agents of PULP still
> couldn't see.
> The six-armed being gave a nervous smile. "Wow. I uh, woah, look at
> the time. Well I can see you're in good hands here so I'll be off...."
> "I don't have to stand for this! I'm the straight man in my own book!"
> Which of course didn't help reverse PULP's diagnosis.
Ahhhhhh, Nick, you're great :D
> "Ey Eggbeater," whispered Transmission. "If you're from da future,
> why you chasin' criminals at all? In fi'ty years dey'll wipe out crime."
Honestly, this line always made me kinda sad. :<
> D-Dude squinted at the cleaning man down below. "You're right Holmes!
> Why by the way he carries that mop he could only have weilded a gun in the last
> twelve hours. Plus I think his brother's diet is failing and his foreign
> investments have taken a turn for the worse!" The sarcasm threatened to
> create a swimming pool as it dripped to the floor below.
Clowning on Holmesian conclusion-jump deduction is always swell.
> Jimmie DeVice and his wife Jeri Rigg were gimmicky. It was in
> their blood. In fact, unbeknownst to them, it was inheritable, but
> that's a story for a later date.
> Like now, for instance. Jimmy and Jeri had designed a
> Etherotronic Bubble that allowed them to fill an area with the
> ether that floats between the planets, allowing them undetectable
I always thought that was SUCH A COOL IDEA. :D I wondered what it would look
like - some kind of weirdly-colored mist? Maybe like that one Next Generation
episode where the universe in the warp bubble is collapsing... *babbles excitedly*
> They saw a giant yellow thing made of metal, a man in an
> obviously homemade Bat suit with indeterminate stains on it, an
> older gentleman with the gleam of madness in his eyes, and standing
> in the middle of the group holding two glowing swords was a most
> un-PULP spandex clad mystery man. The spectacle caught the thugs
> off guard too, and they just stood around with their Tommy Guns not
> at the ready.
I mean. I would be pretty surprised too. XD
> "What in the name of Joseph Cambell's sympatheic wave
> Nick Naime grabbed the Fez. No sooner did he touch it than visions
> filled his head. Visions of an atomic bomb over Hiroshima, visions of costumed
> men and women fighting and cracking jokes, visions of the all-ashtray cable
> channel, visions of his ally Nick Eggbeater destroying Mexico, no scratch that.
> Finally, a vision of the combination to Hitler's safe.
And this is what inspires him to start SHIELD. No wait
> "Wait a minute..you're a.."
> "Viore a bunchk a.."
> "HERVOES!" The two turned to their respective groups and
> yelled "GET THEM!" Except Karl did it with that German Accent and
> I can't fake it well.
That much is obvious~
> Eidescop chose that moment to pick himself up off the floor
> and run, holding his stinging jaw and cursing the spandex-clad
> intruder. If he had to fake his own death, move to South America,
> and spend millions of Net.si treasure to build himself a cybernetic
> body, he would have vengance, assuming that he didn't just write
> it off as a life lesson well learned.
> Jeff J McCoskey with considerable Badger Help
> (As an excercise at home, pick out the portions by each author! Hint: you
> won't be sleeping during Badge's stuff.)
Aw, now, you're both good
> "It's OK," wReamhack told his teammates, "we're going to advance the
> plot in this Annual. [IMPLO cancelled _Generation Y_ in Generation Y #8
> "Can we do that?" Bizarre Boy asked.
> "There's precedent," wReamhack explained. "The last New Mutants
> Annual came out after the series was cancelled."
> "I hope we don't come back as Y-Force," Bad-Timing Boy mused.
Good points and good banter.
> "We're going to have to get the Ring of Retcon," wReamhack said firmly.
> "Thing is, there's only one of it amongst all the different net.realities
> so it's present location could be in a different timeline."
> "What?!" Bizarre Boy asked. "What if the timeline containing the
> Ring of Retcon were to diverge? Don't you get different Rings of Retcon
> amongst the various timelines?"
> "Don't ask me!" wReamhack complained. "I don't write this stuff!"
Oh man, this *always* bothered me. How can there be a What If? about the Serpent
Crown if it's a multiversal singularity? How many times must Unicron implode? He
must be reeeeeeally sick of it by now.
> "OK, everybody tell me who you are."
> "Ba-aaa-aaa-ad-Singing Bo-ooo-ooo-oy!"
> "LurkerwReam" came a voice seemingly from nowhere.
> "KID CAPITALIZE!"
> "OK, let's hear it."
> "Bad-Poetry Boy you see... because Bad-Poetry Boy I be!"
Not, I assume, related.
> "Nevermind. Do you think you could re-retcon things back to normal."
> WriterwReam shook his head. "Sorry, I don't have time. I haven't
> even been reading LNH stuff lately.
> Continuity Champ Junior grimaced. "They're dead... unless."
> "Unless what?" Squeaky Clean asked.
> Continuity Champ held up the fist which had the Ring of Retcon.
> "Using this I could see to it that we were already there!"
> "No!" wReamhack insisted. "You're a Guardian of Continuity,
> remember? You can't allow yourself to be tempted by the ring into
> shaping continuity to suit your own designs! You'd be just like
> the Time Crapper!"
Somebody should come back to this in modern continuity.
> wReamicus Maximus placed the ring on his finger. "Time Crapper!
> Legionaires! You've all been played as pawns! Now I, wReamicus
> Maximus, am the Lord of Time! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
> wReamicus Maximus raised his fist and all of reality trembled.
Man, this story has a lot of bad guys.
Drew "sorta like the Cosmic Plot Device Caper that way" Perron
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