LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #22: RETCON HOUR Delta

[Drew Perron]

On 6/14/2016 10:22 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:

<snip>
 > Narcoleptic Dogs is too clever for it's own damn good and has
 > managed to trick itself into presenting--
 >
 > SWORDMASTER AND THE LOAD ISLAND RENEGADES ISSUE #0!

That's a nice, gimmicky way to get around the "cancelled" thing; relevant, too, 
since #0 issues were a pretty new thing at the time.

 > "Swordmaster, Meet Dark Sword. Dark Sword, Meet Swordmaster. I want
 > a good clean fight, gentlemen. COME OUT SWINGING!"

And that's a great opening line :D

 >      "Well, does anyone remember where we parked?" Asked CAW, the
 > giant yellow battlerobot who still has the personality of Tv's
 > Wisecracking Crow. A few of the readers were knocked unconscious
 > by the reference, which slammed into their skulls with the fury of
 > a mountain goat.

REFERENCE'D!

 >      "Ooh," said CAW. "Tremendous Exposition there, Rac.ctre. I
 > give it a nine point seven."
 >      "Yeah." The Rodent had an expression he rarely showed...that
 > of comprehension. "Martin'll be glad we finally explained why the
 > whole Pageant was important."

heeheeheehee

 >      "And now, I will deposit you to battle the Time Crapper II's
 > minions."
 >      "Hey, FINALLY someone differentiated between TC I and TCII."

Thank you, Matt. <3

 >      Meanwhile, in the Sanctum Cleanbowlum of the Time Crapper II,
 > underneath a gigantic slow dissolve blue capsule, hung the battered
 > and bruised body of Contraption Man. Yes, Contraption Man. Not the
 > Contraption Man currently working for wReamicus Maximus, you say?
 > Well, yes and no. You see..this is him AFTER Retcon Hour, while
 > that guy is him BEFORE.

Oh shit. XD And the thing is, "tortured and half-broken CM" fits well with what 
actually came after RH. @-@;

 >      "I was..working for wReamicus Maximus. I already TOLD you.
 > I've confessed REPEATEDLY! Why are you still interrogating me?"
 >      "It's fun and delicious." said TIMMY.

Haha ^^;;;

 > Somewhere in California, someone
 > shrieked as the subtlety drought continued.

X3

 > The Dark
 > Renegades tried really hard only to breathe through their
 > mouths...unfortunately, that means you can almost TASTE it.
 > Spitting resulted.

I always loved that line. XD

 > Besides, David thought, if this guy is like me, he'll _have_ to
 > fight me one-on-one to prove he's better than I am. It's good to
 > recognize your own character flaws, sometimes. The only weakness
 > _I_ have is that I actually _Like_ the songs and poetry of
 > Leonard Nimoy.

awwwww I just remembered he's dead ;.;

 >      Dark Sword rode on TIMMY's back,and the Rabid Rat hung from
 > his legs.

Man, I want a pinup of this.

 >      "And after I kill you, I'll be the undisputed best Swordsman
 > who ever lived."
 >      "I was just thinking the same thing. Boy, this is creepy."
 >      "Yeah. Say, do you think we..."
 >      "Could finish each other's sentences? Yeah, I..."
 >      "Bet we could."

Heeheehee.

 >      "Boy, this is really..."
 >      "A big waste of time. Man, I hate the way...
 >      "We keep doing that. Why are you..."
 >      "Working for the Time Crapper? He made us with this Gizmo
 > that..."
 >      "Inverts your personality? You mean like..."
 >      "Gephardtization, from _Bloom County_? Yeah. And as I
 > recall..."
 >      "That wears off right about now." The two Swordmaster's shook
 > hands, in a scene reminiscent of Norman Rockwell, apple pie, and
 > savagely beating on hapless lawyers, just cause they're there, in
 > that it made everybody feel good to be alive.

Okay, sure, that happened. `.`v

 >      "If the two of you leave here and re-enter the Time Stream,
 > you'll be doing the impossible...being in two places at once.
 > wReamicus Maximus would be annihilated as the Looneyverse collapsed
 > under the strain, much as would Spandex underwear collapse if
 > Meatloaf tried to wear it.

Just. Ignore all the other times this has happened <.< >.>

 >      FZAAAAM! With a flash (Wally! NOOOO!) of light, a screeching
 > sound akin to that of normal humans subjected to an episode of
 > Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (Except for the Green Ranger
 > episode...yon writer actually _Likes_ those. Add that to my list
 > of weaknesses with Leonard Nimoy's recitation of _Fern Hill._

I'm glad we no longer have to feel guilty about liking silly stuff. (I mean, 
it's the LNH, it's the silliest stuff of all.)

 >      "Remember, CAW, the power of your music is the weakness of
 > your music." Said Swordmaster.
 >      "Joel, did you just...tell a joke?" Everybody stopped and
 > stared at Swordmaster.
 >      "I've finally accepted that I'm never going to be a fencing
 > correspondent...might as well go along with this gig."

Awwwwwwww. :>

 >      "Soon, the Retcon energy that's sent you through time will
 > wear off. It'll take you back home. You should be immune to the
 > Retcon's now, due to being merged members of two seperated
 > Timelines at once. That way, the writer can get around his own
 > idea.

Heeheehee.

 > And he stared down two Luger barrels held by the infamous Master of Minutiae,
 > Nick Naime.
 >     "Geez you weren't kidding about stiff penalties for vomiting on public
 > thoroughfares."

Nice banter.

 > One of the men was Oriental.  Bent over as he
 > was, he looked like a big yellow cricket with a balloon for a head.  A balloon
 > with a bad Chinese caricature on it.
 >     Six-Yen spoke.  "Honolable Missah Naime captu'e nothah climinal.
 > Confooshus say only need captu'e one lat.  He tu'n ovah all othahs."

Okay so I know you're making fun of the stereotype but @.x;

 > The effect would have been quite awesome if Decibel Dude had not
 > staggered back out, still a bit punch drunk.
 >     "Team up with PULP.  It'll be fun," he giggled shrilly.

Heeheehee :3

 >     Despite the hand-to-hand clinic being practiced on his body, D-Dude's
 > heart stubbornly refused to listen to his brain's pleas to shut the blood flow
 > the hell off.  D-Dude's brain threatened heart mumers, palpitations, even the
 > Sandra Bernhardt Playboy spread, but D-Dude's heart didn't listen.  That's a
 > lot of heart folks.

I mean that's one way to express 'a lot of heart'. XD

 >     "And I'd'a got away with it too if not for you kids and that dog!"
 > slurred D-Dude.  "Now that we're pals, I'll stop that guy for you."  Decibel
 > Dude leapt up, trying to take flight.  How that would have gone over in 1944
 > would temporarily remain a mystery, for unfortunately he leapt headlong into
 > the bole of a mighty tree.

Augh. Such good physical comedy.

 > A goofy smile crossed
 > his face unitl he saw the Entity behind her, his arms crossed in a compicated
 > array that must have required eons of practice.

Heeheehee

 >     "How do you know my name?"  Nick Naime wordlessly held up D-Dude's
 > Net.Ropolis Driver's License, clearly stamped 'expires 1992.'  "Well, yeah,
 > I've been meaning to get that fixed...."

*snerk*

 >     Transmission interrupted.  "More importantly, wot da heck is dis?"  In
 > his grubby fist was a pulp magazine titled "Nick Naime, Agent of PULP" which
 > wasn't so odd, except for the 1947 print date.  And the cover art which
 > proclaimed "Final Stupendous Issue where Nick and crew Battle the Insidious
 > IMPLO!"

Ah! The IMPLO thing. XD

 >     Nick Naime's quiet voice explained.  "The Tiara of Density is one of
 > the most sacred relics of the Alt.odox Christian religion.  Folklore says it is
 > what the widow of the thief crucified next to Christ spent her insurance money
 > on."

*doublesnerk*

 >     " 'The Fez of Prophecy?'  How can you say that with a straight face?"
 >     "I didn't laugh during your story either.  Who did you say you were
 > after?"
 >     "The, uh, Time Mime and Chronos the Clown," said D-Dude uncomfortably.
 >     "I see.  And you balked at the 'Fez of Prophecy'?

XD

 > Your story doesn't
 > even make sense.  If you're really from the future, why didn't you just get the
 > Tiara in your own time?"
 >     Eggbeater looked angrily at the Entity, whom the Agents of PULP still
 > couldn't see.
 >     The six-armed being gave a nervous smile.  "Wow.  I uh, woah, look at
 > the time.  Well I can see you're in good hands here so I'll be off...."

*evilcackle*

 >     "I don't have to stand for this!  I'm the straight man in my own book!"
 > Which of course didn't help reverse PULP's diagnosis.

Ahhhhhh, Nick, you're great :D

 >     "Ey Eggbeater," whispered Transmission.  "If you're from da future,
 > why you chasin' criminals at all?  In fi'ty years dey'll wipe out crime."

Honestly, this line always made me kinda sad. :<

 >     D-Dude squinted at the cleaning man down below.  "You're right Holmes!
 > Why by the way he carries that mop he could only have weilded a gun in the last
 > twelve hours.  Plus I think his brother's diet is failing and his foreign
 > investments have taken a turn for the worse!"  The sarcasm threatened to
 > create a swimming pool as it dripped to the floor below.

Clowning on Holmesian conclusion-jump deduction is always swell.

 >      Jimmie DeVice and his wife Jeri Rigg were gimmicky. It was in
 > their blood. In fact, unbeknownst to them, it was inheritable, but
 > that's a story for a later date.

Interesting. :o

 >      Like now, for instance. Jimmy and Jeri had designed a
 > Etherotronic Bubble that allowed them to fill an area with the
 > ether that floats between the planets, allowing them undetectable
 > access.

I always thought that was SUCH A COOL IDEA. :D I wondered what it would look 
like - some kind of weirdly-colored mist? Maybe like that one Next Generation 
episode where the universe in the warp bubble is collapsing... *babbles excitedly*

 >      They saw a giant yellow thing made of metal, a man in an
 > obviously homemade Bat suit with indeterminate stains on it, an
 > older gentleman with the gleam of madness in his eyes, and standing
 > in the middle of the group holding two glowing swords was a most
 > un-PULP spandex clad mystery man. The spectacle caught the thugs
 > off guard too, and they just stood around with their Tommy Guns not
 > at the ready.

I mean. I would be pretty surprised too. XD

 >      "What in the name of Joseph Cambell's sympatheic wave
 > principle?"

*cackles*

 >     Nick Naime grabbed the Fez.  No sooner did he touch it than visions
 > filled his head.  Visions of an atomic bomb over Hiroshima, visions of costumed
 > men and women fighting and cracking jokes, visions of the all-ashtray cable
 > channel, visions of his ally Nick Eggbeater destroying Mexico, no scratch that.
 > Finally, a vision of the combination to Hitler's safe.

And this is what inspires him to start SHIELD. No wait

 >      "Wait a minute..you're a.."
 >      "Viore a bunchk a.."
 >      "NET.SI!"
 >      "HERVOES!" The two turned to their respective groups and
 > yelled "GET THEM!" Except Karl did it with that German Accent and
 > I can't fake it well.

That much is obvious~

 >      Eidescop chose that moment to pick himself up off the floor
 > and run, holding his stinging jaw and cursing the spandex-clad
 > intruder. If he had to fake his own death, move to South America,
 > and spend millions of Net.si treasure to build himself a cybernetic
 > body, he would have vengance, assuming that he didn't just write
 > it off as a life lesson well learned.

Heeheehee.

 > Jeff J McCoskey with considerable Badger Help
 > (As an excercise at home, pick out the portions by each author!  Hint:  you
 > won't be sleeping during Badge's stuff.)

Aw, now, you're both good

 >   "It's OK," wReamhack told his teammates, "we're going to advance the
 > plot in this Annual. [IMPLO cancelled _Generation Y_ in Generation Y #8
 > --MFP]"
 >   "Can we do that?" Bizarre Boy asked.
 >   "There's precedent," wReamhack explained.  "The last New Mutants
 > Annual came out after the series was cancelled."
 >   "I hope we don't come back as Y-Force," Bad-Timing Boy mused.

Good points and good banter.

 >   "We're going to have to get the Ring of Retcon," wReamhack said firmly.
 > "Thing is, there's only one of it amongst all the different net.realities
 > so it's present location could be in a different timeline."
 >   "What?!" Bizarre Boy asked.  "What if the timeline containing the
 > Ring of Retcon were to diverge?  Don't you get different Rings of Retcon
 > amongst the various timelines?"
 >   "Don't ask me!" wReamhack complained.  "I don't write this stuff!"

Oh man, this *always* bothered me. How can there be a What If? about the Serpent 
Crown if it's a multiversal singularity? How many times must Unicron implode? He 
must be reeeeeeally sick of it by now.

 >   "OK, everybody tell me who you are."
 >   "Ba-aaa-aaa-ad-Singing Bo-ooo-ooo-oy!"
 >   "LurkerwReam" came a voice seemingly from nowhere.
 >   "KID CAPITALIZE!"

Heeheehee

 >   "OK, let's hear it."
 >   "Bad-Poetry Boy you see... because Bad-Poetry Boy I be!"

Not, I assume, related.

 >   "Nevermind.  Do you think you could re-retcon things back to normal."
 >   WriterwReam shook his head.  "Sorry, I don't have time.  I haven't
 > even been reading LNH stuff lately.

D'oh!

 >   Continuity Champ Junior grimaced.  "They're dead... unless."
 >   "Unless what?" Squeaky Clean asked.
 >   Continuity Champ held up the fist which had the Ring of Retcon.
 > "Using this I could see to it that we were already there!"
 >   "No!" wReamhack insisted.  "You're a Guardian of Continuity,
 > remember?  You can't allow yourself to be tempted by the ring into
 > shaping continuity to suit your own designs!  You'd be just like
 > the Time Crapper!"

Somebody should come back to this in modern continuity.

 >   wReamicus Maximus placed the ring on his finger.  "Time Crapper!
 > Legionaires!  You've all been played as pawns!  Now I, wReamicus
 > Maximus, am the Lord of Time!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
 >   wReamicus Maximus raised his fist and all of reality trembled.

Man, this story has a lot of bad guys.

Drew "sorta like the Cosmic Plot Device Caper that way" Perron