RACCIES: 2015 (22nd Annual) RACCies Ceremony

[the-deeman at webtv.net]

On Sunday, June 12, 2016 at 7:15:41 PM UTC-4, Scott Eiler wrote:
> Author's Note:  12 June 2009 was when I introduced myself to RACC with a 
> story.  I eventually republished that story as a Powernaut comic, 
> guest-starring a representative of LNH20.  So, within my realities, the 
> Museum of Ordered Realities notes that date to be First Contact with the 
> Looniverse.
> 
> On this seventh anniversary, I'm proud to have worked with Drew to bring 
> you this ceremony.
> 
> (signed) Scott, 12 June 2016.
> 
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
> 
> The Hyper-Piper of Hypergaard was dressed in a dark green tuxedo.  He 
> walked up to Ares, dressed in a similar dark brown tuxedo.
> 
> The Hyper-Piper said, "Heh.  We contested over cosmic-level awards for 
> over a century.  It's amusing to see the *mortals* contest over these 
> for once.  Especially since this year will be special."
> 
> "It will.  But this is a place of truce, so I must tell you that I am 
> not the Ares you know."
> 
> The Hyper-Piper squinted...  "Oh, right.  *Godling's* Ares."
> 
> "Nay, he is *my Godling*!"
> 
> "Whatever...  Would you join me in my private hyper-observation box for 
> the ceremony nonetheless?  I would be sad to observe this spectacle 
> without an Ares.  I expect many amusing guests.  And I brought hyper-wine."
> 
> "Done!"
> 
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
>                       RACCies of Champions 2015!
>                                PRELUDE!
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
> 
> 
> Lydia Devin was used to the RACCies by now.  She tried to go down the 
> aisle to her seat among Nominees as usual.
> 
> But then the skies broke open.  A Celestial Being broke through. 
> "GODDESS!  YOU ARE NEEDED!"
> 
> "Aww, crap, again?  Any choice here?"
> 
> "NO."  Lydia ascended.
> 
> On the other end, she saw the other Cosmic Powers.  One was an oldish 
> woman, holding a flask of green liquid.  She said, "Greetings, fellow 
> Goddess.  I am Mother Time."
> 
> Lydia decided to be respectful.  "Greetings, Mother Time Goddess... 
> Who's that one?"  She pointed at a floating transparent blue baby filled 
> with stars.
> 
> "Young Goddess, that one calls themself Chaos Theory.  They merely 
> *self-identify* as a baby."
> 
> "'They'?  Is there more than one?"
> 
> "No, they just like to call themselves that.  Yet they, like us, have 
> the power of a Reigning God.  Below *those*, of course."  Mother Time 
> pointed up.
> 
> Lydia's Celestial Being was there, with three others.  Four 
> RACCelestials had assembled.
> 
> Mother Time responded as Lydia looked back down.  "Young Goddess, you 
> know of the RACCie Awards.  The RACCelestials are for the first time 
> *breaking in* to them."
> 
> The baby-god Chaos Theory broke in.  "They've come to decide whether 
> RACCies get to exist ever again!  They say there's a Drama Force that's 
> dragging RACCies down!  Plus an Apathy Force that makes just *Four 
> Writers* decide the awards!  The Powers shall abolish *both* these forces!"
> 
> Lydia smirked at the baby-god.  "I get this Drama Force, and I'm not the 
> one to fight the Apathy Force...  But narrow the other stuff down.  Do 
> those Celestials mean, no awards?"
> 
> "No!  They say, No Drama!"
> 
> "What about Apathy?"
> 
> "*They* can't fight the Apathy Force either!  If it goes on forever, it 
> means universes don't exist!"
> 
> Mother Time spoke.  "There seem to be four directions for this metaverse 
> now.  Those are Order vs. Chaos, and Apathy vs. Drama."
> 
> Lydia shrugged.  "Okaay...  No arguing about any of that.  So, No Drama 
> right now, or *ever*?  We're having RACCies *right now.*"
> 
> Chaos Theory shrieked back up...  "They're still deciding about this 
> year!  And the future!"
> 
> Lydia covered her ears.  "Whatever...  Worrying about the future sucks. 
> But since we're getting people here for RACCies *right now*, maybe I 
> could *bring some of them here* to help decide about *this year*??"
> 
> Chaos Theory was silent.  Mother Time said, "This is allowed.  As the 
> Apathy Force says that four people decide the awards, so the Drama Force 
> says four Gods and Goddesses may gather to judge their fate, and four 
> humans may argue before us."
> 
> "I count *three* Gods and Goddesses here... but bringing more of *those* 
> just isn't my job.  How about that *people* thing?"
> 
> Mother Time nodded.  And so Lydia gestured below.
> 
> ...
> 
> Nerf Girl was yanked up from the Monitor Board of LNH Headquarters.  She 
> was a teenage girl in a skintight garish outfit, with a Nerf sword at 
> the ready.  (Her home universe was designated "LNH20", not the most 
> popular LNH.  She didn't know.  She wouldn't have cared.)
> 
> Captain Fucking Awesome... was being Fucking Awesome!  She stood out 
> among pirates of the seaways, spaceways, airways, and worldways - for 
> she was East Asian with long white hair, with a magic *toy* blade!  But 
> someone pulled her away from that...  Fucking Bogus!  (Her universe was 
> apparently "LNH2".  She didn't know.  She wouldn't have cared.)
> 
> Password Lord was on a mission, with his teammates Front Page Kami and 
> King UID.  Together they were undefeatable.  But he was yanked up... 
> His teammates were left behind!  (His universe was Alt.Er.Net 
> Nit.I.verse.  If he knew, he didn't care right then.)
> 
> Toejam used to drive a tour bus, full of dancers and superhumans. 
> They'd hired him *despite* his weird superhuman power, but it had come 
> in handy.  He was retired now, near the icy shores of Lake Michigan in 
> Wisconsin.  When the summons came, he was at his local bar.  He shrugged 
> at his fellow patrons, and just said, "Gotta go."  He'd heard of 
> universes; he even knew his was called SW10.  He didn't care.  He was 
> ready for just about anything.
> 
> ...
> 
> Nerf Girl, Captain Fucking Awesome, Password Lord, and Toejam stood 
> before three towering figures:  a floating glowing baby, a middle-aged 
> woman in a toga, and a young woman in black.  The young woman spoke...
> 
> "Ehh, I know you're wondering why I called you here...  Right.  You'd 
> like an introduction.  You can call me Lydia.  And there's a cosmic 
> trial going on, between Apathy and Drama.  You can't really imagine how 
> big this trial is.  But your universes depend on Drama.  And you're here 
> to testify why your universes should still exist...  Go!"
> 
> There was an outcry, to which she responded...  "No offense.  My 
> universe was even crappier than yours.  At least, that's what *I* say. 
> And it's pretty much dying from Apathy.  Fine with me."  She turned to 
> the older woman.  "Any chance you can go kill *that* one now?"
> 
> "No."
> 
> "Figured.  Anyway, now I'm *here*.  I hate to say it, but I'd rather 
> have Drama than Apathy right now."
> 
> The older woman spoke, "Some order might be appropriate..."  She pointed 
> at Password Lord.  "You!  Why is *your* universe worthy to exist due to 
> Drama?"
> 
> Password Lord slightly cringed for a moment, but then stood erect.  "I 
> reject this dichotomy!  I instead question whether anything *outside* my 
> universe has a right to exist for *any* reason!  *My* universe has no 
> need of you!"
> 
> Captain Fucking Awesome joined in, "Neither does mine!  Unless we can 
> send a fucking pirate *boarding party* and raid your treasure!"
> 
> Nerf Girl spoke up.  "I get it!  We *all* have universes, and we all 
> exist!  We don't ask whether we're *worthy* to exist, we just do!"
> 
> There was a moment of silence.  Then Toejam joined in... "Yeah.  I heard 
> about this universe stuff.  If you're trying to stamp it out for some 
> reason, it's like stamping out labor.  Maybe you win, but then who 
> *works* for you?  And if you want to stamp out *universes*, then what?"
> 
> Mother Time responded.  "You have all spoken well.  And so, *this* 
> ceremony may continue."
> 
> The four visiting heroes briefly cheered, but they quieted as Mother 
> Time continued. "However, the RACCelestials still insist, Drama *will* 
> be judged in these ceremonies.  Each award will correspond to a contest. 
>   You will observe several contests concerning whether Drama *survives*."
> 
> "Huh?"
> 
> "Oh, surely you have heard of Contests of Champions.  There are 
> twenty-five awards at stake in this ceremony.  The RACCelestials have 
> secretly chosen their champions for each award.  And they have decreed, 
> each award will be a true contest to determine who is the most worthy. 
> So shall this be a *RACCies* Contest of Champions."
> 
> Toejam asked, "What kind of contests?"
> 
> Mother Time spoke, "Even I do not know.  Only the RACCelestials know."
> 
> Nerf Girl asked, "Are we in the contests?"
> 
> "No."
> 
> Password Lord spoke...  "Then why are we here?"
> 
> Mother Time spoke, "The part of you four Earth mortals is done.  You 
> shall observe the contests from beyond."
> 
> She gestured.  Nerf Girl, Captain Fucking Awesome, Password Lord, and 
> Toejam together arrived in a burst of energy in a lavish sports arena box.
> 
> There, a long-haired man in a green tuxedo greeted them.  "Ah, I see my 
> guests have arrived.  You may call me Hyper-Piper."
> 
> ...
> 
> The glowing blue cosmic baby came forth from among the Cosmic Powers, 
> and started speaking to the worlds ...
> 
> "Hello, RACC!  My name is Chaos Theory!  I may look like something 
> that's not on any birth certificate, but I don't feel the need to 
> explain myself!  Let me introduce my fellow Emcees...  Mother Time!" 
> The oldish woman nodded.
> 
> "You know this one...  Lydia Devin!"  The youngish woman nodded, and 
> then raised her hands slightly and shrugged.
> 
> "And finally...  Mother Time, if you could do the honors with that flask 
> in your hands!"
> 
> The oldish woman held high a flask of garish green liquid.  Some kind of 
> energy bolts came out of her eyes at the flask.  Something emerged 
> beyond it... a bubbling green pool of slime.  It erected itself in 
> blob-like form but godlike proportions, alongside the three other Higher 
> Powers.  Chaos Theory continued, "I introduce, the Primordial Force of 
> Earth Life!"
> 
> There was some very scattered clapping, as Chaos Theory contined. 
> "Mother Time and Primordial Force will be working with us, to bring back 
> *every nominee* who otherwise wouldn't be with us!  That's right! 
> Together we will conquer Death, just for today!"  More clapping.
> 
> "So now we present a very *special* awards ceremony..."
> 
>                         o  o  o  o  o  o  o
>                  o  o  o     The  2015     o  o  o
>            o  o  o  o  -->(*22ND* Annual)<--  o  o  o  o
>                  o  o  o  RACCie  AWARDS!  o  o  o
>                         o  o  o  o  o  o  o
> 
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
>                       RACCies of Champions 2015!
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
> ...
> 
> The glowing blue baby-god Chaos Theory started the ceremony...  "For 
> those just joining us, the RACCies will be decided by contests!  These 
> are the RACCies of Champions!
> 
> "Our first contest is for Reviewers.  We're counting on this contest to 
> give us our insightful commentator for all the other contests!  This 
> contest is apparently...  Show Up for the Award!  So, its winner is... 
> hey, where's Kid Review??  And who's this Psychovant??"
> 
> ** RACC14.  FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE:  Catalog of Earths, 2015 Update! 
> (Accepted by Psychovant the Duck)
> 
> "Uhh.  From the field, we have Sammy the Starfish to interview the 
> winner.  Sammy, over to you!"
> 
> "Yes, sir!... Hello, Mister Duck, and how do you do?"
> 
> "Hello, Mister Starfish, you make me wanna spew!"
> 
> "And how do you feel on this wonderful day?"
> 
> "It just makes me feel as if all is okay!  ... Gah!  You're making me 
> speak in rhyme!"
> 
> "That's right, 'cause a poem is just a good time!  Now come see the 
> Gods, 'cause for you there's a job!"
> 
> "Okay then, I will, for I am a ... DUCK THAT KICKS ASS!  Hah!"
> 
> As Sammy and Psychovant left camera, Chaos Theory took over...  "Okaay. 
> We'll have our new commentator soon.  But there's a contest on!  Team 
> RACCelestial wants to abolish drama from the RACCies forever!  Team 
> Adventurer wants drama to go on!  And the score is..."
> 
> ** Team RACCelestial 1, Team Adventurer 0!
> 
> "Over to Team Adventurer Headquarters, with the Hyper-Piper of Hypergaard!"
> 
> "Thank you, I think."  A long-haired man in a green tuxedo, resembling 
> Movie Loki only more angular, stood inside an arena-style sports box and 
> spoke to a camera.  "I have the Team of Adventurers here:  Toejam, 
> Password Lord, Nerf Girl, and Captain Fucking Awesome!  I'm sure people 
> would love to know what you think about this early win by the Cosmic 
> Powers who want to *shut down* the excitement in the awards for adventure."
> 
> As the others looked at each other, Toejam said, "Whatever."
> 
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
> 
> Chaos Theory spoke to the cameras.  "Ah, here comes our first champion 
> to do the commentary...  Take over, Psychovant!"
> 
> "heh...  Okaaay!"  Psychovant the Duck looked at a teleprompter.  "You 
> say we're having contests for each award?"
> 
> "We are!  Just follow the script!"
> 
> "-yes, master- ..."  Psychovant then sounded chirpy.  "And I'm going to 
> do my darnedest to make this ceremony the most RACCtacular ever!"
> 
> Chaos Theory looked skeptical as Psychovant paused.  But then the duck 
> continued.  "Well then!  We got a real contest for the Best Discussion 
> award!  It's going to be...  Oh, gag, it's a Public Speaking contest 
> judged by the Toastmasters!  Yawn!
> 
> "Our contenders are...  heh, the Ultimate Ninja, representing the Daily 
> LNH Wiki Spotlight!  Next... Hot $#!+!  It's a Naughty Teenage Babe, 
> representing LNH v3!  And finally, uhh, it's a Grouch-creature, 
> representing a visitor from Tumblr!  Yeah, the teleprompter tells me the 
> Higher Powers tracked this guy down!"
> 
> The monitor showed three people (well, two people and one Grouch), each 
> speaking at a podium.
> 
> "So, our winner according to the Toastmasters is..."  Psychovant opened 
> an envelope.  "Crap!  It wasn't a Naughty Teenage Babe!"
> 
> ** RACC17.  BEST DISCUSSION:  The Daily LNH Wiki Spotlight!
> 
> Psychovant continued... "Oh, we have someone special to give this gift 
> to the Ultimate Ninja... It's Nicholas!  As in, the saint!"
> 
> The camera cut to a bald white-bearded man in a red sheepskin coat, 
> holding out an award to a man in a ninja outfit plus red and white 
> striped shorts.  As he presented the award, Nicholas said, "Ho."  The 
> Ultimate Ninja said, "Okay."
> 
> Chaos Theory broke in.  "The Gods have spoken again!  Team RACCelestial 
> pulls even farther ahead in their drive to expel drama from the RACCies!"
> 
> ** Team RACCelestial 2, Team Adventurer 0!
> 
> "And from Team Adventurer headquarters, we have Ares now!  Ares, how's 
> the team reacting to this latest loss?"
> 
> A large man in a brown tuxedo extended a microphone toward a female 
> pirate with long white hair.  "How *do* you feel about this, Captain 
> Fucking Awesome?"
> 
> "Fucking stupid contest!"
> 
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
> 
> Psychovant the Duck continued, from the reviewing stand of Higher 
> Powers.  "Okay, we got an award to give for Running Gag now.  And in 
> keeping with the award, the contest is...  Perform a gag!  And our 
> contestants are...  Crap, what's Spanker 4 doing *here*??"
> 
> Chaos Theory projected his voice.  "Just read the monitor."
> 
> "Whatever:  Our contestents are:  Drew's Ridiculous Wiki Entry Post 
> Titles - represented by Net.Access!  Spanker 4 - represented by Spanker 
> 4!  And, "The pretense that we'll all be able to keep this up and won't 
> inevitably sink into a morass of apathy and unfinished stories, ha ha 
> haaaaa" - represented by the Grouch-creature from Tumblr!  And our 
> contest is, Do a Gag!"
> 
> The monitor showed on split screen, each contestant standing at an urban 
> street corner with an old lady asking directions.  Then it expanded to 
> show each contestant in turn.
> 
> The Grouch was a fuzzy gray creature in a wooden crate.  He told the old 
> lady, "Back to that last alley, then turn right."  When the old lady 
> left, he said, "Well, those directions always worked for *me.*"  Cue 
> laugh track!
> 
> The Spanker was a large silvery alien life form.  He said, "SPANK!" 
> Then he sent the old lady flying with his paddly appendage.  Cue laugh 
> track, and some closed captioning...  "No old lady was harmed in the 
> making of this video."
> 
> The Net.Access was a normal young woman, albeit in a green and orange 
> costume.  She said, "It's right this way.  I'll show you."  They walked 
> together (the same direction the Spanker had spanked his old lady), and 
> made small talk about modern heroism.
> 
> Psychovant said, "Heh.  I know who I'd vote for.  So, the winner is..." 
> His eyes goggled.  "Net.Access??  Oh, it seems the contest was secretly, 
> *Don't* Do a Gag!"
> 
> **  RACC18.  FAVORITE RUNNING GAG:  Drew's Ridiculous Wiki Entry Post 
> Titles!  RUNNERS-UP:  Spanker 4 and "The pretense that we'll all be able 
> to keep this up and won't inevitably sink into a morass of apathy and 
> unfinished stories, ha ha haaaaa"!
> 
> "These trophies will be presented by the Green Knight.  Take it away, 
> *other* robot creature!"
> 
> Back at the street corner, the three contestants were waiting.  A 
> human-sized green robot with an emerald on his head walked to them, with 
> three trophies.  "Congratulations, contestants!  Net.Access, what do you 
> think of this award?"
> 
> As the Green Knight handed Net.Access her award, she gushed.  "I believe 
> this shows the lasting value of heroism in a world which believes in 
> cheap thrills!"
> 
> "Net.Access, I couldn't agree more.  And you, Grouch?"
> 
> "Bah."  The Grouch grabbed his RUNNER-UP trophy from the Green Knight's 
> outstretched hand.
> 
> "I understand.  And you, Spanker?"  The Green Knight held out the other 
> RUNNER-UP trophy.
> 
> "SPANK!"  Spanker 4 grabbed his trophy with one paddle-shapped 
> appendage, and spanked the Green Knight over the horizon with the other.
> 
>  From the review stand, Psychovant took over.  "All right!  Now here's 
> the contest total...  Oooh, the Powers That Be weren't expecting that 
> result either!  Team Adventurer is on the board!"
> 
> ** Team RACCelestial 2, Team Adventurer 1!
> 
> Psychovant said, "Hey, Spanker 4, come on up to the review stand!  We 
> got a job for you!"
> 
> Chaos Theory said, "We do??"
> 
> "Sure!  Roving Color Commentator!  Just look at that gag of his!  And 
> just think of all the people who need that!"
> 
> "Whatever... I guess I *am* named after *Chaos*.  Come on up!"
> 
> Spanker 4 said, "MERGE!"  He moved off-monitor.
> 
> Psychovant said, "He's coming this way!  Now to the hero box with Team 
> Adventurer!"
> 
>  From the viewing box, the Hyper-Piper spoke to Team Adventurer.  "I see 
> how these interviews are going...  Do you have anything to say, now that 
> your team is starting to make points?"
> 
> Nerf Girl responded, "Whoopee.  Higher Powers usually find a way to do 
> whatever they want to anyway."
> 
> "Indeed.  That's what we do.  But humans tend to do that too, as does 
> all sentient life...  Back to you, Higher Powers!  You too, Duck."
> 
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
> 
> And so Psychovant continued.  "Next up, the Doctor Stomper Bronze Boot 
> for Excellence in Exposition!  Our contenders are:  Some new nameless 
> Cosmic Power, representing Looniverse Chronicles #6!  And, Julie Ann 
> Justice, representing Nonfiction #5 which is titled, Justice for Julie 
> Ann Justice!  Oh, let *me* justice throw in the word Justice a few more 
> justice times!  And our contest is...  Identify Constellations as Viewed 
> from Earth!"
> 
> The monitor showed an alien human-like woman and a nebulous blob of 
> light, each looking at pictures of constellations in turn.
> 
> Psychovant opened an envelope.  "And our winner is... Looniverse 
> Chronicles #6!"
> 
> ** THE DOCTOR STOMPER BRONZE BOOT FOR EXCELLENCE IN EXPOSITION: 
> Looniverse Chronicles #6 [LNH]!  RUNNER-UP:  Nonfiction #5 [8FOLD]!
> 
> "Now we go to Cynical Lass, presenting the awards!"
> 
> A woman in jeans and a long gray sweatshirt, smoking a cigarette, 
> appeared on monitor and held the awards.  She just said, "Whatever."
> 
> Cosmic Power swallowed the winner trophy, and disappeared.  Julie Ann 
> Justice took the RUNNER-UP trophy, and said, "I'd like to thank everyone 
> who believes in justice and freedom for humanity!"
> 
> Cynical Lad responded, "Whatever."
> 
> Psychovant said, "The Powers are getting powered back!  The RACCies of 
> Champions stands at..."
> 
> ** Team RACCelestial 2, Team Adventurer 2!
> 
> In the Team Adventurer box, Ares held a microphone toward Password Lord. 
>   "Any comment?"
> 
> "Just...  Whatever happens, whatever Powers do, we'll circumvent it 
> somehow.  That's what humanity does!"
> 
> "And that's why gods like me pick humans as our warriors!  ... Back to 
> you, Review Stand!"
> 
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
> 
> "All right!  This is Psychovant the Duck, going on with the RACCies! 
> I'm joined by our new color commentator, Spanker 4!  Spanker, what do 
> you have to say about how these awards are going?"
> 
> "SPANK!"
> 
> "I love how you think!  Now we have the Web Page Award!  Our contenders 
> are:  The LNH Wiki, represented by Wiki Boy!  The Pipermail Eyrie 
> Archive, represented by Everyone!"  The monitor cut to a camera view of 
> every Writer and Commentator in RACC ever.  "Then there's...  Oh, crap, 
> the Powernaut's in the running!  Powernaut *1985* is showing up for the 
> contest, courtesy of Mother Time over here!"  The elder Goddess nodded. 
> "And finally, Ripping Off King Arthur, represented by Learny Chainsawrf! 
>   And the contest is...  Trivia!"
> 
> The monitor showed to four characters at Jeopardy-style stands.  One 
> character was flashing through Everyone.  But Wiki Boy was racking up 
> points.
> 
> "And the winner is..."
> 
> ** THE "SPIDER SPINS!" LITTLE LULU WEB PAGE AWARD:  The LNH Wiki!
> 
> "SPANK!"
> 
> Psychovant chuckled.  "That's right, Spanker 4, that sure was a 
> spanking!  Now to present this award, we have Professor Morgan 
> Lafayette!  Must be here 'cause she's a trivia genius or something."
> 
> An attractive, tastefully-dressed middle-aged woman in slacks spoke into 
> a microphone.  "Oh, I have some knowledge..."  She turned and gave an 
> award to Wiki Boy.  "You're a winner today!"
> 
> "If you say so!"  Wiki Boy morphed to resemble Charlie Sheen.
> 
> "... Eww.  Back to you in the stand!"
> 
> "Right!  I got yer winner right here!"  Psychovant continued... "And so 
> do the gods!"
> 
> ** Team RACCelestial 3, Team Adventurer 2!
> 
> "Anything from Team Adventurer?"
> 
> In the viewing box, Ares and the Hyper-Piper looked blankly at Password 
> Lord, Toejam, Nerf Girl, and Captain Fucking Awesome.  The heroes looked 
> blankly back.
> 
> "... Okay!  Five awards down, twenty to go!  Next award, please!"
> 
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
> 
> "Next up, we hame some serious awards about Writers!  Starting with, 
> Favorite Writer!  Our contenders are:  Colin Stokes, represented by 
> Fn'ordh the Demon!  Tom Russell, by the Blue Boxer!  George Phillies is 
> sending Speaker Ming in!  And Rob Rogers has sent EDM Lite!  Has anyone 
> ever seen Rob Rogers and EDM Lite together?"  Psychovant turned to 
> Spanker 4.
> 
> "MERGE!"
> 
> "... yup, maybe they *do* just merge.  But anyway, their contest is... 
> Crossword Puzzles!  They've each been given the same puzzle, so it's a 
> plain old race!  Let's check those monitors now!  ... oooh, it looks 
> close, but it's finishing up now!  We've got a winner, and it looks like 
> a RUNNER-UP too!"
> 
> The monitors showed Fn'ordh flourishing a fountain pen as he finished 
> his puzzle.  The Blue Boxer erased one last square, then filled it in 
> ten seconds later.
> 
> "Huh.  Who'd have guessed either of *them* were so good at 
> problem-solving?  But here we go!"
> 
> ** RACC1.  FAVORITE WRITER:  Colin Stokes!  RUNNER-UP:  Tom Russell!
> 
> "And to present this award, we have one of those old-time problem 
> solvers...  a nameless cop from Victorian London, courtesy of The 
> Continentals!  Take it away, Nameless Cop!"
> 
> "Righty.  People underestimate how smart we working-class guys are, but 
> I bet I could solve some crime if those detectives weren't always 
> underfoot...  Wot was this about, then?"
> 
> Fn'ordh smirked.  "You were about to compliment the two of us on our 
> wordsmithing skills."
> 
> "Righty."  The cop shoved the awards at Fn'ordh and the Blue Boxer.  "Be 
> off with you then!"
> 
> Blue Boxer said, "Yes, sir."  Fn'ordh merely raised his eye ridges while 
> still smirking, and gave a parting salute with two fingers.
> 
> Psychovant said, "Team Adventurer has tied it up again!"
> 
> ** Team RACCelestial 3, Team Adventurer 3!
> 
> "Now let's check in with Team Adventurer again...  Any change there?"
> 
> The Hyper-Piper responded.  "Ares and I are going to try something 
> different.  Every time Our Heroes decline to comment, the two of *us* 
> take a swig of hyper-wine!  Ready... Go!"
> 
> As Ares and the Hyper-Piper raised their glasses, Password Lord said, 
> "Hey, wait a minute..."
> 
> "Too late!", said Ares as they took their drinks.
> 
> "Ahhh... Better luck next time!", the Hyper-Piper joined in.  "Back to 
> you, Duck."
> 
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
> 
> "Awright!  Now we got the Favorite Person Award!  The real contenders 
> this year are...  Arthur, Drew, and Russ!  For this contest, they've 
> sent...  Eggplant the Miracle Komodo Dragon!  The Clever Girl from the 
> Dinosaur Lab!  And, well, FAQ Boy."  A monitor showed one human sitting 
> in a room with two reptiles.  "And the challenge is...  Find Your 
> Relatives!"
> 
> FAQ Boy said, "Huh?"
> 
> Clever Girl (the dinosaur) said, "Thanks to our swarming instinct, we 
> can do this."  The room started to rumble.
> 
> But even as the first of the dinosaur swarm arrived, the room filled 
> with Miracle Pets!  Komodo smirked as Jalapeno the Fourth of July 
> Miracle Cat yelled, "Arriba!  It's a RACCies Miracle!"
> 
> Psychovant said, "Well, there you have it."
> 
> **  RACC16.  FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC:  Arthur Spitzer! 
> RUNNER-UP:  Drew Perron!
> 
> "And since this is such a holiday, we got Nicholas to present again!"
> 
> "Well, ho then.  I like *every* holiday, and they're all here!"
> 
> FAQ Boy pointed out, "*Except* Christmas.  *That* Miracle Pet's still dead."
> 
> "That's fine.  Christmas is pretty well covered already."  Nicholas put 
> the Winner trophy in front of Eggplant, and handed the RUNNER-UP trophy 
> to the dinosaur.  "And you *are* such a clever girl!"
> 
> Back in the review stand, Psychovant guffawed, "Awww...  Over to the 
> hero booth!  Team Adventurer just pulled ahead in their drive to keep 
> drama in the RACCies!  Anything from Team Adventurer here?"
> 
> ** Team RACCelestial 3, Team Adventurer 4!
> 
> Ares and the Hyper-Piper sat on stools next to Password Lord and Toejam. 
>   The two heroes were holding the two glasses of wine, as Ares asked, 
> "Ho then, any comment *this* time?"
> 
> "Sure."  Password Lord led.  "Told you so."  He raised his glass.
> 
> "Wait!"  Nerf Girl burst in.  "They said it was hyper-wine!  How do we 
> know that's not *magic* wine or something?"
> 
> Toejam smiled.  "Maybe I could have my *friend* taste one."  He raised 
> his right foot, which he'd unclad.
> 
> Captain Fucking Awesome held her nose.  "Fuck, that stinks!"
> 
> "But it sure comes in handy."  Toejam pulled at one of his smallest 
> toes.  Its toenail came off.  Then it grew a new toe around it, and 
> started growing.  At six inches tall, Toejam put it down.  By five feet 
> tall, it had arms and feet of its own.
> 
> The Hyper-Piper smirked.  "So how does it drink?"
> 
> "I can help it with that."  Toejam drained the glass, then looked at the 
> huge little toe.
> 
> The nail started dripping reddish-brown bubbles.  The toe swayed a 
> bit...  but then it stood up again, much cleaner!  Toejam said, "He 
> says, don't have much, but it's good stuff."
> 
> "Cheers, then!"  Password Lord drained his glass.  Then he fell off his 
> stool.
> 
> As Nerf Girl helped him back up, Toejam shrugged.  "Guess we can't all 
> be as strong as my little toe."
> 
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
> 
> "Right!  This is Psychovant the Duck again, with the Most Improved 
> Author contest!  We got:  Ben Rawluk, represented by Bad Poetry Boy! 
> Mike Friedman, who sent in Austin Allen!  And finally George Phillies, 
> who sent in the Possessor of the Namestone!  I'm guessin' this contest 
> is a Scavenger Hunt...  Oops, it's a Poetry Slam!"
> 
> The monitor showed two men and a woman, standing at microphones.  One 
> man recited - and the other two got knocked over, away from him!
> 
> Psychovant looked up, way up, toward the Writers looming over even the 
> Cosmic Powers and the RACCelestials.  "Really, Writer?  You had to write 
> a *real poetry slam*??"
> 
>  From the sky came a deafening shrug, until Lydia Devin interrupted.  "I 
> think the Writers want you to just get on with the award, Duck."
> 
> "Okaaaay..."  Psychovant looked at the teleprompter.  "Big surprise 
> result here...  We got RUNNERS-UP!"
> 
> "Now who's presenting?  ... It's the Grouch-Creature from Tumblr!"
> 
> A delivery man carted a brown wooden crate into the poetry contest room. 
>   A fuzzy gray creature popped its head out, and cupped three trophies 
> in its large hands.  "Okay awready, I'm here to present...  Come 'n' get 
> 'em!"
> 
> Psychovant said, "Hey, Grouch, I like your style.  Wanna join my team?"
> 
> "Up yers, rubber ducky!  I'm outta here!"  The delivery man turned 
> around and wheeled the Grouch out.
> 
> The duck rolled its cyborg cartoon demon duck eyes.  "Oh well, maybe 
> *Team Adventurer* will talk to me now, 'cause they're pulling ahead!"
> 
> ** Team RACCelestial 3, Team Adventurer 5!
> 
> Nerf Girl spoke for the team.  "Oh yeah, we're enjoying this now... 
> Remember, everyone, just a sip!"  They each drank.
> 
> Captain Fucking Awesome swayed a bit and raised her glass, half-empty. 
> "Fuck yeah!"
> 
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
> 
> "Okay!  Psychovant the Duck with the next award...  Favorite New Writer! 
>   Contestants are... errr..."
> 
> Chaos Theory grimaced.  "Skip this one, creature.  There *are* no 
> contestants."
> 
> "Oh yeah?"  Psychovant pointed, at a growing blob of darkness. 
> "*Something's* come to claim the award!"
> 
> "Watch out!"  Mother Time gestured, and the blob stopped.  "... That was 
> Darkness.  *Ultimate* Darkness.  I sense it was somehow propelled by 
> Apathy Force.  Fortunately I have frozen time around it."
> 
> Lydia Devin said, "Really?  Around *all* of Ultimate Darkness??  I don't 
> think so."  Then she pointed.  Ten more blobs of darkness erupted, and 
> coalesced into one.
> 
> Psychovant yelled.  "Cripes' sake, give it what it wants!"  He grabbed 
> the RACCie trophy for Favorite New Writer, and threw it at the Darkness.
> 
> Just then, the Darkness pulled back as a humanoid form emerged.  It wore 
> an Earth-male business suit, but had wild protruding hair and vaguely 
> orange skin.  It fumbled with the award, but managed not to drop it.
> 
> Psychovant's jaw dropped.  "Aww, crap.  This is *worse* than Ultimate 
> Darkness."
> 
> Mother Time asked, "Exactly how?"
> 
> Lydia answered, "The duck's right.  That's *Donald Trump!*"
> 
> Trump called up, "Hey, I want some respect here.  *You* can call me 
> *President* Trump."
> 
> "Hey, wait for the election already."  Lydia rolled her eyes.
> 
> "Naaah, President Chump has a point," Pschovant commented.  "On 
> Earth-SW10, he won the *2012* election!"
> 
> Trump raised both his hands in a victory pose.  "And I won with 
> leadership that makes America great again!  Now I'll be bringing my 
> program to the RACCies!  First, a wall to keep New Writers *out* so as 
> to keep more awards for *existing* writers!  I'll be recycling this New 
> Writer award to *build* that wall!"
> 
> Lydia's eyes kept rolling.  "Yeah, *that'll* work."
> 
> Trump kept going.  "That's right!  As a RACCie outsider, I'm the perfect 
> one to make the RACCies finally work!   So, here are the rest of the 
> Writer awards:  *Roll that teleprompter!*  Next, there's this 
> Rabbit-Breeder's Cup... I'll be suspending that award, to reduce the 
> load on our overloaded award system!"
> 
> As the audience murmured, Psychovant said, "No big loss."
> 
> "After that, some Johnny Sokko Giant Robot Loving Cup.  Don't need that 
> one either.  Am I right?"
> 
> Boos erupted from the audience.  Trump yelled, "Throw 'em out!"  The 
> security force started moving at his command.
> 
> As Chaos Theory stared blankly, Mother Time spoke.  "Oh, my.  It's a 
> full-on attack by the Apathy Force to shut down the ceremony!  But it's 
> harnessing the Drama Force somehow!"
> 
> Lydia responded, "Yeah.  Right now Trump's an avatar for Drama, and a 
> carrier for Apathy.  So he's channeling Drama Force *and* Apathy Force. 
> So *we can't stop him.*"  She pointed at the audience.  "But they can!"
> 
> Psychovant nodded.  "Ehh, yeah.  Perfect targets for Drama 'n' Apathy. 
> But they need some help.  Now, what's Trump hate the most?  ... How 
> about old schmaltzy music?  *Everyone* hates that!"
> 
> Lydia nodded.  "Yeah.  But what to sing?"
> 
> "heh. Lemme check my audio library... Got it!"  Psychovant whipped out 
> an audio cable ('cause he's only a 2009 cyborg).  Then he hooked himself 
> up to the sound system.
> 
> The loudspeakers blared out, and the monitor showed lyrics with a 
> bouncing red ball.  "What the world needs now, is Love, Sweet Love..."
> 
> Chaos Theory snickered.  "I get it!"  They turned to the audience. 
> "Everyone, sing along!"
> 
> The monitor switched to Team Adventurer, arms around each other's 
> shoulders, swaying back and forth together, holding their hyper-wine 
> glasses.  "It's the only thing that there's just too little of!"  Ares 
> and the Hyper-Piper raised glasses behind them.
> 
> Switch to three other people on screen.  In a room with a banner 
> "Rabbit-Breeder's Cup - Drinking Contest", three large people (two big 
> men and one big purple woman) also held cups together.  Nametags said, 
> "Imperilus for Scott Eiler", "Chuggernaut for Arthur Spitzer", and 
> "Gracemora the Dorf for Drew Perron".  They joined in.  "What the world 
> needs now, is Love, Sweet Love..."
> 
> Back at the ceremony, President Trump yelled, "Stop it!  I've got 
> reality!  The reality of Making The RACCies Great Again!"
> 
> But the whole audience joined the chorus... "No, not just for some, but 
> for everyone!"
> 
> The monitor cut to another layer of reality, where four absent Writers 
> joined the song.  Captions said, "Johnny Sokko 'Come Back, Giant Robot, 
> Come Back' Nominees:  Nominees:  Jennifer Whitson; Mitchell Crouch; Paul 
> Hardy; Lalo Martins."  They sang... "Lord, we don't need another 
> mountain..."
> 
>  From the RACCie Presenters' Green Room, the whole roomful joined in. 
> Captions said, "Nicholas; Green Knight; Morgan Lafayette; Dragon from 
> the LNHQ20 Basement; Sammy the Starfish; the Grouch from Tumblr; FAQ 
> Boy; Skin of Snake; Henry Stanley Seagull; Professor Penumbra; Monica 
> Jade the Vixen; Brody Dharma; some cop from Victorian London; some 
> cranky woman who hired Jetbird and the Kid; The Babies Won't Save Me 
> Guy; The Thespian portraying Don Juan as the World's Most Interesting 
> Man."  They sang, "There are mountains and hilltops enough to climb!"
> 
>  From the Favorite Ongoing Series Nominees...  Captions said, "Bad 
> Poetry Boy for Dashing Tales"; "Knockout Mouse for Mighty Medley"; 
> "Brian Wells for The Girl Who Saved the World"; "Lacuna for Legion of 
> Net.Heroes Volume 2"; and "Harmony Bizaadii for Tales from Ohio 
> Academy".  They sang, "There are oceans and rivers, enough to cross..." 
> Harmony was dressed for outlandish performing.  Fortunately Bad Poetry 
> Boy let her lead the chorus.
> 
>  From the Favorite Mini-Series Nominees...  Those had gathered on 
> another layer of reality.  Captions said, "Crossover Queen, representing 
> Just Another Multi-Writer Cascade"; "Cosmic Power, from De Profundis"; 
> and "Doom Bear, from Power-Star Comics 1984".  They sang, "Enough to 
> last, 'til the end of time!"
> 
> Grudgingly the Higher Powers joined in.  Mother Time, Chaos Theory, and 
> Lydia all sang, "What the world needs now, is Love, Sweet Love!"
> 
>  From the Favorite Arc Nominees...  Captions said, "The Librarian, from 
> Empress of Pages"; "John Silke, from Seven 'Gainst Thebes"; and "Alice 
> Queen, the Mirror, for A Suicide in Destiny City".  They sang, "It's the 
> only thing that there's just too little of!"
> 
>  From the Favorite Single Issue Nominees...  Captions said, "Julie Ann 
> Justice, Mighty Medley #16, The Last Story"; "Catalyst Lass, Just 
> Another Multi-Writer Cascade #12, Everything Ends"; "LU-62, Coherent 
> Super Stories #37, Louie and the CU-Ts"; "Ted the Time Traveling 
> Atheist, Death of Trophy Wife #6, Ages of Ages".  They sang together, 
> "What the world needs now, is Love, Sweet Love!"  Ted faded in and out, 
> but looked especially lovely in his shimmering dress.
> 
> President Trump covered his ears as the audience sang again, "No, not 
> just for some, but for everyone!"
> 
>  From the Favorite Hero/Protagonist Nominees...  Captions said, "Bad 
> Poetry Boy; Merissa; Blue Boxer; Professor Penumbra".  Bad Poetry Boy 
> held back again, and so did Merissa.  But the others sang, "Lord, we 
> don't need another meadow..."
> 
>  From the Favorite Villain/Antagonist Nominees...  Captions said, "The 
> Crossover Queen; Hokey the Wonderseal; Kid Nosferatu; Marcus".  They 
> sang, "There are corn fields and wheat fields enough to grow!  Arf arf!"
> 
>  From the Favorite Supporting Character Nominees...  Captions said, "Dr. 
> Fay Tarif; Jamal's Goldfish; Lydia Devin".  Lydia shrunk down from among 
> the Cosmic Powers and reluctantly sang with the chorus, "There are sun 
> beams and moon beams enough to shine..."
> 
>  From the Favorite New Character Nominees...  Captions said, "Marco 
> Ramirez, Bad Poetry Boy; Emma Dash; Jamal's Goldfish; Jessica Hernandez, 
> Cab Driver".  They sang, "Oh listen Lord if you want to know!"  Bad 
> Poetry Boy started singing louder.  The speakers started feeding back.
> 
>  From the Favorite Team/Group Nominees came a mass chorus.  Captions 
> said, "The Legion of Net.Heroes - Classic; The Legion of Net.Horrors; 
> The Daylighters; The Eighth Hive".  They sang, "What the world needs 
> now, is Love, Sweet Love!"
> 
> President Trump covered his ears and yelled, "No!  I am your President! 
> You can't just disrespect me like I'm visiting your race track or 
> something!"
> 
> The audience joined in as the chorus repeated.  From the Favorite 
> Parody/Comedy Nominees, others joined.  Captions said, "EDM Lite for the 
> Adventures of Easily-Discovered Man"; "Fearless Leader, for Bite-Size 
> Tales of the LNH v20"; "Triton, for Conclave of Super-Villains the 
> Animated Series"; "Gamer Boy, for LNH Cover Gallery", "Spite Grrrl (and 
> Trux), from Trux and Spite Grrrl Are Dead!".  They sang into 
> microphones, "What the world needs now, is Love, Sweet Love!"  And Gamer 
> Boy held his Insanity Gauntlet high.  From far above, a RACCelestial 
> scowled at his inability to destroy these RACCies.
> 
>  From the Favorite Action/Adventure Nominees...  Captions said, 
> "Shinigami Girl, for Death of Trophy Wife"; "Hotspur, for Infirmary 
> Omega"; "Janie Wells, for The Girl Who Saved the World"; "Trak, for 
> Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2".  They sang, "What the world needs now, 
> is Love, Sweet Love!"  Trak was mouthing the words, and had weapons ready.
> 
>  From the Favorite Drama/Acraphobe Nominees...  Captions said, "Bad 
> Poetry Boy, for Dashing Tales"; "GrimSloth, for the Gallant Appearance 
> of the Total Bastards"; "The Matriarch, for Journey Into"; "Juliet 
> Eisner, for Mighty Medley".  They sang, "What the world needs now, is 
> Love, Sweet Love!"  Bad Poetry Boy didn't hold back this time.  The 
> microphones blew up.
> 
> Back at the RACCies, President Trump cowered and fell to the floor. 
> "No!  Save me, Ross Perot!"
> 
> But the RACCies kept the chorus up.  From the Favorite Story Universe 
> Nominees... Captions said, "Darkhorse, for Eightfold"; "Lucky Chain 
> Letter Lucy, for Classic LNH"; "Janie Wells, for The Girl Who Saved the 
> World"; "Dober-Girl, for the Godlingverse"; "GrimSloth, for the 
> Net.Trenchcoat Brigade". They sang, "What the world needs now, is Love, 
> Sweet Love!"
> 
>  From the Favorite New Title Nominees...  Captions said, "Bad Poetry 
> Boy, for Dashing Tales"; "The Wielder, for The Girl Who Saved the 
> World"; "Jetbird Leone, for Jetbird and the Kid"; "Austin Allen, for The 
> Truth About Fiction".  They sang, "What the world needs now, is Love, 
> Sweet Love!"  Bad Poetry Boy kept pumping out bad song.  And the Wielder 
> matched him with mystic power.
> 
> As if in response, one more bit of Ultimate Darkness sprouted over the 
> RACCies.  Mother Time and Chaos Theory jerked in alarm.  But Lydia Devin 
> said, "I think this one's okay."
> 
>  From the Darkness, the 85-year-old Ross Perot emerged!  He said, "It's 
> never too late to change your mind about an unsuccessful political venture!"
> 
> President Trump took his hand.  "Arrh!  Just take me away!"
> 
> "Okay."  Perot smirked, and yanked Trump back into Darkness.  "But it 
> might not work out well for your political career."
> 
> "... Huh?"
> 
> "But for *politics*, it *is* too late now!  And I should know!"  Perot 
> disappeared into Ultimate Darkness, dragging Trump.
> 
>                   .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
> 
> Mother Time, Chaos Theory, and Lydia Devin looked at each other.  Lydia 
> said, "So what now?"
> 
> Psychovant was still hooked up.  He quacked, "I got results!"  The 
> results scrolled on the arena monitors.
> 
> Chaos Theory squawked.  "Huh?  This is supposed to be a RACCies of 
> Champions!  Where are the contests of champions?"
> 
> Mother Time nodded.  "It is proper to proceed.  These are still 
> Champions, by the will of the Writers."  She looked high above.  Four 
> Writers nodded.
> 
> ** RACC20.  FAVORITE NEW WRITER:  Held in trust for new writers next year!
> - Team RACCelestial 3, Team Adventurer 6!
> 
> ** THE RABBIT-BREEDER'S CUP:  Scott Eiler!  RUNNERS-UP:  Drew Perron and 
> Arthur Spitzer!
> - T...

As fun as this was to read, I god's honestly don't know who won some awards. Can you just post a list of the awards and winners please.

Dee