LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #21: RETCON HOUR Gamma

[Drew Perron]

On 6/7/2016 8:29 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:

<snip>
>   Continuity Champ nodded firmly.  "Alright, Legionaires!  It's
> morphin' time!"

I gotta admit, this is a *great* line to open an episode with. XD

>   "Arrrgh!  Currrse you, Legionaires!"  Squalor's SunStation powered
> up and, in a flash of light, he vanished.

Heeheehee.

> In the several months that they had been a team, he had never seen
> such behavior in his mentor.  It was like he was a whole different person.
>   Echo Lad turned the corner, and nearly bumped into Kid Unknown.

Heeheehee. I mean nothing <.< >.>

>   "Do do do you you you think think think we we we can can can stop stop
> stop Pliable pliable pliable Lad lad lad?" Echo Lad asked hesitantly.
>   "If he was not supposed to be stopped," Kid Unknown said in a lowered
> voice.  "I would not be here."

That is the least helpful way of expressing that sentiment. XD

>   U-Force was teleported from their home dimension into a bizzare
> univese somewhat resembling the Looniverse, and from there, into the
> Looniverse.

Huh. Was this an "I'm not ready to do full-out LNH" thing, or maybe a "I messed 
up and I'm retroactively declaring that not real" thing, or perhaps just a joke 
of some kind...?

  There, U-Force first fought with and later joined the LNH. They
> battled a giant robot, and one of them- Optik- has been paralyzed and must
> wear an exosuit.

A lot of U-Force feels like "I want to just do straightforward early-90s 
superheroes, but the LNH is my community, so I'm just gonna plop it in there?" 
This would be one of the many problems solved by the creation of RACC.

>   Recently, Nightbeast's intitiation fight with Ultimate Ninja went
> incredibly awry, as Ultimate Ninja tried to kill Nightbeast.

Another sign of the Evil UN era.

>   "Why did we get that in the first place, honey?"
>   "It was a wedding present from Continuity Champ Junior, dear. Which
> reminds me, we still have to do those thank-you cards.."
>    "Mmm-hmm." .o(Egads. Thank-you cards.)

This is just a bit adorable.

>   "He was wrong. We've discovered that it was, in fact, *this* universe.
> What you experienced was a variant timestream. The second portal actally
> shifted you into this present timestream."
>   "How did you find this out?"
>   "Contraption Man didn't do a very good job cleaning up after himself."
> Pok hefts a sheaf of files. "He deliberately shifted you into the
> 'alternate' timestream to delay your entry here.

A good use of what you've done to hook into a crossover, tho~

>   "Paul Damant. He got teleported with us into the Looniverse."
>   "Oh," says Organic Lass, "You're the one that's been helping Domestic
> Lad and wReamhack. But... you don't have any powers, though."
>   "That's why I *should* go. No reason to lose anyone good, eh?  I'm the
> right candidate for the job. Expendable."
>   "No way. We can't ask you to put your life on the line for us."
>   "Look, Pocket Man," he began, "being with the LNH these past months has
> taught me a little bit about heroism. You folks risk your lives every day
> for no reward but knowing you've done the right thing.
>   Now, this is going to be one of the few situations in which I might be
> able to help. Let me take the risk. It's what I have to do."

A bit rough around the edges, but still, well-done. :>

>   "Bingo. Even though he *is* a U-Forcer."
>   "Huh?"
>   "Let me explain. Back on our earth, U-Force is the chief superhero group
> in North America. At last count, we had over twenty-five members, and
> that's only including the meta-humans. Backlash is a long-time member-
> heck, he's the commander. But there were only six of us that went through
> the portal. He doesn't belong here."

Ooooooh. I love the idea that the heroes are just one part of a greater context. 
~.~<3<3<3

>   "Now, each universe has an RR-value, or Retcon Resistance Value, that
> measures the ability of that universe to resist attepts to alter the
> timestream. The Looniverse's is quite low, one of the lowest known. Some
> universes, like the Patrollers Universe or Earth-Prime [The one we're
> living on, folks. -TMM], have quite high values, nearly infinite.

a.) I'm-a put this in the wiki! <3
b.) I dunno, the Patrol Universe seems to have undergone a lot of retcons in its 
time. RR-value seems most influenced by the writers' willingness to allow it~

>   "Ahem. Pocket Man, please give us the mission details."
>   "Before we get even more members.", adds Optik under his breath.

Heeheehee

>   A MAXSTIM SPECIAL PRESENTATION:
>   THE OFFICIAL HOW TO VISUALIZE BACKLASH
>   The first in a series of guides helping you, the reader, better picture
> my characters.

Ah! Descriptions! ...these could have gone in the text *but hey*. <3

>   Backlash is in his mid-twenties, and is chubbily muscular- the build of a
> nose guard.

Oh cute. <3

>   Backlash wears a bodysuit, black on the legs and stomach and red on
> the chest and arms. The black area peaks in the middle of the chest and
> slants down at a 45-degree angle, ending at mid-waist. Overtop the
> bodysuit, he wears golden shoulder pads that intersect over the chest.
> Think Triumph from the real recent JLA, but larger and composed of lots of
> horizontal slats. His mask is a bright red bandana- think the Eastman&Laird
> TMNT.

Very 90s, but not in a bad way.

> SWORDMASTER ISSUE NUMBER TWELVE
> Room a Thousand Years Wide

Ooooooh, nice title.

> A couple of lions began reading a book by C.S. Lewis, but didn't
> like the ending at all.

Heeheehee.

>      "Who are you knaves, and what business have you in Camelot?"
>
>      Swordmaster prayed that Bing Crosby wasn't involved in this
> somehow. The last thing he needed was mellow crooning.

*snerk*

>      "They'll go for him, too. Only your magnificence, the Crapped
> Crapper, and we loyal minions are exempted. As you have commanded."
> Drak Sword was beginning to squeak. It was tough, making a progress
> report while holding your breath, but when you happen to be a
> minion of the Time Crapper, especially the later, fully crappy
> crapper, you learn to do it.

Heeheeheehee

> "And stop holding your
> breath!"
>
>      "Yes, master." Dark Sword felt spots bursting into black roses
> in front of his eyes. The colors. Look at the pretty...finally in
> a great gasp, he let the air out and took a deep, shuddering
> breath. "Ahhh, polluted diesel fumes and burning gasoline. Such a
> beautiful smell!"

*snerk* <3 <3 <3

>
>      Just then, a robotic nightmare entered the
> room. It pointed a huge metallic talon at the Evil Retcon
> Duplicates
> of the LIR. "Swordmaster and the LIR is canceled." It intoned.
>
>      "Tell us something we don't know, Jack!"
>
>      "Yeah, we've been in our final story arc since issue seven!"
>
>      "Really?" IMPLO looked around sheepishly. "I don't suppose
> you'd mind picking up the pace a bit on that, would you?"

You know, I never got a good feel of what IMPLO's "cancellation" actually... 
did? XD I suppose that may be the point - he just strides around making dramatic 
pronouncements that don't do anything. (Of course, in other people's books he 
works more proactively, but hey~)

>      The Rac.ctre balanced the latest planet to arrive on top of
> his head, grunting. He was bent around like a pretzel, earths
> butting against every part of his body he could interpose like a
> determined man playing a form of Twister thought up by Nazi Milton
> Bradley workers. And more were coming.

I have had this image in my head for decades and I still love it. I want to 
commission someone to do art for it.

>      He began chanting, his gravelly voice dredging across space-
> time like fingers on a chalkboard. Slowly he began to grow again,
> until he dwarfed the incoming planets. They fit into his massive
> hands, and he began grabbing alternate earth after alternate earth,
> juggling them so they would not collide.
>
>      "Oh, this is getting really bad for my image."

*cackles*

>      "I've never seen a ghostly haunter juggle planets before."
> The Radiant Rollerblader, remember him? Way back in issue ten he
> showed up briefly?

And yet somehow, in my internal calculations, he was a Big Part of the series. 
*shrug??*

> Anyway, due to his Power Almost-Cosmic, he was
> able to watch the desperate gambit (Miss me, chere?)

Heeheeheehee

> "Now, where can
> I go to find people that can help me stop this? Hmmm...HEY! How
> about the Drizztsat?" With a blue flash, he dissapeared.
>
>      On the Drizztsat, a massive game of Jenga was in progress,

I do love this running gag.

>      "You are a poo-poo head, Lance a jerk!"
>
>      "Am not!"
>
>      "Are too!"
>
>      "Let's fight!"
>
>      "KAY!"
>
>      NOTE: That was the writing of little Billy Keane. Let's give
> the boy a hand, shall we? [You are a dead man, Keane.]
>      {Look, I told you he'd be little use to you..}

*snerk* The references are flying thick and fast.

> CAW and Modred set
> up a table offering odds on the fight.
>
>      "Ygraine oddsmakers give Lancelot a three to one favorite
> standing against the mysterious outlander. Place your bets!"
>
>      "Don't get taken, folks! That's just Lance's home royal court
> advantage. Swordmaster'll teach him the true meaning of
> Leaxatalionaddisapathy! C'mon, lay some money on a true winner!"

Heeheehee :3 I love these gags.

> IS IT TRUE? HAVE THE GUYS TIME JUMPED INTO (GASP!) A CAMEO
> APPEARANCE? WHAT TIME PERIOD ARE THEY IN? WILL RODENT EVER GET USED
> TO TIME TRAVEL OR WILL HE JUST HAVE TO EAT LESS ON BIG TRIPS? WHEN
> WILL THE DARK RENEGADES MEET THE RENEGADES? WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THIS
> RACCelestial Madonna CRUD ANYWAY?

I'm imagining the narrator shouting in a William Dozier-esque voice, and then 
switching into a cultured, carefully-inflected, feminine voice for two words.

Drew "Really Fucking Super" Perron