LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #24: Omaha Project -- The Retcon Hours
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Wed Jul 13 11:31:57 PDT 2016
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have the sixth part of RETCON HOUR and the sixth part of the
Chapter 16 of the Omaha Project has Russ "Eagle" Allbery and David
"No Animal Nickname" Anastasion dipping the Omaha Project cascade
into to whole Retcon Hour craziness.
Chapter 17, 18, and 19 are written by me. I think I wrote all this
weird stuff during the summer between highschool and college. I
believ this was my attempt to write a David R Henryish type story
and parts of it I guess were inspired by a Seinfeld episode. If
Russ and David's chapter attempted to try and and make sense of all
the madness in the Omaha Project, I'd say my chapters attempted to the
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
Omaha Project -- The Retcon Hours
"When Crossovers Collide"
Russ Allbery (windrider at cs.stanford.edu)
[ Continuity note: This story takes place immediately after Pliable Lad
Annual #1 and before Robot Invasion. It also takes place at the same
time as Generation Y Annual #1, at the same time as Omaha Project #6,
and just before Pliable Lad #17. Oh yeah, and it's a Robot Invasion and
Retcon Hour tie-in. -- rra ]
One by one, the citizens of Omaha fell to the shades. Joggers,
street scum, grandfathers, businessmen: they all dropped whatever they
were doing as their eyes went suddenly blank and their faces split in
maniacal grins. In seconds, the entire city would lose it's free will.
The man sometimes known as Average Joe was walking through downtown
Omaha towards the capital, scanning the windows for anything that caught
his eye. He glanced down at his watch for a moment to make sure he
wouldn't be late refilling the meter for his parking place, failing to
notice the ripple go through the crowd. Just twenty feet away, a man's
eyes went blank and he looked up and grinned...
...and then something happened.
For a brief moment, the universe turned inside out. Some subtlely
powerful force swept through Omaha, slowed momentarily over the shades,
and then rolled across the cornfields like a wave. With almost inhuman
intelligence, it struck directly at the root of the disturbance. A pocket
of scrambled reality suddenly disappeared and, like a magnet, jumped
towards the largest disturbance in the vicinity. Three months in the
An almost audible scream tore the air above Omaha, and with a jerk
thousands of heads cleared. People rubbed their eyes, looked around in
confusion, and started muttering about daydreaming. Slowly people started
going back to their everyday business.
Average Joe looked up from his watch and glanced at the people
walking down the sidewalk and coming out of the stores.
"This is a good place for a vacation."
"Another contact with the team in Net.braska, Sir."
"Put them on."
"Samuel Anderson, Team 4 reporting. The energy source disappeared."
"It did WHAT?!?"
"A few moments ago, all of the readings suddenly dropped back to
normal. We immediately came to the crater to investigate, and there's
nothing here, Sir."
"What do you mean, nothing?"
"There's an installation at the bottom of the crater that has been
almost completely destroyed, but there's no sign of any kind of energy
source. We found the remains of a heavily shielded room, but it was
completely empty, Sir."
"Brief Ms. Jayse when she arrives. I want to find out what happened
to that energy source as soon as possible. Do you understand?"
Tour Guide Girl's anguished cry splits the air as Parking Karma Kid
tackles Boy Lad. But it is too late. Pliable Lad disappears into the
"What did you do with him, villain?" cries Easily-Discovered Man.
Parking Karma Kid pinned Boy Lad to the ground, but he seems totally
unphased. "I bet you'd like to know, wouldn't you?" he says with a
Drifter moves towards Boy Lad, his trenchcoat swirling menacingly.
"You'd better tell us what you did." His voice is cold and flat.
Boy Lad throws off Parking Karma Kid with deceptive ease and gets to
his feet. "It won't matter...you can't reach him. He's never coming
"no..." With a sob, Tour Guide Girl collapses to her knees.
"WHY YOU--" Parking Karma Kid's sentence turns into a scream of rage
as he leaps at Boy Lad.
Parking Karma Kid crashes hard into Boy Lad and they both hit the
ground. Slightly disoriented, Parking Karma Kid tumbles over Boy Lad's
head, straight toward the distortion.
"Wha--what happened? Hey, the distortion was over there!?"
"Quick, Lite, grab him!" Easily-Discovered Man made a lunge for
Parking Karma Kid and caught his foot. EDM Lite managed to grab an arm.
==No! Get back!==
Windrider's mental call is too late. Parking Karma Kid hits the
distortion area and all three of the heroes are pulled in.
As Parking Karma Kid hit the force wave, he could feel the turbulance.
The wave was focused entirely on the vote for rec.arts.comics.creative, an
event that was now in the past. The direction of the wave had enormous
momentum and wouldn't change suddenly, so it was doubled back on itself,
creating hundreds of ripples in the timestream.
Parking Karma Kid skipped over and slammed through the inter-
dimensional turbulance. He had just enough time to remember that everyone
was in tune with their native timestream and to hope that would be enough
to take him safely back to the same place he left when he hit the end of
the wave. Just as he was exiting, another wave of turbulance hit him from
the side. He bounced across the fabric of the Looniverse, making cameo
appearances in places he could never have been, until the world finally
stabilized around the LNHQ.
PKK breathed a sigh of relief, and then realized that Ultimate Ninja
was pointing towards him.
"Parking Karma Kid, Pliable Lad, Pocket Man, Kid Chivalry, and Echo
Lad: You take the robots in Net.Hampshire."
EDM and EDM Lite lost their grips on PKK as soon as they hit the
force wave, but they managed to grab ahold of each other. PKK just ahead
of them, barely in sight through the swirling light of the vortex. He was
taking the brunt of the turbulance, so they weren't bounced around as
badly. EDM Lite saw PKK go through the end of the force wave. <We're
going to make it!> he thought...
A thousand miles from Net.braska, wReamicus Maximus placed the Ring
of Retcon on his finger.
The force wave, already under immense stress, snapped. EDM and EDM
Lite were slammed by wave after wave of turbulance as the vortex recoiled
like a broken rubber band. The anchors placed on the vortex in Omaha were
three months in the past, and the other end pulled free from the dirt of
the cornfield and lashed back. With a shock that rippled through the
Looniverse, the two ends met...
Two figures in garish costumes worked on a machine in the middle of a
cornfield. The younger one turns to the older and says, "I can't believe
I let you talk me into this."
Seconds after PKK, EDM, and EDM Lite disappear through the
distortion, it vanishes. Boy Lad lays on the ground, apparenly
unconcious. Tour Guide Girl has her head in her hands sobbing, oblivious
to the world around her.
--The vortex moved.--
==Yes...we aren't in the same place we were a few minutes ago.==
==Yes. Not through space, and not through newsgroups...it was
something totally internal to this reality.==
--Can you tell who did it?--
==That's just it...no one did it. It felt like the universe itself
shifted. Almost as if something was about to break a law and it had to
--Where are we now? And who is Boy Lad really?--
==I don't know.==
Boy Lad groans and groggily starts to stand. He glances toward where
the distortion used to be and stops cold when he sees it is gone.
"No...NO!!! The door! It's gone!" He whirls to face Drifter and
Windrider. "What did you do?"
Drifter moves between Touri and Boy Lad. "You are the one who has
been trying to kill our friends."
"It was perfect! PERFECT! And now our chance is gone! You will
pay!" With a look of pure hate, Boy Lad hurls a mental strike at Drifter.
It disperses on Windrider's shield like a breaker hitting a cliff.
==We're in trouble.==
--Why? You seem to be able to stop him.--
==It's not him alone I'm worried about. The shades are back. All of
Although the only thing he can see is the engraged Boy Lad, Drifter
begins to feel like he's being surrounded...
[ To be continued. And yes, there is a reason for the tense shifts
throughout the story. 8-) -- rra ]
"Corn...And All That Stuff..."
Arthur Spitzer (aspitzer at aol.com)
"That's funny, when I was a little tyke infiniti was a whole lot bigger
than that..musta shrunk or something..", a father says while showing
infinite to his son.
To some it's just this big place.
To others it's a really, really big place.
A cold place, yet a place where no heat is needed.
A dark place, yet a place where no light is needed.
A place where all is, yet all is nothing.
A place where jelly bean bags are devoid of those wierd blue one's that
taste like toothpaste, yet a place where jelly bean bags are filled with
nothing but those weird blue ones.
A place where those who argue about its existance are forced to go out
in the real world to get jobs.
The Book of George says little about infinite, only not to bother with
the McDonalds there because the bathrooms always seem to be out of order and
they're always out of milkshakes. Then again though, the Book of George is
a cheap ripoff of the Book of Phil and probably shouldn't be taken
There is no middle to infinity, unless you count that Ma and Pop ripoff
tourist joint back in the late 80's called 'The Middle of Infinity'. It
however was raided in a drug sting operation.
It is a place where one can get a good cup of coffee, but only once.
It is a place that many haved tried to understand and even manipulate,
yet, in doing so, risked madness and a life time supply of blue jelly beans.
So if you're planning on going, you had better bring your Visa Card.
Because here in the deep reaches of infinity they don't take kindly to
depraved deities trying to get free parking. And they don't take American
Visa. It's everywhere, yet nowhere.
(and you thought this was going one of those cologne commercials
Somewhere in a place called infinity there is a body.
The body floats along at a constant pace to nowhere in particular, past
waves of color never seen nor could be imagined even if seen. The body is
that of an athletic man in his early teens. The clothing covering the man's
body is color coordinated, skin tight contrasted by a color coordinated cape
hanging loosely around his neck. On the chest of the man's apparel is a
bold black circle within the circle are large white symbols representing
what appears to be the letters B and L, or a 7 and 8 that were written by a
two year old.
The face of the man is cleanly shaven and his jaw incredibly square.
An intelligent face that shows the wear of many battles and the pain those
battles caused, yet still has a boyish quality to it. A dark mask covers
There is a twitch in the man's fingertips. Several minutes later the
man blinks. It is at this moment that one wonders what would happen right
about now if one were to fill both of the man's hands with whip cream or for
that matter shaving cream. This is however infinity where convienance
stores are far and few.
All of a sudden the man's mouth opens and a horrifying screach is let
"LIZ!!!", or possibly "Cheeze Wiz"
Over the rest of the day the man observes his surroundings and his own
self in puzzlement. Questions tear from his mouth.
"Where Am I??"
"Who Am I??"
"Why Am I??"
"And Why Is It That I Can Still Speak Perfect English Even Though I'm
Supposed To Remember Nothing At All???"
He was the first.
He will be the last.
And is the Loonverse's only hope from its own demise.
"I can't believe it ..ev-everything is happening over again", Boy Lad
thought as he remembered the previous events which took place like old
photographs, with him leading and the LNH'rs following like lemmings to
their own grave into that shifting white and black energy field. "No..no
must'nt think such thoughts. You've never seen this place before," he
thought as he stared at the forbidding white sky which hovered like death
over him and his companions. "You've never met these people.. the eagle..
and you've never been designated the savior of the Looniverse before until
that is now. But everything is too familar..."
Arthur Spitzer (aspitzer at aol.com)
He looked at his fellow companions: the eagle, the man in the
trenchcoat, the shapeshifter and his tour guiding girlfriend, the karma
endowned parker, the professor and MaryAnn here on Gil... whoops wrong
story.. um and finally the professor and his reluctant ninja joke telling
pun slinging sidekick. These would be his companions on one of the most
twisted and deadly journeys ever attempted. He would also witness each of
their horrible deaths. No, he thought, It wouldn't be like that again.
What was he thinking? No, it had never been like that. Boy Lad began to
recall, as he observed his companions, the events that had caused him to be
in this jam in the first place and why he had led them in this ungodly void.
But it didn't really matter seeing as in a few seconds he was crushed
by a meteor and replaced by an evil clone.
And somewhere a corn field exploded. And it had begun again. And
there was no popcorn. And if there was, the people who ate it died of
cholesterol, because they were foolish enough to have butter on it.
Arthur Spitzer (aspitzer at aol.com)
[ Cover: In the background every villain, hero and bystander there ever was
is shown as ghostly white spirit. In front of that are two eye balls,
one which shows a grinning Time Crapper, the other one a grinning
wReamicus Maximus and a giant sadistic grin to complement the eyes. In
front of that is a giant hand crushing Continuity Champ with a giant
bottle. The bottle says 'New and Improved: Ultimate Paprika". A smaller
figure in a Continuity Champ Style Uniform struggles with all his strength
to move the bottle off Continuity Champs body. On the bottom of the cover
in bold letters is the title: 'Now that's a Man's Super Villain!' ]
I ain't no Netrigan so don't you scream
When you find out this thing don't have no pansy rhyme scheme.
I'm rappin' Kid Recap and I'm here to tell you how
A place called Omaha blew up and no one had a cow.
Till a homeboy named Drifter and his feathered friend
Started a crossover twister no one could comprehend.
Then came boys of the R in their cute R-Van.
Only to be come enraptured by Gulliver an' Sullivan.
And to join for a bite of fight for right
came the Easily-Discovered Man and his sidekick Lite.
Who happened to make a Peril Room in corn fields below
To summon the grin with a gun, a Golden Age bro.
Causing those Intangibles to get out of their shell
and give those candy stealers some bloody hell.
Touri, Pliable, Parking Karma too
This whole crossover was becoming a freakin' zoo.
But it needed a villain and an evil plan.
Enter the (fake) Mister Paprika Man.
But came the shades, not the cool kind you wear
But ones that resemble Madonna, with out her hair.
And Mr. J.O. men homing in on Paprika's terr-tory
For a share of the prize of Villainy glory
Something had to give. Slide Shows to the death.
Harmonica duels. And ordinary people's breath.
And that's what did. A push from our grinning hero.
Turning Pliable Lad into a living zero.
It would have ended here if others had had their way.
But the OP Writers (well me) decided to keep on and stay.
It's brief intersections with Robo Invasion was living hell.
Now its in tune with Retcon Hour, unfortunately as well.
Got to go now. Got recaps to rap.
Just been shot. Oh ouch and crap.
(Ok I promise to never do that again. You can put the rotten
vegetables and deadly weapons down. Ok? Are you listening? Please??)
In a cornfield, no one can hear you scream.. Hmm.. err wait.. that
makes absolutely no sense.. oh.. oh now I see.. It's hornfield.. No one
can hear you scream in a hornfield.... God I've got to stop licking those
weird colored mushrooms...
In the Badlands of Montana a group of scientists find proof that the
dinosaurs did indeed wear spandex causing a man named Michael Crichton to
write a book called Elastic Park. It's not a best seller.
Late at night Little Billy Higman carefully writes down all of the
history exam answers on his arms and hands, not knowing that tomorrow all of
those answers will have changed causing him to flunk the test and eventually
instead of becoming a brain surgeon he will be forced to become a game show
host, or worse a politician.
And somewhere at the very, very close end of time when every
carbon-based life form and their uncle have been put on a Burger King Glass,
there lays a fortress of unimaginable power and a nice little view of a
little nebula in the shape of a square. And their lies a piece of crap on
the mother of all thrones (with a nice giant swimming pool in the
middle.. or have I just described a gigantic toilet? Whoops sorry) laughing
villianously thus shooting Ultimate Mr. Paprika out of his nose, yet the
piece of crap isn't watching 'I Love Lucy'.
"Now that's a Man's Super Villain!!!"
Schleswig Holstein Stadium Germany 1934
"Mr. Zernike, you're like on in five minutes, oh and there are bunch of
like totally whacked out arayan babettes outside tearing their clothes off
wanting your child," a pimply four-eyed adolescent said to a man that looked
exactly like Don Knotts on LSD with cool sunglasses.
Cool.. Yeah.. yeah.. I'm like hurrying too dude.. what do you
think.. turquoise or obsidian..", he replied sharply displaying his very
Frits Zernike was nervous. Sure he had done a lot of optical physic
seminars. Hey he was the best when it came to optical physics, but this one
had been plagued by all sorts of trouble. First the speakers had
disappeared. Then the charts and diagrams were set on fire. And then the
mimes. The mimes. His manager had told him not to worry about the mimes.
"Mimes are just something you have to deal with like flies", his manager
said, "They're a natural part of the Looniverse". No, his manager was wron
g and Frits knew it. Flies at least ate decayed animals. Mimes didn't even
do that much. Give mimes an inch and they'll expect applause and money.
'Hmm,' he thought to himself, 'I could have sworn my speech was in my
left pocket, hmm no not in my other pockets either.. errghhh. I brought it.
I know I brought it. Wait. The mime outside of the auditorium. No, no,
why on the earth would anyone especially a mime steal a damn boring speech
about optical physics."
He would have to wing this and hope he could appease the audience.
"Your on Frits..."
This was a big audience full of.. swastikas...
The whole third Reich must be here.. Hell it looked like Hitler himself
was jumping up and down in the mosh pit.
And the mime... What? There weren't supposed to be any mimes in the
building. Where's the security. And the mime's winking at me.
The cue.. got to get on stage.. script or no script.
"Hello all you crazy nazi dudes.. dudettes.. and the big guy out
their.. H-Man.. the Adolfmeister.. are you ready to hear some optical
physics lectures??" A man with a funny little mustache and haircut looked
up only to say, "Like, vertical dude."
A big roaring mega -Ya came from the crowd.
"I mean.. are you really ready.. READY FO SOME OP-TICALL
The crowd was screaming, frothing at the mouth, playing accordians,
It was pretty darn wild.
And that's when Frits Zernike forgot everything he ever knew about
Frits mind was a blank, and the only things he seemed to remember were
the capital of North Dakota and philosophical mime trivia.
"Well I'd like to start this session out with.. a question.. If you
had an infinite amount of angels dancing on an infinite amount of needle
points how many mimes would their be?? And while I'm on that how many licks
does it take to get to the center of a mime??"
Now most people (In this retconned Looniverse) realize that telling
philosophical mime trivia to a bunch of rowdy optical physics fans is the
equivalent to singing Roger and Hammerstein tunes at a Guns n Roses concert.
Sure the first few minutes its kind of humorous, but after awhile it becomes
a very bad idea.
The crowd stormed the stage and then tore Frits Zernikes limbs and head
off his body. In 1950 Frits Zernike would not win the Nobel Prize (It was
common practice back then to not give headless people prizes.. bad taste you
know), thus he would also not have a tiny little mention in the World
Almanac, thus I would not see Frits Zernikes name in the World Almanac, a
man that I have absolutely no idea who he is and don't know if he indeed
does look like Don Knotts on LSD, except that he is Dutch and he won a Nobel
Prize for his work in optical physics, thus I would not be writing this.
But seeing that I am and not understanding why I can only plead the Heinlein
Maneuver. Specifically that in Reality Dave Van Domelen is really writing
this garbage in an alternet universe and I'm really sitting back chugging
Grape Soda while watching Gilligan's Island, sadly this might not be the
While the crowd was still rioting, a man in a trenchcoat pondered over
the infinite needles, angels question.
"Hmm.. How many mimes.. How many mimes indeed!!?? But then again
there's always room for MIMES!!" These would be the last words he would
ever speak outloud.
And then he cackled madly like most people who come right out of
optical physics concerts spouting philosophical mime trivia. In the coming
years, he would become a force to reckon with. And he would call
himself.. THE TIME MIME II...
And the circle came to a close.
Ted Green probably had the most stress free life of anyone in the
Looniverse. Philosophers, who had spent their lives climbing mountains,
talking to goats, counting the amount of red cars on the highway, and any
other means of finding the meaning of life could have just as simply talked
to Ted Green.
Ted Green's parents on the other hand led an incredibly stressful life.
One of the reasons this was, had to do with the fact that their 40 year old
son had been living in their bathroom for almost an entire decade.
"What are you doing in there? Are you all right? Teddy, speak to us,
"You heard your mother. Open this door. You've been in there for over
a decade," which wasn't entirely true. It wouldn't be a full decade until
"I'm fine. I'm doing stuff. Ma. Pop. LET me be!"
"What stuff? Drugs? Oh, John. Teddy's become one of those Colombian
Drug Lord junkies."
"Is this true, son!? Because if it is I can tell you right here and
now that I will tolerate no Colombian Drug Lord junkie even if they're my
own son to live in my bathroom. And this in no way has anything to do with
your nationality change. Why, I've always felt that the Colombian's were
nice people, and always made a good cup of coffee."
"I am not on drugs! And I have never gotten nationality change.. Now
can you leave me alone!"
"Why Teddy! My only son. Everyone asks, 'How's Ted,' 'Is he married,'
'So what does he do now?', and I have to tell them that he's been living in
our bathroom for the past decade," Martha Green sobs, "Oh, Teddy."
"You heard your mother! Open this door. Is that water running? Are you running the water, Ted?"
"I'm getting a drink of water!"
"I knew it. He's drinking water, Martha. And you said I was crazy
when I said that our water bill was unusually high. I knew it. What do you
think, water grows off trees son!!"
Okay, maybe saying that Ted Green's life is totally stress free is an
exaggeration, but still, compared to his turmoil a decade ago, it's quite a
step up. Back in the late 70's and early 80's, Ted Green had made some bad
choices. One of these involved running naked through an important company
staff meeting because someone dared him to. Another was burning down his
employer's house. Other bad choices followed. Going to work. Quitting his
job. Communicating with his psychiatrist. Moving back in with his parents.
Communicating with his parents. Punching his psychiatrist. It eventually
came clear that the only way to peacefully coexist with reality was to lock
himself in the bathroom and ignore reality. Amazingly enough this happened
Sure the first few years were hectic with his parents threatening to
call the fire department, police, army and such, but eventually everything
worked out and his parents even appeared in a Geraldo segment on 'Parents
whose Middle-Aged Loser Children Move Back in and Live in The Bathroom with
out Paying Rent.' Still their was tension.
During this time he had decided to make a machine that would right all
the wrongs in the world and possibly help him win the lottery. And this
machine was just about finished, a machine that was composed of mainly
medicine caps, a bar of Zest soap, bathroom tile, a digital weight scale, a
ceramic dwarf, and a toe-nail clipper. Just another twist here turn there
and it would be finished. And he would show the world.
And finally after ten (well nine and many days) years he opened up the
door dramatically and said, "I've finally done it.. Years it took.. but now
the world will tremble at my wonder.. for I have created.. the machine.. or
as I will call it when I start marketing.. Mr. Machine..."
"You've spent all this time.. making THIS??", Mr. Green said scowling
at his son's object, "It looks like one of those damn tomato validating
machines your Mother bought.. thing blew up first time we used.. big waste
"THIS is not a Tomato Validating Machine!!"
"Then what is it!?"
"I don't know.. I haven't written the instruction booklet YET!! But
I'M sure it will decide the fate of the Looniverse!"
"Great, you've spent the last 10 years making something that you have
no idea how to use.. my son the genius.. Hey is that my Deforest Kelly
autographed toenail clipper??", Ted's father said grabbing the Mr. Machine.
"I can't believe this I've looking years for it.. And all this time my son
took it.. Martha look.."
"Look my Deforest Kelly autographed toenail clipper.."
"Where are you going??"
"I'm going to call those punk cops who refused to believe that someone
would steal my toenail clipper... heheh.. We'll see who the stupid old fool
At about this time another had entered the scene, a man with a pale
face, suspenders, and a funny looking hat. And he had a gun. And like
space and time as the man fired his gun no sound was heard except the
bickering of the Green family. Although this author really meant, like
space and time the gun wasn't heard, not the bickering of the Green family,
although it is possible that the Green family's bickering can defy the laws
of physics like Rosanne Arnold jokes, vomiting, and cool Sound tracks
written by John Williams or Leonard Nemoy. But in this case it wasn't the
laws of physics going askew, but the fact that the gun was imaginary and the
man was a mime.
"I can't believe it.. those cops hung up on me.. Who's this bozo..?",
he exclaimed pointing at the mime. "Is this one of your Colombian Druglord
"Oh my God.. they're taking my baby away.."
"So what are you and your friend going to do now.. melt our brains then
live off our wealth to perform your weird Latvian or what ever you call it
rituals.. Because if you are.. let me tell you.. you're not melting this
brain.. no siree mister.."
"Look.. I don't know who this person is.. and I am NOT a Colombian
The mime was getting annoyed, mainly because his imaginary gun was
running out of imaginary bullets, but also because he was doing this on his
free time. So he quickly grabbed the Mr. Machine from Ted's arms and
slipped through time in a crackling blue bolt of light. He sighed in relief
with the mechanism safely tucked in his arms. It had been a busy day.
First he had managed to ditch that loser Chronos the Clown. Then he had
manipulated another's destiny incase his own life was cut short by Retcon
Hour. And finally he had stolen a machine which would aid his fellow mimes
greatly for their goal of forcing all life forms in the Plural Realities to
appreciate and give mimes loose change instead usual obscene gesture. But
now it was time to find Chronos the Clown, and proceed with his temporary
"He stole my machine!!"
"Forget that! Your junkie friend stole my Deforest Kelly autographed
"HE'S not my FRIEND!!"
"Oh why, Teddy? Where did we go wrong in raising you?"
"That's it I'm going back in the bathroom and never coming out again.."
With that he slammed the bathroom door, where he wouldn't come out
until another decade had passed.
"What are you doing in there? Are you all right? Teddy, speak to us,
"I'M doing STUFF!!!"
And the circle became a pretty triangle.
The (fake) Mr. Paprkia Building, one the tallest buildings in
Net.ropolis is quite a sight at night. This night would prove to be no
different in fact probably a little more spectacular considering that the
real Mr. Paprika (Major Foods Corp.) had sent a helicopter assault team to
persuade (the fake) Mr. Paprika to never use their name again with out
permission. And to make matters more interesting in a few seconds the
streets would be filled with people who found Geraldo thought provoking (For
more on this exciting subplot read Russ's contribution which will probably
dwell on the psychic shades).
There is a helicopter that the government and the LNH refuse to
acknowledge. It can go Mach 10 in 0.1 seconds. It has every destructive
form of arsenal known to mankind and then some. It can make every slurpee
known in the Looniverse. And if you have just washed your hair it could dry
it with only a few problems like leaves blowing in your face and if you're
too tall, chopping off your head. Its captain has this uncanny resemblance
to Roy Schieder. It has a dolphin that talks in a stupid voice. And its
nothing more than another boring rip-off of Star Trek set in the water. I
mean seriously have there been any good Movies and TV Shows set in the
Water. Frankly Leviathan was boring and.. whoops, sorry got the helicopter
confused with that Sea Quest show.. won't happen again. Anyway, the people
of the Major Food Corp. have one and it's minutes away from a rendezvous
with the Mr. Paprika building. The government would probably deny this too.
"Aces, do you read me?"
"Uhh.. to much noise .. but yes.. here have one"
"Err.. interference.. Please repeat.."
"No.. Go Fish"
"Damn.. its tough to play Go Fish in a helicopter.."
"Well men its almost time.. in a few minutes you're going to be freeing
this Country from the pretender of the Mr. Paprika Name.. I'm just going to
tell you now.. Its not going to be pretty.. There's going to be sweat,
tears, and probably a few carbonated bubbles.. But I know that you can do
it. Before we go though.. does anyone have any questions?"
"Err.. yes sir. Isn't what we're doing right now illegal I mean where
do we have the right to just attack anyone we feel like even if they are
infringing on our copy right laws??"
"Son, I'm surprised at you. Have you read the Constitution?"
"Uh.. yes sir."
"Then you know that nowhere in it is the sentence 'And this
constitution also applies to the Major Foods Corp.' Next question."
"Sir, why do these uniforms itch in the crotch?"
"Good question. I'm sorry though that I can't answer it. Classified
Information. Ok men Fall OUT!!"
"Of the helicopter.. sir??"
Out of the helicopter blared the captains voice.
"All right, Mr. Paprika, this is a warning. You have exactly ten
minutes to think of a different name for you and your company. If you
refuse to comply we will have to.. well do something about it.. and it won't
be pretty.. whatever it is.."
Mr. Paprika replied with a run of rapidly reaping red rays (Don't you
just love pointless alliteration..) The rays barely missed the helicopter.
And that pretty much summed up the proceeding events
It was just a word. Actually two word for those of you that are really
picky. And two explanation points which is probably illegal in the edicts
of grammar. But its effects were amazing. Out of the helicopter came two
technically advanced and destructive missiles. These missiles could dry
your hair faster than the helicopter even, but considering that your hair
would be in ten different countries after you used them, they wouldn't be on
the market very soon as hair dryers.
You would have had to see the expressions on the faces of the squadron
though, as they saw their missiles go through the building without so much
as a boom. Shock to say the least.
"I can't believe it. He couldn't have made that entire building into a
illuzz..." before he could finish his statement though he saw the very
missiles he had given, return to him. Before he could tell the pilot to
move he smelled the burning flesh of a human. That human was him. And he
then saw blackness. The alternate helicopter on the other side also had the
same problem of becoming a trillion racing particles.
Mr. Paprika looked unenthusiastically at the fireworks display of his
making. He knew his brother wasn't on the helicopter. His brother he hated
so. The explosion was in delay though, as were the countless other
helicopter time dopplegangers that had exploded with it, and it seemed to
have been like that for years. It was a side effect of the time breach he
shaped when the other villains had begun to take credit for the mess at
Omaha. The time rupture covered enough of the building to keep him away
from unwanted guests, yet was little enough to prevent the LNH or cosmic
beings from noticing him. Not that being noticed had ever been a problem
for him, he had been ignored all of his life.
His brother, Wayne Bruce had always been the smart one in the family,
the one that brought home the straight A's, trophies, and knew the perfect
present for Aunt March. Hey, how was he supposed to know that she was
allergic to bees.
Then when he and his brother commenced their careers, his brother
received a job at a small business called Mr. Paprika. He on the other hand
had landed a job at the Coka-Cola company. As luck would have it though,
through his brother's great leadership, Mr. Paprika merged with Major Foods
and became "The soda-pop", especially after a law suit aimed at Random-House
Publishing created tons of exposure. He on the other hand created New Coke
and was fired soon after.
Through his brother's generosity nevertheless, he obtained a job at the
Major Food Corp. During this time he longed to find some way to finally
overshadow his brother's success. Each attempt was a failure, and he became
in danger of being fired again. He finally, transferred a large amount of
men and equipment to Omaha because he believed they might turn up oil or
something else of value. What they found though was far more.
When the first reports had come in about the energy spring, he worried
that it might turn into something devastating and he would be blamed for it,
but he also understood that this could be the garden of Eden he had been
searching for all of his life. The scientists he had sent had found little
within weeks, so he decided to go to the project to see the item himself.
At his arrival, his scientists lead him to the source and that is when he
saw the man for the first time and realized everything.
He touched the source and traveled like a spirit to another realm. A
realm where he and his Looniverse were an idea. He felt like he was in the
Constellation series only though that something was wrong.. had Dave been
involved in a serious accident which involved the amputation of his brain?
Only that could explain the choppy, uninteresting style of writing that this
was written in. No he knew that was not so as he saw the goofy person
before him. Who was he, he thought. For some odd reason the name
Mr. Velk came to mind (Damn you Martin), but it just as quickly left.
Whoever, he was, he appeared to be laughing as he was typing. Probably
psychotic. He would then get up and do weird dances while snapping his
fingers (Hey I don't know why I do it.. I.. just do it) before typing again.
He was staring at his creator. His creator was an idiot. This could
Afterwards his trips began to be more consistent. He had his
scientists work on ways to transport objects to and fro. And finally he
decided to finally meet with his creator.
The creator was putty in his hands. What others, like the Crossover
Queen and Acton Lord had dreamed about, he had accomplished. There was
still a problem though. His creator was an idiot, and was lazy. Make that
And now he was still sitting in a chair, hoping for the LNH, an
Insurance Salesman, Roseanne Arnold, or some other poor unfortunate soul to
come popping out of the door so he could dismantle them atom by atom. He
hoped that on the news would be mention of his diabolically evil plan. He
hoped that the cable would come back on. But as he hoped, other villains
with the help of other writers had taken away his glory.
"Hello? Is this the party line for deranged super villains without
"Yes, deary. A Dollar the first minute, 50 cents each additional
minute. I'm Betsy, but you can call me Mom. What's troubling.. Stand up
Straight! So what's troubling you dear?"
"I'm just not a popular villain. I mean just the other day I was
kicking this kitten and he acted like I wasn't even there. Oh but I saw the
smirk on his face. I just don't get the respect a cosmic powered villain of
my level deserves."
"Have you tried the "Mike Escutia's "How to Laugh Like a Villain"
12-step video program?"
"Yes. yes. And I've read Tsar Chasm's "How to Conquer the Universe for
about a dollar a day." series. Acton Lord's workout tape"
"Tsar Chasm has a new series out called "How to Conquer the Universe
with produce from your local grocer""
"He does? But isn't he dead. Oh never mind I guess if Isaac Asimov
can do it, Tsar Chasm can. Thanks for your help."
While he hung the phone up, he glanced at a classified in the paper.
"Hmm, 'Hot to Trot Blonde with whip and spurs'...No...no. The one
under that. 'Be all that you can be.. at Dr. Doom's Cosmic Powered Super
Villain Academy.'" Under it was a picture of an emaciated skeletal figure
with the text 'Before' boldly over it. To its right was a picture of a
bulky steroid muscle bound with the word 'After' above it.
Next Week: The Conclusion of the Omaha Project!
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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