REPOST: RAC Challenge! Annual #1

Drew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Wed Jan 20 01:10:06 PST 2016


On 1/13/2016 9:30 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> And the final chapter the RACChallenge Annual written by
> a number of different writers..

YEAH! Power of the crescendo!

> This is the end of the first RACChallenge.  If you want to read
> the second or third RACChallenge go here:
>
> http://archives.eyrie.org/racc/challenge/

I keep going back to the idea of doing a new RACChallenge sometime, but man, 
*projects*.

> "Wait a minute," interjected Paragon.  "If you're really the embodiment
> of chaos and entropy, like I've heard in the legends, wouldn't you
> approve of the chaos I'm creating?"
>
> "Of course not!  I've got a hell of a racket here, and the last thing I
> need is competition from the Ultimate Entropic Engine!"

*pfft*

> Paragon closed his eyes and used the power of the Ultimate Marble, which
> was now infused into him, and connected to the Web.  "Five minutes from
> now... a strikeforce of bikini-clad babes rescues me.  Oh, and Newt
> Gingrich will be leading them."
>
> "See!" mocked Enthropy.  "Your ability to see the future is totally
> unreliable!
<snip>
> Through one of the portals, four pairs of energy beams hit Enthropy and
> knocked him to one knee. Out of that portal stepped two sets of blonde
> bikini-wearing twin babes and one Newt Gingrich. The buxom babes kept up
> their energy attack on Enthropy.

I love it when writers work together. <3

> "Newt Gingrich?", asked Malloc, exhausted from containing the backlash
> produced by the unconcious Midge and Enthropy.

I also like that this one's bringing back *all* the characters. :D

> Dirk approached Mary Lu.  "Look.  I know you want me dead.  In fact, I'm
> not even going to try and stop you.  At least allow me to pick the way
> you'll kill me."
>
> "Go ahead.  This ought to be fun."
>
> "Throw me into Enthropy, and let us both be consumed by a star."

Bre'r Rabbit, something, etc.

> "Looks like a donut to me," said Dirk, and his stomach rumbled. He realized
> he hadn't had anything to eat since at least Chapter Eighteen, and that had
> been just a glass of mango juice while he sojourned in hell after dying
> from a nuclear explosion while trying to help his old friend, the Ultimate
> Co-Ed.
>
> Dirk forgot what he had been thinking about.

You know, this is kind of a weird story.

> "Your *uncle*, Dirk. Malevo is your uncle! He restored you to life with the
> Ultimate Marble, using special incantations from the Book of Duck and
> Candle. But you lost the Marble, weakening the bonds of time and space. The
> Ultimate Twins were the first result. Malevo decided it was too dangerous
> to be your sidekick, so he gave up the Ultimate Internship and became the
> Ultimate Villain, Dr. Malevo. That kept you in line for a while."
>
> Dirk's mind whirled, and stopped before incorporating everything.
>
> "The Ultimate Twins were *my* fault?"
>
> "Exactly. And we had to fix it. We manipulated Dr. Merton Flagler into
> discovering what *he* called the Marble of Power, after you lost the
> Ultimate Marble. That was step one. Now, you've got to travel throughout
> time and fix everything that you broke."

You got that, audience?

> "Seems like a lot of trouble just for a cup of coffee."
>
> "Yes, Dirk. You must find some coffee. And there's a great Denny's just the
> other side of the donut hole."
>
> She slam-dunked him through the hole in the Earth.

Heeheehee. <3

> "That's right, I wasn't killed in that explosion of Malevo's
> office hide-out in Tampa Bay after all. Far from it, I gained a
> sense of morality and a strange new superpower..." exposited
> Jorge.

OF COURSE :D

> "That's plenty of time to take care of you, Frankelin, AND your
> army of Malevo clones", snarled the baseball owner turned super-
> hero, "for I am the Clone Deranger!!!"
>
> He started to hum the William Tell Overture while his brow
> furrowed.
>
> "What? No! Stop... head spinning... room spinning contrariwise...
> can't... stay... cognisant..." The clone dropped to the floor,
> its clone-brain hopelessly mangled, as did every other clone on
> the planet, irrevocably.

Heeheehee, puns.

> "Well, YOU took your sweet time getting here!" fumed Mary Lu.
>
> "I couldn't leave the Dixon City Dodgers before they finished
> winning the World Series, now could I? Hee hee! Who'd have
> thought that Spurgo would have made such a *good* team manager?

XD I love it

> "Anyway," he continued, "I still got here before Larry Lent did.
> AND I had a USEFUL superpower as well. Just think if you had to
> depend on that ex-insurance adjuster to save the world, heh
> heh..."
>
> "Look, we don't have time to worry about the lameness of the
> powers of the Loans Arranger now..." Mary Lu started to
> expostulate.

booooooo <3

> "But... but... actually, you're right. There's nothing more we
> can do here except wait five minutes and see if he pulls it off"
> opined the Ultimate Woman. "Hear that, all you strange characters
> from other universes brought in from left field? 'Nothing more
> we can do here', so get out of here already!!!"
>
> Realising she was right, all the Settler/Omega/Conigli/Delta
> Squad/LNH/NTB/Bulk-Crossover-Reading-Suddenly-Required
> interlopers picked themselves up and dissolved into thin air, or
> their own universe elsewhere in RACC, as may be appropriate.

XD XD XD Yes, good, wrap it up

>       That it hadn't really been Newt Gingrich, but a still
>       transformed Matt Rossi III (now finished his honeymoon
>       with London) who had charged in through the portal
>       earlier...

Of course! IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

> The other side of the Earth was
> also very dark; there weren't even any stars in the sky.  But there was a
> Denny's.

XD I didn't expect that to be literalized. I should've known better.

> Paragon wandered in.  He wasn't exactly sure how getting a cup of coffee
> would foster his spiritual illumination, shatter his body into millions of
> cross-temporal counterparts, or destroy the Earth's sun.  Then again, it
> was *Denny's* coffee.

Heeheehee.

> "No, that stuff only happened to *real* writers.  Even when I was a
> writer, I was just a character of some guy named Stratton.  So when I
> died, *none* of the Supreme Beings or Deaths or Thanatoses in *any* of
> the twenty-four different continuities' afterlives knew what to do with
> me.  So they sent me here.  Purgatory."

How Morrison-esque.

> "It's all so obvious now... although really,
> I'd think Denny's would be more of a Hell."
>
> "Only if they ever got around to bringing you the coffee."

*ba-dum-tiss*

> Apparently, Purgatory was reputed to be perched on the brink of the
> Ultimate Abyss... like any other Denny's.

So many Denny's jokes!

> I had access to Baron von Frankelin's RACC Challenge!
> Homepage -- that stands for Radically Altering Countless Continuities, by
> the way  --

Yep, that's canon.

> Major uncalled-for retcons like that Rosendorf guy's, even they can't stop
> him!

heeheehee

> "THE LEVIATHAN IS A BROAD MONSTER," cried a huge voice
> from all around them.  There was a gust of air so strong, it knocked
> Paragon and Dr. Silver back to the 'ground.'  Paragon grabbed a
> stalagmite for support, though by now he knew it wasn't a stalagmite, but
> a giant tooth.  The entire Earth was nothing but the Ultimate Mouth of
> the Ultimate Menace.  But who could it be...?
>
> "THE TIAMAT IS EVEN BROADER," said the voice.  Paragon still
> couldn't place it.  Was it Rex Reeves?  Myrna Malevo?  No, they
> would've been in Denny's...  Doctor Malevo?  But his clones were all
> gone...  Then the Ultimate Menace could only be...
>
> "Oh no," Paragon whispered.  "Not *him*!"
>
> "BUT I..." said the Menace... "I... AM THE BROADDUS!!!!!"

amaaaaaazing :D :D :D

> "No, I am just one of von Frankelin's clones," said the devil.  "After
> our destruction, we were put to work as Substitute Satans,
> Messengers of Malice, Harbingers of..."
>
> "Sorta like Department Store Santa's?" queried Paragon.
>
> "What do you think we do in December when everyone is on their
> best behavior?"
>
> "I'm sorry."

Man, this Annual is firing on all cylinders. <3

> "This universe's only hope is if you can get the Broaddus to destroy
> Mary Lu *and* split you up into component parts.  He's the only
> force powerful enough to accomplish this.  This will smooth out the
> space-time paradoxes you created and remove the last Super Villain.
> Even that may be all she wrote for this continuum.The Broaddus may
> allow us to start with a blank page or he may close the book on us
> forever."

I. LOVE. METAFICTION. :D

> "OK you'll have to pour it on the Broaddus' uvula."
>
> 'Hey!  I thought the Broaddus was a 'he.'  No uvulas there."

I would make a joke about trans headcanons, but that's probably a little creepy 
to apply to a real person

> "Did you think even once that wasn't me?  I mean please -- setting up shop
> in Georgia?  I wouldn't be caught dead in Georgia, so to speak."
>
> "A clone?"
>
> "Temporally displaced duplicate, actually.  The latest technology.  They're
> all the rage these days."

Wait, isn't that still you

> Lightning knifed from the roof of the Convention Center, a strange howling
> scream accompanying it.  To the innocent passer-by, it seemed as though
> Highlander IV was being filmed in the heart of downtown.

I think that's the one where Duncan McLeod has a baby.

> HAVEN'T YOU TWO LEARNED ANYTHING?  NOTHING
> THAT IS SET-UP IN A PREVIOUS EPISODE WILL WORK OUT AS THAT AUTHOR
> INTENDED!

The One True Rule of RACChallenge.

> Dirk failed to see what was significant about being omniscient.  After
> all, Dirk ate both meat and vegetables too.

Heeheehee

> DR. SILVER WARNED YOU THAT MARY LU SENT YOU HERE IN THE HOPE
> THAT YOU WOULD  DEFEAT ME SO THAT SHE CAN RULE THE WORLD, BUT THE TRUTH IS
> THAT I WILL HAVE MY WAY WITH ALL OF YOU!!!"
>
> "Gallavanting guinea pigs!  Don't you believe in monogamy?" exclaimed Dirk.

I would make a joke here about... eh, skip it

> "I ALREADY TOLD YOU ONCE -- YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY DEFEAT ME!  BESIDES, EVEN
> IF I WAS GOING TO KILL MYSELF, DO YOU REALLY THINK I'D ALLOW MYSELF TO DIE
> IN THE PASSIVE VOICE?!"  The Broaddus bent over to show the two characters
> his Powerbook.  Scrolling up, the Broaddus refered Flagler and Darringer
> to the sentence where "the Broaddus was consumed by a supernova."

The Grammar Sith!

> I'VE ALREADY DECIDED THAT I AM GOING TO END THIS IN AN
> ORIGINAL FASHION -- THE BAD GUY REALLY WINS!!!  EVERYONE WHO READS THIS
> WILL COME AWAY DISTURBED, BECAUSE IT CONCLUDES IN A MANNER THAT IS
> UNACCEPTABLE IN ANY NARRATIVE FORM, ESPECIALLY COMIC BOOKS!"

...and somehow, this bit of satire is more relevant than ever. XD;

> "Don't worry, Dirk.  I have no intention of breaking you apart or
> correcting all of the paradoxes.  You see, that's always been part of the
> beauty of this epic.  Multiple, even contradictory realities *can*
> coexist.  There's just too much room in the imaginations of twenty-three
> writers for one cohesive continuity.  What we have synthesized here is a
> creative utopia.  Anyone can write a chapter, and anything can happen.  I
> mean, who's to say that mine is the last word?  I claim to be the Omega,
> but not even I, the Ultimate Menace, have the power to end this with
> ultimate finality."

Yessssss. :D The *best* metafictional moral.

>     Dirk Darringer, retired super-hero, former buffoon, and born-again
> badass, wakes up after another night of binge drinking undertaken in a
> futile attempt to forget the last twenty-four chapters of of his life.
> Darringer fixes himself a cup of coffee and retrieves The Morning Herald.
> The headline of the Arts and Entertainment section reads, "Wham! Reunion
> Album Outsells New Beatles!"  Dirk puts down the paper, pours out his
> coffee, and looks for another bottle of Tequila.

Heeheehee. <3

> It's been a long, wonderful road to this grand finale.  I'd like to thank
> all the authors for their participation, for their hard work under deadline
> pressure, and their mercy on me even after I became the major villain of the
> thing.  I'd also like to thank Jerry Stratton for his wonderful web work in
> helping me keep my archive afloat -- it would have died quite quickly were
> it not for him.  And finally to Henry, father of the Challenge!, who I would
> nominate for rac sainthood except for his decided lack of judgment in
> leaving this inmate in charge of the asylum while he was gone.
> Congratulations, everyone, we did it!

And I'd like to thank Arthur, for bringing the RACChallenge back around twenty 
years later for all of us to enjoy once again. Thanks!

Drew "oh Paragon my Paragon" Perron


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