LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #1: The Three Day Lull Part 1

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue Jan 19 15:42:58 PST 2016

You know one of the titles that used to come out that I really
miss?  It was called LNH Classics -- which was basically Russ
Allbery chopping up various stories like the Cosmic Plot Device
into bite size chunks and reposting them in their time line order.

Russ did the first volume back in 1994 and a second volume in 1996.

The second volume is located here:

Kind of shame he didn't keep posting and posting them.  :)  Wonder
at what point in the timeline we'd be right now if he'd kept posting
them.  (And I know he probably gave it up because he was absurdly
busy with other stuff related to RACC..)

Anyways, I thought I might try something like that.  Instead of the
Cosmic Plot Device Caper, I figured I'd start with the Tree Day Lull,
which is probably an easier jumping on point for LNH stuff.  (And
after that I'll probably do LNH Triple Play and the various crossovers
that it participated in..)

Ken Schmidt was the one who started this cascade.  He created the
LNH Comics Presents series and created the supervillain Tsar Chasm
who plays a big part in this cascade.

Also in this first part is Martin Phipps who wrote a ton of LNH stuff
and created the characters Deja Dude and Master Blaster.

We'll see how many issues of this new attempt at doing LNH Classics
I can do before I give up.  :)

Classic LNH Adventures #1:  The Three Day Lull Part 1

LNH: The Three Day Lull, part 1

        First off, a little background.  In the middle of July there
was a span of three days without a post at alt.comics.lnh.  I couldn't
take it, so I started a story about boredom (the first part of this 
story) and set up a situation.  I then asked everyone to add a bit on
to liven up the group.  Hooh boy.  Over the next two posts you will 
see the results.  No one has seen the completed project and for those
of you who read the bits as they came out, well I added some more, and
Gary St. Lawrence and Andre' Condon added their parts.  This was fun,
but I don't know if I could do it again!  If anyone is interested in
the changed made I could post a list (mostly involving Webster and
Webs Tor, I don't think anyone got them right...).  
Anyway, the author of each section is listed before the part they
So here we go.

                        THE THREE DAY LULL
                     (or The Fruits of Boredom)  

                        by kenaschm at cs.indiana.edu; Ken Schmidt

        Tsar Chasm was bored.  Bored beyond belief.  He had no plans to do
anything.  The novelty of the idea amused him for the briefest of moments.
Here he was, the master planner, and he had no plans.  Then, an idea
struck.  Why not visit the LNH?  There may be some animosity on the part of
the LNH, but it would at least break the monotony of the last few weeks.
He prepared by removing his cape and armor and putting on his 
'Dolphins, 1992 AFC East Champs' shirt.  He remembered to get his homing
beacon out of his armor.  One never knew with the LNH.  They are generally
such a high-strung bunch, best to be prepared.
        "Webster, Webs Tor!  I am going to visit the LNH.  Be in constant
contact.  I may have to leave in a hurry.  Webster, put me just outside
their doorway."
        "Uhm, do you think this is wise?  I don't think they are over that
time we took over their HQ," said Webs Tor.
        "This is only going to be a test run.  I also need to speak with
Pocket Man.  I feel obligated to give him an update on my findings."
        Webster looked confused,"But, nothing has changed since he left.
Why do you-"
        "I am bored.  There has been little to do.  The newsgroup is in 
dire need of some action.  And most of us can't wait until Thursday!"
(Thursday being the day I normally posted LNHCP in the summer -K)
        "OK, you're the boss..." Webster and Webs Tor punched the buttons
on their watches and Webster teleported Tsar Chasm to the coordinates.
        Tsar Chasm materialized outside and surprised California Kid who 
was on his way out to the Pizza Pit.
        "WHOA!  Who are you?"
        Tsar Chasm smiled.  Without his armor and cape he figured that
most of the LNH would not recognize him.  "I am ...an acquaintance of 
Pocket Man, is he in?"
        "Got me.  Ask the receptionist, I think he knows who is all here."
        "My thanks, California Kid is it not?"
        "Uhhh... yeah it is." CK looked a bit uncomfortable as he headed
toward the Pizza Pit.
        Tsar Chasm walked toward the receptionist's desk.  He did not
recognize the receptionist, so he concluded that it was one of the original
two that he hadn't hired.  He still couldn't believe that the desk wasn't
staffed 24 hours a day when he took over.  Too bad that was the only 
improvement he instituted before his ouster.  He had so many things to...
oh, he couldn't.  The thought caused a smile on his face.  He would have
to see if he could do it later.  First he had get a message to Pocket Man.
        "Excuse me, but is Pocket Man in?"
        The receptionist looked up,"I believe so.  Shall I call him down
        "No, I just needed to know if he was in.  Thank you."  A movement 
caught Tsar Chasm's eye.  It was Deja Dude walking out of the Cafeteria.  
Anticipation flooded Tsar Chasm.  This would be a truer test of his identity. 
The rush from the adrenal flow wiped out the last vestiges of boredom.  A
smile and nod of his head at Deja Dude caught DD off guard.  He did not 
recognize the man at the desk, but he did look familiar.  He didn't think on
too long.  Julie was waiting back in his room, so his mind was on other
        Tsar Chasm walked out of the HQ and then teleported to UN's ready 
room.  Ultimate Ninja was not there, but TC already knew that.  Detector had
found UN in the peril room.  Tsar Chasm went to UN's terminal and left Pok
the following message:

        To:pockman at lnh.hq
        From:tsarcha at lnh.hq

        I won't go into how I have an account on your system, nor will
I go over how it, and I, are undetectable to scans.  I wanted to let you
know that your device is working perfectly.  Barring outside interference
nothing should happen.  I let you know this way because I don't want
to cause you the anguish of having to explain your connection with me
to the LNH.


        He didn't tell Pok that the reason he wasn't detectable was he
had erased any scans of himself from the LNH computers.  And right now
he had a device that was scrambling the scans it was now doing.  If
nothing else, his one day of control had given him everything he needed to
know about the layout of the HQ and its computer systems.  Just one last
message to type, and then wait for the fireworks.

        To: ultninj at lnh.hq
        From: tsarcha at lnh.hq

        Hello Ultimate Ninja,
        Here I am sitting in this wonderfully comfortable chair in your
ready room.  I was hoping that you haven't forgotten about me.  It has been
such a dull and dreary three days.  I figured something needed to be done to
liven things up.  I am also curious to your reaction to my idea of having
the front desk staffed at all hours.  Waiting for your reply...

        TC sat back and waited.  This could get interesting...

        From: CXMP <CXMP at MUSICA.MCGILL.CA> Martin Phipps

  Deja Dude was making his way to his room when it suddenly dawned
on him who he saw in the lobby.
  For a moment Deja Dude considered going to confront the evil doer
but then he came up with a better idea.  With a smirk on his face,
he went to see Radioactive Dude.
  Deja Dude was not surprised to find Radioactive Dude's door
locked, knowing how uncomfortable the "dude" was with other people
around.  Deja Dude knocked on his door.
  "Oops!"  Radioactive Dude had pulled the door off its hinges.
  Deja Dude sighed and grabbed the door handle.  "Like this: grab,
turn and *then* pull, OK?"
  Radioactive Dude nodded.  "What is it that brings you here?" he
asked as politely as he could manage.
  Deja Dude nodded.  "It's about Tsar Chasm."
  "Tsar Chasm?"
  "Yeah: the guy who tried to take over Legion Headquarters."
Deja Dude thought for a moment.  "Whether or not he actually succeeded
is open to interpretation, seeing as how ..."
  "What about him?" Radioactive Dude asked, getting annoyed.
  "I just saw him in the lobby."
  Deja Dude hesitated.  "And ... he's a bad man ..."
  Radioactive Dude just stood there.
  "... a *very* bad man."
  There was still no reaction.
  Deja Dude sighed.  "He said you were stupid."
  Radioactive Dude was overcome with rage.  He threw the door to one
side.  "RADIOACTIVE DUDE SMASH!!!"  He ran off in search of Tsar Chasm.
  Deja Dude smiled.  "That's the idea."

      From: kenaschm at silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Ken Schmidt)

Radioactive Dude went to find Tsar Chasm.  He was hurrying to the lobby.
When he got there he saw only the receptionist.  He was heading back to
tell Deja Dude, but his radioactively enhanced hearing picked up a sound
coming from UN's ready room.  It didn't sound like Ultimate Ninja typing.
He decided to investigate.
Tsar Chasm had just finished sending his message to UN.  He looked up and
saw a big, BIG guy covered in bandages.

        "You don't look like any LNH person!  You must be TSAR CHASM!"
        Tsar Chasm had to think quickly,"Uhm, do I look like Tsar Chasm?"
        "Radioactive Dude not meet Tsar Chasm before, not sure what he
look like."
        "My friend, I can tell you that Tsar Chasm wears armor and a 
blue cape.  Does it look like I am wearing armor and a blue cape?" Tsar
Chasm indicated his white t-shirt and black shorts.
        "Hmm.  Radioactive Dude not know you.  How does Radioactive Dude
know you aren't lying."
        "Ask any of the LNH.  They will confirm what I have just said,"
Tsar Chasm said trying very hard to sound sincere.
        "OK, you wait here, Radioactive Dude make sure with Deja Dude."
        The huge form of Radioactive Dude went out of the doorway and Tsar
Chasm let out a large breath.  He figured he needed to get out of this room
and find something else to do.  Then he spied something on Ultimate Ninja's
desk.  It was a copy of the reserved Peril Room times.  Tsar Chasm picked it
up and studied it.  The times were set in 15 minute intervals.  Tsar Chasm
glanced over the names.  Ultimate Ninja, Occultism Kid, Ultimate Ninja, 
Master Blaster, Ultimate Ninja, Ordinary Lady, Ultimate Ninja (Tsar Chasm
sensed a pattern forming), Vulcana, Ultimate Ninja...
        'Vulcana?  Hmm.  I don't recall that name.'  Tsar Chasm checked his
watch and saw that Vulcana's time was just about to start.  "Webs Tor.  Scan
the Peril Room's control booth.  Is anyone there?"
        "No.  There is only one live being in the Peril Room."  
        'Must be Ultimate Ninja,' thought Tsar Chasm.  "Webster!  Teleport me
to the control room."
        "Yes, sir!"
        Radioactive Dude walked out of Ultimate Ninja's ready room.  See Deja 
Dude the stranger had told him.  That was a good idea.  Deja Dude was always
eager to help everyone.  Yes, good idea.  Go see Deja Dude in his room.  Deja 
Dude's room.  Radioactive Dude quickly realized something important.  He 
didn't know where Deja Dude's room was.  He found himself with two options: 
1) Think about the layout of LNHHQ or 2) Don't think at all and just check 
every room.  With a sigh, Radioactive Dude knocked on the first door...
        'Magnificent,' was Tsar Chasm's reaction the carnage he witnessed in 
the Peril Room.  The occupant had quickly disposed of everything thrown at
A rush of wings and the sound of metal ripping metal alerted Tsar Chasm to the
arrival of new robots.  He hadn't noticed them until Vulcana had already 
destroyed two out of the four.  The last two attempted to attack from the
and back.  The one facing Vulcana was quickly shredded by the set of claws on 
Vulcana's wrist.  Continuing the slashing motion she spun and unleashed some 
black beam of energy that disintegrated the last machine.  
        Tsar Chasm leaned forward and said "Truly remarkable" out loud.  His 
elbow had hit the intercom button and his voice carried into the Peril Room.  
Vulcana looked up and saw Tsar Chasm in the control booth.  "I prefer solitude
when using the Peril Room."  A moment later she added, "I'm afraid I'm still 
relatively new here.  I don't think we've met.  I'm Vulcana."
        Tsar Chasm was caught off-guard (which annoyed him to no end), but 
quickly regained his composure.  "I, also, am relatively new.  Your skills are
very impressive.  Rarely have I witnessed such an impressive display."
        Not expecting a compliment Vulcana was a bit taken back.  "Thanks.  I 
don't know if you can help me, but something has been bothering me for a
Deja Dude seemed slightly amused at something to do with the Peril Room.  I 
have used it many times, but haven't figured out what he was talking about." 
(see Vertical Plain #4 by Stephane; no, really! it's out!    -K, may get
it for this:)
        Tsar Chasm tried to recall what Sarcastic Lad had told him.  Picking 
out fact from facetious remarks had been difficult.  "Did he mention Ultimate 
        Vulcana paused, "Yes, now that I think about it, he said something 
about a session *with* Ultimate Ninja.  Is that bad?"
        Tsar Chasm smirked, "I'm not positive, I suppose we will find out, 
won't we?"
        Vulcana realized something, "You still haven't told me your name."
        "It is Tsar Chasm."
        "Aren't you a villain?"
        "It all depends on how you define the term."
        "Uh...let's try 'terrorizing the LNH and taking it over'!"
        Tsar Chasm got a smug look on his face, "By that definition, Ultimate 
Ninja can also be classified a villain."
        "But...he's the leader...," Vulcana didn't expect that reply at all.
        Tsar Chasm shook his head,"I apologize.  I should not poke fun.  You 
are new."  Tsar Chasm was also new, but his insatiable curiosity and desire 
for knowledge (and his one day in the LNHHQ) had given him more information 
than Vulcana had acquired.  "I am sorry, but I can stay no longer.  It was 
nice meeting you."  Actually Tsar Chasm had checked his watch and saw that 
Ultimate Ninja was about to start another session.  Tsar Chasm didn't feel 
the need to  deal with Ultimate Ninja's 'hack now, slash later, then question'
attitude.  Might as well see who was in residence.  "Webster, teleport me near
some occupied quarters."
        "I'll send you to the TV lounge."
        Radioactive Dude stood outside another door.  This was taking too
He was getting annoyed.  At each door he knocked a little harder.  'Oh, well.
I'll find Deja Dude...eventually..."

To Be Continued Next Week!

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer

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