REPOST: RAC Challenge! #23: PenUltimate Chapter!

Drew Perron pwerdna at
Tue Jan 19 14:37:51 PST 2016

On 1/9/2016 3:00 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:

>     He also knew that, in
>     order to preserve the fragile fabric of the Multiverse, Earth's sun
>     had to die.


>     Somehow, he knew that he died at the age of 12. His uncle, Horst
>     Bock-Pilsner Malevo, used the Ultimate Marble to ressurect him.
>     Instead, he drew every Dirk Darrenger in the Multiverse from their
>     respective alternate dimensions and merged them into one being, whom
>     he mistook for his ressurected nephew.

That's a heck of a retcon. Not any bigger than "Tito and Tina are God", mind you...

>     But splitting himself up will require a tremendous explosion. For
>     example, the explosion of Earth's sun. Dirk's weakness to intense
>     solar radiation will shatter him when the sun goes boom, the countless
>     Dirk Darrengers will return to their worlds, and all will be right
>     with the Multiverse.

Hmmm, I see, I see...

>     Dirk instantly recognized the war machines which had knocked him
>     unconscious back in Dr. Malevo's secret lab. They were the robot
>     sentries of the Candy Commandos, an elite strikeforce modeled after
>     the candy products of the late twentieth century. They came from the
>     year 2259 of Alternate Future # 491320431980.
>     The Paragon of that future timeline sent the Candy Commandos to the
>     year 1995 to knock out the present-day Paragon. While unconscious, his
>     connection to the Universe Wide Web would solidify.
>     That's how Dirk knew all this now. He was actively drawing information
>     from the Web, rather than passively tapping it through strange dreams.

Okay, this makes sense, I'm enjoying it :D

>     Dirk looked at one of them and muttered softly, "Is that a pack of
>     sugarless gum in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
>     "Actually, sir," he replied, "it's the source of our powers." He
>     reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of candy mints.

Pff. XD Yes good.

>     By ingesting their mints,
>     which were irradiated by quadraflux energy, they gained the incredible
>     powers to annoy old people in irreverent yet non-threatening manners.
>     For the first time in his life, Dirk actually missed the Ultimate
>     Twins.

XD XD XD Mentos commercials - the gift that kept on giving.

>     Two men appeared out of nowhere. One was Dirk Armington, the
>     Dragonslayer. The second was the Man in the Black Trenchcoat, and he
>     carried a megaphone. "Greetings, everyone. You're probably wondering
>     where the hell you are right now. This is a place where all the
>     discarded, forgotten, and stillborn literary creations of the RACC can
>     find a refuge.
>     "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the PRICKworld."

Pfffft. XD I love it, it makes all of the sense on a meta level, this is the 
best way to deal with the problems of this series.

>     That's when the whole bunker began to shake. A blinding flash filled
>     the room, and when everyone's sight returned, they saw the cosmic
>     supervillain Enthropy. "So," he shouted, "You've decided to come out
>     of retirement, eh Paragon? Now I'll get a chance to destroy you
>     before I destroy your sun!"
>     "Enthropy's destroying the sun?" thought the burning Paragon. "I
>     didn't know that!"


Drew "wait, didn't he want him to do that" Perron

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