LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #3: The Three Day Lull Part 3

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue Feb 2 17:58:02 PST 2016


In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the third part of the Three Day Lull with writings by
Steve Hutchison who created the Invisible Incendiary and would
occasionally participate by writing various vignettes to the
various LNH writer jam session stories that would occasionally appear.
Also appearing in this part is Joltin' Jeff McCoskey who originally
started writing under the PULP imprint.  This was his first modern day
age LNH story and first crack at writing Catalyst Lass and the Hooded
Ho`'od Win both of whom would later star in his LNH Triple Play series.  
And some more writing by Martin Phipps.


=====================
Classic LNH Adventures #3:  The Three Day Lull Part 3
=====================

 

       From: CXMP000 <CXMP at MUSICA.MCGILL.CA> Martin Phipps

  Curly couldn't quite place the name.  "Zarchazum?" he said as
Radioactive Dude's hands closed around his throat.
  Radioactive Dude suddenly hesitated.  "No ... wait ... you're ..."
  "Curly!" Curly said with a smile.
  Radioactive Dude released his grip on Curly.  "Yes ... Curly.
I remember you now."
  Curly, meanwhile, had memories of a large, bandage-covered hulking
individual trying to kill him once before.  "Radioactive Dude?"
  Radioactive Dude nodded.
  "Wanna play a game?"
  "Not now.  I'm looking for Tsar Chasm!"
  By this time several assorted Legionaires had assembled around the
pair, having been alerted by the general alarm.  "Tsar Chasm?!"
  "Yes!" said Sig.Lad, drawing the Legion's attention away from the
musclebound pair.  "I don't know what he's doing here but you can bet
he's up to no good!  Come on!  He went this way!"
  The assembled Legionaires followed Sig.Lad in search of Tsar Chasm.
Curly decided to follow as well: it sounded like fun.

            From: hutch at ibeam.intel.com (Steve Hutchison)

Tsar Chasm was still bored.  OK, so he'd found three or four new and
slightly different mysteries, and discovered that his power of deflation
could be disrupted by the nearly cosmic sig.energies, but that wasn't news.

Maybe if he went back to Ultimate Ninja's office and rearranged his
files?  Yeah, that's it...  Wait.  No.  Something was wrong.  He shouldn't
be feeling so gleeful about such an adolescent action.

"Webs Tor," he snapped into his communicator thingy, "convert to Detector
and scan me for anomalies."

"No anomalies detected," the drone responded, "on your person.  However,
there is an anomaly in the room.  I cannot scan it."

"Aha.  Then it can only be one of the Lurk Squad."  Tsar Chasm whirled,
seeking any trace of the unseen enemy.

"Aww, you found me out, darn," came a sardonic laugh from somewhere in
the room.  The communicator thingy grew hot against the Ruler of Men's
Egos'es wrist (hey, I didn't invent the name, yell at whatsis) and he
was forced to remove it.

"You think to strip me of power with such an easy ploy?"  Tsar Chasm
intoned, preparing to cut loose with a will-destroying rant.  A quiet
laugh filled the room, and he flinched, trying to see where it came from.

"Not at all, mon petit fromage," the unseen tormenter replied.  "I know
how your power works.  You undercut the wills of your opponents with the
power of the Hidden Flame."

"What _are_ you talking about?" Tsar Chasm replied, "Power of the *urk*"

"Careful.  That was starting to be a flame.  We don't want any of that
going on here."

"*gah*" Tsar Chasm choked.  He found he could breathe, but not speak.

"Now, I've been following you around ever since you came in,"  the unseen
voice continued in pleasant conversational tones.  "You've been doing some
useful things for the Legion, but always with a hidden agenda.  You need
to be careful about that.  Trust me, I know.  I got caught in one of those
and it took a revamp to get me out."

"Which one _are_ you?" the Master of Malign Metaphors whispered.

"Oh, come on, stop it.  You know as well as I do."

"Incendiary.  The net.flame elemental."

"Right.  Now come on, we've got to go trash U.N's office again."

Tsar Chasm pondered for a moment.  It was better than wandering around
bored.  Besides, he might catch this fool unprepared.

The door to the Ninja's office opened, by itself.

"Come on, man, he's only scheduled for another few minutes in the Peril
Room and then he always comes here to read his email."

"What do you want to do?"

"Alphabetize his files.  He hates that, he can never find anything."

"Why don't you do it yourself?"

"Uhm, small problem.  If I'm cool enough not to scorch things, I'm
intangible."

"Ah," the Interloping Mischief-Maker nodded, adding the information to
his list of weaknesses.

"And no fair adding that to my list of weaknesses."

"Sorry," Tsar Chasm replied insincerely, flipping files from place to
place in the drawer.

"Just get on with it.  I'm going to ... aha.  Yeah."

Tsar Chasm finished the drawer and walked towards the voice.

"Careful, if we overlap our powers will heterodyne and the resulting
flame would burn you out.  You'd be stuck talking like Little Mary Sunshine."

"A horrible fate," Tsar Chasm said, standing still.  "Where are you?"

"In front of the air conditioner controls.  Ah...  There."

The room grew chilly, as a gust of cold air poured down from above.

"Now, we've got to get out of here and into the Lounge before something
really awful happens."

"Like what?"

"Like the Ninja getting here before we're gone."

They went into the hall, just in time for Tsar Chasm to see the Ultimate
Ninja stalking silently along one wall.

"Ever wonder how a Ninja does that trick?"  the Incendiary whispered to
Tsar Chasm.  "They don't wash their feet."

The Diminisher of Egoes barely suppressed a chuckle.  When the door to
the Ninja's office closed, he glared in the direction of the heat-cone
given off by the Incendiary.

"Almost," he snarled.  "You almost gave us away!"

"Oh cut it out, he couldn't see you, and he's used to me laughing at him
from odd places."

"He couldn't see me?"

"Nah.  He's a master of the ancient art of Ninjutsu, the Invisible Assassins.
I never have figured out why he can't handle invisibility himself."

"But, I'm not invisible, just nondescript, in this outfit," Tsar Chasm
protested, indicating the ordinary street clothing on his anti-heroic frame.

"Right.  But it only takes a small amount of Lurk to make that nondescript
into something he doesn't notice at all.  You know that, you program Webster
to shape-shift into Lurker and he does it all the time."

"How did you know that?  For that matter, why am I acting so ... ignorant?"

"Answer's the same to both questions, the Hidden Flame.  You didn't see me
during your initial assault on the Legion but I was there, watching every
move you made.  And I'm, uh, keeping your Flame a little lower than it
usually burns, because I don't feel like getting into an ego-destruction
war.  Trust me, if your own writer were the one scripting this, you'd be
doing a whole lot better."

"Hmph."  Tsar Chasm frowned, unnerved by the mention of "writers" ...

"Come on, we gotta go down to the Lounge."

"Why?"

"Cause I want to freeze the slurpee machine into a solid block, and
because you'll get to torment some of the others.  I wanna watch."

"But, I thought you were a net hero?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm a stuffed shirt.  Do you have any idea
how boring it gets, spending all your time in the furnace?  And all so
Ultimate Ninja doesn't have to pay for heat..."

The sound of voices receded quietly down the hall.

A door slammed open.  The inside was coated with ice.   A frosty-breathed
grey-clad form stomped out (carefully, so as not to slip on the ice slicked
floor) and shouted down the hallway, "Incendiary, I'm going to make you
_suffer_ for this one!"

             From: jmccoske at nitro.intel.com (Jeff McCoskey)


        Ultimate Ninja's cry of rage echoed through the LNHHQ.  "Man, I live
for that," said Invisible Incendiary.

        "And what a rewarding life it is," retorted Tsar Chasm.

        "Hey, I thought we had a truce here."

        "Sorry, old habits die hard."  Tsar Chasm glanced around the hallway
of the home of the Net.Heroes.  Adolescent antics aside, this was turning into
a most interesting day after all.

        From around the croner, a vacuously attractive woman clad in spandex
approached.  On her chest were the initials CL in a stylized jigsaw puzzle
piece.  She addressed Tsar Chasm.  "Hey.  Talking to yourself?"

        "Naw, I'm here too, Cat."

        "Oh, hi II!  Are you guys doing anything?"  Before the prank-playing
pair could respond, she continued.  "I'm going to see 'Sleepless in Seattle'
again.  Want to come?  That is just the cutest movie!"

        Doors slamming and unprintable grumbling echoed as the Ultimate Ninja
continued voicing his displeasure.  "Sure, Cat, it'd be fun."

        Tsar Chasm's eyebrows shot up.  He couldn't believe as robust a
personality as Invisible Incendiary would be caught dead in a 'woman's movie.'
He prepared a caustic remark to relieve his partner.  Before he could utter
it,
however, he felt his words transforming into agreement!  He clamped his mouth
shut in horror.

        Catalyst Lass detected his hesitation.  "C'mon!  It'll be fun!  Tom
Hanks is just the sweetest thing!"

        Fighting the urge to laugh gaily in assent, the Supremor of Self-
confidence dialed his watch.  He knew what was happening, of course.  Catalyst
Lass' powers of persuasion were corrupting good judgement, not to mention good
taste.  "Webster!  Emergency!  Select Reporter and give me a movie review,
review 'Sleepless in Seattle.'  NOW!"

        From Tsar Chasm's wrist, a nasal voice echoed.  "'Sleepless' sets new
standards in formulaic romances.  A comedy in name only, it pits a pair of
lifeless characters in a plot few but the hopelessly romantic could stomach.
Tom Hanks' usually exuberant screen presence is mortally muted as his
character is forced to go 3/4 of the movie in utter depression.  And if we see
Meg Ryan make moon-eyes one more time, we'll puke.  Two thumbs down, Gene."

        Catalyst Lass rocked back on her heels.  "No . . . h-he can't
mean . . . I mean Tom Hanks' wife died.  Of course he's sad.  And when Meg
hears his son on the radio . . . he must be reviewing another movie."

        "Yes.  The OTHER Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan tearfest."  Tsar Chasm had
regained
his self-control thanks to the timely review.

        "Well, I guess we'll just go without you then.  Your loss!" she
bubbled.  "C'mon II."

        "You're sure I'll like this . . ."

        "Oh, wait 'till you  . . . "  Their voices faded as they left.

                     *                 *                *

        >)now _that_ was interesting(<
        A hooded figure, obviously female in the way that most comic book
women
are obviously female, appeared from the shadows.  Her features were mostly
hidden beneath a dark cloak and hood.  Under one arm was a VHS tape, hand-
marked, "UN vs LNH  367 of 679," 679 crossed out,"680," 680 crossed out,
"686."

        "Oooh.  Too mysterious."  Tsar Chasm unleashed his attack, adrenaline
still pumping from his near-defeat.

        >)have a care, civilian, lest you become swept up in the backwash of
She Who Must Know . . . Who`'od Win(<
        The voice was hollow from the black depths of her hood.  Her arrogance
annoyed Tsar Chasm, who figured that was HIS territory.

        "She Who Must Know . . . Nice tag line.  Is that the sum total of
you powers?  No, wait a minute, that's right.  You're the one that summons
people to fight.  Who've you done lately.  Anyone?  Rebel Yell and Lurking
Girl
are missing for months.  Can you bring them back?  Have you ever had villians
fight each other, say, in jail?  Have you ever used your powers, really?
Ever?"  Though not brilliant, his attack reeled the Maid of Matchups.

        >)you know not what you do - the Consequences of Contention are
grave(<

        "Catch me. I'm fainting.  What're you going to do, summon Kid Kirby
and
Cheezzarr to stop me?  Oh no, I guess not.  They'd just end up fighting each
other . . ." HHW's eyes grew large under her hood, then clamped shut. 

        >) you cannot pretend to know the forces you toy with . . .(<
        She appeared to be trying to convince herself.
        >) . . . but Kid Kirby and Cheezzarr?  i wonder . . . NO!  curse you
Miami Dolphin Man! (< 
        Her voice became even more hollow.
        >) do not let our paths cross again, lest i bring out the '92
Indianapolis Colts and we discover together . . . Who`'od Win! (<
        With a flourish of her cloak, Hooded Ho`'od Win dissappeared back into
the shadows.

        Tsar Chasm shuddered at the mention of the Colts, but shrugged off
the encounter.  Yes indeed, boredom was no longer the way to characterize this
day.  Ultimate Ninja's ravings grew near, so Tsar Chasm wandered away towards
the Cafeteria.  Some cheesecake might just hit the spot.

                    *                 *            *

        Somewhere in the depths of LNHHQ, Radioactive Man bellowed his rage, 
and it reverberated up and down the Electro-Magnetic spectrum.  A haples
spider
caught the brunt of the irradiation . . .


==========
Next Week The Thrilling Conclusion of The Three Day Lull!
==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer


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