LNH/LNH20/LUNA: FLASH! LNH Comics Presents Monthly #2 (Fixed)

[Drew Perron]

#2                                                                          #2
*============================================================================*
    Since the dawn of the Internet, they have been its defenders! Today, the
  strangest heroes of all protect the world against hate, fear, and apathy! Our
  knights in shining spandex...
*============================================================================*
|          *       THE    LEGION    OF    NET  .  HEROES                     |
| In:  * * F * *                                                             |
|      *   L   *    Legion of     Issue #2, featuring the talents of:        |
|    *   ! A !   *  Net.          Drew Perron        Subnet Mask             |
|      *   S   *    Heroes        Adrian McClure     Dave Van Domelen        |
|      * * H * *    Presents      Mike Friedman (for real this time)         |
|          *        Monthly       And Arthur Spitzer!!!                      |
*============================================================================*
                         Featuring short stories up to:
        [DIAMOND] 100 words * [GOLD] One page * [MOLYBDENUM] Three pages
*============================================================================*
#2                                                                          #2

[LNH] The Core LNH #2.0: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 1
by Drew Perron

    The shocking story of a pet character! Ridiculously indulgent!

[LNH] "The Coredump"

    Where good pushes into the world, evil shall rise to try and push it back!
An unforgettable tale! ...haha...

[LNH/LUNA] "Speaker For the Thread" Part 2
by Dave Van Domelen

    Identity, trenchcoats, and the long cold night...

[LNH20/LUNA] "A Christmas Grumble"
by Adrian McClure

    The difficulty of change, and the hopes that survive when everything else
is gray and dead.

[LNH] "Winter Droid and Suicide Flower Save Christmas!"
by Mike Friedman

    Yeah, to be honest, this is real cute. I'm glad to see the Random Heroes
again!

[LNH] Just Imagine Saxon Brenton and the Writers of RACC in: RACCies the
       Final! Symphony of Genesis #1: "Memory Leak"
by Adrian McClure and Drew Perron

    What is the past? Is it a kind of cake?

[LNH] Philosopher Lass Adventures! #2
by Subnet Mask

    The power of a name! The startling destinies laid down by the Writers
themselves!

[LNH] The Core LNH #2.5: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 2
by Drew Perron

    That's right, we're going full social justice times here! My mad path to
conque-- I mean, um, enjoy a story about PC Person

*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH]---------------------------------------------------------[GOLD]*
*--------------------------------THE CORE LNH--------------------------------*
*--------------Issue #2.0: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 1---------------*
*-------------------------------by Drew Perron-------------------------------*
*============================================================================*

    Kid E pointed at the coolly elegant, Montalban-esque man in black and red.
"TYRANNUS AURON!"
    The other members of The Core LNH looked at each other. Painful Pun Person
raised her hand. "...who?"
    SIGH.
    Kid Enthusiastic patted the writer on the back. "He's a criminal mastermind
from an alternate timeline where he conquered the world, who wished himself
into a universe where he had never existed just for the challenge of it!"
    "Well-put. Thank you for the introduction, young man." Tyrannus Auron
tossed a paper towel in the trash and stepped out of the bathroom, looking up
at the title of the story. "Basic Politeness Gone Mad?" He raised one
elegantly skeptical eyebrow. "I was hoping it would be called 'Tyrannus
Auron's Shocking Victory Over the Legion'."
    "Wait just a minute," said Golden Man, stepping forward, arms crossed, and
looking T. Auron in the eyes. "Criminal mastermind? Shouldn't we be
*arresting* this fellow?"
    Tyrannus Auron smiled and opened his hands wide. "Go ahead. In this world,
all of those crimes are wiped clean."
    "Huh!" said Miss Social-Cues. "That's a good point! Welcome to the LNH."
She grabbed his hand and shook it.
    He disentangled himself gracefully. "Thank you, miss. But I'm afraid I've
come to declare my enmity for your organization, and to register as a net.
villain. However, the receptionist was busy at the moment with another of your
number, so I took the time to use the facilities."
    "...*Net.villain*!" said Golden Man, gesturing with his entire upper body.
    "No, no, he's right," said Hell Catalyst. "There are a lot of totally non-
criminal citizens who are registered net.villains. McLaughlin Man, Dan Didio,
Uma Thurman... You can be an absolutely terrible person without technically
committing a crime at all!"
    "what's wrong with uma thurman," mumbled Skunk Girl.
    Wikiboy had, by this point, realized that this was a comedic banter scene,
and his main function in those was "prop", so he had slipped away to check out
what was happening at the reception desk. There, he came upon an androgynous
human with neat hair and a loudly inoffensive outfit, who he knew as PC
Person, and who was arguing with Lester O'Brien, the receptionist on duty.
    "...I'm just saying," Lester just said, "you can't expect us to ask
*everyone* who comes through here what pronouns they want us to use. Ninety-
nine percent of them just won't *care*!"
    "And *I*'m just saying, it's for that one percent!"
    "I thought we didn't like the one percent," Lester joked, and was met with
a glare.
    "Hey, what's up?" said WikiBoy, approaching carefully due to the whole
"comedic banter prop" thing.
    PC Person put his hands on the counter. He took a deep breath, blew it out
his nose. "I'm just asking our front desk supervisor to give the most basic
respect for our nonbinary guests, and just..." He was more frustrated than
WikiBoy had ever seen him. "I'm just asking him to be *basically polite*!"
    WikiBoy paused. He looked up at the title. "...oh boy."

*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH]---------------------------------------------------------[GOLD]*
*--------------------------------THE COREDUMP--------------------------------*
*-----------------------------by Arthur Spitzer------------------------------*
*============================================================================*

    "I need you," said Captain Coredump staring at the shadow covered man.
"There's this new team.  LNH team!  Something called the Core."  A scowl
flooded his face.  "I need people like you.  The evilest most horrible people.
People that have no mercy.  No lines they won't cross!  No act too despicable
that they'll draw the line at.  I need you join my team.  My new team!!

    "And this team of mine -- will be where ever the Core dares to be.  We'll
be there.  Ready to undo whatever humane or decent act they have accomplished.
This team of mine -- This team called," he made a dramatic pause," -- The
COREDUMP.  This team that will Dump on all the good the Core does.  Do you see
what I did there?  Dump on the Core -- Coredump!  You get that?"

    "Yes," said the Shadow covered man.  "Very clever wordplay, Captain
Coredump.  I dunno though.  I'm flattered that you want me to join your --
Coredump.  Very flattered.  But -- well, since my name is Dr. Has-Never-
Appeared-In-A-Single-Story-Before-This-One -- well, I guess I just think it
would kind of ruin the joke if I actually appeared in another story besides
this one.  Or I'd have to change my name, which I really don't want to do.  So
I guess I'll have to take a pass.  But thanks!"

    And Captain Coredump clenched his fist and made another scowl.  Dang it!

*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH/LUNA]-------------------------------------------------[DIAMOND]*
*---------------------------SPEAKER FOR THE THREAD---------------------------*
*-----------------------------------Part 2-----------------------------------*
*-----------------------------by Dave Van Domelen----------------------------*
*============================================================================*

    As someone who straddles the worlds of the academic and the arcane, I
suppose I qualify as a Trenchcoater.  I do my best to avoid the Net.Trenchcoat
Brigade, but I'm told all Trenchcoaters try to avoid each other.  Besides, a
trenchcoat is too thin for the kind of weather I run into up in Barbaz, in the
land of the frigid midnight Sun.
    My name is Anthony Quatermain (no relation), and the Thread riggers call me
the Antiquarian as a pun on my name.  What they'd call me if they knew I was
also a practitioner of net.cromancy....

*============================================================================*
*[LNH20/LUNA]----------------------------------------------------------[GOLD]*
*----------------------------A CHRISTMAS GRUMBLE-----------------------------*
*-----------------------------by Adrian McClure------------------------------*
*============================================================================*

    I'm a Christmas ghost. Some ghosts haunt houses and scare children at
night, others creep out teenagers by hitching rides to the graveyard. We have
the job of convincing to people to change their lives. Usually we go about in
threes. Every Christmas eve, we get together to appear to someone who's a
miser or an exploiter or a self-absorbed jerk, and try to get them to rethink
their way of life.
    It's not an easy job, I'll tell you what. You've all heard of Ebeneezer
Scrooge, right?. Well, you're lucky if you can get that kind of lightning-
flash conversion once in a hundred years. Most people just go on, carrying
about this little twinge of guilt, living their lives day to day just like
they always have. Sometimes it eventually all adds up and they start doing
things differently. But it takes time. Years, usually. And that's if they do
listen.
    A lot of times we get people to feel the big dramatic epiphany and it
doesn't make any difference anyway. Last year I appeared to Sexy-Disturbed-
Sparkly-Vampire-Man to try to get him to be more emotionally open with people
he loves. He had this big realization, tried to start calling up his friends
more. A year later, he was back to being the same old jerk he always was. What
can you do? It's not like you can go back and haunt him a second time. Maybe
it didn't work because he's a vampire and I'm a ghost and we're both undead, I
don't know. Or maybe the universe doesn't want some people to develop so it
can keep wringing out the drama.
    The job is hard, and it's getting harder. These days it seems like there's
more greed, cruelty and callousness than ever. People don't want to help the
poor and vulnerable. They keep shouting the same excuses that were old in
Scrooge's time. "Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?" and
"#alllivesmatter," it's all the same. I've been doing this for hundreds of
years. We've gone from candles to gaslight to electric lamps, but sometimes it
feels like nothing ever changes.
    Still, sometimes it pays off. There was a mother a couple years ago who
wanted to kick her daughter out of the house for being trans. I visited her
and made her understand what she was doing, and she changed her mind. Now
she's paying for her daughter's wedding to her fiancee. I was just there--I'm
a ghost so I can't drink myself, but that means I get to have fun watching all
the humans get drunk. So see, sometimes it works. You have to hold on to those
moments and treasure them, so you can keep going in the rough times.
    We Christmas ghosts have a hell of a lot of work to do this year. I don't
envy the ones who have to visit the President Elect. So this Christmas, when
you're spending time with your family and opening the presents, spare a
thought for the ghosts.

*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH]---------------------------------------------------------[GOLD]*
*---------------WINTER DROID AND SUICIDE FLOWER SAVE CHRISTMAS---------------*
*------------------------------by Mike Friedman------------------------------*
*============================================================================*

‘Twas the week before Christmas and Star Wars was out
The Random Heroes were traveling all around and about
Except for Winter Droid and Suicide Flower, stuck at HQ
Monitoring criminal activities, and saying "achoo"

They both had colds, you see – but they wanted to go
And see the new film in IMAX, at the 9:30 show
So, they decided to check out early and split
After Suicide Flower said "enough of this sh--"

So, Winter Droid, on his skis, got all bundled up
He carried Suicide Flower and yelled "hurry up"
They skied down the mountain as fast as they could
To see a great film, or at least hoped that they would

Down the slopes they skidded, as snow beat down
Winter Droid caught big air and ollie'd into town
But as the storm picked up, what did they see?
A sled and eight reindeer, crashed into a tree

They heard a "Ho Ho!" and look all around
There was a chubby man with his head on the ground
"Get me up," the man said, dressed in a suit that was red
"I think I have an injury to my brain and my head"

"But Star Wars is starting in just 15 minutes!"
Screamed Suicide Flower, "I've reached my limits!
There's previews to see and popcorn to buy
We have no such time to deal with this guy!"

"This guy?" said the Droid, "This man is Santa!
We need to help him, for that is our mantra
‘We are one with the force and the force is with us'
Let's help him out so he can get back to business."

Winter Droid lifted the jolly old man by his belt
The Flower just grumbled, "At least my Icee won't melt"
After a bit, Santa was back up on two feet
With a thank you, he boarded his sleigh in the sleet

A few quick repairs and he was ready to fly
With a wink and a smile he went up in the sky
The two heroes watched as he flew out of sight
"Merry Christmas to all, well... in half a fortnight"

"We missed the show!" Flower was totally bummed
But Winter Droid was happy, he sang and he hummed
"Why are you happy?" the Flower inquired
"I just am," said the Droid (in a way we admired)

As the two trudged home, what should appear?
On the horizon, a beacon! And as they drew near...
‘Twas a wrapped present, set adrift in the snow
The label said "from Santa" and "on with show!"

The two had saved Christmas and now to this day
There would always be Rogue One in stunning 4K Blu-Ray

*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH]---------------------------------------------------[MOLYBDENUM]*
*-----------JUST IMAGINE SAXON BRENTON AND THE WRITERS OF RACC IN:-----------*
*-------------------RACCIES THE FINAL! SYMPHONY OF GENESIS-------------------*
*--------------------------Issue #1: "Memory Leak"---------------------------*
*---------------------by Adrian McClure and Drew Perron----------------------*
*============================================================================*

    Adrian McClure was happy. Or he should have been, anyway. That's what he
told himself. The world was perfect, or at least as close to perfect as it
would ever get. He'd gone from being part of a small community of writers who
wrote superhero stories on Usenet, largely ignored by the rest of the world,
to one of the next generation of leaders and visionaries who helped change
everything. And he was married. It wasn't long ago that he couldn't even have
imagined that; it had almost seemed a bigger hurdle than fixing global
warming. Everything was all right. Except for one thing. The only real
problem--a few years ago, the past had started disappearing.
    They hadn't noticed it for a long time. It had started with the cave
paintings. People assumed they'd just vanished because of vandalism, and after
a little bit, they forgot. There was so much else going on in the world. When
the Native American archaeological sites started vanishing, no one who wasn't
Native cared, of course.
    And then the pyramids of Giza vanished. The Sphinx was still there, right
beside them. A whole crowd had gathered to see the pyramids and then
found themselves confused about what they were doing. The thing was, all the
books, works of art, and everything else that referred to the pyramids were
still there.
    Many people said that wasn't a bad thing--after all, wasn't it best to
forget the way the world was before? Adrian had never thought like that,
though. History always interested him--digging deeper, exploring the roots of
things. It was only the ancient past that was being lost now, but what would
happen when it got further? What would happen when the Declaration of
Independence disappeared--or, more crucially, the Cosmic Plot Device Caper?
    Well, someone would solve that problem. He was sure of it.

****

    Adrian's wife lay down on her bed. It was a good marriage and she was
happy--at least, that's what she told herself. Sure, he was away a lot of the
time, taking care of world business, or holed up writing. Sometimes it seemed
like they barely talked to each other anymore.
    The mansion they shared together could have gotten awfully lonely, if it
weren't for the cat. Alice was a stray they'd picked up shortly after getting
married. She was energetic and adventurous, getting into everything she wasn't
supposed to. They'd called her Lydia at first, but they weren't sure whether
Andrew Foltz would find that flattering or not. Alice was a very one-person
sort of cat--she got along all right with Adrian, but she loved his wife. She
often sat beside her, plopping down on her lap when she was trying to use the
computer. It didn't matter, even if she did get a lot of hair on it. Adrian's
wife was happy for the company.
    Adrian's wife stroked Alice, who was lying on top of her. "I'm forgetting
something," she told herself. "What is it?" Maybe it was about grocery
shopping? No, she was sure it was something more basic than that.
    Alice meowed. Maybe she was trying to answer? She always seemed like the
sort of cat who knew more than she was allowed to say.
    "Well, anyway." She frowned, looking at the dollhouse in her room beside
her bed. "You know, I'm not really sure what that's doing here." She shook her
head. They must have gotten it for their children. If they were going to have
them. "Wait, hold on." She got off of bed, reluctantly pushing Alice out of
the way, and examined it closely. "Why is there a hole in it? Did you do
that?"
    Alice just meowed.
    "I'll get it fixed later. If we ever have kids. Or something." She walked
off to make breakfast.
    And inside the dollhouse, which had once been the House of Bertrand Weevil,
the six displaced net.heroes woke up.

*============================================================================*
*[LNH]-----------------------------------------------------------------[GOLD]*
*------------------------PHILOSOPHER LASS ADVENTURES!------------------------*
*----------------------------------Issue #2----------------------------------*
*-------------------------------by Subnet Mask-------------------------------*
*============================================================================*

THIS TIME, I, NARRATOR LASS have CHOSEN to start IN MEDIA RES--

"Ah, in the middle of the story."

--yes, it seems PHILOSOPHER LASS has EXPLAINED the LATIN of the situation.
Even now, she is FACE TO FACE with ARISTOKRAT VON IRREDEEMABLE, who--

"Wait, are you really irredeemable, or is that just a family name?"

"Yes, I fear that is how the writer RESPONSIBLE for my CREATION chose to MAKE
ME. AND THUS I have no choice but to do EVIL, for it is the sole purpose I was
CREATED for!"

WAIT! I'm pretty sure that talking about a WRITER CHEAPENS the EXPERIENCE of
READING THIS! It MAKES IT MORE FAKE!?

"Hmm. Doesn't it give a good experience to the reader to feel like they're in
a real world with characters, though? Just having always positive things
happen makes it feel unreal."

"IMAGINE, PHILOSOPHER LASS, if you HAVE THE WILL: GENDER DYSPHORIA LAD. He is
VERY UPSET that even his name misgenders him. How cruel to create him. And
yet, can you DESTROY HIM!? For that would mean NO EXISTENCE AT ALL!"

I think she'd be HAPPIER as GENDER EUPHORIA LASS!

"I think he has a point, though. Why not just start there, as a writer?"

If you don't like it, ARISTOKRAT VON IRREDEEMABLE, why don't you just BECOME
SOMEONE DIFFERENT!?

"Unlike GENDER EUPHORIA LASS, were I stripped of my VON IRREDEEMABLE moniker,
what purpose would I have? Why even EXIST?"

"Well, the Legion of Net Heroes does seem to have a lot of irony. Having
someone with your name on the side of good certainly wouldn't be out of
place."

"I, ARISTOKRAT VON IRREDEEMABLE, refuse to EXIST as a MERE HIPSTER! You have
not DISSUADED me at all! I shall COMMENCE WITH MY EVIL PLAN!"

"...What was your plan? How can you be certain it was evil?"

"I'll EXPLAIN IT to you... WAIT, have we RUN OUT OF SPACE!? For WHAT PURPOSE
was my SUFFERING!? For WHAT PURPOSE my MONOLOGUES!?"

*============================================================================*
*[CLASSIC LNH]---------------------------------------------------------[GOLD]*
*--------------------------------THE CORE LNH--------------------------------*
*--------------Issue #2.5: "Basic Politeness Gone Mad!" Part 2---------------*
*-------------------------------by Drew Perron-------------------------------*
*============================================================================*

     PC Person was more frustrated than WikiBoy had ever seen him. "I'm just
asking him to be *basically polite*!"
    WikiBoy paused. He looked up at the title. "...oh boy."
    Just then, Golden Man strode out of the hallway, holding Tyrannus Auron up
by his suit jacket and advancing towards the door, the rest of the Core LNH
running after. "...and I don't care if it *is* legal! It's psychopathic!"
    PC Person's ears twitched. He turned around, took a deep breath, and
marched over, standing between Golden Man and the doors. "Um... excuse me, but
'psychopathic' is a rather ableist term that isn't actually sanctioned as a
diagnosis by any psychiatric or psychological organization."
    "Hi, PC!" said Kid Enthusiastic. "Thanks for letting us know!"
    "Yes, but don't worry about it," said Golden Man, stepping around him.
"We're just going to-- dump some refuse--"
    Tyrannus Auron slipped nimbly from his jacket, stepping away, standing up,
and brushing himself off. "PC Person, eh? I must say I'm not familiar."
    "I'm not surprised," muttered PC Person, running his hand through his hair.
"Not super appreciated around here..."
    "Hmmmmm, I see..." said Tyrannus Auron. His grin made WikiBoy uneasy.
    "Sokay, PC!" said Painful Pun Person, giving him a pat on the shoulder.
"Lame people never get person power!"
    PC Person grimaced, fingers clenching. "*Act*ually..." He took in a breath,
let it out. "Actually, 'lame' is really ableist too..."
    WikiBoy watched him melt the anger away - for the moment. "Nope, this isn't
good." He tugged Hell Catalyst's elbow as she passed by. "I think we're gonna
need to deal with..."
    "Just a sec, WikiBoy," said HC. Like a soft wave around your ankles on the
perfect day on the beach, the sense she was listening washed over his mind,
and he let go. "Now look, Mr. Auron - you don't need net.villainy to have
challenge in your life!"
    "Yeah!" said Kid E, immersed in debate. "And net.heroing is way more fun!"
    "Teaming up with these guys is enough of a challenge," said Skunk Girl.
    "Understandably so," said T. Auron. "But I'm afraid that would take away
from making sure the world is run correctly, and I'm rather serious about
that. Don't you agree? PC Person?" There was a terrible glimmer in his eye.
    PC Person took in a breath, let it out, and gave him the stinkeye. "I know
what you're doing," he muttered, so quiet that only WikiBoy and T. Auron could
hear. Louder, he said, "The world could be run *much* better, yes. But change
imposed from above doesn't stick. It needs to be people who change."
    "Yeah!" said Miss Social-Cues. "Your idea's really dumb!"
    "Megalomania is crazy like a pox," said Painful Pun Person.
    "Indeed," said Golden Man. "Real men don't act this way."
    PC Person twitched, arms curling in on his chest. "That's... that's not
what I..." His fists squeezed together, and his legs shook. "Could you..."
    "...um," said Kid Enthusiastic, empathy kicking in. "Is PC Person okay?"
    "oh no," whispered WikiBoy.
    "Could you *please* *just* *NOT*!?" All at once, PC Person threw his limbs
wide and thrust out his chest! With a thunderous BOOM, out burst a great
orange-red flame!

*============================================================================*
Authors' Notes and Administrivia:

DREW: Oh god. I'm so sorry, Arthur. ;-; I was up late, and it was already
late, and aaaaaa, I'm sorry

Drew "total jerk" Perron