LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #29: Retcon Hour OMEGA

[Drew Perron]

On 8/17/2016 8:44 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
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> (>)             RETCON HOUR PARTS 28-30             (<)
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> (>)                RETCON HOUR OMEGA                (<)
>  _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _   _
> (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)

WOO! It all ends here! (And boy, it really *does* feel epic by this point.)

>      When last we left our intrepid cavalcade of characters, the
> RACCelestial Madonna had been selected (VAMMO Woman...who'd have
> made that call?) and was now serving as a "Living Anchor" for the
> Looniverse.

To be honest, I don't really know what VAMMO Woman's schtick was (other than 
going "VAMMO!"). I need to read Jungle Cheesecake sometime.

> Now, he had tried juggling...he had tried cosmic
> twister...and now, he was trying a new tactic. He was explaining
> supply side economics to them.
>      "And so, as you can plainly see from this chart, the wealthy
> will allow their largess to _Trickle_ down like rainfall,..."

Oh god, Reaganomics. x.x whyyyyy

> Then, with a flourish Siegfried and Roy (Hello Siegfried! Hello
> Roy!) would have been proud of, the energy that was Deadmeat Earth
> was placed into Loonivearth.

Interesting.

>      Deductive Logic Man looked up from the computer screen and
> pursed his lips.  "Logically, either we will or we won't defeat wReamicus
> Maximus.  If we don't, you're right nothing here matters much at all.
> But if we do, we've got a lot of loose ends to clean up.  Contraption
> Man is among the biggest."

That is honestly a really excellent point, and exactly the role characters like 
DLM *should* be playing in a situation like this. <3

>      "There may be no consistent Time stream, but if we look at
> the cause-and-effect chain, there is still a fairly strong Continuity.
> Look," the detective gestured at the screen.  "Contraption  Man built the
> Peril Room.  I've run all the diagnostics and there is no anomoly.  If he
> were evil from the start, what better way to strike at us than there?
>      "Also, the Universal Anchor worked supremely well at it's job.  It
> wasn't until later that the backfitting began.  Clearly, he was a Net.Hero
> until _some point_.  We need to find that point."

And these are really good points, too.

>      "Wh-who are you?"
>      The robed figure grabbed him by the collar.  "I'm Crap-man.
> Ha, I've always wanted to say that, no actually I'm the POST-Cry.Sig
> Crapper.

heeheehee

>      post-TC continued.  "Since I know how all this will turn out, I have
> decided to alter history in the only way that could change anything.

Well that makes sen--

> Now is the time of the CRAPPER MERGING!"

Oh lordy. o.o

>      pre-TC was the first to realize what it meant.  Not
> surprisingly, he began fleeing.
>      "Oh don't be such a baby."  post-TC slipped time and caught
> him, then began the merging of the two Crappers.
>      What we mean by merging of two time masters, one composed
> entirely of doody, is so nauseatingly gross, so horrendously vile
> that it's best to just cut away to....

Nyurghle @.@ Whyfor you do this to yourself

>      Decibel Dude groaned as he peeled his sticky face off of the
> floor. Apparently, he'd passed out after bringing the Tiara of
> Density to the Pageant...and also apparently, nobody bothered to
> wake him up or anything.

No respect for the supporting roles in the crossover.

>      "Nick, things are bad!" Said Vigilante-Dressing Guy. "Thanks
> to Entity I've ALMOST overcome the affect of the retcon. I mean,
> I still CRAVE a nice salad smothered in creamy delicous ranch,
> but I no longer fight crime with it."
>      "That's good to hear...and slightly disturbing."

Heeheehee

> I must send you and Vigilante-Dressing Guy to
> Reverseworld, where good and evil are backwards.

*opens up wiki* Now, which reversed-morality LNH is this? Does it show up elsewhere?

> There, the LNH
> is a capable organization of evil, rather than a bumbling group
> of do-gooders."
>      "HEY!" Yelled the two net.heroes. "We aren't BUMBLING.
> Hapless, maybe, but not bumbling."

Heeheehee <3

>      Entity looked down from his mushroom. "Are you sure we
> should have sent them?"
>      "Would you rather have let them get involved in the main
> plot? I still can't believe that Swordmaster hasn't been diverted
> off to another universe by SOMEONE!"

*snerk*

>      The Legion of Occult Heroes. Proud mystic defenders against
> all sorts of menaces, except  all the silly menaces were magical.
> Green Trenchcoat, Demon Boy, Leviathan Lass, GrimLad and Mr.
> Trenchcoat, fighting in their snazzy spandex costumes against
> menaces like the Midnight Lurker, Ahhhch Peyyye the demon who
> used Adjectives as weapons, and Dark Typeface, Master of Satanic
> Fonts. The Legion bravely...

Heeheehee

>      "I hate to interrupt, but we have more important things to
> deal with than whether we actually exist or not."

Anti-existentialism! How avant-garde!

>      "I think Jean-Paul Sarte might have..."
>      "Jean-Paul Sarte?" A loud, reverent tone of music sounded.
> "JEAN-PAUL SARTE!" The LOH looked around at each other.

Speaking of!

>      "We're the Load Island Renegades. I'm Swordmaster, this is
> CAW, and the guy in the silly rodent costume is the Squealing
> Airborne Rodent, or S.A.R. We fight evil, if somewhat
> reluctantly, and were just on our way to wReamicus Maximus' base
> when the Rac.ctre told us to swing by here and pick you up."
>      "Why'd he do that?" Said Leviathan Lass.
>      "Well, he said that you were too busy arguing about the
> retcons to get off of your asses and do anything."

Heeheehee.

>      "Ouch, that smarts. But all this angst is neccesary
> character development."
>      "Look," said Swordmaster. "Haven't you READ any of these
> pointless crossover events? There's no TIME for character
> development.

*sigh* True @-@

>      Myk-El was flying above Net.Ropolis.  Despite the rampanty chaos
> beneath him, he was focussed entirely on using his super-smell.
> The TimeCrapper had twisted  Myk-El's Continuity for his own
> plot, and now he would pay.It did not take long for Myk-El's
> super-nose to find the distinctive odor of an
> ambulatory pile of poo-poo.  Of course after the initial locating
> the nose was to become a liability, but that did not change Myk-El's
> dramatic entrance through the roof of Crapper's Bathrum Sanctorum.

This is a great paragraph.

>      "You have twisted me, mocked me, and perverted me for your own ends
> Crapper.  It will stop!  By the SunStations of QWERTY I will have
> my Continuity back!  (Geez you stink)"

I love how the parenthetical overcomes the drama of the moment.

>      The pile of crap was in argument with itself.
>      **What do you mean you _forgot_ getting hit by Myk-El?!?**
> asked pre.
>      **This whole episode was pretty confusing, now that I think
> about it** admitted post sheepishly.  **I even forget if we win.**

Still a better fusion than Malachite.

>      Suddenly, a star erupted in the portajohn warehouse.  At
> it's center was the glowing figure of VAMMO Woman, the RACCelestial
> Madonna.
>
>      "NO CRAPPER!  ONLY MYK-EL HAS BEEN RETCONNED MORE THAN I.  HIS
> INJUSTICE WILL END.  BESIDES THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A POWERPC
> SUNSTATION.  IT IS A _SPARC_.

I'M SO CONFUSED. XD

>      The faux Sunstation exploded in a shower of sparcs (pun
> brought to you by the makers of 'Tubermencsh').  In the SPARC glow,
> Myk-El rose dramatically.  He clenched his fists.

Oh, man, I can definitely imagine this panel. :D

>      Myk-El grabbed CM, still smeared with TC goo.  "What was
> that?"
>      "Well, I could think of nothing worse to do to them than to force them
> to stay united, trapped forever in the antiseptic water.  That device
> confines them to the portajohn -- together."
>      The portajohn began whirling about as the villains panicked, then
> disappeared as post-TC fled back to the future.

Ouch, jeez. And the thing is, I think this is the last we see of either - until 
the version that shows up in the Infinite Leadership Crisis and 58.5, anyway, 
who seems to be an offshoot version of the original.

>      "So would you call that a TURDIS?" asked CM smugly.
>      Myk-El shook the villain.  "Nevermind your past villainies: trying
> to kill Deductive Logic Man and Dr. Stomper... unhinging the Time
> Stream and making it possible for the Crapper to Retcon me repeatedly...
> drawing all the alternative Earths to this one...  creating villains to
> abort the RACCelestial Madonna Pageant... serving the man that will
> destroy all continuity as we know it.  We could maybe forgive all that,
> but THAT LAST PUN WAS CRIMINAL!"

*cackles fiendishly*

>   "Here me, Legionaires!" the Rac.ctre pleaded.  "You must come with me
> now to confront wReamicus Maximus before it is too late!"
>   "Sure... Fine... Whatever... Got nothing better to do..." were
> the various responses that Legionaires gave.

Heeheehee.

>   "Keep running! Don't let them get close!"
>   "No %*#&$in' joke, Bristle! Those Nazis are going to... who's *that*?"

Sigh. Why didn't *they* make a cameo in the other storylines? ;-;

>   Continuity Champ Junior smirked.  "BTB, I want you to concentrate on those
> chains --"
>   "What do you _think_ I've been doing?!  Geez!"
>   "No!  I mean concentrate on seeing to it that those chains remain
> absolutely unbreakable, that nothing short of the Hulk on steroids is going
> to be able to break them."

Yeah, I'll admit that's pretty good~

>   The seven of them disappeared and found themselves...
>
>
> in a pocket dimension from which wReamicus Maximus planned to rule all
> reality!

I would have liked some description. :I

>   "Well. All the LNH gathered here to oppose me. How touching. How quaint.
> How 'Infinity Gauntlet'.

Ah, yes, good times.


>      "And I reckon that some evil varmint made a pact with your
> pa, and cursed you with Swordsmanship powers?" said Mr
> Trenchcoat, in desperate need of someone who could write a
> british accent of any kind properly.

I'm enjoying this running gag. :D

>      "Again on the nose."
>      "And the demon that you dad made the pact with is called
> Frank?" Leviathan Lass finished up the summation.
>      "You know it."
>      "The colors...The colors.." Green Trenchcoat was rolling
> around dazed by the non sequitorial nature of Swordmaster's
> origin.

Heeheehee

>      "Yeah, we seem to be proficent in it." Said Mr. Trenchcoat.
> Everybody stopped to gawk at him. "What?"
>      "Your voice...it's...ENGLISH! And in the proper accent,
> too!"
>      "Yeah, well, I realized that if Patric Stewart could
> convince people he was french with a East Ender's accent like
> that, then I could ignore the running gag."

*cackles*

>      "I found him! C'mere, guys!" Demon Boy had marked the proper
> page of the DEMONOMONIKERON. "Dark Lord...True name, Brady,
> Bobby."

So does he have anything to do with Black Brady, the Spine of Satan?

> Boy, LNH demons sure break easy. All I had to do was crack my
> knuckles, and he folded like a Tandoori shop during the
> Troubles."

Okay that one's probably in bad taste. ^^;

>      "DECIBEL DUDE! V-GUY! DUDE WE'VE NEVER MET!"
>      "Captain Seamus Oblivion, last survivor of Reverseworld, at
> your service."
>      "It was horrible! wReamicus Maximus retconned reverseworld
> out of existence! We barely made it out in one piece! What an
> epic adventure!"
>      "Yeah, good thing the writer avoided that stirring tale and
> instead bored us with this whole Frank thing, huh?"

Heeheehee. Ahhhh, I see.

>   "Well, Let's start with the ones who have continuity powers. Continuity
> Champ and Doctor Stomper... will be afflicted with Legionnaire's Disease."
>   "Hey! That crossover isn't for another two months, at least!

No, Birth of a Villain wasn't until years la-- oh you meant.

>   And as wRift speaks, it occurs. U-Force is instantly clad in much tackier
> costumes, and are actually smiling for once.
>   "Usenet-Force, sound off!"
>   "Rac.coon Man!"
>   "Net Nurse!"
>   "Phiber Optik!"
>   "Hard Drive!"
>   "Argo.net!"
>   "Bris.telnet!"

I like these names better, TBH.

>   "The question isn't what I can do... It's what *we* can do." From behind
> Myk-El, dozens of varaiants of him sprang out: Joker Myk-El; Weapon Myk-El;
> Myk-El Force and bout nine different Squalors.
>   "They may have retconned me a thousand ways... but each time, another
> version came into being. And now, wRift, WE ALL ARE MAJORLY PISSED AT
> YOU."
>   "HA! All of you combined couldn't defeat me!"
>   "Oh, no?" The Myk-Els started merging. one after another, their forms
> dissapeared in a processes more birth than death. Finally, there was one left.
> He was newly rejuvenated, in a kickin' new costume, and quite mighty. "Hear
> me now, wRift! I am the total of all Myk-Els... and I WILL NOT BE RETCONNED
> AGAIN!"

I do love this sort of thing. :D All of my pasts, and all of my futures, all of 
my fates - united as one, against *you*!

>   <(Use your mind, Champ. The power is within.)>
>   .o(Use my mind, use my mind.. Myk-El resisted a retcon... retcons change
> the past.. Know myself.. use your mind.. power within... Myk-El's past..
> mind.. remind.. power in the mind... mind.. past.. mind the past..
> reminding.. think of the past..)
>   "..."
>   "THAT'S IT!"

:D :D :D I ALSO LOVE THIS. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.

>   CCJr's words thundered forth, maximally amplified by the sonic powers of
> D-Dude. "Listen up, everybody! Even wRift's power cannot retcon our past if
> we will *remember* it! Think of all the good- and if needed- bad things in
> your past! Remember *who* you are, for only memories can defeat a retcon!"

YEAH!

>   "I couldn't have said it any better myself, son."
>   "CONTINUITY CHAMP!"
>   Continuity Champ nodded.  "The Rac.ctre came to the Drizztsat and told
> me I was needed... but you seem to have things well in hand here," he said
> with a smile.

Man. This moment really sets up everything that comes after with CCJr., doesn't it?

>   "Of course, evildoer! No chronal disruption goes unnoticed by...
> CAPTAIN CONTINUITY!"
>   "But... you can't *exist*! I destroyed your earlier self! Continuity
> Champ is gone!"
>   "That's what you'd like to think, isn't it, wReamicus? But the future
> changes as easily as the past, and you really don't know either that well.
> If you did, you'd have realized who I am by now." The Captain slowly
> removed his mask, revealing his true identity...
>   "No!"
>   "I-it can't be!"
>   "CONTINUITY CHAMP JUNIOR?!?!"

:D :D :D <3 <3 <3 So cool.

>   And he did. In a single eternal moment of time, everything dissappeared
> except for that moment. The entire universe, and everyone and everything in
> it, was gone, save those inside wRift's domain.

This is like the final battle in a JRPG. I want to see all of wRift's various forms.
>   "And you, wReamicus, are finished! I challenge you to a duel. A duel for
> the ring!"
>   "What? Are you joking? First off, the name is wRift. And secondly, I
> would never- nev- alright."
>   "Huh?", asks CCjr.
>   "Wait! Why on *earth* did I agree to that?"
>   "You're still a wReam character. And no wReam character can resist a
> gratuitous fight scene."
>   "But.. bu.. Indeed. My hand is forced.

Heeheehee :D :D :D There's something in here about following your true nature 
that ties in with Myk-El and remembering your past and stuff like that, but no 
time for that, gratuitous fight scene!

>   "Here. Take this sword."
>   "Sword? I never use the things."
>   "Huh?"
>    From absolutely nowhere, wRift hauled out two huge, lethal axes. "I
> prefer these. Much more 'evil world-controlling madman', don't you think?"
>   "But.. buh.. you have to use swords!"
>   "Says who? I know your power, Swordmaster, and I know how to defeat it.

That's also real clever. :D

>   "Right." CCJr. grabbed the hand, slid the ring off, and put it on his
> own hand. Then, with a deep purpose in his eyes, he raised his fist to the sky.
> Pure retcotheric energy crackled around him in a gigantic splash panel.
>   "Now, it's time to set things right with the Looniverse! First off, to
> bring the LNH baooooffff!!!"

Hey, you're not supposed to use physical attacks at this point! I call foul.

> One eternal instant later, it was done.
>   And the Looniverse was whole once more.

*sunset over the ocean*

>   wReamicus stood up, smiled broadly at Continuity Champ Junior, then
> began to speak...
>   "RAgga neeeee! Muggy wakkkii sksksksssss!"
>   "What?"
>   "His mind's gone. Utterly and completely. I don't think he'll ever become
> sane again. The ring limits your options at times. *sigh*

Nah, he'll be fine.

>   "There is only one thing I can do." Continuity Champ Junior focused
> deeply, and the ring very slowly faded away.
>   "Did you destroy it?"
>   "I wish I could. All I could do is dispower it as much as possible, and
> send it into the past. At the very creation of the Looniverse. I think that
> ought to put it out of reach."

Eheh. `-`;

>   "Continuity is a noble pursuit- but it's merely a means to an end.
> Even in ancient times- in Greek mythology- continuity became a problem as
> gods suddenly developed multiple heritage. But the Greeks didn't care...
> what mattered to them were the stories. What is most important, what
> has always been most important and what will be most important...
>
>   ..is the story."
>
>   With this, Continuity Champ Junior turned to the audience, and gave a
> conspiratorial wink. He then turned and walked away with the rest of the LNH.

Yeah, that's a pretty good ending. :>

>      IMPLO appeared suddenly at the rubbled battleground.
> "RETCON HOUR is cancelled!   I, uh, oh."  He glanced nervously at
> the fatigued but victorious heroes, who were not amused by his appearance.
>      "Well it is!" he said defiantly.

I still don't quite get what his deal was. @-@ Ah well...

>      Suddenly, the door to the street flew open (which pretty much
> contradicts most LNHHQ floorplans to date.  Chalk it up as a
> minor Retcon after shock).  A figure dressed in black slouch hat and
> cloak stood in the pouring rain, a small square of white cloth at his
> throat.  (Again, chalk up the aberrant weather to a meteorological fluke
> created by all the superpowers excercised lately) The dark figure carried
> a black bag.
>      "Contraption Man's problem is not medical.  It is
> _spiritual_."
>
>              [continued in LNH Triple Play #5 this fall!]

Oof. Not sure how that story's gonna hold up. @.@;
>      "JOIN ME MYK-EL.  BEING THE COSMIC GUARDIAN OF ALL LNH CONTINUITY AND
> THE LIVING ANCHOR FOR THE LOONIVERSE... will be lonely."
>
>      Myk-El looked up into her kind, sad eyes.  "You allowed me to redeem
> myself.  Of course I will go.  Just promise me you'll learn to whisper."

awwwww. That's a good ending for that. :>

>      "How do you think they`ll handle it?"
>      "Handle what?"
>      "Not being real."
>      Withnail shrugged, and drank of his pint of Large. "Their
> problem. Time for another round, I think."

I would have gone with "Same as any of us." But that's just me.

>      Judak rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she walked out into
> the main bay of the Drizztsat.  The Drizzt, Deja Dude, the Radiant
> Rollerblader and Continuity Champ were sipping coffee and discussing the
> Retcon aftermath in relieved tones.
>      "....messy, but finally finished.  If I ever see another
> party game...."
>      Judak noticed all the games spread out across the tables. "Wow looks
> like I missed a heck of a party.  Anyone want a quick game of
> Cosmic Wimpout?"
>      She was unprepared for the four cups of hot coffee that were flung at
> her.

Heeheehee. <3

Drew "man, that was a *heck* of a fun thing tho" Perron