LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #28: Retcon Hour Psi

[Drew Perron]

On 8/9/2016 10:40 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> (Side note here:  I plotted a bit of this issue with the
> whole Chuggernaut/Time Whino trying to kidnap the
> RACCelstial Madonna to force her to make beer commercials.
> Just so you know -- Arthur "Credit Hog" Spitzer)

Ahhhhh, that's great :D

> THE LEGION OF OCCULT HEROES #0

Ahhhhh! :D Good stuff. I really need to get back to that re-read.

>         There was an explosion. Only a little one, though.

Well that's good

> Sometimes I wonder about your powers."
>         "That you may do. But do I question yours?"
>         "No. But I wish somebody would."

That's some good low-key characterization.

> 	There was, for one blessed moment, silence. Then it began.
>         "This is your fault," accused Mr. Trenchcoat.

Heeheehee.

>         "Well, to put it simply, in Layman`s terms (an obscure
> physicist from the nineteenth century whose work on contrareality
> flows I am a student of),

Heh heh heh.

> 	"Er. We got a bit delayed, I`m afraid. After you left to take
> the message to Israishus, we were attacked by this horde of
> Shishirishni," said the younger of the men.

Actually, it's fascinating how they - and the narrative - get away with assuming 
Green Trenchcoat *is* male, just because they have no obvious gender markers. 
Both an indicator of our societal prejudices and a sign of the times - something 
like this would probably at least be pointed out as Suspicious nowadays.

> 	"You don`t exist," added Mr. Trenchcoat, helpfully. The three
> heroes were understandably none too happy about this. They looked to
> Doctor Stomper.
> 	"I`m sorry, but it`s true. I don`t remember you either."
> 	"Excuse me...?" asked the receptionist.
> 	"We`re busy," said Grim.
> 	"I just wanted autographs. I`ve never seen the LOH all
> together before..."
> 	The woman snapped back at Grim. "There! Somebody remembers
> us!"

Competing realities! :D There's something meaningful in here about "which 
reality has precedence", I think. The people who only exist because of retcons - 
is that existence wrong?

> Amongst the rubble, the various LOHers, NTBers and LNHers
> struggled to break free of large quantities of ex-reception area that
> were attempting to entrap them.

That's a great line.

> 	"VERY WELL! PREPARE TO BE ANNIHILATED!" IMPLO raised arms,
> burdened with force, and prepared to beat Mr. Trenchcoat into very
> small pieces. He struck. And struck. And struck.
> 	And Mr. Trenchcoat was still standing there. He held aloft a
> playing card, that glowed from it`s centre, a popular sigil upon it
> that beat back at IMPLO.
> 	"NO... NO! I SHALL RETURN!" and with that, the creature was
> gone.
> 	Dust settled. "Care to explain?" asked Grim.
> 	"Ace Up The Sleeve. Only works in moments of dire peril, and
> as a last resort. Got it off a man in Alaska."

That is a *really* cool moment. :D And very trenchcoat-y.

>               _	         Due to Retcon Hour......
>              | |      Tales of the			
>              | |                      =
>              | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
>              | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \
>           ===============is=CANCELLED!====================
>              |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
>                                  ||
>                                 |_|  OF NET.HEROES

I love when they play with the logos. :D

> 	Now appearing as Tales of the Net.Trenchcoat.Brigade

*giggles*

> Panta threw her left arm across her breasts and dropped her other hand to
> cover herself between her legs and in the classic pose of a woman found
> undressed, screamed!

Not super original, but then, I've gone there before myself >#>

> On the top of folded clothes was a thick envelope tied with a red string.

The red string of altered fate?

> At the bottom of the suitcase were several razors and 10 cans of Super
> Strength Hair-Removing 'Nair'. It was Panta's hairless face that was staring
> back at her from the identification card and Net.si Party ID card.

Yeesh. That's... that's rough. ^^;

> I had left word with Bad-Timing Boy that you had been
> transferred to the Net.Trenchcoat.Brigade. Unfortunately for Bad-Timing Boy,
> he stated this fact - in rather bald and insulting terms - to IMPLO. Dr.
> Stomper believes that the bandages should come off any day now.'

Heeheehee

> 'and in order to return to the Legion of Net.Heroes Looniverse, you must
> attempt to recover the Tiara of Density which is now in the hands of Adolf
> Hitler.'

Oh, *nice* use of the crossover.

> Panta threw down the letter. "Stranger, you b____d!" she yelled into the air.
> "You aren't Al, my name isn't Sam Beckett and this isn't _Quantum Leap_!"

Heeheehee.

>   Tigra appears in Marvel Presents #162! She's back. She's back! She's back!!!]

That's adorable :>

> When last we left the Nicks (Eggbeater, a.k.a. Decibel Dude, Naime,
> the Master of Minutae, and Furry, the Guy With the Big Flamin'
> Guns), they were riding a train for Berlin, where they're going to
> try and swipe the Tiara of Density from Adolf Hitler.

Welp :D

>    "All three of us?" asked Furry.
>    "No. Just Nick."
>    "Which one?" asked Furry and Eggbeater.

Heeheehee

>    "So what are you two gonna be doing while I do my Hudson Hawk
> impression?" asked Eggbeater.
>    "Your what?" asked Naime.

Wow, a Hudson Hawk reference. XD

>    "Well, I don't see any reason not to tell you. Actually, I see
> several good reasons not to tell you, but I'm getting tired of
> those weird looks you guys give me. It's like this...everything
> that's been happening to us is a story. You know, made-up. We're
> being written by writers. We're being read by a bunch of deranged
> fanboys who find our adventures of computers."
>    A long, long silence.
>    "This guy's wireless went on the fritz a long time ago," said
> Furry.
>    "'Fanboys?' Children with fans?"

Heeheehee.

>    Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated cameo appearance, Panta
> walked by, regarded Nick Naime, muttered "Thick brows," and walked
> away.

Well I *hope* it's not just a cameo. <.< >.>

>    Meanwhile, in Berlin, two pale-faced figures stood outside
> Gestapo Headquarters. The Time Mime focused his eyes on the window
> of Der Fuehrer.
>    The Tiara of Density was on his head. He was wearing a plush
> evening gown, blowing kisses to an imaginary audience, and singing
> along to a scratchy recording in the background.
>    "Ve're all alone, no chaperone, can't ger our num-bah... za
> vorld's in slum-bah...let's miz-behave...zere's zome-thing vild
> about you, child, zat's zo contagious...let's be outrageous...let's
> miz-behave..."

Very Golden Age, that.

>    Pausing only to drain the bath, drag the woman out of the bath,
> dress her in sexy black lingerie, tie her up, ogle her for a few
> minutes, and change into a spare Net.si uniform that just happened
> to be lying around,

Nick. NICK I WANT TO LIKE YOU.

>    "Turn it twice and stop on...on..."
>    It was then that Nick Naime's six week photographic memory chose
> to flicker out.

Hah! :D I do love a good exploitation of built-in weakness.

>    "You slack-jawed cud chewer!" Eggbeater bellowed from the
> walkie-talkie. "You thick-witted clodpole! You shnook!"

Heeheehee

>    Hidden reserves of power...Eggbeater grabbes the Tiara and felt
> the power course through him.
>    He plunged a fist into the Clown's face. The Clown tumbled to
> the ground, while Eggbeater remained suspended in mid-air, wearing
> the Tiara.
>    "NOW, SCUM, WILL YOU KNOW THE POWER OF DECIBEL DUDE!!" Eggbeater
> cried. "I WILL DESTROY YOU UTTERLY!"

INSTEAD OF A DARK LORD, YOU WILL HAVE-- well, he'll have to learn more about 
fashion (and makeup!) before he can be a queen, but the tiara is a good start.

>    "AWAY, SPECKS!" Furry and Naime found themselves hurled back out
> into the hall. "I AM NOT THE TIARA'S--THE TIARA IS MINE!!"

Amalgam: Dark Phoenix and Sailor Moon

>    "I think, Furry, we have become involved in something we have
> no hope of understanding...unless, of course, we both survive to
> 1994."
>    "Doesn't seem likely in our line of work, does it?"
>    "Not likely at all, Furry," said Naime, gazing out the window.
> "Not likely at all."

But on the upside, you might have a son played by Samuel L. Jackson.

>    "The pageant?! You there! Boy!"
>    "Me, sir?" asked Bad-Timing Boy.
>    "What day is it?"
>    "What day? Why, Wednesday, of course!"

New comics day! Of course!

> The Crapper stormed out, and a
> green cloud followed. Contraption Man muttered, "I won't have to
> take your orders much longer.  With the Ring of Retcon belonging
> to my master, wReamicus Maximus...."
>      "And close that door if you're going to be plotting!"

Heeheehee

>      Hooded Ho`'od Win hovered above the bandshell, still in her
> white hospital sheets/cloak.

I like the subversion of the "cosmic purified form" costume.

>      Which was okay in and of itself, but Paul thought he'd already
> mortgaged his soul for a bottle of Boone's Farm Cough Syrup
> flavored wine. Well if the devil didn't check his own records, who
> was Paul to complain? Maybe he'd get a Thunderbird for it tonight.

Okay, so, I know this is supposed to be funny but really it's kind of sad @-@

>     The thing about being an evil Vampiress is, it gets old fast.
> Ida mused to herself as she placed the brooch of Jayleno on the
> cloak. But now, with the power of the RACCelestial Madonna at her
> command, what couldn't she do? She felt the writer about to list
> the things, and chased him away.

Heeheehee

> When
> she found out that she wasn't eligible for RACCelesial Madonnahood,
> on account of her brother working for the RACCelestials in their
> mailroom,

*snerk*

> Facing her were a
> group of people who had a strange way about them...as if Steve
> Ditko had been their father.

*giggles*

> Next to him were a spandex clad lass
> (LEVIATHAN LASS to you, bub!)

Actually, her costume is made of scales. But maybe this is just another retcon~

>      "'Ere now, what's all this, then?" Said Mr Trenchcoat, who
> then stopped to stare at himself in shock. He realized that the
> maniac typing this has absolutely NO IDEA how a real Englishman
> speaks. He decided to try again. "This crime you've pulled a
> walkabout to just isn't fair dinkum! WHY AM I TALKING LIKE A BRUCE,
> MATE!?"

*cackles*

>      "We're the 'weaker sex', or so they say,
>       we've got few books and fewer Writers;

Sigh @-@ *creates half a dozen more and moves them further from that type of 
discourse*

>      "I believe he does Brother Napalm.  You!  Are you a
> Net.Heroine?"
>      The Time Whino replied, "Yes I am." People everywhere realized
> that this was swiped directly from a beer ad, but the Time Whino
> has such power.

There are some jokes that don't date well, and that's okay, I think.

>  When the mist cleared, Rachel Hunter
> stood on either side of the door wearing Napalm and Nomex's
> costumes.  Rachels giggled as Time Whino went through the door.

I'm getting a just a *little* concerned about the gender stuff in this story.

> Meanwhile, a thouroughly disgusted
> Withnail was trying to speak as a normal, everyday englishman. From
> the twentieth century. And he was failing.
>      "UUUrgh, Vhen I git my hunds un dis guy, vhat a beatink..."
>      "Serbo-Croatian?" Said GrimSloth/Lad. "What an odd choice..."

Heeheehee

> He dextrously
> substituted the Time Whino's next beer with Haffenreffer, the
> so-called Green Death.  The only beer known to give a hangover
> _before_ the buzz.  Time Whino picked up the bottle without looking
> and downed it.  Immediately, he grabbed his temples in agony.
>      "AAAGH!  What have you done!  I can't stand the
> .......AAARRRGHHHH!" Before Frat Boy's eyes, Time Whino swelled
> incredibly, trebling in size and quadrupling in musculature.  He
> ripped the grubby clothes from his back with a
> flourish, revealing a Bud-Man type costume with ten times the
> muscle.  "Now beware the _Chuggernaut_!"

Ahhhhh, there it is. (Man, did I not read this issue back in the day?)

> While none of the other suits were
> as daring as California Girl's, they were all revealing enough to
> boost sales tremendously, not to mention considerably cheesecake
> the following fight scene.

see, 'cause it's... ironic... x-x

>      VAMMO Woman zoomed down to Token Girl, Lurking Girl and
> Organic Lass. "I've got a plan, but it'll require a concerted
> effort...."  Like a cheesey B-film the four bikini'd women huddled
> quickly and whispered.

Mind you, this fight scene is rather cool, but. Yeah, maybe putting all of the 
female LNHers in a beauty pageant was always a bad idea???

> <(For
> resourcefulness and all-around heroism, The RACCelestial Madonna
> is.....VAMMO WOMAN! )>

There's a clear link between "being the one to come up with the plan" and 
"winning", at least.

> "I am MYK-EL, and I will have my Continuity BACK!!!"
>      Myk-El roared upward, shattering his roof and screamed through
> the sky in search of the Time Crapper.  Either one.

Getting all the pieces in place...

> As CAW and the Rodent listed all the
> things that were verboten, Swordmaster congratulated himself on
> managing to avoid appearing in LNH Comics Presents #21.
>      So let's not tell him about this, okay?

Heeheehee

>      Captain Cleanup, Domestic Lad, and the not so aptly named Kid
> Not Appearing in Any Retcon Hour Story were beginning work on the
> rubble at the Pageant bandshell.

Man, I *must* not have read this issue back in the day. I was always confused as 
to where KidNAIARHS appeared.

>   "Sensors are picking up the Ring of Retcon."
>   "Wasn't that destroyed at the end of CRY.SIG?" Continuity Champ asked.
>   The Drizzt shook his head.  "No: as Captain Continuity you sent... or
> rather you will send it back in time to yourself."

Look, I tried to keep track of the Ring's comings and goings for the wiki, and 
eventually chalked it up to "It's the Ring of *Retcon*, what do you expect?"

Drew "retcoetheric" Perron