LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #27: Retcon Hour Chi

[Drew Perron]

On 8/3/2016 10:16 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> The 19th and 20th issue are Unlikely Aliens #5 and #6 by Scott
> "Zagyg" Johnson.  Will IMPLO cancel even this title?

Some of my favorites, seriously :D Homaging that series is what lead me toward 
doing my Retcon Hour homage (Digital JUMP!*Special! #1).

>      The author acknowledges the influences of Legion of Super-Heroes
>       #300 (Levitz) and Justice League of America #89 (Friedrich) in
>           the plotting of this story.  And probably some others
>                    he can't recall off hand right now

It definitely has that '70s melodrama feeling about it.

> Kid Macro is shouting,
> "Reader -- this is a story about YOU!  It's your turn to be either
> CONSTELLATION or SQUIDMAN!"  But the "YOU" and "your" are crossed out in heavy
> red lines....]

I need to write net.hero/reader shipfic.

>      Particle Man hmmmed.  "The retcons must be somehow limited to just the
> Looniverse.  Those of us, like me and Sig.Lad, who have spent extensive time
> elsewhere have timelines harder to mangle.  And non-natives are even more
> resistant.  Squidman is pretty much normal, so his memories turn with the
> tides, so to speak.  Same with Sidewinder and most of the LNH."

I can't say most of the LNH is *normal*, but...

>      Constellation looked about uncertainly.  "Are you sure that's all of us?"
>      Sig.Lad paused for a moment and sighed.  "No, I'm not sure.  We may be
> resistant, but I doubt any of us are totally immune to the effects.  Hopefully
> we're not missing anyone important in the subgroup."

I do love how much Dave engages with the *experience* of having reality twisted 
around you.

>      Doug brooded by the light of the fridge.  The dreams were getting worse
> lately.  Anthropomorphic Raccoons.  Mongooses...Mongeese?  Tales Of The
> Middle-Aged LNH.  Superheroes based on alternative rock acts.  The world was
> already full of real superheroes and villains, why did he have to dream about
> ones that didn't exist?  Hell, he didn't even use computers that much, and he
> was dreaming about some Legion of Net.Heroes off and on.

The perception of the Internet in the early days, as this kind of specialized 
thing that wasn't a part of most people's lives, is something that 
(unsurprisingly) pops up a lot in the early LNH. It's fascinating.

>      At least they used to make some kind of sense before.  It was almost like
> going to the movies, falling asleep was.  Only the occasional 'story' fell out
> of 'continuity,' and usually those were nightmares anyway.  Drinking himself
> into passing out didn't help, either...it just made the dreams incoherent.

Yeah, I remember a few LNH stories like that.

>      The damage caused by those robots was almost totally repaired when the
> reality storm slammed into Andale Atoll.  Fortunately, Acton Lord had been
> expecting such a thing in the wake of the cursed RACelestial's decision, and
> had made sure the sensors and defenses were repaired first.
>      A sickly green dome sprang up around the small island, corruscating and
> shifting nauseatingly as the reality storm pummelled against it.  To the normal
> eye, the storm was invisible except as maybe an occasional flickering as clouds
> or rain from other realities impinged.  But the heaving barrier attested to the
> power of the storm for all to see.

That's *so cool* :D <3 <3 <3

>      Acton Lord cursed as a tendril of the retcon energy lashed through the
> underground Gradgnome Warrens and changed a section of them into Philosophy
> Majors before he could strengthen the fields.  He silently hoped that there
> would be a world he could corrupt after this was over....

I love how this plays into his later characterization and schemes - the way he 
tries to gain power over reality itself, before realizing that what he really 
wants power over is his own destiny.

>      "Thank you Mr. Exposition.  I think I'm stuck too...but who am I?  I mean,
> this isn't the body I normally use when I want to look human.  For one thing,
> skin's too pale."

More whitewashing in comics! >:/

>      Oh, the thrill in being Constellation!  The primal power of all reality
> flowing from your fingertips, from your mind!  To be as far beyond the normal
> superbeing as that superbeing is beyond mortality!

Yep, full '70s here. XD

>      Or rather, one of them moving.  Sidewinder lies on the floor, obviously
> unconscious.  Sig.Lad stoops over him while the others stand motionless as
> statues.  I hear Sig.Lad's thoughts as he voices them....
>      "He's been stuck in this thread too long!  He'll die if we don't get him
> out of here and into another topic!  Particle Man...use your They Might Be
> Power to get him past the guard!  Kid Macro...run him out at super speed!  Why
> are you all standing there?  Do something!  My powers aren't working or I'd get
> him out!  He's -- going -- to -- DIE!"

Apologies for my previous comment - *THIS* is full '70s.

>      "Yes...but we're...we're in a land of Magic and Legend, and see there!  A
> mighty Craw Giant guards the entrance to the cave Sidewinder's trapped in!

Ah, yes, Magic: the Gathering being a new thing, and every random vanilla 
creature being fascinatingly cool. <3

> I'll rescue him...but I must do it alone!  I won't let you get hurt by that
> creature!"
>      "If I could change shape, we'd see who'd be hurt," she mumbles as I set
> her down on an outcropping.

Heeheehee

>      "Yes it is too a comic book!  Well, a net.version of one anyway...."
>      "No, it's not.  This is an oddball little dimension that happens to be in
> synch with another dozen or so realities in such a way that some things that
> happen here are reflected in fiction there, and some fiction written there
> influences events here."

You're *both* right! :D Just on different levels.

>      "Feh, hold on to your precious fairy tale beliefs for now.  I shall be
> back once I have dealt with a number of other titles.  But do not think you are
> safe...from IMPLO!  I will be back...this series is now Limited..."

On the one hand, that's actually true for Constellation; on the other, Dvandom 
Force made it up to #100, no cheating, so~

>      And if he could really believe in how he saw the universe, maybe he could
> really believe in himself...and in Dot.

Ganbatte ;-;

>      Sheer power isn't everything...skill and determination, that's what I
> need!  To be the Squidman!

To live like the Squid-man! To feel like the Squid-man!

>      The Hurloon Minotaur

heeheehee

>      She tries to leap down to save him...damn!  She mustn't go down there.  I
> have to save her, not her save him!

Female characters in action movies.jpg

>      Tym smiled one of those kind of smiles that told Doug he was going to wish
> he hadn't gotten out of bed today.  And he hadn't even gotten out of bed
> yet....

Heeheehee

> [The cover is the first half of a two-part cover.  The cover as a whole is a
> a melange of different scenes, split between the two.

Ah, man, I think this also inspired a DJ! thing. @-@

>      "I know this place," Ur-Grue said.  He moved over to look closely at
> the house, running a claw along its trim.  "It belongs in my universe.  And
> if it is here, then something is severely wrong with both universes.

Ironically, this will turn out to be true, but it'll be unrelated problems in 
each universe.

>      "No," Ur-Grue responded.  "I have never encountered these beings in my
> life."
>
>      "What, you've forgotten us already?" the robed woman asked with a
> mocking smile.  "Tch.  And after all the effort we've taken to frustrate the
> five of you all this time.  You'd think we'd mean something to you."

I really love "encountering enemies you haven't fought yet".

>      "Enough bantering, Straight Lines," the armored man said.  "He's just
> trying to provoke you.  Surely none could forget the power and fury of...
> the Chessset!"  He pulled a large, ivory mace from his belt and glanced over
> at the girl in black.  "Shall we strike now, 'my Queen?'" he asked with a
> peculiar edge to his voice.
>
>      The girl in black said nothing, but only closed her eyes sadly and
> nodded.

I was really fascinated by these guys, back in the day, and really wanted them 
to come back so I could find out more about their Deal. Nowadays, I recognize 
that said Deal probably wasn't planned out in any depth.

>      "You know that.  I am Friend to the Undertow.  I take you in; I don't
> let go.

So these are apparently lyrics from a Suzanne Vega song; which is cool, but I'm 
not sure what it has to do with chess?

>      The man looked stunned.  In an amazed voice, he said, "Pawn, I don't
> believe it.  I just disarmed Pack Rat without getting fried in the process."
>
>      "Either he and Wyrd are getting way too slow, or we're actually
> managing to become useful in a fight," the woman he had called Pawn said,
> seemingly equally amazed as she deflected a fireball with her sword.

Aw, poor mooks. ^^;

>      Pawn was interrupted by Wyrd landing a kinetic punch to her gut,
> knocking her back and into the side of the house.

I had a character with that power in City of Heroes.

>      Rabid Child straightened up and glared at her.  "Lucky shot, girlie,"
> he said.  "But it's not over yet."
>
>      Wyrd blinked.  "Huh?" she replied eloquently.
>
>      Flame Writer launched another bolt of flame at Hybrid, which he dodged,
> confused.  "What's the matter, fuzzbag?  Can't do your fighting without
> calling in your girl to save you?"

I also love both a.) reality warps changing you to a situation that's similar 
yet different, and b.) alternate timelines having interesting team-ups you'd 
never see in the main continuity.

>      "Yes.  We're beating you, for the first time in a while," Flood replied
> as he aimed a gout of water at Ur-Grue.

Also, man. This makes me wonder about Constellation, and if there are retcons 
that *are* affecting him without us seeing. Is this Flood Constellation 
temporarily retconned to his past self, or is it some phantom summoned by 
retroactive storytelling?

>      "That?  That was just my gravity orbs.  You've seen me use them a
> hundred..."  She trailed off.  "No, wait a second.  I've never used them
> before in my life.  Weird.  For some reason, I was just thinking that I had
> used them a lot before.

Also, abilities used and remembered from alternate timelines that become part of 
the main-timeline version's abilities. :D

>      Pack Rat tilted his head.  "Listen.  Do you hear something?"
>
>      They all strained to hear.  A faint screaming did seem to be emanating
> from the doorway.  It grew louder and louder, until the source of it came
> into view.  A woman in bandages, casts, and spandex fell _upwards_ past the
> doorway, screaming.  She was followed by a few other people, including a boy
> who, apparently panicking, transformed into a shrimp cocktail.  There was a
> moment's pause, then another man fell upwards, calling out, "Wait for me!"

Heeheehee

>      He was interrupted by another screaming group falling past the portal.
> This one was falling downwards, but it was no less strange than the other
> group.  At least the other group lacked a large yellow robot who called out
> "MITCHELL!!!" for no apparent reason as he fell past the door.

*cackles*

>      There was another moment of silence.  Then the door closed, fading from
> existence.  Hybrid cleared his throat.  "I was going to say, 'That was
> strange,' but somehow, that just doesn't quite seem adequate any more."

:D I really enjoy the humor in this series.

>      "A temporal disturbance, eh?" Zagyg mused.  "Yeah, that would fit, but
> in my experience, there's a cliched scene that has to be used at this
> point..."
>
>      A scream cut through the conversation from the park nearby.  "Help!
> Dinosaurs on the loose!"
>
>      "Yep, that's the one."

:D :D :D

>      "It's an anklyosaurus.  A type of dinosaur dating back to the
> Cretaceous period.  Their significant features were bony armor covering
> their bodies and a bony knob at the end of their tails serving as a club.
> Fortunately, they were herbivores, and harmless unless threatened or
> panicked."
>
>      The fifteen-foot long dinosaur roared and knocked another park bench
> over with its thrashing tail as the portal shimmered behind it.
>
>      "Unfortunately, I'd say that this one's panicked.

Heeheehee. <3 I love ankylosauruses. They're basically walking tanks?

>      "Alas, no," Ur-Grue said.  "While rezrov is unparalleled at opening
> anything non-organic that can be opened, I never felt it necessary to learn
> the reverse.  All my other spells that might apply are currently of too
> great a power to be accessible to me now."
>
>      "Reversed?  That gives me an idea."  Pack Rat rummaged through his
> items and snapped a few together into an odd-looking device.

I *also* also love combining things from different paradigms. :D

> The real question is, what
> happened to your clothes?"
>
>      Zagyg glanced down at himself.  His red pants and jacket had turned a
> light violet, and his yellow shirt was now blue.  He wore a pair of plaid
> sandals, and a teal baseball cap with a logo in Elvish completed the outfit..
> Skyrunner had turned white.

Oh, that's just a new skin you got for the "Close the Portal" achievement during 
the Retcon Hour event. It's super rare nowadays - good job!

>      Of more interest were the various retcons that overtook the group,
> changing various aspects of the heroes, or even their base natures.  One of
> the most drastic in fact changed the genre from comic books to anime.

TBH, you guys are already pretty anime.

>      The Unlikely Aliens looked at LNH HQ speculatively.  It wasn't the most
> inviting of places, but then again, it wasn't exactly threatening either.
> Perhaps the best description would be "inconsistent," as at this point,
> retcons were washing over it almost constantly.   Whole wings were being
> edited into and out of existence within seconds, and the basic structure was
> constantly rippling like- well, there is absolutely nothing like the way a
> building ripples when it is changing styles and building materials several
> times a second except for itself.  Thus, it was rippling exactly like the
> LNH HQ under concerted reality assault.

I love this joke and this visual so much. :D

> So, do we want to go inside, or just retire back to the white house and get
> a good night's sleep?"
>
>      "Fairly obvious answer," Zagyg said as he approached the door, which
> was being retconned between open and closed states.
>
>      "You got that right," Wyrd agreed.  "See you all back there."  She
> began to head off towards RAC.Arthur Park before being restrained by
> Hybrid's gentle paw on her shoulder.  She sighed and turned towards the HQ.

I LOVE THIS JOKE TOO. :D

> It
> was times like this when he wondered why he had ever agreed to become leader
> of the LNH.

I *also* also love situations like this :D :D :D :D :D Augh I love Unlikely 
Aliens so much.

>      Zagyg shook his head.  "I've never heard of him."  He gestured out the
> doorway to the black-clad figure mopping the halls.  "The only 'Ultimate'
> who's a member of the LNH is Ultimate Janitor out there."
>
>      Pizza Girl looked incredulous at this, then stared at the black-garbed
> janitor, who gave her a grim nod, then proceeded to mop the corridor in a
> flurry of action.  Pizza Girl rushed out after him, but he was already out
> of sight down the sparkling clean corridor.

Heeheehee

>      Skyrunner nodded.  "Typical."  He turned back to Zagyg.  "Zag, listen
> to me.  You're not leader of anything - heck, I'd pity any group that would
> actually take you as leader.

*giggles*

>      Zagyg's brow was furrowed as he concentrated hard.  "That happened -
> but wasn't that back at the beginning?  We came here, and met the rest of
> the proto-LNH, and then the Artificer joined up with Dr. Killfile and- and-
> no, that doesn't work..."

I love the idea that retcons can be defeated by pointing out their inconsistencies.

>      "CANNON FODDER?"
>
>      Cannon Fodder turned towards them and nodded.  "Yes, Aili?  How can I
> help you?"

:D

>      "I have decreed that there are too many Legion of Net.Heroes titles,
> overwhelming the bandwidth and cluttering the Net.  Therefore, I have taken
> it upon myself to cancel all of the comics of this universe.  Yours is
> next."

Which, man, really reminds me of every asshole fan who whines about something 
that isn't targeted to them personally being put on the market.

>      "Prepare to be retconned."
>
>      The Unlikely Aliens still looked blank at this.  IMPLO almost allowed
> himself to feel frustrated.  "In this case that means retroactively killed."
> The Aliens thought on this for a moment, then, just as they were about to do
> something,

Guys *you should probably move faster when someone's about to kill you*

>      Treacherous Cockroach nodded, and pulled a master switch.  Electrodes
> started arcing, flywheels began to crackle, and mysterious devices that go
> "Bzzt" began to go "Bzzt."  Then, something went wrong.

These death scenes are also pretty great. They're kind of "easy" deaths, sudden 
anti-plot-armor ones, but then, that's the kind of thing that *happens* in What 
If?-type stories.

> A multitude of thoughts about
> the charcoal that had once been his son raced through his mind, but the one
> that stood out most was, "Oh, no.  How am I going to explain this in the
> budget?"

D'oh!

>      Wyrd's thoughts were interrupted by a voice echoing in her head,
> channeled far from its natural time and place by retcons, temporal
> distortions, and a powerful will.
>
>         <(SHE WHO MUST KNOW....WHO`'OD WIN DEMANDS TO SEE WHO SHALL BECOME THE
>
> SAVIOR OF NET.EARTH.  WHO SHALL BECOME....
>
>                         THE RACCELESTIAL MADONNA!)>

I especially like this one.

Drew "I love tie-ins and crossovers" Perron