LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #26: Retcon Hour Phi

[Drew Perron]

On 7/26/2016 8:50 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> {with Nicks' special guests:
> 		The Spooky Tank, the Unknowing Soldier and Enemy Acne}

Back in the day, I wasn't sure if these were characters that had ever shown up 
before. I'm now pretty sure they're not? XD But I do, at least, recognize the DC 
war comic characters they're parodies of.

> 	"I saw Oberundunderfuhrer Eidescop stealing it from you and using it
> to usurp Hitler himself.  Normally I wouldn't spill this, but Eidescop has been
> PULP's enemy for years.  I'd rather see that Fez on a distinctive head.
> Perhaps one with a _point_?"
> 	Blitzkreigkopf stroked the sharp peak of his bald crown pensively.
> Eventually an evil smile broke across it.

Gasp! Has the Master of Miniutae dropped so far as to use the forbidden 
techniques of *subtlety*!?

> Tonight we fly out ta rescue the group a' folks that bashed more
> Net.sis homefront dan we have in alla our missions."
> 	"Maybe that's 'cause we never actually kill anyone, Sarge."

Heeheehee.

> 	"Good man French Fryar.  Whadda 'bout you Mamushka?"
> 	The next 'man' was extremely overweight, but never appeared even
> slightly hindered by it.  Sasha Lowenstein was actually a Jewish mother from
> the Bronx, but so she could serve her country she hid that fact even from her
> stalwart fellow commandos.

Heeheehee <3 <3 <3 Yes good.

> The conversation had gone something like this:
> 	Nick Naime:  "Scrich-scrich-scraaach-scrich-scrachh-scrich-scrach."
> 	Nick Eggbeater:  "Aaaah!  Geez not rats!  Anything but rats!"
> 	Nick Naime:  (cough NO cough) "Tik-tik-taktik-tak-tictictic-tak."
> 	Nick Eggbeater:  "Oh man, they're goosesteppin' Net.si rats!"
> 	Nick Naime:  (cough ARE YOU LISTENING cough) "Bum-bum-bumbum-buuum-
> bimbum."
> 	Nick Eggbeater:  "Gemme outta here!  They're headhunter goosesteppin'
> Net.si rats!"
> 			(some time later)
> 	Nick Naime:  (cough NO!  THEY ARE NOT cough DEMON POSSESSED, HOCKEY
> COACH, JAZZ-AFFICIONADO, cough AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL UNION, DOLPHIN-SAFE,
> HEADHUNTER cough GOOSESTEPPING NET.SI RATS FROM THE NTH DIMENSION! cough)
> 	Nick Eggbeater:  "Thank heaven.  Make one helluva toy though."

*hilarous cackling*

> 	Nick Naime:  "H-ub-ow ab-ub-out n-ub-ow?"
> 	Nick Eggbeater:  "Ub-ub-ubbie Dub-ub-ubbie l-ub-angu-ub-age!  G-ub-eni-
> ub-ous!"
> 	The Master of Minutiae, despite never having watched Zoom!, managed to
> convey the plan to Decibel Dude.

I had never watched it either and was very intrigued! ...it turned out to be 
slightly disappointing. XD

> 	[Editors note:  Unknown to the top brass, Sargeant T.C. and his crew
> 'Gunner' Gunnison, 'Driver' Drivison and 'Loader' Loadison manned a special
> tank.  To all outward appearances it was a battle hardened Sherman, but in
> reality it was possessed by Spooky the Tuff L'il Ghost.  This supernatural
> edge made the crew one of the Army's top guns, but also had the unfortunate
> side effect of rendering other tanks in the unit especially vulnerable to scary
> practical jokes.  This left the Spooky Tank alone and available for 'special'
> missions.]

See? A nice little summary that makes it so it doesn't really matter if it's 
been seen before.

> 	<Missah Naime,> began Six-Yen.  <Confooshus say,  'men tlapped in fou'
> walls often go alound the bend.'

siiiiiiigh

> 	<Ovaltine is good food?  Tastes good and it's good for you?> asked
> Nick Eggbeater.
> 	The Agents of PULP looked at him blankly.
> 	<Hey Mom, I want Ovaltine?  Can't beat that chocolatey taste?> he asked
> more urgently.
> 	<I don't believe you've quite got the hang of this code yet Mr.
> Eggbeater,> said Sinful.

Heeheehee

> 	"Nevertheless.  You seem to have some sort of futuristic ultra-sound
> weapon concealed beneath your clothing."
> 	"Flatterer."

*snerk*

> 	The three shimmied up the good lines, fastening replacements where the
> ones had been shot out.  Amidst the flak, screaming Net.si planes and whizzing
> bullets it was quite a feat.

This is definitely something I'd love to see visually.

> A man tapped TC on the shoulder, which was a bit unnerving since
> they were plummetting through thin air.

Heeheehee

> 	"Open the breach and, wait don't set the round down, no that handle,
> okay now pull, no all the way down...."  After several moments it was clear
> the mysterious Unknowing Soldier didn't really know anything about tanking.

*snerk* <3

> 	TC made a mental link with the tanks' own supernatural patron.
> <<Spooky!  Things look tough!>>
> 	<<Golly, TC I can see that.  Sounds kinda dumb dropping a tank outta
> a plane.>>
> 	<<Can you help?>>
> 	<<Geez I don't know.  Casper's gone and done some do-goody thing again.
> Maybe I can get someone to help you though....>>

I used to read some of those Harvey comics back in the day, too.

> 	Meanwhile, Corporal Kubert glided in to the tank.  "Sargeant Furry!
> This is silly!  We'll all die when this thing hits the ground!  I mean the
> engine alone must be shaking apart from the strain."  As if in answer to
> Kubert's words, a loud clunk sounded from the engine compartment.
> 	"Kubert!  Dad-blame it, I told ya, keep dat realism ta yerself!

*cacklesnerk*

> 	"So, uh, tell me again how this rampant chaos is part of your plan?"

Part of any good plan, I find!

> 	"Nick!" called Sinful.
> 	"Yeah?" said Naime, Eggbeater and Furry in unison.
> 	"Here's the start of an ugly running gag," muttered D-Dude.

*giggles, to break things up a bit*

> 	"It'll be confusing enough without the high character count," explained
> D-Dude helpfully."Besides between a Jewish woman, a Frenchman, two New Yorkers,
> a Chinaman and all these Germans, I could get Transliteration poisoning."

Seriously, we're approaching Claremont levels of phonetic accents.

> 		AND THE SHOCKING CONCLUSION WHERE:
>
> NICK FURRY, NICK EGGBEATER AND NICK NAIME MEET NICK HITLER!

wat

> 		     #310: Retcon Hour and what it means to Panta

A nicely straightforward title.

> "Come with me," the Dvandom Stranger said, flinging his trenchcoat over the
> little leopard girl. "For in the great troubles to come, you must play no part.
> In the shifting and melding of history to come there is a danger that you may
> be removed from the tapestry that makes up the Legion of Net.Heroes."
>
> "Uff!" Panta said from underneath the Stranger's coat.

That's remarkably adorable. I could write a graduate thesis on the difference 
between honestly-cute Panta and forced-moe Panta, and how the series shifts back 
and forth between the two in different issues and within the same issue.

> Panta blinked. She was sitting in a compartment across from the Dvandom Stranger
> on a train - probably somewhere in Europe. The two were the only ones in the
> compartment. At her side, the compartment's table had been pulled up; on the
> table was a vase with a flower, a plate with croissants, a teapot, and two
> saucers. The Stranger was sipping from one teacup, the other gently steamed
> into the cool air.

Lovely!

> "Patience, Panta. I've brought you over in the NTB world. It's really the
> safest place for you until the RACCelestial Madonna is chosen."

Interesting. I always saw the NTB as a different perspective on the same world; 
but then, in fiction, that line can be remarkably thin.

> "As a STRANGER," the Dvandom Stranger started grandly, "much that is hidden
> to others is revealed to me. I know that you are neither a WC nor a NWC at
> the Legion of Net.Heroes."

Hmmmmmm. Interesting - I wonder where this was further elaborated on. The LNH 
was really starting to move beyond the whole WC/NWC thing at the time, and 
towards the idea that a character who reflected you didn't need to be a literal 
author avatar.

> Panta realized at that moment that she didn't speak German, that her one-piece
> had no pockets for papers, and even if she had pockets, she had neither
> identification papers nor tickets to put in them.
>
> "Damn you, Stranger," she thought to herself as she looked up at the offical.
> Then she suddenly saw the logo on the offical's buttons. The Nazi swastika.

SO much safer. (Something something, Nazis as exciting adventure villain.)

> S ***  ** ** "Force over Time": RETCON HOUR 18 written by:

That's pretty good.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
> U-Force is: Argonaut, Astral, Atlas, Backlash, Bristle, Compass, Hardcore,
> Knockdown, Mongoose, Nightbeast, Optik, Pointblank, Red Raptor, Reflex,
> Seismic, Telekinetech, Topspeed, Tourniquet, Transmit, Total, Vector,
> Windchill.

Heeheehee the '90s

>   "Vector! Teleport up to that platform and stop her!"

Retcon Hour crossed over with a lot of things, including retroactively; here, we 
see the Birth of a Villain tie-in.

>   "Enough wisecracks, Seismic. She can only control one of us at a time..
> so let's get her ALL AT ONCE!"

I'm reminded of the end of the "Boot to the Head" sketch.

>   "Watch out, everybody! Some of these guys have syringes, and are trying
> to take blood samples."
>   "*#&!", says Backlash in reply. "if she gets our DNA, she could clone
> any of us.. including our powers! Watch out, team!"

That's great. XD

>   The room is now completely bare, except for the Controller, wReamicus
> Maximus, and U-Force... and all of U-Force are chained to a wall, with
> those nifty power damper gloves on their hands. [Where do bad guys *get*
> those, anyway? -TMM] "Good retconning. How'd you manage that?"
>   "In this reality, Coma Kid accompanied them.. and you took him over,
> sending them all into slumber. They lost the fight. Not a hard change, but
> a tricky one.

Nice! I love when narrative thought is put into the whole "retcon superpower" thing.

>   "Where are we, Tourniquet?"
>   "Let me see... this appears to be LNH Headquarters... But it is
> completely empty. White Fire, Blare- check the rooms."
>   "Nothing. Completely empty, no furniture, nothing."
>   "What could have happened?  Where is everybody?"

Is this The Langoliers?

>   "Elijah's Log. Day 5 on this island. I have found fresh water and
> several edible plants. I'm trying to catch fish, but having minimal
> success. The tiny lizards are still plentiful, but they're growing wary.
> I will have to be careful to leave enough for a breeding population."

Very thoughtful.

>   "Guess what, Playwright... we're not on earth anymore. My geomantic
> abilities aren't much help at all... but I think we're somewhere on the
> moon. Maybe Mars or Venus."
<snip>
>   A loudspeaker crackles to life as the U-Forcers run down a series of
> tunnels. "Attention all units. Three prisoners, at least one meta-human,
> have escaped. They are armed and dangerous, and have been convicted of
> treason against the Empire. Kill them."

Oooooh. Dark future?

>   "Alhija. My writ... wthi... writings. Day II III II. The all-same-time
> has gotten to me. Words... fading. Still much water, but less food. Fish
> not here much anymore. Cannot keep mind ist.. ith... intact much longer.
> Hardly have memories of friends, if humans or my people. Funny how... last
> of Rathani will die before any born. Cannot make-final the Kil'oktha. Fyr..
> fur... forgive me, Salete. My last clear thought is of you."
>   He closes the book, and puts it inside a crude wood box. He picks up his
> sword and raises it in front of him. He pauses... then lowers the point
> until if faces his chest. He takes a deep breath...
>   ...then collapses, the sword barely nicking his chest. Seconds later, a
> portal opens across the beach... moves close to him... hesitates, and then
> swallows him up.

awwwwww. Jeez. ^^; That's rather good stuff.

Drew "so many hugs" Perron