LNH/SW10: WikiLull #14: The Disposition of Powers

Scott Eiler seiler at eilertech.com
Sat Aug 6 01:19:00 PDT 2016

On 2016-08-05 20:57, Drew Perron wrote:
> WikiCide held the Last Trenchcoat high in the air. From within its
> rumples and well-worn creases, darkness swelled, and the eerie high
> screech of ripping reality shivered through the air... and then, with
> the "pyewww" of a monitor shutting off, faded.
> "What the..." WikiCide shook the coat. "C'mon, c'mon! Dark Usenet, take
> me to the forbidden FAQs! C'mon!"
> Kristen Stewart shook her head. "It’s always sad when someone breaks
> into the biz but just can’t take the pressure."
> "...so, I'm taking this back," said Amnesiac Brad Pitt, grabbing for the
> trenchcoat.
> WikiCide meeped and bounced out of the way, tucking the trenchcoat under
> one arm. "Um… Deathspork, good job with the assassining. Keep it up!" He
> gave Deathspork a big double-thumbs-up and vamoosed.
> "Hey!" said Deathspork. "You still haven’t paid--"
> But WikiCide was already out of there, running towards the flickering
> fireball of the LNHQ. He could feel the susurration as different
> versions of reality broke upon each other, like his own edits but on a
> massive and continual scale. But there was a calm point, where he could
> stop, regroup and contact his allies…
> WikiCide slipped through the half-exploded doorway and into the
> quantum-stabilized lobby. Then his eyes went wide and he ducked and
> rolled, as a projectile shot past him and fully exploded the doorway in
> a burst of shredding guitars.
> He rolled and rolled until he rolled behind a table. He collapsed
> against it, breathing heavily, as some kind of pitched battle between
> technology, sorcery, and coolness raged in the background. It was then
> that the bowl of apples on the table started talking to him. "Ally
> WikiCide, there is a problem."
> WikiCide fought down the urge to return to fleeing. "Yes, Quadcore, I
> had noticed that." A wave of disorientation rolled over him, and he
> rubbed his temples. "The plan didn’t work - not very well, anyway; I see
> *you* got through."
> "The portal only opened for brief moments," said the
> four-fruits-in-a-bowl-shaped MicroMAC. "The vanguard of the Pocket
> Empire came through, but our larger army is trapped on the other side."
> WikiCide snorted in disdain. "Well, I suppose that’s *something*. But
> what went wrong? Whilst I was edited into being a master of the mystic
> arts, my researches showed clearly that the iconic power of the
> Net.Trenchcoat Brigade - power enough to accomplish my most ambitious
> schemes - had all collected in the Last Trenchcoat!"
> Quadcore’s apple sensor array whirred, processing exotic data streams.
> "The mythopoeic fabric of The Last Trenchcoat has undergone quantum
> decoherence. The wearer, Brad Pitt, was split into millions of quantum
> duplicates, and the power of the trenchcoat spread among them."
> "Curses!" muttered WikiCide, rubbing his temples again. How was he
> supposed to live up to his potential as an evil duplicate if he couldn’t
> duplicate the successes of the great Acton Lord? He was supposed to
> summon an army of robots from another world, who would betray him, but
> go on to be defeated by the heroes in a way that advanced his long-term
> plans. Admittedly, he hadn’t figured out that last part yet, but one
> thing at a time.
> And the worst part was this strange disorientation that had started
> affecting him as soon as he entered the lobby - like crackling feedback
> through his wikipowers…
> WikiBoy the Tachikoma buzzed, dancing on his adorable little legs to
> avoid the whizzing bursts of magic and scuttling behind the
> receptionist’s desk, where Token Girl was already hiding.
> "Beep boop! Error detected!"
> She sighed and rubbed his dome. "Don’t worry. I figure this is the kind
> of thing she has to get out of her system on her own."
> WikiBoy wanted to say that wasn’t what he meant - that he had detected a
> strange interference effect in his wikipowers - but the writer had never
> seen Stand Alone Complex and couldn’t duplicate the tachikomas’ speaking
> patterns, so all he said was "Boop!" in an adorable way.
> Merissa wiped the sweat from her brow. She had upgraded from
> gun-keyblades to gunbass-keybladetars, but even the Power of Rock was
> being cancelled out by Kid Occultism Kid’s magical might. She grinned.
> Wow, if this was how hard the first boss was, she couldn’t wait for the
> EX-boss!
> "And another thing!" shouted the sorcerex, rune circles forming around
> their upraised hands. "The whole ‘ten percent of your brain’ thing?
> Totally fake! I--"
> Suddenly, the circles turned an eye-searing blue. Kid Occultism Kid
> shouted and ducked, and Merissa had only a moment to fire a
> bass-guitar-rock-defense-shield at herself before they exploded with an
> earth-shaking kaboom.
> There was a moment of utter silence, before the subtle popcorn-kettle
> noises of the LNHQ exploding and unexploding returned. Token Girl peeked
> over the receptionist’s desk, and the WikiKoma peered around the side.
> Merissa blinked, her face covered in ash, her hair sticking out every
> which way. "Hah," she said woozily. "W’zat your final attack, my health
> bar inn’t even half gone…" She coughed out a little puff of smoke, and
> reached up to pat out a small flame that was smoldering atop her head.
> "Indeed, our battle is over," said Kid Occultism Kid, dusting ash off
> their robes. "A problem has arisen that dwarfs even the threat of
> Hollywood whitewashing."
> Token Girl somersaulted out from behind the desk. "What's that?"
> "Hilary Clinton has officially become the Democratic nominee for
> President of the United States."
> TG put a reassuring hand on KOK - wow, okay, I can see why Adrian didn't
> use that acronym. Anyway, she put a hand on Kid Occultism Kid AKA the
> Not-Yet-Ancient One’s shoulder. "Look, I understand if you were a Bernie
> supporter, but--"
> "Not that!" The NYAOne flailed out from under the hand and straightened
> up. "Although, yes. But I am speaking of something deeper, something
> intrinsic to the fabric of the Looniverse itself!" They started pacing
> and gesticulating as they spoke. "The Legion of Net.Heroes was created
> in 1992, during the campaign that lead to the initial Clinton
> presidency. The social satire of the time, then as now, demanded
> engagement with politics, and as that administration went on, no figure
> in politics was more divisive, nor more evocative of strong feelings,
> than Hillary Clinton." They thrust out a hand dramatically, Ditko-pinup
> style. "Such a perspective is part of the bedrock on which our castles
> rest!"
> "Oh, yeah," said Token Girl. "Wasn’t there that evil alternate universe
> thing or whichever?"
> "Boop! Uncertainty as to whether that’s even in continuity anymore!"
> said the WikiKoma.
> "Whatever," said Merissa, brushing her hair back into place until the
> hairbrush exploded. "Politics is boring if there’s no giant robots or
> dubstep cannons involved. Anyway, I’d vote for a lady president."
> "The problem is - which one!?" The NYAOne threw out both hands grandly.
> "For you see, there are so many different interpretations of the woman,
> so many opinions and feelings bubbling up out of the past and into the
> story, that in the Usenetted States of Ame.rec.a, the 2016 presidential
> race shall be between four different Hillary Clintons - and one of them
> is pure evil!"
> Token Girl gasped. "I see… But what about Donald Trump?"
> "Who?"
> "Boop?"
> "Never heard of the guy."
> "…huh. For a second there I thought there was another major candidate
> for President, but I must have been thinking of someone else."
> "Yeah, probably just someone who’s so deeply unworthy of attention that
> even making fun of him would be giving him way too much credit so we
> should all just ignore him and move on with our lives!!"
> Everyone stopped and stared. Kid Review was standing there. For a
> moment, they stared off into the distance, fists clenched, trembling
> with rage. Then they snapped out of it, shaking their head and looking
> over at the main characters in embarrassment.
> "Um… anyway, that’s my theory. Bye!" With a crackle of blue-white
> energy, they flew away.
> "Hmmmmm," hmmm’d WikiCide, peering out from beneath the table. Very
> interesting - but what did it have to do with this storyline?
> ----
> In a converted industrial space on the outskirts of Net.ropolis, there
> was a shadowy office. And in this shadowy office were two shadowy
> figures. And these shadowy figures were plotting shadowy manipulation!
> One shadowy figure held up a glowing tablet in the darkness. "Just as we
> thought, an interference pattern has been detected."
> The other steepled his fingers. "And just as we thought, our wayward
> clone is behind the latest attack on the LNHQ." He adjusted his glasses
> as they glimmered in the dark. "But that is not the most important thing
> at this juncture."
> "Indeed!" The first figure tapped a button, and a 3D model of WikiBoy
> sprung into the air, with various readouts hovering around him and CGI
> DNA strands scrolling along nearby. "WikiBoy is potentially the most
> powerful member of the Legion. But his edits are limited by the power of
> Comedy." He tapped another button, and the DNA strand zoomed in. A
> second one started scrolling alongside it, similar but with slight
> differences. "So far, our clonemongers have not been able to change
> that. But we have engineered a comedically appropriate situation to
> insert our prototype."
> "Yes," said the second figure. "And in mere moments, the plan will
> begin, and the momentum will build for us to seize power!"
> The first figure flicked on a light and stepped into it. He was ruggedly
> handsome and very familiar, with a perpetual five-o-clock shadow, and
> wore a trenchcoat with a lab coat over it. The second stood and stepped
> into the light as well. He was identical, but his trenchcoat was worn
> over a sharp three-piece suit.
> "I--  Evil Scientific Mastermind Brad Pitt!" said the first.
> "And I-- Shadowy Political Manipulator Brad Pitt!" said the second.
> "And I--  Bad Judgment Boy!"
> "Will gain power over… the…"
> Both of them blinked at the new person standing in the light.
> "…what are you doing here?" said Evil Scientific Mastermind Brad Pitt.
> "…I just wanted to be a part of things…"
> Shadowy Political Manipulator Brad Pitt sighed and crossed over to the
> door. "Guards!" ESMBPitt pushed Bad Judgment Boy over, and SPMBPitt
> grabbed him and pushed him out the door. "Find out how he got in here,
> then take him to the cloning pits and see if we can extract something
> useful."
> "Okay, sir. Can I have your autograph?"
> "Yes, yes…" SPMBPitt took the notebook and wrote, 'To Netwater Security
> Contractors Guard #17745, Thanks For Being a Loyal Fan - Shadowy
> Political Manipulator Brad Pitt'. "Now go!"
> "Okay, sir. By the way, someone to see you, said he was 'the key to your
> master plan'...?"
> "Ah! Yes, send him in, please…"
> Yet another figure walked in. He looked like an affable middle-aged
> white man with chubby cheeks and a receding hairline, but this face was
> naught but a mask - an edit, holding back the clone degeneration of the
> *other* clone of WikiBoy - WiKaine!
> "Excellent!" said ESMBPitt. "He is all prepared for the mission!"
> "Then let it commence!" SPMBPitt reached out toward WiKaine and intoned,
> "You are-- Hillary Clinton’s running mate!"
> WiKaine felt the edit take hold. "But-- which one?"
> ----
> Author’s Notes: "EX-boss" is a Touhou reference, although the idea of
> secret super-tough bosses that you have to jump through hoops to even
> get to is pretty common in video games nowadays. Political giant robots
> = Metal Wolf Chaos. Political dubstep cannons = Saints Row IV.
> The idea that the power of Brad Pitt's trenchcoat would be spread among
> all the Brad Pitts comes from Scott Eiler, who, I hope, does not mind me
> ripping it off.

heh, I'm pretty sure the powers of Brad Pitt's Trenchcoat were someone 
else's idea.  In my story, Brad Pitt was just annoyed he couldn't get to 
the Wiki.  But along those lines...


At the Council of Ordered Realities, the Chancellor Wyatt Ferguson 
intervened in an alternate-universe probe for once.

A technician was surprised.  "Chancellor?"

"Carry on.  I think this one might mention me."

"Right...  SW-Unregistered, Commence..."

The technician turned back in alarm.  "Chancellor!  That universe just 
blinked out of existence!"

Chancellor Wyatt contemplated.  "Oh, please, Looniverse.  Stay in the void."

The technician said, "It's back!"

"Crap...  That'll just feed the factions who want to *mine* this universe."

"But wouldn't that be dangerous, if it fades out all the time?"

The Chancellor nodded.  "Yes, it would.  But people in the Council's 
political process aren't always noted for *smart* decisions."

(signed) Scott Eiler  8{D> -------- http://www.eilertech.com/ ---------

When you *are* the leader... whatever goes wrong... whether you did it
or not... *you* are held responsible. - Barack Obama

I know. - Archie Andrews

- from Archie #617, March 2011, scripted by Alex Simmons.

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