LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #27: Retcon Hour Chi
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Wed Aug 3 19:16:52 PDT 2016
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/
we have the eighth chunk of Retcon Hour.
The 18th issue of Retcon Hour is Constellation #31 by Dave Van
Domelen with more Kid Macro action.
The 19th and 20th issue are Unlikely Aliens #5 and #6 by Scott
"Zagyg" Johnson. Will IMPLO cancel even this title?
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #27
=====================
Retcon Hour Chi
=====================
From: Jeff J McCoskey <jjmcc at ix.netcom.com>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: LNH/REPOST: RETCON HOUR TEB #7
Date: 26 Feb 1997 20:07:11 -0800
Author Credits: RH19 -- Dave Van Domelen, RH20,RH23 -- Scott Johnson
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
_ _
(>) RETCON HOUR PART 19 (<)
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(>) Constellation #31 (<)
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(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
Constellation #31 - copyright 1994 by Dave Van Domelen, Coherent Comics UnInc
"Let This Be Your Last Battlescene?"
RETCON HOUR TIE-IN!
=============================================================================
The author acknowledges the influences of Legion of Super-Heroes
#300 (Levitz) and Justice League of America #89 (Friedrich) in
the plotting of this story. And probably some others
he can't recall off hand right now
=============================================================================
[cover is an homage to JLoA #89 (May, 1971). Kid Macro stands in the
foreground pointing back at two blank-faced heroes: Constellation and Squidman.
Other Dvanders line the background, and their faces and names are in "roll
call" format down the left border of the cover. Kid Macro is shouting,
"Reader -- this is a story about YOU! It's your turn to be either
CONSTELLATION or SQUIDMAN!" But the "YOU" and "your" are crossed out in heavy
red lines....]
[The splash page is a montage of scenes from U-Force #7 and #7.1, plus various
other storylines. Some of them are recognizable, others aren't. In the middle
is a floating, astral-looking face, its expression twisted by fear. Splash
page pseudo-title is "The Most Continuity-Mangling Dreams Of All!" in phantom
letters rambling across the bottom.]
[Second page is also a splash page, with the same face as the first page, but
now it's attached to a body sitting bolt upright in bed, sweat drenching the
covers. All is dark. The real title, "Let This Be Your Last Battlescene?" is
in smaller letters at the bottom, along with the credits and so forth.]
* * * *
Only seconds ago, Kid Macro disappeared from Sig.Lad's room, to the shock
of the assembled Secret Dvanders. There was no rush of air that would have
accompanied superspeed running or a teleportation device...he'd simply
vanished. As if he'd never been there. And in a sense, that's exactly what
happened.
"Where'd he go?" asked Constellation.
"Where'd *who* go?" replied Squidman.
"Kid Macro. Wait, how come I remember him and you don't?" Constellation
looked a tad confused.
Sig.Lad furrowed his brow for a moment. "I can remember him with slight
effort. I'm no Doctor Stomper, but I think it might be that some of us are
resistant to the retcon energy of this latest crisis. Kat?"
Kopikat nodded. "Yeah, I remember him too."
Particle Man hmmmed. "The retcons must be somehow limited to just the
Looniverse. Those of us, like me and Sig.Lad, who have spent extensive time
elsewhere have timelines harder to mangle. And non-natives are even more
resistant. Squidman is pretty much normal, so his memories turn with the
tides, so to speak. Same with Sidewinder and most of the LNH."
"Well, we can't look for Kid Macro until he shows up again...he won't be
there to find. Best we can do is just keep occupied and keep an eye out for
him. Let's *try* to stay in pairs where one of the pair is resistant. Consty,
you and Squidman. Sidewinder, I know it's almost pointless to try and get you
to stay with someone, but try and keep near enough Particle Man that he can
remind you about Kid Macro. Kat, you're with me...I wanna check out some of
the areas Kid Macro was, and I'll need your sensors to help with that."
Constellation looked about uncertainly. "Are you sure that's all of us?"
Sig.Lad paused for a moment and sighed. "No, I'm not sure. We may be
resistant, but I doubt any of us are totally immune to the effects. Hopefully
we're not missing anyone important in the subgroup."
With that tacit ending of the informal meeting, they broke up. Particle
Man turned down the hall towards the sound of shuffling cards and predictably
Sidewinder went the other way. Squidman headed for the vehicle bay to work on
his Squidmobile, and Constellation followed. Kat and Sig.Lad headed for the
Bad Part Of Town....
* * * *
Doug brooded by the light of the fridge. The dreams were getting worse
lately. Anthropomorphic Raccoons. Mongooses...Mongeese? Tales Of The
Middle-Aged LNH. Superheroes based on alternative rock acts. The world was
already full of real superheroes and villains, why did he have to dream about
ones that didn't exist? Hell, he didn't even use computers that much, and he
was dreaming about some Legion of Net.Heroes off and on.
At least they used to make some kind of sense before. It was almost like
going to the movies, falling asleep was. Only the occasional 'story' fell out
of 'continuity,' and usually those were nightmares anyway. Drinking himself
into passing out didn't help, either...it just made the dreams incoherent.
Usually when he was with Sarah he'd been too tired to dream at night, but he
had enough real screamer nightmares even then. One of the reasons she'd dumped
him...who wants to be waken up every night by someone else's nightmares?
He grabbed a slice of cheese and munched on it thoughtfully. Should he go
back to bed? He really needed the sleep for tomorrow, even if it *was* dream-
infested sleep.
Doug checked the microwave's clock, greenly glowing in the dim room. 4:12
it told him. Well, time for another sleep cycle. Maybe the alarm would wake
him before he settled into another dream....
* * * *
The damage caused by those robots was almost totally repaired when the
reality storm slammed into Andale Atoll. Fortunately, Acton Lord had been
expecting such a thing in the wake of the cursed RACelestial's decision, and
had made sure the sensors and defenses were repaired first.
A sickly green dome sprang up around the small island, corruscating and
shifting nauseatingly as the reality storm pummelled against it. To the normal
eye, the storm was invisible except as maybe an occasional flickering as clouds
or rain from other realities impinged. But the heaving barrier attested to the
power of the storm for all to see.
Acton Lord cursed as a tendril of the retcon energy lashed through the
underground Gradgnome Warrens and changed a section of them into Philosophy
Majors before he could strengthen the fields. He silently hoped that there
would be a world he could corrupt after this was over....
* * * *
"Over here, Siggy...!" shouted Kat from an alleyway.
Sig.Lad, wearing a short-sleeved version of his costume, poked his head
into the alley. "What'd you find?"
"Some kind of temporal stresses...in the milliLorentz range. I'd say Kid
Macro was...what the hell?!?"
Sig.Lad dashed over to Kat's side. "What?"
"Readings shooting up, almost in the...." Kat's sentence was cut short as
everything suddenly shifted around them. Now they were in a dirt-floored alley
between several one-story hovels.
Sig.Lad looked around for a moment.
"Was that just a massive retcon, Sig.Lad?"
"No...I don't think so. In fact, this looks like Net.xico. It's possible
that our presence triggered some latent timespace distortion left by Kid Macro
and teleported us randomly. I think I'll...hey! I can't change shape! I was
going to use Sig.Lock's power, but if I can't change form I can't access the
.Sig Power."
"Thank you Mr. Exposition. I think I'm stuck too...but who am I? I mean,
this isn't the body I normally use when I want to look human. For one thing,
skin's too pale."
Sig.Lad shook his head. "Sorry, don't recognize the face myself.
Whatever grabbed us is blocking our shapeshifting powers as well, which is Bad
News."
"Especially since most of our offensive punch is linked to other forms."
Just then, a street merchant wheeled his cart over to the two. His hair
was white with age, and his skin like rumpled leather.
"Ah, you are American tourists, no?" he asked in a slightly accented
voice. "Perhaps you would like to purchase some authentic native handiwork,
purest silver! I see you like masks, sir...perhaps this ornamental silver
mask? It is reputed in legend to have magical powers...."
The vendor held up a plain silver mask, dulled slightly by time and
moisture. It had a pair of eyeslits but no more ornamentation than that, which
was odd for Net.xican craftwork. But something compelled Sig.Lad to reach out
and touch it, and he could see Kat reaching for it as well.
His gloved fingertips touched the metal, and an electric thrill went up
his spine for a fraction of a second. Then a rainbow-colored vortex blotted
out his vision and he felt reality slipping away....
* * * *
Oh, the thrill in being Constellation! The primal power of all reality
flowing from your fingertips, from your mind! To be as far beyond the normal
superbeing as that superbeing is beyond mortality!
I revel in the power, soaring into high orbit and seeing the stars all
come out in their majesty and color. A small meteor hurtles by and I smash it
to gravel with a spray of sparks from my hands.
Returning to Earth, I speed low above the treetops, my body totally black
and invulnerable to all harm. Such is my speed that when I accidentally pass
through a flock of birds they don't even notice the flitting shadow.
My normal 'human' senses are inadequate to the task of guiding me, so I
relax my vision and let the other senses open to me take over. Seeing gravity
and mass...far greater range of sense than mere sight. If I want I could see
the entire Earth around me, but I focus on the few cubic miles around me. A
faint whiff of magic reaches my nose. Experience tells me it's simply a
dabbler trying a love potion.
Ah, love. My 'ears' pick up the thoughts of my beloved nearby. It is a
simple matter to swoop down and pick her up in my now-solid arms. "Hello, my
love! Come fly with me for a while!"
She looks confused. "Constellation? Where are we? There was some
vortex...." I cut her off with a reassuring calm in my voice.
"Nothing's wrong, my dear. Everything is in its place and all is right
with the world. All that's important is that we're together!"
Her face flickers with doubt, as if there were someone else for her but
me! But before I can confront her on this matter, she speaks again.
"Er...what about the rest of the Dvanders? Are they here too?"
I grimace as I recall my responsibility to my teammates. I scan the area
with my senses, and find them in a cavern a few miles away. "I've found them,
it looks like they're all there." Damn! To chose between my own desires and
the responsibilities of being a hero. To suddenly be reminded of my duties.
Perhaps they can wait...no! I hear their thoughts, and by focusing through the
rockface can see their forms moving about.
Or rather, one of them moving. Sidewinder lies on the floor, obviously
unconscious. Sig.Lad stoops over him while the others stand motionless as
statues. I hear Sig.Lad's thoughts as he voices them....
"He's been stuck in this thread too long! He'll die if we don't get him
out of here and into another topic! Particle Man...use your They Might Be
Power to get him past the guard! Kid Macro...run him out at super speed! Why
are you all standing there? Do something! My powers aren't working or I'd get
him out! He's -- going -- to -- DIE!"
My selfishness is shed like a robe as I realize my true place as a hero,
my responsibility to my friends and not just to myself. I cry out, more to
myself than to her in my arms, "Damn! Sidewinder's dying, and it's my fault!"
"Can't we help him?"
"Yes...but we're...we're in a land of Magic and Legend, and see there! A
mighty Craw Giant guards the entrance to the cave Sidewinder's trapped in!
I'll rescue him...but I must do it alone! I won't let you get hurt by that
creature!"
"If I could change shape, we'd see who'd be hurt," she mumbles as I set
her down on an outcropping. Does she suspect I placed the guardian there
myself? Still, I must defeat it, lest my friends die!
My confidence rises every second as I batter the great beast into
submission. Yet I get too confident...its magickal nature allows it to bypass
my defenses and I'm dazed for a moment. Yet even pressed as I am, I must know
if Sidewinder is still alive.
His spirit is fading! He's stopped breathing! No time for subtlety, I
summon my mighty comet sword and with one titanic blow fell the giant! As fast
as I can I rush into the cavern....
But I'm too late. Another has died because of me. "He's dead! A living
creation of another writer, and I've killed him!" My soul crumbles under the
weight of the guilt...I realize I don't deserve to be Constellation. I am not
he...he could have saved them all. I see her enter the cave while Sig.Lad is
still wondering what has just transpired. I realize who I am then, and how
much I need her, her understanding. Her love.
"Sarah, please...I did this for you! To prove myself...but I failed!
Please...I need you...I can't make it without you...."
I am Constellation no longer. Just a man with dreams.
Sig.Lad starts with a shock. "He's...changing! That's not
Constellation!"
I try to make it right, but the words stumble and trip out of my mouth.
"I created this reality...one where I could be a hero. Everything was mine!
But I couldn't let it go at that...I had to prove myself. I brought death into
this little world so I could defeat it. And it defeated me...and I lose
everything...."
She ignores me, as I knew she would, instead turning to the surroundings.
"Look! Everyone's fading! None of this is real!"
I let them go.
Darkness. Sweet, warm darkness envelops all.
* * * *
Constellation [the real one this time, folks - Editor] strolled somewhat
bemusedly down the corridors of the LNHQ. Particle Man had just dashed off to
see Occultism Kid, based on what he'd just found out from Constellation [see
Particle Man's own title for this scene. - Editor]. He supposed he should get
back to the vehicle bay and make sure Squidman hadn't had his memories
rearraged again.
Suddenly, something else came up to occupy his thoughts. A hulking
reptilian cyborg of some sort stepped out of a seething portal that appeared
out of nowhere. He seemed unstable, as if he were flowing from one form to
another as one watched.
"I AM IMPLO. THIS TITLE IS CANCELLED!"
Constellation was in absolutely NO mood for this kind of thing (he rarely
is, to be honest) and his response was terse and to the point. "Bite me."
IMPLO seemed taken aback at this response. "Why do you address me so
flippantly? I am IMPLO, the lord of cancellation!"
"Yeah, and two minutes from now you'll be gone again when the next retcon
wave hits. Go scare someone else."
"Ha! So, you think me a mere transient effect of this RETCON HOUR, eh?
Not at all! I am a major force behind it, and am not so easily dismissed. And
when I cancel a title, it stays cancelled! This is your last issue,
Constellation!"
Constellation sighed, as if trying to explain the concept of 'later' to an
insistent child. "Look, this isn't really a comic book, you can't cancel it
anyway."
"Yes it is too a comic book! Well, a net.version of one anyway...."
"No, it's not. This is an oddball little dimension that happens to be in
synch with another dozen or so realities in such a way that some things that
happen here are reflected in fiction there, and some fiction written there
influences events here."
IMPLO paused for a moment to think. All the others he had cancelled to
date had known in their hearts they lived in fictional accounts. This had made
cancellation far easier. And those not aware of the nature of the Looniverse
couldn't impede him. But this being knew of the multiple layers of reality.
He just believed in a different one. Better to leave him for later.
"Feh, hold on to your precious fairy tale beliefs for now. I shall be
back once I have dealt with a number of other titles. But do not think you are
safe...from IMPLO! I will be back...this series is now Limited..." he ended on
an ominous note. Before he had to suffer the indignity of another rebuttal, he
left for easier targets.
Constellation breathed a sigh of relief. He'd almost started to believe
the entity...and he could feel reality starting to slip. That was close. He
started to shiver a little as the enormity of what he'd done sank in: he'd held
off an entity who seemed capable of destroying huge segments of reality, and
done it merely by force of will. How powerful was he, really? Doubts had
always held him back before, but on those few times he'd really put his all
into something, it had been...impressive. Maybe Spartacus's little talk [see
Constellation #24 - Ed] was starting to sink into his thick skull.
And if he could really believe in how he saw the universe, maybe he could
really believe in himself...and in Dot.
* * * *
Sheer power isn't everything...skill and determination, that's what I
need! To be the Squidman! Personification of the human spirit, a hero who
wouldn't even let death stop him, despite lacking any real powers. While far
from the peak of physical perfection, his will made up for any weakness of the
flesh.
I smile coldly through the tentacled cowl as I overlook a horrifying
spectacle below. Sarah is slightly below me on another outcropping of rock
while Sig.Lad faces a fearsome beast on the ground.
"It's happened again!" he shouts. "Now we're trapped with some kind of
Minotaur!"
"Sig.Lad! Try your Gauntlet of GIF before he tramples you!"
Ah, he still has that weapon left him. But he cannot save her, *I* must
do that. I still have much to prove.
The Hurloon Minotaur lashes out with a mighty fist and knocks aside the
blaster Sig.Lad had called up. Fast as lightning, the magickal beast grabs
Sig.Lad's wrist and crushes the Gauntlet, then tosses the hero aside, stunning
him against the rock walls. It snorts its contempt as it steps on the blaster,
shattering it in a burst of light.
She tries to leap down to save him...damn! She mustn't go down there. I
have to save her, not her save him!
"Kat, don't!"
"Squidman, you're here too? Is it really you, or just another image?"
"It's really Squidman, Kat. I'll save him!"
Unbidden, memories of Sidewinder flash into my head. Sig.Lad may be a
rival, but he's a teammate. I can't let him die too! It stabs into my
consciousness...the realization: I'm not just a jealous man, nor am I a mere
instrument of vengeance against crime...I'm a hero! If I ask to live a hero, I
must be ready to *die* a hero.
I leap from my perch, putting everything into a solid punch on the
Minotaur's flank. It notices me, turning away from the fallen Sig.Lad. It
charges at me, intending to smash me against the wall, but I leap into the air
and pop an inkbomb, blinding it. Enraged beast that it is, it smashes headlong
into the rocky surface it had intended for me. It staggers out of the cloud,
amazingly still conscious. Steam comes from its nostrils in great gouts as it
tries to catch its wind in the chilly mountain air. I don't let it. A
Squidrang to the face blocks its mouth and nostrils for a precious moment, a
moment I use to leap on its back and strike precisely at a nerve cluster behind
the right ear. Stunned, it drops, and in moments I have it trussed up like a
rodeo calf.
I turn to her. "Sarah, are you all right?"
"That voice! You're not Squidman!"
"No, I'm not! You know who I am, Sarah...and why I'm here!"
To realize that the inner fire, the true heroism in me didn't come from
some set of powers, but from within! To feel the strength that comes from
knowing you did good...good from inside you. I lift the cowl, giving them the
first good look at my face, a face turned away in shame when I sought heroism
in the power of Constellation and failed.
"You!" shouts Sig.Lad. "Kid Macro?!?"
Then a ringing fills the air. I clutch my ears against it, but it grows
in volume until I can't bear it anymore....
* * * *
Doug reaches over and slams his hand down on the snooze bar. 7:10 the
clock says. He can sneak in a few more winks...that last dream wasn't so bad,
really, maybe the next one he'll get Sarah back for good.
"Okay, kid, what the HELL (TM) is going on here?"
Doug sat bolt upright. The voice belonged to a rather angry-looking
figure at the foot of the bed. What little dawn light penetrated the room did
little to reveal his identity. Behind him was a woman. Doug fumbled with the
lamp by the bed.
It was Sig.Lad and Sarah...no, she's shifting...Kopikat from his dreams!
"Damn, I must not be awake yet if you guys are still around. Odd, I don't
usually stay myself in my dreams."
Kopikat reached over and pinched his leg, HARD. "Awake enough for you,
kid? Who are you, and how did you bring us here?"
"Uh...I'm Doug Ellis...but you can't really be here! You're only in my
dreams, aren't you? I can't be awake now!"
Sig.Lad leaned closer. "Fine. Maybe we're in your dreams still. But we
aren't figments of your imagination. We're real people dragged into your
dreamscape. Is Kid Macro another of your dreams?"
"Uh, yeah, he is...I think. What's happening here, anyway?"
A third voice came out of the corner of the room, getting louder as the
speaker walked forward into the light. He was a scraggly sort of guy who
looked like he belonged in an alternative rock band.
"THAT is a very good question, eh?"
Sig.Lad and Doug both recognized him about the same time, and said in
unison, "Tymythy Twystyd?"
"Timothy who?" asked Kat.
Tym shook his head. "No, Tymythy. With y's. You say it like Timothy,
but type it like Tymythy."
Doug did a double take. "Type it?"
Tym smiled one of those kind of smiles that told Doug he was going to wish
he hadn't gotten out of bed today. And he hadn't even gotten out of bed
yet....
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(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
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(>) RETCON HOUR PART 20 (<)
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(>) Unlikely Aliens #5 (<)
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(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
Unlikely Aliens #5
"Days of Retcon Past"
RETCON HOUR 20
[The cover is the first half of a two-part cover. The cover as a whole is a
a melange of different scenes, split between the two. In the upper left,
Wyrd is batting away a chess set rising up around her as if she was in Alice
Through the Looking Glass. In the lower left, Ur-Grue is drowning in an
odd body of water. At the top, Hybrid is grappling with something that
extends onto the other cover. Lesser scenes and images are scattered through
it all. The Retcon Hour logo is prominently displayed at the lower right,
and the right side of the cover is half of a purple-and-green clad face at
the heart of it all.]
The first clue they had that something was wrong was the house.
The group that was currently calling itself the "Unlikely Aliens" had
returned to RAC.Arthur Park in anticipation of finding a strange shimmering
pool that might be somehow linked to how they had arrived in the LNH
Looneyverse, and might perhaps be a way home for some of them.
They had returned to the clearing in which they had first appeared, but
instead of finding themselves in a small clearing with a shimmering pool,
they found themselves standing in a small open field west of a white house,
with a boarded front door. There was a small mailbox there.
"Weird," Hybrid said. "Unless I'm completely mistaken, this wasn't
here last night, was it?"
"Not that I can recall," Zagyg said, walking over to look at the
boarded front door and windows. "Either we've made a wrong turn somewhere,
or someone put a house here very quickly." He opened the mailbox, finding a
small leaflet inside. He pulled it out and looked it over.
Pack Rat happened to glance over at Ur-Grue. The dark being had been
sticking to the shadows and his own aura of darkness to avoid the hated
sunlight, but Pack Rat could see, even through the shadows, that Ur-Grue's
glowing red eyes had gone wide, and his monstrous face was set in a position
of shock. "You all right?" Pack Rat asked, slightly concerned.
"I know this place," Ur-Grue said. He moved over to look closely at
the house, running a claw along its trim. "It belongs in my universe. And
if it is here, then something is severely wrong with both universes. This
could have catastrophic consequences, should my suspicions be correct."
"A bit over-dramatic, there, don't you think?" Pack Rat observed.
"Maybe not," Hybrid said, typing away at the computer in his arm.
"According to the date created and date modified code on the house, it was
created over a decade ago, and it was last modified a few years back.
There's no sign that it was ever anywhere else, and no indication that there
was ever a pool of any sort here. Weird."
Wyrd glanced up at this, then turned towards Ur-Grue. "Okay, let's say
that this actually is the house from your world. What happens next?"
"If my suspicions are correct, then the house may have been moved here
by the same forces who have invaded my universe. If they have come along
with it, then this region could become very dangerous soon."
"Truer than you think, dark one!"
The Unlikely Aliens all looked up at the voice. An oval portal had
appeared suspended in mid-air, crackling with an unspecified type of energy.
Six beings had leapt through the portal: a man and a woman in nearly
identical uniforms and odd acorn-cap helmets, a person made of water and a
little floating debris, a woman dressed in ornate robes, a heavily muscular
man in ivory plate mail, whose ivory helmet (or possibly head, it was hard
to tell) was shaped like a horse's head, and a sad-looking young woman in
black with a large, ornate crown and a sceptre raised high.
The Unlikely Aliens dropped back, readying weapons and powers. "These
the opposition you were expecting, Ur-Grue?" Zagyg asked.
"No," Ur-Grue responded. "I have never encountered these beings in my
life."
"What, you've forgotten us already?" the robed woman asked with a
mocking smile. "Tch. And after all the effort we've taken to frustrate the
five of you all this time. You'd think we'd mean something to you."
"Enough bantering, Straight Lines," the armored man said. "He's just
trying to provoke you. Surely none could forget the power and fury of...
the Chessset!" He pulled a large, ivory mace from his belt and glanced over
at the girl in black. "Shall we strike now, 'my Queen?'" he asked with a
peculiar edge to his voice.
The girl in black said nothing, but only closed her eyes sadly and
nodded. The other five leapt to the attack a moment before Hybrid managed
to encase the ivory knight in the walnut shell he had programmed up. A
moment later a square appeared over the walnut shell and passed down along
it before disappearing. The knight appeared in a similar effect beside
Hybrid and struck him in the head with the mace, sending him staggering.
"Really, I'd have expected better from you, Hybrid. You should know by
now that that won't work on me," the knight said condescendingly. He
teleported again, using the strange effect, to appear two steps behind and
one step to the left of his old location. This happened to put him right
beside Zagyg, who barely managed to turn and parry in time to prevent the
mace from making rather a mess of his head.
Each of the members of the Chessset seemed to have picked out a target
except for the Queen. The robed woman stepped towards Hybrid and raised her
arms at an angle. The female soldier drew a bronze sword and faced off
against Wyrd, while the male took a spear from his back and confronted Pack
Rat. The being of water dissolved into the ground, only to reform around
Ur-Grue, trapping him entirely within it's now vaguely feminine shape. The
Queen merely stood by the portal, sceptre raised slightly defensively.
Ur-Grue struggled within the watery form of the being. Not only was he
likely to drown, but he could feel salt swirling in the water around him,
scouring his skin severely. (And, amazingly enough, aLLiterative Lass was
nowhere to be seen.) The watery woman smiled malevolently. In a watery
voice, she said, "What's the matter, creep? Not even one little tinsot?
Maybe a radnog or two? Just try it."
Ur-Grue managed to grip the ground tightly with his claws. He was
bleeding from a few surface abrasions now, thanks to the scouring salt, but
he managed to push himself forward just enough to get his face out of the
water. "Frotz!" he cried out. A blinding light appeared on the woman's
eyes. She blinked, momentarily blinded, then dissolved her face and
reformed it on the other side of her head. Ur-Grue looked up in
astonishment as he was slowly pulled back in. "Who - who are you?"
"You know that. I am Friend to the Undertow. I take you in; I don't
let go. And now I have you..." With that, Ur-Grue was completely pulled
into Undertow's form. He struggled to hold his breath and break free as a
small bone floated past his eyes...
Hybrid faced the robed woman, the one the knight had called "Straight
Lines," as he typed warily. He wasn't sure what to expect, so he was simply
preparing to call up a generic solid at first.
Straight Lines flung her arms forward and a pair of incredibly thin
black lines flew forward and diagonally outward. Hybrid created a
rectangular shield in front of him, but the lines flew on diagonal paths
past it, then angled sharply inward, striking Hybrid in the shoulders like
long needles, sending shooting pains through him. He quickly created a
vaguely cage-like structure above the woman, which fell quickly towards her,
but she simply smiled and raised her arms, and new straight lines wove
themselves into a barrier which deflected the cage off to the side. With a
gesture, they reformed themselves as a knife-like object and flew straight
for Hybrid. He dodged, but it was increasingly obvious that this was going
to be difficult.
Pack Rat readied a blaster, while Wyrd conjured up her flame orbs. The
two soldiers seemed to be slightly hesitant about attacking, as if they felt
sure that the ensuing battle would be very unpleasant and unwinnable for
them. Finally, however, the woman raised her sword and leapt at Wyrd, who
responded by launching her flame orbs. The woman dodged and rolled easily,
and managed to strike Wyrd a glancing blow with the sword. Wyrd's polykev
protected her from more than a nasty bruise, but the woman looked genuinely
surprised that she had actually connected. Pack Rat fired his blaster at
the man, who dodged out of the way and swung his spear at the blaster. It
connected, knocking the blaster aside.
The man looked stunned. In an amazed voice, he said, "Pawn, I don't
believe it. I just disarmed Pack Rat without getting fried in the process."
"Either he and Wyrd are getting way too slow, or we're actually
managing to become useful in a fight," the woman he had called Pawn said,
seemingly equally amazed as she deflected a fireball with her sword. "What
do you think, Soldier? Either way, it's - ooof!"
Pawn was interrupted by Wyrd landing a kinetic punch to her gut,
knocking her back and into the side of the house. She hit her head on the
wall and fell unconscious. Soldier quickly followed her when Pack Rat hit
him on the side of the head with a stun baton.
Zagyg was still struggling with the knight. Zagyg was quick and
skilled, but the knight was strong and almost as skilled, although perhaps a
bit slower. He only needed one hit with the mace to take Zagyg out of
commission. Zagyg had no intention of actually letting him make that hit,
but he was being pressed rather hard by the knight's attack.
"What's the matter, Zagyg?" the knight taunted. "No flip comments? No
flashy maneuvers? The last time I saw you, you were being witty while being
menaced by a fifty-foot tall beast of rotting limburger cheese. Surely you
can spare a taunt for an old foe such as myself."
Zagyg parried and thrust. "Look, I tried to make myself clear before,
but I'll say it again: I have no idea who you are. I've never met you. For
that matter, none of the others seem to have met you or your 'Chessset.'"
"You know, Ygraine," the knight said as he pounded away at Zagyg's
defense, "if that weren't such a blatant untruth, I'd almost be willing to
believe you. You seem almost sincere."
Pack Rat had moved over towards Undertow and Ur-Grue. He pulled a claw
grapple from a strap around his arm and aimed it at Ur-Grue. He'd only get
one shot, if that, at trying to save him from drowning.
Undertow saw the grapple and smiled maliciously. "Naughty, naughty,"
she giggled maniacally. She raised a hand towards Pack Rat. Encrustations
of salt began to form on the fingertips, growing into small spikes. She
whipped her hand around in a throwing motion, and hurled the salt spikes at
Pack Rat, wedging them in weak spots in his armor and jamming the claw
grapple.
Wyrd readied a pair of kinetic orbs. Straight Lines was getting
dangerously close to hitting Hybrid with her sword, and the knight seemed to
have the advantage over Zagyg. She had to make this count. She leveled her
left fist at Straight Lines and her right fist at the knight. She launched
the spheres, and was rewarded by the sight of Straight Lines staggering back
and the knight being knocked to his knees.
Rabid Child straightened up and glared at her. "Lucky shot, girlie,"
he said. "But it's not over yet."
Wyrd blinked. "Huh?" she replied eloquently.
Flame Writer launched another bolt of flame at Hybrid, which he dodged,
confused. "What's the matter, fuzzbag? Can't do your fighting without
calling in your girl to save you?"
Ur-Grue sputtered up from the small pool he found himself in to face
Flood. "What now?" Ur-Grue said. "Something has changed."
"Yes. We're beating you, for the first time in a while," Flood replied
as he aimed a gout of water at Ur-Grue.
Pack Rat noted that the salt slivers were gone, and he aimed the claw
grapple at Flood, confused but willing to take advantage of the situation.
Just then, however, he was knocked to the ground by someone landing on him.
Plummet leapt off him and landed nimbly on his feet.
"No tricks will save you this time, PR," Plummet cackled. "Mine is the
power to jump higher and fall faster than any other living thing, as you
well know, and I still know how to use it!" He leapt high into the air and
began falling straight at Wyrd.
Wyrd glared up at the plummeting Plummet. "Yeah? Well try this on for
size!" She concentrated, and purple spheres appeared around her fists. She
rolled one across the ground, like a bowling ball, and fired the other one
at it. They flared a bright purple, and suddenly Plummet felt himself
falling away from Wyrd and towards the orbs. He screamed as he crashed into
the ground beneath the orbs and began falling all the way through the earth.
Zagyg circled warily around Rabid Child. The blonde, muscular man
grinned and raised his hands towards Zagyg, showing off the claws implanted
in the tips of his fingers.
"I don't understand anything that's going on here," Zagyg complained,
"and for me, that's saying something."
"What's the matter, bard?" the cheerful psychotic asked. "Can't
understand the idea of getting beaten?"
"No," Zagyg said as he swiped the side of the sword along the top of
Rabid Child's head, "It's much stranger than that." Rabid Child's eyes
rolled upwards and he fell like a sack of potatoes.
As Ur-Grue grappled with Flood, Hybrid moved between Flood and Flame
Writer. "Hey, flamer! Over here!"
"You are so dense, furball. Only a clueless loser would actually want
to be hit - but I guess with you, that goes without saying, right?" Flame
Writer launched a vicious barrage of flames at Hybrid, who leapt out of the
way. Flood managed to turn around just in time to see the flames flying
right at him.
"No!" he cried as the flames flew at him. He launched a jet of high-
pressure water at the flames and Flame Writer. The fire and water collided,
throwing out huge gouts of superheated steam. As it cleared, Flood and
Flameproof Lad were revealed lying on the ground, unconscious.
Ur-Grue flexed his claws as he emerged from the clearing steam. "Now
that that is over, can someone please clear up what in the world is going
on?" He sounded even more annoyed than usual.
"Beats me," Hybrid said. "I'm still wondering what energy that was
that Wyrd used to defeat Plummet."
"That? That was just my gravity orbs. You've seen me use them a
hundred..." She trailed off. "No, wait a second. I've never used them
before in my life. Weird. For some reason, I was just thinking that I had
used them a lot before. There's something... Look at that!"
She pointed towards the spot where the Chessset's portal had been.
There was now an ugly-looking gash in the fabric of reality floating there,
with energy crackling around its edges. The gash was slowly shrinking, and,
as the Unlikely Aliens watched, it completely closed. As it did so,
Flameproof Lad, Flood, Rabid Child, the hole Plummet had left, and even the
depression where Flood had tried to drown Ur-Grue all faded from existence.
There was a long moment of silence. Finally, Wyrd said, "Okay, is it
just me going insane, or did all that really just happen?"
Ur-Grue touched his abraded skin. "It happened. However, it appears
that it may not have been supposed to happen. I have a theory..."
"Look!" Zagyg called out. A new portal was visible a short ways off
into the trees. This one was shaped like a glowing door frame, and opened
onto blackness.
The Unlikely Aliens cautiously approached and looked in. There was
absolutely nothing beyond. Blackness extended on all sides of the door to
infinity.
Pack Rat tilted his head. "Listen. Do you hear something?"
They all strained to hear. A faint screaming did seem to be emanating
from the doorway. It grew louder and louder, until the source of it came
into view. A woman in bandages, casts, and spandex fell _upwards_ past the
doorway, screaming. She was followed by a few other people, including a boy
who, apparently panicking, transformed into a shrimp cocktail. There was a
moment's pause, then another man fell upwards, calling out, "Wait for me!"
There was a long pause. Finally, Hybrid broke the silence. "Well,
that was-"
He was interrupted by another screaming group falling past the portal.
This one was falling downwards, but it was no less strange than the other
group. At least the other group lacked a large yellow robot who called out
"MITCHELL!!!" for no apparent reason as he fell past the door.
There was another moment of silence. Then the door closed, fading from
existence. Hybrid cleared his throat. "I was going to say, 'That was
strange,' but somehow, that just doesn't quite seem adequate any more."
"Okay, I am now officially clueless," Skyrunner groused. "What in the
world is happening?"
"I have a theory," Ur-Grue reiterated. "If I am correct, it appears
that holes are opening in time and space. The groups we fought may have
been pulled from our future, so that they knew us, but we did not know them
- yet. This doorway may have viewed a location outside of time, where
various time travelers plummet past us. If I am correct, then either
someone is attempting to eliminate us in a highly improbable manner, or
reality is coming apart at the seams. Neither conclusion is encouraging."
"A temporal disturbance, eh?" Zagyg mused. "Yeah, that would fit, but
in my experience, there's a cliched scene that has to be used at this
point..."
A scream cut through the conversation from the park nearby. "Help!
Dinosaurs on the loose!"
"Yep, that's the one."
TO BE CONTINUED
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
_ _
(>) RETCON HOUR PART 23 (<)
_ _
(>) Unlikely Aliens #6 (<)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>) (<) (>)
Unlikely Aliens #6
"If This Be Retcon..."
RETCON HOUR 23
FINAL ISSUE! SURE TO BE A COLLECTOR'S CLASSIC!
[This cover is the other half of the last issue's cover. At the top is a
quadrupedal dinosaur with knobby armor. Its tail extends onto the other
cover, where Hybrid is struggling with it. On the lower right, Pack Rat is
posed wearing unfamiliar armor (unfamiliar to anyone who hasn't seen
Bubblegum Crisis, that is), while, above that, Zagyg is confronting several
shadowy figures. The half-face on the left completes the face from last
issue, revealing it to be the mysterious figure IMPLO. The Retcon Hour logo
is set beneath the face, and a box on the lower right says "Final Issue! Buy
two and bag one in the ridiculous hope that it'll be worth more than the
Mona Lisa someday!"]
In fact, it was only one dinosaur, and a rather odd one at that.
"Anklyosaurus."
"What?" Wyrd looked at Hybrid in confusion.
"It's an anklyosaurus. A type of dinosaur dating back to the
Cretaceous period. Their significant features were bony armor covering
their bodies and a bony knob at the end of their tails serving as a club.
Fortunately, they were herbivores, and harmless unless threatened or
panicked."
The fifteen-foot long dinosaur roared and knocked another park bench
over with its thrashing tail as the portal shimmered behind it.
"Unfortunately, I'd say that this one's panicked. Any ideas on how to
stop it?"
"Well," Zagyg speculated, "those other guys disappeared when their
portal closed. Maybe if we could artificially close this portal, the dino
would disappear too." He readied his synthesizer and tapped a few keys
idly. "Unfortunately, I can't think of any appropriate song. Any of you
got anything useful?"
"Alas, no," Ur-Grue said. "While rezrov is unparalleled at opening
anything non-organic that can be opened, I never felt it necessary to learn
the reverse. All my other spells that might apply are currently of too
great a power to be accessible to me now."
"Reversed? That gives me an idea." Pack Rat rummaged through his
items and snapped a few together into an odd-looking device. "This might
work, but we'll have to get close enough to the portal to use it. Hybrid,
Wyrd, Zagyg, do you think you can distract the anklyo-whatever long enough
for me and Ur-Grue to get to the portal?"
"Natch," Wyrd smiled as she launched fireballs at either side of the
anklyosaur's head, not hitting it, but giving it a strong distraction.
Zagyg aided by playing a flurry of confusing sonics at the anklyosaur. Pack
Rat and Ur-Grue dashed towards the portal past the tail Hybrid was holding
back.
"You had best know what you are doing," Ur-Grue said.
"I do. Trust me." He aimed the device at the portal. "Right. Now,
cast that rezrov thing, but aim it at the polaricon, not at the portal."
Ur-Grue looked at Pack Rat oddly, but extended a claw to point at the
device and intoned, "Rezrov polaricon."
The device shuddered for a moment, and its battery panel began to open,
but then the device beeped, and lights began activating all across its
surface. A beam of light leapt from its twin prongs to the portal, which
began to draw itself closed. With a snap, it shut, and the anklyosaur faded
away, presumably back to its own time.
"Not bad," Zagyg commented. "What was that?"
"A reversal-maximitron dually-orienting polaricon. It reverses any
form of energy or effect applied to it. I gambled that it would work for
magic as well, and it looks like it worked. The real question is, what
happened to your clothes?"
Zagyg glanced down at himself. His red pants and jacket had turned a
light violet, and his yellow shirt was now blue. He wore a pair of plaid
sandals, and a teal baseball cap with a logo in Elvish completed the outfit.
Skyrunner had turned white.
"Offhand, I'd say that some other temporal anomaly happened. Still,
the detail on this one is quite good. The jacket even bears a nearly
imperceptible stain from that one encounter with a green slime. Almost as
if I'd been wearing these clothes the whole time... Anyway, hopefully it'll
wear off on its own. Otherwise, I may have to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Not too bad, but still."
"Not too bad?" Skyrunner squawked. "What about me? If this thing
doesn't wear off, what am I supposed to do? Buy new feathers? Get a dye
job? I-"
Fortunately, he never had to complete the sentence, because Zagyg's
clothes and Skyrunner's feathers returned to normal at that moment. They
relaxed for a moment. Then, they heard another scream. Outside the park,
on the street, they could see a group of medieval-looking mercenary types
grabbing people and threatening them in some archaic form of German. A
pentagonal portal floated nearby.
The Unlikely Aliens, naturally, sighed and headed for the portal.
*****
Over the next few hours the Unlikely Aliens roamed through Net.ropolis,
led by sightings of portals, the screams of passers-by, and, eventually, by
distortions that Hybrid found in the local source code. The reversed rezrov
spells worked well at closing the portals, while Zagyg, Wyrd, and Hybrid
held off a variety of threats, including cavemen, Net.sis, and a group of
bank robbers and cattle rustlers who alternately called themselves the James
Gang, the Earl Gang, and the Jones Gang. While in general interesting, the
encounters wore on over the course of the day, and grew slightly tedious.
Of more interest were the various retcons that overtook the group,
changing various aspects of the heroes, or even their base natures. One of
the most drastic in fact changed the genre from comic books to anime. Pack
Rat was pleased by his Knight Sabers power armor, but nobody quite knew what
to make of Wyrd's third eye and radical personality shift, and Zagyg was
exasperated by having to take the group out of its way to find hot water to
convert him back from female form. Of course, that point became moot when,
minutes after the effects of that retcon wore off, a new retcon reversed
everyone's gender. Myriad annoyances plagued the group due to these
retcons, but fortunately, the retcons all seemed to be of limited duration,
and the Unlikely Aliens slowly grew to be able to ignore all but the most
dramatic.
Eventually, as most of the major holes in time, space, and the plot
were plugged, Hybrid noticed a pattern in their locations. They all seemed
to center around one structure in the heart of Net.ropolis.
*****
The Unlikely Aliens looked at LNH HQ speculatively. It wasn't the most
inviting of places, but then again, it wasn't exactly threatening either.
Perhaps the best description would be "inconsistent," as at this point,
retcons were washing over it almost constantly. Whole wings were being
edited into and out of existence within seconds, and the basic structure was
constantly rippling like - well, there is absolutely nothing like the way a
building ripples when it is changing styles and building materials several
times a second except for itself. Thus, it was rippling exactly like the
LNH HQ under concerted reality assault.
Hybrid looked up from his wrist computer and adjusted goggles that
hadn't been there a minute ago. "Well, whatever this place is, it's
definitely the center of all the chaos that's been going on around here.
So, do we want to go inside, or just retire back to the white house and get
a good night's sleep?"
"Fairly obvious answer," Zagyg said as he approached the door, which
was being retconned between open and closed states.
"You got that right," Wyrd agreed. "See you all back there." She
began to head off towards RAC.Arthur Park before being restrained by
Hybrid's gentle paw on her shoulder. She sighed and turned towards the HQ.
Zagyg rested his hand on his rapier. "I'll go in first, just in case
there's something bad in store. Wyrd, Pack Rat, cover me. Skyrunner, can
you scout from the air?"
"No problem. Frankly, you've gotta be nuts to volunteer to go on point
into that place."
Zagyg grinned. "Nuts or adventurous, my fine feathered familiar. Your
choice."
Rolling his eyes, Skyrunner flew into the air over LNH HQ. Zagyg
lowered the brim of his hat, laid a hand on his rapier, and stepped through
the door as it was retconned open.
Zagyg walked through the door of the office, hanging his hat on the
hatrack and plopping down into the chair behind the desk. It had been a
long day. The Universal Anchor was on the fritz, something odd had been
going on with Generation Y, Pliable Lad had turned evil, then turned out to
not exactly be himself, the Dark Renegades were attacking, a weird being
called IMPLO was running around canceling titles, the Time Crapper,
Contraption Man, wReamicus Maximus and a host of other villains were on the
loose, and on top of it all, Myk-El may or may not have been dead again. It
was times like this when he wondered why he had ever agreed to become leader
of the LNH.
Admittedly, he thought, at the time, events had been confusing enough.
When it was announced that there would be an election for the position,
after Deja Dude had stepped down, there had been a host of frivolous
contenders for the position. He had nominated himself simply because he
realized that the Legion would quickly go downhill with, say, Bad-Timing Boy
or Easily-Discovered Man at the helm. Then, however, most of the frivolous
contenders either dropped out or fell too far behind in the votes. It came
down to him or Continuity Champ, and, with the added base given by
seniority...
Zagyg's thoughts were interrupted as Pizza Girl entered the room.
"Listen, I-" she began, then cut off abruptly as she noticed Zagyg.
"Yes, Aili?" he said politely. "What's up, aside from the chronal
chaos that's been going around?"
"Who are you?" she said, eyes narrowed.
Zagyg blinked. "You know me, Aili - don't you? I'm Zagyg Ygraine,
bard, spellsinger, fencer, and leader of the LNH."
"I've never heard of you," she said flatly. "Where's Ultimate Ninja?"
"Who?" Zagyg stood, puzzled.
"Ultimate Ninja, the leader of the Legion of Net.Heroes. I was coming
to ask him just what's going on and what he's doing to stop it."
Zagyg shook his head. "I've never heard of him." He gestured out the
doorway to the black-clad figure mopping the halls. "The only 'Ultimate'
who's a member of the LNH is Ultimate Janitor out there."
Pizza Girl looked incredulous at this, then stared at the black-garbed
janitor, who gave her a grim nod, then proceeded to mop the corridor in a
flurry of action. Pizza Girl rushed out after him, but he was already out
of sight down the sparkling clean corridor.
Zagyg had followed her out. She turned to him. "This is all wrong.
My uncle vanishes, then reappears. Generation Y changes, and _nobody
remembers it but me!_ There's something wrong, but nobody will listen!"
Zagyg looked troubled. "Well, I can tell you that we're under attack
by a number of villains with time-control powers, including the Time
Crapper, and that retcons have been flying fast and furious around here. It
sounds like you've been caught in the thick of some of them. That explains
the problems with your uncle, everything going wrong with Generation Y, and
why you remember that Ultimate Ninja person when he doesn't exist."
Ultimate Janitor rushed by again in a dusting frenzy.
Pizza Girl looked at Zagyg with frustrated, exhausted eyes. "But I've
never heard of you! How are you so sure that you're not the retcon?"
"Well, aside from the fact that I, along with the rest of the Unlikely
Aliens, was a founding member of the LNH, there's the fact that-"
"Zag!" Zagyg and Pizza Girl turned to see Skyrunner fluttering down
the corridor. He landed on Zagyg's shoulder.
"So, just where have you been?" Zagyg asked playfully.
"Looking for you. One moment you were just stepping in the door, and
the next - poof! You were gone!"
"What are you talking about? You flew off when the Time Crapper
appeared, remember? I had assumed that you had gone to hide or get
something to eat, or both."
Skyrunner eyeballed Zagyg disbelievingly. "Zag, are you nuts or just
plain absent-minded this time? We found this weird place, you went inside-"
"What weird place? This is LNH HQ, remember? The place we live? The
headquarters of the organization I'm the leader of?"
"Whaaat???" Skyrunner stared at Zagyg, then turned to Pizza Girl.
"Have you been doing something to him?"
"Hey, don't look at me. I've been _trying_ to tell him I've never
heard of him, but he won't listen."
Skyrunner nodded. "Typical." He turned back to Zagyg. "Zag, listen
to me. You're not leader of anything - heck, I'd pity any group that would
actually take you as leader. You arrived in this universe yesterday. You
met a bunch of other guys, and you were all kidnapped by this guy called the
Artificer. You fought him and beat him, and decided to call yourselves the
Unlikely Aliens. Is any of this getting through?"
Zagyg's brow was furrowed as he concentrated hard. "That happened -
but wasn't that back at the beginning? We came here, and met the rest of
the proto-LNH, and then the Artificer joined up with Dr. Killfile and- and-
no, that doesn't work..." He concentrated, then looked up suddenly, eyes
wide.
"You're right! I'm not leader of the LNH - I shouldn't even know what
the LNH is! I got here just yesterday." He turned to Pizza Girl. "I'm not
even supposed to know you."
Pizza Girl nodded as Zagyg looked around. "Wait a second. Wasn't
there supposed to be an office around here somewhere?"
The trio was now standing in a featureless stretch of corridor. The
office Zagyg and Pizza Girl had emerged from was nowhere in sight.
Pizza Girl and Zagyg looked at each other. Pizza Girl said, "I don't
know about you, but I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I think that
the leader's office ought to be off this way, whoever or whatever is in it
this time. I'm going to get some answers."
"I'll join you. I really think that it would be best if I could find
out just what the heck is going on before I become Grand
Obersteppenhuffenpuffentrooper of the Third Basement or something."
The two of them rushed down the corridors, with Skyrunner barely
maintaining his perch on Zagyg's shoulder. They stopped as they turned a
corner. The door to the office was there, but the figure emerging from the
office, turning off the lights and locking the door, was none other than-
"CANNON FODDER?"
Cannon Fodder turned towards them and nodded. "Yes, Aili? How can I
help you?"
Zagyg maintained just enough fading memory of the LNH roster to know
how odd this seemed. "But aren't you-"
"Dead? Yes. But I got better," he grinned, totally misinterpreting the
thrust of Zagyg's statement. He glanced at a clipboard. "Zagyg, if you and
the Unlikely Aliens are done closing up the time, space, and plot holes
across Net.ropolis, we could use reinforcements against the Knightforce
Elite, and there have been reports of a 'Legion of Unliving Legionnaires'
downtown. The UA would be handy against either."
"Wait a second," Pizza Girl cut in. "How in the world did you get to
be leader of the LNH?"
Cannon Fodder shrugged. "Well, the vote was pretty decisive, I'd say,
although there wasn't much challenge, given my tactical skill, aptitude for
administration, and of course, the infamous 'Infinite Kamikaze' maneuver."
He grinned again.
"This is just too weird," Pizza Girl muttered. "This can't be
happening."
"Truer than you think," a booming voice announced. "And soon, it will
never have been."
Zagyg and Pizza Girl turned. A huge, imposing figure in green and
purple filled the corridor behind them. Only its white eyes were visible
through the costume.
"Who are you?" Zagyg asked.
"I am... IMPLO. And you are about to be canceled."
"What?" Zagyg was slightly confused. "What do you mean?"
In the confusion, Cannon Fodder had been retconned out of the scene,
presumably to an appearance in another comic. The rest of the Unlikely
Aliens were now standing there.
"I have decreed that there are too many Legion of Net.Heroes titles,
overwhelming the bandwidth and cluttering the Net. Therefore, I have taken
it upon myself to cancel all of the comics of this universe. Yours is
next."
Wyrd frowned. "I don't get it. What do you mean, comics?"
IMPLO hesitated, perhaps recalling his troubles with Constellation and
the Secret Dvanders. Skyrunner took the opportunity to fly over to a ledge
near IMPLO and talk quietly to him.
"Look, pal, your trick isn't going to work here. Y'see, you know that
they're in a comic. I know that they're in a comic. But they haven't got
the slightest idea that they're in a comic. Even Zagyg's probably forgotten
what he knew in that retcon earlier. So, if you just walk up to them and
say, 'This book's canceled,' they're likely to just look confused and then
go on to thwomp you. And you don't want that. So just be a good cosmic
entity and move along, okay?"
IMPLO frowned beneath his mask. "So, you refuse to accept a mere
cancellation. Very well. I shall be forced to resort to more drastic
measures, then.
"Prepare to be retconned."
The Unlikely Aliens still looked blank at this. IMPLO almost allowed
himself to feel frustrated. "In this case that means retroactively killed."
The Aliens thought on this for a moment, then, just as they were about to do
something, IMPLO raised his hand, and a wave of pure, elemental retcon swept
forth and engulfed the five heroes.
Treacherous Cockroach nodded, and pulled a master switch. Electrodes
started arcing, flywheels began to crackle, and mysterious devices that go
"Bzzt" began to go "Bzzt." Then, something went wrong.
Treacherous Cockroach stared at a display in alarm. "Oh, no! The
Graveson Generators have gone out of synch! That could lead to a capacity
build-up, which would lead to fluctuations in the dipole flow, which means-"
He was interrupted by a loud bang from the platform where Hybrid was
standing. The tiger-beetle crossbreed was outlined in white light for an
eternal second, then the room was dark.
Treacherous Cockroach went over to the platform. There was nothing
left there but a small pile of black ashes. A multitude of thoughts about
the charcoal that had once been his son raced through his mind, but the one
that stood out most was, "Oh, no. How am I going to explain this in the
budget?"
Zagyg gestured with a dramatic flourish to a hatchway, and cried, "Out
of the doorway, the bullets rip, repeating to the sound of the beat!"
A stutter of gunfire erupted from the hatchway, and a hail of bullets
flew out at the mage. They passed straight through Alamaturos as Zagyg
moved in, drawing his rapier. He was caught by surprise when Alamaturos
ignored the bullets completely and launched a lightning bolt which caught
Zagyg in the chest.
Alamaturos grinned. "I bet you thought that I'd still be foolish
enough to believe those illusions, right? Nice try, bard, but not good
enough."
The battle from that point on was short and one-sided. Zagyg tried to
parry and counter, but Alamaturos was too quick for him. Zagyg's back was
against the rail. He could retreat no more. He readied himself for one
last thrust, but was caught completely unaware by the flurry of magic
missiles that streaked into his chest. He felt himself falling unconscious
as he fell over the rail into the dark void between worlds.
Skyrunner dove down to the rail. "Zagyg! No! This can't be
happening," he muttered, then flew down after him, into the endless depths
of space as Alamaturos laughed maniacally and steered the spelljammer
towards the unsuspecting planet below...
The Ur-Grue's contemplations were interrupted by the sound of grappling
hooks latching onto stone. He jerked his head up and saw a platoon of
figures in light riot armor clambering over the edge of the cliff. One of
them grabbed a rifle from off his back and pointed it at the Ur-Grue.
"Don't move, you I-Conspirator, or we'll blow your head off."
The Ur-Grue was not impressed. "Gir-uggh!" His spellcasting was
interrupted by gunfire from the lead trooper.
"I warned you," the Visionary trooper said, and nodded to his men.
Each of them aimed their rifles at the shade.
Ur-Grue struggled to reach a natural shadow. If he could only get deep
enough to shift-
He couldn't. No matter how powerful the spirit inside, the body was
only mortal. He was torn to pieces by the hail of gunfire. As his field of
darkness faded, the thing that had once been the Ur-Grue charred and sizzled
in the sunlight until nothing was left but bones of ash.
Grinning, Wyrd cried, "All right!" as she began to dash across the
rooftop. "Now _this_ is serious power. My street cred is going _up._ Either
that, or Informatix is gonna be paying extra for these things.... Nah. I
like 'em. Anyway, they're kinda fun - WHOA!" She stumbled over one of the
guards' guns lying near the edge of the roof and toppled into the air over the
alley.
<Memo to myself. In the future, never run and engage in monologues at
the same time.> She drew herself into a crash position as the ground
approached. <Sure wish I->
Wyrd's thoughts were interrupted by a voice echoing in her head,
channeled far from its natural time and place by retcons, temporal
distortions, and a powerful will.
<(SHE WHO MUST KNOW....WHO`'OD WIN DEMANDS TO SEE WHO SHALL BECOME THE
SAVIOR OF NET.EARTH. WHO SHALL BECOME....
THE RACCELESTIAL MADONNA!)>
<What the...?> Wyrd thought as a powerful urge to comply swept through
her. She never had a chance to, though, as at that moment, her body hit the
concrete below with the sound of snapping bones.
The sound of sirens drifted up an alley inhabited only by a broken body
bleeding from the mouth...
Pack Rat struggled to his feet. Now that he was standing still, the
Marines were closing in fast. He shook his head and began considering the
various weapons at his disposal.
"Plasma gun? No, it's almost out of ammo. Laser? No, I think that a
few circuits came loose. Energy sword? That’s still a bit unreliable.
Megablaster? Didn't I lose that last week?" He pondered his other choices
for a moment, before an idea came to him. "Of course! That temporal transfer
belt I found in that old factory. I'll just jump ahead a few weeks. They'll
have given up the search by then." He grasped the device at his waist while
chuckling, "There's a way out of every situation - as long as I can find it,
and it-aagh!"
Pack Rat had hesitated a moment too long. The first barrage of laser
shots ripped through his armor, and the explosive missiles made sure that
nothing but debris remained on the surface of the airless moon.
Pizza Girl stared on in horror. One moment the Unlikely Aliens were
confronting IMPLO, the next, they never had existed. She stared up at the
huge figure in a mixture of shock and horror.
IMPLO noticed her, and turned to her, raising his hand as he had towards
the Unlikely Aliens.
Naturally, Aili did the only sensible thing considering the
circumstances. She ran. Fast.
IMPLO would have chuckled, if he allowed himself. Instead, he merely
spoke a single sentence.
"Unlikely Aliens is canceled."
THE END?
--
Jeff J McCoskey |M| "Preservatives might be preservin' you all:
DoD# 750A2 |c| I think that's somethin' you mighta missed."
jjmcc at ix.netcom.com |Q| -- Jefferson Airplane
>>your Ad here! low $$, commensurate visibility<<
==========
Next Week: RETCON HOUR Psi!!!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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