LNH: Another LNH Title? Really? #6 -- 'Let's get Pragmatical!'

[Arthur Spitzer]

[Cover:  A gigantic monstrosity pulls superbeings out of a gigantic 
Iron Crown while batting helicopters into skyscrapers.  Pulls-Paper-
Out-of-Hats Lad desperately tries to find a miracle in his own hat.  
Bold text at the bottom of the page: "Introducing ** Only-Does-Good-
Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass (But will probably shorten her name to 
Pragmatic-Reasons Lass for Pragmatic Reasons)!!!! **"


The Looniverse (Classic Flavor) --
The Loonivearth --
The Loonited States of America --
Net.ropolis --
The Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters --
The LNH View Screen Room --
The Pointy Stick in Fearless Leader's Hand
The Time -- Now!  (Unless you're reading it later -- Then Not Now!)

"As you can see," said Fearless Leader pointing his pointy stick at the 
LNH view screen wall, "What we have here is a Super Powered Threat with 
abilities much like yours although instead of pulling papers out of a 
hat, this gigantic being is able to pull other super beings out of his 
crown.  And these super beings all have the ability to pull things out 
of their headwear.  We're calling this being, Pulls-Superpowered-
Beings-Who-Have-the-Power-to-Pull-Stuff-Out-of-Their-Headwear-Out-of-a-
Gigantic Crown Guy."  Fearless Leader paused and took a deep breath.  
Why did he let Kid Always-Gives-Incredibly-Long-Names-to-Super-Villains 
name this guy?
   "Anyways," continued Fearless Leader, "Have you ever encountered 
this villain before?"
   Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad shook his head as he gazed at the 
gigantic being on the screen throwing helicopters at skyscrapers with a 
gigantic crown on his head.  "It's not like I'm in some sort of club 
with these guys.  I mean I dated Pulls-Scissors-Out-of-Her-Beret Lady 
for a bit till she dumped me for Pulls-Rocks-Out-of-his-Derby Man -- 
but that's about it.  This is the first time I've seen this guy."
   "Any ideas on how to stop him?"
   "Well," shrugged Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, "I suppose if his 
abilites are like mine taking away his crown would stop him from using 
his powers.  Of course he's a giant that's swatting helicopters like 
they're flies, so -- I dunno...?"
   Fearless Leader nodded his head.  "Well, you're probably the best 
suited for this mission.  I'm also partnering you up with this new 
recruit by name of Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass."
   "What?  You're teaming me up with some newbie?  Has she even 
appeared in an LNH story before!?  Look -- if you're going to team me 
up with someone -- how about someone like Kid Kirby -- or anyone else 
that can actually go toe to toe with a city destroying monster!"
   "Sorry, all our heavy hitters are already deployed to other crises -
- I'm afraid we're stretched a little thin at the moment, Pulls-Paper-
Out-of-Hats Lad."
   "Look," said a twenty-year old girl wearing a dark blue costume with 
white mathematical equations all over it tapping away on a calculator 
in her palm, "Based on my calculations -- I can probably handle this 
villain by myself.  If Pulls-What's-His-Name wants to tag along -- fine 
-- he can.  But I've got this."
   "Umm," Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad started to say.

***

          A  N  O  T  H  E  R    L  N  H    T  I  T  L  E  ?

                     R  E  A  L  L  Y  ?     #  6



                         'Let's get Pragmatical!'


***

"Okay," said Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad leaning back in the passenger 
seat of the Flight.Thingee.  "What exactly are your super powers if you 
don't mind me asking?"
   Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass focused her gaze on 
the Flight.Thingees windshield as she gripped the flight controls 
tightly.  "I have to power to convince people the most pragmatic course 
of action assuming they're reasonable enough to bother and listen to 
me."
   "That -- that's not a super power.  That's -- oh Jesus, this is how 
I'm going to die.  This is the day I die!  Oh, god."

***

Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad looked with horror at the giant monster 
pulling out supervillains out of a massive iron crown.  And then fished 
around his top hat.  "Okay.  A list of good ideas to stop this 
thing..."  He looked at the list.  "Okay, let's see here.  Number One -
- Team up with the Ultimate Ninja.  Number Two -- Team up with Kid 
Kirby.."  He looked at the rest of the list with a scowl on his face 
and then crumpled it up.  And then he looked back up.  "Oh, God."

"Ah, the LNH," said Pulls-Superpowered-Beings-Who-Have-the-Power-to -
Pull-Stuff-Out-of-Their-Headwear-Out-of-a-Gigantic Crown Guy (But let's 
just call him Gigantic Crown Guy from this point on, okay?) with a 
sneer on his face as he glanced down to the street.  "Here to stop me, 
eh?  Don't bother.  There is no way.  My superpowered beings who have 
the power to pull stuff out of their headwear will engulf the world.  
And you will all kneel.  Yes!  You will all kneel down to your new 
OverLord and Master of All!  Yes!!  Mwuhahahahhahahahhahah!!!!!"  He 
fished out a couple more superbeings from his iron crown and threw them 
into the sky.

Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad madly fished through his top hat hoping to 
find some or any paper Deus ex Machina that could stop this thing.  
"Look, umm Pragmatic-Reasons Lass, use your comm.thingee to get some 
back up.  There's no way we can possibly.. umm..." Pulls-Paper-Out-of-
Hats Lad turned his head around.  Where was she?  Where did she -- and 
then he saw where she was.  She was walking right up to the 
monstrosity's foot and shining a beam at its head from that fancy 
calculator she had in her hand.

"Okay.  Yeah, we can kneel down if you want -- but this plan of yours?  
Not very realistic," said Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons 
Lass showing Gigantic Crown Guy her calculator.  "Look.  Of course the 
two of us aren't a match for you, but do you really think you can take 
on the entire LNH and all the other super powered beings that will try 
to stop you?  Really?"

"Child, you know not of the power I wield!" Gigantic Crown Guy raised 
his hands toward the sky.

"That's true.  Maybe you do have the power to crush everyone that 
opposes you.  Maybe.  But even so -- Okay, you're King of the World?  
Don't you realize what a hassle that's going to be?"

"Hmm?" said Gigantic Crown Guy with a puzzled look on his face.

"Yeah.  After you've taken over -- you're still going to have to 
constantly fight and battle all these rebels and so on that just refuse 
to kneel down to you.  And it's just going to go on and on.  You won't 
be able to trust anyone -- they'll all be potential assassins just 
waiting for that one moment of weakness you have so that they can end 
you once and for all.  You're always going to have to keep one eye open 
when you sleep.  And when you're awake you're going to have to deal 
with all these people that really hate and blame you for their lives 
sucking.  Yeah.  And they're going to say mean things about you behind 
your back.  Really mean things.  And did I mention the ulcer you're 
going to get?  It's going to be one massive ulcer till the end of time.  
Uhuh."

"Ulcer?  I don't want to have a massive ulcer," said Gigantic Crown Guy 
with an upset expression on his face.

"I don't blame you.  But that's what's going to happen.  No.  You don't 
want to do this.  You should do what I did.  Become a member of the 
LNH."

"Hey, wait a..." said Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad not liking where this 
was going.

"Member of the LNH?" said Gigantic Crown Guy stroking his chin.

"Yeah.  Look.  I'm like you.  I don't care about saving the world or 
whatever.  Honestly, I don't really care if most of the people in the 
world live or die," said Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons 
Lass with a slight shrug.  "I'm an LNH'r for the paycheck and the 
benefits.  And because it's a more pragmatic choice than becoming a 
villain or world conqueror.  I mean, really, if being like a serial 
killer or voting for Donald Trump was more pragmatic I'd totally do 
those things.  But, sadly, they're not.  They're just very bad life 
choices.

"I mean look here," she said tapping some more numbers into her 
calculator and beaming the numbers at Gigantic Crown Guy.  "Here's what 
you'd make from a life time being a member of the LNH vs a life time as 
a criminal.  It's pretty glaring obvious which ones better -- isn't 
it?"

"Yeah.  Wow," said Gigantic Crown Guy studying the numbers.  "But I 
think I killed some people today.  Like those people in that helicopter 
that I swatted into that skyscraper.  I mean would that hurt my 
chances?"

"Relax.  We've got tons of murderers in the LNH.  I don't think there 
are any rules that prevent murderers from being LNH members.  And 
regardless, we've got plenty of people with retcon abilities that can 
totally retcon away any killing you've done today.  Look -- the LNH has 
this really amazing legal department that will make sure that you don't 
do a single second of jail time for any of what happened today.  Not a 
single second."

Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad was frozen with an incredibly appalled 
expression on his speechless face.

"Cool!" said Gigantic Crown Guy.  "Will I have to work mornings?  I'm 
not really a morning person."

"You can set your own schedule that works for you.  Believe me the LNH 
would love to have a person of your talents and abilities working for 
them.  Let's get all those superbeings you released back into your Iron 
Crown and I can give you the number to the LNH Legal Department and 
Retcon Department so we start to fast track your path to being an LNH 
member?  Kay?"

"Oh, right."  Gigantic Crown Guy grabbed all the superbeings he could 
find and crammed them back into his iron crown.  "I just want to thank 
you for this.  For saving me from what could have been my biggest 
mistake.  I didn't really want to be ruler of the world.  I just wanted 
a steady paycheck.  That's all I really wanted.  Just a steady 
paycheck."  

Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass nodded.  "That's all 
any of us really want."

And Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass shined the LNH 
Legal Department's number into his face. He scribbled it down.  And 
there was a moment of silence.  "Well, guess I should go.  Bye!"

"Good luck!" Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass said 
waving back.

Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad looked as Gigantic Crown Guy walked away.  
There was a dumbfounded look on his face.  And then he looked at Only-
Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass.  "Well, umm -- Guess that 
all worked out.  But you know next time -- umm -- maybe you should not 
-- umm..."

"Hmm?  You're still here?  Really?" she said still not bothering to 
lift her gaze from her calculator.

****

Credits:

Fearless Leader -- Dave Van Domelen
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, Pulls-Superpowered-Beings-Who-Have-the-
Power-to-Pull-Stuff-Out-of-Their-Headwear-Out-of-a-Gigantic Crown Guy, 
Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass, Kid Always-Gives-
Incredibly-Long-Names-to-Super-Villains, Pulls-Scissors-Out-of-Her-
Beret Lady, Pulls-Rocks-Out-of-his-Derby Man -- Mine

Writer's Notes:

This was my first attempt at writing a story for Drew Perron's monthly 
LNH Comics Present thing, but it turned out to be way to long for that.

Pragmatic-Reasons Lass and Gigantic Crown Guy (let's assume that's 
their names from now on) are Free For Use if you want to do something 
with them.

Pragmatic-Reasons Lass is what I'd think if you were a really smart 
villain in the Looniverse you would do -- since you can't beat the LNH, 
you might as well join them and collect a nice paycheck.

Arthur "Pulling stories out of his.." Spitzer

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