LNH: Another LNH Title? Really? #6 -- 'Let's get Pragmatical!'
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Fri Apr 29 11:13:24 PDT 2016
[Cover: A gigantic monstrosity pulls superbeings out of a gigantic
Iron Crown while batting helicopters into skyscrapers. Pulls-Paper-
Out-of-Hats Lad desperately tries to find a miracle in his own hat.
Bold text at the bottom of the page: "Introducing ** Only-Does-Good-
Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass (But will probably shorten her name to
Pragmatic-Reasons Lass for Pragmatic Reasons)!!!! **"
The Looniverse (Classic Flavor) --
The Loonivearth --
The Loonited States of America --
The Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters --
The LNH View Screen Room --
The Pointy Stick in Fearless Leader's Hand
The Time -- Now! (Unless you're reading it later -- Then Not Now!)
"As you can see," said Fearless Leader pointing his pointy stick at the
LNH view screen wall, "What we have here is a Super Powered Threat with
abilities much like yours although instead of pulling papers out of a
hat, this gigantic being is able to pull other super beings out of his
crown. And these super beings all have the ability to pull things out
of their headwear. We're calling this being, Pulls-Superpowered-
Gigantic Crown Guy." Fearless Leader paused and took a deep breath.
Why did he let Kid Always-Gives-Incredibly-Long-Names-to-Super-Villains
name this guy?
"Anyways," continued Fearless Leader, "Have you ever encountered
this villain before?"
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad shook his head as he gazed at the
gigantic being on the screen throwing helicopters at skyscrapers with a
gigantic crown on his head. "It's not like I'm in some sort of club
with these guys. I mean I dated Pulls-Scissors-Out-of-Her-Beret Lady
for a bit till she dumped me for Pulls-Rocks-Out-of-his-Derby Man --
but that's about it. This is the first time I've seen this guy."
"Any ideas on how to stop him?"
"Well," shrugged Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, "I suppose if his
abilites are like mine taking away his crown would stop him from using
his powers. Of course he's a giant that's swatting helicopters like
they're flies, so -- I dunno...?"
Fearless Leader nodded his head. "Well, you're probably the best
suited for this mission. I'm also partnering you up with this new
recruit by name of Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass."
"What? You're teaming me up with some newbie? Has she even
appeared in an LNH story before!? Look -- if you're going to team me
up with someone -- how about someone like Kid Kirby -- or anyone else
that can actually go toe to toe with a city destroying monster!"
"Sorry, all our heavy hitters are already deployed to other crises -
- I'm afraid we're stretched a little thin at the moment, Pulls-Paper-
"Look," said a twenty-year old girl wearing a dark blue costume with
white mathematical equations all over it tapping away on a calculator
in her palm, "Based on my calculations -- I can probably handle this
villain by myself. If Pulls-What's-His-Name wants to tag along -- fine
-- he can. But I've got this."
"Umm," Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad started to say.
A N O T H E R L N H T I T L E ?
R E A L L Y ? # 6
'Let's get Pragmatical!'
"Okay," said Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad leaning back in the passenger
seat of the Flight.Thingee. "What exactly are your super powers if you
don't mind me asking?"
Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass focused her gaze on
the Flight.Thingees windshield as she gripped the flight controls
tightly. "I have to power to convince people the most pragmatic course
of action assuming they're reasonable enough to bother and listen to
"That -- that's not a super power. That's -- oh Jesus, this is how
I'm going to die. This is the day I die! Oh, god."
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad looked with horror at the giant monster
pulling out supervillains out of a massive iron crown. And then fished
around his top hat. "Okay. A list of good ideas to stop this
thing..." He looked at the list. "Okay, let's see here. Number One -
- Team up with the Ultimate Ninja. Number Two -- Team up with Kid
Kirby.." He looked at the rest of the list with a scowl on his face
and then crumpled it up. And then he looked back up. "Oh, God."
"Ah, the LNH," said Pulls-Superpowered-Beings-Who-Have-the-Power-to -
Pull-Stuff-Out-of-Their-Headwear-Out-of-a-Gigantic Crown Guy (But let's
just call him Gigantic Crown Guy from this point on, okay?) with a
sneer on his face as he glanced down to the street. "Here to stop me,
eh? Don't bother. There is no way. My superpowered beings who have
the power to pull stuff out of their headwear will engulf the world.
And you will all kneel. Yes! You will all kneel down to your new
OverLord and Master of All! Yes!! Mwuhahahahhahahahhahah!!!!!" He
fished out a couple more superbeings from his iron crown and threw them
into the sky.
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad madly fished through his top hat hoping to
find some or any paper Deus ex Machina that could stop this thing.
"Look, umm Pragmatic-Reasons Lass, use your comm.thingee to get some
back up. There's no way we can possibly.. umm..." Pulls-Paper-Out-of-
Hats Lad turned his head around. Where was she? Where did she -- and
then he saw where she was. She was walking right up to the
monstrosity's foot and shining a beam at its head from that fancy
calculator she had in her hand.
"Okay. Yeah, we can kneel down if you want -- but this plan of yours?
Not very realistic," said Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons
Lass showing Gigantic Crown Guy her calculator. "Look. Of course the
two of us aren't a match for you, but do you really think you can take
on the entire LNH and all the other super powered beings that will try
to stop you? Really?"
"Child, you know not of the power I wield!" Gigantic Crown Guy raised
his hands toward the sky.
"That's true. Maybe you do have the power to crush everyone that
opposes you. Maybe. But even so -- Okay, you're King of the World?
Don't you realize what a hassle that's going to be?"
"Hmm?" said Gigantic Crown Guy with a puzzled look on his face.
"Yeah. After you've taken over -- you're still going to have to
constantly fight and battle all these rebels and so on that just refuse
to kneel down to you. And it's just going to go on and on. You won't
be able to trust anyone -- they'll all be potential assassins just
waiting for that one moment of weakness you have so that they can end
you once and for all. You're always going to have to keep one eye open
when you sleep. And when you're awake you're going to have to deal
with all these people that really hate and blame you for their lives
sucking. Yeah. And they're going to say mean things about you behind
your back. Really mean things. And did I mention the ulcer you're
going to get? It's going to be one massive ulcer till the end of time.
"Ulcer? I don't want to have a massive ulcer," said Gigantic Crown Guy
with an upset expression on his face.
"I don't blame you. But that's what's going to happen. No. You don't
want to do this. You should do what I did. Become a member of the
"Hey, wait a..." said Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad not liking where this
"Member of the LNH?" said Gigantic Crown Guy stroking his chin.
"Yeah. Look. I'm like you. I don't care about saving the world or
whatever. Honestly, I don't really care if most of the people in the
world live or die," said Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons
Lass with a slight shrug. "I'm an LNH'r for the paycheck and the
benefits. And because it's a more pragmatic choice than becoming a
villain or world conqueror. I mean, really, if being like a serial
killer or voting for Donald Trump was more pragmatic I'd totally do
those things. But, sadly, they're not. They're just very bad life
"I mean look here," she said tapping some more numbers into her
calculator and beaming the numbers at Gigantic Crown Guy. "Here's what
you'd make from a life time being a member of the LNH vs a life time as
a criminal. It's pretty glaring obvious which ones better -- isn't
"Yeah. Wow," said Gigantic Crown Guy studying the numbers. "But I
think I killed some people today. Like those people in that helicopter
that I swatted into that skyscraper. I mean would that hurt my
"Relax. We've got tons of murderers in the LNH. I don't think there
are any rules that prevent murderers from being LNH members. And
regardless, we've got plenty of people with retcon abilities that can
totally retcon away any killing you've done today. Look -- the LNH has
this really amazing legal department that will make sure that you don't
do a single second of jail time for any of what happened today. Not a
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad was frozen with an incredibly appalled
expression on his speechless face.
"Cool!" said Gigantic Crown Guy. "Will I have to work mornings? I'm
not really a morning person."
"You can set your own schedule that works for you. Believe me the LNH
would love to have a person of your talents and abilities working for
them. Let's get all those superbeings you released back into your Iron
Crown and I can give you the number to the LNH Legal Department and
Retcon Department so we start to fast track your path to being an LNH
"Oh, right." Gigantic Crown Guy grabbed all the superbeings he could
find and crammed them back into his iron crown. "I just want to thank
you for this. For saving me from what could have been my biggest
mistake. I didn't really want to be ruler of the world. I just wanted
a steady paycheck. That's all I really wanted. Just a steady
Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass nodded. "That's all
any of us really want."
And Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass shined the LNH
Legal Department's number into his face. He scribbled it down. And
there was a moment of silence. "Well, guess I should go. Bye!"
"Good luck!" Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass said
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad looked as Gigantic Crown Guy walked away.
There was a dumbfounded look on his face. And then he looked at Only-
Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass. "Well, umm -- Guess that
all worked out. But you know next time -- umm -- maybe you should not
"Hmm? You're still here? Really?" she said still not bothering to
lift her gaze from her calculator.
Fearless Leader -- Dave Van Domelen
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, Pulls-Superpowered-Beings-Who-Have-the-
Power-to-Pull-Stuff-Out-of-Their-Headwear-Out-of-a-Gigantic Crown Guy,
Only-Does-Good-Deeds-For-Pragmatic-Reasons Lass, Kid Always-Gives-
Beret Lady, Pulls-Rocks-Out-of-his-Derby Man -- Mine
This was my first attempt at writing a story for Drew Perron's monthly
LNH Comics Present thing, but it turned out to be way to long for that.
Pragmatic-Reasons Lass and Gigantic Crown Guy (let's assume that's
their names from now on) are Free For Use if you want to do something
Pragmatic-Reasons Lass is what I'd think if you were a really smart
villain in the Looniverse you would do -- since you can't beat the LNH,
you might as well join them and collect a nice paycheck.
Arthur "Pulling stories out of his.." Spitzer
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