LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #15: The Omaha Project Part Two

[Drew Perron]

On 4/26/2016 10:07 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> David R Henry writes Chapter Five.  David didn't scribe that many
> stories for the LNH, but the ones he did were pretty
> amazing.  His most memorable one was the Particle Man Annual
>
> https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Particle.Man/Particle.Man.Annual.01.gz
>
> which was the first appearance of Boy Lad (retroactively the first
> LNH'r from the Golden Age).

Ah, that's right! :D

> Chapter Six, is probably something you shouldn't read as it's
> by my younger self and probably the worst thing I ever wrote
> for the LNH.  I mean I was in high school and I think I typed
> it up in 45 minutes or so.  It's not great.

Awwwww. :D *reads it hardcore*

>      There was a gas station at the crossroads, and the car was pullling
> up into it when Fading Dan lowered his binoculars and motioned to the
> scarecrow.

Fading Dan! Another member of the Intangible Legion! :D

>      The scarecrow nodded in the wind. Dan liked working with agreeable
> partners.

Heeheehee. <3

>      Dan walked right up to the screen door and let himself in.  The sum
> total of people who willingly drive Pintos that one has to worry about
> could maybe be expressed as a rational number if you had a decent
> imagination and a few hours to kill on a large processor.

I don't actually quite get what that means. XD Other than, presumably, "there 
aren't many of them".

>      "Some of us don't live in goddamn Coke machines."  There was the sound
> of a shotgun making up its mind.
>      Fading Dan broke out into a smile.  "John Roe, how are you!"  And then
> they hugged.

Awwwwwwwww. :D Adorable!

>      Being the only holy book which includes instructions to kill any
> priests who use it often leaves the Book of Phil in the same company with
> theologists as How to See the Falklands on a Dollar A Day leaves travel
> agents.  Sure, it's interesting, but once you've got it, what do you do
> with it?
>      Of course, the Book of Phil is also the only holy book to include
> complete instructions on cross-stitching your own heraldic banner.  It's
> for reasons like these that practical people still read it.

Okay. XD I'm not sure what to do with this section of story! <3

>      They were talking like old friends, which they weren't, and acting
> like two old companions who hadn't seen each other in years, which they
> were.

Fascinating. :D DRH was really good at characterization.

>      Dan smiled.  "Well, it's not like I had a lot of choice."  That was a
> lie.  Fading Dan always had a choice. He followed the rules, and by doing
> so gained all the choices he could ever want.

Like look at this stuff.

>      Richard Roe was the real name of Never-Heard-of-Before Boy, one of
> the Intangible Legion.  John had been a member back when Boy Lad was still
> around.  He still was, actually.  The reason he was all the way out here
> in Net.braska was because of his powers.  He was Haven't-Seen-You-In-A-
> Long-Time Lad.

AH. Very very nice. :D

>      Dan looked at Roe.  The best sign of their differences was that he
> was able to lie this much to him and not feel a thing about it.  He
> wondered how Roe thought about that.
>      The window was suddenly much more interesting to look at.

Ah, man, you're killin' me.

>      "We're the Intangibles, dammit..."
>      "...and we know what's good for the rest of you.

Oh snap. :D Moral ambiguity! This is gr--

>      Plunging halfway through the windshield, its face a gleeful mask of
> destruction, the scarecrow had wrapped its hands around the driver's
> throat.  Lollypops dropped out of his pocket one by one, and rolled along
> the ground, leaving a twisting trail of blood behind them.

WELL THEN. @.@ That's... a little trying-hard-to-shock. XD Appropriate for the 
era, I suppose, but... ah well. Still good.

> For a brief minute he thought about leaving, maybe becoming a super hero
> called Nervous Middle-Aged Man Boy... no he thought ...this orgin would
> just be to stupid.

Ahhhhh, I can see the difference - modern-day Arthur wouldn't worry about that. <3

> The room was filled with exotic plants, pictures,
> plush carpeting and furniture.  It was the kind of room that you wonder
> what would happen to you if you had this big pitcher of grape juice and
> you ...Well anyways

Oh man I know right. :D

>      "No needs for sir son...you can call me by my first name son...
> Mister Paprika."

Ah! :D That's right.

>      "Didn't you know...New Coke was my idea...and because people were
> stupid those morons at Coca-Cola company fired me ...when they should have
> made me President..those fools ...

...this makes me wonder what Mr. Paprika actually tastes like.

> do you see that picture up there??", he
> says pointing towards a picture of a sock with a sort of halo around it.
> "That is Wondersock.  Probably the most brilliant invention ever invented
> and it was mine...and you know what out of the hundred thousand or so that
> were manufactured ONLY 10 AND A HALF SOLD!!!"
>      "Well..uh.." NM said taking out and arming himself with one of his
> pencils just in case.
>      "Of course it was all the advertisers fault on that one...they bought
> advertising space on some flea-bitten publication called JONG..those
> advertisers got theirs though *evil hysterical laughter* and once my plans
> get rolling JONG will get its just deservers too *more ehv (evil
> hysterical laughter)*"

Oh shit-- the advertising industry and the JONG company stopped an invasion of 
Wondersocks in 1994? I should give them more credit.

>      "And that is why I need to continue the work with the power source
> to create my greatest invention... Ultimate Mister Paprika..."

DUN DUN DUNNN

>      The NM lets our another gasp.  "I finally get it now I never really
> understood at first why a soft drink manufacturer would need thousands of
> super human trained assassins, ninjas and other mercenaries on the payroll
> or enough tanks and military equipment enough to take over a medium sized
> nation and placing them all in Net.braska...but now it finally hits me...
> He who controls the brand soft drink of a man controls that man...He who
> controls the brand soft drink of the universe...Controls the universe..My
> god this isn't just some simple product revamp..this is a plot for a
> takeover of the Looniverse!!!"

Heeheehee. :D Arthur, your ideas were always very strong.

>      "They are just pawns of the writers..."
>      "Who?"
>      "The one's who write the stories...like one of my minions is doing
> right now.  Writers can be bought off fairly easy and cheaply."
>      "You own a writer??" the NM said dumbfounded.
>      "Of course...in fact more than one..several in fact..In fact I
> estimate in a couple or so weeks I will have acquired all of the
> alt.comics.lnh authors and characters, you see I've had this special
> place in my heart for the LNH.

It's interesting - this starts in a really wacky place but you can tell that 
Arthur's later, grander ideas about characters transcending writers are already 
developing.

>      "Oh I'm just suffering from that James Bond villain disease I guess
> ...anyways this has been a nice chat..now move along..I need to make a
> phone call and I have a lot of ranting and raving to catch up on..
> Hopefully I have convinced you of my cause..."

Oh, well, it's nice that he didn't kill--

> "Is this the LNHHQ, it is..good I
> need to speak to someone..this is an emergency..."  The NM life however is
> cut short as a giant piano flattens him to the ground (Yeah I know it's a
> cliched death).

Ah. XD

>      Phil released his seatbelt and turned around in his seat to face Sam.
> "And what if I get a girl before you?" he asked.
>      "Then we won't have to worry, 'cause it'll mean the world's ended,"
> Doug quipped.  "Now turn around and fasten your seatbelt.  I don't wanna
> get pulled over again."  Phil reluctantly sat back down.  "Now let's get
> some tunage."
>      Phil reached for the radio when Bill leaned forward.  "I got my
> harmonica," he offered.
>      "No!" the others shouted in unison, and Sam yanked Bill back into the
> back seat.

This is pretty cute. <3

>      "Get Doug's AB/CD tape out of the glove compartment," he told Bill.
> Bill started to get it when a giant shadow fell across the Pinto.

Honestly, I didn't even realize they still made Pintos at this point.

>      Bill casually stepped out of the car to stretch his legs and noticed
> that the boy had a harmonica.  He took his own from his pocket and played
> a few notes.  Suddenly, he was pushed aside by Sam, who rushed past him
> and around the corner of the building. Bill glanced at the boy, who played
> a few notes of his own.  Bill played a few more, and the boy played a few
> more.  Then the two began to play at the same time, and Phil watched in
> amusement.

Awwwww~

>      "Harmonica duels're to the death," the man laughed.

*snerkgiggle*

>      Doug rolled over and opened his eyes to find himself face-to-face
> with a very grizzled old woman.  "Ah!" he screamed.  "Please don't kill
> me!"
>      The woman just laughed.  "We ain't never killed anybody in this
> town."
>      "Then what am I doing here?" Doug asked.  "Where're the others?"
>      "They gave us the car," she answered.  "Guess they forgot 'bout ya."
>      "Figures," Doug sighed.
>
>                   -=-=-=-=-                 -=-=-=-=-
>
>      Doug sat back in the hot tub as the young woman across from him
> rubbed his feet.  "Oh, that's good," he giggled.
>      Just then, an old couple in oversized ski gear came out onto the
> deck.  "Hello, Doug, Gina," the old man said.
>      "Grandaddy!" Gina cooed.  "Have fun on the slopes?"
>      "We had a great time," he told her.  "Doug, you need to get some
> smaller friends."

Wait, I'm a little confused as to what actually happened here. XD There's *some* 
kind of subversion of the expected Deliverance narrative... ah well.

Drew "deliver me from stereotypes" Perron