LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #15: The Omaha Project Part Two
pwerdna at gmail.com
Fri Apr 29 08:04:11 PDT 2016
On 4/26/2016 10:07 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> David R Henry writes Chapter Five. David didn't scribe that many
> stories for the LNH, but the ones he did were pretty
> amazing. His most memorable one was the Particle Man Annual
> which was the first appearance of Boy Lad (retroactively the first
> LNH'r from the Golden Age).
Ah, that's right! :D
> Chapter Six, is probably something you shouldn't read as it's
> by my younger self and probably the worst thing I ever wrote
> for the LNH. I mean I was in high school and I think I typed
> it up in 45 minutes or so. It's not great.
Awwwww. :D *reads it hardcore*
> There was a gas station at the crossroads, and the car was pullling
> up into it when Fading Dan lowered his binoculars and motioned to the
Fading Dan! Another member of the Intangible Legion! :D
> The scarecrow nodded in the wind. Dan liked working with agreeable
> Dan walked right up to the screen door and let himself in. The sum
> total of people who willingly drive Pintos that one has to worry about
> could maybe be expressed as a rational number if you had a decent
> imagination and a few hours to kill on a large processor.
I don't actually quite get what that means. XD Other than, presumably, "there
aren't many of them".
> "Some of us don't live in goddamn Coke machines." There was the sound
> of a shotgun making up its mind.
> Fading Dan broke out into a smile. "John Roe, how are you!" And then
> they hugged.
Awwwwwwwww. :D Adorable!
> Being the only holy book which includes instructions to kill any
> priests who use it often leaves the Book of Phil in the same company with
> theologists as How to See the Falklands on a Dollar A Day leaves travel
> agents. Sure, it's interesting, but once you've got it, what do you do
> with it?
> Of course, the Book of Phil is also the only holy book to include
> complete instructions on cross-stitching your own heraldic banner. It's
> for reasons like these that practical people still read it.
Okay. XD I'm not sure what to do with this section of story! <3
> They were talking like old friends, which they weren't, and acting
> like two old companions who hadn't seen each other in years, which they
Fascinating. :D DRH was really good at characterization.
> Dan smiled. "Well, it's not like I had a lot of choice." That was a
> lie. Fading Dan always had a choice. He followed the rules, and by doing
> so gained all the choices he could ever want.
Like look at this stuff.
> Richard Roe was the real name of Never-Heard-of-Before Boy, one of
> the Intangible Legion. John had been a member back when Boy Lad was still
> around. He still was, actually. The reason he was all the way out here
> in Net.braska was because of his powers. He was Haven't-Seen-You-In-A-
> Long-Time Lad.
AH. Very very nice. :D
> Dan looked at Roe. The best sign of their differences was that he
> was able to lie this much to him and not feel a thing about it. He
> wondered how Roe thought about that.
> The window was suddenly much more interesting to look at.
Ah, man, you're killin' me.
> "We're the Intangibles, dammit..."
> "...and we know what's good for the rest of you.
Oh snap. :D Moral ambiguity! This is gr--
> Plunging halfway through the windshield, its face a gleeful mask of
> destruction, the scarecrow had wrapped its hands around the driver's
> throat. Lollypops dropped out of his pocket one by one, and rolled along
> the ground, leaving a twisting trail of blood behind them.
WELL THEN. @.@ That's... a little trying-hard-to-shock. XD Appropriate for the
era, I suppose, but... ah well. Still good.
> For a brief minute he thought about leaving, maybe becoming a super hero
> called Nervous Middle-Aged Man Boy... no he thought ...this orgin would
> just be to stupid.
Ahhhhh, I can see the difference - modern-day Arthur wouldn't worry about that. <3
> The room was filled with exotic plants, pictures,
> plush carpeting and furniture. It was the kind of room that you wonder
> what would happen to you if you had this big pitcher of grape juice and
> you ...Well anyways
Oh man I know right. :D
> "No needs for sir son...you can call me by my first name son...
> Mister Paprika."
Ah! :D That's right.
> "Didn't you know...New Coke was my idea...and because people were
> stupid those morons at Coca-Cola company fired me ...when they should have
> made me President..those fools ...
...this makes me wonder what Mr. Paprika actually tastes like.
> do you see that picture up there??", he
> says pointing towards a picture of a sock with a sort of halo around it.
> "That is Wondersock. Probably the most brilliant invention ever invented
> and it was mine...and you know what out of the hundred thousand or so that
> were manufactured ONLY 10 AND A HALF SOLD!!!"
> "Well..uh.." NM said taking out and arming himself with one of his
> pencils just in case.
> "Of course it was all the advertisers fault on that one...they bought
> advertising space on some flea-bitten publication called JONG..those
> advertisers got theirs though *evil hysterical laughter* and once my plans
> get rolling JONG will get its just deservers too *more ehv (evil
> hysterical laughter)*"
Oh shit-- the advertising industry and the JONG company stopped an invasion of
Wondersocks in 1994? I should give them more credit.
> "And that is why I need to continue the work with the power source
> to create my greatest invention... Ultimate Mister Paprika..."
DUN DUN DUNNN
> The NM lets our another gasp. "I finally get it now I never really
> understood at first why a soft drink manufacturer would need thousands of
> super human trained assassins, ninjas and other mercenaries on the payroll
> or enough tanks and military equipment enough to take over a medium sized
> nation and placing them all in Net.braska...but now it finally hits me...
> He who controls the brand soft drink of a man controls that man...He who
> controls the brand soft drink of the universe...Controls the universe..My
> god this isn't just some simple product revamp..this is a plot for a
> takeover of the Looniverse!!!"
Heeheehee. :D Arthur, your ideas were always very strong.
> "They are just pawns of the writers..."
> "The one's who write the stories...like one of my minions is doing
> right now. Writers can be bought off fairly easy and cheaply."
> "You own a writer??" the NM said dumbfounded.
> "Of course...in fact more than one..several in fact..In fact I
> estimate in a couple or so weeks I will have acquired all of the
> alt.comics.lnh authors and characters, you see I've had this special
> place in my heart for the LNH.
It's interesting - this starts in a really wacky place but you can tell that
Arthur's later, grander ideas about characters transcending writers are already
> "Oh I'm just suffering from that James Bond villain disease I guess
> ...anyways this has been a nice chat..now move along..I need to make a
> phone call and I have a lot of ranting and raving to catch up on..
> Hopefully I have convinced you of my cause..."
Oh, well, it's nice that he didn't kill--
> "Is this the LNHHQ, it is..good I
> need to speak to someone..this is an emergency..." The NM life however is
> cut short as a giant piano flattens him to the ground (Yeah I know it's a
> cliched death).
> Phil released his seatbelt and turned around in his seat to face Sam.
> "And what if I get a girl before you?" he asked.
> "Then we won't have to worry, 'cause it'll mean the world's ended,"
> Doug quipped. "Now turn around and fasten your seatbelt. I don't wanna
> get pulled over again." Phil reluctantly sat back down. "Now let's get
> some tunage."
> Phil reached for the radio when Bill leaned forward. "I got my
> harmonica," he offered.
> "No!" the others shouted in unison, and Sam yanked Bill back into the
> back seat.
This is pretty cute. <3
> "Get Doug's AB/CD tape out of the glove compartment," he told Bill.
> Bill started to get it when a giant shadow fell across the Pinto.
Honestly, I didn't even realize they still made Pintos at this point.
> Bill casually stepped out of the car to stretch his legs and noticed
> that the boy had a harmonica. He took his own from his pocket and played
> a few notes. Suddenly, he was pushed aside by Sam, who rushed past him
> and around the corner of the building. Bill glanced at the boy, who played
> a few notes of his own. Bill played a few more, and the boy played a few
> more. Then the two began to play at the same time, and Phil watched in
> "Harmonica duels're to the death," the man laughed.
> Doug rolled over and opened his eyes to find himself face-to-face
> with a very grizzled old woman. "Ah!" he screamed. "Please don't kill
> The woman just laughed. "We ain't never killed anybody in this
> "Then what am I doing here?" Doug asked. "Where're the others?"
> "They gave us the car," she answered. "Guess they forgot 'bout ya."
> "Figures," Doug sighed.
> -=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-
> Doug sat back in the hot tub as the young woman across from him
> rubbed his feet. "Oh, that's good," he giggled.
> Just then, an old couple in oversized ski gear came out onto the
> deck. "Hello, Doug, Gina," the old man said.
> "Grandaddy!" Gina cooed. "Have fun on the slopes?"
> "We had a great time," he told her. "Doug, you need to get some
> smaller friends."
Wait, I'm a little confused as to what actually happened here. XD There's *some*
kind of subversion of the expected Deliverance narrative... ah well.
Drew "deliver me from stereotypes" Perron
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