LNH/LUNA: WikiLull: chapter the 12th: Know what we need? Even MORE characters!

[Adrian McClure]

On Wed, Apr 20, 2016 at 1:26 PM, Drew Perron <pwerdna at gmail.com> wrote:
> "AHA!" Everyone turned as WikiCide held the coat high in the air. From within its rumples and well-worn creases, darkness swelled, and the eerie high screech of ripping reality shivered through the air. "Now, with the eldritch power of the Last Trenchcoat, I can combine the Worlds' Addresses harvested from Google Groups with the robots.txt of the LNH Wiki - AND BEGIN A NEW ROBOT INVASION!"
>
> Drew "this was inspired by a suggestion from Lalo" Perron

====*MEANWHILE IN THE LNHQ...*====

"Wow," said WikiBoy, "this looks pretty bad." The lobby was in a
constant state of explosion and unexplosion.

"It's really loud in here," said Token Girl, squeezing her palms over
her ears. "And I thought watching the Michael Bay Smurfs movie was
bad..."

"WikiBoy, can you generate a quantum stabilizer field?" said Merissa.

"...if you say so?" he said.

"OK." She snapped her fingers. "Bam!"

A green field of energy shot out of the WikiKoma's back, so now the
explosions had stopped and lobby was only sort of on fire.

"OK," said Merissa, "we just gotta go to the control room and I'll
save us with our l33t cyberhacker skills!" (She pronounced it
"el-three-three-tea.") Probably there's gonna be spacetime distortions
and stuff but--"

"HALT!" A young Tibetan sorcerer of ambiguous gender presentation,
wearing orange robes that were kind of trenchoat-y, appeared in a
dramatic poof of dark smoke.

"Oh yay, the first fight!" said Merissa. "You seem pretty cool, but
not that cool, so I guess you're just the first boss. Hope this'll be
over quickly!"

"Merissa, hold on," said Token Girl. "I love a good fight as much as
anybody but we should save the fighting for when it matters. We don't
know they're our enemy--"

"But I am!" the mysterious sorcerer (sorcerex?) said. "Scarlett
Johannson, you will stop this at once! This indignity will not stand!"

"Wha?" said Merissa. "I'm not Scarlett Johannson! If I were there'd be
a Black Widow movie already! And Ike Perlmutter would be shot into
space! And we'd have the rights to the Fantastic Four and we could all
be in Secret Kingdom Heart Wars III: Infinity Inferno of Vengeance and
we could team up with all the Disney heroes and the Star Wars heroes
to fight the Nobody of Darth Beyonder and I could save the day by
fusing my Gun-Keyblade with the Infinity Gauntlet!" Everyone in the
room fell silent imagining what that would be like and almost keeled
over.

"What, isn't that cool?" said Merissa.

"It's an abomination!" said the mysterious sorcerex. "But not as much
as your playing Major Kusanagi! I've come to put a stop to that before
it's too late!"

"Huh?" said Merissa. "I'm not playing her in a movie, I'm just
dressing up as her because she's cool!"

"You can't lie to me, Johannsen!" She raised her hands into a fighting
stance, crackling with arcane energy.

"OK, you are kind of cool I guess, but I'll still stop you!" said Merissa.

"Wait a minute," said WikiBoy. "Um... could you maybe... um... explain
why you want to blow us up? And maybe tell us who you are?"

"Very well then. I am the apprentice of Occultism Kid. Some call me
Kid Occultism Kid, but you shall know me as the Not Yet Ancient One!
Once I was one of the world's most famous Youtube lets players,
concerned only with fame, money, and getting more subscribers. But
then I fell prey to carpal tunnel syndrome and all my videos were lost
to a copyright takedown! And so I sought to learn the ways of magic to
heal myself and win copyright lawsuits and destroy the dreaded
Takedown Bots. In the process, I went on a quest of enlightenment and
became one of the NTA..."

"The NTA?" said Token Girl. "Don't you mean the NTB?"

"No, the NTA! Newly Trained Arcanists! And now there's a terrible
whitewashed Inception ripoff movie being made of my life! I have gone
forth to set my occult might against the forces of Hollywood before
they whitewash everything and cast Shia LaBeouf as Martin Luther
King!"

"Oh Jesus," said Token Girl. "The writer just put in a reference to
Ghost in the Shell because they'd been watching Stand Alone Complex on
Hulu... did something awful happen after this story started?" She
looked it up on her phone.thingy. "'Ghost in the Shell Considered
Using CGI to Make White Actors Look Asian...' Christ. Yeah, that's
terrible--"

But before Token Girl could say anything more, the pitched battle had
begun! Merissa used the BIGGUN to fire frag grenades (nonlethal frag
grenades... it's that kind of story) but the NYA-One transformed them
into flowers! "How do I win this boss fight?" she said. She put the
BIGGUN on "Manual" mode and used it to fire a Strategy Guide...
Unfortunately, while the BIGGUN could do literally anything, it had to
involve blowing things up somehow, so the manual exploded in her hands
before she could read it. But the book dust blinded the NYA-one, and
Merissa put her BIGGUN into Gun-Keyblade mode and fired out gun-keys
before she could do anything...

Meanwhile, two robots watched from a distance. One was in the form of
a pastel purple-pink car and one was a train with cool racing marks.
The car, which was generating pale illusionary mist from its exhaust,
shifted into the form of a humanoid bot with Miami Vice sunglasses,
while the other became a radical samurai. "Vaporwave, I was
wondering..."

"Yes, Multitrack?" said Vaporwave coolly.

"That dude who you're using the illusion-y stuff on to make it look
like her enemy is Scarlett Johannson... aren't they... you know... a
sorcerer?"

"Sorcerex."

"Well whatever kinda sorcer they are, won't they see thorugh your illusions?"

"Ah, you see, this headquarters is still in quantum flux. She won't
percieve the truth until it's too late."

"Yeah! All we have to do is--aaah!" Multitrack fell off the top of the
couch, where he'd been standing, and into the cushions.

The battling net.heroes hadn't noticed the robots for two reasons. The
first was Vaporwave's illusion powers. The second was that they were
the size of actual toy cars.

Vaporwave sighed. "Well, despite the... flawed nature of my partner,
it will only be a matter of time before this world belongs to... the
MicroMACS!"

[Note: Drew came up with the name MicroMACS. Vaporwave is named after
the retro-80s music/aesthetic genre, while Multitrack is based on the
drift racing transformer imaginatively named Drift+the "multi track
drifting" meme]

-- 
Adrian "The Dark Spaceknight" McClure, now with sig

The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.--William Blake