LNH: Another LNH Title? Really? #5
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue Apr 12 18:57:55 PDT 2016
LNH: Another LNH Title? Really? #5
[Cover: The Ultimate Ninja grips a paperclip between two of his
'That time the Ultimate Ninja clipped
some papers together with a paperclip'
The Looniverse (Classic Flavor) --
A Strange Planet Filled with Paperclips --
The Time -- Centuries ago...
Two paperclips loaded their baby paperclip into a rocketship. As
the ship zoomed off, an entire planet filled with paperclips violently
exploded into nothingness.
Two people, a man and his wife, glanced at the tiny little rocket
ship scorched on the road. Inside it was a very small paperclip.
"Oh, look, Jonathon! It's a baby paperclip!"
"An alien paperclip, Martha! Look, if it was an alien baby, or
puppy, or kitten, or cow, or alligator -- that would be different. But
it's a freakin' paperclip. I'm not dealing with this. I'm just not!
This is the Feds problem now!"
"Oh, Jonathon," she said with a disappointed expression.
"You're going to tell us. You're going to tell us everything.
Sooner or Later," said the Fed as he stared with a very serious look at
the paperclip sitting on a very tiny chair. "All your secrets. We
will find them out!"
"No you won't."
"Huh?" said the Fed turning his head. And it was the last thing he
did as a bullet burst right into his head leaving a brain and blood
mural all over the room.
The muscle bound green pony-tailed gunman with a cyborg eye by the
name of Born2Die Hardcore grabbed the paperclip. "Come on! We're
getting out of here. We're finally free! No, one's ever going to jail
us again! No one!!" And the two crashed out of the building's window
Born2Die Hardcore looked at his blood splatter on his white shirt
that kept growing and growing. And then he looked at the paperclip in
his hand. "You -- you were the only thing that ever made any sense in
this crazy world. This is it. I'm sorry -- can't -- can't feel..."
And then Born2Die Hardcore went silent. His eyes went dead.
"So, who was this guy?" said Fuzzy checking Born2Die Hardcore's
"Some supervillain called Born2Die Hardcore," said Puts-Paperclips-
on-the-Ultimate-Nina's-Desk Lad. "Ooh, look! It's a paper clip!" And
he quickly snatched it.
"Don't -- that's evidence!" Fuzzy started to say as he quickly ran
off with the paperclip. "Oh, Jesus."
Puts-Paperclips-on-the-Ultimate-Nina's-Desk Lad looked at the
paperclip in his hands and then at the Ultimate Ninja's desk. "I'm
going to put you on this desk. Oh, yes I am -- little paperclip!" he
said with a perverse grin on his face.
"Why?" said a voice emerging from shadows. The voice of the
Ultimate Ninja. "Why do keep putting these damn paperclips on my desk?
Why are you a member of the LNH? Why did any writer think it was a
good idea to create you and put you in an LNH story?"
"Umm?" responded Puts-Paperclips-on-the-Ultimate-Nina's-Desk Lad.
"Oh, never mind. It doesn't really matter. Not really. Just give
me that stupid paperclip." And then the Ultimate Ninja used his
incredible ninja paperclip clipping powers to clip a couple of pieces
of paper together.
Fuzzy -- Connie Hirsch
Ultimate Ninja -- wReam
Puts-Paperclips-on-the-Ultimate-Nina's-Desk Lad, Born2Die Hardcore,
and the nameless Paperclip -- Arthur Spitzer
Writer's Notes: Okay. This was intended for Drew Perron's monthly
LNH Comics Present thing, but I accidentally posted it to RACC instead
(of course it was probably too long for the one page limit anyways).
So, here it is again posted as another issue of 'Another LNH Series,
Puts-Paperclips-on-the-Ultimate-Nina's-Desk Lad is Free for Use
(Not that I can imagine anyone (including Saxon Brenton) ever
wanting to actually use this character.
Arthur "Sigh.." Spitzer
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