LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #7: Looniverse Adrift! Part Two
pwerdna at gmail.com
Fri Apr 8 00:02:35 PDT 2016
On 3/1/2016 10:48 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> Tsar Chasm opened his eyes and realized he was in the spartan base he had set
> up in rec.arts.comics.info. He struggled against his bonds when the familiar
> voice of Pocket Man replied.
> "The ropes are to make sure you don't cause anymore trouble!
> Sig.Lad and Particle Man looked over the printout. Sig.Lad let out a
> low whistle. "Whoa! According to this, a wave of some sort is descending
> over alt.comics.lnh. A wave that would re-establish the 'fourth-wall' and
> would effectively render WCs comatose."
DUN DUN DUNNNNN.
It's interesting that part of the development of the LNH was making the WC/NWC
distinction blur and fade.
> "Yes, it is." Tsar Chasm quickly added,"I have done further research
> into the matter. Over time the WCs would not only remain comatose, but will
> eventually fade into nothingness. The end result is the erasure of alt.comics.
> lnh entirely.
alt.comics.lnh also blurred and faded. `-`; But only once we had RACC.
> "There is no time for bickering either!" Tsar Chasm was feeling silly
> debating his point while bound and laying on the floor.
> Tsar Chasm was feeling very sore and tried to shift around, but was
> unable to even roll over for comfort. "I don't suppose you would be willing to
> untie me? I am very sore from fighting the effects of the wave, and the bonds
> are not giving me much relief. I have no where to go and no way to get there,
> so you don't have to worry about me leaving you here to be trapped." 'Not that
> I could trap this group for long even if I HAD to,' he finished mentally.
I really do love the nice undercutting.
> Tsar Chasm stood up and stretched.
> "My thanks Pocket Man. I was be-"
> "TREACHEROUS CUR!" Kid Kirby announced his entrance in the room as he
> rushed Tsar Chasm.
> Tsar Chasm watched the armored form of Kid Kirby vanish into the room
> and turned around. He found himself alone in a room with four LNHers with
> nothing to do. The thought terrified him.
Time to play truth or dare! :D
> Two couches slid out from the wall and
> offered themselves for seating. Sig.Lad and Particle Man sat on one while
> Pocket Man and Organic Lass took the other. Tsar Chasm remained standing
> and faced the quartet. An uneasy silence fell over the room as each side
> had no idea how to start asking the multitude of questions that swirled in
> their heads.
A nice awkward moment. <3
> "All is not well," Kid Kirby announced. "Master Workload has captured
> Constellation and the Dvandom Stranger and is using their unique stature as
> otherworldly beings to sustain this wave-like effect Tsar Chasm described
> "What? How do you know this?" demanded Tsar Chasm.
> In response Kid Kirby fixed a glare at the would-be conquerer of the
Because I'm Kid Fuckin' Kirby, that's why >:/
> "Were that it was so," replied Kid Kirby. "Unfortunately Workload has
> kept tight reign on his home. We might achieve entrance, but the effort
> would weaken us to the point of being ineffectual in combat, and escaping
> nigh-impossible, made moreso when considering escaping with Workload's
I like how the focus in this storyline avoids throwing up walls of "nope, this
course of action is totally impossible" in favor of "you *could* but the
consequences would make it pointless".
> Tsar Chasm displayed his smile openly,"Pocket Man, your description of
> Organic Lass does her no credit. I apologize for being so forward. I am
> unsued to giving orders that are questioned. Webster and Webs Tor have spoiled
> me. You are correct. I am the outsider here." After a slight pause, Tsar
> Chasm continued,"I have a plan, may I outline it for the group and present it
> as an alternative?"
> "Better," came the reply from Organic Lass.
How to deal with mansplaining. <3
> "Right," said Sig.Lad as he changed into Sig.nal Lad. Sig.Lad was to
> be teleported near the Dvandom Stranger and the Editorial Staff. Then Organic
> Lass was to return them to the base. At the same time Sig.Lad was teleported
> next to the Stranger, Particle Man would be teleported next to Constellation.
> With the Staff gone, Constellation would be freed and Particle Man was to
> quickly talk Constellation to go sideways out. Then Particle Man could guide
> them back to Tsar Chasm's base. Kid Kirby, Pocket Man and Tsar Chasm (the last
> two aided by two Liefeld-esque firearms found in one of Pok's pockets) were
> to distract Workload the few seconds that was needed to pull off the escape.
> When the Stranger and Sig.Lad had returned, Kirby's machine would pull out
> the trio out.
This is an excellent plan that I'm sure will go perfectly.
> It's your chance for LNH ftp site immortality! Name this maxi-series! LOON-
> IVERSE ADRIFT! is only the working title (so you'll know whatcher reading).
> We're desperately in need of something appropriately grandiose. Or silly. Or
> whatever, you tell us!
It's *amazing* that they didn't realize that was already appropriately
grandoise. It's frankly just a really good title.
> Captain Capitalize's voice boomed over the cheering LNH. "CATALYST
> LASS HAS OFFICIALLY DEFEATED CHEASECAKE-EATER LAD BY A UNANIMOUS VOTE. SHE IS
> OUR NEW LEADER!"
Glee. :D The beginning of Catalyst Lass as recurring leader figure!
> Bad Timing Boy yawned at the console. He had voted for Catalyst Lass
> electronically, but that AKLCWDWoman had really put the kibosh on the cele-
> bration. Catalyst was naming her cabinet, and the Trouble Alert was clear.
> B-TB decided this was the perfect opportunity to take a bathroom break.
> "And I never cease to wonder at the diversity of great minds that find
> their misbegotten ways into this 'Looniverse.' Invariably, they are mesmerized
> by its malleability. This self-perpetuating creative black hole views itself
> as both the raw material and the product -- its laborers doomed never to do
> meaningful work as long as they are enslaved by its siren song. Your plans
> mean nothing to me, other-worlder. But eradicating the Looniverse can only
> further them. I am doing you a favor, whether you see it or not."
This is such a great explication of Master Workload's worldview.
> Catalyst Lass sat around the War Room table with her newly appointed
> cabinet. True to her word, she was not an expert on all things superheroic,
> but she knew where to find the experts.
An excellent point.
> Around the table sat Dr. Stomper,
> Secretary of Technology, Innovative Offense Boy, Secretary of Defense, Master
> Roster Man, Secretary of Personnel, Parking Karma Kid, Secretary of Transpor-
> tation, and lastly, Cheesecake-Eater Lad, Vice-Leader.
*gasps* Actual leadership structure!?
> Censor Girl paused panting as her internal power supplies recharged.
> Tsar Chasm had an immense amount of machinery. Her bionic eye slid to
> Killfile's frozen form. Not good. Her Master had not reconnected the Link.
> He was still giving her the silent treatment. This was taking too long!
She just wants affection OH NO
> "Super job, Captain Capitalize!" Capitalize dropped to his knees after
> giving it his all. "Alright Legionnaires, you know the plan. Let's go .. . .
> get a little rowdy!"
That's a heck of a catchphrase.
> From her bionic liver, powerful electromagnetics swirled steel machinery frag-
> ments about the room.
Sure, why not?
> Ordinary Lady executed a graceful triple gainer and landed in a crouch
> at the shield's edge. "Maybe you can, cyborg. But shall you face me astrally
So much psychic battle :D Glee
> As the battle raged around him, Killfile's psyche stirred. Despite the
> intricate strategems vying for control of his mind, the array of spandexed
> characters before him stirred memories. Memories of a red-clad cosmic being
> that banished his body to apathy. Memories of Continuity Champ! Killfile
> raged with all the mind he could muster.
Yesssss :D A third villain joins the battle
> His energy was vastly depleted from his misdirected killing stroke.
*This* is why you don't use the super attack immediately
> Back in the Looniverse, Golden Man held an immense computer above
> Censor Girl's shields. With a "Take that, vile evil-doer" he slung it with all
> his might.
> Just as he released it, Killfile came alive. "Enough dallying, now to
> end . . .huh?" It was all he got out before the computer smashed against
> Censor Girl's force field.
Heeheehee. <3 I seriously love how much people's plans just get fucked up in
> The computer split precisely in half, and lay
> in two large pieces on the ground. One piece had the word "Wave" stencilled
> on it. The other displayed "Inhibitor." Unnoticed in the adrenal post-combat
> rush, Irony Man's detector maxed out.
Like so! <3
> Organic Lass stood at the one control on Kid Kirby's teleporting
> machine that she actually knew how to use.
> Netlurker reappeared at alt.comics.lnh after a few days out and
> about wandering the net, completing a few contracts.
> Particle Man and Sig.Lad materialized into Master Workload's base and
> were greeted by the sight of energy seething in every direction. Amazingly,
> the pattern of energy was orderly, and had a rhythmic quality to it.
Oontz oontz oontz oontz
> The twin shouts had broken Kid Kirby, Pocket Man, and Tsar Chasm out of
> their contemplative stares at the frozen features of Master Workload. When
> they had materialized, they expected a fierce duel, with Kid Kirby hopefully
> protecting Pocket Man and Tsar Chasm as they blasted away at the entity. They
> arrived and Workload didn't react. The group waited for a trick, but
> nothing ever came.
> Tsar Chasm pondered Pocket Man's words, "True, but that threat is not
> yet known to us. We need to deal with the known threat before we handle
> any new ones...what do you think, Kirbi-" his question was cut off by
> Kid Kirby's machine, withdrawing the trio.
Huh. I guess the plan really did work perfectly. :o
> "Who would dare..?" came the masculine voice. The figure was
> shrouded in shadows, leaving his identity anonymous.
> A second figure appeared, holding a staff and wrapped in even darker
> shadows. "Your presence is required here. Your prolonged involvement
> would bring this journey to an unwanted end. You now have different
> roles to fulfill. Those of watchdog and liason."
I think this part was trying a bit too hard, but it still works once you read
over it a couple times.
Drew "three AM and all's well" Perron
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