LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #7: Looniverse Adrift! Part Two

[Drew Perron]

On 3/1/2016 10:48 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> Tsar Chasm opened his eyes and realized he was in the spartan base he had set
> up in rec.arts.comics.info.  He struggled against his bonds when the familiar
> voice of Pocket Man replied.
> 	"The ropes are to make sure you don't cause anymore trouble!

Bow-chika-bow-bow

> 	Sig.Lad and Particle Man looked over the printout.  Sig.Lad let out a
> low whistle.  "Whoa!  According to this, a wave of some sort is descending
> over alt.comics.lnh.  A wave that would re-establish the 'fourth-wall' and
> would effectively render WCs comatose."

DUN DUN DUNNNNN.

It's interesting that part of the development of the LNH was making the WC/NWC 
distinction blur and fade.

> 	"Yes, it is."  Tsar Chasm quickly added,"I have done further research
> into the matter.  Over time the WCs would not only remain comatose, but will
> eventually fade into nothingness.  The end result is the erasure of alt.comics.
> lnh entirely.

alt.comics.lnh also blurred and faded. `-`; But only once we had RACC.

> 	"There is no time for bickering either!" Tsar Chasm was feeling silly
> debating his point while bound and laying on the floor.

Heeheehee ^.^

> 	Tsar Chasm was feeling very sore and tried to shift around, but was
> unable to even roll over for comfort.  "I don't suppose you would be willing to
> untie me?  I am very sore from fighting the effects of the wave, and the bonds
> are not giving me much relief.  I have no where to go and no way to get there,
> so you don't have to worry about me leaving you here to be trapped."  'Not that
> I could trap this group for long even if I HAD to,' he finished mentally.

I really do love the nice undercutting.

> Tsar Chasm stood up and stretched.
> 	"My thanks Pocket Man.  I was be-"
> 	"TREACHEROUS CUR!" Kid Kirby announced his entrance in the room as he
> rushed Tsar Chasm.

*cackles*

> 	Tsar Chasm watched the armored form of Kid Kirby vanish into the room
> and turned around.  He found himself alone in a room with four LNHers with
> nothing to do.  The thought terrified him.

Time to play truth or dare! :D

> Two couches slid out from the wall and
> offered themselves for seating.  Sig.Lad and Particle Man sat on one while
> Pocket Man and Organic Lass took the other.  Tsar Chasm remained standing
> and faced the quartet.  An uneasy silence fell over the room as each side
> had no idea how to start asking the multitude of questions that swirled in
> their heads.

A nice awkward moment. <3

> 	"All is not well," Kid Kirby announced.  "Master Workload has captured
> Constellation and the Dvandom Stranger and is using their unique stature as
> otherworldly beings to sustain this wave-like effect Tsar Chasm described
> earlier."
> 	"What?  How do you know this?" demanded Tsar Chasm.
> 	In response Kid Kirby fixed a glare at the would-be conquerer of the
> net.

Because I'm Kid Fuckin' Kirby, that's why >:/

> 	"Were that it was so," replied Kid Kirby.  "Unfortunately Workload has
> kept tight reign on his home.  We might achieve entrance, but the effort
> would weaken us to the point of being ineffectual in combat, and escaping
> nigh-impossible, made moreso when considering escaping with Workload's
>   prisoners."

I like how the focus in this storyline avoids throwing up walls of "nope, this 
course of action is totally impossible" in favor of "you *could* but the 
consequences would make it pointless".

> 	Tsar Chasm displayed his smile openly,"Pocket Man, your description of
> Organic Lass does her no credit.  I apologize for being so forward.  I am
> unsued to giving orders that are questioned.  Webster and Webs Tor have spoiled
> me.  You are correct.  I am the outsider here."  After a slight pause, Tsar
> Chasm continued,"I have a plan, may I outline it for the group and present it
> as an alternative?"
> 	"Better," came the reply from Organic Lass.

How to deal with mansplaining. <3

> 	"Right," said Sig.Lad as he changed into Sig.nal Lad.  Sig.Lad was to
> be teleported near the Dvandom Stranger and the Editorial Staff.  Then Organic
> Lass was to return them to the base.  At the same time Sig.Lad was teleported
> next to the Stranger, Particle Man would be teleported next to Constellation.
> With the Staff gone, Constellation would be freed and Particle Man was to
> quickly talk Constellation to go sideways out.  Then Particle Man could guide
> them back to Tsar Chasm's base.  Kid Kirby, Pocket Man and Tsar Chasm (the last
> two aided by two Liefeld-esque firearms found in one of Pok's pockets) were
> to distract Workload the few seconds that was needed to pull off the escape.
> When the Stranger and Sig.Lad had returned, Kirby's machine would pull out
> the trio out.

This is an excellent plan that I'm sure will go perfectly.

> It's your chance for LNH ftp site immortality!  Name this maxi-series!  LOON-
> IVERSE ADRIFT! is only the working title (so you'll know whatcher reading).
> We're desperately in need of something appropriately grandiose.  Or silly. Or
> whatever, you tell us!

It's *amazing* that they didn't realize that was already appropriately 
grandoise. It's frankly just a really good title.

> 	Captain Capitalize's voice boomed over the cheering LNH.  "CATALYST
> LASS HAS OFFICIALLY DEFEATED CHEASECAKE-EATER LAD BY A UNANIMOUS VOTE.  SHE IS
> OUR NEW LEADER!"

Glee. :D The beginning of Catalyst Lass as recurring leader figure!

> 	Bad Timing Boy yawned at the console.  He had voted for Catalyst Lass
> electronically, but that AKLCWDWoman had really put the kibosh on the cele-
> bration.  Catalyst was naming her cabinet, and the Trouble Alert was clear.
> B-TB decided this was the perfect opportunity to take a bathroom break.

DANGIT CAT.

> 	"And I never cease to wonder at the diversity of great minds that find
> their misbegotten ways into this 'Looniverse.'  Invariably, they are mesmerized
> by its malleability.  This self-perpetuating creative black hole views itself
> as both the raw material and the product -- its laborers doomed never to do
> meaningful work as long as they are enslaved by its siren song.  Your plans
> mean nothing to me, other-worlder.  But eradicating the Looniverse can only
> further them.  I am doing you a favor, whether you see it or not."

This is such a great explication of Master Workload's worldview.

> 	Catalyst Lass sat around the War Room table with her newly appointed
> cabinet.  True to her word, she was not an expert on all things superheroic,
> but she knew where to find the experts.

An excellent point.

> Around the table sat Dr. Stomper,
> Secretary of Technology, Innovative Offense Boy, Secretary of Defense, Master
> Roster Man, Secretary of Personnel, Parking Karma Kid, Secretary of Transpor-
> tation, and lastly, Cheesecake-Eater Lad, Vice-Leader.

*gasps* Actual leadership structure!?

> 	Censor Girl paused panting as her internal power supplies recharged.
> Tsar Chasm had an immense amount of machinery.  Her bionic eye slid to
> Killfile's frozen form.  Not good.  Her Master had not reconnected the Link.
> He was still giving her the silent treatment.  This was taking too long!

She just wants affection OH NO

> 	"Super job, Captain Capitalize!"  Capitalize dropped to his knees after
> giving it his all.  "Alright Legionnaires, you know the plan.  Let's go .. . .
> get a little rowdy!"

That's a heck of a catchphrase.

>  From her bionic liver, powerful electromagnetics swirled steel machinery frag-
> ments about the room.

Sure, why not?

> 	Ordinary Lady executed a graceful triple gainer and landed in a crouch
> at the shield's edge.  "Maybe you can, cyborg.  But shall you face me astrally
> first?"

So much psychic battle :D Glee

> 	As the battle raged around him, Killfile's psyche stirred.  Despite the
> intricate strategems vying for control of his mind, the array of spandexed
> characters before him stirred memories.  Memories of a red-clad cosmic being
> that banished his body to apathy.  Memories of Continuity Champ!  Killfile
> raged with all the mind he could muster.

Yesssss :D A third villain joins the battle

> His energy was vastly depleted from his misdirected killing stroke.

*This* is why you don't use the super attack immediately

> 	Back in the Looniverse, Golden Man held an immense computer above
> Censor Girl's shields.  With a "Take that, vile evil-doer" he slung it with all
> his might.
> 	Just as he released it, Killfile came alive.  "Enough dallying, now to
> end . . .huh?"  It was all he got out before the computer smashed against
> Censor Girl's force field.

Heeheehee. <3 I seriously love how much people's plans just get fucked up in 
this story.

> The computer split precisely in half, and lay
> in two large pieces on the ground.  One piece had the word "Wave" stencilled
> on it.  The other displayed "Inhibitor."  Unnoticed in the adrenal post-combat
> rush, Irony Man's detector maxed out.

Like so! <3

> 	Organic Lass stood at the one control on Kid Kirby's teleporting
> machine that she actually knew how to use.

Heeheehee

> 	Netlurker reappeared at alt.comics.lnh after a few days out and
> about wandering the net, completing a few contracts.

Netlurker! Woo!

> 	Particle Man and Sig.Lad materialized into Master Workload's base and
> were greeted by the sight of energy seething in every direction.  Amazingly,
> the pattern of energy was orderly, and had a rhythmic quality to it.

Oontz oontz oontz oontz

> 	The twin shouts had broken Kid Kirby, Pocket Man, and Tsar Chasm out of
> their contemplative stares at the frozen features of Master Workload.  When
> they had materialized, they expected a fierce duel, with Kid Kirby hopefully
> protecting Pocket Man and Tsar Chasm as they blasted away at the entity.  They
> arrived and Workload didn't react.  The group waited for a trick, but
> nothing ever came.

Nice. <3

> 	Tsar Chasm pondered Pocket Man's words, "True, but that threat is not
> yet known to us.  We need to deal with the known threat before we handle
> any new ones...what do you think, Kirbi-" his question was cut off by
> Kid Kirby's machine, withdrawing the trio.

Huh. I guess the plan really did work perfectly. :o

> 	"Who would dare..?" came the masculine voice.  The figure was
> shrouded in shadows, leaving his identity anonymous.
> 	A second figure appeared, holding a staff and wrapped in even darker
> shadows.  "Your presence is required here.  Your prolonged involvement
> would bring this journey to an unwanted end.  You now have different
> roles to fulfill.  Those of watchdog and liason."

I think this part was trying a bit too hard, but it still works once you read 
over it a couple times.

Drew "three AM and all's well" Perron