LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #12: Giant Sized LNH 6
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue Apr 5 18:15:38 PDT 2016
In this weeks reposting of stuff you can find in the eyrie archive
we have Martin Phipps' and Gary "The Saint" St. Lawrence's Giant Sized
LNH #6 -- The Ties That Bond, which is the big Pocket Man/Organic
Lass Wedding -- the first one for LNH characters.
This was LNH volume 1, which was mostly written by Martin Phipps
usually focusing on his character Deja Dude.
| | Classic
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| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
Giant Sized LNH #6 -- The Ties That Bond
From: MARTIN PHIPPS <CXMP000 at MUSICA.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: FANFIC: Giant Sized LNH #6
Date: Sat, 9 Apr 1994 18:14:09 GMT
LNH COMICS PROUDLY PRESENTS...
/ / / GIANT SIZED ..
/ / /____ ___ ___________ ______ ___ ___
/ / // ___//___\\__ _____//___ // | / /
============/ / // ___// //~~\==| |===/ /=/ // /| |/ /=================
/ / / \ \\ ~~~ //~~ ~// ~~~// / | / OF
/ / '~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~/ NET.
#6 -- The Ties That Bond
by Martin Phipps and Gary St. Lawrence
(with the moral support of Rebecca Drayer)
"Check out the title: 'The Ties That Bond'!"
"Yeah! Hehhehheh. Cool!"
"Yeah, DD?" Master Blaster and Sarcastic Lad asked simultaneously.
"The title refers to the fact that this issue features the wedding
of Pocket Man and Organic Lass. You know, 'Tie' as in 'tie the knot'
and 'Bond' as in 'bonding'."
"Or 'Bondage'. Hehhehheh," Sarcastic Lad chuckled.
"No, Sarc, this issue'll strictly be family entertainment."
"Riiight... just like 'Passionfishing'."
Deja Dude blushed. "Well, no. It actually won't be anything like
"Aw, man, you mean this whole issue'll be just some sappy love story?
Like that Christmas gift thing?"
Deja Dude waved his hands a bit. "Well... look: let's just get on
with it. Then we'll see... OK?"
In Organic Lass' quarters:
Bandwagon Chick wiped a tear from her eye. "Oh, Ori, that's such a
Organic Lass sighed softly. "I know. It's a New Look Lass original.
It's too bad I'll only get to wear it once."
Token Girl shrugged her shoulders. "Not necessarily."
"Now, now, let's not talk like that!" insisted Catalyst Lass.
Organic Lass laughed. "Don't mind her, Cat! Pok and I know what
we're doing: we're going to be very happy together."
Catalyst Lass smiled broadly. "Of course you will! You two were made
for each other!" The two women hugged each other.
In Pocket Man's quarters:
"You know, Pok, it's not too late."
"Sarc, for heaven's sake!" snapped Kid Anarky.
Pocket Man smiled. "Kid, Kid, Kid, you've been a Legionaire as long
as I have and in all that time you never figured out how Sarcastic Lad
got his name?"
Kid Anarky smirked. "Yeah, well, it takes a bit of getting used to.
I mean, how many guys do you meet who are possessed by demons?"
"Eight, at last count," Sarc said, "if you don't count that geek with
the chains and oversized cape."
Pocket Man smiled agreeably.
Old Comics Man placed a hand on Pocket Man's right shoulder. "Son,
you're doing the right thing. I'm proud of you."
Pocket Man laughed. "Thanks, old friend. I _know_ I am."
"Geez, Pok," said Kid Anarky, "aren't you even nervous? I mean, this
*IS* a superhero wedding! And you know what happens at superhero weddings."
Pok sighed. "All I know is that I love Ori so much, I just want to
make her happy."
"Yeah," said Sarcastic Lad. "I'll bet."
Pocket Man sighed again.
Later, in the Lobby:
"Are you guys coming?" Deja Dude asked.
"Yeah... I guess so," replied Super-Apathy Lad.
"I don't know," mused Procrastination Boy. "I keep getting the
feeling that I've forgotten something."
Deja Dude laughed. "Whatever it is, it can wait. Pocket Man's the
one getting married not you, remember?"
"Say, Deja Dude, where's Julie?"
Deja Dude bristled at the sound of Irony Man's question. "She...
she won't be coming to the wedding."
"I take it then that you and Julie Lee have broken up?" pressed
Deja Dude grimaced. "I don't want to talk about it, OK?"
Bad-Timing Boy burst in from the cafeteria. "Hey, guys, look at
me in my tux: pretty spiffy, huh?" He frowned, noticing the half dozen
less than jubulant faces in the room. "Hey, what's with you guys?
Don't tell me they've called off the wedding!"
Deja Dude sighed deeply. "Look... I'll wait for you guys outside,
OK?" He headed out.
Sidewinder shook his head. "You did it again, BTB."
"I did?" asked Bad-Timing Boy, looking puzzled.
Deja Dude looked out onto the lawn in front of Legion Headquarters.
There was quite a crowd gathering: seats had been provided for 101
Legionaires plus assorted independent heroes, mentors, sidekicks and
relatives. It was as though every hero in the Looniverse had come
to give their best wishes to Pok and Ori: there was U-Force, the
Legion of Substitute Heroes... and The Good Guys (tm).
_Oh no!_ Deja Dude thought. _Not June! She's the last person I
want to speak to right now._ Deja Dude made a point of inconspicuously
finding a chair at the back.
"Man, am I nervous," Pocket Man said, adjusting his cravat.
"You think maybe she won't show?" Sarcastic Lad quipped.
"Sarc, please: don't even joke about something like that!"
Sarcastic Lad leaned forward and whispered to him. "Don't worry, pal.
She loves you."
Pocket Man nodded. "Lord knows what she sees in me."
Sarcastic Lad smirked. "You got that right!"
"Sarc," Pok said, mocking his friend's power, "do you think you can get
through this wedding without saying another stupid thing?"
"Hey, look! There she is!" proclaimed Sarcastic Lad, pointing to the
back of the aisle.
"It's about ti..." Pocket Man gazed off into the distance. "That's not
her! That's Catalyst Lass!"
Sarcastic Lad laughed. "Madja look!"
"Sheesh, these LNH-guys know how to throw a shindig, don't they,
Lootenant?" said Det. Sgt. Lovell Cruller, stuffing an eclair into
"That they do," said Lt. Ayre Headed, who'd ordered a full contingent
of officers to guard the wedding and prevent the inevitable barging in
of super-villains to ruin the ceremony.
"Mmuppffhh phmmpumm umpffh phhhmp ummff fumphn mmppff?" Cruller tried
to say as he crammed a jelly donut into his already full mouth.
"Yes, Cruller ..." Lt. Headed said impatiently. "I'm sure they'll
have plenty of food at the buffet table at the reception."
Catalyst Lass, the maid of honour, motioned to Elvis Man to begin
singing "Love Me Tender" and started to make her way up to the stage.
"Looking good, Catty!" Master Blaster told her as she walked by.
"You're such a pig!" Sister State-the-Obvious told him, driving a
sharp elbow into his ribs.
"... yes, dear," MB said sheepishly.
Catalyst Lass walked up to Pocket Man, smiled and kissed him on the
cheek. "Pok," she said quietly.
"Cat." The word stuck in his rapidly drying throat.
"Calm down, OK? Everything'll be just fine."
Pocket Man sighed in relief. "Yeah, I know ... oh ... here she comes!"
Organic Lass held onto Old Comics Man's arm as the two of them
approached the stage, in traditional wedding-step fashion.
_She's the most beautiful woman in the world_, Pocket Man thought as
he drew a deep breath.
"This is it, buddy," said Sarcastic Lad. "Want anything? A drink?
Some pretzels? ... a box of condoms?"
Self-Righteous Preacher loudly cleared his throat and glared at
Sarcastic Lad. "You'll do time in Purgatory for that one, boy."
"Guys ..." Pok said, a note of annoyance in his voice, "... shut up."
Old Comics Man escorted Organic Lass to Pocket Man's side. Half the
women in the room were crying, while most of the men continuously cleared
their throats. Pok produced a large package of linen handkerchiefs and
handed it to Kid Anarky, who stood as first usher.
"Pass `em around, 'Nark," whispered Sarcastic Lad.
Pocket Man gazed into Organic Lass' eyes, lost in the deep pools.
A shudder of joy crept up his spine and his nervousness peaked. Ori
smiled at him and winked. "Relax," she whispered.
"Dearly beloved," began the preacher, "we are gathered here today to
witness the joyous union of this man and woman, who have expressed their
love for one another in a very real and morally acceptable manner. If
there is anyone present who can bear witness as to why these two should
not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now, or forever hold
*Everyone* glared at Sarcastic Lad, who meekly made the
lips-are-sealed motion to Pok and Ori. Pocket Man grinned, knowing
now that his friend understood how serious the moment was. Organic Lass
squeezed Pocket Man's hand and smiled.
"Hearing no objection, we will hear the intendeds speak their vows,"
Self-Righteous Preacher announced.
Pocket Man and Organic Lass turned to face each other.
"Ori, my love and life," Pocket Man said, "I now agree to love, honor
and cherish you, for so long as there is breath in my being. You are the
music to my life's song, and the blazing color in my sunrise. You are the
reason I exist and the purpose that I serve. I shall protect you and keep
you from harm, and promote you to greatness. For I know, that with you at
my side, I shall be happy, joyous, and complete. As I give you this ring, I
give you my soul, as I give my heart. Grow old with me, and face the
challenges of the universe with me, as I will face them with you,
now and forever, until we leave this world, and become the stars of a
`Classic LNH' reprint series, with double-billing. I love you."
"Dearest Pok," Organic Lass begain in turn, "let it be known that
this is not merely a matter of me making a commitment to love you,
honour you and cherish you, as I do solemly swear to do, but that I
am entering into this union with a very sincere passion, one which
has me longing to bond not only with your body but your soul as well!
Every day we spend together will be devoted to making that bond more
complete. This ring that I give you serves not to brand you as my
husband but to ensure that a part of you is at all times being held
lovingly by a part of me. With you, I will always feel rich. Without
you, I would be incomplete. As chiche'd as it sounds, as inadequate
as three words may be to describe that which volumes could not hope
to give justice to, I love you."
Self-Righteous Preacher was deeply moved by the sincerity of the love
expressed by the couple in front of him. "By the power vested in
me by the Lord Almighty Himself and the Comics Code Authority, I now
pronounce you husband and wife! You may now kiss the bride."
Pocket Man and Organic Lass embraced each other, wrapping their arms
around each other and pressing their lips firmly together.
"Alright! That's enough you two!"
Sarcastic Lad looked at him in dismay. "But... they're married, you
"THAT'S NO EXCU--!" Self-Righteous Preacher cut himself short and smiled
weakly. "Oh, yes. Sorry, of course they are! Congratulations!"
Self-Righteous Preacher's congratulations were echoed through the
crowd as Pocket Man and Organic Lass left the stage and made their way
through the throng of heroes, family and friends. Rice flew freely
through the air, along with streamers and confetti made from shredded pieces
of Image books. Suddenly, large globs of cheesecake, beer and steak
and potatoes came hurtling at the newlyweds from where three particularly
guilty-looking LNHers stood.
Making their way through the crowd, Pok and Ori emerged in the landing
bay in front of the LNHHQ. An LNH Cruiser had been decked out with streamers,
strings of Slurpee cups and a gigantic hand-painted sign which read,
"JUST MARRIED ... and going to Dis.Net World!"
Pok and Ori hugged and shook hands with everyone, weeping and laughing.
From the midst of the crowd, Catalyst Lass yelled out, "Throw the
bouquet! Throw the bouquet!!!" All the women scurried into position.
Organic Lass beamed, as she turned to face away from her friends. Tossing
the huge bouquet over her left shoulder, it sailed through the air,
well over the heads and out of the reach of the women who swiped at the
air to get it. With a simple "pffff," the flowers lands squarely in the
hands of ... Deja Dude. The women awed a collective awe, and Deja Dude's
shoulders slouched. He turned and began walking back into the LNHHQ.
"We'll see you all at the reception in a little while!" Pok exclaimed.
"I'm going to take MY WIFE for a ride!"
Sister State-The-Obvious and Catalyst Lass quickly slapped their hands
over Master Blaster's and Sarcastic Lad's mouths.
"Alright everybody!" called out Cheesecake Eater Lad, directing them
to the reception table. "Let's go EAT!!!"
Inside, everyone grouped off at their tables, chatting and laughing,
eating and drinking. The culinary-based LNHers had put on quite a
Particle Man leaned over to talk to LetterinG MaN. "I don't see Trixi
LetterinG MaN nodded. "No... nor did I see you sitting with Sing-Along
Particle Man smirked. "We really need to get a life," they said in
A while later, Pocket Man and Organic Lass (keeping her maiden name for
professional purposes) returned, dressed in casual evening attire
The chamber filled with cheers and applause as the newlyweds
made their way to the head table. Spoons tinged against glasses everywhere.
The festivities carried on, everyone enjoying themselves immensely.
When it came time for the Spotlight Dance for Pok and Ori, Pocket Man
produced four transparent discs. Handing two to Ori, he said, "Vartovian
Dancing Discs. They dispel gravity. You once said I make you feel like
like you're dancing on air. Now, my love, you will."
Like a beautifully choreographed Disney dance sequence, Pocket Man
twirled his bride out over the dance floor, to the ooohs and ahhhhs of
the gathered. Elvis Man sang "I Can't Help Falling In Love," and followed
with "The Hawaiian Wedding Song," as the couple danced a dozen feet
above the floor. Ori was glowing, and not a soul present could say they
had ever seen her happier.
"That's my buddy," Sarcastic Lad said, draping his arm around Token Girl.
"The guy is all class."
Token Girl sighed, dreamily watching the two lovebirds gliding along.
"Yeah ... all class ... Sarc? Seeing them so happy ... doesn't it kind
of make you wonder ... ?"
"Uhhhh ... why don't I go get us some drinks, okay?" Sarcastic Lad said,
hastily skirting off to the bar.
Deja Dude made his way over to Ultimate Ninja. "UN?"
"I'm going now."
"Yeah: I have to leave now if I want to catch my plane."
"You'll be missed."
Deja Dude nodded. "Yeah... but it'll be good to get back to Canada."
Deja Dude looked out at the reader. "After all, Canada has universal
health care, relatively strict gun control, a more diverse culture, a
system of government that allows for more grassroots representation
and a national pride based on quality of life as opposed to military
might." Deja Dude turned to back to face Ultimate Ninja.
"Stay there awhile. Get a *real good* rest, okay?"
"Oh, Bonnie, it's sooo good to see you again!" Ordinary Lady declared.
Conventional Woman gave her sister a sly smile. "So, where's this guy
you told us about on the phone?"
Ordinary Lady blushed. "Oh, well, he's a bit... unconventional."
Conventional Woman laughed. "Frank, Sean, Hank, Aaron, June, let's
go!" Her fellow teammates gathered around. "Good luck, Jean!"
Conventional Woman and her teammates teleported back home.
As the evening went on, the guests left and the party began to wind
down. The Legionaires were ready to go to bed...
Some more than others.
"Well, Ori, this is it: our first --"
"ALRIGHT! NOBODY MOVE!"
"What the --?" exclaimed Pocket Man, in typical `Oh No! Not at my
wedding!' surprise. Everyone turned to the sound of the voice.
"It's Nick!" said a surprised Fuzzy.
The Legion was taken completely off-guard as Colonel Nick Furry
and his heavily armed S.C.O.R.E. (Supreme Command Of Retrograde
Eavesdroppers) agents appeared from all sides.
"SURRENDER AND NOBODY'LL GET HURT!"
"He's not kidding!" declared Adamant Authority-On-Everything. "He'll
Parking Karma Kid looked to Ultimate Ninja. "Well, Boss? What now?"
Ultimate Ninja let out a deep sigh. "What choice do we have?"
"You don't mean...?"
Ultimate Ninja stepped forward to face Colonel Furry. "Alright...
TO BE CONTINUED IN CONTINUITY CHAMP AND THE DRIZZT DEFENDERS #12
Martin Phipps (The Ce'line Fan)
Deja Dude on alt.comics.lnh
Generic Man (sort of) on Superguy
The CFV for rec.arts.comics.creative is coming on May 3rd!
Next Week: The Conclusion of the Poki/Ori Wedding storyline!
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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